March 31, 2021
(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, followed by the "TERMONTHNATOR MONTH" title. Then we open on NC sitting in his usual spot, but with his face buried in his hands, as if upset about something. He takes his hands away)
NC: (softly) How are you supposed to know? Men like you made Terminator Genisys. Men like you thought it up. You don't know what it's like to really create something, to create a Terminator or a Terminator 2. All you know how to create is death...
(Cut to Chester A. Bum)
NC: ...and destruction–
Chester: CRITIC! (NC looks up) We need to be a little bit more constructive here, okay?
NC: (nods) Thank you, Chester.
Chester: No prob. (walks off) I'll be living in your kitchen sink until you need another cameo.
NC: (looks back into camera) This is the worst one.
(The title for Terminator Genisys is shown, followed by a clip from Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock)
(Footage from the movie plays)
NC (vo): Released in 2015 and helmed by (The poster for Thor: The Dark World is shown) a gre– (A promo for Game of Thrones is shown) horr– a director, Terminator Genisys is described by (The poster for this movie is shown) Forbes as (The camera zooms in on a review from Mark Hughes of Forbes, which NC reads...) "the best Terminator since Terminator 2: Judgment Day".
(With a sour look on his face, NC glances over toward his right (the left of the screen) to see the posters for Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines and Terminator Salvation, which appear as he turns his head)
NC: (shakes head) I still don't believe you.
NC (vo): This is the most pointless, soulless, desperate re-sequel-boot to ever come out of this franchise. It won over few critics and grossed only 89 million in America against a 155 million production budget. That's not even including advertising. And it's not hard to see why. This film is so complicated in its story, yet so simple with how dumb its characters are, that it's not even memorable as a "so bad it's good" movie, it's just bad! Even the worst Terminator film had some interesting ideas, or at the very least can rely on the charm of Arnold. But all of that is neutered like genitalia from Terminator Salvation. It's the one I hate the most, so let's not waste any time guessing why.
NC: This is why you'll see future YouTube videos titled (A shot of the SkyNet logo is shown in the corner with a message reading...) "SkyNet Was Right!" This is Terminator Genisys.
NC (vo): Bet you never saw a Terminator film open like this: a narration about how the machines (imitating Chester) blewed everything oop.
Kyle Reese (Jai Courtney): (narrating) Before they died, my parents told me stories of how the world once was, before the war with the machines. They remembered a green world.
NC: Hmm, L.A.? (A shot of L.A. is shown in the corner) I'd compromise on a parched brown.
NC (vo): We get an Into the Spider-Verse explosion as we're told the amount of people that died. Let me guess, three billion?
Kyle Reese: ...Three billion people died...
NC: Goddamned Groundhog Day repeats less than this series!
NC (vo): Perchances there a, John Connor in this future?
Kyle Reese: His name is John Connor.
Christian Bale: (Snippet from his infamous rant) Oh! Good for you!
NC (vo): I'll give credit that this Connor, played by Jason Clarke does look the most like Eddie Furlong with kinda similar eyes. But, tell me this guy isn't going to be the villain. I don't even know how yet. It's John Connor, the savior of humanity, and yet the frame I'm like... (zoom in on Connor's face, to emphasize his features) "Evil!" The way they over-exaggerate his scar, the clenched lips, the pointy chin and nose. This is how they cast someone who's gonna foreclose on the Banks' house. (Over a screen cap of Jason Clarke's Wikipedia page, where the first paragraph says he's cast "often as an antagonist".) This actor is even described as always playing the antagonist! Have you ever seen a Hollywood movie, Hollywood movie?
NC (vo): He's interrupted by foreshadowing though, as he sees an alternate reality where he had a normal childhood.
(Young Kyle opens his present, revealing the name "Genysis")
Young Kyle: No way!
NC: A world where Genesis is still given as a gift? Now I know I'm in an alternate timeline.
Young Kyle: (Speaking into the mirror, as if addressing his future self) Remember, Genisys is Skynet. (Cut to a shot of the countdown clock) When the clock hits zero, Judgement Day beings.
NC: Man, those Sega ads would've been easier to combat if Nintendo had that information!
(Cut to the classic Sega Genesis commercial)
Choir: (Singing tagline) Genesis does...
Announcer: What Nintendon't!
NC (vo): (Flashes Nintendo logo onscreen, to indicate their perspective) Well, Nintendon't (Cut to clips of Judgement Day from earlier) destroy the world buying Skynet! (Shows a picture of a couple in bed, their faces covered with the Skynet and Sega Genesis logos) Sleeping buddies!