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The Swan Princess
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File:Http://a.images.blip.tv/NostalgiaCritic-NostalgiaCriticSwanPrincess692.jpg | |
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Released
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April, 22nd 2014
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Running Time
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26:38
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Previous Review
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Next Review
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The Lorax
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Link
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We do the usual opening to the Nostalgia Critic, before cutting to the Critic at his desk.
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it so you don't have to. A Warner Brothers animated film that isn't "The Iron Giant"? Pfft! Sold!
"The Swan Princess" title screen is displayed before various clips from the movie are shown.
NC (VO): I honestly think from day one I've been getting requests to review this movie. While I don't know anyone that sees the 1994 adaptation of "Swan Lake" as the worst thing ever, it does carry this awkwardness that just enough people saw it to make (displays covers of...) four more direct-to-DVD offering awkwardnessess. It also helped that the movie, at the time, was very well advertised. Every other kids show had a commercial for this playing in between, but also keep in mind that at the time the only animation studio making any kind of profit back then was Disney. (At Least In Movies) And just the same way Disney re-released (cuts to commercial for...) "The Little Mermaid" for a limited time when (cuts to commercial for...) "Anastasia" posed a threat, (back to clips from "The Swan Princess") guess what movie only five months after its premiere they decided to re-release on the exact same day--(cuts to poster for "The Lion King") DOH! Highest grossing movie Disney's ever made at the time! (back to clips from "The Swan Princess") What lousy luck! What are the chances we just happened to re-release this film on the exact same weekend?
Cut to clip from "The Fugitive".
Samuel Gerard: That company's a monster.
Back to clips from "The Swan Princess".
NC (VO): But after it went to video, kids were still kinda curious whether or not there was anything worth watching in it.
NC: The answer? Well, let's take a look for ourselves; this is the long-requested "Swan Princess."
NC (VO): The film opens up once upon every fairy tale backwash as an old king awaits the birth of his first child.
Narrator: He was growing old and had no child to inherit the throne. Then, happily, a daughter was born, and she was given the name Odette.
King William then shows his newborn daughter to a crowd of people
NC (VO): (as King William) Here's to the assumption that her mother died in birth! (as the crowd, flatly) Yay. (normal) Many come from across the land to visit the newborn,,,(cut to newborn Odette somehow already having hair)...three-year-old and the king forms a plan with a queen from another kingdom to play matchmaker with their kids. But an evil sorcerer named Rothbart...
NC: (looks confused) ...whose name is so strange I need more time to think of a proper joke for it...
NC (VO): ...apparently has other plans.
Narrator: For he was preparing to take William's kingdom by means of the Forbidden Arts.
NC (VO): (as the narrator) Through the evil leprechaun magic of pink hearts, yellow moons, green clovers, and blue diamonds. They're magically diabolical. (normal) Though is scheme is stopped, our villain, played by the late Jack Palance, swears his life to get revenge.
Rothbart: Someday I'll get my power back, and when I do...everything you love will be mine!
NC: (as Carl Grissom from 1989's Batman) You are my number one guy!
NC (VO): So a young Odette and a young Derek are forced to hang out with each other. But, as is typical of any 90's romance, they of course have to hate each other throughout the majority of the process.
Derek: (singing) I can't believe I'm stuck with her all summer.
Odette: (singing) I bet he doesn't wrestle, hunt, or box.
NC (VO): Now, to its credit, the fact that they're bitter kids does make this scene work a little better, and, yeah, it's actually kind of a cute number. That is, when they're not obviously ripping off other Disney trademarks.
Bromley: (singing) I think you really sort of like her. Fess up.
NC: (coughs) Beauty and the Beast! (A clip of Beauty of the Beast showing a similarity between LeFou and Bromley)
(Cut to a scene over a village)
NC: (coughs) Pinocchio! (Clip from Pinocchio that looks similar to the village shown in this movie)
(Cut to Derek and Odette dancing in a ballroom that changes into a pink background)
NC: (coughs) So obviously Sleeping Beauty! I can't believe you're ripping off Sleeping Beauty! Have you no shame? (Clip of Sleeping Beauty with Aurora and Phillip dancing similarly to how Derek and Odette are dancing) (NC looks around and coughs)
Odette: (singing) This is not my...
Derek: (singing) This isn't my idea...
Both: (at the same time, singing) of fun!
NC (VO): But then, quite literally out of nowhere, they suddenly love each other. Again, I guess like most 90's romances.
Derek: (singing) She started out as such an ugly duckling, then somehow suddenly became a swan.
NC (VO): Oh, now isn't that a charming lesson? Years of hate and abuse are fine in a relationship as long as your sexual urges deem your partner a sweet piece of ass.
NC: Hey, it worked in Meg Ryan films and she turned out just fine... (cust to a current picture of Meg Ryan) Don't do what they do in Meg Ryan films!
Derek: Arrange the marriage!
NC (VO): Arrange the marriage? They've been arranging it practically since you were a sperm!
Odette: Wait!
(The music that an orchestra is playing stops)
Derek: What? You're all I ever wanted. You're beautiful.
Odette: But what else?
Derek: What else? What else is there?
(Rogers makes a buzzer noise as he gives a thumbs down, then we see Odette growing sad as we fade to Odette and King William leaving Queen Uberta's castle)
NC (VO): (as Derek) Wait! Wait, I know this one! Um, I can put my dick in you! Uh, you're sizzling arm candy! Um, you're a means to my incredibly shallow end!
King William: We tried, Uberta. No one can say we didn't try.
Queen Uberta: All these years of planning WASTED!
NC: (VO) Yes, the parents should be very upset that a couple who hated each other, yet were forced to be together, still end up hating each other. Clearly, this is all the children's fault.
Rogers: You must see something other than Odette's beauty.
Derek: Of course I do, Rogers. She's like... You know! How about... And then... I mean, right?
(Rogers gives an unimpressed look)
NC: Look, she makes my hose jump, okay? It's the middle ages. Love is like an appetizer: Good to start out with but not essential.
NC (VO): But little do they know that Rothbart...
NC: It's like the sound you make when you hiccup and belch. (fakes a hiccup) Roth... (fakes a belch) Bart!
NC (VO): ...turns into an evil animal and take Odette away. Derek arrives on the scene.
Derek: Who did this?
King William: (dying) A g-great... animal. It's not what it seems...it's not...what it seems.
NC: (as the king) We're not Disney! No matter how hard we try to make it look, we will never be Disney!
Derek: Where is Odette?
King William: (dying) Odette is...Odette...
NC: (confused) Well, I know she's Odette but that doesn't answer my question. (rimshot)
King William: Gone.... (he dies)
Derek: ODETTE!!!
NC (VO): (as Derek) I will forever miss your beauty and nothing else!!! (Cut to Rothbart) So we discover that the evil Rothbart...
NC: Sounds like a gay porno with the lead singer of Van Halen. (A picture of a DVD cover of a gay porno called Roth/Bart is shown with David Lee Roth and Bart the Bear on the cover)
NC (VO): ...has kidnapped Odette and has whisked her away to the horrible, devastating, prettiest evil lair banishment can buy. (Rothbart's lair is shown) Why the fuck does he want the king's land? He's living in a resort by Thomas Kinkade.
Rothbart: Now don't let my little spell make you sad, Odette. It doesn't even last the whole day.
NC (VO): So he turns her into a swan, but apparently the moonlight only on the lake can change her back to normal. He also reveals that the confession of one's true love is the only thing that will stop the transformation.
Rothbart: What I really want is your father's kingdom.
Odette: Take it, then. You have enough power.
Rothbart: Once you steal something, you spend your whole life fighting to keep it. If I married the only heir to the throne, we'll rule your father's kingdom together.
Odette: Never!
Rothbart: Where are you going? As soon as moonlight leaves the lake, you turn back into a swan.
(Odette starts crying)
NC: Wow. I mean...wow. You've been waiting over what...10 years...to put this this plan together, and that's...that's your big magnum opus that you finally scrounged up? (sighs) Alright, come in here. Come in here. (Malcolm Ray and Tamara Chambers enter) I'm sorry. It's just that I need help to get this out as quickly as possible because there are just too damn many to go through. So, without further ado...
(Title screen that says "Everything Wrong with This Plan in Under 40 Seconds." The timer starts.)
NC (VO): Everything wrong with this plan in under 40 seconds!
NC: GO!
Malcolm: If she did agree, what's to stop her from changing her mind after the spell is broken?
Tamara: If Odette is a swan, what's to stop her from flying away and communicating with someone by writing in the sand?
NC: If he wants to marry her legally, why doesn't he just hypnotise her to say yes?
Malcolm: The only way to break the spell is a person confessing their love. Why? Seems counterproductive to the plan.
Tamara: What's to stop her human form sneaking up behind him and knocking the fucker out?
NC: Is there really no law to marrying banished people? Kinda seems like a no brainer.
Malcolm: He disappears in the day doing nothing. Why doesn't he do something?
Tamara: Couldn't he threaten someone she loves to force her to marry him? She doesn't really have an incentive.
NC: If he can change anyone into anything, why doesn't he change anyone into anything? He can make himself look like the king. He can make someone else look like Odette. There's a million other ways around this... (Time runs out) Oh! That's it! But, thank you guys so much, now back to the closet until I need you again.
Tamara: But it smells like dead armpit in there.
NC: GO!
(NC puts Malcolm and Tamara in the closet and closes the door)
NC: I'll use you next time i have a Sam and Max joke.
Malcolm: He never makes enough of those.
NC (VO): So Derek tests his skills by having an arrow shoot at him. One can only hope this leads to a Saint Sebastian homage.
NC: You don't even know who that is, do you? (Google home page is shown) DON'T GO TO GOOGLE! YOUR SOUL KNOWS THE TRUTH!!!
(The guy shoots the arrow and Derek catches it, then shoots the arrow, hitting the apple on the knight's head.)
NC (VO): Uh, yeah...can we get the judge's take on that?
(A judging panel consisting of Legolas, Katniss Everdeen, and Hawkeye is shown. All of them hold up the word "Bullshit" on their cards)
NC (VO): That's what I thought. Even for a fantasy aimed at 2 year olds, that's pretty fucking stupid. But, he also practices his hunting skills on some of his servants. And sadly, it's not as violent as you would think.
(Derek chases his servants and shoots arrows at them. One of them falls down a hill.)
NC (VO): (sighs) 5 episodes of Animaniacs were given up to bring you this. Now we'll never see the episode where Pinky and the Brain kiss. (An image of Pinky and Brain kissing is shown)
Servant: Lord Rogers, I must object. We are musicians.
Servants: (singing) We are a band and not a band of animals. This masquerade...
Servant: (singing) ...is more than I could bear.
NC: Um...Is this really warranting of a song?
NC (VO): Do these characters we've never seen before and won't see again demand a musical interpretation of their emotional struggle? Well, something you'll discover is remember how even though it was kinda corny, the child characters were distinct, memorable, and even surprisingly enjoyable? Well, that was before they remembered "Oh yeah! We're Diet Disney! Anything that was different and unique has to be tossed out for one calorie of the enjoyment!" Because of this, Odette and Derek have little to no personality from this point on. (Clip of them as children are shown) Yeah. See how expressive they are? See how funny they are? See how different from any other animated fim at the time they seem to be? Chuck it. Now watching our characters is like seeing an unsalted cracker propose to a sheet of sandpaper. Nothing stands out about them at all, and that somehow is supposed to make you care about them. So, to make up for how incredibly boring they are, they give all the colorful songs to hastily rushed comic relief that serve no purpose whatsoever in the story. Like, "The Coach Servants Song."
Coach Servants: (singing) Girls would walk around or even crawl
NC (VO): "The Women We Know Aren't Gonna Marry Derek So There's No Purpose to Them At All Song"
Singer: (singing) Princesses on Parade!
NC (VO): And of course a song so desperate to be popular they named they named it after a dying 90s T-shirt franchise.
Characters: (singing) No Fear!
Speed: (singing) Our backs are to the wall.
Characters: (singing) No Fear!
NC: Not that I'm complaining. (NC is shown wearing a No Fear T-shirt) Keep it alive, people. (Pounds the left side of his chest with one hand twice) Keep it alive.
NC (VO): That last song by the was is sung by Diet Disney comic relief as well. One is a frog voiced by John Cleese doing a god awful Lumiere impression.
Jean-Bob: (French accent) Ha! What a love dance! I don't want these flowers. I must have those.
NC: I don't know. I like his other French take better.
French Taunter: (audio from Monty Python & the Holy Grail plays over Jean-Bob) I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries! Now, go away or I'll shall taunt you a second time!
NC (VO): And an upbeat old turtle voiced by...
Speed: Why don't you just give her these flowers? These are pretty.
NC (VO): ...oh God shit, are you serious? Steven Wright?
Speed: Friends call me Speed./Ready for action, Sir./Hey batter, batter./Have a nice flight.
NC: Okay, you dumbasses that put a Brit as a Frenchman, I'm not against this guy as an actor at all. Far from it. I'm sure he can be great, but you have to put a fitting voice with a fitting character.
NC (VO): The turtle is usually smiling, always getting involved, and feels a constant need to help people. (Clip of Steven Wright doing stand up) Would you choose this guy for that?
Steven Wright: She said if you could know when and how you were gonna die would you wanna know? I said no. She said forget it then.
NC (VO): He's the only actor who can completely not try for a role and you would never know the difference.
NC: Unless your character is called Depressy Duck (image is shown) or Suicidal Salamander (image is shown) IT'S NOT GONNA WORK!
Odette: I can only kiss the man I love, and then he--
Jean-Bob: Must make a vow of everlasting love, I know!
Odette: And prove it to the world.
NC (VO): Prove it to the world? Wow. That's a pretty egotistical spell you got there. Don't a lot of Hollywood couples try that and does it usually turn out very good for them?
Odette: (singing) Derek, you and I were meant to be...
NC (VO): But, hey, that would be indicating that this movie knows nothing about real love, and hell, we all know that's not true. Take this scene where our couple sings about how much they love one another, even though they left on bad terms, called off a wedding, 90% of what we saw convinces us why they shouldn't be together and absolutely nothing about them has changed at all.
NC: Um... True Love? (A picture of a heart and a sad face is shown. "True Love? Eh?" is written on the heart)
NC (VO): Yeah, there's nothing in this movie outside of one look where they ever share any chemistry. Remember when Odette wants Derek to say something he likes about her aside from her beauty?
Odette: Is beauty all that matters to you?
Derek: What else is there?
NC (VO): No, the more I think about it, I'm siding with him. What else is there? Nothing stands out about you two that makes you interesting at all. If this movie can't explain what else about them is supposed to be unique, why should the characters? Disney developed more on screen charisma with characters that you only knew for a few days. You guys had a fucking childhood to develop their romance and you still ended up botching it. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
Odette and Derek: (singing, at the same time) I'll never be alone
(Caption that says "or intersting" appears with an accompanying buzzing noise)
NC: (VO) So Derek is bound to figure out what the king's last words meant by the Great Animal: it's not what it seems.
Derek: An animal that can change it's shape. A harmless creature approaches... Then, suddenly, it's too late.
Bromley: You mean... You mean it could be anything?
Derek: Anything.
'NC: '(VO) Okay, I guess that's a clue, but what're you gonna do about it?
Bromley: How will you know the Great Animal when you see it?
Derek: I'll know.
NC: (VO) That's right. They go around to random animals, any fucking random animals, and just start shooting at them. Heck, he even goes after Odette trying to avenge Odette.
Derek: A swan! Of course. This one's for Odette! (shoots at Odette) (Puffin pushes Odette out of the way)
NC: (VO) What the fuck is wrong with these people?! This is both stupid and insane! Even the McCarthy trials weren't quite this ludicrous!
Joseph McCarthy: (voiced by NC) Mr. Rooster, are you the Great Animal?
Rooster: Um... no?
Joseph McCarthy: Yes you are. (shoots an arrow at the rooster) Ms. Kitty, are you the Great Animal?
Cat: Um... yes?
Joseph McCarthy: Nice try. (shoots an arrow at the cat) Mr. Mal, are you the Great Animal?
(Animal from The Muppet Show)
Animal: Animal always great!
Joseph McCarthy: Wrong answer. (shoots an arrow at Animal) Mr. Worm, are you the Great Animal?
Worm: Well, my friends always call me great.
Joseph McCarthy: Whatever. Take this. (shoots an arrow at the worm)
Worm: Ha! It'll take more than- (gets shot with a dozen more arrows) That ought to do it!
NC: (VO) I mean, do they have any braincells in them?! Any logical thinking?!
NC: I mean it makes no fucking sense! Anyone could be the Great Animal! I could be the Great Animal! (Derek shoots at NC) (NC dodges arrow) (woman screams off screen) Hey chill, you fucking maniac! (Derek shoots at NC again) (NC dodges again) (man off screen groans in pain) Hey, put the safety on that thing! (Derek shoots at NC a third time) (NC dodges again) (another woman screams) I'm sorry, we've gotta take a break. We'll be right back. (NC dodges another arrow as he gets up and leaves) (cat screeches offscreen) You're just looking for an excuse to shoot things! You're like the NRA! (another arrow whizes offscreen) (NC screams as the arrow hits him)
(screen fades to black as we go to commercial)