NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don't have to! As you all know, I love everything Nostalgic. But since Day 1 of starting this show everybody has been requesting me to do a certain CGI film that actually came out rather recently. A little film known as: TMNT.
Title card of TMNT and the footage of it are shown.
NC (Voiceover): I guess since I grow up with the other Ninja Turtle movies, everyone wants to know what I think of this newest one. And since the Ninja Turtles were a large part of my childhood I could technically include this as something nostalgic.
NC: Now I am not want to fall victim to peer pressure. I just do what everybody tells me in the hopes of feeling less insecure. So I have decided to review the latest installment of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle films. It any good? Is it as strange or as bad as some of the others? Well, let's take a look.
NC (Voiceover): So it starts off with our opening sequence, which apparently is so cheap, that they couldn't even bother to spell out the entire title. We get a narrator played by Laurence Fishburne who introduces us to our heroes.
Narrator: Four turtles. Genetically reborn in the sewers of New York.
NC: Wow. Brief.
NC (Voiceover): I mean geez. They expect us to buy this whole mutated turtle thing pretty quickly, don't they? Most people would consider that a little out of the norm. I mean, is the title the only real backstory we're gonna get about them? How the hell do you think they described the Star Wars trilogy?
The scene of Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader battling.
NC (Voiceover, mocking the narrator): A guy with the sword. His father.
Darth Vader cuts off Luke's hand.
NC (Voiceover, mocking the narrator): They... don't get along.
NC (Voiceover): This is like the briefest description of the Ninja Turtles ever. Imagine if you didn't know who the Ninja Turtles were. You'd swear you were high listening to this.
Narrator: Named after the great Renaissance masters and trained as ninjas. But now a greater evil is poised to destroy their very brotherhood. An evil born ... 3,000 years ago.
NC (as the narrator): Yeah. We thought the turtles story was kinda slow and a little lame, so we decided to make up another story. Enjoy.
Narrator: And a warrior king named Yolpo(?) lead a brotherhood. In his quest, the warrior learned of a constellation called the Stars of Keekan(?), opening a portal to a world of unknown power. Upon the portal's opening, 13 monsters were release into our world.
(Yeah, this is just what you think of in a Ninja Turtles movie, doesn't it)
NC: Uh. Are we still in the same movie?
NC (vo): When did we suddenly become "300?" I mean, you just glanced over the turtle's backstory. What makes you think we're gonna give a crap about this one?
(As a battle begins)
NC: For Gondor and Middle Earth!
(Battle scene shows with Lord of the Rings clips)
NC (vo): You know what I just realized? This isn't a movie. This is an intro to a fucking video game.
(Battle scene continues, then the subtitle "Press 'A' to Skip" appears in the corner)
Narrator: The warrior king was left to eternally walk the earth, unable to die or forget his horrible mistake.
(Cut to the next scene)
NC (vo): Central America? WHAT IS GOING ON?!
NC: If you didn't show me the credits, I'd swear I was still watching the trailers for five different movies.
NC (vo): So, OK. We're in Central America, now, I guess. The perfect setting for the Ninja Turtles, why not, as we see an evil crime lord who rules over the good people of a local village. He drives off in his jeep, but is stopped by a tree in the middle of the road.
Crime Lord: Remove it! (His men are suddenly captured by some unseen force) Why you. Show yourself.
Lackey: He punishes those who prey upon the weak. He's coming.
NC (with an Indian accent): It is the demon simply known as ... George of the Jungle.
NC (vo): No, it turns out to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja ... Chupacabra, who puts that evil criminal in his place. This draws the attention of April O'Neil, voiced by Sarah Michelle Gellar, who gave up her job as newsreporter and now has the popular occupation of ... Tomb Raider Adventure Huntress! I don't know. Her job is not fully explained.
(*It should be noted that April never was a reporter in this movie. At least not supposedly)
(April suddenly falls down a hole and is caught by somebody)
Voice: It's a long way from the city to just drop in.
(We pan to see our Ninja Turtle leader, Leonardo. We even get to see his name put under him)
NC: OK. So, they barely explain the turtles' backstory because apparently they're making this movie for the fans who already know it. The fans who know it SO WELL that they have to see the names of the turtles under them, so that they can tell which one is which. THAT MAKES SENSE!
NC (vo): So, Leonardo explains to April that he's in Central America because his master, Splinter, sent him there. Why? Because he needs to find his inner bullshit or something to lead the rest of the turtles properly. And how are the other turtles you make ask? Well, April fills us in that Donatello is a customer service rep for a computer company and Michelangelo is a children's party entertainer.
NC: Wait. Wait. Wait. The turtles have JOBS?! ... Well, I guess they have to get their pizza somehow, but, what? Were they stealing the money before? Are the checks sent to the sewers? Do they go to the bank? Do they apply online? What the hell am I talking about? TURTLES CAN'T GET JOBS!
NC (vo): Raphael, on the other hand, has turned into a reptile without a cause, as he continues to be doing what the turtles SHOULD be doing: fighting crime. Only he dresses up as a fearsome crimefighter simply known as the Nightwatcher. Because I guess a giant radioactive green monster just wasn't intimidating enough.
April: Your training period ended a year ago and Splinter says who don't write anymore.
Leo: Splinter sent me down here to become a better leader. I can't go back a failure. Besides, these people need me more than my brothers do.
NC (vo): Did we miss some movie somewhere? I mean, the last time I checked, they went time-travelling or some shit. When did all this self-discovery nonsense happen?
If it's not obvious by now, it should be known that this movie has NOTHING to do with the orignal cartoon OR the live action movies.
Leo: I don't know. I just know something's missing.
NC (vo): Like the plot that brought us here. So we cut back to New York as we see the other turtles doing their normal schtick: skateboarding, eating pizza, all that good stuff. But Mikey seems to miss the good ol' days.