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Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

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Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

Release Date
March 07, 2016
Running Time
24:55
Previous Review
A Short Look at "Rites of Uranus"
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Tagline
The Cinema Snob sees what happens when Cannon Films gets a chance to make a Superman movie!
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The Cinema Snob: Oh boy, am I excited! We're only a couple of weeks away from Batman and Superman in the CGI splooge-fest of the year! What a time to be alive, people, when a movie and a video game can look exactly the same!

Posters for...

Snob (VO): After the disappointing reception of Superman III and the financial flop of Supergirl, (Still of...) the Superman producers, Alexander and Ilya Salkind, (Still of Superman III) feared their superhero series to be dead in the water. (Picture of...) That is, until the Israeli saviors themselves, Golan and Globus of the Cannon Group, (Pan up on a poster for...) saved the day by purchasing the rights and proving that one more film was needed to put a bullet in the series.

Snob: With an original budget of $36 million, the price was slashed $17 million, a high budget for Cannon, a craft service table for a movie blockbuster.

Film clips play

Snob (VO): Cannon reached far above their typical low-budget fare, and hoped that a successful Superman film would pave the way for a Cannon Spider-Man film, and a Superman V. The success of this film could also gain Cannon a little bit of momentum after a string of financial flops.

Snob: So how did Superman IV turn out? I'm reviewing it on this show! How do you think it turned out?!

Snob (VO): Star Christopher Reeve was originally skeptical of the film, but signed on when he was allowed to co-write the story, which involved Superman dissolving the world's dependency on nuclear weapons, plus Reeve could gain financing (Poster of...) for his other 1987 film, Street Smart.

Snob: Sidney J. Furie was signed on to direct. Furie also directed (Poster of...) the 1982 horror film The Entity. (Back to the Snob) Which explains the awkward scene where Superman is raped by a ghost!

Snob (VO): At first glance, you can see the budget limitations from reused effects from previous films, to reused effects over and over within the same film.

Snob: Hell, all you need for an example of budget-cutting is the opening credits!

Credits from Superman: The Movie: "A RICHARD DONNER FILM"

Snob (VO): Remember the epic feeling of the previous Superman opening credits?

Snob: (Snickers) Take a look at Superman IV's credits!

Cut to this film's credits: same theme, but now the text has cheap chyron trails behind it

Snob: Wow. Excellent Powerpoint presentation on the Superman credits. Now where's the real intro?

Snob (VO): The logo now looks like it's about to brand cattle on the ass! The names are hiding behind the Earth, as not to be seen by the public! If the credits go fast enough, maybe they can reverse time and stop this from happening! (On "Music Adapted And Conducted By ALEXANDER COURAGE") Though in superhero movies, I like both my heroes and my music to have courage! (The film proper begins) Cannon definitely went a different direction here. The movie opens with a butt plug in space!

A cosmonaut sings while working on the space station

Snob: Just in case you didn't know the cosmonauts were from Texas.

Snob (VO): They're hit by dueling sex toys, and the Russian version of Gravity doesn't have nearly as impressive 3D! Luckily, Superman just happens to be there, almost like he CAUSED this disaster to begin with. (Superman rescues the cosmonaut...) Oh, come on! At least let him run into ghost George Clooney first! (...and returns him to the station) I can feel Neil DeGrasse Tyson live-tweeting this movie as we speak!

Superman: (Subtitles: You'll be safer singing in here.)

Snob: How are you TALKING?!

Back in Smallville...

Snob (VO): When Clark returns, he accidentally travels back to 1955! Ohhh, this is heavy! He goes to his old barn to reminisce about the time he accidentally killed a cheerleader with his Supercock! (Clark looks upon the glowing wreckage of the ship he came in) Ah-ha, so Superman's the one who's been keeping all the Surge to himself, before its re-release! This is actually a message to Superman from his mother, Lara!

Lara (Susannah York): You are entering the atmosphere of the planet known as Earth. I pray you have made a safe journey.

Snob: I think you're four movies too late to be receiving this message!

Superman pulls a glowing shard out

Snob (VO): He also gets a delayed birthday present, via this Kryptonian energy module! Looks like a toy Slimer used to fuck his wife!

Snob: What's with the sex toys in this film?! That's not the kind of toy line you should be promoting!

Snob (VO): While there's a prospective buyer for the family farm, Clark puts on his glasses so he can look like buff Lewis Skolnick. Here, he's impressing the buyer with the giant package he's carrying in his pants.

Snob: Superman IV: The Quest for Dicks!

Snob (VO): And having unfair baseball advantages.

Clark tosses a baseball and hits it so hard it flies out of orbit

Snob: And then the ball hit the moon, blew it up, and we all died!

Cut to Lex Luthor (Gene Hackman) on the chain gang

Snob (VO): Meanwhile, as Royal Tennenbaum is serving his sentence for a Ponzi scheme-- oh, wait, it's Lex Luthor! (In a car is Lenny Luthor) Oh, Jon Cryer, you want the auditions for Zack Snyder's Lex Luthor. You seem to be what they were looking for. Jon plays Lex's nephew, Lenny, who easily drives up to the chain gang, and traps the only guards in his car, so they could re-enact the end of A Nightmare on Elm Street!

Snob: The cast and crew often referred to this as an unfinished film. ...can you tell?

Lenny starts driving the remote-controlled car off a cliff

Lex: Launch.

The guards fly to their off-camera death

Lenny: All right!

Snob: There's a lot of things missing from that sequence! One is an explosion, the other is a good movie!

Snob (VO): And the most unbelievable thing about this, is that they still survived!

Snob: Don't worry; in later movies, they would make up for this one's lack of body count from a scale of 9 to 11!

Snob (VO): Now Lex has a new partner in everyone's favorite stalker, Ducky! (Cut to Clark at the subway) Look at this, they couldn't even afford for Margot Kidder and Christopher Reeve to take the same train! (The driver keels over) Or this guy's pacemaker, either! It's okay, Superman stops the train, in this totally necessary scene!

Superman walks out of the train as firefighters rush in

Superman: He'll be all right. Think he needs a doctor.

Snob: Holy crap, Superman is the secret identity of Captain Obvious!

Snob (VO): But we wouldn't wanna make the subway systems look bad.

Superman: I'd like all the people back there to know that our subway system is still the safest and most reliable means of public transportation. Thank you.

Snob: But their screening process for drivers is a little questionable!

Cut to...

Snob (VO): The Daily Planet has currently been taken over by a tabloid tycoon, and its new editor is Lacy Warfield, played by Mariel Hemingway!

Snob: It almost feels like the Daily Planet was bought out by Cannon!

Lacy: What I have here are some mock copies of our new layout. (It reads: "SUMMIT KAPUT! 'IS WORLD AT BRINK?'") It's super, don't you think?
Perry White (Jackie Cooper): If you think I'm gonna let you turn this grand old lady into one of your bimbos...

Snob (VO): If this were a much smarter film, I'd look at that as some kind of self-aware nudge and a wink! (Lois and Lacy after the meeting) Then again, she is wearing one of the disco balls from The Apple. (Back in the meeting room) The President cuts in with a message that the U.S. and the Soviet Union will be engaged in a nuclear war. It's a message so important, it's immediately shut off in one classroom, so lines like this can be said!

Teacher: I'll make a suggestion. Why don't we write to our congressman?

Snob (VO): Great idea if you want him to do jack shit! (At a museum) Speaking of ideas, Lex's master plan is to steal a strand of Superman's hair, which he was dumb enough to put in a MUSEUM to hang on a giant PENDULUM BALL! (Lex hacks at the box) It's okay, it's protected by breakaway glass. And while it's strong enough to hold a thousand pounds, eh! A simple household TOOL will cut that sucker down!

Snob: One thing I can count on with Cannon. It'll bring the sexy!

Lacy is now on a desk, dressed differently

Lacy: Yeah, hi Clark. Please come in. I've come up with what I think is a brilliant idea.

Snob (VO): "I want you to fuck me with that Kryptonian energy module, Clark!"

Snob: Stop trying to distract me with my erection, Cannon! That only works 80% of the time!

To be continued

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