And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Terminator Salvation."
OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
So, the movie starts by showing the title.
And the people were like, "HOORAY!"
And then it says who's in the movie, and then it shows the title again!
And the people were like, "HOORAY--- They told us that two seconds ago."
I think it's good that they remind people what movie they've come to see!
I once thought the "Bratz" movie was a documentary on prostitutes!
Wait. Maybe it was.
So, there's this guy called John Connor.
And he is part of the resistance against the machines!
Because, apparently, machines have taken over the world!
How can machines take over the world when I can't even get my computer to work?!
That's right! I have a computer!
(Chester holds up a cardboard box drawn like a computer. It says "Comput-teh-ma-tur" at the top. He points at two circles labelled "On" and "Off.")
You see, this is the "On" switch, and this is the "Off" switch.
And all I get are e-mails about how to make my penis larger!
I don't NEED my penis any larger!
I just need to be a little shorter.
So, there's another guy who used to be in prison.
But they kill him and turn him into a machine.
I got turned into a machine once!
It bored me.
So, the machine man goes looking for John Connor.
And he's like, "We have to stop these T-800 cyborgs!"
And the people are like, "Why?" "Because some day they'll figure out how to give themselves Austrian accents!" (Gasps)
Austrian is the most evil accent ever!
Right next to Swedish and whatever accent Popeye has.
That just scares me.
So, the machines are zapping and booming and zapping and booming!
But he comes across a soldier called Kyle Reese.
And a little girl named...little girl!
And they come across this really attractive female jet pilot.
And she's like, "Are you a man or a machine?"
And the machine guy is like, "Boobies."
"He's a man all right."
So, the resistance thinks they know how to stop the evil machines.
It turns out they just have to create a gigantic Ctrl-Alt-Delete!
(Holds up computer again)
That's not how I fix my computer, though.
I just piss on it.
So, John Connor has to find Kyle Reese because, apparently, he's his father.
And John Connor is like, "You are my father!"
And Reese is like, "That's not true! That's impossible!"
"You know it to be true!" "No, that's literally impossible. I'd have to time travel to do that."
"You will!" "Really? You mean, I get to sleep with a woman?"
"Yes! It's called Operation Get You Laid." "HOORAY!"
"Unfortunately, you die soon after." "But I get laid, right?" "Oh yeah!" "HOORAY!"
So, Connor, Reese and the machine man go in to stop the evil robotics.
And Connor is like, "What's in here?"
And it's Arnold! Arnold is in this movie!
60 years old my ass! He looks incredible!
He doesn't say anything, almost like he was a computer-generated forgery.
But it's not! It's Arnold!
He must have stopped being the governor of California.
Bench-pressed like a bastard.
Grew his hair long again.
Just to appear for a few seconds in a movie.
That is dedication to your craft!
I showed up for a few seconds in a movie too!
So many people died.
So, Connor and the rest of the team destroy the evil machines...sort of.
Because, in the end, they're like, "The battle is won. But the war rages on."
What war?? You just destroyed their headquarters!
He should've said, "The battle is over. But we're gonna milk this series for all it's worth."
That's how every Terminator movie ends!
You know why the phrase "I'll be back" is so popular? 'Cause it's always back!
But on the whole, I liked this movie.
It's a great film to add to the resume of direct McG.
The only director who sounds like a McDonald's value menu purchase.
I was a McDonald's value menu purchase once!
"Chester A. Burger."
But, unfortunately, it made too many people throw up.
So, they decided to call it White Castle!
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?? Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
Well, at least help me sell my computer! I can do the commercial! "Hi, I'm a box. And I'm a PC."