TGWTG Team Brawl
(The Nostalgia Critic is standing on top of a building.)
NC (singing to the tune of "Oh what a beautiful morning" from Oklohoma): There's a bright, sunny day in Chicago. (He starts walking around on the building.) There's a bright, sunny day in Chicago... Corruptions as high as an elephant's eye... (Shows some skyscrapers.) And the meters cost $74.25... (Shows Rob Walker smacking a parking meter.) Oh, what an adequate morning! Oh, what an adequate day! I got an adequate feeling everything's going my way! Oh, what a... (speaking) FUCK ME! Video game music is interrupting his song.
(He looks to the side and notices the The Nerd on top of the same building. The Nerd is playing something on a Nintendo DS, but he looks up and notices the Critic. They both glare at each other.)
NC: NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER- (The Nerd punches him. NC falls to the ground. The punches NC some more before NC elbows The Nerd in the crotch. This causes The Nerd to back up, hiss like a cat, and run off. NC follows him, and a chase scene around Chicago begins. They both enter a large building, passing Mike Ellis and Mike Michaud. The Nerd presses an elevator button, and they stand in front of the elevator doors. The Nerd repeatedly presses the button, and the Critic punches him every time he does so. The elevator doors open and they get inside. They patiently wait for the elevator to take them to another floor(Elevator music plays while they wait-an homage to a scene in The Blues Brothers). They get off the elevator and run into a large room, where they continue fighting, Suddenly, the The Nostalgia Chick arrives and tackles the Nerd.)
Critic: Nostalgia Chick!
Chick: Come on, Critic! Let's kick some ass and get cynical.
(Nostalgia Chick helps him up. They both smile at each other then angrily kick the Nerd, who is still on the floor. All of a sudden, a guitar, held by somebody offscreen, hits the Critic in the back of the head. He falls to the ground, looks up, and sees Kyle Justin.)
Critic: Kyle Justin of KyleJustinMusic.com?!?
(He holds his guitar up heroically, a flash of lightning strikes it impressively. Chick tries to punch him, but Kyle uses his guitar to block it and then hits Chick with it. He then helps Nerd up.)
Kyle: Let's get him, Nerd.
Nerd: Well... thanks.
(Nerd starts stomping on Critic while Kyle beats him with his guitar.)
Offscreen voice: Hold it!
(Nerd and Kyle look to where the voice came from. It was Linkara.)
Linkara: Let the wussy go.
Critic: Hey, I will not let you talk about the Nostalgia Chick that way. (Nerd kicks him.)
Nerd (to Linkara): Yeah? What the hell are you gonna do about it?
(Linkara pulls out a fake gun from his jacket and points it to Nerd and Kyle.)
Nerd: A toy gun. What are you, some kind of idiot?
Linkara: I'm not an idiot! I AM A MAN! (He fires the gun. It knocks Kyle's hat off.)
Nerd: How the fuck did you do that?!?
Linkara: It's magic, bitch!
(Benzaie comes in from offscreen and punches Linkara. Linkara falls. Critic gets up.)
(He punches Nerd and Kyle. They fall.)
Critic: I knew you'd come to our aid! (Linkara gets up.) Now, quickly! Clench your fists in rage and swarm up for our side! (Benzaie punches Linkara again. He falls again.) He's...on our side... (Benzaie punches Critic.) What the hell, Benzaie?!?
Benzaie (speaks in French, but there are subtitles): "Sorry, Mr. Critic, but I'm a gamer first and a friend second..." (Nerd and Kyle get up.) "And quite frankly, Mr. Video Game Nerd is a God among gamers. So sorry, but I must deliver unto a world of pain."
Critic: Fortunately, I can read your subtitles, you backstabbing snail-eater! I hate you!
Benzaie: That's a shame... Because I loe you.
Offscreen voice: Not so fast, Frenchy!
(Benzaie looks to where it came from. It was Handsome Tom.)
Benzaie: Handsome Tom?!?
(8 Bit Mickey pops out from behind Tom.)
Mickey: And 8-bit Mickey!
Critic: Tom, is what this surrender monkey saying true?
Tom: I'm afraid it is, Critic. Most gamers are loyal to their fellow players and would stab their pals in the backs just to protect them.
Critic: Yeah, you're kinda douches that way.
Tom: But this is different. For Handsome Tom..,
Mickey: And 8-bit Mickey!
Tom: ...Have a score to settle with a certain individual I've known for a while...
(The camera zooms in on Nerd, but then quickly switches to Benzaie.)
Benzaie: Me? Why me?
Tom: Because you tried to defeat me at Street Fighter!
Benzaie: Yeah... I lost!
Tom: But you insulted my honor by even challenging me! Now it's time for Handsome Tom...
Mickey: And 8-bit Mickey!
Tom: ...To kick your ass!
(Little Miss Gamer arrives.)
LMG: I think not!
Tom: Stay out of this, LittleMissGamer! This doesn't concern you!
LMG: It concerns all gamers, Tom! You used to know that once... Remember your roots, Tom! Remember your roots!
(Tom thinks for a few seconds. Spoony comes in and Shoryukens LMG.)
Spoony: Roots, schmoots! We are here to rumble!
(That Aussie Guy arrives.)
Aussie: That's right, Spoony. We're here to teach these yankee pricks a lesson. By the way... whose side are you on?
Spoony: Well, actually, I consider myself a critic first and a gamer second, so... I guess I'm on the Critic's side.
Aussie: Then burn in hell! (Punches him.)
Critic: Hey, you leave that Yankee alone! (Punches Aussie. He falls, then looks up and sees MarzGurl.)
MG: Don't worry, NC. I've got him for ya.
(AngryJoe arrives and punches MG.)
(HopeWithinChaos arrives and punches Joe.)
Critic: The Epic Fail Guy!
(ThatChickWithTheGoggles arrives and punches Critic. He falls.)
Goggles: It's gamers untied, Critic, and ThatChickWithTheGoggles is ready to bring it! Isn't that right, Lee?
(Critic looks up and notices Lee. Lee is not in full-motion video, rather, just a bunch of pictures as he usually is.)
Critic: Et, Tu? Lee from StillGaming?
Lee: What can I say, Critic? You threaten one gamer, you threaten us all!
Paw: The same can be said for reviewers, my friend.
Paw: You threaten one of us, you threaten all of us!
(Bennett The Sage arrives.)
BTS: Then we will see who will emerge triumphant. (Puts his hand on Goggle's shoulder.) Won't we, ThatChickWithTheGoggles?
Goggles: Don't touch me.
BTS: Okay. (Takes his hand off.)
Offscreen voice: Heart!
(BTS and Goggles look to where it came from. It was Ma-Ti, from Captain Planet.)
Critic: Ma-Ti! From... Captain Planet?
Ma-Ti: Ah, I can sense you all!
(Goggles and BTS punch him. He falls.)
Critic: Leave that little... idiot... Mexican... thing alone!
(BTS kicks Ma-Ti.)
Critic: And all reviewers get on this side! (Moves to one side of the room.) Move it! Move it! Move it! Move it! WRAAAAAH!
Nerd: All gamers on this side! (Points to the other side of the room.) Now line up, you goddamn heathen bastards! Line up!
(Everybody goes to their respective side.)
Critic (to the reviewers): All right, everybody! Let's show those pixellated pansies who's boss!
Nerd (to the gamers): All right, listen up, you cockmunching maggots. We're not gonna fight with our hearts. We're gonna fight with our balls! So sound off like you've got a pair!
Critic (to the reviewers): People... I'm no good at making speeches and, uh... quite frankly, that's all I've got.
Nerd (to BTS): Hey, you! Wipe that asshole off your face! There's no assing around here! We don't even know the word "ass'! We annihilate all ass!
Critic (to the reviewers): But I'm sure there's a lot of motivational speeches you can remember. Uh... that one from Braveheart, that was good. Um... 300! That was a great speech, blew me away! Remember that! (The reviewers look confused.)
Nerd (to the gamers): I want you all to fight until every one of those motherfuckers hits the floor like diarrhea dump dropping out of a dog's asshole!
Critic (to the reviewers): Or how about those Lord of the Rings movies? I mean.,. there's a bunch of midgets fighting each other! There HAS to be a good speech about that!
Nerd (to the gamers): I'm gonna have you all eating fireworks and shitting firecrackers!
Critic (to Nerd): Hey, can you keep it down? I'm trying to be inspirational here!
(They both say "Fuck you" several times to each other.)
Critic (to the reviewers): So, um... buck up, drink milk, stay in school, and don't do drugs. LET'S GO! (to Nerd) All right, Nerd! No more "To be continued's! No more do-overs! It's time that we have the final battle... for the last time!
(Both sides glare at each other as everybody prepares for battle. Camera pans down both lines. Linkara is waving another one of his magic toy weapons.....Angry Joe scowls at the camera.....Spoony is talking on his cell phone....)
(Nerd lets out a lion-like roar. Both sides charge at each other and begin fighting. Tom punches Benzaie with extreme speed repeatedly. LMG and Mickey punch each other a few times. Critic charges towards Nerd while yelling, but Nerd holds out his arm and pushes on Critic's head, preventing him from getting close. Kyle swings his guitar to ward off Spoony and Mickey. Several people kick Ma-Ti while he yells, "Heart!". Joe screams angrily, strikes a few fighting poses, and runs towards Mickey. Mickey sticks out his fist and Joe runs into it. Lee beats Paw with a baseball bat. Spoony and Chick are about to fight Goggles and BTS, respectively.)
Spoony (to Chick): Actually, why don't you take Goggles and I'll take Bennett?
Spoony, : (shaking Chick by the shoulders) WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS, WOMAN! IT'S VITALLY IMPORTANT, JUST SWITCH!
(Chick and Goggles start fighting. It looks as though Spoony and BTS are about to fight, but they instead take out their cell phones and take pictures of the girls fighting. Linkara shoots at Goggles, but she ducks. Kyle attempts to hit MG with his guitar, but she blocks him and kicks him. Joe screams and strikes more poses, then punches HWC repeatedly. It doesn't even affect him.)
HWC: Dude, that was totally uncalled for.
(He punches Joe. Benzaie carries Tom as Tom punches him.)
Aussie: All right, mates. It's time to whip out the stereotype of doom!
(He pulls out a boomerang and throws it. It hits Linkara, Tom, MarzGurl, and Ma-Ti (who attempts to stop it by saying "Heart") before returning to him.)
Coldguy: It certainly is, RolloT. As you can see, all the fighters are destined to destroy one another...in an epic battle to the death..
(Linkara's hat lands nearby.)
Linkara (far away): My hat!
Rollo T tosses it back. Ma-Ti runs by, yelling, "Heart".)
Dr. Gonzo: I'm sure glad our egos only extend to podcasts as opposed to videos or else we would be getting our asses kicked in this ugly mess.
Rollo T: Right you are, Gonzo.
(Joe stumbles to where they are. Coldguy punches him in the face. Critic stumbles through the fighting crowd and walks up to Goggles.)
Critic: Hey, are you on my team?
(Critic punches her. Nerd backs into him. They both face each other and get into fighting positions.)
Critic: All right, Nerd. Let's pick up where we left off!
Nerd: You mean with me kicking your ass?
Critic: Shut up!
(Mortal Kombat style, the words "Round 2" and "Fight!" appear on-screen. Nerd punches Critic in the stomach and elbows him to the ground.)
Rollo T: We have a special guest with us to talk about this brawl, TheCat. Cat, tell me, what do you notice about this fight?
The Cat: Well, I certainly notice the two music people, Kyle Justin and Paw beating the crap out of each other.
(Shows the two fighting.)
Cat: I also notice Benzaie putting up a good fight against Handsome Tom.
(Benzaie is quickly punching Tom and Mickey.)
Mickey: And 8-bit Mickey!
Cat: But the biggest draw of course, is Video Game Nerd and Nostalgia Critic.
(Nerd tackles Critic.)
Cat: As the Nerd is apparently uppercutting the Critic's jaw... (A loud punch and Critic groaning is is heard offscreen) And slamming him to the ground... (A thud and another groan are heard.) And finally... (Critic loudly screams) ...nailing him in the privates.
Dr. Gonzo: Well, you certainly have a lot to write about, Cat.
(Linkara and MG both have one of their arms around the other's neck.)
Linkara: I AM A MAN!
MG: So am I!
(Linkara looks confused, as if to say "You ARE????".)
MG: Gotcha. Pansy power!
(She punches him in the stomach. They fight until BTS walks up to them.)
BTS: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Aren't you two on the same team?
Linkara: He's right.
(Linkara and MG punch him. Joe screams and strikes more poses until Critic shoots him. Chick is cornered by LMG and Aussie. They charge towards her.)
Chick: Big-Lipped Alligator Moment!
(LMG is turned into a reptile wearing a dress, BTS's and Chick's clothes change - both of them are wearing hats now, Chick is holding a stuffed animal, and yodeling music plays as all three of them dance while the Big-Lipped Alligator Moment logo appears. Chick uses this as an opportunity to punch the two and escape. Cuts to HPC, who is fighting with Mike Dodd.)
HWC: Who the hell are you?!?
Mike: Just heard there was a fight! (Punches HWC.)
(Cuts to Nerd, who angrily slams a card onto a table. He and Critic are playing Geek Fight. NC puts a card down.)
Nerd: No, no, no. That trumps you.
Critic: It doesn't trump me!
Nerd: That's a higher value!
Critic: No, no, no, that's not a higher value!
Nerd: Yeah, it is, look. (Holds up card he put down.) You see that right there?
Critic: FUCK THIS GAME! (Pulls out his gun and shoots at Nerd.)
(They both get up. Nerd dodges the bullets and throws a pen at Critic, knocking the gun out of his hand. The two charge towards each other. Nerd grabs Critic's tie and punches him repeatedly. He then bends down and quickly punches Critic in the crotch repeatedly. Critic's head bends down in slow motion, a look of intense pain plastered on his face. Critic kicks him and stumbles away.)
Critic (high-pitched): I'M IN PAIN!
(Kyle and Benzaie each grab one of his arms, slam him onto the table, and start sliding him across. Nerd puts his fist on the other end of the table. Kyle and Benzaie quickly slide Critic into Nerd's fist.)
Gonzo: Ooh, he had to have felt that one!
(Chester A. Bum walks up to Nerd.)
Chester: You leave that nice Mister McCritic alone!
(He punches the Nerd, who falls. He starts kicking him. Critic sees his gun on the ground nearby, grins and gets off the table to grab it.)
Nerd: [unintelligible] Retarded bum!
Chester: I'm gonna knock you upside your head, bitch!
(Nerd gets some coins out of his pocket and tosses them offscreen. Chester chases after it.)
(Critic fires towards Nerd.)
Critic: Eat lead, you festering sack of whore!
(Nerd pulls out a Nintendo Super Scope from behind his back. The two men advance towards and fire towards each other. Critic shoots the Super Scope out of Nerd's hands. Ma-Ti picks it up.)
Critic: Look out! Ma-Ti is packing!
(Ma-Ti starts firing towards the crowd of fighting people while yelling, "Heart!" The people dodge the shots.)
Ma-Ti: Suck my big fat fucking HEART! (Fires some more. Chester is the only one who is hit. The Super Scope runs out of ammo. Ma-Ti throws it on the ground.)
Ma-Ti (depressed): I'm so alone...!
(Crying, he walks over to Goggles, who holds him.)
Goggles: There, there, Ma-Ti...there, there.
(Super Mecha Death Christ enters the room.)
SMDC: FUCKERS! FUCKERS!
Nerd: HOLY SHIT. Yeah, that's Super Mecha Death Christ!
(Loud thumping is heard and the room shakes with every thump.)
Tom: What the hell is that?
(Mickey jumps onto Tom's shoulders. Benzaie and Joe hold hands in fear. MG rolls up the blinds on a window near her. Everybody looks afraid, except for Critic, who is evilly smiling.)
Critic: That's Giant Robotic Donkey Kong Jesus riding a puff of smoke.
(It appears outside (It previously appeared in Cloverfield Trailer Review) and roars like Godzilla a few times.)
Critic: Now THAT'S what the Cloverfield monster should have been!
(It roars again.)
SMDC: DONKEY KONG JESUS!
(SMDC goes outside and grows to super-size to fight DK Jesus. Everybody in the room cheers on their side's monster. SMDC repeatedly yells "FUCKERS!" as he fires a bullet at DK Jesus. DK throws a barrel at SMDC.)
Chester: Go, Super Mecha Kerblooey Jesuses!
(DK spits fire at SMDC.)
(He shoots lightning out of his eyes at DK. The people continue rooting for them. The two Jesuses charge towards each other.)
SMDC: DIE! EVERYBODY DIE! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKERS!
(They collide and there is a huge explosion. It clears up and both of them are gone. Everybody stares in awe for a few seconds and resumes fighting. MarzGurl tugs on Linkara's nose. LMG and Chick have a pillow fight. Chester bites somebody's leg. Critic and Nerd repeatedly punch each other.)
Offscreen voice: Hold it!
(Everybody stops fighting and looks to where the voice came from. It was AskThatGuy.)
Glasses: Now, I may not claim to know everything, but there are some things that I know for sure. And war is never the answer. (to Nerd and Critic) You two, do you even remember what you were fighting about all this time?
Nerd and Critic: (stare each other down before putting their hitting arms down) No...
Glasses: Then why are we all fighting? This isn't a time for violence. This is a time for unity. For everybody to bring their creativity together to create something new and better. And all you other gamers and reviewers, there isn't any war to be fought or even any winners to be had. Only losers.
Critic (to Nerd): You know, he's right! We shouldn't hate each other. We should join forces to hate other things!
Nerd: Maybe we could do a review.
Critic: I'd like that.
(They shake hands.)
Glasses: In fact, I think there's a lot of you who want to do crossovers, aren't there? Because everybody really eats that shit up!
Glasses: So come on, people. Let's join together and take a picture to show everybody how truly united we are.
(They agree and walk to one side of the room. Ma-Ti is stopped by Glasses.)
Glasses: Ah, not you, Ma-Ti.
(He dejectedly walks away.)
Nerd: Well here's to... whatever the hell we review, Critic.
Critic: You've got it, Nerd!
(Glasses is holding a digital camera and faces towards everybody else.)
Glasses: Smile, everybody.
(Everybody strikes a pose as Glasses takes a picture. "TGWTG.COM" appears at the bottom of the screen. The credits roll to "Everybody Needs Somebody" from Blues Brothers.)