Superman (1940s Public Domain Cartoon)

Announcer: Good evening, and welcome to That Guy Riffs. Today, That Guy looks at the first cartoon ever to be made about Superman entitled...Superman. Sit back and enjoy. (makes a weird noise)

(Paramount logo shows up)

Doug: Paramount: making the best animated films that Nickelodeon's table scraps can give us.

(Fade in to a night sky as Superman is seen flying in the sky)

Doug: (as Superman) I'M ON FIRE!!!

Man: Up in the sky! Look!

Woman: It's a bird!

Man: It's a plane! It's Superman!

(Superman title card appears as the credits begin rolling)

Doug: Yes, Superman. The Man of Steel. The Son of Krypton. Disguised as mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent, Superman spends most of his time trying to get nookie from Lois Lane. But she won't put out until he marries, so they got married and live in his Fortress of Sex-itude. But then they discovered that Superman couldn't get it up in the sky. The Man of Steel was a floppy deal. Lois was crushed and wanted a divorce but Superman refused to pay alimony and wanted custody of the kids. But Superman couldn't get custody because of his uncontrolable addiction to Jagerbombs. Superman tried to break in and steal his kids but he was so drunk that he accidentally broke into the home of Bruce Wayne, who fought him off with his Kryptonite nunchuks. Thus, Superman spends most of his days punching his dog Krypto, drinking himself to oblivion while Lois stands on the ledge of rooftops and cries.

(We properly begin the cartoon IN SPACE!)

Narrator: In the endless reaches of the universe, there once existed a planet known as Krypton. A planet that burned like a green star in the distant heavens.

Doug: They called it the Sourball Planet.

Narrator: There, civilization was far advanced and brought forth a race of supermen, whose mental and physical powers were developed at the absolute peak of human perfection. But, there came a day when giant quakes threatened to destroy Krypton forever. One of the planet's scientists, sensing the approach of doom, placed his infant son in a small rocket ship and sent him hurtling in the direction of-

Doug: (as Kal-El, in a Speedy Gonzales voice) Adios, muchachos!

Narrator: ...Krypton exploded.

Doug: Well...more the planet's dustbag filled up and exploded, but still exploded.

Narrator: The rocket ship sped through star-studded space, landing safely on Earth with its precious burden, Krypton's sole survivor.

Doug: (as Kal-El) Hope they have Wi-Fi.

Narrator: A passing motorist found the uninjured child and took him to an orphanage.

Doug: In Withering Heights.

Narrator: As the years went by and the child grew to maturity, he found himself possessed of amazing physical powers. Faster than a speeding bullet.

Doug: At least, that's what his girlfriends say.

Narrator: More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Doug: (as Superman) I had no idea I could do that.

Narrator: The infant of Krypton is now the Man of Steel, Superman!

Doug: But, let's not build him up too much.

Narrator: To best be in a position to use his amazing powers in a never ending battle for truth and justice, Superman has assumed the disguise of Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter for a great Metropolitan newspaper.

Doug: He can't open his eyes either, folks. 

(Scene fade to the Daily Planet as dramatic music plays; zoom in on the door of the Managing Editor's office)

Doug: (singing to the music) Managing editor! Managing editor! Managing editor!

(Scene of the managing editor calling Clark and Lois to his office)

Perry White: Kent, I want to see you. Just recieved another threatening note. 

Clark: Okay, Mr. White.

Perry White: Lois, another note from the Mad Scientist.

Lois: Coming in, Chief.

(Clark and Lois are now in Mr. White's office)

Doug: (as Clark) You called via radio toaster?

Perry: Now, listen to this warning. He plans to strike tonight.

(The camera gets a close up of the letter)

Perry: (reading the letter out loud) Beware, you fools. My Electrothanasia-Ray strikes tonight at 12. Total destruction will come to those who laughed at me and failed to heed my warnings.

Doug: You're looking at this longer than the Three Stooges look at a map.

Perry: Beware. I strike at midnight. (stops reading) This nut may prove dangerous.

Doug: Oh, come on. How come everybody who threatens the city with a death ray is a nut?

Perry: You may have an angle on this thing.

Clark: Yes, sir.

Lois: But, Chief, I'd like the chance to crack this story on my own.

Perry: Well, I--

Lois: Thanks, Chief.

Clark: But, Lois!

Doug: (mishearing the last line) Blow us?!? I had my suspicions, but wow!

Clark: Don't you think that's a dangerous mission?

(Lois is now boarding a plane that can only seat her)

Doug: (as Lois) I'll just take the Daily Planet fighter plane. Only I and Fox News have one of these.

(The plane takes off and we see it sort of bend as it turns. That's 1940s animation for ya, folks!)

Doug: Pretty rubbery plane.

(Scene fade to the lair of the scientist)

Doug: Meanwhile, at the Museum of Phallic Looking Buildings, the Little Mermaid poster is being put on display!

(Zoom in on the scientist as he's sitting in his chair looking at his clock as it strikes twelve. He also has a pet bird of prey)

Doug: (as Dr. Evil) Oh, I do hope they give me one million dollars.

Mad Scientist: The hour has come.

Doug: (as Mad Scientist) It's time to Tivo Rachael Ray.

(Fade in to the scientist's humongous death ray)

Doug: (as Marvin the Martian) With my Illudium 36 Explosive Space Modulator, I'll be able to get a clear view of Venus.

(The scientist turns on the machine which gives off big sparks)

Doug: (as the vulture imitating a stoner) Whoa, the bubbles are alive, man!

(The scientist's vulture notices Lois' plane outside the window)

Doug: (as the vulture now imitating a parrot) Awk, there's two lightning bugs outside! (the vulture goes up to scientist to alert him of Lois' plane) Gobble gobble! (as the scientist) What's that? Timmy's stuck in the well? There's trouble at the old mill? There's a nosy reporter with a personal jet landing just outside my lair? What? What?!

(The scientist turns off the machine and walks towards the front door of his lair)

Doug (as the scientist): You know, I just want to blow up one major metropolitan city and suddenly, everybody wants a quote from you.

(The vulture follows him down as well)

Doug: (as Iago) I'm so ticked off that I'm molting!

(The scientist and his vulture are standing close to the door to listen as Lois lands her plane)

Doug: Guess it wasn't very smart of him to leaving his forwarding address on that evil letter.

(As Lois gets closer to the door, the scientist makes some gesture)

Doug: (as Captain Kirk) Spooock.

(Lois knocks on the door which prompts the scientist and his vulture to unlock the door)

Doug: You know, more lairs should come with vulture locks.

Lois: I'm a reporter for the--

Doug: (the scientist quickly pulls her into his lair) Yoink! (as Lois while she struggles to get out of the scientist's grip) Sir, I am not a Jehovah's Witness!

(the vulture locks the door and follows the scientist back up the stairs)

Doug: (as the vulture) I better hurry this up. I heard there's some witch that got crushed by seven dwarfs just north from here.

Mad Scientist: So, you want a story? I'll give you the greatest story of destruction the world has ever known!

Doug: (as the scientist) I'm going to bring back Jersey Shore. Don't try to stop me, it's already begun! (the scientist then starts the machine up again) Okay, "to install Death Ray Software, just press 1"--eh, what? Of course I'm sure. Why would I install a death ray if I wasn't sure. Oh, great. Now the program stopped working. "Send an error report"--whoever sends a goddamn error report? (the machine finally fires) Oh, there we go.

(the beam is moving towards a bridge)

Doug: (as a dad) Hey, kids, look to your right! A death ray! (the beam hits the bridge and destroys it) AAAHHH!!!

Mad Scientist: How is that for a story, Miss Lane? Ha-ha!

Doug: (as Lois, muffled by the gag) It's bland and lacking in human interest!

(cut back to the Daily Planet as co-workers huddle around a radio)

Radio Announcer: True to his threat, the mad scientist, whose warnings have the city in a grip of terror, went on his rampage of destruction at the stroke of midnight!

Doug: (as the radio announcer) If only we could locate the giant, looming tower from which he is using his death ray!

Radio Announcer: ...hurdling cars and pedestrians in the river below! The police have warned everyone to remain in their homes!

Clark: This looks like a job for Superman.

Doug: (as Clark) Too bad I have no interest, though. Let's see if Wonder Woman's on duty.

(Clark goes into the stock room to change into his Superman garb)

Doug: (as Clark) Let's see-Oh, God, what does the janitor do in here? Did that come from a human? Oh, it's repugnant!

(Superman comes out of the room, ready to save the day!)

Doug: (as Narrator) After applying his Hitler mustache, makes to the window to save the day!

(Supes opens a window and flies off)

Doug: (as Superman) I'm off! (we then see Superman fly in a different direction) ...the other way.

(as Superman flies to stop the scientist, we cut back to the scientist looking for the next target for his death ray)

Doug: (as Mad Scientist) There has to be another building in this city as phallic as mine to destroy. (he then sees a skyscraper on his monitor and smiles with evil glee) Hellooooo.

(the beam is fired at the skyscraper and hits it, shaking it; inside, the room is shaking, knocking books and papers to the floor, and everyone looks around in panic)

Doug: (as a worker inside) Uh... personal day!

(the worker runs off as a file cabinet falls down)

Doug: (as a second worker) I'll be all right. (a beam almost falls on him) AH!

(the skyscraper sways and starts to fall like a felled tree, but Superman flies in to save it)

Doug: (as Superman, straining to push skyscraper back up; grunts) Geesh, building, what have you been eating? (Superman succeeds in pushing the skyscraper upright again) Thank god that building was made out of flexible sandpaper. Well, I better take off now. (suddenly the skyscraper sways the other way) Whoa, whoa! (Superman grabs the very top of the skyscraper and pulls it upright once and for all) Just kidding, just kidding. Wouldn't it be funny if I just let you guys fall like that? (chuckles) In all seriousness, though, the constant rocking of this building has probably turned your bones to jelly, so I'm just gonna get out of here.

(Superman swoops down to the base of the skyscraper, where the beam is hitting; he pushes against the beam with all his might, cutting off its path to the skyscraper)

Doug: And yet Bryan Singer still can't make an interesting film about him.

(Superman pushes back against the bean, much to the alarm of the mad scientist)

Mad Scientist: It's Superman!

Doug: (as scientist) Don't ask me how I know; I just have a feeling!

(scientist raises the machine's power; pistons hum and clank, steam spews, blue and orange liquids flow through clear pipes)

Doug: (of the blue and orange liquids) You know, this is looking more like how Doc Brown makes iced tea.

(machine's electricity bolts crackle as colors flow toward the beam)

Doug: (narrating) Nothing can stop the strongest man in the wor–

(suddenly, various strong spurts of energy hit Superman, knocking him backwards and getting his cape over his eyes)

Doug: (as Superman) Oh, god uncle! Oh Jesus, don't hurt me! Oh, c'mon, my cape's over my head, I can't even see! (the spurts knock Superman to the ground) Who would've thought Kryptonite and... whatever the hell this thing is, would be my only weakness?! Ow, ow, owww!

(Superman suddenly gets back up and starts punching the energy in the beam away and starts pushing against the beam, punching any energy spurts that come his way)

Doug: Superman fights off the mighty beam of light by simply punching it! Remember, kids, brute violence always wins over scientific understanding.

Mad Scientist: (alarmed) I don't believe it! (raising the machine's power still further) He isn't human!

Doug: (as scientist) It's almost as if he's super! A super man, if you will!

(but Superman has succeeded in reaching the scientist's lair where the machine's beam is coming from and pushing and beating against the beam all the way)

Doug: (as scientist) Well, I'm sciencier!

(the mad scientist pushes the machine's power all the way to full blast, but Superman is not fazed in the least; he has placed his hands against the beam's cannon, plugging it up with his hands)

Doug: (as Popeye) Yea, all I needs was my spinach, ag-ag-ag-ag-ag.

(still plugging the cannon shut, Superman bends it up)

Doug: (as Superman) Laws of physics of Bugs Bunny cartoons, don't fail me now!

(Superman bends the barrel of the cannon into a knot and turns the beam blast against the machine itself; the reversed beam inflates inside the machine, causing it to break apart; a bulge forms and explodes; Superman rips open a hole and comes into the lair)

Doug: (as Superman) Avon Calling!

(Superman stands on the machine, which looks like a huge hot dog and consumed in flames, about to explode)

Doug: This mechanical hot dog bun is about to blow!

(the scientist tries vainly to operate the machine, but has to retreat when flaming debris falls around him)

Doug: (as scientist) I never had this problem with Super Grover!

(Superman jumps off the flaming machine and rescues the bound-and-gagged Lois)

Doug: (as Superman) You know, Lois, how about a pepper spray? You ever think of that?

(the scientist and the vulture, meanwhile, run out of the room to escape from the flaming debris)

Doug: (as vulture, imitating Sonny the Cuckoo Bird) I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

(Superman carries Lois out of the lair just as the flaming debris comes crashing down; the scientist and the vulture run down the stairs as Superman follows with Lois in his arms)

Doug: Now, watch the incredible flying Man of Steel... er, take the stairs.

(everyone emerges from the phallic-shaped lair just as it collapses; Superman grabs the escaping scientist)

Doug: (as scientist) Oh, my spinal cord! (Superman takes off, taking scientist with him) Waaaaaaiiiiittt!

(the building explodes as Superman flies through the air, holding the scientist and Lois in his arms)

Doug: (as scientist) Uh, you can set me down by that big comfy brothel over there.

(Superman flies through the air, towards the city)

Doug: You know, this is what John Cleese has to look at every day.

(Superman arrives at a jail cell and throws the mad scientist into it, then flings the barred door shut)

Doug: Jesus! One fractured skull later!

(the scientist grabs the bars of his cell as we fade to a black-and-white photo of same, in a Daily Planet newspaper, whose headline reads: "Superman Captures Mad Scientist - Mad scientist in cell")

Doug: Really? So his parents named him "Mad Scientist"? Isn't that sort of pre-programming his future occupation?

(the newspaper is revealed to be on Perry's desk)

Perry: (shaking hands with Lois) Congratulations, Lois! That was a great scoop.

Lois: Yes, chief, thanks to Superman.

(the camera pans over to Clark's desk, who looks toward Lois and then to the camera with a wink and a smile)

Doug: (as Clark) I'd wink if I had the ability to widen my pupils.

(the screen fades to black, ending the cartoon; the Paramount logo shows up one more time)

Doug: No vultures, scientists or buildings made out of sandpaper were harmed in the filming of this episode.