(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from Teacher's Pet)
Doug (vo): Teacher's Pet is based on the Disney show that ran in the early 2000s, starring Nathan Lane. (Beat) I didn't even know it existed, but apparently, it was popular enough to make a movie that apparently bombed at the box office, and...I can kind of see why. Not to say the movie's bad. I actually don't think it is, but...oh, man, what a trip.
Doug (vo): It opens with a dog named Spot, voiced by Nathan Lane, who lives with a boy named Leonard, and apparently, he's smart enough to go to school, so he disguises himself as a boy to go and educate himself and have all sorts of fun. But the problem is, Spot actually does want to be a boy. Thus, he hears about a doctor, voiced by Kelsey Grammer, who's conducting experiments to turn animals into people. Spot gets excited and convinces Leonard and his mother to go on a road trip to take him there...seeing how school's out and every one of these Disney TV shows turned into movies always seems to open with school being out,..and they drive themselves all the way down to Florida. But two of Spot's friends do more research and find out that the experiments don't work, and thus, they rush down there as quickly as possible to let him know. But the experiment has already happened, and it seems to be a success, but there's only one problem. In dog years, Spot isn't a boy, he's a man. So now, he has to walk around as a human man, trying to...be a human man. Yeah, this is really, really odd.
Doug (vo): I guess the story is kind of general little kid TV show movie stuff, but the attitude, pacing and humor is beyond bizarre. The design of the characters, I describe as beautifully ugly. There isn't one good-looking character in this, but at the same time, it's kind of fun how weird and distorted they look. I swear they're done by the same person who did the Airborne designs. The humor seems to match it. I can't really say it's cynical, I can't really say it's optimistic, it's just...energized, strange, constantly yelling, constantly getting in your face, constantly throwing everything they can at you. And for the most part, it is kind of entertaining. This style of humor is so in its own world, it's kind of hard not to get sucked into it and want to have fun right along with them.
(Several bizarre moments featured in the film are shown)
Doug (vo): The doctor, for example, gets so excited at one point, he just rips his head off. Yeah, that's just something that can happen in this world. People can fall to pieces or explode or their skin can rip apart from their body. But a split-second later, they're back to normal. It's kind of typical cartoon stuff. But the more I think about it, I don't see that much typical cartoon stuff in movies. We never got a Ren & Stimpy big screen movie, we never got a Tiny Toons big screen movie. The typical cartoony slapstick stuff, we don't usually see in theaters, at least not to this extent. On the one hand, it's kind of nice. I don't always know where it's going, I don't always know what kind of joke is coming next.
(Several song sequences are shown, as well as more various clips)
Doug (vo): Most Disney films have, what? Four to five songs in them? This one has something, like, 10 to 15. Every other second, they're singing, and they're just throwing their all into it. Just every single moment, they're trying to do something crazy. The one downside is, it can get old after a while. The film doesn't take that many breaks from its weird, kooky sense of humor. When it does, there's not a ton of emotion to keep you interested. Because of that, I can see this film very easily annoying some people. For me, it was all right, but even I'll admit, I was starting to get a little tired of it. Thankfully, the humor for me was so energized and weird that I didn't mind too much, but I can see people getting really sick of it really fast. Nothing about it seems particularly cinematic, it just seems like a really long cartoon.
Doug (vo): But some people want to see really long cartoons. I love cartoons, and so, I kind of like this. Its weird shapes and colors mixed with weird ideas and characters, I can't help it. I thought it was bizarrely kind of fun. Did it get grating sometimes? Once in a while. But at the same time, I have to give them credit for just going all the way. It never lets up, it's always trying to do something insane. And I guess the kind of insane part of me weirdly appreciates it. It's still smart, it's still well-thought out. Just because it's silly doesn't mean it's not done by people who are extremely talented. I guess fans of the show will really enjoy it, I mean, I have to assume the show was just as crazy. To any newcomers, though, just keep in mind, it is pretty relentless. It just constantly throws crazy thing after crazy thing with somehow a kid-related moral attached to it. To some, that can definitely be a turnoff, but for me, it's the right amount of madness for a solid viewing.
(The film's final scene, showing a heaven-like painting that features Spot and Leonard, is shown)