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''(The title for ''Superman Returns'' is shown, followed by footage of it. Dozens of posters of various superhero movies, both made before and after this movie, are also shown in the opening thoughts)''
  
''(The title for ''Superman Returns'' is shown, followed by footage of it. Dozens of posters of various superhero movies, both made before and after this movie, are also shown in the opening thoughts)''
   
−
'''NC (vo):''' In 2006, with almost 20 years since [[Superman IV|the last ''Superman'' movie]], and several bizarre attempts with ''(Images of Nicolas Cage, Robert Downey, Jr., and Ben Affleck are superimposed)'' several bizarre people gone awry, ''Superman Returns'' settled on the master of comic book movies... ''(A rapid-fire montage of comic book movie producers is shown, before settling on Bryan Singer)'' ...at the time, Bryan Singer. He achieved surprising success with the [[X-Men (NC)|first two]] ''[[X2: X-Men United|X-Men]]''[[X2: X-Men United| films]], so he seemed like a good middle-of-the-road choice for the Man of Steel. The only problem was, it was 2006. While superhero movies were just starting to make a comeback, they were nowhere ''near'' the powerhouse they are today. People didn't exactly know what the best way to handle them was, so they were mostly played pretty safe. Say what you will about comic book films after, but there's no doubt several of them pushed the envelope. Before then, even the biggest hits didn't take that many risks. ''Superman Returns'' might be the crowning achievement of playing it too safe. While certainly tapping on ideas that could be made interesting, it retreaded way too much of what's already been done before, resulting in a major bore-fest. Audiences mainly said the deep stuff is fine, but Superman doesn't even throw a punch in this, causing the film to majorly underperform at the box office. So, what happened to turn arguably the most popular superhero of all time into an excuse to catch some super Zs?
+
'''NC (vo):''' In 2006, with almost 20 years since [[Superman IV|the last ''Superman'' movie]], and several bizarre attempts with ''(Images of Nicolas Cage, Robert Downey, Jr., and Ben Affleck are superimposed)'' several bizarre people gone awry, ''Superman Returns'' settled on the master of comic book movies... ''(A rapid-fire montage of comic book movie producers is shown, before settling on Bryan Singer)'' ...at the time, Bryan Singer. He achieved surprising success with the [[X-Men (NC)|first two]] ''[[X2: X-Men United|X-Men]]''[[X2: X-Men United| films]], so he seemed like a good middle-of-the-road choice for the Man of Steel. The only problem was, it was 2006. While superhero movies were just starting to make a comeback, they were nowhere ''near'' the powerhouse they are today. People didn't exactly know what the best way to handle them was, so they were mostly played pretty safe. Say what you will about comic book films after, but there's no doubt several of them pushed the envelope. Before then, even the biggest hits didn't take that many risks. ''Superman Returns'' might be the crowning achievement of playing it too safe. While certainly tapping on ideas that could be made interesting, it retreaded way too much of what's already been done before, resulting in a major bore-fest. Audiences mainly said the deep stuff is fine, but Superman doesn't even throw a punch in this, causing the film to majorly underperform at the box office. So, what happened to turn arguably the most popular superhero of all time into an excuse to catch some ''(An image of the Superman logo is superimposed, but with a Z instead of an S)'' super Zs?
   
 
''(NC is shown coming into his review room)''
  
''(NC is shown coming into his review room)''
   
−
'''NC: '''Let's talk about this two-and-a-half hour snoozer, as nobody else who talked about it I think could actually stay awake.
 +
'''NC:''' Let's talk about this two-and-a-half hour snoozer, as nobody else who talked about it I think could actually stay awake.
   
 
''(The nerdy woman suddenly wakes up)''
  
''(The nerdy woman suddenly wakes up)''
   
−
'''Nerdy woman: '''What? Oh. Uh, yeah, I tried, but I guess no one can get through this without falling asleep.
 +
'''Nerdy woman:''' What? Oh. Uh, yeah, I tried, but I guess no one can get through this without falling asleep.
   
 
''(The Chart Guy is shown holding a pillow and a blanket)''
  
''(The Chart Guy is shown holding a pillow and a blanket)''
   
−
'''Chart Guy: '''I just thought that a pillow and blanket were required when discussing anything about this movie.
 +
'''Chart Guy:''' I just thought that a pillow and blanket were required when discussing anything about this movie.
   
−
'''NC: '''''(sighs) ''Let's snore our way through this with ''Superman Returns''.
+
'''NC:''' ''(sighs)'' Let's snore our way through this with ''Superman Returns''.
   
 
''(The Chart Guy immediately falls asleep)''
  
''(The Chart Guy immediately falls asleep)''
   
−
'''Chart Guy: '''''(snoring) ''Charts, charts, charts, charts...
 +
'''Chart Guy:''' ''(snoring)'' Charts, charts, charts, charts...
  +
  +
''(The movie begins on the planet Krypton, Superman's home planet)''
  +
  +
'''NC (vo):''' Okay, let's talk about, in my opinion, the biggest problem with the movie, and it's right at the beginning...
  +
  +
'''NC:''' Superman missing for years.
  +
  +
'''NC (vo):''' The excuse they go with is, astronomers discovered distant remains of Krypton and he vanished.
  +
  +
'''NC:''' Kinda weird, but I guess it could be interesting...
  +
  +
'''NC (vo):''' ...if we see the mindset, what led up to it, the choice of leaving his new home and the people he loves to possibly connect with the past one.
  +
  +
''(Instead, it's all explained with simple text on the screen)''
  +
  +
'''NC (vo):''' Nah, just text it to us! ''(Green arrows point out Superman's disappearance, told in a single sentence)'' In fact, only ''one'' sentence explained what happened; the rest reminds us what we already know! Is anyone going into a Superman movie really not aware of this information?
  +
  +
'''NC:''' It's like starting off ''[[The Dark Knight]]'' with...
  +
  +
''(Text pops up reading: "Bruce Wayne is the guy dressed as a bat". Then after a beat, another word is added: "Dumbass")''
   
 
{{Stub}}
  
{{Stub}}

Revision as of 01:48, 5 July 2020

Superman Returns

Superman returns nc

Release Date
June 10, 2020
Running Time
33:31
Previous Review
Next Review
Link

(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, followed by the NC title sequence. Then we open on NC sitting on his couch at home, with his laptop computer on his lap. He sees on YouTube the teaser trailer for Superman Returns, from the Trailer Guy)

NC: Man, I remember that being a good teaser.

(He clicks on the video, and it plays)

Jor-El (voiced by Doug): Even though you have been raised as a human being, you are not one of them. (NC nods) They can be a great people, if they wish to be. I have sent them you, my son. (NC mouths, "Fucking awesome!", as the Superman logo appears) Superman.

NC: Man, that still holds up. Too bad the movie sucks ass.

(He clicks on something on YouTube, and several videos on how bad Superman Returns was are shown)

NC: The hell is this? I watched one Superman Returns video. It doesn't mean that's all I want to see.

(He clicks on another part of the YouTube site, only to come up with even more Superman Returns videos. NC groans and then clicks on the "Trending" page, which seems to be trolling NC now, because it consists of nothing but Superman Returns videos)

NC: No, Superman Returns will never be trending!

(He then does a search on news, and several videos on the Snyder Cut come up)

NC: Okay, that's a little different.

(He clicks on a video, and a nerdy woman in glasses, played by Tamara, appears)

Nerdy woman: Hey, movie nerds! Today, I want to talk about the Snyder Cut and how it's not Superman Returns.

NC: (confused) What the shit?

Nerdy woman: Now, I for one am shocked that's not Superman Returns. I mean, everything pointed to the Snyder Cut being Superman Returns. (NC stares in shock) ...Superman Returns!

(NC sighs and clicks on another video. This one is hosted by one of the Chart Guys (played by Malcolm))

Chart Guy: Today on "But the Chart Says...", we're going to be taking a look at the likelihood of the Snyder Cut becoming a hit. (NC sighs with relief) But seeing as how you clicked on a Superman Returns video, every video you see now has to be about that.

NC: (incredulously) How do you even know that?!

Chart Guy: You might be wondering to yourself how I would even know that. Well, if you look at the chart...

(He gestures toward a chart, which has appeared in the corner, which reads, "CLICK ON YOUTUBE VIDEOS = ALL RECOMMENDED VIDEOS WILL BE ABOUT THAT". NC sighs and throws his head around in frustration, realizing there is no other way out)

NC: All right, I guess I'm talking about Superman Returns.

(The title for Superman Returns is shown, followed by footage of it. Dozens of posters of various superhero movies, both made before and after this movie, are also shown in the opening thoughts)

NC (vo): In 2006, with almost 20 years since the last Superman movie, and several bizarre attempts with (Images of Nicolas Cage, Robert Downey, Jr., and Ben Affleck are superimposed) several bizarre people gone awry, Superman Returns settled on the master of comic book movies... (A rapid-fire montage of comic book movie producers is shown, before settling on Bryan Singer) ...at the time, Bryan Singer. He achieved surprising success with the first two X-Men films, so he seemed like a good middle-of-the-road choice for the Man of Steel. The only problem was, it was 2006. While superhero movies were just starting to make a comeback, they were nowhere near the powerhouse they are today. People didn't exactly know what the best way to handle them was, so they were mostly played pretty safe. Say what you will about comic book films after, but there's no doubt several of them pushed the envelope. Before then, even the biggest hits didn't take that many risks. Superman Returns might be the crowning achievement of playing it too safe. While certainly tapping on ideas that could be made interesting, it retreaded way too much of what's already been done before, resulting in a major bore-fest. Audiences mainly said the deep stuff is fine, but Superman doesn't even throw a punch in this, causing the film to majorly underperform at the box office. So, what happened to turn arguably the most popular superhero of all time into an excuse to catch some (An image of the Superman logo is superimposed, but with a Z instead of an S) super Zs?

(NC is shown coming into his review room)

NC: Let's talk about this two-and-a-half hour snoozer, as nobody else who talked about it I think could actually stay awake.

(The nerdy woman suddenly wakes up)

Nerdy woman: What? Oh. Uh, yeah, I tried, but I guess no one can get through this without falling asleep.

(The Chart Guy is shown holding a pillow and a blanket)

Chart Guy: I just thought that a pillow and blanket were required when discussing anything about this movie.

NC: (sighs) Let's snore our way through this with Superman Returns.

(The Chart Guy immediately falls asleep)

Chart Guy: (snoring) Charts, charts, charts, charts...

(The movie begins on the planet Krypton, Superman's home planet)

NC (vo): Okay, let's talk about, in my opinion, the biggest problem with the movie, and it's right at the beginning...

NC: Superman missing for years.

NC (vo): The excuse they go with is, astronomers discovered distant remains of Krypton and he vanished.

NC: Kinda weird, but I guess it could be interesting...

NC (vo): ...if we see the mindset, what led up to it, the choice of leaving his new home and the people he loves to possibly connect with the past one.

(Instead, it's all explained with simple text on the screen)

NC (vo): Nah, just text it to us! (Green arrows point out Superman's disappearance, told in a single sentence) In fact, only one sentence explained what happened; the rest reminds us what we already know! Is anyone going into a Superman movie really not aware of this information?

NC: It's like starting off The Dark Knight with...

(Text pops up reading: "Bruce Wayne is the guy dressed as a bat". Then after a beat, another word is added: "Dumbass")

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