November 24, 2009
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it-(starts to sob), but I don’t wanna. I don’t wanna remember it! This movie is so awful, I wish it was lobotomized from my brain! Even if it was the part of my brain that forgets what my penis was, I still want it lobotomized! (pauses, then sighs) Buck up. This is “Tank Girl.”
(The movie’s title screen is shown, followed by a montage of clips from that movie, set to the tune of Devo's "Girl U Want")
NC (voiceover): I mean, this is like a McDonald’s playground after you smoked a pile of horseshit. It’s stupid, it’s nonsensical, and it’s annoying, annoying, annoying!
NC: But before we take a look at this delightful ass raping, let’s take a look at a little history.
(images of the “Tank Girl” comic are shown)
NC (voiceover): And I do mean little, because I never actually read the comic book this movie was based off of, but to the comic’s credit, it looks pretty cool. I think one of the guys who developed the Gorillaz band worked on this comic, and it shows. The artwork is really awesome, the characters seem like fun, and I really like the setting of this sort of punk-apocalyptic future. What would be the word for that? “Apunkalyptic”? I dunno. (the movie poster for “Tank Girl” is shown) And I guess it did well enough that Hollywood finally came by to try and ruin it.
NC: And they certainly did a bang-up job of that! So let’s not wait any longer…even though I’m sure many of us want to. Let’s take a look at “Tank Girl.”
NC (voiceover): So I would tell you the backstory of this little opus, but hell, why don’t I let Harley Quinn’s retarded sister tell ya?
Rebecca (aka Tank Girl): (narrates) Listen up, ‘cause I’m only tellin’ you this once! I’m not bedtime story lady, so pay attention.
NC: Wow, I hate you already.
Rebecca: (narrates) You see, a while ago, this humongous comet came crashin’ down into the earth. Bam! No celebrities, no cable TV, no water! It hasn’t rained in 11 years.
NC: (leans his ear toward the camera) What’s that? Nobody will get the Frank Herbert’s “Dune” jokes? OK, I’ll keep ‘em out.
NC (voiceover): And then they show one of the most poetic, beautiful images ever to be associated with the desert on film since “Lawrence of Arabia.”
(Rebecca and a yak ride up to the top of a sand dune while they both wear what looks like silly outfits as the score from "Lawrence of Arabia" plays)
NC: (holds his heart) My heart leaps every time.
NC (voiceover): This fucked-up image pretty much sums up the feel of the movie. I mean, look at her, she looks like she got a makeover by the Sand People.
Sand Person (from “Star Wars”): (grunts while the following quote is said in a comic balloon) We WILL give you green highlights!
NC (voiceover): So she goes roaming through the desert looking for water to steal.
Rebecca: (narrates) Witness…Exhibit A. (she pickpockets through the gear of a blood-covered dead man)
NC: Boy, Super Dave’s stunts aren’t as funny as they used to be.
NC (voiceover): So she takes off her mask to reveal herself as...Gwen Stefani?!
NC (voiceover): Actually, this is Rebecca, played by Lori Petty. Yeah, you know, the whiny little sister from “A League of Their Own”? Didn’t you always want to see her in a starring role?
(Cut to an exterior shot of a large Victorian mansion)
Rebecca: (narrates) Ah, there it is. Home sweet home.
(Cut to a comic drawing of the same house, labeled as “Renegade H.Q.”)
NC: Actually, that’s a drawing of it, but OK.
(Rebecca aims the laser point of her gun on the hand of a young man who is using a water pump inside what looks like a greenhouse; he jumps after being startled by the sight of the laser while attempting to use a water pump)
Rebecca: (speaking in a German accent) You’ve been stealing water...
Man: What gave you that idea?
Rebecca: Take off your clothes.
(He takes off his shirt, revealing his bare chest)
NC: Did I mention a woman directed this movie?
(The man undoes his belt)
NC: (grows concerned) A woman who hopefully isn’t horny as hell?
(He bends forward to slip down his boxer briefs)
NC: (shields his hands away in uncomfortable creepiness from the action onscreen) A woman who hopefully hates looking at the male body as much as I do?!
(A young girl and boy walk in)
Sam (girl): Gross-out!
(The boy covers the girl’s eyes)
Boy: Come on, they’re being weird again. (He takes Sam away as Rebecca and the man laugh)
NC: (puts his hands down in relief) Oh, thank God!
(Cut to a clip from “Raiders of the Lost Ark”)
Belloq: Next time, it will take more than children to save you.
(Rebecca and the man embrace and kiss)
NC (voiceover): So, yeah, these two are fucked up, as we then cut to the location of our main villain. (A sporadic jump edit to a comic drawing of the villain’s headquarters known as “Water & Power,” to which NC reacts in surprise to the sudden edit) OK, another drawing… (cut to a long line of wine glasses filled with water and both the villains and some generals taking them) Oh, b-what? You can’t even show the real building? You gotta show a drawing of it? What’s the point of having a building if you can’t…have a building?
NC: Is the idea that it just looks better in the comics, so they’re not even gonna bother to show us?
NC (voiceover): So we see our bad guy who runs all the water in the world named Kesslee, played by Malcolm McDowell, who really needs to fire his agent.
Kesslee: Adam was dust until God injected him with life. And do you know what was in that injection?
NC: Well, that’s not how I heard about the birds and the bees.
Kesslee: To Captain Derouche.
Captain Derouche: (points to a map on the wall) That final crack of land will be ours.
Kesslee: (point to that same spot on the map) This crack of land? Huh. (smashes the map into pieces with one fist) Now, look what’s happened. (smashes another glass map with his fist) And the Channelson Ridge! (smashes that map with his fist) And so on!
NC: (misinterprets) And Sauron?
(A clip of Sauron’s eye from "The Lord of the Rings”)
NC (voiceover): (as Sauron) Nobody owns me, beeyotch!
Kesslee: Do I make myself clear?
Generals: Yes, sir.
Kesslee: (throws his glass onto the floor) Good!
NC: (mocks Kesslee) Now get me more things to smash! (pretends to throw something fragile to the floor, and a “smash” is heard)
NC (voiceover): So he stabs Captain LaDouche—or whatever his name is—and steals all the water from his body.
(Kesslee pulls out the plastic bottle he used to stab the captain with and takes a drink from it)
NC: Aquafina is people! (shakes his fists above his head)
Kesslee: (finishes his drink) Lovely.
(Another sporadic jump edit to a comic drawing of Rebecca in an army general’s outfit and giving a salute while standing in front of an American flag with the caption “ATTEN’SHUN,” then to a live-action shot of Renegade H.Q., to which NC reacts in surprise of the quick edit)
NC (voiceover): What is the point of that?! Did you just run out of footage, so you threw in the storyboards in there?
Sam: (jumps in a sand crevice outside the house to scare Rebecca) Boo! (stares at Rebecca, who is sitting motionless) Rebecca? Rebecca? Rebecca?! (shakes her) Rebecca!
Rebecca: (sits up and is fine) Ha-ha! Got you. (giggles)
NC (voiceover): (as a producer) Uh, this is the producer of the movie. The scene you just saw served no purpose and probably should have been edited out of the final product. Our apologies. (normal) But Rebecca is approached by one of McDowell’s soldiers, trying to stop their illegal water stealing. But Rebecca tries to flirt her way out.
(The soldier stares at her while she continues flirting; she makes a “Come here” motion with her fingers)
Soldier #1: OK.
NC: (mocks the soldier in a dumb voice) A-doyyyyy?
(Rebecca blows sand into his eyes, and he stands up to react in pain)
NC (voiceover): Ah! Sand not quite blown in my face! My one weakness!
Rebecca: Drop something?
Soldier #1: Huh? (looks down to see that the pins on the hand grenades that are placed on his belt have been removed)
Soldier #1: Ahh, shit. (he explodes)
NC: (laughs) I like how he doesn’t even yell, like he's thinking to himself:
NC (voiceover): (as the soldier) I’m an extra on “Tank Girl.” It’s not like I really have to try...won’t be putting it on my resume.
(the soldier explodes)
NC (voiceover): (normal) So they shoot up all the people inside, but for some reason, keep Rebecca alive.
Soldier #2: (sees the yak approaching) Well, well. (shoots the yak, to which it cries out)
NC: NO! Not the yak! He was my favorite character!
(The footage of the yak being shot is played again as the chorus from "Yakety Yak" plays)
Rebecca: (spits at Soldier #2 in disgust) There’s your water. (Soldier #2 hits her in the face with his gun before the film cuts to a caption balloon that spins and then says “This is me unconscious.”)
NC: …Yeah, well…
(NC’s own caption balloon spins and says, “This is fucking stupid.”)
(A harrier jet flies over the desert and through the pod bay doors of Kesslee’s headquarters)
NC (voiceover): (as a control tower controller) Roger, fake special effect. You are clear to land. (normal) So she meets up with McDowell as he tries to offer her a chance to work with him.
Kesslee: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
NC: I think they wrote that on the tickets for this movie.
Kesslee: I’m offering you the chance of a lifetime: the honor of working for me.
Rebecca: Not interested.
Kesslee: (leans in and whispers) Not yet.
NC: (imitates Yoda from “Star Wars”) You will be. YOU will be!
NC (voiceover): So they make her a slave in his company as she tries to fight back with her witty comebacks.
Rebecca: Hey! What time is it? I don’t wanna miss “Baywatch.”
NC: (laughs) “Baywatch”! It’s funny, because it existed.
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, a woman named Jet—played surprisingly by Naomi Watts—is trying to fight off a guard who won’t stop hitting on her.
(Rebecca comes up to tap the guard on the shoulder and has him stand aside)
Rebecca: Quit picking on my girlfriend! (she kisses Jet on the lips)
(NC’s hat flies off skyward as he watches this in surprise before they finish the kiss)
NC: (excited) Ok, this movie went up a notch! Or, at least, something went up a notch.
(The guard reacts in disgust and leaves)
NC (voiceover): (as the guard) Oh, God, that’s gross. I’d never want to see two women kiss.
(Another sporadic jump edit to several comic drawings of Rebecca smoking, a caption “Mind your head” and the other slaves in the company, to which NC reacts in surprise yet again)
NC (voiceover): Wah! Ok, what is the idea behind having the comic book drawings in the movie? Seriously!
NC: (sounding energized) It’s like a comic book coming to life, without it…actually coming to life.
NC (voiceover): So Rebecca sneaks around the place looking for, appropriately enough, a tank.
(Funky music plays as Rebecca eyes the barrel of the tank, grabs it and whispers, “Yeah!”)
NC (voiceover): Why are they playing “Shaft”? I mean, are they trying to pass off that that’s somehow not “Shaft”? Because…that’s so obviously “Shaft.” You could even put the lyrics to it. Listen.
(The footage of Rebecca approaching the tank plays again as NC sings)
NC (voiceover): (sings a la Isaac Hayes) Who’s the scuzzy chick who plays with tanks like it’s a dick? (as female backup vocals) Girl! (as Isaac) Her character is bland, and no one understands her, even the audience. (as the backup vocals) Tank Girl!
NC (voiceover): (normal) But, sadly, the tank doesn’t work, so Rebecca thinks she knows the woman who can get it running.
(Rebecca slides up under Jet while she’s examining the tank)
Rebecca: (smiles) Miss me?
NC: I did not.
Jet: What are you doing?
Rebecca: Well, I was just thinking about leaving this place. What do you reckon? We go to New York and see “Cats.”
NC (voiceover): “Cats”? “Baywatch”? Oh, mid-90’s references, will you ever age?
Rebecca: You just gotta…think about it like…the first time you got laid. You just gotta go, “Daddy…are you sure this is right?”
NC: Wow. That’s offensive and unfunny. It’s like a female Jeff Dunham.
(Rebecca suddenly gets pulled under by a guard and is captured)
NC (Voiceover): Thank God. Lock her away for good this time!
(Kesslee walks through a freezer room where Rebecca is held captive and wearing a straitjacket; her eyes and face look pale)
NC: Huh. I…never thought I’d be able to use this line in a way that makes sense, but…
Charlie Wilcox (from Suburban Commando): I was frozen today!
NC: (giggles) It never gets old.
Kesslee: I’m going to ask you just one more time.
NC (voiceover): (as Kesslee) Where’s my career?
Kesslee: Do you want to work for Water & Power?
Rebecca: I get to wear a cute little outfit like yours?
NC (voiceover): So they’re going to use her to set off these booby traps to try and get to the lair of these water bandits simply known as the Rippers, but wouldn’t you know it? The Rippers show up in their half-assed Predator costumes and kill all the guards, leaving Rebecca and Velma from “Scooby Doo” here alive.
Jet: We better go before they come back for us. You take the tank.
(Rebecca tries different controls inside the tank, which maneuvers a barrel and accidentally hits Jet in the head; Rebecca gets out and Jet is rubbing her head; in Jet’s vision, everything looks wavy)
Rebecca: Are you OK?
NC: Oh, no, she’s entering “Mulholland Drive.”
(The film dissolves to an animated cartoon action sequence)
NC (voiceover): Oh, I guess we’re in the promo for the Saturday morning cartoon now.
(Animated Rebecca and Jet ride off in the tank)
Animated Rebecca: Look! No hands!
(The tank flies off the edge of a canyon cliff)
NC (voiceover): What, did Disney take over? I mean, what is this? Why does this look like Andy Warhol’s spitup? (The cartoon ends) OK, whatever. We see McDowell go through some sort of Vanilla Sky operation to make up for what the Rippers did to him.
(A surgeon named Che’tsai speaks a foreign language while a speaker on his jacket translates something for him)
Female voice in the speaker: All the king’s horses and all the king’s men wish they have the technology that I have.
NC: Hey! It’s the same voice box they use in Tickle Me Amy!
(NC takes out a stuffed toy monkey and tickles it)
Tickle Me Amy: Amy’s voice box is copyright protected. I will sue their asses and fuck them up hard! And you will know that my name is the Lord, when I lay my vengeance upon thee!
NC: Alright, I gotta stop playing with you. (shoves the toy aside)
NC (Voiceover): So they drop by a bordello called Liquid Silver, where, funny enough, that little girl named Sam happens to be! Unfortunately, she’s called in to please a pedophile. I-Isn’t that just charming?
(Sam claps, and a globe-shaped device in the pedophile’s hand pierces through, wounding him; she then comes across Rebecca)
Rebecca: Hey! You’re gonna get fired if you keep treating the guests like that.
Sam: Rebecca! (goes to hug her)
NC (voiceover): (as Sam) I found my mother-maybe-person! (normal) But they want to teach the owner of the place—the crazy bat dressed like The Crow here—a lesson she won’t forget.
Owner: Kill her.
(Jet walks in with an army helmet on and shoots her gun into the air, surprising the owner and the other patrons in the bordello)
NC (voiceover): (as Jet) Jinkies, motherfucker.
Rebecca: Everybody drop your guns!
NC: Oooh, what are they gonna do? They gonna roughen her up a bit, or…destroy the place and make her watch, or…
Owner: (starts singing "Let's Do It, Let's Fall In Love") When the little bluebird...has never said a word…
NC (voiceover): Have her…sing?
NC: Unless that’s Johnny Depp, that’s not very bad punishment.
Owner: (sings louder) When the little blue cluck in the middle of his work…
Chorus (everyone in the bordello): (sings) I’m sure giraffes on the sly…
NC (voiceover): And welcome to the bottom of the barrel, people! An action film with a horrible music number. No point, no reason, just horridness. Complete and total horridness.
Rebecca: (sings) …that upper crust ladies do it.
NC (voiceover): I really can’t believe they’re insulting our intelligence this much. This is just…painful.
(The song number continues with a chorus line as NC looks at it with utter revulsion)
NC: Alright, (pauses) I hate this movie so much, and this scene in particular, that I’m willing to go so far as to show pictures of starving children that we could’ve saved with the money used on this picture.
(A small montage of clips from the musical number is interspersed by pictures of variously impoverished and sad children)
NC: That really fucking makes you think.
Announcer: (in a take-off of the infamous Big Lipped Alligator Moment, complete with altered logo) BIG LIPPED STARVING CHILDREN MOMENT!
NC (voiceover): So because they decided to do their rape of Broadway, Sam gets kidnapped again! Good one, Rebecca! Good one!
Jet: The Rippers? Are you kidding?
Rebecca: Look, we’re gonna rescue Sam, we’re gonna need an army. They’re an army. (walks away)
Jet: Yeah, but…
(A quick clock wipe to the next scene in the desert)
NC (voiceover): Oh! We have no time for your opinion, we only have time for craptastic musical numbers that get children kidnapped. Come on, lady, keep up! So they try to find the Rippers to see if they can get some help saving Sam as they stumble upon their lair.
(The movie reveals anthropomorphic kangaroos in a distorted, awkward way)
NC (voiceover): Oh, my God, the Warriors of Virtue!
NC: This is a bug hunt! Game over, man! Game over!
NC (voiceover): Yeah, so it turns out the Rippers are giant kangaroos. Sounds like something Willy Wonka would create when he’s completely drunk. And one of them, if you can believe it, is actually played by rapper Ice-T.
T-Saint (Ice-T): Let ‘em go? They’re spies! I’ma kill ‘em myself! (tries to go after Rebecca and Jet, but is held back)
Kangaroo #1: Wait.
NC (voiceover): In fact, how did getting him to sign on for this movie work, exactly? Did he really just think this was the role of a lifetime for him?
NC: (as a talent agent) Alright, Ice-T, I know you’ve got a lot of projects in the works, but just listen to this movie role.
NC: (as Ice-T) Yeah, OK.
NC: (as the talent agent) (long pause) You’re a kangaroo-
NC: (as Ice-T) FUCK YEAH!
(A picture of Ice-T shows up with a subtitle saying “We got T!” with ta-da music)
Kangaroo #2: All in favor of crumpets and tea, say “Aye.”
All the kangaroos except T-Saint: Aye!
T-Saint: Shut up! Ain’t gonna be no crumpets and tea!
NC: Well, that’s something I never thought I’d hear Ice-T say.
T-Saint: We’re gonna take ‘em outside right now and waste ‘em!
NC (voiceover): So they waste a LOT of time with these Kangaroo Jack shits as they finally agree that they’ll help save Sam if they can get some weapons to help them out.
(Cut to Rebecca firing at a truck carrying some weapons, to which the two soldiers driving the truck notice)
NC: (as one of the two soldiers driving the truck) Sir! We’re being attacked by some sort of…lethal ice cream truck!
(Rebecca continues firing while roasting a hot dog on a barbecue grill)
Rebecca: Do you mind? I’m trying to have a little lunch.
NC (voiceover): Oh, she’s roasting a hot dog! It’s funny, because people don’t often roast hot dogs during an action scene. She’s pretty wacky!
(Rebecca surfs on the barrel of her tank as the tank approaches the side of the truck)
NC (voiceover): (as Rebecca) I want attention! (normal) So after Peewee’s Big Tank Adventure, we move onto more important scenes, like…and I’m not kidding here…rapping marsupials!
(Footage of the Rippers rapping and dancing in a bowling alley is shown)
NC: Fuck it, I’m just gonna show you the things you COULD be doing right now as opposed to watching this movie.
(As the rapping continues, the following captions roll upward: “Plant a tree,” “Read a book,” “Help at a soup kitchen,” “Adopt an animal,” “Read stories at the orphanage,” “Call your mother,” “Volunteer at a retirement home,” “See how milk is made,” “Donate to MORE starving children,” “Give clothes to the Salvation Army,” and “Press the stop button.”)
(Yet another sudden jump edit to various comic drawings)
NC (voiceover): OK…what?! What is up with the comic shots? I am sick of ‘em! They serve no point, no purpose, why have them in the movie?! Actually, no; I got it. I just figured it out. I bet you anything that they ran out of money, they forgot to shoot, like, a bajillion scenes, so they just threw a bunch of pictures from the comic, hoping nobody could tell the difference.
NC (voiceover): (as a producer calling on his phone) Frank, what do you mean we’re out of money? We still have 24 more scenes to shoot! (pause) What do you mean, “improvise”? I can’t--(stops to pause and hangs up his cell phone) Um… (looks around to pick up a Tank Girl comic book and show off the drawings inside it) Oooh, “Tank Girl”! “Tank Girl”! Woooo! Adventure, high-flying shit happening, oooh-doo-doo-doo-dooo!
Jet: (analyzing a map of Kesslee’s headquarters) Water & Power has mines all the way from here…to here.
Rebecca: We’ve got the stolen flyer. All we have to do is paint it back the way it was, and…(claps her hands once) Pow!
NC: Wait! Are you sure we have enough comic pages for that?
NC (voiceover): So they try to break into the villain’s hideout by partaking in--(The tank pulls Rebecca from behind while she’s hang-gliding) OK, are you even trying, movie?? (The scene continues)
NC: (as Rebecca) Yes, this ridiculous "Jackass" stunt that can easily be shot down will definitely get us in safely!
NC (voiceover): So they (Kesslee’s guards) put Sam in a pipe filled with water as you might have noticed they’re not showing McDowell’s face, probably because they’re building up the surgery that was done on him earlier. It’s getting ridiculous, though. It’s like he turning into Dr. Claw.
(A shot of Kesslee sitting in his chair with his back turned and using a robotic hand)
NC (voiceover): (as Dr. Claw) I’ll get you next time, Tank Girl! Next time! (a cat yowls)
NC (voiceover): So the Mighty Morphin’ Kangaroo-jers break in to kick some tail and--Oh, wait a minute, you can see the string! (A green arrow points to a wire that’s hooked to one of the kangaroos) Goddamnit, movie! You’re not worth the 50 cents I bought you for at the dollar store!
(Rebecca sneaks around while the kangaroos continue to fight the guards and hears a weak voice)
Sam: Rebecca. Help.
Rebecca: Hang on! I hear you!
NC (voiceover): (as Rebecca) I can your weak voice over that loud gunfire! (normal) So McDowell finally shows his face to reveal…it looks exactly the same.
NC: Well, I’m used to disappointment by now, so I’m not really that bummed.
NC (voiceover): Actually, it turns out that McDowell’s head is now a hologram. I knew it! I knew the real Malcolm McDowell wouldn’t sign on for a movie this stupid. It was a hologram all along!
(Rebecca swings around on a wire and kicks Kesslee in the crotch, making him fall off a ledge)
NC (voiceover): (as Kesslee) Ohh, my Clockwork Oranges!
(He lands on the ground, trapping his robotic arm in something; Rebecca stands over him and laughs)
Rebecca: Need a hand? Come on, get up! (puts up her fists and is ready to fight, while imitating Muhammad Ali) Ohh, I’m so pretty.
NC (voiceover): Uhh, yeah. Isn’t that little girl drowning right now?
Rebecca: Need a hand? Come on, get up!
(A shot of Sam in the drowning pipe whimpering with NC's subtitle “Drowning Girl Cam” shown)
Rebecca: Ohh, I’m so pretty. I’m gonna hit you so hard, your children will be born bruised. (laughs) Get up! P-p-p-pow!
(Kesslee gets up and approaches Rebecca)
Kesslee: Just say I won, and the little girl lives.
Rebecca: I’d rather her die than live as your slave.
NC: I think she’d actually be safer as a slave than having you as her mother.
NC (voiceover): Alright, so, quick wrap-up, she defeats McDowell, finally saves the girl and kisses one of the kangaroos. (Beat) Ew. And it doesn’t really end, as much it just shows us more of those pointless Ren and Stimpy cartoons.
(The new cartoon sequence plays with the “Happy Happy Joy Joy” song going on in the background)
NC: But who the hell cares? “Tank Girl” was very appropriately named, as it appropriately tanked at the box office.
(A montage of clips from the movie plays with "Girl U Want" again)
NC (voiceover): And why shouldn't it? It’s horrible! It’s long, it’s annoying, it’s just a pain to sit through from beginning to end.
NC: Fuck this movie, and fuck everything having to do with it! I’m the Nostalgia Critic, and if you’ll excuse me, I think I have some money I want to donate to some starving kids. (He pulls out his wallet to take some cash out and stands up to leave) I mean, GOD!