March 31, 2021
(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, followed by the "TERMONTHNATOR MONTH" title. Then we open on NC sitting in his usual spot, but with his face buried in his hands, as if upset about something. He takes his hands away)
NC: (softly) How are you supposed to know? Men like you made Terminator Genisys. Men like you thought it up. You don't know what it's like to really create something, to create a Terminator or a Terminator 2. All you know how to create is death...
(Cut to Chester A. Bum)
NC: ...and destruction–
Chester: CRITIC! (NC looks up) We need to be a little bit more constructive here, okay?
NC: (nods) Thank you, Chester.
Chester: No prob. (walks off) I'll be living in your kitchen sink until you need another cameo.
NC: (looks back into camera) This is the worst one.
(The title for Terminator Genisys is shown, followed by a clip from Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock)
(Footage from the movie plays)
NC (vo): Released in 2015 and helmed by (The poster for Thor: The Dark World is shown) a gre– (A promo for Game of Thrones is shown) horr– a director, Terminator Genisys is described by (The poster for this movie is shown) Forbes as (The camera zooms in on a review from Mark Hughes of Forbes, which NC reads...) "the best Terminator since Terminator 2: Judgment Day".
(With a sour look on his face, NC glances over toward his right (the left of the screen) to see the posters for Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines and Terminator Salvation, which appear as he turns his head)
NC: (shakes head) I still don't believe you.
NC (vo): This is the most pointless, soulless, desperate re-sequel-boot to ever come out of this franchise. It won over few critics and grossed only 89 million in America against a 155 million production budget. That's not even including advertising. And it's not hard to see why. This film is so complicated in its story, yet so simple with how dumb its characters are, that it's not even memorable as a "so bad it's good" movie, it's just bad! Even the worst Terminator film had some interesting ideas, or at the very least can rely on the charm of Arnold. But all of that is neutered like genitalia from Terminator Salvation. It's the one I hate the most, so let's not waste any time guessing why.
NC: This is why you'll see future YouTube videos titled (A shot of the SkyNet logo is shown in the corner with a message reading...) "SkyNet Was Right!" This is Terminator Genisys.
NC (vo): Bet you never saw a Terminator film open like this: a narration about how the machines (imitating Chester) blewed everything oop.
Kyle Reese (Jai Courtney): (narrating) Before they died, my parents told me stories of how the world once was, before the war with the machines. They remembered a green world.
NC: Hmm, L.A.? (A shot of L.A. is shown in the corner) I'd compromise on a parched brown.
NC (vo): We get an Into the Spider-Verse explosion as we're told the amount of people that died. Let me guess, three billion?
Kyle Reese: ...Three billion people died...
NC: Goddamned Groundhog Day repeats less than this series!
NC (vo): Perchances there a, John Connor in this future?
Kyle Reese: His name is John Connor.
Christian Bale: (Snippet from his infamous rant) Oh! Good for you!
NC (vo): I'll give credit that this Connor, played by Jason Clarke does look the most like Eddie Furlong with kinda similar eyes. But, tell me this guy isn't going to be the villain. I don't even know how yet. It's John Connor, the savior of humanity, and yet the frame I'm like... (zoom in on Connor's face, to emphasize his features) "Evil!" The way they over-exaggerate his scar, the clenched lips, the pointy chin and nose. This is how they cast someone who's gonna foreclose on the Banks' house. (Over a screen cap of Jason Clarke's Wikipedia page, where the first paragraph says he's cast "often as an antagonist".) This actor is even described as always playing the antagonist! Have you ever seen a Hollywood movie, Hollywood movie?
John Connor (Jason Clarke): The machines will fall tonight.
NC (vo): On the night they’re supposed to take down Skynet’s core Kyle Reese, played this time by Jai Courtnay tells John how awesome he is at not being evil.
John Connor: I just want you to know, Kyle. If there was another way, I would’ve taken it.
NC: Oh, and if you’re not laughing your ass off at their recreation of this picture, (shows the original picture of Sarah from the end of the first movie, contrasting starkly with how it’s mocked up in this one) turn in your Terminator fan card.
John Connor: We did not give in! We rose up! On this night, we take back our world!
NC (vo): Today, we celebrate our Independen-Judgement Day! (More of the battle over Skynet plays out) So despite my criticisms, the opening of this film actually isn’t too bad. It’s visually very pleasing to look at, which is welcomed after the last two! I actually dig the redesign of the Terminators, they’re a little bit more scrawny which makes them a little creepier. And the action actually has a fair amount of energy to it. It doesn’t look real, but it looks good.
John Connor: At this hour, we’re willing to sacrifice everything!
NC (vo): They take Skynet, and discover that the first Terminator has been sent back to kill Sarah Connor. (Clips of the original movie play simultaneously to compare) Again, the film does a decent job recreating the look of the first movie almost flawlessly! Who should go back to stop him? Eh, that Boomerang guy could use a break after this clunker.
John Connor: She’s a waitress.
Kyle Reese: What?
John Connor: Oh. (laughs) Never mind…
NC: Again, a nice detail. He wouldn’t know what a waitress is!
NC (vo): But the writing quickly returns to a little off when Reese asks John what he should tell her when she sees him. Tell me if you would remember all of this.
John Connor: (All these lines start to overlap with one another as they play, eventually blending together) Thank you, Sarah for your courage during the dark years…I can’t help you in what you soon must face…There is no fate…The future is…You must be strong…Or I will never be born…
NC: Sheesh! I really should’ve written all that down! Can I condense all that into “Come with me if you want to live”?
Kyle Reese: John! (He promptly flashes back, and starts to see colorful visions of his younger self on a farm…)
NC (vo): He’s intercepted by foreshadowing though, as he sees an alternate childhood where he has a normal life.
(Young Kyle opens his present, revealing the name "Genysis")
Young Kyle (Bryant Prince): No way!
NC: A world where Genesis is still given as a gift? Now I know I'm in an alternate timeline.
Young Kyle: (Speaking into the mirror, as if addressing his future self) Remember, Genisys is Skynet. (Cut to a shot of the countdown clock) When the clock hits zero, Judgement Day beings.
NC: Man, those Sega ads would've been easier to combat if Nintendo had that information!
(Cut to the classic Sega Genesis commercial)
Choir: (Singing tagline) Genesis does...
Announcer: What Nintendon't!
NC (vo): (Flashes Nintendo logo onscreen, to indicate their perspective) Well, Nintendon't (Cut to clips of Judgement Day from earlier) destroy the world buying Skynet! (Shows a picture of a couple in bed, their faces covered with the Skynet and Sega Genesis logos) Sleeping buddies! (As Kyle lands out of the time bubble) He’s taken back to 1984, again still impressively recreating the details of the first flick, but…
(The initial confrontation between the Terminator and the punks is interrupted by a hooded figure in the distance. He promptly reveals himself to be an elder version of the T-800, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger.)
NC: (nodding) Oh! I think I found the moment when everything goes downhill!
NC (vo): The original Arnold is confronted by old Arnold… (Accompanied by a picture and a caption…) “Oldnald”, as nobody says. And he gets in a fight with him.
[NOTE: The older T-800 model is referred to as “Pops” in the film. As such, this is how he’ll be identified for the remainder of this transcript.]
(In this confrontation, the original T-800 already has part of his face ripped off to reveal the metal skull underneath. After one significant shot to the chest, he shuts down.)
NC: (As original Terminator) But there were so many hands to talk to!
(Pops gives a thumbs up to someone looking through crosshairs, accentuated by the five-note theme)
NC (vo): (As Pops) You’re right. I did have an enormous Von Strucker. (Back to Kyle Reese) Like before, Reese is chased by cops. But one of them isn’t as solid as he lets on.
(The patrolman, played Lee Byung-hun seems to have metal blades for hands. After Kyle shoots him and runs away, he slides back up with metallic bullet holes in his chest. Being able to summon bits of liquid metal back to his form confirms that this is, in fact a T-1000.)
NC (vo): (As T-1000) Huh. I’d probably get more done if I turned off fake-out mode.
Cop: “LAPD! Freeze!”
NC (vo): He sneaks into the department store leading into a pretty cool mirror effect, as the T-ish-1000 tries killing the cops arresting him.
Cop: Gotta be an alien. From outer space.
Kyle Reese: It’s a machine. It kills humans. Uncuff me!
Cop: No! You’re under arrest!
NC: (As Cop) My mom says when you’re under arrest, you’re it! No take-backsies!
(An armored car busts right into the department store)
NC (vo): Thank god it’s Biff Tannen telling him about Sports Almanac!
Sarah Connor (Emilia Clarke): (Reveals herself by opening the car door) Come with me if you want to live!
NC: Or a really lame callback…
When John Connor is first introduced: Oh, good for you!
When John, Sarah, and Terminator are arrested to the tune of “Bad Boys (Whatcha Gonna Do)”: Seriously man, you and me, we’re fucking done, professionally.
NC: (as Pops) You should see my baby pictures.
Arnold Baby: MAMA!!
This transcript is incomplete. Please finish.