Superman: Secret Agent

Superman: Secret Agent
Released	May 23, 2015
Running time	7:34
Link	http://atopthefourthwall.com/linkara-riffs-superman-secret-agent/
Tagline	In this Patreon-sponsored riff, Linkara looks at a classic Superman short! ...assuming Superman can be bothered to show up, anyway...
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NOTE: All of Linkara's riffs are voiceovered.

(Open, as all old Superman cartoons do, on a night sky as Superman is seen flying through it)

Linkara: (as Superman flies by) And it's a home run ball!

Man: Up in the sky! Look!

Woman: It's a bird!

Man: It's a plane! It's Superman!

(Superman title card appears)

Linkara: It's Superman! Open fire! (credits appear) Look, up in the sky! It's some credits!

(Cartoon's title is shown: "Secret Agent", amid the sounds of tires screeching and gunshots)

Linkara: Man, this is the worst cover of "Secret Agent Man" I've ever heard.

(Credits continue to roll)

Linkara: (singing to cartoon theme) Supermaaaan has a plaaan... Gonna kick Nazi ass, Supermaaaan!

(Cut to a shot of a stormy sky)

Narrator: Faster than a streak of lightning!

(A bolt of lightning flashes in this sky)

Linkara: Superman, that was your cue!

(Cut to an ocean wave crashing on a rocky shore)

Narrator: More powerful than the pounding surf!

Linkara: (singing) He must be swift as a coursing river...

(Cut to a palm tree being bent over and then blown away by a hurricane)

Narrator: Mightier than a roaring hurricane!

Linkara: (as narrator) And yet he can't help me move a couch!

(A bright flash appears)

Narrator: This amazing stranger from the planet Krypton, the Man of Steel... (the flash fills up the screen and then explodes, revealing...) Superman!

Linkara: (as Superman, posing proudly) Drink me in, America!

Narrator: Possessing remarkable physical strength, Superman fights a neverending battle for truth and justice, (Superman now turns into his alter ego, Clark Kent) disguised as a mild-mannered newspaper reporter, Clark Kent.

Linkara: (as narrator) Now, if only he could stop squinting...

(The cartoon proper begins, showing a car driving down a nighttime street in the city. It drives up to a drugstore (the word "Drugs" is clearly displayed on the windows) and comes to a parked stop)

Linkara: Ooh, they're having a sale on heroin!

(The door opens and Clark gets out and walks into the drugstore; inside, he goes into a phone booth)

Linkara: Superman doesn't actually change his clothes in phone booths; he just hates public restrooms.

(Inside the phone booth, Clark is talking on the phone to Perry White, his boss at the Daily Planet)

Perry: Now look here, Kent, you can't pick your assignments! Hurry over and cover that consumers' meet!

Clark: But, Chief!

Perry: But nothing! That's final! (hangs up)

(As Clark hangs up, he hears the sound of gunfire coming from outside; one car crashes through one of the windows of the store; he looks around at the wreckage)

Linkara: (as Clark) Sorry, citizen, got a consumers' meeting to report on.

(The driver and his accomplices in the crashed car get out and get into Clark's car, which then takes off; he runs after it and jumps onto the back bumper; he clings there)

Linkara: Clark Kent is the T-1000!

(One of the men in Clark's car reaches his hand out and fires a gun at another car it pursues; the bullets ricochet off)

Linkara: Turn signals used to be much more complicated.

(As the two cars race down the street, bullets from the second car hitting the first, they pass by a police car in the intersection. The two policemen in this car pull it forward and join the chase, siren blaring. The two thugs in the second car hear the siren, and one of them turns to the police car. He smashes the back window with his gun and reaches out to fire at the police car, but Clark, still clinging to the back bumper, reaches up and grabs the gun)

Linkara: (as Clark) Uh, sir, would you like your gun washed?

(As the cars race down the street, Clark wrestles the gun out of the assailant's hand and throws it on the ground. Meanwhile, another assailant in this car continues to fire at the car. One bullet hits one of the first car's tires, causing it to go flat. It spins out and comes to a stop, with the other cars surrounding it)

Linkara: And GEICO is there!

(The door of the first car opens and out steps a woman holding a briefcase)

Woman: Gosh, that was a close call! I've got to get to police headquarters immediately!

Linkara: Who is she talking to?

(Later, in an abandoned, boarded-up apartment high-rise, Clark has been knocked out and taken captive)

Linkara: It's actually a regular Friday night thing for Clark.

(It turns out that he was captured by those who have been trying to attack the woman with the case; they are actually Nazi spies! One of them, who has a very significant Hitler-type mustache and a monocle, is berating the others)

Linkara: (seeing the Nazi boss) What the–?! Hitler?!?

Nazi boss: Ach! You're dämlich (?)! I said you were to bring back that woman, and what happens? You let her get away and bring me this tool! (Clark comes to as the Nazi boss pounds his fist on the table) She must not get to the airport! She must be stopped!

Linkara: See, this is why the Nazis lost the war: Hitler's micromanaging of spy operations.

(Cut to the woman at police headquarters, addressing the police chief)

Woman: They are probably the largest and most ruthless gang of saboteurs in this country! I know. For six months, they thought I was one of them.

Linkara: (as woman) Turns out I was just a groupie.

Woman: (holding up her briefcase) This briefcase contains a list of their names, together with their diabolical plans of destruction! They will stop at nothing to recover these records! I must get them through to Washington.

Police Chief: Hmm. I understand. I'll send you around an escort to the airport.

Linkara: (as policeman) You think maybe we should make a copy of those documents? (as chief) Nah, I'm sure it's fine.

(Outside the police station, the agent is escorted to a police car, which goes down the road, accompanied by some cops on motorcycles, sirens wailing. They approach a sign reading "Bridge to Airport", with an arrow pointing the way. Behind the sign, several armed thugs lie in wait; one draws a gun. They hear the sirens)

Linkara: Hey, guys, where's the bridge to the airport?

(The rest of the thugs draw guns as the police car and motorcycles approach)

Linkara: Good the cops are being so inconspicuous.

(The thugs open fire on the escort. One motorcycle cop gets shot in the shoulder and falls over. The policeman in the car, hit with bullets that ricochet off, stops it and gets out, firing at the thugs. As bullets fly both ways, and the police and thugs are hit, the female agent becomes quite nervous)

Linkara: (as agent) Time to Fury Road this thing!

(The car takes off, as one thug tries to fire at it, only for it to ricochet and hit him instead. The car makes for the bridge, where two other thugs lie in wait, one looking through binoculars)

Thug: She got through! (turns to his fellow thug) She's heading this way! Quick! (they run off)

Linkara: (as thug) Everyone get ready to yell "Surprise!"

(The thugs lie in wait on the bridge as the police car races toward it. One of the thugs runs into the control tower and pulls on a lever)

Linkara: You know, my favorite part about this short is how much Superman is in it.

(The thug having pulled on the lever, the guard barrier lowers across the road to a dinging sound. The bridge starts to rotate. The car approaches. The thug waves his arms to stop the car, but it doesn't stop. Instead, it crashes through the barrier and onto the bridge, which hadn't yet fully rotated away from the road)

Linkara: Uh, on your left.

(The car races across the rotating bridge, but the other side by now is out of range of the road. The agent jumps out of the car just before it runs off the road and crashes into a power line. The impact causes the power line to sway violently, its wires sparking. The agent gets to her feet)

Linkara: The Nazis are gonna feel really embarrassed when it turns out this was just a Mary Kay sales rep.

(One thug pulls his gun on the agent and fires. The agent ducks aside, out of harm's way, leaving the bullets to ricochet off)

Linkara: He took all that time to aim his shot, and misses like crazy.

(As bullets continue to fly, the agent ducks into the control tower. As one bullet shatters a window, she dodges aside of the shattering glass and pulls on one lever of the controls to stop the bridge's movement)

Linkara: (as agent) It's a good thing I know how to do this.

(Meanwhile, the sparking power line finally starts falling, its wires snapping and breaking, and lands on the control tower, smashing it and setting it ablaze. Burning pieces of debris and the agent fall on the turning mechanism. The agent is knocked out, while the giant gear in the turning mechanism advances toward her!)

Linkara: She just survived a thirty-foot fall with fire and debris and downed power lines; she'll be fine.

(Meanwhile, the thug who had been shooting at her hears the sound of police sirens and goes into a locked phone booth (firing off the lock with his gun to open the door) and puts a coin in the phone so he can talk into it. At the abandoned high-rise where the Nazis are hiding, the Nazi boss' phone rings; he picks up)

Nazi boss: Hallo?

Linkara: (as Nazi boss) Hitler's Pizza Delivery?

Thug: (softly) She's trapped on the bridge. The place is surrounded by– (he gets cut off by the sound of bullets)

Nazi boss: (listening in) Hallo? Erich? Hallo! Hallo!

Linkara: (as Nazi boss) Damn Sprint phone!

Nazi boss: Something went wrong! (to another thug, standing over Kent) We've got to get those records!

(The Nazis drag Kent's unconscious body into another room and lock the door before they leave. Cut briefly to the female agent lying unconsciously on the turning mechanism as flaming debris falls around her)

Linkara: Three hours later...

(The gear continues its advanced toward her. Cut back to the Nazis in the high-rise, where they lock the door of their hideout and head for the elevator. Meanwhile, inside the locked room, Kent comes to and starts freeing himself, changing into Superman)

Linkara: (as Kent) Crap, this isn't my Superman outfit! I'm still in my BDSM gear from last night!

(By now, Kent has fully changed into Superman and smashes through the locked door)

Linkara: (imitating the Kool-Aid Man) OH, YEAH!!

(Superman smashes through the locked main door and sees the elevator dial turning from the tenth to the first floor. He rushes over to the elevator door and rips it open)

Linkara: Superman, enemy of doors!

(Superman flies into the elevator shaft and to the top of the mechanism)

Linkara: (as Superman) I saw this in Half-Life once.

(Inside the descending elevator, it abruptly comes to a stop. The Nazi boss asks what's going on in German. The elevator then starts rising again, shaking violently, as Superman pulls the cable upward, tying it in knots)

Linkara: Meanwhile, that secret agent has been repeatedly run over by the machinery.

(The Nazis struggle to keep their feet as the elevator rises just beyond the top floor. Superman finishes tying up the cables, trapping the Nazis there)

Linkara: (as Superman) That'll teach them not to hire me as a bellhop.

(Having tied up the cables, Superman flies out of the building, crashing through a window as he goes. Meanwhile, the gear continues its advance toward the agent, while flaming debris falls around her. Cut to Superman flying through the air. Below, he sees the bridge and swoops down toward it)

Linkara: (imitates airplane swooping and crashing as Superman lands)

(Superman looks around and sees the agent in distress. The giant gear catches one of the agent's high heels. She screams)

Linkara: (as agent) Oh, my God, my shoes!

(Superman flies toward the moving bridge platform and strains to push it in the other direction, while the agent looks in shock as the gear is about to crush her)

Linkara: (as Superman) This thing is moving too slow. Got to speed it up!

(Suddenly, the gear stops moving and breaks apart, just inches from crushing the agent. He notices then that the flaming control tower is about to completely collapse, its pieces falling toward the agent. Superman appears beside the agent and grabs her just in time, just as the flaming tower falls down on where she once was)

Linkara: Superman's new power: teleportation!

(Superman flies through the air, carrying the agent and her briefcase in his arms, while the music heard changes from the Superman theme to "O Columbia the Gem of the Ocean". Below, the clouds part, revealing the landmarks of Washington, D.C.)

Linkara: (as Superman) Uh, look, I've got to be honest, I am completely lost.

(As the Capitol comes into view, Superman swoops down and sets the agent down on the steps of Capitol Hill. He then flies off, making a saluting motion as he flies past a flagpole, from which the American flag waves)

Linkara: Little did Superman know that that flag was actually Hitler in disguise.

(The cartoon fades out to end on the patriotic shot of the flag)

Linkara: Meanwhile, when Clark Kent went to bring the story to his boss, he was fired for picking his own assignments and not covering the consumer meeting.