And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(Singing) "Heroes in a half--" Spoilers!
There's these four turtles called...the Turtles.
And the movie is nice enough to literally spell out their names in the opening!
I'm so glad the movie did that. I always confuse them with other ninja turtles.
And they do all sorts of cool, radical ninja things.
Like watch basketball games in the ceiling!
I watched a basketball game in the ceiling once!
The Hornets have very good lawyers.
But they're upset because they see that Bojack Vernman is taking all their credit!
"Dude! How can those people believe that he took down the Shredder?"
"I know! Crazy, right?"
"No, really, how can they believe that Will Arnett defeats a robotic Shreddinator? Like, even for a movie made for five year olds, even the five year olds wouldn't be able to buy that!"
"But they will be able to buy Crush soda, Nike shoes, and Apple products. Apparently the only things that exist in New York!"
No, seriously, look for Coke, Reebok, or PC. They don't exist!
Maybe Shredder's plan was to get rid of competitive marketing.
Speaking of Shredder, he's in cahoots with a scientist named Blaxter Stockman.
And he's trying to get Shredder out of jail!
Or at least I think it's the Shredder, because this Shredder does not look like that shadowy guy from the first one.
That guy looked like an angry eggplant. This guy looks like an actor who's not trying!
And speaking of not trying, Megan Fox runs into an ex-detective named Casey Jones.
And she's like, (deadpan) "Who are you?"
"What? I thought Casey Jones is supposed to be a rough badass."
"He is, but they just cast a straight arrow instead."
"Then why do you say you're like me?"
"Because I am. I'm good-looking eye candy, I have a dream I can't quite reach, I want people to take me seriously even though they don't. I'm pretty much just your character with a penis, and I'm actually trying."
"Hey, I'm trying."
"Ah, yes. You know how they hang a flag at half-mast? That's your performance right now."
"Hey, I'm a very serious, credible actress. Now, let me slip into my Catholic girl uniform to get some information." (walks offscreen)
"Wait, you only need a few seconds. Couldn't you just bump into that guy?"
"I mean, you could pretend he was someone else or pretend you're someone else like you did with Blaxter Stockman."
"Why are we so comfortable that a pervert is producing kids movies?"
"It's PG-13. We're very adult."
"Mmhmm. The mini-skirts to get the information to fight the evil brain are over there."
Speaking of brains, Krang is in this movie.
And he kidnaps the Shredder and he's like, "You work for me!"
And that's not an abbreviation. That IS the entire scene!
In fact, I think I stretched it out a bit.
So, Shredder comes across two guys named Bebop and Rocksteady.
One's a guy who occasionally will do a Finnish accent, and the other dresses a certain way only because it was in the cartoon.
Seriously, even hipsters are like, "Dude, even Prince wouldn't be caught in that."
But Krang gives Shredder this purple ooze.
And it reduces people down to their evolutionary animal!
I bet you didn't know we evolved from rhinos and warthogs!
It just makes so much sense. I mean, in the cartoon, they acted like the animal they are around the most, that's the one they would mutate like.
But no, it's evolution!
But not only that, this ooze can apparently turn the Turtles into humans!
(Gasps) What are they gonna do with it?!
Nothing. Total McGuffin. Goes nowhere.
It's like watching Bruce Wayne throughout an entire movie think about being Batman, but instead...he makes pies.
But that's okay, because Donatello with the purple stuff can track Bebop and Rocksteady wherever they are in the world.
Seriously, guys, I'm high as a kite and you're making the cartoon look credible.
So, they try to stop them, but they fail.
All because Leo couldn't keep the family together.
Because if there's one constant in all the incarnations of the Ninja Turtles, it's that Leonardo is always a horrible leader.
How many times does he have to be told what a good leader is by someone who's a much better leader?!
Why doesn't THAT person lead?!
Speaking of leading, Krang is about to take over the world!
And Shredder is like, "I trusted you! I thought we were gonna be partners!"
"Dude, I'm a talking clitoris with pinkies. We've only known each other a few seconds. Why would you trust me?!"
"I don't know. (leans toward camera) Obvious moral about family?" (dramatic sting)
"Yeah, whatever. I'm gonna freeze you and turn you into a Smash Brothers trophy."
"Wait--" (is frozen)
But the Turtles stop Krang and the evil Shreddsicle, send the Technodrome back to we never said it was Dimension X, and the Turtles are finally accepted, kinda sorta.
"As police we applaud you, give you the key to the city, and yet we're not gonna tell anybody about you?"
"Yeah, it's kinda weird. The whole movie, we wanted to be human, but now we're just kind of like 'eh.'"
"No, really, there's a lot we can find out about each other. I mean, about science and DNA and evolution--"
"No! We will stay in the shadows in the best hiding spot possible: in the torch of the Statue of Liberty!"
So, "Out of the Shadows" was a lot of fun, even though I think the writers were smoking the same thing I was smoking.
But it's silly enough for your little kids--
Oh, I mean, uh, 13 and above! Yeah yeah, it's gritty stuff!
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, I'll get Tyler Perry in the sequel! "Madea: The Secret of the Ooze."