Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
Aired	April 1st, 2015
Running Time	35:11
Previous Review	Daredevil
Next Review	TBA
Link	http://channelawesome.com/nostalgia-critic-avgn-tmnt-2014/

(We open today's episode with the theme sounding like the opening to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987)

Thirty Something Nerdy Critics (x3)

Bitching over nothing. Geeky power.

They're the world's most sheltered whiny geeks.

NC: We're really white.

They're zeroes in a nutshell and they're freaks

Nerd: Hey, go fuck your mother.

When the evil Bay attacks, these boys'll show he's a motherfucking hack.

Thirty Something Nerdy Critics (x2)

TV taught them about the turtle teens.

Nerd: We wasted our lives to this thing.

Nerd reviews bad games, Critic reviews bad movies.

NC: Space Jam still fucking sucks.

And that's really all that there is, what you're hearing now are filler lyrics.

NC: Catchphrase!

Thirty Something Nerdy Critics (x3)

Bitching over nothing. Nerdy power.

(We come to a title card styled like the show)

"Episode Related Pun." Written by: Overly Obsessed Fanboys

(We come to a zoom-in of Chicago before transitioning to NC's living room)

Nerd: Master, we got your word about the impending danger.

NC: Yeah something about a great evil coming?

(Their master being Santa Christ (Rob Walker))

Santa Christ: I sense a terrible force that is consuming our youth and threatening to destroy the Ninja Turtles franchise.

NC: *gasp* That is so not radical.

SC: I sense Megan Fox as April. (Picture of Megan Fox as April O'Neil on the corner)

Both: *gasp

SC: Dick ugly CGI roadkill. (Picture of Michelangelo on the corner)

Both: *Gasp*

Santa Christ: And all of it being produced by Michael Bay! (Picture of Michael Bay in the corner)

Both: *GASP!*

NC: Isn't that the man so insecure about his masculinity that he gave Transformers testicles?

SC: The same.

Nerd: Master, what do we do to stop this bullshit?

SC: First you must review the movie!

NC: Well duh.

Nerd: That's kind of a given.

Santa Christ: Second, you must find the Heart of the Ninja Turtles and remind the world of it.

NC: Heart of the Ninja Turtles?

Nerd: Where do we begin?

SC: Start with the basics. Try rescuing April O'Neil.

NC: What, but--she's been kidnapped?

SC: Do you see her right in front of you?

Both: No

SC: Then she's been kidnapped. Go my sons! Find the heart of the franchise and rip this turtle turd a new one!

(The two look to each other and nod before heading out)

Nerd: Um, is it just me or does the city seem a little more, um...animated?

(The city looks like a scene out of the TMNT cartoon)

NC: I just assume you see everything as a cartoon. Now come on, start the review while we save April.

(And they head out)

Nerd (vo): The film starts with their origin story, which I think is paying homage to the novel, but it's kinda pointless, seeing how they're just gonna explain it again a few scenes later.

Splinter: You are extraordinary, my sons. But your training is not yet complete.

(One of the scenes in the opening shows a nunchuk smashing a VHS tape)

Nerd (vo): Huh. I hope that VHS tape was Ninja Turtles 3. (We get a clip from Nerd's review of it where he slices it in half with a katana)

Splinter: You are going to be responsible for amazing things.

NC (vo): But they abandon the world inspired by an overly violent perv like Frank Miller, to an overly violent perv like Michael Bay. And at the center is Megan Fox.

April: Wait, you said de-animating agents. Those are used in researching genetics

NC (vo): (as April) Look I'm wearing yellow, so I'm April now. (Normal voice) Now to Fox's credit she's really not...that bad

Nerd (vo): (A clip of April tied up in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Arcade Game is shown) Yeah, April is known for always being saved, (A clip of April delivering the final kick to Shredder is shown) but in this film, it only really happens once at the end, and even then she still manages to give the final blow. That pretty much never happens.

NC (vo): Still, it doesn't help that the character's likeable energy and perkiness takes a backseat to being dull as a pet rock.

April: Hi guys, this is April O'Neil with Channel 6 news and I'm here in beautiful New York City on the first day of Spring, and you know what that means.

Nerd (vo): Yeah, even as the light news stories go, would you really watch her? She looks disinterested as kids doing a homework assignment.

(The guys are walking through the cartoon city streets)

NC: Maybe she just needs a different outfit. Like the "giant cleavage wrapped in banana peel" look.

Nerd: Oooh, you saw Michael Bay's notes.

(Nerd hands NC a paper which has a drawing of April with huge boobs titled "MAKE LIKE THIS!!!" The arrows pointing to her have the words "Boobs," "Big boobs," "Titahs," and "Wow" on it.)

NC: Why do you have this?

Nerd: (Taking the paper back and putting it in his shirt pocket) No reason.

NC (vo): Though give Michael Bay's thirteen year old brain credit, he did somehow find a way to get her on a trampoline.

Trainer: I want you to visualize a sexy seagull. Picture you're leaving the cold north and you're flying.

NC (vo): I can picture him now saying, "No, no, it's supposed to be shot in slo-mo and extreme close-up. (The scene is slowed down and zoomed in on April) God, it's like this director sees women as people or something."

Informant: Call my guy, Stan. He'll tell you anything you need to know, okay?

NC (vo): She gets a tip from Chef (Gordon) Ramsay that something shady's going down that night at the docks, and she snoops in to see what it is.

(Masked men are waving flashlights around, which are mounted to their guns)

Nerd (vo): Yeah, wave those guns with lights around. Nobody will notice the secretive Foot Clan.

NC (vo): Of course they're stopped by our unseen heroes as April notices that they left a calling card.

Nerd (vo): Because ninja leave no trace.

April: I'm freaking out! I just saw a Foot Clan attack.

NC (vo): Oh hi, roommate who literally has no purpose in this at all. Admit it, you forgot she was even in this film, didn't you?

April: I was riding my bike by the docks. It was night, it was dark already and there are Foot Clan soldiers everywhere. Then out of nowhere, there was this guy fighting back.

Nerd (vo): Then from out of dark came an awesome sound. Shouted "cowabunga" as they hit the ground! From the field of weeds THE HEROES RESCUED THE FLOWER, 'CAUSE THEY POSSESSED TURTLE POWER!!!

NC: Nerd, Nerd. It's in the past. Let it go.

(The two continue on their walk)

Nerd: T-U-R-T-L-E.

NC: Power.

Nerd: T-U-R-T-L-E.

NC: Power.

Bernadette Thompson: We need a lead for tonight. Who's got 'em?