Supergirl

Supergirl nc.jpg

Release Date
February 19, 2020
Running Time
37:51
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(The Channel Awesome logo is shown. Then we cold-open on what looks like Superman's Fortress of Solitude, as a bright light appears there)

Voice (Doug): My son, you do not remember me. I am your father. You must have many questions. (The face of Doug appears, representing Jor-El, Kal-El's father) Here in this Fortress of Solitude, we may find the answers together. Even though you have been raised as a human being, you are not one of them. They can be a great people if they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason, above all, their capacity for good; I have sent them you...my son. You will be... (nods) Superman.

(The camera turns around to reveal that he's actually talking to a woman in Superman's outfit (played by Tamara))

Supergirl: Uh, I'm Supergirl.

Jor-El: Oh, sorry, give me a second... (looks down while the sound of typing is heard, as though he's rewriting something) Okay, you've come from a beehive of hippies...

Supergirl: What?

Jor-El: ...your nemesis is a magical witch named Selena...

Supergirl: That's some bullshit.

Jor-El: ...and your big fight scenes are with an invisible monster, construction equipment, and a bubble car.

Supergirl: Are you high?

Jor-El: No, but I am thinking of starting. And you should, too.

Supergirl: (exhales) 'Kay...

(And on that note, we cut to the usual NC intro)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. I love me some action ladies! (smiles and nods)

(A montage of shots of ladies in action movies is shown)

NC (vo): Ellen Ripley, Wonder Woman, Sarah Connor, Tomb Raider, Ca-, Black Widow, Michelle Rodriguez in...

(A collage of Rodriguez's roles in movies is shown)

NC (vo): ...fucking anything!

NC: (crosses arms) Yes, women kicking ass in movies isn't exactly a new thing, but it has become more of a...common thing.

(Cut to a shot of a poster for Ride 'em Cowgirl)

NC (vo): Since the beginning of film, there's always been doses of women duking it out...

(Now cut to the poster for The Roaring Twenties, starring James Cagney and Priscilla Lane)

NC (vo): ...but because of the times, they were mostly kept in domesticated roles.

(Now the montage shows more action women: The Bride in the Kill Bill series, Katniss Everdeen in the Hunger Games series, Imperator Furiosa in Mad Max: Fury Road, and Selene in the Underworld series)

NC (vo): Well, times have changed, and we have more options than ever of badass bitches doing badass shit.

NC: While that's cool and all, it does beg the question: what took so long?

(Cut to a shot of the cast of (some movie, I forget?))

NC (vo): For a while, it seemed like for every fifty dudes shooting a gun...

(Cut to a shot of Ellen Ripley in Alien)

NC (vo): ...we got one chick in a starring role doing the same. They seemed pretty few and far for quite a bit of time.

(Cut to a shot of the Hollywood sign)

NC (vo): Well, that's because studios aren't exactly the biggest fans of new things.

NC: I know, whaaaaaa?

(As he says this, posters for new and upcoming movies surround him: Charlie's Angels, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Bad Boys For Life, Fast & Furious, the upcoming version of Mulan, Birds of Prey, Scoob!, Dolittle, Sonic the Hedgehog, The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run, and Black Widow. After that, we cut to yet another montage, this one of action men: James Bond, Indiana Jones and Batman)

NC (vo): And action men have proven to be big moneymakers for years.

(Now, yet another montage is shown, this one of posters of movies featuring action women: Cutthroat Island, Elektra, Ultraviolet, Aeon Flux)

NC (vo): So, whenever an action woman's story came along, they rarely threw the same amount of care into it because there was already a fear it just wasn't gonna work as well.

(As the montage continues, the posters start spinning around. They are now for movies which NC had looked at in the past: Red Sonja, Barb Wire, Tank Girl, Catwoman)

NC (vo): So, a lot of shit was made, and if the shit didn't do well, it must have been because the lead in that shit was a dame and not because...it was shit.

(Cut to an article in the Huffington Post, about a leaked email from Sony that reveals Marvel has a distaste for female superhero movies, using movies like Electra [sic], Catwoman and Supergirl as evidence)

NC (vo): Even the conversation years ago between Marvel and Sony showed that they didn't do women superheroes, because the past ones failed. Yeah.

(Cut to footage of Catwoman)

NC (vo): Clearly, tits was the reason Elektra and Catwoman didn't do well.

Catwoman: (to a bartender) White Russian. No ice, hold the vodka, hold the Kahlua.

NC: That line totally would have worked if a dude (An image of James Bond wearing Catwoman's mask is shown in the corner) said it!

(Two mores posters featuring female protagonists are shown: Resident Evil and Star Wars: The Force Awakens)

NC (vo): And one of the movies often put on that list for delaying our cinematic action ladies...

(Cut to back to the shot of the Huffington Post article on the distaste of female superheroes)

NC (vo): ...both figuratively and literally...

NC: ...is Supergirl.

(The title for Supergirl is shown, followed by footage of the film)

NC (vo): Released in 1984 after the success of (Posters for the first three Superman movies are superimposed) Superman's three...-ish hits, Supergirl had a budget of $35 million and made back only $14 million. For a long time, this was pointed to as the reason people would never see female superhero movies.

NC: Female, shmemale! I wouldn't want to see a movie after seeing this!

NC (vo): Granted, this was coming off of a very (The Superman poster is superimposed again briefly) campy series, but there was usually an emotional weight and dignity that went along that camp. This...is going to be rough. So, let's take a gander at how things went so hilariously wrong.

NC: (folds hands) Let's see what happens you mix 'shrooms with sniffing paint. This is Supergirl. (nods)

(The opening credits are shown, resembling what look like ice sculptures skating across the screen, while psychedelic colors swirl in the background)

NC: On ice!

NC (vo): Yeah, you know you're in trouble when the Masters of the Universe credits (The credits for that movie, which look equally psychedelic, are shown in the upper-left corner) float by the writers' hookah smoke filled with more green stuff than (A shot of Lex Luthor from the first Superman movie appears in the upper-right corner) Lex Luthor's lead case.

(We then cut to the planet of Krypton)

NC (vo): We're shown what the Rock Biter shits out eating coal, as a whole Kryptonian race lives in this IKEA beehive, developed by a character played by Peter O'Toole.

Zaltar (O'Toole): (to Kara Zor-El) It's a fancy shadow of the real thing, which is the most we can hope for on this lonely old rock.

NC: (as Zaltar) That, or Brando got respect playing this part. (looks offscreen) What's my character's name?

Offscreen voice: Zaltar.

NC: (as Zaltar) I'm screwed.

(As Kara wanders across the planet, she is greeted by other Kryptonians)

NC: (his head resting on his hand) It's nice to finally know what a college safe space looks like.

NC (vo): Zaltar is friends with Kara, played by Helen Slater, as she loves to marvel at his inventions while also longing to venture to Earth where her cousin, Superman, is.

Zaltar: Did you not study six-dimensional geometry at school?

Kara: I know the equations. I just can't see them in my head.

Zaltar: Most great artists find mathematics troublesome, Kara.

NC: (grins, throws up hands) Chicks and math, right? This will go over great today! (nods)

Zaltar: Satin and Earth are in outer space. (reaches out to touch her neck while she closes her eyes) But we...we are in inner space.

NC: (as Zaltar) I can explain better by...

NC (vo): ...lifting your shower curtain nightie.

NC: (still as Zaltar, startled) What?! We're just talking! What?!

NC (vo): He explains that their city has two main power sources...one he keeps in his pocket.

Zalter: (holding up the power source, a small orb) I borrowed it.

NC: (as Zaltar, feeling around in his pants pockets) Now, where are my keys?

(As he feels around, the sounds of explosions are heard, along with the room dimming briefly. Then he pulls out his keys and holds them up)

NC: (as Zaltar) Ah, here we are. (looks around) Only four fatalities that time.

NC (vo): And he uses it for...dumb stuff.

Zaltar: So I'm just inventing... (holds up wand to Kara's arm) miracles.

(His wand glows and a watch magically appears on Kara's wrist)

NC (vo; as Zaltar): You have the power to move things a bit to the left. The science of hanging pictures will be changed forever!

Zaltar: (giving wand to Kara) Let your imagination explode and give it a try!

(Kara takes the wand and runs off. She sits down and puts wand down between her legs)

NC: (uncomfortably) Uh, how much is she supposed to use her imagination? And what's supposed to explode?

NC (vo): Zaltar kicks the power source over to Kara...

NC: (his head resting on his hand) You know, I'm starting to see why Krypton exploded.

(The scene of Zaltar kicking the power source, the orb, is shown again, and we then cut to a clip of Superman: the planet Krypton exploding. Cut back to Supergirl)

NC (vo): ...as she delights gripping her long vibrating stick on top of the ball she's currently holding in her hand.

(She holds up the orb in one hand and holds the wand in the other hand over the orb. Both orb and wand spin. She lowers them between her legs)

NC: (uncomfortably) Okay, this was a porno.

NC (vo): They kept all the dialogue the same, they just never put the sex in it.

Zaltar: (giving the wand to Kara) Put your fingers here, Kara, and press hard.

NC (vo): It had to be some sort of mix-up.

(Cut to a sketch involving a script writer, played by Malcolm. He is on the phone and sounding worried)

Writer: Damn it, I never should have written the Supergirl script and the porno at the same time!

Voice on phone (provided by Doug): Wait a minute. If you can't find the porno script, but you still have the movie script, is it possible you sent the wrong script to the studio?

Writer: Oh, sweet Jesus, I think you're right! (The phone rings) Jesus, that's them!

Voice: Admit nothing!

(He hangs up and sits down at his desk, smiling broadly)

Writer: Hello?

Voice on phone (provided by Rob): (speaking in a thick accent of some kind) Hi, it's the director. We're a little confused about this scene where...

(The scenes from Supergirl happen as the director describes it, alternating between them and the scene with the writer)

Voice: ...the old man touches the young girl's face.

Writer: Uh, yeah, that's how it's supposed to be.

Director: And everybody is dressed in nightgowns?

Writer: It's very modern.

Director: And then she's holding a long phallic rod over a ball she's playing with in her hand and then places it near her crotch?

Writer: (awkward pause) '80s!

Director: I guess this is a good point. This is the '80s. Do you mind if we cut the orgies out?

Writer: I think that's fair.

(In the movie, unfortunately, Kara accidentally punctures a hole in the wall, causing the orb and wand to get sucked out into the vacuum of space)

NC (vo): She accidentally pokes a hole in their damn poorly-secured city, as the power source is sucked out.

(Kara starts getting sucked through the hole as well)

Kara: NO!!

Another person [Zor-El (Simon Ward)]: (terrified) Kara!

NC: (as Ethan, holding up index finger) I'll save you, (rolls up sleeves) whoever I am!

(Kara gets rescued by Ethan, however, who glowers at Zaltar)

Zor-El: (accusingly) You took the Omegahedron!

Zaltar: That's not correct, I lost Omegahedron!

Kara: (to Zor-El) Oh, no, Father, I did.

NC: (confused) "Father"? I've seen...

NC (vo): ...identical twins that have more age variations than they do!

Zor-El: No matter who! Without it, this city can't survive more than a few days.

NC (vo): Kara feels responsible for losing the power source, so she takes Zaltar's machine to try and follow it.

Zaltar: (seeing Kara taking off in his machine) KARA! (runs after it)

NC: (as Zaltar, pointing and shaking finger) Stop her!

NC (vo; as Zaltar): She's escaping our pasty-white cult!

NC: (normal) Actually, is there another kind?

(Kara escapes into space to pursue the power source)

NC (vo): While Zaltar is sure she'll be safe going from inner space to outer space, he has a different fate.

Zaltar: (to Zor-El and Allura In-Ze (Mia Farrow)) I must be sent to the Phantom Zone. Your suffering will be short. Mine...forever.

NC: (blinks eyes in confusion) You seem weirdly okay with that.

NC (vo; as Zaltar): Ah, yes, the Phantom Zone, where they show Joel Schumacher's Phantom of the Opera movie 24/7. (as Zor-El) Actually, it's a dark, hellish wasteland where you'll starve to death. (as Zaltar) Oh, that's...almost as bad.

(We then cut to Earth, where we meet the movie's antagonist, Madame Selena (played by Faye Dunaway), a power-hungry witch. She is having a picnic in a park with her boyfriend, Nigel (played by Peter Cook), who pours her some champagne)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, on Earth, Faye Dunaway plays Madame Serena, a stuck-up villain who enjoys taking picnics with her lover, Nigel, played by Peter Cook.

(It is revealed that she is seated on a tiger skin rug)

NC (vo; as Tony the Tiger): They're delllll-esicrating my corpse!

Selena: Such a pretty world. I can't wait until it's all mine.

Nigel: It's a lifetime to discover the secrets of black magic from the ancient grimoires.

NC: Wow, you really tried to make that sound like a normal thing people say.

NC (vo): I'm pretty sure I saw that on one of those...

(Cut to an image of a laughing woman eating salad while Nigel's above line is displayed off to the side)

NC (vo): ...many pictures of women laughing while eating salad.

(Suddenly, the power source, this Omegahedron that was spoken about, streaks down out of the sky like a meteor)

NC (vo): But the power source plunges to Earth with flaming fire and powerful speed...

(The Omegahedron lands with a plop in a bowl of dipping sauce, some of which splashes out on the tiger's head (the bowl was balanced on top). Selena and Nigel, who had ducked out of the way, peek out from hiding)

NC (vo): ...plopping like a urinal cake in a men's room.

Selena: (holding up the Omegahedron, which spins in her hand) Immortality be upon this one. (Nigel peeks out and walks over to her) She is a sharer of the sun's everlasting life. This world will keep her... (whispers) forever.

NC: (as Selena, pretending to hold up the orb) Oh, I mean, what's this?

Selena: (to Nigel, leaving with the Omegahedron) I've just outgrown you, Nigel.

NC (vo): She takes to her car and decides to leave Nigel behind. (as Nigel, who watches her go) But what about mawwiage?

(Selena opens her glove box and hovers the Omegahedron over her car radio)

NC (vo): While using the radio to drop some painful product placements...

(As the radio turns on, the Omegahedron glows)

Radio Announcer: That's TWA. Never has flying been easier.

NC (vo): ...they also decide to advertise (The poster for Superman IV is superimposed) their own lame shit.

(As the radio continues on, Serena hovers the Omegahedron over the key ignition, which is empty. Amazingly, the car turns over without a key, impressing Serena)

Radio Announcer: Superman has indeed embarked on a special peace-seeking mission...

NC: (shrugs) Still a better backstory than Superman Returns. (The opening backstory from that movie is displayed in the corner)

(Kara arrives on Earth in her father's machine, now wearing her Supergirl outfit, and lands in the water, which she flies out of in her new attire)

NC (vo): It looks like Kara also arrives. (beat) In her tights and cape! Underwater! Completely dried! (He notices the obvious string used to pull her out of the water) With the string pulling her out!

(These scenes are all piled on a plate in front of NC, who waves dismissively)

NC: Oh, my God, that's way too much stupid on my plate! I can't possibly handle it all!

NC (vo): I guess I'll just talk about the stupidest part, the costume.

(Cut to footage of Superman for a comparison on his costume)

NC (vo): I mean, yeah, the Superman costume is silly, but it was at least given to him at a very specific time, after he found out who he was, and it's like he's wearing the uniform of his planet.

(Cut back to Supergirl and her outfit)

NC (vo): What the hell is her excuse?

(We are treated to a scene of Kara flying through space in Zaltar's machine)

NC (vo; as Zaltar on radio in machine): This is Zaltar. If you've stolen my ship and you happen to be a woman, please wear the spandex and miniskirt I have left for you in the... I guess I'm not seeing any place I could have put it. Bottom line: Dress hot so I can at least fantasize about you as payment for stealing my property. If you happen to be a man...same applies.

(Kara, now as Supergirl, flies out of the water she landed in and rolls end over end through the air)

NC (vo; as Supergirl): Wha-ha! I shouldn't have sniffed that glue after leaving the Wonkavator behind!

(She lands on the shore by the water and picks up a flower, which she studies closely and sniffs)

NC (vo): She observes her surroundings and tries to figure this whole Earth thing out.

(Next, she picks up a rock and looks at it closely eagerly)

NC (vo; as Supergirl): Hello, I'm gonna call you "Charlie". (She squeezes the rock so hard that she accidentally breaks it) Goodbye, Charlie. (She looks up to see something and runs toward it) Will you be my next Charlie?

(She picks up another flower, and with her laser vision, it blooms)

NC: Oh! So her...

NC (vo): ...death vision does the exact opposite of death vision!

NC: God, this is gonna be so lame!

(She then starts flying through the air, the scenery (full of stock footage) obviously displayed on a green screen effect)

NC (vo): She flies past every romance novel cover the stock footage library had and comes across the city of Chicago.

NC: (dumbfounded, raises index finger) But the poster says...

(The poster for the movie is shown again, clearly showing her in New York, as she flies past the Statue of Liberty)

NC (vo): ...she's in New York. (The camera zooms in on Lady Liberty) Flying out of Lady Liberty's armpit and into our hearts.

NC: (waving with both hands hastily) You know what? Fine! Chicago doesn't need you, superhero movie! We have The Dark Knight and...

(He stops short, however, as posters for Batman v Superman, Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon, Divergent and I, Robot pop up. He tries to come up with a clever argument)

NC: ...Dark Knight's really good!

NC (vo): She drops by the city and discovers two scumbags played by Matt Frewer and Stacy Keach*. Yeah, this movie's weird enough to put them together.

  • NOTE: Actually, while Frewer does play one of the scumbags, the second is actually played by Bill Mitchell, not by Stacy Keach.

Scumbag 1 (Bill Mitchell): (walking around behind Supergirl) Check out the view from back here, Eduardo.

(He lifts up Supergirl's cape to get a good look at her, laughing. She becomes infuriated and slaps him away)

Supergirl: Stop that!

NC: (as Supergirl) I only let father teacher figures stroke me! (The scene of Zaltar stroking Kara is replayed in the corner)

Scumbag 1: (smiling creepily) We're out looking for a good time, and you just won the brass ring, baby.

Supergirl: Why are you doing this?

Scumbag 2 (Frewer): (wearing an A&W shirt and smiling creepily) It's just the way we are.

NC: (as this scumbag) All A&W employees are grab-happy. (beat) On account we never get laid because we're A&W employees. (nods)

(However, Supergirl kicks one of the perverts with such force that he goes flying, and then she blows wind at the other pervert, also sending him flying. Then we cut back to the sketch with the writer (Malcolm))

Director on phone: All right, two truckers approach her, (The writer looks away in embarrassment) play with her skirt, and then she blows them. (pause) You mean, like with your super breath?

Writer: (smiling) Yes! Yes, I do.

(Back to the movie, Selena and Nigel are hosting a fancy party with grotesque decorations)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Madame Selena and Nigel throw a party in her secret lair that's an amusement park haunted house with tons of rich, middle-aged people attending.

(The plate from earlier is on NC's desk again, this time with various images of the party on it)

NC: (waving dismissively and sickly) Please, I really can't do a second helping! (shakes head)

Selena: (to one of the guests) I'm considering nothing less than world domination. (to Nigel) These are my foot soldiers, Nigel, my army of the night.

NC: (as Selena) When they're let out of their retirement homes, they're quite deadly! (looks offscreen) Look!

(In the movie, an elderly man wearing glasses is holding a tray of drinks)

NC (vo; as Selena): The Six Flags guy! (A shot of Mr. Six, the silly old man in the Six Flags commercial appears)

NC: (as Selena) TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION MATERIAL!

NC (vo): Nigel...I think...tries hitting on one of the partygoers, but Selena uses her newfound magic to...

NC: (looks visibly uncomfortable) This...

(The female partygoer in question is suddenly lifted into the air by the Omegahedron, held by Selena. The partygoer is then turned upside-down on her head, with her dress falling down over her head (revealing her panties underneath) and her legs spread out. Then Selena spins the partygoer around in circles. Once again, we then have the sketch of the writer (Malcolm) and the director on the phone. The writer covers his face in embarrassment)

Director: Then the witch turns the lady upside-down, spreads her legs, and has her spinning while her dress over her head.

Writer: Lex Luthor would have done the same.

Director: Would he?

Writer: Yes. (again covers his face)

Director: ...Would he?

Writer: (sharply) Yes!

(In the movie, Supergirl happens upon a baseball game in progress)

NC (vo): Kara flies in wearing her tights, coming across a girls' college with pandas...

NC: Remember a time when that sounded weird?

NC (vo): ...and she attempts to blend in.

(As she walks by several trees, Supergirl's outfit changes)

NC: I like how Brando had to spend years...

(Cut to a clip of the original Superman where Jor-El (played by Marlon Brando) talks to Kal-El)

NC (vo): ...training his son how to use his powers...

NC: And here, it's like...

NC (vo): ..."Walk behind a tree and whatever first year effects students will take over."

Student: (about Kara, masquerading as a student herself) Geez, another barfy new student. They're really scraping the bottom of the barrel these days.

NC: (singing) Consider yourself...a bitch!

NC (vo): So she applies for the school, almost as if she's totally forgotten the power source for her entire species is at stake.

(A clip of the aforementioned scene is shown to prove his point)

Zor-El: Without it, this city can't survive more than a few days.

NC: (as Kara) Yeah, I took my time...

NC (vo; as Kara): ...flying around, looking at horsies. I even applied for a few classes while I was there!

NC: (as Kara) And that's why I'm talking to your tombstone!

Mr. Danvers, the dean (David Healy): (to Kara) I have never before in my life laid eyes on you, have I, young lady?

Kara: No, sir, I'm new here.

Mr. Danvers: Obviously you're new here if I've never laid eyes on you before.

NC: (confused) Is it really that weird that you don't recognize a student at your giant university?

NC (vo; as Mr. Danvers): I know every girl and their feet here! You're just not ringing any bells.

(Mr. Danvers leaves his office and Kara, through her super speed, runs over to a typewriter in the corner and types out a letter, which she then hides in Mr. Danvers's filing cabinet)

NC (vo): She says her name is Linda Lee, and she quickly writes up a recommendation letter from her cousin Clark Kent. Oh, and get this: Nigel just happens to teach there.

Mr. Danvers: (to Kara/Linda) An orphan? Well, don't expect to be treated any differently on that account, Miss Lee. One way or another, we're all alone on this...miserable little planet.

NC: Isn't that what Leonard Maltin said...

(Cut to a shot of Leonard Maltin's description of the movie, presumably in his "Movie Guide" book: "One way or another we're all alone on this...miserable little planet.")

NC (vo): ...in the description of this movie?

(As the movie resumes, there is an A&W soda vending machine in the corner)

NC (vo): She's accepted into A&W Presents College, as she's introduced to her roommate Lucy Lane. (mocking voice) Why, you wouldn't be related to...

Mr. Danvers: (to Lucy) Your sister...

Lucy (Maureen Teefy): Lois.

Mr. Danvers: Ah, yes, that's all.

NC (vo; as Mr. Danvers): What a coincidence! (A shot of Lex Luthor in the Superman movie is shown) I'm Lex Luthor's second uncle from Metropolis, Nigel is (A shot of the following appears next to Nigel...) Perry White's chemistry teacher from Smallville, and Selena is (A shot of Luthor's henchman Otis is shown next to Selena) Otis' dominatrix from Eagle River!

(Cut to a clip of the movie Hot Shots involving a military base)

Soldiers: Eagle River!

(Cut back to Supergirl again, as Lucy sits on her bed, reading)

Lucy: So, who's your cousin?

Kara: Clark Kent.

Lucy: (standing up, surprised) Clark Kent's your cousin?! You're putting me on!

Kara: You know him ?

Lucy: Do I know him ?

NC (as Lucy): Am I the thought-out gene splicing of...

(As we cut back to Lucy, animage of the following appears in the top-left..)

NC (vo; as Lucy): ...Michael Sheen and (Image of the following appears in the top-right corner...) Gollum.

(Kara looks around the room and notices a poster of Superman)

Kara: Do you know him?

Lucy: Superman? My sister's got something goin' with the big guy.

NC (vo): Yup, that's as close to a Christopher Reeve cameo as you're gonna get.

Lucy: A real hunk!

(Kara approaches the poster and she puts her hand on his chest. Once again, we then have the sketch of the writer (Malcolm) and the director on the phone. The writer is considering what he did)

Director: Then, Superman's cousin lustfully reaches out and gropes a picture of his chest.

Writer: Okay, I'll tell you the truth...

Director: Well, that seems fine.

Writer: It is?

(The image of the following comic is then shown)

Director (vo): It was actually a comic where they talk about marrying each other despite being cousins.

Writer: (disgusted) Ew!

Director: What?

Writer: (raises hand) I mean... (shakes his head in disgust) Ew.

Director: Yeah, ew.

(Cut back to the movie again, as Kara tries on a bra over her shirt and fills it while Lucy is changing her clothes, turning away from her)

NC (vo): So, while Kara tries to figure...bras out...

Lucy: (turning around and notices what she's doing) Anyways, I could ask him– What are you doing?

Kara: (noticing her and taking bra off) Oh, nothing (laughs, as Lucy looks at her, perplexed) Nothing

(NC, also confused, lifts up a mug and looks inside. Back to the movie, we return to Selena)

NC (vo): ...Madam Sabrina [sic] tries out a love spell on the college landscaper named Ethan, played by Hart Bochner.

(Selena walks up to a spider web in her lair with a spider clinging to it)

Selena: Take a spider off his web...

(As she plucks the spider off the web, there is a squealing sound, as though made by the spider itself)

NC: Okay, did that spider scream?

(The scene is replayed)

Selena: ...of his web...

(The spider supposedly screams as it's plucked and she drops it into a mixing pot)

NC (vo): There'd be a lot less dead spiders in the world if they can make little cuddly sounds like that.

(NC raises his fist when he sees a spider on his desk)

Spider: OH, GOD, NO! PLEASE, JESUS! THINK OF MY KIDS! (NC rolls his eyes and withdraws his fist, frowning) Oh, thank you, sir!

(Instead, however, NC flicks the spider away. It screams as it's hit. Back to the movie, Selena drops a nut into the pot)

Selena: Boil the nut in oil... (becomes uncomfortable as she looks at her fingers) into which has been added...some of the web. (tries to shake off the webbing into the pot)

NC: (shakes head) Boy, "The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina" isn't living up to the hype like I thought it would.

NC (vo): Ethan reaches the house of Mad Madam Dim as she sneaks him the potion to see if it works.

Selena: You know, I thought we might get to know each other a little more before we, uh, dig in and...talk real...turkey.

NC: (as Selena) Like they said, "MILF &dnash; It does a body good."

(Ethan drinks the potion and stares at Selena)

NC: (as Ethan) Look, I can get you a Rolex, but that's the extent of what I can offer.

NC (vo): He gets lightheaded, though, and panics, running away. Selena uses her magic mirror...

NC: Because superheroes and fairy tales are the same thing.

NC (vo): ...and he stumbles across to where Linda is about to have lunch.

(At the restaurant, a Popeye's Chicken franchise, Jimmy Olsen (played by Marc McClure) is getting a lunch)

Jimmy: (taking the lunch) Thank you.

NC (vo): Oh, look! They couldn't get Superman, so they got Jimmy Olsen, the person you'd most like to see Superman punch!

(At the restaurant, Jimmy sits down with Kara/Linda and Lucy)

Jimmy: Thanks for inviting me, Lucy.

Lucy: I'm glad you could come, Jimmy.

NC: (as Jimmy) Well, I was the only original cast member you could afford.

(Suddenly, a diesel-powered shovel engine, brought to life by a spell cast by Selena, smashes through a fence)

NC (vo): But Selena tries using magic to grab Ethan and bring him back.

(Ethan backs away from the advancing machine, but trips and falls. He crawls along on his hands and knees while the shovel continues its menacing advance toward him)

NC (vo; as Ethan): Maybe if I show it my butt, that'll help.

(It doesn't, of course, and the shovel catches Ethan in its mechanical jaws, which close over him, trapping him inside. The shovel lifts its jaws off the ground)

NC: Even for a series that had...

(Cut to a shot of Superman III, showing...)

NC (vo): ...Superman drunk at a bar...

NC: (shrugs) ...this is pretty silly.

NC (vo): But Supergirl appears to finally do some actual crimefighting.

(Having risen above Popeye's, Supergirl spots a scene of chaos caused by the diesel-powered shovel)

Voice: (calling out to NC) Uh, excuse me?

(NC looks toward the door to spot Supergirl herself (Tamara), who knocks on his open door)

NC: Oh, hey, Supergirl. What's up?

Supergirl: You're doing such a good job. I really love the review and everything.

NC: (touched, placing his hand over his heart) Thank you for that. It's very kind of you to say it.

Supergirl: Don't mention it. I do have one small question, if that's okay.

NC: Oh, absolutely. What is it?

Supergirl: (suddenly screaming angrily) WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MOVIE?!?! (NC recoils, startled) We're already halfway through this film and I'm only now doing something action-related?!

NC: (nervously) Oh, well, I just don't think they really knew what to do with your character back then. Lady superheroes, for some reason, were really awkward for people to write in the past.

Supergirl: Well, does it get better for me in the future?

NC: (runs his finger across his cell phone) Oh, absolutely. Why, just one year later... (looks up to her) they kill you!

Supergirl: (incredulously) WHAT?!

(A shot of the comic showing the death of Supergirl is shown: "Crisis on Infinite Earths")

NC (vo): Yeah, in the comic series called "Crisis on Infinite Earths".

(Supergirl is stunned as NC continues to look at information on his phone)

NC: And you don't seem to show back up for a really, really, (eyes widen briefly) really long time.

Supergirl: Balls!

NC: (hastily trying to placate her) But they do bring you back in the '90s!

Supergirl: Really? How does that go?

(Suddenly, there is a crash as who should fall into the room but...another Supergirl (the '90s version), played by Aiyanna)

NC: (blinks eyes nervously) About as...'90s as you would expect.

Supergirl: Who the hell are you?!

90s Supergirl: I'm '90s Supergirl!

Supergirl: You're the badass hero everyone's supposed to get behind?

90s Supergirl: I know I look a little dated, but people can still take me seriously!

(Then yet another woman enters, a nerdy high schooler who looks a lot like Daria (played by Heather Reusz))

Daria: (to 90s Supergirl) Come on, Quinn, we're gonna be late for class.

90s Supergirl: What??

Daria: Don't worry, I won't tell your five boyfriends you weren't a human fashion accessory for a minute.

90s Supergirl: I am not a high school bimbo! I'm a superhero!

Daria: (realizing her mistake) Oh... Of course. (walks away nervously)

90s Supergirl: Anyway, even though my outfit is, like, a little distracting, doesn't make me any less...

(Suddenly, she is interrupted again as Bugs Bunny appears, wearing his basketball jersey from Space Jam)

Bugs (voiced by Doug): Okay, Lola, (NC scratches his neck nervously) if you want to defeat the Mean Team, you have to distract them with your feminine wiles.

90s Supergirl: (shouting in frustration) DUDE, I AM NOT A SEXY CARTOON BUNNY, I AM A SUPERHERO!

Bugs: Oh... Of course... (backs away while Supergirl massages her forehead)

NC: You see? You're gonna be timeless!

(Supergirl glares at him while a panel of a Supergirl comic is shown of a time she dated a horse appears next to NC)

NC: Wanna hear about that time you dated a horse?

(Supergirl grunts in frustration and leaves the room in a huff. NC runs his finger across his phone as he looks at it)

NC: (surprised) Twice! (nods)

(On that note, we go to a commercial break. Upon return, the movie resumes with Supergirl appearing on top of the Popeye's restaurant to see the destruction and panic caused by the diesel-powered shovel)

NC (vo): So Supergirl arrives to stop the panic in the streets.

(People run out of the restaurant to see what's going, including Lucy and Jimmy)

NC: Oh, she's so not used to our Earth ways.

(The scene of people running in panic is shown again)

NC (vo): This is just what happens when Popeye runs out of chicken sandwiches.

NC: Honestly, this is one of the better occurrences.

(Supergirl flies through the air towards the rogue shovel, accidentally kicking up hay and debris in her wake, which gets in people's faces, including Jimmy Olsen's, who covers his face)

NC: Ah, Jimmy Olsen...

NC (vo): ...the only Superman character to get defeated by hay.

(Meanwhile, Supergirl catches up with the rogue shovel and grabs onto it)

NC: (as Supergirl) I'll save you from this...

(As the scene continues, an image of Donald Duck's steam shovel from his cartoon Dragon Around is shown)

NC (vo; as Supergirl): ...live-action Donald Duck cartoon!

(Supergirl rips the shovel off the engine and puts it down gently in a yard, then changes back into Linda Lee)

NC (vo): Linda changes back, and naturally, Ethan sees her and immediately falls in love due to the spell.

Linda: You're gonna be all right. There's no broken bones.

NC (vo; as Linda): I hope this hasn't put you off construction excavators. Statistically speaking, it is the safest way to travel.

Ethan: I love you.

Linda: (surprised) You love me?

Ethan: (emerging) With all my heart forever.

(Suddenly, to Linda's surprise, he kisses her)

NC: (as Ethan) Linda? Boopy? I'm your white knight.

Ethan: A bird of free and careless wing was I through many a smiling spring. The cold repulse, the look askance, the lightning of love's angry glance.

NC: Yeah, love apparently also ups your vocabulary to Malkovich levels.

(A clip of Con Air is shown, showing Cyrus the Virus (John Malkovich))

Cyrus: My own proclivities are often lamented...

NC: (holding up hand in irritation) GOT IT!

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Selena and Clyde* put together that Supergirl must be one of Nigel's students.

  • NOTE: Actually, Selena's acquaintance is named Bianca.

Selena: I worry about everything. It's my job. (Bianca walks up to her, but she holds out her hand) Stand back.

Bianca (Brenda Vaccaro): Oh, come on now. She's just a teenager.

(As NC speaks below, a shot of Helen Slater's page on IMDB is shown, showing that she was born on December 15, 1963)

NC (vo; as Brenda): A 21-year-old teenager.

NC: Seriously, "girl" should be put in quotes.

(As he says this, the poster for the movie is shown, with "girl" in Supergirl having quotes around it)

Selena: (holding out her arms) Take...shape.

(Lightning flashes and the room darkens)

NC (vo): She unleashes an evil creature called the Shadow to track her down and destroy her.

(The room shakes as the furniture gets thrown around. An evil sound is heard, accompanied by wind, which blows in Selena and Bianca's faces)

NC (vo; as the Shadow): Zuul, motherfu– Oh, wait, is this Supergirl? Oh, hell no, I'm going after the Stranger Things kids!

(The Shadow leaves, smashing through a hole in the wall as it does so. We then cut back to Linda)

NC (vo): As Linda starts to realize she kinda likes being violated, and even practices kissing in the mirror...

NC: Fun fact: That's how Jared Leto wishes kissing worked.

NC (vo): ...the monster finds her and attacks. And of course, to save on money, the monster is invisible.

NC: (massaging his temples in frustration) Are you telling me they didn't do enough...

(A montage of shots of the A&W logo in the movie is shown)

NC (vo): ...A&W shout-outs to afford a monster...

NC: ...that isn't just air?!?!

NC (vo): Jesus, what a bunch of cheapskates!

NC: By the way, this episode is brought to you by... (The A&W logo appears on the screen) D'OH!

(Linda, once again Supergirl, breaks off a lamppost and takes to the air with it. Lightning zaps the post)

NC (vo): She takes a lamppost into the sky, gets it struck by lightning, and uses the electricity to kill the monster.

(The vague shape of the Shadow is shown as the electricty zaps it)

NC: (grinning) Like they teach you in school.

(Selena finds out about the Shadow's defeat and storms around in a tantrum)

Selena: Every time! Send a man to do a woman's job, and that's what you get!

NC: You have no idea if that monster's a male. I'm insulted!

NC (vo): I love how the head of the dorm sees her in the costume and tells her to go back into uniform, which just confirms changing her hair color really doesn't disguise her at all.

Head of the dorm: Get out of that ridiculous costume!

Supergirl: Yes, ma'am.

Head of the dorm: And cover your legs!

Supergirl: Yes, ma'am.

NC (vo): Next, you'll be telling me...

(Cut to a shot of He-Man)

NC (vo): ...the removal of clothes doesn't camouflage He-Man!

NC: (with images of He-Man and Supergirl in front of him) You know what you're both missing! (Glasses appear on the two characters' images) That's better. (nods)

NC (vo): Linda locates where Selena is, but unfortunately, Ethan locates Linda, still under the love spell.

Ethan: (holding a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates in his hand) Lovely Linda Lee, these roses pale beside thee.

Linda: Well, thank you, but I'm–

Ethan: And sweet chocolates for my sweet Linda.

NC: (the title for Netflix's You is shown in the corner) Man, the third season of You looks surprisingly heartwarming.

Ethan: (trying to escort her to a bumper car ride) Please?

Linda: (uncomfortably) Well... all right, but just for a minute.

NC (vo; as Linda): I suppose stopping a Satanic mistress of the black arts can be put aside for flirting. This whole movie is based on me putting things off, you know.

Ethan: Her soft caressed it at once, renewing the beating of his broken heart.

Linda: Are you crazy?

Ethan: Marry me?

NC: (as Linda) D'aw, I love a romance based on a person's complete absence of free will.

(But before Linda and Ethan can kiss, the ride lights up, and Selena and Bianca confront them)

Selena: What a touching scene.

NC: (as Linda) Oh, right, there's, like, a ton of lives to save, but BOYS!

(Ethan finds himself on the floor of a bumper car ride, with all the cars being themed to look like football players)

NC (vo): Selena places Ethan in the world's fucking weirdest bumper cars and performs a one-woman chorus line.

(Selena forms many clones of herself and uses them to surround Linda, now Supergirl, who then grabs some metal poles and tosses them around Selena, forming a makeshift cage around her)

NC (vo): Supergirl encages her, though, and gets Ethan to safety.

(Supergirl spots Ethan in one of the bumper cars and lifts him into the air. She flies off, carrying him through the city, while the sun rises. Now daytime, she then flies him through a forest setting)

NC: (clutching at his head) Just when I thought this movie couldn't show me any more fucking bizarre shit...!

(Cut to a shot of the original Superman movie, showing Superman flying through the air with Lois Lane)

NC (vo): Oh, you thought the Superman-Lois flying scene was romantic?

(Cut back to Supergirl flying the bumper car through the air)

NC (vo): Well, you've never seen it in a bumper car shaped like Tom Brady bookends, have you?

Ethan: What's going on? Hello! Put me down!

(Supergirl does so, in the middle of a woodsy setting next to a lake, far outside of town)

NC (vo): She flies him to those landmark Illinois mountains as Ethan tries to figure out what's going on.

Ethan: (to Supergirl) Where's my Linda?

Supergirl: Take it easy.

NC: (as Ethan) Linda has brown hair! (points to screen) You don't have brown hair!

(Suddenly, a rock, hurled through the air, comes down on Ethan's head, knocking him out)

Supergirl: Ethan!

NC: (shaking head) You know, it's like they took a promising idea and then throughout the whole thing went...

(NC takes a thermos covered in red and silver sequins, with the word "AWFUL" labeled on it, and makes a pouring motion left and right)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Selena calls upon Nigel's talents in black magic to try and get Ethan back, in a sequence that...

NC: ...well, defies explanation, honestly.

(Selena holds up the Omegahedron and Nigel a wand that looks like a feather duster covered in bones and aim it in the direction of the camera. They activate the powers, which make strange sounds, and the Omegahedron lights up and spins)

NC: (listlessly, his head resting on his hand) Are they trying to hypnotize us?

NC (vo; as Nigel): You will tell people this is a good movie. (as Selena) You will tell them the critics were wrong and Lynda Carter doesn't deserve to smell Helen Slater shit! (as both in unison) Please, we're desperate!

(Meanwhile, as Supergirl and Ethan, who has come to, start to kiss, Ethan suddenly disappears! He reappears in Selena's lair, lying on a bed, all chained up)

NC: Well, John Waters just wished upon a star.

Bianca: Oh, my God!

NC (vo): I get the restraints around his arms, but why the multitude around his crotch?! Was Nigel like...

NC: (as Nigel) "I've seen you Weinstein many a young man. This one is mine!"

(Supergirl is stunned to find that Ethan has disappeared)

NC (vo; as Supergirl): I've been waiting three hours for you to kiss me! Wait, what?

(Supergirl takes off to find Ethan. Meanwhile, Selena pretends to embrace Nigel)

NC (vo): Selena steals Nigel's rod... (She runs her hand down his body) No, the other one. (grabs the feather/bone-covered from his hand) There you go...and uses the combined powers to create her own evil fortress in town.

(Said evil fortress is a very tall mountain. Meanwhile, Supergirl continues her flight through town, so fast that it seems like the cars are driving VERY fast down the road)

NC (vo; as Supergirl): So long, Chicago! Still doing nothing cool with you! Boy, those cars are driving fast.

(At last, Supergirl arrives at Selena's mountainous lair, which has caused a massive traffic jam as cars are stopped and people are standing outside their cars to stare at this monstrosity)

NC (vo; as Selena): I will destroy the Power Rangers, or my name isn't Selena Repulsa! (cackles, then normal) Supergirl crashes through the window, and by "crash", I mean "politely opens", as Selena entraps her in...an invisible wall.

NC: (exasperatedly throwing his arms around) WHY DON'T YOU MAKE EVERYTHING INVISIBLE?!? (points right; as Selena) Look!

(A shot of Selena's fireplace is shown)

NC (vo): An invisible dragon!

NC: (gestures left) Beware!

(Another section of Selena's lair is shown)

NC (vo): My invisible army!

NC: (pointing right again) Look!

(Some dangling chains in the lair are shown)

NC (vo): Margot Kidder!

NC: SHE'S INVISIBLE!!

(Supergirl is sent flying through space to the Phantom Zone)

NC (vo): She sends Supergirl flying through space...

(She passes by General Zod, Ursa and Non on the way)

NC (vo; as Zod): Hey, you! Kneel... Ah, forget it. (normal again) ...as she's sent to the Phantom Zone, where her powers disappear.

(She tries to fly, only to fall flat on her face)

NC: (shrugs) Eh, about as graceful as how she usually flies. (In the corner, an earlier scene of her flying clumsily is shown)

(Supergirl picks up a rock and stares at it)

NC (vo; as Supergirl): Oh, this rock has my blood in it. (She drops the rock to notice her hand is bleeding) Wait, my blood is my blood!

(Back on Earth, Selena has made herself ruler of the planet, when some students from the school arrive to protest)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, the students back at home have a foolproof way of getting rid of this evil supervillain: protesting!

NC: (listlessly) Yeah, we're in a college town all right.

Selena: (to the police) Seize them!

(The police charge and seize some of the scattering protesters)

NC (vo; as one protester): Oh, if only we could protest with completely anonymity! (as another protester) Computer nerds, get on it!

(Back in the Phantom Zone, Supergirl has passed out in a mud pit, but is helped out by someone else there)

NC (vo): While Selena imprisons them, Supergirl comes across an old friend in the Phantom Zone.

Supergirl: (overjoyed at who it is) Zaltar!

Zaltar: (holding up a bottle) Squirt.

Supergirl: Zaltar, it's me, it's-it's Kara.

Zaltar: (holding up bottle) Squirt.

(Supergirl opens her mouth and Zaltar starts to squirt into it. We cut back to the sketch once again of the writer (Malcolm) and the director on the phone. The writer has his face buried in his hands in embarrassment and shame as the director continues to speak)

Director: And the young woman covered in goo approaches her touchy-feely mentor and is told to open her mouth and receive a squirt.

Writer: Why haven't you fired me yet?

Director: I'm not a smart person. Now, back to the scene where a man's genitals are chained to a bed...

NC (vo): Zaltar discusses the one way out, as, of course, it's incredibly dangerous and they'll have only one shot at it. Selena watches their attempt on her magic mirror.

(Inside, Zaltar is helping push Supergirl up)

Zaltar: Higher, girl! Higher!

Supergirl: Come with me!

(Once more, we go again to the sketch with the writer, who is sadly lying face down at his desk, while the director continues over the phone)

Director: Umm...

(Without saying a word, the writer grabs the phone and raises it up and then slams it back down on, ending the phone call. In the movie, Supergirl manages to fly again, but Zaltar stays behind in the Phantom Zone, getting sucked away forever)

NC (vo): Zaltar falls behind, but Supergirl makes it through to finish off Selena.

(Supergirl flies out through Selena's mirror, shattering it in the process, and back into her lair)

Supergirl: You've had your fun, Selena! The game is finished!

NC: (scoffs; as Selena) Back to the Phantom Zone!

(He snaps his fingers and the scene of Supergirl being sent to the Phantom Zone replays)

NC: (as Selena) That was too easy!

NC (vo): No, she instead uses her powers to mildly annoy her to death.

(Selena uses her powers to shift the ground under Supergirl, who tries to keep her balance)

NC (vo; as Supergirl): Oh, if only I could fly... (Suddenly, she does so) I can fly!

Selena: (raising her arms) Appear!

(Smoke fills the room as a gigantic demon (a real one, not an invisible one) appears)

NC (vo): Selena summons honestly a pretty cool-looking monster, but don't worry, what little cred was won will be lost with this.

(The demon overwhelms Supergirl, who struggles to break free of its grasp, stretching out in a cheesy way in the process. Nigel and some of the imprisoned protesters (including Lucy and Jimmy) look on in horror. Lucy looks away)

NC (vo; as Lucy): I can't watch, it's too lame an effect!

(Supergirl strains to break free, and at last, she does so. Then she shrinks down and starts flying in a circle around Selena, faster and faster, until she forms a tornado)

NC (vo): So get this: she breaks free and then shrinks down to spin around her. It's the Tasmanian Devil-Speedy Gonzales-Ant-Man powers everybody knows she has! (Selena is trapped in Supergirl's tornado and is lifted up toward where the monster is) She raises Selena up to the monster, which, for some reason, means he wants to destroy her now. (Selena screams as the monster sees her) I'm sure this is explained somewhere, but then I'd have to rewind it and...

NC: (shakes head) I just don't have the bravery.

(Selena screams as the tornado spins wildly around the room. It catches Bianca in the tornado as well, which then sucks them all in toward the mirror)

Bianca: (as she's sucked in) No, no, no, no, nooooo!

NC (vo; in a voice like Iago): Hey, come on! You're the genie, you're the genie!

(The tornado sucks Selena, Bianca and the demon into the mirror, which magically fixes itself, as Supergirl poses proudly in front of it. Ethan, now free of Selena's spell, hands Supergirl the Omegahedron)

NC (vo): The day is saved, the power source is returned, and... (Jimmy and Lucy embrace each other)

NC: (wide-eyed surprised) I guess this was a thing.

NC (vo): Any "Super" property where Jimmy gets laid is wrong, ugly and wrong!

(Ethan watches Supergirl fly away, passing by his head in the process)

Ethan: Goodbye, Linda.

NC (vo; as Ethan): Whoa! She flew right through my brain! Hey, am I still under that spell or what? Ah, who cares? (He walks off as a shot of Ethan in Batman: The Animated Series is shown in the corner) Off to stop Batman.

(As Supergirl flies through the air, she holds the Omegahedron in her hand, and it glows. She dives into the water in the lake where she first arrived when she first arrived on Earth. She then flies back to her home planet)

NC (vo): She goes back to inner space back to inner space, presumably using the power source and...

(Suddenly, her planet lights up and the end credits start to roll ("An Alexander and Ilya Salkind Production"))

NC (vo): ...we're done! That's it!

(The closing scene from Superman is shown)

NC (vo): Yeah, where Superman had a nice epilogue that took its time...

(The closing of Supergirl replays)

NC (vo): ...this has Supergirl humming her theme song underwater. (as Supergirl, pretending to hum the theme underwater (making bubbling sounds and all)) Supergirl!

NC: And that was...one of the dumbest things I've ever seen in my life! (smiles a goofy smile)

(Footage of this movie is shown one last time as NC provides his closing thoughts)

NC (vo): Yeah, as much I've crapped on it, it truly is one of those films that's so bad, it's a ton of fun. The choices made are so weird and baffling, and the inconsistencies in everything from story to acting to effects is part of what makes it a surreal joy. I do feel kind of bad, as this director has done plenty of good things, and even those actors are clearly trying. They do have unique deliveries that stand out, and maybe in a more focused production, they could have brought a lot of charm out of these characters. But as written, they're laughably bad. But at least they are enjoyable in their own bizarre way. If you're on the lookout for campy madness that has no idea what it wants to be or how it wants to be, then look up in the sky. It's a turd...it's a pain...it's...Supergirl.

Voice: So that's it?

(NC looks up to see who spoke: it's Supergirl (Tamara) again)

Supergirl: Outside of comics, I won't be remembered for anything other than being a campy joke?

NC: Well, (shrugs) you never know. Maybe the future has something good in store.

(Suddenly, Supergirl's phone (a Mac phone, apparently) rings, and she answers it)

Supergirl: Hello?

(It's the writer (Malcolm) from the recurring sketch in this episode. He is talking to her on his speaker phone)

Writer: Supergirl! Long time no you.

Supergirl: I thought we've agreed you've ruined my life enough.

Writer: It's all right. They're giving me another chance to turn it all around.

Supergirl: Really?

Writer: Get this: You're gonna have your own live-action show!

Supergirl: (excited) What?! That's amazing!

Writer: With musical numbers, a lot of goofy humor, and some of the actors from the original movie.

Supergirl: (less excited now) What?

Writer: Oh, and we're also giving you a cartoon show called DC Super Hero Girls, where you all go to a super high school full of girls?

Supergirl: (sourly) Seriously?

Writer: Oh, and another show called Justice League Action, where we make you look like Betty Boop if she were an anime character.

Supergirl: STOP! I've had it! I'm done with this! I've been through every crazy reboot, retool and revamp that you can destroy! Okay, I am a complicated character that deserves a little dignity and a little respect! You think any of those shows are gonna show me that kind of courtesy?!

Writer: (shrugs) Well, if you don't do it, we'll just find another Supergirl.

Supergirl: Ho-ho-ho, fine! Get whoever you want! I'm not falling for it again, mister! There's no way that you can make a critical and crowd-pleasing hit with–

(Suddenly, we are cut off from her ranting by shots of TV shows featuring Supergirl: Supergirl (the 2015 series), as well as the aforementioned Justice League Action and DC Super Hero Girls)

Announcer (Malcolm): Supergirl, Justice League Action and DC Super Hero Girls are critical, crowd-pleasing hits, with their smart writing, great sense of humor, and surprising respect for their characters. Only a fool would have passed on these projects!

(We cut to NC's black couch where NC and Supergirl are staring at the TV screen which is showing this ad)

Announcer: That seems very specific, but that's what they're paying me to say.

NC: (to Supergirl) Want to hear about the time you became a saleswoman for Radio Shack? (Supergirl stares at her and he pokes her in the nose) Beep!

Channel Awesome taglineZaltar: Squirt. Squirt.

(The credits roll)

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