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Supergirl

Supergirl nc

Release Date
February 19, 2020
Running Time
21:55
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(The Channel Awesome logo is shown. Then we cold-open on what looks like Superman's Fortress of Solitude, as a bright light appears there)

Voice (Doug): My son, you do not remember me. I am your father. You must have many questions. (The face of Doug appears, representing Jor-El, Kal-El's father) Here in this Fortress of Solitude, we may find the answers together. Even though you have been raised as a human being, you are not one of them. They can be a great people if they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason, above all, their capacity for good; I have sent them you...my son. You will be... (nods) Superman.

(The camera turns around to reveal that he's actually talking to a woman in Superman's outfit (played by Tamara)

Woman: Uh, I'm Supergirl.

Jor-El: Oh, sorry, give me a second... (looks down while the sound of typing is heard, as though he's rewriting something) Okay, you've come from a beehive of hippies...

Supergirl: What?

Jor-El: ...your nemesis is a magical witch named Selena...

Supergirl: That's some bullshit.

Jor-El: ...and your big fight scenes are with an invisible monster, construction equipment, and a bubble car.

Supergirl: Are you high?

Jor-El: No, but I am thinking of starting. And you should, too.

Supergirl: (exhales) 'Kay...

(And on that note, we cut to the usual NC intro)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. I love me some action ladies! (smiles and nods)

(A montage of shots of ladies in action movies is shown)

NC (vo): Ellen Ripley, Wonder Woman, Sarah Connor, Tomb Raider, Ca-, Black Widow, Michelle Rodriguez in...

(A collage of Rodriguez's roles in movies is shown)

NC (vo): ...fucking anything!

NC: (crosses arms) Yes, women kicking ass in movies isn't exactly a new thing, but it has become more of a...common thing.

(Cut to a shot of a poster for Ride 'em Cowgirl)

NC (vo): Since the beginning of film, there's always been doses of women duking it out...

(Now cut to the poster for The Roaring Twenties, starring James Cagney and Priscilla Lane)

NC (vo): ...but because of the times, they were mostly kept in domesticated roles.

(Now the montage shows more action women: The Bride in the Kill Bill series, Katniss Everdeen in the Hunger Games series, Imperator Furiosa in Mad Max: Fury Road, and Selene in the Underworld series)

NC (vo): Well, times have changed, and we have more options than ever of badass bitches doing badass shit.

NC: While that's cool and all, it does beg the question: what took so long?

(Cut to a shot of the cast of (some movie, I forget?))

NC (vo): For a while, it seemed like for every fifty dudes shooting a gun...

(Cut to a shot of Ellen Ripley in Alien)

NC (vo): ...we got one chick in a starring role doing the same. They seemed pretty few and far for quite a bit of time.

(Cut to a shot of the Hollywood sign)

NC (vo): Well, that's because studios aren't exactly the biggest fans of new things.

NC: I know, whaaaaaa?

(As he says this, posters for new and upcoming movies surround him: Charlie's Angels, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Bad Boys For Life, Fast & Furious, the upcoming version of Mulan, Birds of Prey, Scoob!, Dolittle, Sonic the Hedgehog, The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run, and Black Widow. After that, we cut to yet another montage, this one of action men: James Bond, Indiana Jones and Batman)

NC (vo): And action men have proven to be big moneymakers for years.

(Now, yet another montage is shown, this one of posters of movies featuring action women: Cutthroat Island, Elektra, Ultraviolet, Aeon Flux)

NC (vo): So, whenever an action woman's story came along, they rarely threw the same amount of care into it because there was already a fear it just wasn't gonna work as well.

(As the montage continues, the posters start spinning around. They are now for movies which NC had looked at in the past: Red Sonja, Barb Wire, Tank Girl, Catwoman)

NC (vo): So, a lot of shit was made, and if the shit didn't do well, it must have been because the lead in that shit was a dame and not because...it was shit.

(Cut to an article in the Huffington Post, about a leaked email from Sony that reveals Marvel has a distaste for female superhero movies, using movies like Electra [sic], Catwoman and Supergirl as evidence)

NC (vo): Even the conversation years ago between Marvel and Sony showed that they didn't do women superheroes, because the past ones failed. Yeah.

(Cut to footage of Catwoman)

NC (vo): Clearly, tits was the reason Elektra and Catwoman didn't do well.

Catwoman: (to a bartender) White Russian. No ice, hold the vodka, hold the Kahlua.

NC: That line totally would have worked if a dude (An image of James Bond wearing Catwoman's mask is shown in the corner) said it!

(Two mores posters featuring female protagonists are shown: Resident Evil and Star Wars: The Force Awakens)

NC (vo): And one of the movies often put on that list for delaying our cinematic action ladies...

(Cut to back to the shot of the Huffington Post article on the distaste of female superheroes)

NC (vo): ...both figuratively and literally...

NC: ...is Supergirl.

(The title for Supergirl is shown, followed by footage of the film)

NC (vo): Released in 1984 after the success of (Posters for the first three Superman movies are superimposed) Superman's three...-ish hits, Supergirl had a budget of $35 million and made back only $14 million. For a long time, this was pointed to as the reason people would never see female superhero movies.

NC: Female, shmemale! I wouldn't want to see a movie after seeing this!

NC (vo): Granted, this was coming off of a very (The Superman poster is superimposed again briefly) campy series, but there was usually an emotional weight and dignity that went along that camp. This...is going to be rough. So, let's take a gander at how things went so hilariously wrong.

NC: (folds hands) Let's see what happens you mix 'shrooms with sniffing paint. This is Supergirl. (nods)

(The opening credits are shown, resembling what look like ice sculptures skating across the screen, while psychedelic colors swirl in the background)

NC: On ice!

NC (vo): Yeah, you know you're in trouble when the Masters of the Universe credits (The credits for that movie, which look equally psychedelic, are shown in the upper-left corner) float by the writers' hookah smoke filled with more green stuff than (A shot of Lex Luthor from the first Superman movie appears in the upper-right corner) Lex Luthor's lead case.

(We then cut to the planet of Krypton)

NC (vo): We're shown what the Rock Biter shits out eating coal, as a whole Kryptonian race lives in this IKEA beehive, developed by a character played by Peter O'Toole.

Zaltar (O'Toole): (to Kara Zor-El) It's a fancy shadow of the real thing, which is the most we can hope for on this lonely old rock.

NC: (as Zaltar) That, or Brando got respect playing this part. (looks offscreen) What's my character's name?

Offscreen voice: Zaltar.

NC: (as Zaltar) I'm screwed.

(As Kara wanders across the planet, she is greeted by other Kryptonians)

NC: (his head resting on his hand) It's nice to finally know what a college safe space looks like.

NC (vo): Zaltar is friends with Kara, played by Helen Slater, as she loves to marvel at his inventions while also longing to venture to Earth where her cousin, Superman, is.

Zaltar: Did you not study six-dimensional geometry at school?

Kara: I know the equations. I just can't see them in my head.

Zaltar: Most great artists find mathematics troublesome, Kara.

NC: (grins, throws up hands) Chicks and math, right? This will go over great today! (nods)

Zaltar: Satin and Earth are in outer space. (reaches out to touch her neck while she closes her eyes) But we...we are in inner space.

NC: (as Zaltar) I can explain better by...

NC (vo): ...lifting your shower curtain nightie.

NC: (still as Zaltar, startled) What?! We're just talking! What?!

NC (vo): He explains that their city has two main power sources...one he keeps in his pocket.

Zalter: (holding up the power source, a small orb) I borrowed it.

NC: (as Zaltar, feeling around in his pants pockets) Now, where are my keys?

(As he feels around, the sounds of explosions are heard, along with the room dimming briefly. Then he pulls out his keys and holds them up)

NC: (as Zaltar) Ah, here we are. (looks around) Only four fatalities that time.

NC (vo): And he uses it for...dumb stuff.

Zaltar: So I'm just inventing... (holds up wand to Kara's arm) miracles.

(His wand glows and a watch magically appears on Kara's wrist)

NC (vo; as Zaltar): You have the power to move things a bit to the left. The science of hanging pictures will be changed forever!

Zaltar: (giving wand to Kara) Let your imagination explode and give it a try!

(Kara takes the wand and runs off. She sits down and puts wand down between her legs)

NC: (uncomfortably) Uh, how much is she supposed to use her imagination? And what's supposed to explode?

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