Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
March 17, 2021
(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, followed by the "TERMONTHNATOR MONTH" title)
(Cut to shots of the following...)
NC (vo): ...James Cameron, Eddie Furlong, Linda Hamilton, and Arnold Schwarzenegger in the third cinematic installment of the Terminator franchise...
NC: Terminator 3! ...D...
(To a "wah-wah" sound, the entrance to Terminator 2: 3-D: Battle Across Time at Universal Studios Florida is shown)
NC (vo): ...at Universal Studios Florida.
NC: Oh, and (gestures toward the poster for Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines off to the side) some dumbasses made this.
(The title for Terminator 3 is shown, followed by footage of the movie)
NC (vo): Okay, before I'm too hard on this movie, I can't say this is the worst of the Terminator films. Honestly, it has quite a few things I like in it. But it's the first one that made you conscious of "Oh, yeah, this is just another franchise." It'd be like making a subpar sequel to (Posters for the following are superimposed...) Spirited Away or Shawshank Redemption; it sucks out that unique special feeling and reminds you this can be watered down like anything else.
NC: With that said, the film does have some interesting things about it.
NC (vo): One is, it came out the same year Arnold (A shot of Arnold Schwarzenegger taking the Oath of Office as Governor of California) was elected Governor in 2003, which means he's the first politician to be elected and have the number-one movie. Two, it's the first Terminator film to be released by...
(Cut to a shot of the logo for...)
NC (vo): ...Warner Bros. Actually, the rights have been passed...
(Cut back to T3)
NC (vo): ...to more studios than...
(A collage is shown of logos of media properties that have changed owners several times: Terminator, Power Rangers, Hanna-Barbera, Star Wars, Spider-Man, Rocky & Bullwinkle)
NC (vo): Huh, I guess anything now. And three, it's the first Terminator film not to be written and directed by James Cameron. And boy, does it show! If Terminator 2 was the Dark Knight of the Batman movies, this is certainly the Batman Forever of the franchise. Not the worst, but certainly lighter and nowhere near as epic. With that said, though, is there anything worth remembering fondly in this movie? Or is it only the start of Judgment Day for this franchise?
NC: Well, let's talk to the hand to find out. This is Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines.
(The opening credits for the first two movies are shown)
NC (vo): So remember the epic credits to the other two films going from simple but memorable to iconic and haunting?
(The opening credits for Terminator 3 are shown)
NC (vo): Well, now, it's just...credits: black background; play them while the movie acts out. They're about as memorable as...well, that's weird, I don't remember.
(The movie truly opens on a race of Terminators attacking)
NC (vo): Even the apocalyptic future is kind of lame now. I remember skulls and fire and a blue laser-filled wasteland of death! Now it looks like an app you use to blow up pictures on your phone.
(NC is seen playing on his phone)
NC: (dopey voice) Hey, remember when I took that city picture from the plane?
(He pushes a button, and we cut to a clip of Terminator 3, showing an atomic missile being fired at a city, blowing it up in a mushroom cloud)
NC (vo): Oh, my God, it blew up!
NC: It blew up! Now I'm gonna use it to blow up my ex-girlfriend!
(He pushes another button on his phone, and we cut to another clip of the movie, showing a girl in this movie also blowing up)
NC (vo): Oh, my God, she blew up! She really blew up!
NC: It's real.
NC: But on the plus side, you get to keep the residuals for this.
(A shot of Disney's Around the World in 80 Days with Jackie Chan poster is shown in the corner; as we go to commercial break.)