September 13, 2016
"Here it is, after years of requests, we're finally watching the WORST of the animated Titanic musicals, Tentacolino! Note we did have some audio issues with this recording. Sorry!"
(After the intro, we see a happy-looking NC hanging out at Niagara Falls)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. And this is Niagara Falls!
(Various, beautiful sights of Niagara Falls are shown before cutting to NC among a crowd full of walking people)
NC: I'm at one of the largest waterfalls in the world. And to celebrate, I'm gonna let you...yes, you, the people...decide what I'm gonna review next here at Niagara Falls.
(We then cut to NC at a con panel, speaking to the audience)
NC: So how about it, everyone? You have me here at Niagara Falls. What would you like me to review?
Audience: The third animated Titanic movie! (NC frowns) The third animated Titanic movie!
NC: Really? 'Cause I...could've sworn you were gonna choose the Marilyn Monroe movie Niagara.
(We see clips of that movie)
NC (vo): The romance between her and Joseph Cotton has been described as a raging torrent of emotion that even nature can't control.
Audience: The third animated Titanic movie!
NC: But Monroe plays a...
NC (vo): ...tantalizing temptress that kisses fired men's souls!*
- The movie actually says "...WHOSE kisses fired men's souls."
NC: You can't deny such poorly worded smut!
Audience: The third animated Titanic movie!
NC: (Reluctantly giving in) All right! Fine. I'll review this movie that has nothing to do with Niagara Falls, but you guys have wanted me to review for years. Will that make you happy?
(The audience cheers, as NC angrily mocks their joyfulness, flips them off and leaves. We then see NC walk toward a hotel room alongside Malcolm and Tamara)
Malcolm: But what about the script?
NC: It doesn't matter! The people have made up their minds!
Tamara: But I wanted to play Marilyn!
NC: Oh, come on. It's a Nostalgia Critic review. You know Malcolm would get the part.
(Malcolm chuckles in satisfaction)
Tamara: But what about the guest stars?
NC: We're just gonna have to can them, too. (Opens a hotel room door and yells at the guest stars inside) Show's cancelled!
(He closes the door. We see that the guest stars that are sitting in the room are James Rolfe, Brad Jones, Dante Basco and Cricket Leigh. Note: Cricket Leigh is the actress who voiced Mai in Avatar: The Last Airbender. After a beat, Brad claps his hands)
Brad: Well, I know a gaggle of hookers soon to have my name on them. (Walks to the door and attempts to open it, but cannot) It's locked from the outside.
James: Well, that goes along with him cutting the phone and the TV.
Cricket: Who does that?
Dante: He said that it would keep us in character.
Cricket: As what? Amish bed-testers?
Brad: Is that why he also took our phones and deep-fried them?
Dante: I really should have drawn the line at that.
James: Why do we do things with him?
(Meanwhile, we cut to NC at his hotel room, which is actually completely similar to his review room)
NC: For those who don't know, years ago, I've reviewed an...
(Clips of the first Titanic animated movie are shown. "Days are Long" by Silent Partner plays in the background)
NC (vo): ...animated Titanic musical known as Titanic: The Legend Goes On. Not only was it an obvious rip-off of the James Cameron film, but it had racist singing mice, a forced happy ending, and a rapping dog. Yeah. A rapping dog on the Titanic. It was one of the most tasteless abominations ever!
NC: At least it was, until I found another...
(Clips of the second Titanic animated movie are shown)
NC (vo): ...animated Titanic musical called The Legend of Titanic! It had racist singing mice, a forced happy ending...
NC: But...no rapping dog. No, no, no, no, no. That was replaced with...
NC (vo): ...a glove-sniffing fetishist, sharks that escape from jail that sink the ship instead of an iceberg, and a giant puppy dog squid who puts the ship back together so that everyone can get out alive. Good chocolate-coated God!
NC: As if having two of these in existence wasn't enough for Skynet to wanna kill us, this last one actually got a sequel...because...sinking the Titanic was clearly just Part 1!
(Clips of the third Titanic animated movie, In Search of the Titanic (Tentacolino), are now shown. "Big Screen" by Silent Partner plays in the background)
NC (vo): The sequel's the one we're looking at today, called "In Search of the Titanic". Just when you thought things couldn't possibly get any stupider in a world that focuses on the sinking of the Titanic, what does this one throw in? Atlantis! Yeah. Titanic and Atlantis now exist in the same universe!
NC: Well, I guess it is the next logical step. It just keeps going in descending order.
NC (vo): Titanic in Atlantis, Titanic in Space, Titanic Assignment Miami Beach, and, of course, Titanic in the Hood.
(A clip of Kazaam is shown beneath the last fan-made poster)
Kazaam: Let's green egg and ham it!
NC (vo): The funny thing is, this wasn't even originally called that. It was originally called Tentacolino, the name of the puppy-pus in the last one, even though he's barely in it! But his name was changed from the Italian version to something more simple...
NC: (confused) ...whatever they choose to call him.
(Several characters are shown talking with Tentacles the octopus, calling him a new name with every clip that's shown)
NC: Yeah, any of these. (A list is shown showing the names of the octopus in the movie: Otti? Ahchi? Oggi? Oddey? Aw-Gee?)
NC (vo): And thus, it became a Titanic movie once again, meaning I have to review it. And believe it or not, it is actually, no joke, not kidding, even worse than the other two! Not one hint of sarcasm, this is the worst one!
NC: Now, I do have this tradition of drinking a rather large bottle of Jäger every time I view one of these. And seeing that this is somehow the absolute worst out of all of them....it's time to push the button.
(He brings out a remote and presses a button. A bright explosion occurs in outer space, an explosion that is visible for Malcolm and Tamara, who are walking outside. When the light clears, we see a planet-sized Jägermeister bottle in space as a chorus sings. Tamara smiles)
Tamara: I know where I'm vacationing this week!
(She and Malcolm run off. Cut back to NC)
NC: Let us begin.
(The movie's opening credits roll)
NC (vo): We start with the recap of the last film, and...if you think you know the story of the Titanic and don't need a recap...
NC: ...you clearly haven't seen it from writers whose everyday dinner looks like this. (An image of a jar of Elmer's Rubber Cement is shown)
(The credits show the Titanic in all its original glory)
NC (vo; as Rose from the 1997 film): It was called the Rip-Off of Dreams. And it was. It really was. (Normal) It says the film takes place three years after the Titanic sunk (1915). (A new ship is shown unloading a bathysphere, which wasn't invented until 1930, into the ocean) Where, apparently, there's been quite the technology boom in those short years.
NC: I guess the 2001 (A Space Odyssey) aliens are dropping monoliths on marine biologists.
(Inside the bathysphere are the characters from the last movie, Elizabeth and Don Juan (the one who NC called "Joe" in the last review), their pet dog, and the two mice Connors and Ronnie)
NC (vo): But it looks like they only got half the enlightenment, because the only people going down to search for the Titanic are the two passengers and their dog from the first one.
NC: Um...are they really qualified?
NC (vo): Just because they were on the Titanic doesn't mean they can find the damn thing. Hey, I know where Amelia Earhart is because I watched an episode of Star Trek she was on!
NC: Millions in research funds, please.
NC (vo): I guarantee, though, they're gonna see stranger things in this Yellow Submarine than the Beatles ever did, starting with their dog who can talk to them now.
Smile: It seems to me that there are a lot of nasty-looking sharks out there.
NC (vo): Ohh, it must be those magic moonbeams in the last film that came from the woman's tears that...
NC: You know, life is too precious, it's not worth the time.
NC (vo): And don't forget about the little mice friends from the last one, who are just as afraid of the sharks watching them as the dog is.
Don Juan: We're at sea. This is their home. Honestly, there really isn't anything to worry about.
Smile: Sharks, indeed. They're worse than cats.
Don Juan: Even cats eat mice.
(Connors and Ronnie laugh)
NC: (laughs) We lose thousands of lives to your house pets every day! It's funny, it's funny!
(We see the camera moving across the underwater world)
NC (vo): Cut to immediate style change...Christ, is Lara Croft swimming through here? (Footage of an old Tomb Raider game is briefly shown)...as we're shown a...
(We see the criminal shark from the other film, named Razor Teeth, in his lair...performing a rap song!)
Razor Teeth: (rapping) Yo, yo, yo, look at my teeth / They're so sharp and white and neat...
NC: WHY DO THESE MOVIES NEED RAP SONGS?!
NC (vo): I just don't see the connection! Was the... (Footage of the rapping dog from T:TLGO is shown briefly) rap song in the other film such a worldwide phenomenon that the movie said...?
NC: Hey! We can make it whiter!
Razor Teeth: (rapping) Yeah, there's no one crueler than me / I'm the great blue genius that lives in the sea.
NC (vo): Ooh, man, you better look out. There's gonna be a rap battle between this and the (Footage of...) Polar Express chefs who sing the "Hot Chocolate" song.
(The seashells join in singing the rap song, but their words are garbled)
Seashells: Oh, you, you, there's no one meaner than you. / Oh, you, you, there's no one meaner than you.
NC (vo): What the hell are they even saying? It's so gargled that I think we're just supposed to interpret our own lyrics.
(Those interpreted lyrics are shown via captions and several images)
Seashells: (singing) Oh, Hugh (Grant), Hugh (Jackman), there's no wacking out of you. Oh, Mew, Mew (the Pokemon), there's no walking on the moon.
NC (vo): So the head of the sharks is told about the Simpson testicle, and he tells his minions to attack it. Why? His detailed reasoning will send shivers down your spine.
Razor Teeth: Are you sure it's yellow? I hate that color. I can't stand yellow!
NC: (nodding) Macbeth (An image of Macbeth is shown) had the inner duality of acquiring power while holding on to his humanity. Ahab (An image of Ahab is shown) demonstrated how revenge can destroy others as well as yourself. This character (Razor Teeth is shown) hates yellow. If that brilliantly established motivation doesn't give you goosebumps, I weep for you!
NC (vo): So he orders the sharks to start sinking their teeth into it.
(The sharks attack the bathysphere)
Elizabeth: What's happening?
Don Juan: Calm down, Smile. Relax. It must have been an underwater current.
NC (vo; as Don Juan): It couldn't be those things I said wouldn't attack us attacking. Let's make another joke about cats.
Razor Teeth: Let's cut the cables!
NC (vo): They chew on the cables so discreetly that they don't make any sound effects...
(The sharks are shown chewing on the cables, but with no sound effects)
NC: Must be on silent running.
NC (vo): ...as they're tossed around inside.
Don Juan: Try to stay calm.
NC (vo): Yeah, because it worked so well before. What was your advice on the Titanic? Read a book? (One shark cuts the cable fully, causing the bathysphere to sink down) The cable is cut, but the sharks don't want to finish them off just yet. The reason?
Razor Teeth: Right now, I have to go and brush my teeth.
NC: A lot of people underestimate the importance of shark dental hygiene. (An image of a shark with Photoshopped human teeth is shown)
NC (vo): But in a bizarre twist, the sharks are also in cahoots with the bad guy from the first film... (Everard Maltravers is shown in a ship's room communicating with Razor Teeth) ...as they communicate via jellyfish telegram.
(A clip from The Departed, showing Sullivan (Matt Damon) frowning in response to Dignam pointed a silenced gun at him, appears)
(Back to the movie, showing Everard)
Maltravers: Jeffrey, now this is important. I want our mini submarines to be in a permanent state of alert.
NC (vo): Jesus! How many submarines did they have back then?!
NC: If your evil plan is to get rich, I'd say mission already accomplished!
(We see Tentacles the octopus discovering the bathysphere and attempting to pull it out)
NC (vo): Our Muppet tentacle porn comes across the sinking sub, but can't pull it out, even though he was originally strong enough to put the Titanic back together. Who can he get to help?
(A group of underwater humans riding on horse-pulling chariots appear. NC has his hands on his face in total disbelief)
NC: It begins!
NC (vo): Yep, an army of every 80s girl toy that ever existed arrive and tell the crap-topus that they can help. (The water humans pour bubbles on the good guys' heads, allowing them to breathe) Thank God they used their advanced technology of Bubble in a Can (FUCKING BUBBLES!) and ride their literal seahorses to the city of Atlantis. Their dog Smile wakes up to see what's happening.
(Smile the dog wakes up to find himself being carried by the Atlantis citizens)
Smile: Help! I'm dead!
Woman: Keep calm. You're all safe.
Smile: No, I'm dead. And you're taking me to Doggie Hell.
NC: Oh, thanks for putting that idea into kids' heads! Did your puppy ever bite you? He could go here. (An image of a dog standing in a Photoshopped image of Hell is shown)
NC (vo): They take them to Doctor Calamity Jane as our heroes discover that Atlantis is kind of like a creepy comfort-in, except somehow even more hostile.
Atlantis man: Go and get things ready immediately.
Elizabeth: Get what ready?
Don Juan: Calm down.
Don Juan: Yes.
NC (vo): Wow, what an asshole! (imitating Don Juan) Talk out of line again, and I will smite down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger. You will know my name is the Lord.
Atlantean: You have to drink the elixir before you visit the city.
Don Juan: (holding a glass with green liquid) Of course. Keep calm.
NC: STOP SAYING KEEP CALM!!
NC (vo): Have you noticed all the bullshit it got you in?! (As everyone else) "Look, sharks!" (As Don Juan) "Keep calm." (As everyone else) "We're gonna drown!" (As Don Juan) "Keep calm." (As Atlantean) "Drink this incredibly suspicious shit!"
Don Juan: This elixir is such a pretty color.
NC: The skull and crossbones are especially adorable! (Pretends to drink)
(The Atlantis man takes the good guys on a tour. They are watched by a large group of mermaids and mermen on horses)
Atlantean: I am honored to introduce to you my squadron of mermaids and mermen.
(The mermaids and mermen immediately leave)
NC (vo; as the mermaids and mermen): Bye. Why did we show up for this again? Does he think we can hear him through that?
Atlantean: We must go. It's getting late.
NC: (as the Atlantean) The mall closes half past Kidnap-o'clock.
Atlantean: How do you like it?
Connors (without moving his mouth at all): It's like a dream.
NC: No, dreams make sense compared to this.
NC (vo): They then take them to a room full of toys, who have the ability to speak and achieve conscious thoughts. How is this possible?
Atlantean: Everything lives, moves and thinks, even if it seems impossible at times.
NC: Oh, that explains that. How about a creepy song number?
(The toys begin having a party in the ballroom, led by a fish on a spring wearing a tuxedo)
Pingo: (singing) Here is a surprise. / Hmm. / You can thank your lucky stars that I've saved your lives!
NC (vo): I don't like this guy's voice. He sounds like the Crypt Keeper if he was choking on Gollum.
Pingo: (singing) I will see without mistake. (Laughs) Atlantis is the only place where you always stay awake!
NC: This IS the last thing we'll see before we die!
NC (vo): But you know what this song really needs? Rave music.
(The toys all start dancing and singing to rave, electronic music. A caption pops up, saying, "THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING!")
Pingo: (singing): The water is fresh! / You can swim around / At the Fish-o-thèque! / It's a real cool sound!
(NC is totally shocked beyond belief)
Pingo: (singing): Come in to my show / That doesn't cost your dime! / Every single day, / It's always party time!
NC: This review is writing itself! I'm not even kidding! Look! (Reveals a pen writing something by itself) This review is literally writing itself!
NC (vo): This is so terrifyingly batshit insane that you can actually hear someone off-screen declare, "This is scary". I'm not even kidding. Listen closely.
(We are shown one part of the dance number, and we do briefly hear Elizabeth off-screen saying "This is scary")
NC: Do you hear that? I swear she said "this is scary"!
(The scene is shown again, with a subtitle saying the sentence just as we briefly hear it)
NC: Yes, it is, poor soul. I think we know who the real survivors involving the Titanic should be!
NC (vo): But the musical counselor lets some uncomfortable news slip.
Pingo: (singing) Up there, you can't go back!
(The good guys are stunned upon hearing that)
NC (vo): Oh, I'm sorry. I was supposed to tell you that after the chloroform sprinklers went off.
NC: Holy Christ, I need a drink! (Brings out his remote, only to discover that the whole planet-sized Jägermeister bottle is empty) Hey! Who drank my Jäger planet?!
(We cut to outer space, where a spaceship is slowly flying towards the sun. As we see that, we hear from inside the ship Malcolm and Tamara singing drunkenly, having been the ones who drunk the Jäger planet. They are singing "We Are Young")
Malcolm and Tamara: (singing) Tonight, / We are young! / So I'll set the world on fire, / We can go higher / Than the sun!
Malcolm: There's a sun!
(The spaceship crashes into the sun. Then we go to a commercial break. When we come back, we see Elizabeth and Don Juan meet the king)
NC (vo): So they end up meeting the king of Atlantis and...whaa!
(The king's face is covered with his cloak except for the eyes. In fact, the eyes and the face aren't seen at all)
King: From now on, Atlantis will be your home, and you will not be able to leave it.
NC: (confused) Who's a Ringwraith now?..
King: I hope you will accept my apologies for a lack of tact displayed by our counselor when he gave you the news.
Don Juan: On the contrary, it's better that we were told about the situation right away. And I have to say your counselor informed us in the most amusing way, which helped us all to see the benefit.
NC (vo): Yes, I love being told I'm a hostage via bullshit music that even Radio Disney would throw in acid.
NC: Clearly, you thought long and hard about this.
NC (vo): He's also told that the elixir not only has them breathe underwater, but also can have them live forever. Again, would have been a nice nugget of knowledge to know earlier.
Dolphin: Your friends aren't still getting over the shock of the news, are they?
Don Juan: No, they're still a bit surprised by it, but they understand that we had no choice in the matter.
NC: What are you smoking to be so okay with this?!
(Cut to a scene from 2012's The Avengers)
Steve Rogers/Captain America: Now might be a really good time for you to get angry.
NC (vo): Our mice friends come across other mice in Atlantis...because that's a common Atlantean infestation. And it turns out they're even more offensive stereotypes than them.
Asian mouse: (various scenes) Hi-yah! / You can never be too prudent. / After you. / Everything is ready! / It's open! / But you can trust us, you do. / Get out of here, go, and take the flask with you!
NC: (nervous laugh) We, uh, call him Mickey Mouse Rooney.
NC (vo): While that's going on, Smile comes across a new companion.
(Smile puts a rose in the girl dog's ear)
(Girl dog laughs, and then starts kissing Smile)
NC (vo, as Smile): Whoa, whoa, slow down. We haven't even sniffed each other's asses yet.
(Smile and the girl dog jump into the water and play around when it suddenly cuts to Connors and his friend sliding down a long tube in a raft)
NC: D'oh! I guess that scene was over.
NC (vo): This movie has the smooth transition of a slap to your balls.
Sumo rat: Who are these?
Pirate rat: The chief did say that all the rats should be present, you idiot!
NC (vo; as a pirate rat): You're so stupid I'd bet you'd appear in the same background in a jump cut. (Speaks normally) So the rats of this underwater world don't like the Atlanteans and want to take them over.
Rat Leader: Let's take a huge stash of the elixir of life with us. (rats cheer) Thanks to the elixir, we'll be able to conquer the world and we'll offer that annoying little pink octopus as a present to Razor Teeth. That fish is the one that causes all the problems.
Ronnie (the other rat): Razor Teeth?
Rat: Yes, he's our ally.
NC (shocked): Wow, I've never accumulated so many questions in such a short amount of time. (shrugs)
NC (vo): How did the rats get there? If they didn't drink the elixir, how can they be there? How will the elixir make them rule the world? Why do they want to rule the world? What issues do they have with the Atlantean government? How does the Atlantean government work? Why do they think the octopus causes all the problems? How are they in contact with the sharks? Why are they in contact with the sharks?
NC: This bullshit makes so little sense, you could call it (shows an image of) Brexitlantis!
NC (vo): This news eventually gets back to our heroes.
Don Juan: This time, we should all be there. Do I make myself perfectly clear, Smile?
Smile: But I can't come. I'm really scared of water. I had a bad experience when I was only a puppy.
NC (vo): Oh, and being on the Titanic probably played a small part in that.
NC: Oh, yeah, by the way, AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO BE LOOKING FOR THAT?
NC (vo): For a film called "In Search of the Titanic", there's very little searching for the Titanic! Even for the original title, "Tentacolino", he's barely in this either. You might as well call it: (zooms to Elizabeth's shoes) "Left Shoe on Lady's Foot".
NC: It'd make about as much sense and be far more engaging!
NC (vo): So they tell the king about the evil plot and how they also plan to take apart his counselor.
Pingo: If they dismantle me with a screwdriver, I'll die.
Dolphin: They'll have to have a screwdriver, and down here in Atlantis, there are no screwdrivers. They've all been banned.
NC (vo): W...wait a minute, no screwdrivers? Um, (cut to a shot of the city) all of this city was made with no screwdrivers?
NC: Boy, dealers in this city must be very interesting. (Cut to a photo of two drug dealers, but instead of selling drugs, they're selling a screwdriver)
NC (vo): So they agree to let them do the revolution...I mean, they are just freaking rats...and to stop them in the middle of it.
King: (talking to Conners and Ronnie): We'll replace the flask of elixir with a false one, which will be full of water.
Don Juan: I'm ready to serve, Your Majesty.
King: We must prepare for battle.
Don Juan: All we have to do is win.
NC: (angry) You've made everyone dumber for saying that.
NC (vo): So they help them get the fake elixir, but the Atlanteans are there to head them off.
(The Atlanteans are shooting the rats and sharks with lasers)
Octopus: That's it, good! (cut to Smile, shooting with a gun) Ha, ha!
NC: (shocked) Whoa, Smile is packing!
NC (vo; as Smile): I'm sending you all to Doggie Hell! You hear me? DOGGIE HELL, WHICH WE JUST CLARIFIED EXISTS!!!
(The Atlantean army is shown to have submarines as a part of it)
NC (vo): Wow, look at all those ships. And not one screwdriver was used on any of them.
NC: A little spit and mud goes a long way.
NC (vo): So all the toys are marching into battle when somebody spots a little girl doll in the army.
King: A little girl! Little one, I appreciate your effort, but this is no place for someone like you. What is your name, my child?
Girl: (talking in a surprisingly rash male voice) For the love of broken bagpipes!
NC: (scared) Whaaaat?
Girl: I'm not a little girl. I'm the commander of the mountain artillery troops! It's a curse, not a disguise!
(Cut to NC, with an open mouth, clearly stunned)
Girl: I'm dolled up like this because I fell into the hands of a little girl who thought she'd put a wig on me when she saw me with this skirt on. (approaches to the King) Your Majesty...
NC: (startled) Don't...come near me.
Girl: Let me fight! I have to banish this curse that's holding me and regain my identity.
NC: (trying to make sense out of the scene): Okay, um... Some notes.
NC (vo): How is a little girl dressing you up a curse? It's...just a little girl dressing you up, there's no supernatural elements. Second, why don't you just take the wig off? Along with the makeup? In fact, you're underwater. How the hell does that stay on anyway? (The guy takes his wig off) Yeah, like that--
NC: YOU JUST DID IT! YOU TOOK IT OFF LIKE IT WAS NOTHING! Does that mean the curse is gone now?
NC (vo): Whatever weird curse you think your Parker Brothers Ouija board gave you?
King: From now on, you have a new leader. A new general. The General Brew Molly. (The army cheers)
NC (vo): And I'm not even kidding, this character never comes back. The strange backstory, the curse, the nonsensical story arc, none of it plays a part in anything. It was 100% pointless.
NC: Well, thank you for that. Whenever somebody brings up...
NC (vo): ...a Scottish toy who fought in a war, who was cursed to look like a little girl, but fired a cannon, lifting the curse and promoting him to general...
NC: ...I still won't reference you.
NC (vo): So they zap the bad guy's ship with some sort of forgetting ray...
(Cut again to Sullivan from The Departed)
NC (vo): ...and the bad guy totally forgets his plans...or if he ever had any at all. Yeah, what was his scheme?
(Having been blasted with the forgetting ray, a confused Maltravers talks to Jeffrey)
Maltravers: Jeffrey, tell me, what was happening?
NC (vo): Thus, the rats also find out that the elixir they got isn't the real elixir, as they test it on this old man whom they tie to bricks and try to drown.
NC: (confused) You know, I'm starting to think these were the rats NIMH flushed down the toilet.
Old Rat: Fix them so that they'll never hurt anyone again!
(The rats are tied down and taken somewhere, and a fast cut of Tentacles the octopus appears, scaring NC)
NC (vo): Aah! What was that?!
(The movie immediately shows the next scene)
Pingo: We've won! We're the best!
NC (vo): Why was there...a random shot of Pinkthulu there?
NC: Was it a subliminal message letting us know the film is always watching us?
(Cut to the same scene from before, with the cut included, but longer)
NC: (as the octopus, in a demonic voice) Jesus died in vain.
Pingo: We've won! We're the best!
NC (vo): And as a reward to our heroes, they clean up and put together the Titanic. Yeah, remember that? The title of the goddamn movie?
Atlantean: We're finished, Your Excellency.
NC (vo, as Atlantean): Complete with dead bodies and everything!
Pingo: (looking at a chest) Come on, Screwy! (a screwdriver appears)
NC: (shocked) WAIT A MINUTE!! HE'S WITH A SCREWDRIVER!!! I THOUGHT THEY WERE OUTLAWED!
NC (vo): In fact, the screwdriver can talk, too! Yeah, it can think, it can make choices, it can do anything just like all the other things! That...that makes it kind of worse!
NC: They've outlawed an entire group of people just for existing? (Cut to an old woman with a Trump shirt doing the Nazi salute) That's America's job!
NC (vo): So they take the ship and our heroes to the Isle of Naboombu where they say they'll live the rest of their immortal lives. Um...sweet?
King: This is a secret island, unreachable by anyone, and here you will live happily ever after. (The couple kisses)
NC (vo; as couple): Thanks again for kidnapping us, forcing us to live forever, having us fighting in your wars, and dropping us off on a deserted island!
NC: Ah, thank God we have no friends back home.
(Cut to a montage of the movie as NC gets to his final thought)
NC (vo): And that was The Search for Titanic*, by far the worst of the movies. Not because of how historically insensitive it is, you could claim the others are worse for that, but just for what a poorly-made, nonsensical, totally mad collection of ravings it is. The imagery in this film is beyond bonkers, and the reasons for the imagery are the invitation to a dark hallway of insanity I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. It is beyond words, it is a sickness. It is the worst in the animated musical Titanic trilogy. And I am so sad we live in a world where that's a thing! Holy goddamn hell!
- It's actually called In Search of the Titanic.
NC: For this movie is an infection, and let me tell you, it's infected me! And it's gonna take a long time to get rid of it.
(Cut to NC in his couch, covered in a blanket with a scared face. As months pass, we see NC trying to recover from the movie, chewing his arm, talking to himself, but he finally recovers)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and I will survive. You know, it's funny. In the end, all I had to do was think of people less fortunate than me. That somehow just cleared everything up. Just thinking of people less fortunate than me-- (Realizes something)
(Cut to the hotel room. Brad, James, Dante and Cricket are still stuck)
Cricket: (on the verge of tears) It's not that I'm ashamed of the name Cricket Lee, I just-- I thought it'd be a show about a cartoon insect who studies Kung Fu, and now it's never gonna happen.
Dante: Don't say that.
James: Yeah, we'll make it happen.
Brad: Actually, I think there is a porno of it.
(NC suddenly comes in)
NC: Did you guys have a good rest? That's fantastic! What are you still doing here? Get out there and see the sights! If you could sign these forms just saying that you won't sue me for any felonies that I may or may not have committed, that'd be phenomenal. So, yeah, go out there, see Niagara. It's Niagara, guys, it's so great! Get out there, you bunch of knuckleheads!
(He shuts the door. Brad goes to open the door again, but like last time, it's locked)
(The credits roll)
Channel Awesome Tagline: Don Juan: All we have to do is win.