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in: Cinema Snob transcripts

Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles

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Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles

Cs10imnt

Release Date
June 1, 2016
Running Time
12:51
Previous Review
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Tagline
The Cinema Snob looks at this rather different take on the Ninja Turtles.
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The following transcript is NSFW due to descriptions of explicit sexual content.

The Cinema Snob: For those keeping track, there's now at least four E.T. pornos, two Sasquatch porns, at least four talking vagina movies, and now, thanks to the gods of variety, there's two Ninja Turtles pornos!

Title card zooms out for...

Snob (VO): In case you don't remember, in 2011, I spotlighted that Argentinian Ninja Turtles porno, Las Tortugas Pinjas.

Snob: And here's the only thing I remember about that movie.

Cut to a squeezed, subtitled clip of the film

Turtles: KONCHADUNGA!

Snob: I don't know what that means, but I know it's very naughty! (Gets out the DVD case) Also, I noticed a little something else. (Opens it to reveal that it's empty) The DVD is missing! (Scoffs) Someone who bought a DVD player at a pawn shop is gonna get a big surprise when they turn that on!

Still shots of Las Tortugas Pinjas

Snob (VO): These Ninja Turtles look like the Michael Bay Turtles before they added the motion capture effects, (Clip of Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles that shows the performers in more elaborate costumes) but in Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles, we're going old-school! Not that it matters; I don't wanna see these things fuck! And they look a little bit taller than ten inches.

Snob: Oh, uh, wait... "ten inches" is referring to their dicks. John Holmes still has them beat.

The Wood Rocket logo plays

Snob (VO): TIMNT comes to us from Girl Fucks a Rocket Productions. (Freeze-frame) "Wood Rocket?" Highly unlikely. That's just gonna burn up on re-entry and the girl will die! (Cut to the film) In case you were worried that this wouldn't have a backstory, just masturbate; you won't give a shit after that.

An animated prologue plays

Master Sphincter (Seth's Beard) (VO): It was many moons ago. Eighteen years' worth; that's a lot of fucking moons.

Snob: I don't think that's very appropriate language to be using in a kids movie! Use the word "days," not "moons!" Keep it simple, people!

As a green outline of a penis is drawn onto a turtle

Snob (VO): The backstory continues!

Sphincter: (As it pans down to reveal the turtles) There were four regular turtles, but then a horny dude that worked at the nuclear power plant jerked off into a storm drain. (Cut to a drawing of semen falling onto a turtle) His radioactive sperm fell into the sewer and onto the turtles.

Snob: Hmmmph. I'd buy this more than I do "I happened to find a ninjitsu book laying around in a sewer. What are the odds?"

Snob (VO): I already have a feeling that when it does show Master Splinter, it's gonna look horrifying!

Cut to... just that

Sphincter: I am their sensei. I... am Master Sphincter. I am a furry.

Snob: (Flinches) The fuck is that? So... (Rubs his head for a little bit) Master Sphincter isn't a real rat? He's a furry? Well, great! Now I can't make any jokes about it without getting my inbox flooded with essays saying that that joke went too far, bro!

The opening titles play

Snob (VO): This parody one-ups the movies in the sense that it stars the REAL April O'Neil? I sure hope that's her Christian name! (The title zooms up) Thankfully, this has a proper porno spoof title, and doesn't feel the need to-- (It's ruined by "The XXX Parody" showing up) Oh, come on, really?! Yes, thank you for clarifying it's a XXX parody! (As we pan across the turtles, we see the title "PRODUCED BY SETH'S BEARD AND APRIL O'NEIL") I thought the ten inches was in reference to their pizza slices! (Cut to the Turtles in their sewer lair) Appropriate costumes, (On the TV, April gives a newscast) appropriate-looking April O'Neil, why don't the new movies look like this?

April: (Just after the TV is turned on) Have you heard about the secret gang of ninjas committing crimes across the city? No. Of course you haven't heard. They're ninjas. They're really quiet.

Snob: That's because the real news is letting us know which orphaned puppy Trump kicked and then called a loser!

April: In more news, Trump. Trump. Trump. Trump.

Snob: There! That's more like it!

Snob (VO): April gives us details on the Foot Job Clan.

Snob: It's kinda like the regular Foot Clan, except they have athlete's foot on their tongue!

Back to the lair

Snob (VO): The hell kind of stupid names are they gonna give the Turtles?

Raphallus (Seth's Beard): Okay, Michelangeblow! Do you want it with pepperoni?
Michelangeblow (Chad Alva): I've already got a pepperoni! It's long, and green, and it's in my pants!

Snob: That's not a name, you just added the word "blow" to the name "Michelangelo!" Does he like deep-throating Renaissance art?!

Snob (VO): And I don't like that this movie is making references before I do!

Raphallus: But we don't wear pants!
Michelangeblow: We don't?
Leohardo (AJ): Nope! We go more commando than Arnold Schwarzenegger!

Snob: Well, it wouldn't be a parody of a children's series without a reference to the 1985 Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Commando. Could've been worse; he could've said "I've got such ten inches of throbbing that my dick should be renamed Conan the Destroyer!"

Snob (VO): Oh, is the news still on?

April: Thank you for tuning in to Channel 69 News. This is April O'Neil, signing, and getting, off.

Snob: Considering how you're not actually getting off, it's weird that you would add that to the end of your very serious news report!

Snob (VO): Nothing like watching a porn with a bunch of turtles talking about porn!

Dongatello (Zero): Porn parodies are great!
Raphallus: But you know which porn is the best porn?

Snob: Uh, not ones with people dressed in slightly authentic Turtles costumes!

Beat, then...

Turtles: Pizza guy porn!
Michelangeblow: It's weird, though.

Snob: That's a very specific fetish you have there! You like fucking on top of melted cheese? It'll burn the skin off your ass!

Snob (VO): I've got nothing to say about the plot, except I now know that Leonardo's name is "Leohardo." I suppose that's better than calling him "This Ain't Leonardo: A XXX Character Parody!" (Cut to April on the news...) This must not have been a live report, (...and in the sewer) because April is back at the Turtles' lair in a hot second, and so is Shredder!

Spreader (Vuko) arrives

Spreader: Why don't you guys just fuck already and get it over with? (Everyone is shocked, and there are multiple different cuts, with a whooshing sound each time; in the last shot, Spreader checks her watch)

Snob: You're wasting a lot of time before I learn what stupid porn name they gave Shredder!

Leohardo: Going solo, Spreader?

Snob: Mmmmm. Spreader! It's because your kink is spreading peanut butter on random pieces of toast!

Snob (VO): But we do learn something else about the Turtles, other than their dick size!

Spreader: You've already been cut, (Points at Raphallus' nether regions) down there?
Leohardo: Yep, by our teenage mutant ninja rabbi.
Spreader: Bummer.

Snob: They're Jewish now? The message boards will be on fire because of this retcon. Everyone knows that the Turtles are alien Protestants!

A poorly choreographed fight with Spreader begins, with a censor box shown over Raphallus in one shot

Snob (VO): Could've used much better fight choreography!

April: Wow! This is the most amazing fight scene I've ever seen! I feel so bad for anyone who isn't getting to see this amazing mutant-on-ninja action that I'm seeing right now! (Shoots a glance at the viewer)

Snob: Thanks for looking at the camera. I wouldn't have known the metaness of that joke otherwise. And you know what they say: in case you can't choreograph a fight scene, just show someone else watching the fight scene, and then telling us about it! As if that joke hasn't been done a million times before!

Commercial break

Cut to Casey Bones (Chad Alva)

Snob (VO): Oh hey, it's Casey Bones! I'm guessing his name is Casey Bones.

Casey: Is this where we sign up for fight club?
April: Casey Bones!

Snob: Yep. It's Casey Bones. (Crosses his arms) Predictable movie. Humph! Just go back to the Turtles!

April: I think they can handle it themselves.
Leohardo (VO): This is a really difficult fight!
Spreader (VO): Ow!
Michelangeblow (VO): She almost just cut off my dick!

Snob (VO): (As Casey puts down his bag and approaches April) Why am I stuck here with these two when there's near-Turtle castration going on in the other room? (Cut back to the Turtles) Give me what I paid for, movie! Turtle-on-Turtle action! (Back to Casey and April, with him taking her jumpsuit off) At least this Casey Jones looks like he lives on the streets, (Still shot of Stephen Amell as Casey Jones in Out of the Shadows) unlike Arrow, who looks like he just got back from a sweaty GQ shoot! (Still shot of Casey Bones) He looks like any minute now, he's gonna make her sing "Jingle Bells!"

Clip from Rape Squad

Jingle Bells: A little music would be appropriate... so why don't you sing me... some "Jingle Bells?"

Back to April and Casey

Snob (VO): For the love of God, I just wanna see the fight scene, not hear it!

As the Turtles continue to fight Spreader off-screen, April goes down on Casey

Snob: It sounds like his balls are fighting each other to see which one goes in her mouth first! Spoiler alert: it's neither of them! It's his dick!

A montage of censored stills of April and Casey having sex begins

Snob (VO): By the way, I'm not joking; this is the rest of the movie. We see no fighting with Spreader, not even any Spreader-fucking, the Foot Job Clan makes ZERO appearances, no scene of Sphincter fucking a block of cheese, not even a scene of the Turtles fucking! It's just April O'Neil fucking Casey Bones!

Snob: It'd be like if E.T. The Porno was afraid to be E.T. The Porno and didn't actually have any E.T. porno in it! Trust me, if someone is buying a movie called Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles, they probably won't give a shit if you actually show the Turtles fucking in it! Instead, all it is is just one long vanilla sex scene, bookended with the Ninja Turtles!

The Turtles are back

Michelangeblow: Hey Casey, thanks for the help, (Cut to a naked April and Casey with only his shirt and gloves on) dude!
Casey: I was busy!
Dongatello: Yeah, busy plowing April while we fought the Spreader!

Snob: Yeah, kinda wish you showed me that fight! Would've been more interesting than the sex; or your goddamn puns!

Michelangeblow: You're about to taste our turtle wax!

Snob: Euh. (Rubs his head) You're gonna give oral pleasure to the hood of your car?!

Dongatello: We're gonna show you the secret of the Ooze!

Snob: (Points at the screen) Oh hey, that was the second movie!

Raphallus: The secret of the splooge!

Snob: You already made a sex joke about Secret of the Ooze; move on to something else, like coming out of their shells!

Leohardo: We're coming out of our shells! (A guitar chord plays)

Snob: (Growls) This movie knows nothing of these turtles' anatomy! It doesn't show them coming out of their shells, it shows them coming out of their dicks! F for anatomy, and for lines like this!

Raphallus: Cumabunga, dude! (Leohardo nods his head at it)

Snob: That is no "konchadunga."

Another still-frame montage, this time of what looks like a bukkake scene between April and the Turtles, ending with a cum shot

Snob (VO): This is the most turtle sex we see: the Turtles getting the softest handjob of a fake dick ever put on screen! And yes, it's green. (The title replays) And thank you for reminding me of the title again; I didn't know that this porn I watched was a fucking porn.

Snob: I'm afraid I gotta go old-school on this one. Case in point, the theme song. Because while this newer film may have a more appropriate theme...

The closing credits play out, with the theme song by D-Squared

Snob: ...it's hard to match the catchiness of the Argentina version.

Cut to the opening titles of Las Tortugas Pinjas

Snob: Hmmm, I can't wait to forget about either theme songs in the upcoming days. Why in the FUCK am I being forced to do an Old vs. New on a Turtles porn?!

More credits, this time for the Turtles and their portrayers

Snob (VO): But now I know that the other two Turtles were Dongatello and... Raphallus?

Snob: Why don't they just name him "Donatello, but with fucking?" Oh, right, it's because they don't actually FUCK anyone in this!

A clip from early in the film

Snob (VO): The movie is so simple its plot can be summed up in one sentence on IMDb! (Cut to the film's IMDb page) "April and Casey go at it, and the Ninja Turtles blow their green load on April O'Neil!"

Snob: Hmmm. Yep! That's the whole movie, in a nutshell! (Beat)

More clips play out, this time of early in the Spreader "fight"

Snob (VO): Clearly, this movie was all just a setup for a much bigger, more ambitious story in the second chapter, or it's just so fucking lazy I'm surprised they could even get it up to ten inches when the script is fucking flaccid! (More in the credits) I expect more from director Lee Roy Myers, (A partial list of credits on IMDb is shown) director of a ton of Something Something: A XXX Parody, (DVD cover for...) and A Wet Dream on Elm Street! (More credits) Maybe in the future, Seth should produce it instead of letting his limp-dick beard do all the work!

Snob: I think it's safe to say that this movie COMPLETELY ruined my childhood! It's bringing back memories of being a youngster Cinema Snob and getting swirlied for being WAY too smart for the Ninja Turtles! Those boys were just jealous of my Jodorowsky collection, and I certainly showed THEM! (Laughs) Oh, yes I did! I'm a 34-year-old man who gets paid to watch turtles getting a handjob for a living! (Laughs some more before flinching in disgust)

Michelangeblow: I bet there's a dumpster behind every studio in Porn Valley filled with cum and uneaten pizza.

End of video

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