Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
Aired	April 1st, 2015
Running Time	35:11
Previous Review	Daredevil
Next Review	Demolition Man
Link	http://channelawesome.com/nostalgia-critic-avgn-tmnt-2014/

(We open today's episode with the theme sounding like the opening to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987))

Thirty Something Nerdy Critics (x3)

Bitching over nothing. Geeky power.

They're the world's most sheltered whiny geeks.

NC: We're really white.

They're zeroes in a nutshell and they're freaks

Nerd: Hey, go fuck your mother!

When the evil Bay attacks, these boys'll show he's a motherfucking hack.

Thirty Something Nerdy Critics (x2)

TV taught them 'bout the turtle teens.

Nerd: We wasted our lives to this thing.

Nerd reviews bad games, Critic reviews bad movies.

NC: Space Jam still fuckin' sucks!

And that's really all that there is, what you're hearing now are filler lyrics.

NC: CATCHPHRASE!!

Thirty Something Nerdy Critics (x3)

Bitching over nothing. Nerdy power.

(We come to a title card styled like the show)

"Episode Related Pun." Written by: Overly Obsessed Fanboys

(We come to a zoom-in of Chicago before transitioning to NC's living room)

Nerd: Master, we got your message about the impending danger.

NC: Yeah, something about a great evil coming?

(Their master being Santa Christ (Rob Walker))

Santa Christ: I sense a terrible force that is consuming our youth and threatening to destroy the Ninja Turtles franchise.

NC: *gasp* That is NOT radical!

SC: I sense Megan Fox as April! (Picture of Megan Fox as April O'Neil on the corner)

Both: *gasp*

SC: Dick ugly CGI roadkill! (Picture of Michelangelo on the corner)

Both: *Gasp*

Santa Christ: And all of it being produced by Michael Bay! (Picture of Michael Bay in the corner)

Both: *GASP!*

NC: Isn't that the man so insecure about his masculinity, he gave Transformers testicles?

SC: The same.

Nerd: Master, what do we do to stop this bullshit?

SC: First, you must review the movie!

NC: Well, duh.

Nerd: That's kind of a given.

Santa Christ: Second, you must find the Heart of the Ninja Turtles and remind the world of it!

NC: The Heart of the Ninja Turtles..?

Nerd: Where do we begin?

SC: Start with the basics;Try rescuing April O'Neil.

NC: What, but--she's been kidnapped?

SC: Do you see her right in front of you?

Both: No.

SC: Then she's been kidnapped. Go, my sons! Find the heart of the franchise and rip this turtle turd a new one!

(The two look to each other and nod before heading out)

Nerd: Um, is it just me or does the city seem a little more, uh...animated?

(The city looks like a scene out of the TMNT cartoon)

NC: I just assume you see everything as a cartoon. Now come on, start the review while we save April.

(And they head out)

Nerd (vo): The film starts with their origin story, which I think is paying homage to the graphic novel, but it's kinda pointless, seeing how they're just gonna explain it again a few scenes later.

Splinter: You are extraordinary, my sons. But your training is not yet complete.

(One of the scenes in the opening shows a nunchuk smashing a VHS tape)

Nerd (vo): Huh. I hope that VHS tape was Ninja Turtles 3. (We get a clip from Nerd's review of it where he slices it in half with a katana)

Splinter: You are going to be responsible for amazing things.

NC (vo): But they abandon the world inspired by an overly violent perv like Frank Miller, to a different world inspired by an overly violent perv like Michael Bay. And at the center is Megan Fox.

April O'Neil: Wait, you said de-animating agents. Those are used in genetic research

NC (vo): (as Fox) Look I'm wearing yellow, so I'm April now. (Normal voice) Now to Fox's credit she's really not...that bad.

Nerd (vo): (A clip of April tied up in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Arcade Game is shown) Yeah, April is known for always being saved, (A clip of April delivering the final kick to Shredder is shown) but in this film, it really only happens once at the end. And even then, she still manages to give the finishing blow. That pretty much never happens.

NC (vo): Still, it doesn't help that the character's likeable energy and perkiness takes a backseat to being dull as a pet rock.

April: Hi guys, this is April O'Neil from Channel 6 News and I'm here in beautiful New York City on the first day of Spring, and you know what that means?……

Nerd (vo): Yeah, even as the light news stories go, would you really watch her? She looks as disinterested as kids doing a homework assignment.

(The guys are walking through the cartoon city streets)

NC: Maybe she just needs a different outfit. Like the "giant cleavage wrapped in banana peel" look.

Nerd: Oooh, you saw Michael Bay's notes.

(Nerd hands NC a paper which has a drawing of April with huge boobs titled "MAKE LIKE THIS!!!" The arrows pointing to her have the words "Boobs," "Big Boobs," "Titahs," and "Wow" on it.)

NC: Why do you have this?

Nerd: (Taking the paper back and putting it in his shirt pocket) No reason.

NC (vo): Though give Michael Bay's thirteen year old brain credit, he did find a way to actually somehow get her on a trampoline.

Harley Pasternak: I want you to visualize a sexy seagull. Picture you're leaving the cold north and you're flying.

NC (vo): I can picture him now saying, "No, no, it's supposed to be shot in slo-mo and in extreme close-up. (The scene is slowed down and zoomed in on April) God, it's like this director sees women as people or something."

Mr. Revetti: Call my guy, Stan. He'll tell you anything else you need to know, okay?

NC (vo): She gets a tip from Chef (Gordon) Ramsay that something shady's going down that night at the docks, and she snoops in to see what it is.

(Masked men are waving flashlights around, which are mounted to their guns)

Nerd (vo): Yeah, wave those guns with lights around. Nobody will ever notice the secretive Foot Clan.

NC (vo): Of course they're stopped by our unseen heroes as April notices that they left a calling card.

Nerd (vo): Because, ninja leave no trace.

April: I'm freaking out! I just saw a Foot Clan attack.

NC (vo): Oh hi, roommate who literally has no purpose in this movie at all. Admit it, you forgot she was even in this film, didn't you?

April: I was riding my bike by the docks. It was night, it's dark, already and there are Foot Clan soldiers everywhere. Then out of nowhere, there was this guy fighting back.

Nerd (vo): Then from out of dark came an awesome sound. Shouted "cowabunga" as they hit the ground! From the field of weeds THE HEROES RESCUED THE FLOWER, 'CAUSE THEY POSSESSED TURTLE POWER!!!

NC: Nerd, Nerd. It's in the past. Let it go.

(The two continue on their walk)

Nerd: T-U-R-T-L-E.

NC: Power.

Nerd: T-U-R-T-L-E.

NC: Power.

Bernadette Thompson: We need a lead for tonight. Who's got 'em?

Employee: Uh, major league developments proposed for Manhattan.

Bernadette: No

Nerd (vo): Hey I've got one: Why the fuck is Whoopie Goldberg in this movie?

April: I witnessed an attempted Foot Clan robbery at the docks in Brooklyn last night.

NC ( vo as Bernadette): Awwww Christ, was today bring your daughter to work day?

Bernadette: I'm gonna assume that you would not come up here, and tell us this fantastic story without some tangible proof.

April: I took this photo

(Bernadette rolls her eyes)

Nerd (vo): Why she rolling her eyes like that. Does she NOT want proof of her story?

NC (vo): Maybe, she [Bernadette] just doesn't like the folder that she's [April] keeping it in.

NC (vo as Bernadette): Brown, puh! That's so like her.

Nerd (talking in NC's voice): It makes no sense.

NC (talking in the Nerd's voice): Hey wait, did my voice just come out of your mouth?

Nerd (normal voice): Yeah, that was weird.

(They shrug and continue walking)

Nerd (vo): The proof isn't enough, but that doesn't stop The Shredder from warming up, by breaking the hands of the Foot Clan with his chin. I guess people can do that now.

Karai: We couldn't have anticipated the vigilante showing up at the docks

Shredder: お前はその国のいした図だ。(Omae wa sono kuni no i shita zuda.)

Karai: We've never seen an enemy like this

NC (vo as Shredder): Wait, are we speaking Japanese or English? We keep going half and forth.

Shredder: I don't believe on fairytales.

NC (vo as Shredder) Oh damn it, now you got me doing it. It's like vine: Once you see someone do it, you want to start doing it yourself.

Nerd (vo): The Foot Clan lures the turtles out by holding people hostage in a green subway. Because for some reason, subways in movies always have to be green (shows multiple photos of subways in movies to prove his point)

Karai: We know you're out there. If you don't surrender, we start executing hostages.

NC (vo as Karai): Don't make me explain why everyone is hiding their identity behind a mask, except me. Oh, I'm hoping they put my face on Assassin's Weekly.

NC (vo): The turtles of course save the day, and April is the only one who somehow noticed them and follows.

A turtle lands in front of April. It slowly pans up)

Both: (as they observe the shot) Good, good (they see Raphael's face and groan in disappointment)

NC (vo): Goddamn it!

Nerd (vo): So close.

NC (vo): The design of the turtles aren't that bad. They have different articles of clothing that, not only match their character, but also help us to tell them apart easier. But, Jesus Christ, what did they do to their faces? They just look...ugly! It's like if the Annoying Orange was an annoying avocado.

Nerd (vo): Or if Slippy Frog got Botox injections, and then got herpes.

NC (vo): Or if the Finding Nemo turtle (Crush) got Jaundice

Nerd (vo): Or if that troll from Lord of the Rings joined a street gang

NC (vo): Bottom line; they don't look very go-ooh ooh like a radioactive Smurf that got caught in an oyster.

Nerd (vo): You got too greedy.

NC (vo): I know

Leonardo: Do not say a word about this to anyone. If you do, we will find you……April O'Neil.

Nerd (vo): Oooh they know her name; she's on the news!

Michelangelo: Guys, I totally talked to a girl!

Other turtles: Shut up Mikey!

NC: And speaking of April, it looks like we found her.

(NC and the Nerd are hiding behind a crate. Scene changes to show Krang and April (played by Tamara Chambers all tied up)

Krang: Unless your friends arrive, your final newscast will be blown out of proportion Miss O'Neil.

NC: Right, if we save her, we're sure to get to the heart of the Ninja Turtles. We just need a plan.

Nerd: Wait a minute, are our glasses switched?

(They switch glasses)

NC: Man, a lot of mistakes have been going on around here. So, what are we going to do?

Nerd: Well, I wired one of my calculators into this super molecular discombobulating device.

NC: That seems amazingly implausible, but let's use it!

(They confront Krang)

Krang: I smell walking talking geeks

NC: Oh come on, his lips didn't even move!

(The Nerd fires his weapon and turns Krang into Dulé Hill (played by Malcolm Ray))

DH: Hi, I'm West Wing and Psych star Dulé Hill………bye

(DH walks away)

NC: Holy smokes, how did you do that?

Nerd: I just re-arranged his molecules using the bio energy emanating from this retro animator integrator...science babble, science babble, science babble.

NC: My god, this is amazing. We could change the world with this!

Nerd: Actually, let's never use it, comment on it, or ever reference it again.

NC: That works to, yeah, I'm fine with that.

(NC and Nerd approach April)

NC: I get to untie her

Nerd: I'll untie her

NC: No, I'll untie her

Nerd: I'll untie her!

NC: No, I'll untie her!

April: What a story!

(She writes on her notepad, revealing that she can move her arms)

NC: Wait a minute, you can get out of that the whole time?

April: Of course. These guys know as much about tying knots as E.L. James.

Nerd: Then why the hell didn't you do anything?

April: Because it's a great story. Brain behind operation is literally brain behind operation, villains try to take over the world with alien technology when they could just make a fortune selling it, mutants roam the city during the day yet nobody seems to care.

(NC and Nerd leave April)

April: Turtles try to stay secret even though they are constantly on TV and newspapers. News reporter wears a yellow jumpsuit during every report (shows the bomb ticking down), and yet somehow never gets fired

(Offscreen explosion as NC and Nerd walk into the frame. NC is talking to SC)

NC: Hey master, I don't think we're looking in the right place.

Nerd: Yeah, there's something very....silly about this.

SC: Very well then, try defeating the Foot Clan. I hear they're trying to blow up the city dam.

NC: That's not bad, the Foot's a big part of the turtles identity.

SC: Then onwards, my sons. You can do it!

(SC's face is replaced by static)

Nerd: You can do it?

NC: Alright, let's go kick some Foot....that's surprisingly not redundant!

Nerd: Wait wait wait, There's something very familiar about this!

NC: Will you knock it off; we're loosing pixelated sunlight. Now come on, we have a job to do!

(They head off, walking down the streets which have now turned into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on NES)

NC (vo): So strangely enough, April and the turtles had a connection before. As her home movies reveal, not only did she use to be Mara Wilson, but she also saw the turtles bro up in her father's lab. She even have them their love of pizza.

Nerd: So this part is going to piss off the purest of turtles fans.

NC: So, well we talk about it, I'm going to put something up to distract you, so that you can get mor angry about that rather than what we're saying (puts up a picture that says "Greedo shot first)

Nerd: I kind of like that change

NC: Yeah, me too.

Nerd (vo): Don't me wrong, the stars must have all had to have been aligned for them to meet up like that again, but it is kind of clever giving them a connection early on.

NC (vo): It almost makes up for the fact that they have so little connection beyond that. Personally, I don't think it was that bad of an addition.

Nerd (vo): But that doesn't help prove her case when, like a fucking dumb ass, she tries to tell her the boss the truth!

April: The turtles are the vigilantes

Bernadette: There are four six foot taking turtles walking around New York City; and no one has seen them, but you?

April: That's what I'm telling you

Bernadette: Okay, get out

(Sound of a door closing as April hurries down the stairs with a box in her hands)

Nerd (vo): Well, what the hell do you think would happen? They'd give you the Pulitzer for being a fucking psychopath.

NC (vo): Well if they did, they'd also give it to Will Arnett as Vernon, as he agrees to help her after being told the whole story. But, that could be because she's the only one who will listen to his failed stand up.

Vernon: You know when you get a coffee, and it's just coffee, and then they put a little froth on it; it's kind of nice. Foam, froth, you get the point. It's nice, it tastes good, it's candy. They look at your and they say "Wow there's a nice-"

Nerd (vo): What the hell is he talking about it?

Vernon: Candy; the point it-

NC (vo as Vernon): Come on, it's a Nickelodeon movie; you think I am going to use my A material.

Vernon: So they're....aliens?

April: No, that's stupid; they're reptiles.

Nerd (vo): A moment of pause for people groaning at that piece of shit joke....Okay that'll do.

Vernon: Heroes in a half-shell.

Bernadette: Okay, get out.

NC (vo): April goes to see Eric Sachs.

Nerd (vo): Eric ball sacks

NC (vo): Yeah, well done; played by William Fichtner, who helped her father with his experiments when he was still alive.

Sachs: April's arrived early this year.

NC (vo): (as Sachs) I was gonna say April came early this year, but Bay has a bit of a pervy audience. I have other jokes, though. I used to live on 5th Avenue. Get it? Sachs and 5th? Hahaha, I kill me. And I might kill you. We'll just have to wait and see.

(Now we're in a sewer level)

NC: But the funny thing about that...hold on a second. Jump already!

(Nerd is unable to jump because of all the enemies on screen)

Nerd: I can't! There's too many people on the screen, it's slowing everything down!

NC: Who designed these sewers anyway?

Nerd: That's your biggest question? There's a guy on fucking fire over there! (One of the enemies is a man on fire) Why do they hire these people?

NC: Just fucking jump!

(Nerd jumps up, only to get hit by the guy on the ledge and fall into the water)

Nerd: Aww, I hit the water.

NC: Well swim out!

Nerd: I can't. It's dragging me away.

NC: What do you mean you can't? We gotta swim like shit through this stuff in order to defuse the bombs!

Nerd: I'm swimming through shit right now!

Nerd (vo): Something you'll notice is there's more attention given to Sachs in this movie than there is the Shredder, and that's cause Sachs was originally supposed to be the Shredder. It was changed because so many people gave him shit.

Sachs: April, the mutagen possesses powers. Beyond our wildest hopes.

(We're back in the sewer. Nerd looks at NC, who then puts up a picture of Captain Kirk that says "A Tribble Brought Kirk Back From the Dead.")

NC: Fitchner would've been so much better!

Nerd: Yeah!

Nerd (vo): It's totally different, but he would've been great for the part. He's weird, he's creepy, he's got a strange, sick charm to him. Yeah, he's not Japanese, but neither was Uncle Phil. (Picture of Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air appears in the corner. Now we get a picture of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2012) If we can have a cartoon where April's a teenager with no one going fucking nuts, why can't we have a movie where this guy is the Shredder? Instead, we get this dull hunk of wood who could just as been easily replaced with a scarecrow who speaks Japanese sometimes.

Shredder: (with gag subtitles) You care so little about me you don't even notice I'm not moving my lips.

Sachs: The city will be ours.

Shredder: (gag subtitled) Go ahead, rewind it and see.

NC (vo): So the Turtles abduct April...which is really backwards when you think about it. I mean come on, this doesn't help Mikey's creeper talk at all.

Mikey: But we can still have adult conversations./Dibs./Dude, my girlfriend is totally the hogosha.

(Clip from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1 as Mikey asks "Can we keep her?")

Nerd (vo): Well to be fair, he was still pretty creepy in the original.

NC (vo): Where she meets Splinter and we learn more about their backstory.

Splinter: Your father had discovered the truth behind the man he was working for. He set fire to the lab; his last breath was taken, trying to destroy Shredder's plans.

Nerd (vo): So he accidentally set himself on fire? What kind of scientist is this? He creates mutant turtles, but can't light a match without burning alive! Maybe, he's the (fire) guy in Ninja Turtles the NES Game

NC (vo): Even his daughter got out of there fine, and she's obviously like half his age. Look, she even managed to save the turtles.....sort of. She lays them in the street. I'm sure the cars will take good care of them.

Splinter: We wondered the sewers, until I found this place.

Nerd (vo): They start to mutate over the years, and learn about humanity by peaking out at Times Square. Not a bad idea, but then we get the dumbest addition of all.

(Shows Splinter looking through a book about Ninjitsu)

Splinter: And then, I found a way.

Nerd (vo): Who the dick sausage masters Ninjitsu from a fucking book? It's not even a good book. Look at it! They're like drawings from Game and Watch. They're not just supposed to be good, they're supposed to be amazing, and then they got that from this? Where's the chapter saying how to dodge bullets, where's the chapter saying how to jump off cliffs, where's the chapter saying how to read Japanese? Yeah, the book is in Japanese! How did they even read this if they're English speaking turtles?

NC (vo): Did Times Square just have lessons on the hour every hour?

(Cut to a shot of a Coca-Cola as in Time Square. The ad switches to the Nerd).

Nerd: Hey, the Japanese word for "good afternoon" is konichiwa. If you're a turtle out there, I hope you got that! (long pause) Nobody question this.

(The screen switches back to the Cola-Cola ad)

(Foot Clan soldiers set up a bomb on a wall to breach the Turtles' hideout)

Splinter: No, get back!

Nerd (vo): Shredder finds them and blows up their hideout, injuring most of them. Wouldn't it have made sense to hide in their shells for that?

NC (vo): Nah, they're just there to put advertisements on. (A picture of Donny is shown with stickers for Apple, Burger King, Nike, Coca Cola and Sony) Oh wait, we don't need that; they just say it naturally on their own.

Michelangelo: I've got a safe place for [April] you to hide, and if you're thirsty, I've got a secret stash of Orange Crush behind the fridge (whispering) Don't tell Raph.

Nerd (vo): Why would that need to be secret?

NC (vo): Maybe the taste is so good that it has to be kept a secret. Go buy Crush now!

(The Shredder enters in his armor)

Nerd (vo): Oh look, A Shredformer. He's mixing the ancient art of Ninjitsu with high tech robotic bullshit.

NC (vo): Very Japanese the more I think about it

Splinter: Shredder.

Shredder: All these years, I've been trying to recreate the mutagen, and you....you just handed it to me.

Splinter: You will not lay a hand on my sons!

NC (vo as Shredder): Um, have we met? We're talking like we have this long history, but I am pretty sure this is the first time we've ever seen each other. (The Shredder attacks Splinter, who fends him off with his head down) Oh come on, you aren't even looking at me while I fight you. That's just rude!

Nerd (vo): Shredder beats up Splinter, and captures three of the turtles, leaving an unconscious Raphael behind.

Shredder: Where's the fourth?

Foot Soldier: He's dead.

Shredder: Destroy this place.

(Bombs go off, destroying the hideout)

NC (vo): You know, that's not much "destroy this place" as it is "create a bit of a fixer upper." I mean come on. Three people survived that "destroy this place!"

(Nerd and NC are now swimming in the Dam level of the first TMNT game)

Nerd: After that, they...(He looks over to NC trying to defuse a bomb) What the hell are you doing!?

NC: This is just how I defuse bombs, okay?

Nerd: Well it looks like you're punching your munchkin.

NC: Shut up! (The bomb is defused)

Nerd: As in jerking off!

NC: Yeah yeah, I know what you mean, okay? We only got one more bomb to defuse and it's up that tunnel.

(The two swim upwards, only to find it's a corridor full or electric seaweed)

NC: Oh hell no!

Nerd: Fuck that noise!

(The two swim back down)

NC: You know, it is only water.

Nerd: Yeah. People could use a good swim.

NC: Yeah, it's not like we're gonna let anybody important die, right?

(They're now caught by April, who managed to survive being blown up)

April: What a story! "Critic doesn't give a dam!" "Nerd dams us all!" (NC and Nerd swim away) "Dammed if you do, drowned if you don't" "Dam ruined by damn dirty Foot!"

(NC and Nerd are now in the character select screen from the game)

NC: Master, this isn't working! I feel like we're not any closer to the Heart of the Turtles.

SC: Hmm. We'll have to go straight for the throat. Go defeat the Shredder! If that doesn't lead to the Heart of the Turtles, nothing will! The Christ has spoken!

(One static transition, we get April where SC was)

April: And remember, you have my suppor--(The screen explodes, followed by a test screen)

Nerd: She loves her work.

(We then come to a commercial transition)

Thirty Something Nerdy Critics will return after these messages.

(And we come back from commercial)

We now return to Thirty Something Nerdy Critics. Ugh.

(Nerd and NC are not in the Foot Clan lair from the first TMNT live action movie. They are facing off against the Shredder, played by ?)

Shredder: Well, we steal things!

NC: And?

Shredder: That's as far as I got.

Nerd: Look, you've got a cool arcade, but I'm not going to out my life on the line for that

Shredder: No, it's okay. We're going to take over the city with Ninjitsu!

NC: Uh, you do know they have guns out there right?

Shredder: We have Ninjitsu!

NC: But they have guns.

Nerd: Seriously, you have numb chucks, swords, axes; don't you think a few fire arms would step things up a bit!

Shredder: You don't understand. We're hunting turtles. I INTERROGATED A RAT!!

NC: You've been smoking

Nerd: Why are we still listening to this?

Shredder: THIS IS YOUR FAMILY!!!

NC: And you're the drunk uncle who beats up the rodent section at PetSmart.