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in: Article stubs, The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts, Transcripts,
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Changes: Suicide Squad

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(''Chart Guy 1 claps his hands, and the opening credits explode onto the screen, with neon colors, and guns and grenades flying all over the place'')
  
(''Chart Guy 1 claps his hands, and the opening credits explode onto the screen, with neon colors, and guns and grenades flying all over the place'')
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NC: Hey all right! That ain't half bad!
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Chart Guy 2: Nothing says dark and gritty like bright and neon.
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NC: All right, this is getting me hyped up! I'm ready for action!
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(Before NC can leave, Chart Guy 1 grabs him by the shoulder and pushes him back down to the chair)
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Chart Guy 2: Negative. Our charts show that some people prefer it when you sit at a desk and do nothing.
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NC: Oh come on. Who would want to start Suicide Squad with someone just sitting down for 20 minutes just talking about the main characters? (The three of them look at the camera)
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(The next scene is at a dimly lit meeting table with Doug and Tamara Chambers when Amanda Waller (Adonis KJ Wright) slaps a binder marked NUTS down on the table)
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NC (vo): So we start Suicide Squad with someone sitting down for 20 minutes just talking about the main characters. Her name is Amanda, played by Viola Davis. (A splash screen for Amanda Waller comes up with bullet points. -"Intelligence" Officer. -Just Won an Oscar. -Never Smiles, so She's Meeeeeeeean) She's an intelligence officer with an idea so insane it's just crazy enough not to work.
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Amanda: Who do we call when the next Superman comes to take us out?
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Doug: Wonder Woman.
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Amanda: No.
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Tamara: The Flash.
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Amanda: No.
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Doug: Aquaman.
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Amanda: No.
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Tamara: Cyborg.
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Amanda: No.
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Doug: Batman.
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Amanda: No.
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Tamara: Lego Batman.
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Amanda: How about the villains those heroes fought?
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Doug: (he closes the binder) Nope.
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(THE END!)
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NC: No no, even though it would arguably save hundreds of lives, that's not what happens.
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NC (vo): They actually hear her out.
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Amanda: If another person as strong as Superman comes, we have to be ready.
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Tamara: Are you seriously telling me that supervillains will do less harm than Superman?
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Doug: Did you forget how good Metropolis looked after Superman saved it from Zod--Okay yeah, you have a point.
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Tamara: Okay, let's have a look at these crazies.
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Amanda: Our first mugshot is Deadshot. (Deadshot played by Malcolm)
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(Deadshot: -Survivor of Collateral Beauty. -Has mask made of Nike shoe -Doesn't like it if you say "he shoots blanks.")
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Amanda: Deadliest assassin around and possible savior of Will Smith's career. (A gunman (Doug) holds up Deadshot. He just shoots up and the gunman drops dead) It also turns out he has a daughter (also Malcolm) who knows how to play peacekeeper when he pisses off the wrong people.
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(Suddenly Batman (Doug) drops down)
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Batman: It's over, Deadpool.
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Deadshot: Deadshot!
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Batman: Oh. Well this movie got a lot less cool.
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(Deadshot aims his own rifle at Batman. Batman cocks his own gun as well)
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Batman: Oh please!
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Daughter: No! Killing him won't solve anything! It'll just turn you into a coldhearted monster that any decent human being would immediately lose affection for!
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(Deadshot is considering his daughter's words)
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Batman: Yeah well that's never stopped me before. Now move out of the way, kid, I'm gonna shoot your daddy.
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Daughter: I was talking to him, not you!
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Batman: Oh, sorry! Usually when people are angry about a costumed man killing people, it's about me.
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Deadshot: You win, kid.
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(He lowers his gun for his daughter's sake)
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Batman: Oh, but I wanted to kill him! (He still shoots Deadshot in the leg, taking him down) I'm Batman!
   
 
{{Stub}}
  
{{Stub}}

Revision as of 20:05, 20 May 2017

Suicide Squad

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Released
May 16, 2017
Duration
32:22
Previous
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(After the full version of Channel Awesome logo and the NC2017 intro, we fade to the Nostalgia Critic at his desk)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

(Suddenly, the Chart Guys (Rob and Malcolm) rudely cut in)

Chart Guy 1 (Rob): Stop it, stop!

(They grab a binder on the table and take it away)

Chart Guys: Reshoot, reshoot, reshoot!

NC: (frustrated) What are you guys doing here?!

Chart Guy 1: The chart says we need to redo the review!

NC: (incredulous) But who has authority?

Chart Guy 2 (Malcolm): (examining the binder, which reads "The Plot") D.C.

Chart Guy 1: The Department of Cameos.

Chart Guy 2: Remember when you made the trailer for this review? The one with the pop song?

NC: You mean the one I was told to do like another comic book trailer that may or may not have a talking raccoon in it?

Chart Guy 1: (quickly, to camera) We can't confirm nor deny that.

Chart Guy 2: Well, it was a big hit, and we need to add more comic.

NC: You're changing halfway just because a competitor is doing better?

Chart Guy 1: Well, D.C. is usually a few months behind. (beat) Years. (quickly and quietly) Decades.

Chart Guy 2: It's okay, we're doing it for the fans.

NC: Doing what?

Chart Guy 2: (writing in binder with a Black Magic Marker) Cutting out what they liked the most.

Chart Guy 1: Let's go GOP on this sucker!

(NC sighs and facepalms himself)

Chart Guy 2: Now, since we're incorporating more humor, obviously we have to drop the clown.

Chart Guy 1: Well, that goes without saying.

NC: Oh, I wouldn't do that.

(Unbeknownst to the Chart Guys, a man (Jim Jarosz) dressed like the Joker appears between them)

Chart Guy 2: Why not?

Joker: (putting his arm around Chart Guy 2) Hi!

(The Chart Guys yelp in shock; Chart Guy 1 runs and cowers behind NC, while Chart Guy 2 stands there looking petrified)

NC: Yeah, Jim's been playing Joker offset like Jared Leto did on the movie.

Joker: Oh, by the way, (holds up a manila envelope) here you go.

(Joker tosses envelope to NC, who catches it)

Chart Guy 1: What?

NC: Yeah, he mails this shit like Leto, too, because the real Joker would do that. (NC reaches inside envelope, pulling out a set of anal beads) Ah, look, anal beads. (holds them next to Chart Guy 1)

Chart Guy 1: AH!

NC: Just like the real master of crime. How is this even funny? The Joker is supposed to be funny.

Joker: Knock, knock.

NC: Who's there?

Joker: You’re holding anal beads! HAHAHAHA!! (Joker’s grill falls off his teeth while he laughs)

Chart Guy 2: Your authentic grills are falling out.

Joker: Well, I'm a man of many surprises.

Chart Guy 2: You're sure they aren't just plastic teeth?

Joker: I'M A MAN OF MANY SURPRISES!!

Chart Guy 2: Okay, okay...

(Joker continues laughing, finally pulling out his other fake grill)

Chart Guy 1: Listen, Jim...

Joker: Jim? Who's Jim? Sounds like a handsome guy.

Chart Guy 1: Joker.

(Joker still looks confused)

Chart Guy 1: ...Jared Leto playing Joker?

Joker: Yyeeees?

Chart Guy 1: I'm gonna have to call him that every time, aren't I?

NC: You're gonna have to call him that every time, yeah.

Chart Guy 1: Oh, my God... Listen, we appreciate that you're trying to create buzz, but doesn't the Joker murder people and blow up buildings?

Joker: Yeah, but that's like, dangerous. I'd rather just pretend that stuff.

NC: Oh, just like the real Joker.

Chart Guy 1: Yeah.

NC: So, uh, while you're pretending to do that other stuff, why don't you also pretend that you're doing this "second grader discovering what a troll is" shtick?

Joker: (after a beat) Well, I...

NC: Wouldn't be able to act like an asshole for no reason?

Chart Guy 2: Oh, just like the real Jared Leto.

NC: No, no! (cringes)

Joker: Yeah... So it's totally justified. I'm deeper than I thought. Which I can also say for those anal beads.

NC: AH! (drops them in disgust)

Joker: SCOOBY-DOOBY DOO! (zips out of the room)

NC: Cut him out. You can cut him out all you want.

(Chart Guy 2 starts crossing out)

Chart Guy 1: Agreed. Though we're also gonna have to reshoot the opening credits.

NC: What? How?

(Chart Guy 1 claps his hands, and the opening credits explode onto the screen, with neon colors, and guns and grenades flying all over the place)

NC: Hey all right! That ain't half bad!

Chart Guy 2: Nothing says dark and gritty like bright and neon.

NC: All right, this is getting me hyped up! I'm ready for action!

(Before NC can leave, Chart Guy 1 grabs him by the shoulder and pushes him back down to the chair)

Chart Guy 2: Negative. Our charts show that some people prefer it when you sit at a desk and do nothing.

NC: Oh come on. Who would want to start Suicide Squad with someone just sitting down for 20 minutes just talking about the main characters? (The three of them look at the camera)

(The next scene is at a dimly lit meeting table with Doug and Tamara Chambers when Amanda Waller (Adonis KJ Wright) slaps a binder marked NUTS down on the table)

NC (vo): So we start Suicide Squad with someone sitting down for 20 minutes just talking about the main characters. Her name is Amanda, played by Viola Davis. (A splash screen for Amanda Waller comes up with bullet points. -"Intelligence" Officer. -Just Won an Oscar. -Never Smiles, so She's Meeeeeeeean) She's an intelligence officer with an idea so insane it's just crazy enough not to work.

Amanda: Who do we call when the next Superman comes to take us out?

Doug: Wonder Woman.

Amanda: No.

Tamara: The Flash.

Amanda: No.

Doug: Aquaman.

Amanda: No.

Tamara: Cyborg.

Amanda: No.

Doug: Batman.

Amanda: No.

Tamara: Lego Batman.

Amanda: How about the villains those heroes fought?

Doug: (he closes the binder) Nope.

(THE END!)

NC: No no, even though it would arguably save hundreds of lives, that's not what happens.

NC (vo): They actually hear her out.

Amanda: If another person as strong as Superman comes, we have to be ready.

Tamara: Are you seriously telling me that supervillains will do less harm than Superman?

Doug: Did you forget how good Metropolis looked after Superman saved it from Zod--Okay yeah, you have a point.

Tamara: Okay, let's have a look at these crazies.

Amanda: Our first mugshot is Deadshot. (Deadshot played by Malcolm)

(Deadshot: -Survivor of Collateral Beauty. -Has mask made of Nike shoe -Doesn't like it if you say "he shoots blanks.")

Amanda: Deadliest assassin around and possible savior of Will Smith's career. (A gunman (Doug) holds up Deadshot. He just shoots up and the gunman drops dead) It also turns out he has a daughter (also Malcolm) who knows how to play peacekeeper when he pisses off the wrong people.

(Suddenly Batman (Doug) drops down)

Batman: It's over, Deadpool.

Deadshot: Deadshot!

Batman: Oh. Well this movie got a lot less cool.

(Deadshot aims his own rifle at Batman. Batman cocks his own gun as well)

Batman: Oh please!

Daughter: No! Killing him won't solve anything! It'll just turn you into a coldhearted monster that any decent human being would immediately lose affection for!

(Deadshot is considering his daughter's words)

Batman: Yeah well that's never stopped me before. Now move out of the way, kid, I'm gonna shoot your daddy.

Daughter: I was talking to him, not you!

Batman: Oh, sorry! Usually when people are angry about a costumed man killing people, it's about me.

Deadshot: You win, kid.

(He lowers his gun for his daughter's sake)

Batman: Oh, but I wanted to kill him! (He still shoots Deadshot in the leg, taking him down) I'm Batman!

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