That Darn Cat (1997)
August 7, 2019
Tuffy: So remember, kids, Tuffy Flakes isn't the healthiest cereal, but a longer life not dedicated to sugar is no life at all.
(The camera pulls back to reveal that Tuffy is standing in a cemetery, surrounded on all sides by gravestones)
Tuffy: Tuffy Flakes: They're (points in the air) gr-r-r-roing to kill you, but who cares? (shrugs)
NC: (offscreen) And... cut!
(The scene of the cemetery suddenly turns into a green screen. NC is standing nearby, looking on his phone (presumably, he was filming it on there))
NC: Great, you have a commercial. (turns to leave the room)
Tuffy: (puts the cereal box down) Oh, Mr. Critic! (runs to NC) I just wanted to say how thankful I am that you're directing this commercial.
NC: (deadpan) Check.
Tuffy: Oh, right. (gives the check to NC) It's just the other directors actually tried my product and died very early deaths for some reason.
NC: Good thing I don't like the taste of sugar-coated cardboard.
Tuffy: How did you know the secret ingredient?
NC: Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta get ready for a crossover with the Cinema Snob.
Tuffy: You do that. And the Tuffiest of days to you, sir!
NC: (stares at Tuffy for a bit) You scare me. You scare me. (goes off)
(Tuffy shrugs. He turns back to pick up his cereal box, as the camera moves behind his back, suggesting that somebody is approaching him. Tuffy turns around)
Tuffy: (gasps) Oh, my God. It's you!
(And we go to the opening! After this, we fade to Doug's cat, Chaplin, waking up on a couch)
Chaplin (voiced by Doug): (speaking cheerfully) Oh, boy! What a great morning! I'm Chaplin. (walks out of the living room) Time to go enjoy the beautiful day. Oh, boy! The wall is still blue! Good job, wall! I'm Chaplin. You know what else is blue? Tuffy Flakes. I'm gonna go look at a box of it right now, because I'm Chaplin.
(Chaplin goes to a box of Tuffy Flakes on the floor...that doesn't have its mascot on it. The camera dramatically zooms in on it, and on Chaplin as well)
Chaplin: Oh, no! Tuffy the Tiger is missing! It's still a great day, but (zoom in) Tuffy the Tiger is missing!
(Chaplin goes to his owner's room and jumps on his computer chair)
Chaplin: This looks like a job for my bestest friend in the whole wide world, Lloyd, played by Lloyd. Come in, Lloyd! Come in!
(Lloyd, Brad Jones' cat, is displayed on the computer via video call)
Lloyd (voiced by Brad): (speaking in a bored, Garfield-esque voice) Dammit, Chaplin! I told you never to call me between the times of now or ever!
Chaplin: I'm sorry, Lloyd, but it's an emergency. Tuffy the Tiger is missing!
Lloyd: (sounding worried) Oh, my God! That adorable YouTube sensation with almost 19 subscribers?
(As he says this, the screenshot of "Tuffy Tiger" YouTube channel is shown, having 18 subscribers at the time of the video's release)
Chaplin: Actually, no. It's a cereal mascot.
Lloyd: Oh. Who cares?
Chaplin: The world cares, Lloyd. And if we don't do something about it, the world may stop caring.
Lloyd: (sounding annoyed) Oh, okay. Where was he last seen?
Chaplin: At Channel Awesome studios, shooting a commercial with my owner, the Nostalgia Critic!
Lloyd: Oh, yeah. My food giver, the Cinema Snob, was heading over there, too.
Chaplin: Tuffy hasn't gotten far. Perhaps they could lead us to him. I'm Chaplin.
Lloyd: Yes. Perhaps we can keep tabs on them through my surveillance cameras I conveniently set up all over the world...
(As Lloyd speaks, we're shown the security camera in the studio's hallway, showing NC casually greeting the Cinema Snob typing on his phone next to the door of NC's room)
Lloyd: ...and see if they lead us to him.
Chaplin: Wow! You mean, like the movie That Darn Cat?
(The title of this 1997 film is shown)
Lloyd: (shakes head) No! Nothing like that.
Chaplin: Oh. Okay.
Lloyd: Let's watch them and see what happens.
Chaplin: You got it, pal!
(Cut to NC and CS calmly sitting together at NC's desk)
CS: You wanna talk about That Darn Cat?
(The title is shown again, followed by clips from the original 1965 film)
CS (vo): The original That Darn Cat! premiered in 1965 to positive reviews and a decent box office.
NC (vo): Following the story of an alley cat who police suspect could lead them to a kidnapped woman, it's one of those overlooked Disney classics that had good comedy, memorable characters, and surprisingly intimidating villains.
Dan (Neville Brand): (holding Margaret Miller at gunpoint) Because I got friends. Ten little lead-nosed friends in here. And they all run faster than you do, Moms.
(Cut to a clip from Spaceballs)
Barf: Holy shit!
(Now, we're shown clips from the 1997 film)
CS (vo): In 1997, at the height of Disney's live-action cinematic renaissance, (Several posters are quickly shown: of Air Bud, Jungle 2 Jungle, Mr. Magoo and Rocketman) a remake was released, starring Christina Ricci, Doug E. Doug, and whoever else said "I need a down payment on a condo!"
NC (vo): Where the original had surprisingly a lot of personality and even suspense, this has a surprisingly small amount of "darn cat" and an annoyingly large amount of dick humans.
CS (vo): Notice how the original has an exclamation point in its title, and the remake has Comic Sans' unemployable brother? Big clue!
NC (vo): And we're gonna look at how such a lousy remake from such an enjoyable source material could have happened.
CS: With apologies to feline lovers watching.
NC: And felines as well.
(Cut back to their cats)
Lloyd: They're doing nothing but sitting there! Imagine an animal doing such a thing. Let's watch something else.
Chaplin: Lloyd! Are you suggesting we let an innocent creature die, just so you don't have to watch their review?
(Back to NC and CS)
CS: Let's take a look at That Darn Cat.
(Both start laughing uproariously, before we cut back to two cats again)
Lloyd: There aren't enough "yes"es in the world!
Lloyd: Okay, fine. We'll keep an eye on them.
Chaplin: I'm Lloyd.
Lloyd: No, you're not! You're Chaplin.
Chaplin: Oh, that's right. I'm Chaplin.
Lloyd: (sounding and looking annoyed) Sigh...
Chaplin: ...amese! 'Cause that's what you are. Siamese. And I'm Chaplin.
(Lloyd groans. The Walt Disney Pictures logo begins playing)
CS (vo): The film opens with the sounds of every cat tortured in the making of this production.
(Along with the traditional music, we hear the sounds of cats meowing)
NC: Well, they sound sad. Think they'll be okay?
CS: (scoffs) Not by the sound of this follow-up noise that, I swear, we didn't put in!
(The logo ends on the sound of dog growling and the cat yelping)
NC: (shocked) Jesus! Did they set Cujo on them?!
CS: Relax. Pluto just ate another kitten from The Aristocats.
CS: (chuckles) He's got very dark, dark history. (NC squints)
NC (vo): The opening credits roll, but not before this important piece of information.
(The camera flies over a city, and a caption pops up denoting the location: "Boston, Massachusetts", added by "before the turn of the century...")
NC: (smiles smugly) How would you like to be Christina Ricci knowing that your top billing was stolen by the location and date?
CS (vo): Well, everyone thinks Good Will Hunting was the 1997 movie that put Boston on the cinematic map. But they're wrong: it's this.
(The music which is playing over the opening credits is R&B that has the singers shouting "That darn cat!")
NC (vo): Well, thank God they let us know when this took place. The music wouldn't have been a tip-off at all!
(The R&B continues to play, with trumpets added to the mix)
CS: (laughs) Motown! (NC gives him a weird look)
(We're shown a millionaire named Mr. Flint inside his mansion reading the newspaper while his wife, Mrs. Flint, puts her makeup on and does aerobics)
NC (vo): The film opens with one of the stars from the original, Dean Jones, playing a millionaire getting ready for bed with his wife, played by Dyan Cannon.
Flint: I'll tell you what's horrible. Even pork bellies are sagging.
Mrs. Flint: (jumping on a trampoline) Whoo-hoo-hoo!
CS: You wouldn't be laughing if you knew what his night life was like!
(Cut to a clip from Beethoven)
Dr. Herman Varnick: I need puppies.
(Flint askes her maid Lizzie for some milk. She drowsily passes by two burglars wearing white hockey masks)
NC (vo): As the credits roll, Dean asks the maid for some food while Jason Voorhees witnesses come knocking on the door.
Male Burglar: (voice distorted) You'd think with all her millions, she could afford a plastic surgeon.
CS: Hi, Peter Boyle!
NC: Mystery solved.
NC (vo): Yeah. Unlike the last film, where it was based on suspense of whether or not the kidnappers will kill the woman, here, it's supposed to be a mystery of who committed the crime.
CS (vo): But A: there's only two duos in the entire movie, which narrows it down, and B: even if you didn't know Peter Boyle was in this film, you would by the time you heard this.
Male Burglar: (voice distorted) You'd think with all her millions, she could afford a plastic surgeon.
CS (vo): It sounds like Raymond's dad kidnapped his kids and won't give them back until he divorces Deborah.
NC: Save it for the reunion show. (The snippet of the poster of Everybody Loves Raymond is shown, but with a burglar mask edited on Frank Barone)
(The burglars, intending to kidnap Mrs. Flint, abduct Lizzie instead)
NC (vo): The "unknown criminals" accidentally abduct the maid instead of the wife, as we cut to the next day, beautifully composed by your two-year-old's Pinkalicious music app.
(As we're shown Edgefield in South Carolina, the musical score by Richard Gibbs, consisting of a really small orchestra playing cartoonish brass instruments, is heard)
CS: And they say Mario Paint music is dead.
(Patti Randall, played by Christina Ricci, is first shown reading her essay to her classmates)
CS (vo): Christina Ricci plays...
NC: Let me guess. The weird girl who wears all black?
CS: Of course that's what she's playing!
CS (vo): ...who finds blending in with the cast of Riverdale more daunting than trying to blend in with a cat she's supposed to have owned for years.
(Patti meets with her mother Judy, played by Bess Armstrong, after school, while carrying her cat DC. The camera zooms in on the cat, who is obviously trying to get out of its owner's hands)
Judy: [Why is it so] painfully hard for you to be nice?
Patti: (scoffs) I think you wound up with all the "nice" in the family, Mom.
CS (vo): This version of DC is one of the most uncomfortable-looking animals I've ever seen in a film. Every shot either quickly cuts away as if he bolted before the scene was over, or it looks like someone's waving the toy offscreen. He leaves so little impact, they actually replaced him (The film's poster is shown) with a different cat on the poster, and nobody noticed!
(The footage of DC in the 1965 film is shown)
NC (vo): The original DC has such presence, as if the people who made it knew if it was going to be called "That Darn Cat", they should probably get "that darn cat" right. I think of movies like (posters of...) Babe, or Homeward Bound, or... (The poster for the 2019 Lion King remake is briefly shown, before switching to...) Babe: Pig in the City. The animals look so invested and in every moment because they trained them so well. Here, if you feel the animal's interest being bribed with goodies, it immediately takes you out of it.
(Cut back to the cats)
Lloyd: (lying on the carpet) That is outrageous! (starts playing with something that is covered by a black circle reading "Not a cat toy") Why, if we did something like that, wouldn't you be furious?
Chaplin: (also playing with "not a cat toy") I sure would. A multi-million dollar production like that should at least get a good cat trainer.
Lloyd: What do you think this is? An online series with a one-week turnaround?
Chaplin: I'm still Chaplin!
(Some clips of the original movie are shown, focusing on the people's acting)
CS (vo): Something else you'll notice is while the eccentric cast in the original contributed to the movement of the movie, here, it's just random people doing random shit, impacting nothing.
(Patti and Judy stop at a gas station owned by Dusty, a mechanic played by John Ratzenberger. His rival Rollo (Mark Christopher Lawrence) is across the road)
Rollo: I'll do it in ten.
Dusty: Well, I'll do it in nine.
Rollo: Eight and a 10% discount!
Dusty: (approaches Rollo) Twelve and a free battery charge!
CS: Stop it!
NC: (tearfully) Can't you two see you're in love?!
(Cut to the police and detectives inspecting the Flints' house)
NC (vo): Dean Jones reports the kidnapping, (The shot zooms in on a depressed Mr. Flint) constantly looking like there's no God, while Agent Zeke Kelso, played by Kevin Hart prototype, Doug E. Doug, is searching for clues.
Zeke: (to FBI Captain Boetticher) These people are liars. (points towards Mrs. Flint) She told me she was 39. I'm tellin' you, cover-up.
NC (vo; as Derice): Sanka, you dead? (as Sanka) No, man. But my career is.
(Patti, her mother and cat walk along the street. Judy waves to Pa and Ma, the pair of ice cream shop owners, who are played by Peter Boyle and Rebecca Schull)
Ma: Yoo-hoo! Hello!
Judy: (waves in response) Hello, there!
Pa: Hi, Patti!
NC and CS: (as Pa and Ma, waving and smiling) We're the kidnappers!
NC (vo): Speaking of not trying, Christina Ricci.
CS (vo): ...Anything else you wanted to add?
NC (vo): No, I think her performance says it all.
Patti: (various scenes) The Candy Cane, where young Edgefelders go to get a sugar buzz. / Well, he's got fleas, but I think he had those before you got here. / DC! / You've only known me 16 years. / I'm gonna strangle you, DC.
NC: How can a girl who so clearly doesn't want to be there be so miscast as a girl who clearly doesn't want to be there?!
(Patti goes to a butcher shop to meet Lu, played by Megan Cavanagh)
CS (vo): Look, it's General Omar Bradley.
Patti: (pointing at a pig head made out of pig meat) Did you do this?
Lu: Yes. Yeah, I once built a castle out of Spam.
CS: Eric Idle saw it. Said it gave him a good idea for a musical.
(Two clips from the original and later films are shown to compare the main cat's breed during their nightly prowls)
NC (vo): Where in the original, it was tough for the cops to keep up with DC at night because he's a darker cat, here, he sticks out like a sore thumb! Why have they changed him from being Siamese, anyway?
CS (vo): Bad memories.
(The clip from The Aristocats, showing a Chinese cat Shun Gon playing the piano with chopsticks, is shown)
Shun Gon: (singing) Shanghai, Hong Kong, egg foo young!
NC: (nods) Ah. (CS winces)
(A bulldog named Smokey walks out of his doghouse)
CS (vo; as Smokey): Oh, they better not want me to bark the title this time.
(Smokey chases DC. He slips under a loose board in the fence, and the board bumps Smokey in the nose)
NC: (grins) Cats rule and dogs...die.
(DC goes to meet his female cat friend, who is standing on her hind legs and scratching the window)
NC (vo): Aww. It's love at first...can you at least look at each other, please?!
(The female cat's owner (wearing sunglasses) turns on the light, standing in the background. The shot zooms in on her, with the green arrow pointing at her with "WTF?". NC and CS look at this extra, feeling really uncomfortable and frightened)
CS: ...Well, now we know what happened to the ghost from Three Men and a Baby.
(DC is shown looking at a couple of elders dancing together to a foxtrot in an empty diner)
CS (vo; as DC): This town could use some Gremlins.
(DC walks into the kidnappers' hideout and comes towards Lizzie, who gives the cat a watch with an unfinished word "help": the phone rang, so she had to let DC go)
NC (vo): DC comes across the kidnapped maid, tied up with ropes so comically large, it could be the BFG's shoelaces, as she scratches "help" on her watch and puts it around the cat's neck.
(The next morning at the Randalls' house, DC jumps on Peter's (Patti's father, who's played by Michael McKean) lap. Peter looks at the watch on DC)
Peter: Oop, 7.20. Better get down to the bookstore.
NC: Oh, that's not nearly as funny as Canoe noticing it.
(The clip from the original film that used the same setup: Canoe glancing at the watch on DC)
Canoe (Thomas Lowell): 11:15? Man, I gotta get some sleep.
CS: Well, what more could you expect from...
CS (vo): ...the world's most romantic leading man?
Canoe: (various clips) Next time, I'll take you to one of those "happily ever after" clambakes. / You sure you don't want me to stick around till your sister comes home? You know, the protecting bit. / I'm all churned up inside. / If you won't go to the beach with me, then I'll...I'll make myself a sandwich. / (after Patti coughs while he's smoking) Does my smoking bother you? / You're running out of peanut butter! / I don't feel like a pizza. / Well, you don't have to go away mad. / (making raspy sounds)
Patti: Has it ever occurred to you there's more to life than just surfing and eating?
Canoe: Like what?
Tamara: (shows up in NC's room, smiling dreamily) Oh, Canoe...
NC: Pretty erotic stuff, huh?
Tamara: I'll make him a sandwich any day.
(And then Canoe appears at the door with his pipe, played by Ryan Mitchelle)
Canoe: Well, hey. Did somebody say "sandwich"?
(The audience's cheering is heard)
NC: (smiles) Canoe! What are you doing in this neck of the woods?
Canoe: Well, you know, uh, watching surf movies, smoking my pipe, looking through people's mail.
Tamara: You are the hottest man alive!
Canoe: Oh, why, thank you, uh...uh...
Tamara: Yours. Just call me "Yours".
Canoe: Hmm. Sounds Swedish.
(Tamara, NC and CS laugh as the audience's applauding is heard)
CS: What a knucklehead!
Canoe: Say, Yours, what do you say, I sit on the floor, even though we have a couch, and I sometimes act like I'm interested in you?
Tamara: (overjoyed) Dreams really do come true!
(She and Canoe merrily skip away from NC's room)
NC: (still smiling) He's a boat.
(Back to the film)
NC (vo): Ricci finds the watch on DC...now that your focus would go to that at all, tell me if anything else would draw your attention in this shot!
(As Patti observes the word "hell" carved on the watch, the camera also shows her finger with a plastic eye on it)
Patti: How weird. Hmm.
NC (vo): How am I supposed to focus on the watch if the top of (shot of...) the Technodrome is emerging from her thumb?!
Patti: This looks like the same Timex. I know who gave DC the watch.
Judy: Who? (takes the newspaper with a photo of...) Hillary Clinton?
CS: It's true. (poster of...) Hillary's America confirmed it.
(Cut to Mr. Flint's wife trying to reassure him everything will turn out okay)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Dean Jones' transformation into George Bailey and Mr. Potter is almost complete.
Flint: We're broke. I jumped in bed with every leveraged buyout, junk bond, rumored corporate takeover there was.
NC: (as Flint, mumbling) I don't have the money here. It's in Joe's house and Kennedy's house. (slams the table) That's why I'm foreclosing on them!
(Patti and DC go to the police station for help, but nobody believes them there, and two men drag them out)
NC (vo): Ricci goes to the police to see if she can get anyone to help.
CS (vo; as a policeman): Nobody reports crimes around here. This definitely called for a double escort!
Patti: (after being asked why the kidnappers would kidnap the maid) Because they know the local police are idiots!
(Cut to Patti and DC walking in the ice cream parlor. On a table next to the door, the old lady is sitting with a little girl)
NC (vo): Here's a fun game. Tell me the point of this line.
Girl: Grandma, I feel sick.
Old Lady: Aww.
CS: ...That the sound editor should be fired?
NC (vo): Seriously, it cuts off mid-grandma's line! Even the background ambience is abruptly decapitated!
(The scene is replayed to prove this statement)
Girl: Grandma, I feel sick.
Old Lady: Aww.
CS: Who was in charge of that?!
(NC takes the remote and presses a button. We go to an opening shot of Edgefield, but with a fake credit "Sound Editing: Canoe")
NC and CS: Canoe?
(Tamara and Canoe show up in the room, embracing each other)
Canoe: Yup. It was me. I also edited this scene a little bit, too.
Old Lady: Aww.
(Smash cut to a short clip from a movie featuring a person surfing on waves)
Tamara: Wow. Is there anything he can't do?
Canoe: Give birth to a baby.
Canoe: No, I mean it. Get on it.
Tamara: (stops laughing) Oh. Okay...
Canoe: Go on. (nods to Tamara, smiling)
Tamara: (becoming more and more flummoxed) Oh. I...ah...I...okay. (They slowly leave the room) Okay.
CS: That'll work out fine.
(Patti ask Pa and Ma questions at the counter)
NC (vo): Ricci drops by the ice cream place, just as Boyle got done putting out his strangling gloves. Tell me everything about this scene doesn't point to them being the kidnappers.
Ma: It can be a blessing not to be noticed, honey.
Patti: You guys feel stuck, too?
Ma: (nods) Mmm-hmm.
Pa: (hugs Ma) We'll be okay.
CS: Buffalo Bill is less obvious than you!
(Patti meets with Zeke Kelso in his office (making "help" out of "hell" beforehand by herself) and tells him about the finding)
NC (vo): Ricci goes to the FBI, and they put their top fop on the case to see if there's any validity to the watch belonging to the kidnapped maid.
Zeke: I understand that you witnessed the Flint kidnapping?
Patti: DC, sort of.
Zeke: Where's DC?
Patti: Well, I wasn't sure if you allowed pets in the building.
CS: (as Patti) Also, he constantly tries to get out of my arms. Our bond is a joke!
(The following shot is focusing on car driving on a highway. Patti and Zeke are heard in voiceover)
Zeke: So every night at 8.00, the cat goes out.
Zeke: Hmm. Well, then, I'll be over at 7.00.
Patti: Not every day you see a car with shag carpeting and a bobbing dog head.
Zeke: Thanks. I did it myself.
(Cut to a similar shot from another movie that is looking more recent)
NC (vo): Hey, Snob, how do you pretend two actors have chemistry while also making up for scenes you ran out of money to shoot?
CS (vo): ADR them and a long shot of a car driving?
NC (vo): Ding-ding-ding!
(We're back to the felines)
Lloyd: Their ADR is preposterous! You didn't even see their lips move.
Chaplin: Yeah! It's almost as bad as the ones for Garfield.
Lloyd: Garfield's lips aren't supposed to move, you meathead!
Chaplin: Oh. That's why he confused me in Amazing Spider-Man!
Lloyd: (jumps down the chair) Useless!
(Patti invites her parents into an ice cream parlor)
NC (vo): Ricci has to get her parents out of the house for the investigation, so she tricks them by getting them show tickets.
Judy: Cats. The Community College Road Company at the Oaken Bucket Dinner Theater! (Peter is also surprised)
CS: Thank God. I thought it was to that CGI fetish porno. (The shot from the upcoming 2019 Cats film is shown)
NC: Foodfight? (Sunshine Goodness from this film is shown)
CS: Both work.
(Zeke finds a piece of string on DC's head and examines it)
CS (vo): Kelso spots a cherry stem on DC...oh, wait, the movie thinks we're dumbasses, so we're not supposed to know what that is yet. (chuckles a bit) I'm dead serious.
Zeke: It's red and sticky. Maybe blood.
(A sound of knocking is heard as NC and CS listen closely. An animated brain hops on the table)
Brain (voiced by Brad): (angrily) It's your brain! Use me!
(DC runs away from Patti, and he's spotted by two FBI agents, who chase him down)
NC (vo): DC hits the town, as the FBIs follow him without trying to be noticed.
(One agent attempts to lift up another one to the other side of the fence)
Agent 1: Here we go. You ready?
Agent 2: Yeah, I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it...! (yells as he falls, crashing)
CS: That woman is so dead!
(It appears the agent fell into Smokey's backyard. The dog charges at him)
NC (vo): Thank God they're using the absolute worst FBI in movie history!
(Another agent encounters DC and his girlfriend, who scratch him bad, making him fall off a ladder (shooting his gun all the while) and actually breaking it)
NC (vo; solemnly): We lost four good men that night. Well...not good men.
(Judy and Peter return from the show)
CS (vo): Meanwhile, the parents get done with their viewing of Cats.
Judy: (to Peter preparing to smoke) You don't smoke cigars.
Peter: Well, I don't buy cigars. If a guy in a cat suit gives me a free one, I'm gonna smoke it.
CS: (baffled) Is this part of the show now? (The image from the musical is shown with a cigar edited onto one of the performers)
(Peter sees DC wandering in town, runs up to him and picks him up...just as the agents surround him)
NC (vo): He comes across DC in the parking lot, and the world's greatest FBI use their subtle influence to make sure he doesn't interfere.
Agent: (cuffing Peter) All right, cat man. Up against the car.
NC: This movie's so bad, it's taking stars off of other movies!
CS: Heh. (points offscreen) There goes one from To Kill a Mockingbird.
(As he says it, one of 4.5 stars from Roger Ebert's 2001 review of this movie fades away)
NC: (looks at the camera glumly) Thanks, That Darn Cat.
(The other agents continue chasing DC in the neighborhood)
Agent 1: Oh, there he is. There he is. All right, go, go, go, go!
Agent 2: No, he's going in the trees. I hate trees!
CS (vo; as Agent 2): When I trained for the FBI, I was promised no trees. Child homicide I can deal with, but no trees!
(The agents burst into Patti's house and hold her and Zeke at gunpoint as DC returns to them)
Agents: (shouting) Everybody freeze! Don't...don't...don't move!
NC (vo): Yeah, no one expects the FBI to recognize their own starting point either.
(Cut to Zeke interrogating Peter)
Zeke: You're in serious trouble, mister!
CS (vo): Kelso tries interrogating Ricci's father, which, at this point, there's no way he couldn't know this was Ricci's father!
Zeke: Now, all we want to know...is what you wanted with the cat! I just wanna know your name. (audibly cracks his knuckles)
NC: (grinning) How did his career never take off?
CS: I hear that if he stayed at Disney long enough, they would have cast him as Black Panther.
(Cut to another highway shot as Zeke's voice is heard)
Zeke: Oh, boy. I need to solve this crime to keep my job.
(Now, we're shown the highway shot from the more recent movie again)
NC (vo): Oh, boy! We're reviewing a movie!
CS (vo): Yup.
(We go back to the cats)
Lloyd: Heathcliff's balls! They're not doing a thing! They're just sitting around and talking every once in a while, going on at poorly dubbed car ride.
Chaplin: We're not getting any closer to finding Tuffy, are we?
Lloyd: If by "getting closer", you mean he's gonna die, then yes!
Chaplin: Wait! I think I know someone who can help.
(A mouse click is heard, as the video call switches to...the animated Lloyd)
Animated Lloyd: Hello. Detective Lloyd here.
Chaplin: Whoopsie! Wrong number. He wouldn't be able to help. (switches the animated Lloyd off)
Lloyd: That was confusing.
(The video call is now showing Tamara's ginger cat, Ike, lying on the table as the sensual music plays)
Ike (voiced by Malcolm): Ohhh, yeah. What's up, baby? It's Tamara's cat, Ike.
Lloyd: Oh, he makes me feel things.
Chaplin: Ike, we're trying to find Tuffy Flakes mascot by following some humans, but they're not doing anything. Should we head down there?
Ike: Oh, baby. That goes against the cat code.
Chaplin: Cat code?
Ike: Oh, baby. How does he not know the cat code?
Lloyd: Being himself is his own cross to bear.
Ike: Wendy, baby. Tell Chaplin the cat code.
(Tamara's second cat, a tabby named Wendy, is shown)
Wendy (voiced by Tamara): Do nothing, and the world will fix itself!
Ike: Just sit back, catch some Z's, and the humans will do everything for you.
Wendy: Yeah, he's absolutely right! I'm Wendy.
Chaplin: Wow! Well, I'm Chaplin.
Wendy: I'm Wendy.
Chaplin: I'm Chaplin!
Wendy: I'm Wendy!
Chaplin: I'm Chaplin.
(The romantic guitar music starts playing as the shots zoom in on Chaplin and Wendy)
Lloyd: (sounding grossed-out) Ugh! I need a break from all this.
Chaplin: Should we partake in the day's 96th nap?
(Lloyd is shown sleeping)
Chaplin: Oh. Well, what do you guys think?
(Ike is also sleeping)
Chaplin: Oh. And they say we cats can't be entertaining. I'm asleep now.
(He goes to sleep on the table as it fades to a commercial break with a usual music)
(We go to commercial again, but with the music sounding more quiet. When we go back, we cut to Judy scolding the released Peter at home)
NC (vo): So Ricci's mother is upset that her husband didn't tell her that he was arrested. I don't know what this has to do with anything either.
Judy: You have never kept anything from me. You told me about that Aunt Jemima thing.
Peter: It was Halloween. I was 13 years old...
CS: Good to know That Darn Cat almost had blackface in it.
(The scientists are shown examining the piece of string found on DC)
NC (vo): Oh, I do hope there's more awkward ADR.
(As DR walks around the yard, Patti and Zeke's voices are heard)
Patti: Thanks for including me in the investigation.
Zeke: Hey, this is not an investigation. This is me and you walkin' around so you can show me your town.
(Cut to...fake human body parts lying on the table in the kitchen)
NC (vo): Thanks for the human sacrifices you brought for our Satanic Kitchen Wednesdays.
CS (vo; sounding bored): I didn't supply those.
(We're back to cats)
Chaplin: Should...we report that?
(Smokey runs to Zeke in the yard. Scared, Zeke jumps above the fence while doing a back flip)
NC (vo): Yeah, right.
NC: He couldn't do a jumping jack without setting himself on fire!
(DC and his girlfriend observe an elderly woman cheerfully speaking on the phone)
CS (vo): Once again, we see goofy people doing goofy things for absolutely no reason.
(Lu the butcher is shown in her shop alone, dancing to music that is replaced here in the video with a royalty free track)
CS (vo): You should see her at 40s Karaoke Night.
(Cut to a clip from A League of Their Own)
Marla Hooch: (singing off-key to Nelson) It had to be you...
(Lu places several steaks on the road, which gets the attention of not only Patti and Zeke, but also of two patrol men, Melvin and Marvin (Tom Wilson and Brian Haley))
NC (vo): She sets out meat for a watchdog security...guy, played by Tom Wilson.
Marvin: Whoever stalking us is probably watching us right now.
CS (vo; sarcastically): Gee, I wonder if it's the butcher from across the street. Puppets!
Marvin: (to Melvin) What in the name of all that is good still left in the world are you doing?
NC: That's a great impression of the people who financed this movie.
(Dusty and Rollo, the gas station owners, are shown trying to humiliate each other. One pours some gas on the ground and sets a wooden raft on wheels. Zeke and Patti go past one station, and Zeke slips on the place and falls on the raft)
NC (vo): Oh, remember those mechanics from earlier? They're trying to sabotage each other's business. Again, completely clueless to what this has to do with anything. But at least at leads to some Oscar-caliber backwards acting.
(Screaming, Zeke rides on the wooden raft (this is sped up) and bumps his head on the gas tank)
CS: And here I thought this film was above a slip-tick.
Malcolm: (offscreen) Hi, guys.
CS: Oh, hey, Malcolm.
(Both do a double take on what they're seeing: Malcolm holding up a skeleton dressed as Princess Peach. They are understandably put off, shocked and disgusted)
NC: (nervously) Whatcha' doing?
Malcolm: Oh, this is just my new hobby: collecting skeletons and dressing them up as video game characters.
NC: Why are you sharing this with us?
Malcolm: Well, I haven't been in the review yet, so I figured I'd share my strange quirk out of nowhere.
NC: Even though it has nothing to do with what we're talking about.
Malcolm: Exactly. Pretty charming, right?
(Back to the cats)
Chaplin: I really feel we should report this.
Lloyd: Cats don't talk, Chaplin.
(And now we're in NC's room again)
CS: Where'd you even get those things?
(Canoe appears in the doorway)
Canoe: Oh. Hey, there.
NC: That makes too much sense.
(He's followed by an annoyed Tamara rocking something covered in blanket...which is, apparently, a baby)
Malcolm: Hey, thanks for letting me borrow these things so I could do my things.
Canoe: Of course. Have you met my baby and the person who made my baby? Had it this afternoon.
CS: What is happening right now?!
Malcolm: You would be cool enough to be that cool!
Tamara: Yeah, okay. I'm starting to sober up and realizing that Canoe's a total jackass. (addresses Malcolm) Do you want to be his next victim?
Malcolm: Would I ever? (Tamara hands him over her baby)
Canoe: Away! (He leaves the room with Malcolm)
Tamara: (calls somebody on the phone) Well, I might as well call home and tell them that I'm coming home early.
Ike: (on the phone) Hey, baby.
Tamara: (smiles) Hey, Ike. I'm coming home early.
Ike: (on the phone) Get your sweet ass over here.
Tamara: (laughs) Oh, you...! (skips away)
NC: (abashed) What the hell were we thinking when we wrote this?
(Melvin and Marvin show up to arrest Patti and Zeke)
CS (vo): Kelso and Ricci are suspected of snooping, and the cops are called on them.
Zeke: I'm a federal agent!
Marvin: If you're an FBI agent, I'm Oprah Winfrey.
Patti: (sarcastically) Oh, I love your show!
CS: (smiling forcibly) That was not improvised.
(Captain Boetticher reprimands Patti and Zeke while they are in cell)
NC (vo): But at least we get this incredible twist I know you've all been waiting for.
Patti: We found the source of...of the bloody twig.
Boetticher: The bloody twig is a stem from a maraschino cherry!
NC: (as Patti) Surely, you have a lead on those donut seeds, though! (A bowl of flakes is shown)
(Patti is punished by her parents, but she is so distraught that she almost immediately decides to leave Edgefield)
CS (vo): He's taken off the case...again, and Ricci is grounded, so she runs away to New York.
NC (vo): Wait. You mean, time is taken to show her building up to her running away to New York?
CS (vo): Nope. It's literally one line and a jump cut.
Patti: (to DC) I don't belong here, anyway.
(Cut to the train station)
Patti: One ticket to New York, please.
NC: Inside Out is DOGSHIT compared to this complexity! (The shot from this movie, showing the depressed Riley entering the bus to leave town, is shown)
(Patti sees Lu sitting on the bench, looking sad)
Patti: Hey. What are you doing here?
Lu: Waiting for a train.
CS: (waves hands) Guess that was a dumb question.
NC: You mean this isn't the airport?
Patti: You're in love?
Lu: I've secretly been in love with him for years...watching him patrol, knowing he'd lay down his life for someone in need. (Patti is shown smiling)
NC: Ricci looks amazed. Someone's giving a damn in this movie.
Lu: I was always told a way to a man's heart was through his stomach, that a nice steak spelled "love".
CS: This sounds like the origin of a Batman villain.
NC: The Butcher! (The fan art of a bulky man in a metal suit is shown with the accompanying caption)
Patti: There's a right way and a wrong way to get to know people.
Lu: Maybe if I were more like you.
CS (vo): My God! Is this scene still going?
(Cut to another clip from A League of Their Own)
Ernie Capadino: See, how it works is, the train moves, not the station.
(Cut to Pa driving to Dusty's gas station)
Pa: I'll just leave you my wallet. It'll make it easier for you to rob me blind.
Dusty: No problem. The car will be ready in 30 minutes.
CS: Quick, cut away before somebody does an Everybody Loves Cheers crossover!
NC: I would totally watch that.
CS: (snickers) So would I!
(Patti sees DC digging through the town garden on her walk back from the train station. DC takes off and Patti chases him. We're then shown Lu tearfully running to Melvin)
NC (vo): She stumbles across another clue from DC, and it looks like she's about to find the kidnapped maid...or maybe this is more important.
Lu: I sent you the meat!
Melvin: Best cuts.
Lu: You noticed.
Melvin: How could I not?
(They kiss passionately)
NC: Aw. It's like out of a romance novel.
(The Photoshopped "cover" is shown)
NC (vo): Bases & Buttheads.
CS: I smell a future porno review. (NC's smile slowly fades into a look of disgust)
(Patti comes across Lizzie and attempts to rescue her, but then somebody shows up, and she turns back to see them, surprised)
NC (vo): Ricci stumbles across the kidnapped maid and gets captured herself.
Patti: Oh, my God. It's you!
CS: (thoughtfully) Hmm. Not quite Troll 2-worthy.
NC: But a little worse than Last Airbender material.
CS: I still think she's worth the Hayden Christensen Award. (The said "award", showing Anakin Skywalker from Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, is shown with the applause sounding as NC and CS clap their hands as well)
(Meanwhile, Zeke decides to re-open the case after he gets a call from Patti's parents asking if he has seen her since she went missing)
CS (vo): Ricci called Kelso before getting caught, though, so he shows up and tries to figure out where they could be.
(Zeke comically runs up to the butcher shop window)
NC (vo): Jesus, can't he even walk normal?
Zeke: I gotta think like a cat. (imitates a cat walking) I'm slinking like a cat. I'm slinking, thinking like a cat.
NC (vo): You know, this character really was too dignified. It's nice to see him go a little silly with this performance.
(Zeke hisses, then tastes the trail which is the ice cream)
CS (vo; as Zeke): Mmmm! That's good anthrax!
Zeke: (searching through trash) Cabbage! Hey! I'm on the trail. I'm on the trail. I'm on the trail.
NC: (poker-faced) I don't think it's a coincidence he went through the garbage to reach the end of this movie.
(Patti is shown tied up and gagged, as the duo of burglars in hockey masks are shown again)
CS (vo): Don't worry. She's just practicing for Black Snake Moan.
Zeke: (bursts in) FBI! Hit the floor and drop the guns!
(The burglars reveal themselves as Pa and Ma)
NC (vo): Kelso saves, and...what a shock...it was old and older.
(Zeke sneezes because of his cat allergy, which allows Ma to resume leading Lizzie out of the hideout)
NC (vo): Kelso sneezes, dropping the gun, as the old couple from evil Up get the drop on them and kidnap the maid again.
Patti: Why did you do this?
Pa: We partied away all our cash in Monte Carlo.
Ma: Plus, we were bored out of our skulls.
CS: Ted Bundy said the same thing.
(Zeke manages to free Patti and DC while Ma and Pa escape with Lizzie in their possession)
NC (vo): We partake in, I guess, a zany car chase that's so poorly edited, people randomly change positions in the car mid-cut.
Pa: You got it, Ma!
(They drive away in a car from Dusty's station, as the screaming Lizzie is shown stuck to the car's back window...then sitting normally in the back seat in next cut. A final chase ensues as Zeke, Patti, and DC attempt to catch the kidnappers)
CS (vo): How the hell would that even happen?!
NC (vo): It's okay. Ricci's incredible investment will keep us sucked in.
Patti: (various scenes) This town has gone totally insane! / That was, like, a 360 twice. In fact, a 720. / Who gave him a gun? / Hang on, DC. / Go faster! / Man, has Pa gone post office or what?
CS: Few people know that she graduated from the Jennifer Lawrence Dark Phoenix School of Not Caring.
Zeke: We're gaining on 'em.
(The car jumps up a hill, as the shot freezes and the title "The Dicks of Hazzard" is shown)
CS (vo; imitating Sheriff Coltrane): Them Duke boys have seen a lot of darn shenanigans in their days, but a darn cat? That's some frisky business.
(The cars drive past a tow truck, making him spiral out of control and hit a hearse near the church. A coffin slides out of it and opens up)
CS: (chuckles nervously) Weirdly dark.
(The chase continues, as vehicles keep crashing into several things and even make cats from a pet show follow them)
NC (vo): Tell me this chase has a fruit cart in it.
CS (vo): No. It refuses to take that low road. A simple flower cart, pumpkins, fertilizer and house pets will do just fine.
(DC jumps out of Patti's hands and out of the car, running along with other felines)
Patti: DC! That darn cat...
NC: ("realizing") Oh, that's why it's called that!
CS: Biggest mystery in the movie!
(Before preparing to leave town, Ma tosses the match out of the car window, igniting the gas and the station, setting everything on fire)
NC (vo): Oh, look, the producer's had enough of this film and decided to blow it to hell.
(Several fireworks are launched, and the cats are shown jumping off roofs)
CS (vo): Even the felines decide to go kamikaze!
(All the cats land on Ma and Pa's car's front window)
CS: (snickers) What are we even supposed to do with that?
(Ma and Pa crash into Melvin and Marvin's place of work, and the "Watchdog Security" sign falls on them after Marvin shoots it, knocking them out)
NC (vo): They crash into the watchdog security place and somehow aren't decapitated by this move, when the feds come in and take them away.
(Mr. and Mrs. Flint reunite with their maid)
Flint: (speaking happily) I hope you're not expecting to be paid for this week.
NC (vo; as Flint): I just want to remind you there is a much better movie with this title.
Boetticher: (to Zeke) And I think your father would be proud of you. (shakes his hand as Patti hugs her parents) W-what's that on your shirt?
Zeke: It's lettuce.
CS: Hmm. That was written.
(Zeke assigns Patti as his partner. They observe DC and his pregnant girlfriend, followed by kittens)
NC (vo): She meets up with Kelso, DC got that cat who wouldn't look him in the eye pregnant, and they end on this freeze-frame.
(Zeke sneezes, and the shot freezes...before the end credits start rolling as Patti and Zeke walk down the street with the cats)
NC (vo): ...Except they don't.
CS (vo): I don't think you know how a freeze-frame works!
NC: Yeah, Karate Kid wouldn't have been as epic if it ended like this.
(Cut to the final scene of The Karate Kid (1984), showing Daniel, who won the tournament, getting carried away by a crowd)
Daniel: Hey! Hey, Mr. Miyagi! We did it! Whoo-hoo! Whoo!
(The shot freezes on Miyagi proudly looking at his student...then cut to a scene from before, showing the limping Daniel and Miyagi walking to a truck)
CS: I don't know, though. How would they have gotten to that car?
(NC gives CS a look. The clips from 1997's That Darn Cat are shown again as both NC and CS give their final thoughts)
NC (vo): And that was the remake of That Darn Cat.
CS (vo): Or, as the financers of the film like to put it...
(The clip from the original is shown, with Iggy reaching for money bills falling down)
Iggy: My money, my money. My money.
NC (vo): Even taking the original out of the equation, this movie feels lazy, unnecessary, and lifeless, even with a crazy-ass chase scene in it.
CS (vo): None of he jokes land, no part of it is unique or interesting, and everyone looks as uncomfortable as the cat does to be there. It only figures the original be my favorite cat movie of all time, because this is easily one of the worst remakes of all time.
NC (vo): The most tragic thing is Bob Spiers, one of the great comedy directors of all time, has his name on this, and that is mind-boggling! What happened behind the scenes? Did Disney botch it up, did he lose his touch, or was it a bit of both? I don't know. But bottom line: Disney, keep your paws far, far away from another remake of this damn shit.
NC: Well, guess that's about it.
CS: Yep. No loose ends or anything.
NC: Wanna get a snack?
(They get up and leave to the kitchen. Suddenly, NC gasps upon seeing...the tied-up Tuffy the Tiger. Next to him are Super Mario Brothers, played by Brad and Doug, in boxing poses)
Mario: All right. Tell me what makes Tuffy Flakes so delicious.
Luigi: (holds Mario back) Mario, don't you think he's had enough?
Mario: Get your hands off me, meatball. Get 'em off! (Luigi does so)
CS: Oh, of course. The Mario Brothers.
NC: How is that an "of course"?
(Malcolm and Canoe appear, exiting the costume room)
Canoe: All right, so let me introduce you to some of my other favorite hobbies I... (notices NC and CS and gasps)
NC: Now that's an "of course".
(The cats are shown again)
Chaplin: Holy smokes! The clues match up! The skeletons, the body parts, the Mario costumes!
Lloyd: Yes. It all kinda-sorta makes sense.
(Back to the kitchen)
Canoe: I see you stumbled on to our Satanic Kitchen Wednesdays.
NC: Hey, hey, we were just saying that as a joke!
CS: That's a thing?!
Luigi: (rolls up sleeves) What do you say, Mario? Think it's unloading time?
Mario: Oh, we're gonna do things that'll make me hate myself in the morning.
Canoe: Yeah, let's make them all churned up inside.
Malcolm: (takes out a gun) Hold it!
Canoe: Malcolm, I thought we were cool.
Malcolm: I can put up with Wednesday night satanic cannibalism.
Malcolm: But kidnapping the Tuffy cereal mascot? (whispers) We got a problem here.
Mario: Tall, green me. Get him!
(Malcolm then shoots Mario and Luigi in the heads...and they instantly disappear, replaced by freeze-frames of them squatting comically and going down as the "game over" music plays. Malcolm goes to NC and CS, holding Canoe at gunpoint)
Canoe: Malcolm! I thought we had something together! Sandwiches, smoking pipes, getting stuck at garage doors!
Malcolm: That was only three times! (NC looks at Malcolm in confusion)
Chaplin: (rolls up) Hooray! The day is saved!
Lloyd: Thanks to the magnitude of help any cat would give.
Tuffy: Thanks so much, fellas. You're gr-r-r-r-- Can you just untie me?
NC: In a minute, Tuffy. First...what are we gonna do with Mr. Canoe here?
Malcolm: Oh, I got some plans.
Malcolm: Yeah. Dark, disturbing, twisted plans.
(After a pause...the three look at the camera, smiling)
CS: And you can find out what they are in Another Cinema Snob Movie.
NC: Want to see what creatively bizarre fate awaits Canoe? Well, go to CinemaSnobMovie.com...
(The footage from Another Cinema Snob Movie plays out)
NC (vo): ...and purchase Another Cinema Snob Movie.
Lloyd: Oh, my God! We've been suckered into a promo!
Chaplin: Oh, good! I love being had!
Malcolm (vo): There's cannibal clowns, conspiracies, goat balls...
CS (vo): Everything you could ever want in a movie.
Lloyd: Oh, no, no, no!
NC: Hey, Cinema Snob. Were those shots of us driving...
NC (vo): ...also from Another Cinema Snob Movie?
CS: Why, yes. Yes, they were.
(As more of the clips from this film play out and NC, CS, and Malcolm persuade the audience to buy the film, we see the cats again)
Chaplin: Wow! I didn't know that! I wanna see it! I wanna see it! I wanna see it! I gotta see it...!
Lloyd: I want no part of this! Get me out of this madness! Get me out, get me out, get me out!
(The shot becomes blurry and it cuts to Lloyd awakening on the floor)
Lloyd: Ah! What a horrible dream with bizarre cameos. At least I know I'm not being used to promote an over-bloated vanity project.
(The poster for Another Cinema Snob Movie is shown, with the clip of Lloyd pictured in a circle above reading "Lloyd Approved")
Lloyd: I hate Mondays.
Channel Awesome tagline - Patti: Oh, my God. It's you!
(The credits roll)