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Sucker Punch

SuckerPunchNC

Release Date
November 25, 2020
Running Time
27:22
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(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, followed by the NC title sequence)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember– What the hell did I just watch?

(The title for Sucker Punch is shown, followed by clips of the movie)

NC (vo): Back in 2011, when director Zack Snyder could do no wrong...or... (A promo shot of Zack Snyder's upcoming Justice League on HBO Max is superimposed) can he still? I don't know, I can't keep up with you guys anymore... he released his passion project with maybe a little too much passion, according to some people, called Sucker Punch. With his previous successes, 300 and Watchmen, Snyder was given mostly free reign to do whatever he wanted, resulting in an $82 million budget. It had bombshells and bombshells and (A shot of the movie's box office performance is superimposed, showing that it grossed only $36 million domestically and $53 million overseas) bombshells, as it didn't do very well financially or with critics. However, there's a fair amount of people that insist that Sucker Punch is misunderstood. Much like its quiet main character, there was more depth going on than met the eye. Even if there was quite a bit to meet the eye. According to Snyder and his fans, the film was a commentary on sexism and geek culture. I'll admit I'm always interested in art that's misunderstood or could have other meanings, so I was pretty curious to check this out. My thoughts?

(As we cut back to NC, he is revealed to be behind a huge briefcase which has several words labeled on it: "AWFUL", "BRILLIANT", "IDIOTIC", "CREATIVE", "DULL", "LAME", "INSPIRED", "CLEVER", "INSPIRED", "HYPOCRITICAL". He peeks out from behind the case and looks it over quizzically)

NC: There's a lot to unpack. Let's take a look at Sucker Punch.

(Another set of words pops up on the case to a ding: "BE AFRAID". NC becomes nervous. The film's opening credits are shown on theater curtains, which raise one by one)

Narrator: Everyone has an angel, a guardian who watches over us.

NC (vo; as narrator): In my case, it's 20th Century lawyers who said...

(A shot is shown in the corner of the opening curtains from Moulin Rouge, which reveal the 20th Century Fox logo behind it, to which this film's opening bears more than a passing resemblance)

NC (vo; as narrator): ..."We don't care if you steal from Moulin Rouge; it's not like you're gonna get nominated for Best Picture."

(Our main character is shown, Babydoll, played by Emily Browning)

Narrator: It's every one of us who holds the power over the worlds we create.

NC (vo): Jesus!

NC: Even when she's not in it, Warner Bros. makes every film about Harley Quinn!

NC (vo): This is Babydoll, played by Emily Browning, who discovers she's trapped in a music video for the Watchmen trailer.

(Babydoll and her sister both kneel in sadness as they watch the doctors uncover the covers to reveal their dead mother)

NC (vo; sighs): Yeah, it's a Snyder film, so of course, there's a lot of painful slo-mo and painful songs and people in...

NC: (melodramatically) ...PAAAAAAIN!

NC (vo): It's comically overdramatic, but that's a little bit of the fun of Snyder movies.

NC: I swear his version of a Hitchcock cameo is...

(The girls' mother's funeral is in progress during a pouring rain, with two shots of two other movie funerals in the rain also shown: Batman v Superman and Watchmen)

NC (vo): ...rainy funerals. If umbrellas and tombstones aren't in a scene together, he won't do the flick.

(Babydoll looks toward her sister, tearing up, while an emotional version of "Sweet Dreams" plays in the background)

Singer: Who am I to disagree?

NC (vo): It looks like Babydoll's mother dies, and her stepfather is pissed, as all the inheritance goes to her and her sister. While trying to stop a drunken rampage, Babydoll accidentally shoots her sister and she's sent to a mental institution.

(Said mental institution is revealed to be Lennox House, located in Brattleboro, Vermont)

Singer: Some of them want to be abused...

NC: (shrugs) Not gonna lie, I really dig this intro.

NC (vo): It's a cool way to give us backstory in a short amount of time only with visuals and a pretty cool cover of "Sweet Dreams". Yes, it's over-stylized, but shots like this so laughably extreme a button looks like a hubcap reminds me why I still remember Snyder's work, even if the film isn't always that great.

Babydoll: (narrating) We can deny our angels exist, but they show up anyway. They can speak through any character we can imagine.

NC (vo): Except as (The poster for Batman v Superman is superimposed) Batman and Superman. I know you think they speak to you, Snyder, but you really need (A shot of Paul Dini is superimposed next) a translator for that.

(As Babydoll is escorted into the institute, a sign bearing its name is shown)

NC (vo): Ah, yes, the Lennox House for the Mentally Insane and People Magazine's most gorgeous: Jenna Malone, Oscar Isaac, Vanessa Hudgens, Jon Hamm, fucking Silk Spectre [Carla Gugino]'s a doctor here, man! This is 12 Monkeys if every inmate was Brad Pitt!

(Two inmates were playing a card game, but one of them, apparently losing, becomes so upset that she knocks the cards off the table, which she then flips over in a rage. The two inmates start fighting and have to be separated)

NC (vo; as inmate 1): I say the Whedon cut's gonna suck more! (as inmate 2) I say the Snyder cut's gonna suck more!

Singer: With your feet on the air and your head on the ground...

NC: Okay, I suppose now's as good a time as any to talk about the soundtrack.

NC (vo): Snyder said he wanted the music in this to be as essential as it was in Moulin Rouge, perhaps explaining (The opening of that movie is shown in the corner, with the 20th Century Fox logo on a curtained stage) the similarities in the opening.

Singers: Where is my mind? Where is my mind?

NC: So, okay, here's the thing: just because you're using great songs, doesn't mean you're using them in a great way.

NC (vo): Don't get me wrong; this is a kickass soundtrack. I might even buy it (The Sucker Punch soundtrack is superimposed) after reviewing this.

NC: Also, keep in mind, they use them better than something like...

(Cut to a clip of Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked)

NC (vo): ...Chipmunks or Smurfs, where they just pick whatever popular tripe fluff they can get the copyright to.

(Cut back to Sucker Punch)

NC (vo): But to give you an example, Snyder had an issue that the narration was added to the opening and closing of the film, feeling like the studio was trying to tell you how to feel.

NC: (shrugs) The songs have a similar problem.

NC (vo): The lyrics match the situations and mood, but they don't tell us any further about the character. In fact, very little is learned about her. She just kinda stares off and says nothing, which is fine if something else would fill in the gaps, but we'll get to that in a bit.

NC: But okay, if this isn't an example of using songs cleverly, what is?

NC (vo): Well, let's go to another movie relying heavily on music...

(Cut to the title and footage of Baby Driver)

NC (vo): ...and the main character named "Baby", Baby Driver. The lyrics don't always explain what's going on, but the music is tied directly to its character, to a point where it makes its way into what he [Baby] sees everywhere.

(A few snatches of R&B songs, Harlem Shuffle in this instance, plays in the movie, which Baby dances to)

NC (vo): You get it; this is his escape, a place where he can be whatever he wants; still in reality, but an altered reality, where joy and rhythm allow him to take control.

Coffee shop clerk: (to Baby) Can I take your order?

Baby: (in time with the music) Yeah, yeah, yeah...

NC: It's bursting with so much personality, you can't possibly separate them. Want proof? Try 'em!

(Cut back to Sucker Punch)

NC (vo): Let's remove [sic] "Sweet Dreams" with any dramatic music I have.

(The scene is shown of Babydoll trying to shoot her stepfather, but accidentally shoots her sister instead, while generic dramatic music plays instead of "Sweet Dreams")

NC: (shrugs) It still works. "Sweet Dreams" is a little better, but it's not essential; you still get the same idea.

(Cut again to Baby Driver)

NC (vo): Now let's switch Baby Driver with a different upbeat song.

(A lively funky tune plays as Baby dances down the street and goes into the coffee shop)

Coffee shop clerk: (to Baby) Can I take your order?

Baby: (out of time with the music) Yeah, yeah, yeah...

NC (vo): The graffiti is now just graffiti. Him ordering a drink is now just ordering a drink. This is how you use songs like a musical without it being a musical.

(Cut back to Sucker Punch)

NC (vo): This feels more like a CW soundtrack; not mindless, but not that intertwined, either. A part of me kinda wonders why Snyder didn't just turn this into a musical. All the pieces are there. It's trying so hard to sing what it feels, why not be (A poster of the following is shown on the left...) Repo: The Genetic Opera with a (A poster of the following is shown on the right...) 300 budget?

NC: But like a lot of art, music is subjective.

NC (vo): Maybe you are transported when these songs pop up. Our main character is. You see, her father pays a crooked doctor, played by Isaac, to give her a lobotomy. This transitions us to a fantasy world Babydoll has imagined where she's a dancer at a brothel. (deadpan) Great, I have no idea what her personality's like in one reality; I'll gladly follow her boring ass into another one.

Blue Jones (Isaac): (to another inmate (Blondie (Hudgens)) Can you show this little Babydoll around? Give her the tour of the establishment, please?

NC (vo): As you'd imagine, all the inmates and doctors are characters in this fantasy, and if you think that'll give us more insight into her and the other characters, with the exception of the doctor who's a dance teacher helping them find their inner strength, there's practically no variations. The women rebel because they want to escape, and the men control them because they want to bang them.

NC: (confused) Well...those are motivations, but they're not really character traits.

NC (vo): They have no identity lines, something one character would say that another character wouldn't. Take something simple, like...I don't know...

(Cut to a clip of...)

NC (vo): ...Aladdin.

Genie: (getting Aladdin dressed up as Prince Ali) That fez-and-vest combo is much too third century. (sees a patch on Aladdin's pants) These patches, what are we trying to say? Beggar? No. (tears patch off)

NC (vo): That line would only come from the Genie.

(Now cut to another clip of Aladdin, this one showing Aladdin preparing to take on Jafar. Aladdin sees the Genie, who asks what he will do because he can't help him, as Jafar is his master now)

Aladdin: I'm a street rat, remember? (zips Genie's mouth shut – literally) I'll improvise.

NC (vo): That line would come from Aladdin. Even if you erase their names from the script, you would know who said it.

(Cut back again to Sucker Punch)

Rocket (Malone): (to Babydoll) We all have our stories in here. Mine's...complicated.

NC (vo): Yeah, any of them could have said that.

(Cut to another scene)

Blondie (Hudgens): (to Babydoll) Do you remember when you first got here? Nobody felt sorry for you.

NC (vo): Any of them could have said that.

Sweet Pea (Abbie Cornish): (to Babydoll) I don't want to hear your plan, okay? None of us do.

NC (vo): Any–

NC: (sharply) THERE'S NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEM!

NC (vo): They're all just spunky and angry! ...Spangry!

Amber (Jamie Chung): I can't.

Rocket: Yes, you can.

Amber: Come on, be reasonable.

NC (vo): Oh, wait, this one's actually timid and afraid.

(A later scene is shown of Blue Jones gunning down Amber at point-blank range, killing her)

NC (vo): Well, so much for her! Back to the spangry ladies!

Madame Vera Gorski (Gugino): (to Babydoll) You don't think your strong enough? You are. You're afraid. Don't be.

NC (vo; as Gorski): Will you be our Bland Swan?

Gorski: You have all the weapons you need.

NC: Okay, okay, as much as I'm hating on this film, this is the part where it introduces a pretty cool idea.

NC (vo): The teacher says use the movement of her body as her weapon. So she has...another fantasy. In her head, her dancing is being interpreted as fighting off monsters.

NC: That's...actually rather intriguing.

NC (vo): We've seen this done for laughs, like in (A shot of the following is superimposed...) Rick and Morty, where they keep going into the dream of a dream of a dream. And we've also seen it done dramatically in (A shot of the following is superimposed...) I'm Thinking of Ending Things, where a character having a midlife crisis is actually a figment of the spouse's mind, wishing that person existed. It's similar to when folklores create folklores, like in (A shot of the following is supposed...) Revenge of the Sith. It's an extra layer of development that makes what you're watching feel more believable.

NC: (shrugs) Okay, I'm fascinated. What are you gonna do with it?

NC (vo): Well, she comes across another mentor type, played by Scott Glenn, who tells her about the evils she has to defeat.

Mentor: You're tracking snow everywhere.

Babydoll: Should I take them off?

Mentor: That time has passed. What are you looking for?

Babydoll: A way out, I guess.

Mentor: You guess?

NC (vo; as mentor): And I guess Terence Stamp is the definitive stick. (The mentor holds up a katana) OWN SOMETHING, WILL YA?!

Mentor: You will need five items for this journey.

NC (vo): So he gives her some weapons, tells her other weapons she'll need to escape, and she fights off monsters.

(Babydoll battles the monsters, then pockets a gun as she leaves the mentor's temple, which starts to collapse behind her as she leaves)

NC (vo; as mentor): Uh, hi. As your mentor, you know I'm still in here, right? (The temple collapses completely) Oh, God, they needed this for Kung Fu Panda 4! (normal) So the fight is supposed to symbolize the dance, which we never see but clearly astonishes everyone.

NC: (looks around shiftily) Cool. I still don't know shit about her.

(Suddenly, we cut to Zack Snyder (played by Walter))

Snyder: (slams table and points to camera) Now, you just hold on there, mister!

NC: (waves hand, deadpan) Hey, Zack. Honestly, I'm shocked it took you so long to appear in this.

Snyder: Well, that's because you're not watching the Snyder Cut of this review!

(Snyder snaps his fingers, and the video turns grainy, including NC, who looks around in confusion)

Snyder: Whew! Felt naked there for a minute, which is also a trademark of my films.

NC: All right, you're here, so clearly, you want to explain what you had in mind.

Snyder: Well, that's exactly it: it is in her mind!

NC: (confused) What do you mean?

Snyder: Well, I'm a big "show, don't tell" kind of guy...

NC: Yes, you've made that quite clear. (images appear beside NC of Pythia from 300 and Doctor Manhattan from Watchmen, with Snyder (Walter)'s face censoring their genitalia)

Snyder: So everything around her is character development.

Snyder (vo): That monster? She created that. Those outfits? She created that. And I'm not sure if you caught on, but the actors playing the characters in the fantasies are also representing the characters in real life!

NC: (holding up hand) Yeah, we all got that, but what are we learning about her?

Snyder: Well, the fights represent her dancing, and escaping the brothel represents her escaping the institution.

NC: Yeah, that stuff she's doing, but what is she feeling?

Synder: (stares) What is this (makes "finger quotes") "feeling" thing you speak of?

NC: (sighs) Okay, I'm sorry to bring up so many examples, but in something like...

(Cut to footage of...)

NC (vo): ...Where the Wild Things Are, it's kept vague what exactly means what, but we know what the main character is like: he's sensitive but wild, acts tough but uses that as a means to hide his inner troubles. One character could represent his father, his mother and his insecurities all in one, because we're given clues to his background, without limiting it to one thing only connects to one other thing. It's actually a deeper dive, seeing how his imagination copes with problems than just telling us what his problems are.

(Cut back to Sucker Punch)

NC (vo): We obviously know who these people represent, but it doesn't teach us anything about her. If anything, it might be more interesting if this actually took place in a brothel and the mental institution was the fantasy.

NC: (holds up two fingers and turns them back and forth) That simple switch might have added a lot more depth, but as is, I don't see what I'm supposed to discover.

Snyder: Well, keep in mind, (holds up index finger) this is only one of the fantasies, baby.

NC: Oh! Do the others go more in-depth?

Snyder: (holding up eight fingers) Ten times more in-depth!

NC: Okay, I guess I'll wait it out.

Snyder: Hey, want to see something funny? Grab a random object!

NC: Uh...I got an apple here.

Snyder: Perfect! Show it on screen!

NC: I don't get what that's got–

(He holds up the apple, but it's censored by Snyder's face. He lets out a yelp)

Snyder: See? Everything in a Snyder film always looks like a circumcised penis!

NC: (deadpan) Wonderful, thanks.

Snyder: Aw, but everyone always says the Snyder cut's...

NC and Snyder: (in unison) ...the perfect length.

NC: I think this bit's gone on long enough.

Snyder: (resignedly) Now, that I don't hear often...

NC (vo): As mentioned, Babydoll talks about escaping the brothel, and the other dancers say they want in. She writes down the items her mentor gave her in her fantasy, and they decide, while Babydoll distracts whoever has the item with a dance, the other woman would steal it. Once again, the dance is replaced with another action-packed fantasy.

(Said fantasy is set during what looks like World War I, as German planes fly over a bombed-out Notre Dame, while "White Rabbit" plays in the background)

NC: Really skimping on that Notre Dame renovation, huh?

NC (vo): Once again, the mentor gives her a mission, some dick-bolism makes an appearance, and she just fights.

(As "White Rabbit" continues, Babydoll fires a gun at some planes as they swoop down to attack her. She then fends off some attacking German soldiers)

NC (vo): Okay, look, I actually dig the idea of never showing her dance and, in a strange way, her moves are being used as a weapon...

NC: ...but that should be a (holds up two fingers) two-minute sequence at the most.

NC (vo): The first fight was over (The words "8 MINUTES" pop up) eight minutes with no character insight, and this one is over (The words "12 MINUTES" pop up) twelve minutes with no character insight. Yeah, it's literally nothing! It's only people fighting!

(Babydoll clubs two German soldiers with the butt of her gun and mows down a third in a barrage of bullets)

NC: It's like if half of Pan's Labyrinth was just...

(A clip of Pan's Labyrinth is shown, displaying the giant frog there)

NC (vo): ...her looking at that frog! Whoo, she may have imagined that, but...who fucking cares?! DO SOMETHING WITH IT!

(Cut back to Sucker Punch as the battle continues)

NC (vo): What's even at stake in this twelve minutes? If something goes wrong, she slips while dancing? Who gives a shit?! I'm just watching people I know nothing about fight obstacles that add up to nothing! Somehow, you made beautiful women kicking ass boring! How did you do that?!

Snyder: Now, now, now, Critic, you're missing that the symbolism is also symbolic.

NC: You know saying something symbolic doesn't automatically make it brilliant, right?

Snyder: But I'm exposing the sexist male gaze you often see among nerdy fanboys!

NC: Yeah, you brought that up before, and I have to be honest, I'm not seeing it.

Snyder: Well, it's like I said in interviews...

(A shot of an interview Snyder had about his movie)

Snyder: (reading) "It's a commentary on sexism and geek culture. Someone would ask me, 'Why did you film the girls this way?' And I'd say, 'Well you did!' Sucker Punch is a fuck you to a lot of people who will watch it."

NC: Well, I can't disagree on that part.

Snyder: On the other hand, though, it is fetishistic and personal.

NC: (confused) Wait, was that also part of an interview?

Snyder: Oh, yes. I said this openly.

(Cut to an article in The Province showing a review of the movie, zooming in on an interview that Snyder gave)

Snyder: (reading) "I like to think that my fetishes aren't that obscure. Who doesn't want to see girls running down the trenches of World War One wreaking havoc?"

NC: (even more confused) You...don't see the contrast in those two sentences?

Snyder: Of course I do! (pounds fist on table) That's what makes me so deep!

NC: (sighs and shakes head in frustration) As much as this movie has been called sexist and demeaning, the ironic thing is, I kinda believe him.

NC (vo): Everyone says the deep message is a bullshit excuse to see women run around in skimpy outfits kicking ass under the guise of empowerment, the argument being if you wanted to show women as three-dimensional people and not sex objects, he would've shown them as three-dimensional people and not just sex objects.

(Footage of earlier Snyder films are shown: 300, Watchmen, Batman v Superman, etc.)

NC (vo): But here's the thing: he seems pretty equal-opportunist when it comes to sexualizing men and women with bland personalities. Truth be told, the most interesting or complex characters in his films oftentimes are women.

(Cut back to Sucker Punch)

NC (vo): So I guess I believe him when he said he wanted to do this commentary, but like a lot of his other commentaries, he just sucks at it. And it's a shame, because like (A shot of George Lucas is shown off to the side) Lucas, I can tell he's a man of ideas; he's just not always that great at communicating them. That might be why similar ideas and visuals worked in (A shot of the following is superimposed...) Wonder Woman, a film he produced, but let someone else direct. Just because a character is sexy doesn't mean he or she can't be a great character, but this might be one of those films where the commentary was prioritized over personality, which...

(A montage of posters of "commentary" movies is shown: Black Christmas, Antebellum, The Life Zone)

NC (vo): ...hasn't been panning out too well nowadays.

Snyder: Well, that's because they never released my original cut!

NC: Oh, my God, this has a Snyder Cut, too?!

Snyder: Yes! They added that opening and closing narration!

NC: (confused) Is that it? Just the narration?

Snyder: Maybe. Either way, the film's misunderstood!

NC: Well, is it misunderstood as is, or misunderstood because the proper version didn't come out?

Snyder: I'd like to think both.

NC: ...It can't be both!

Snyder: Can't it?

NC: No!

Snyder: Can't it?

NC: No!

(Cut to Tamara)

Tamara: Can't it?

NC: No!

(Cut to Malcolm)

Malcolm: Can't it?

NC: No! Wait, was that Malcolm and Tamara?

Tamara: Yeah, you forgot to put us in this one.

NC: Oh, shit, I'm sorry.

Malcolm: It's cool. We got Christmas episodes coming up.

NC: Okay, cool. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Duck season!

Snyder: Rabbit season!

NC: Duck! FIRE!!

(Suddenly, a cartoonish gunshot is seen/heard. As the smoke from the gunshot clears away, an annoyed NC, whose face is blackened from the blast, holds Daffy Duck's beak in his hand. With that, we go to a commercial as "Merrily We Roll Along" (the Merrie Melodies theme) plays in the background. Upon return from the commercial, the movie resumes)

NC (vo): So once again, Babydoll's dance blows everyone away, and the owner forms big plans for her.

Blue Jones: (to Madame Gorski) So, with or without your blessing, she's gonna be on that stage tomorrow, right?

Gorski: I'll see what I can do.

Blue Jones: Atta girl! (slaps her shoulder and walks off) All right!

NC: (confused) So, is Babydoll imagining them talking as well?

NC (vo): Is she just in the institution, thinking, (as Babydoll) "And them I'm not seen for three minutes or so, meaning nothing's being learned about me, so pretty similar to when I am on screen"?

(The gangster-looking mayor comes into the institute to see the girls dance)

NC (vo): They invite Mayor Penguin Capote to watch her dance, while one of the women steals his lighter. This should only take a minute's time, but with horny Inception, it's about nine minutes.

(What happens in that nine minutes? Another fantasy, this one involving the girls running through a castle firing machine guns at Orcs in their path, while "Search and Destroy" plays in the background)

NC (vo): And again, it's just fighting and no development. (A shot of the following is superimposed...) Sharkboy and Lavagirl had more a connection to the human psyche!

(Deep inside the castle, the girls come across a pile of treasure, guarded by a dragon that breathes fire toward them)

NC (vo): Oh, wait, they're stealing a lighter and this scene has fire in it! Of course! "Dragon", "drag on"! These scenes "drag on"! I can do this bullshit, too, Snyder!

(Babydoll and the dragon do battle, and Babydoll kills the dragon by stabbing her sword through its head. We then cut back to the brothel as Babydoll stands on the stage before the mayor, who raises his arms to applaud)

NC: (as the mayor) I'm sorry, was she supposed to be dancing? She just ran around the room, saying, "Oh, dragon!" (makes gunfire motions) Pew, pew, pew!

NC (vo): They manage to get the lighter, but the owner puts together they might be up to something, as items around the place keep disappearing.

Sweet Pea: (to Rocket) We had a deal. If I say it's over, it's over!

NC: (shakes head) Oh, if only this movie worked that way...

NC (vo): They still decide to continue with the plan as they try to get a knife from the cook.

(The cook (played by Malcolm Scott), however, catches one of the girls, Rocket, in the act)

Cook: What the hell are you doing?!

(The girls strip off their clothes in response. Rocket reaches her arms out and puts them on the cook's shoulders. She gently pushes the cook into a chair and sits on his lap, much to his confusion, as she runs her hands over his shoulders)

NC (vo; as cook): Well, I'm done interrogating. Allow me not to question the next ten minutes. (normal) Yeah, you heard right, it's another dance-fight sequence with nothing being learned for ten minutes. Is this like (A shot of the following is shown in the corner...) The Room, where the mother and daughter have the same conversation five times?

(Rocket pushes on a button to open a door, which it does, revealing a bomb inside)

NC (vo; as Rocket): Come on! Maybe the reason we're supposed to care about anything is in here!

(Robots come in and attack the girls, who fight them off)

NC: Even the fantasies are all looking the same. If one world was...

(Shots of Game of Thrones, Adventure Time and Batman are shown, in order)

NC (vo): ...like Game of Thrones, another like Adventure Time, another like Batman, at least there'd be some variety.

(Cut back to Sucker Punch)

NC (vo): But nope, it's just random shit that pops out of nowhere.

(Cut to Babydoll in her bedroom)

NC (vo): Oh, wait, now I get it! She conjured all this up from (A green arrow points to a bird figurine on her shelf) that bird (Another green arrow appears, pointing to an angel figure on another shelf) or this Hallmark angel! (A third green arrow points to something-or-other on her nightstand) Is that a toilet brush?

(Cut back to the girls' fight with the robots)

NC (vo): GIVE ME SOMETHING TO GO OFF OF, GODDAMMIT!! But here's a twist. Are you ready for this? I was shocked when it occurred. We're shown something happening in one reality actually taking place in another! (gasps) One woman sacrifices herself in the fantasy to save another, and that's what happens in the other scenario.

NC: Don't you love when an Easter egg in a movie is just coherency?

Rocket: (to Babydoll, dying) And when you get out, tell Mom I love her...

NC (vo; as Rocket): Tell Tiny Tim I won't be coming home for Christmas.

(Blue comes in and has one of his staff pull Sweet Pea off of Rocket)

Blue: Get her up! GET HER UP, CJ!!

NC (vo): The owner finally figures out they've been stealing stuff they plan an escape. Well, what possible evidence do you have against them? (Blue pulls down a chalkboard, revealing a list of the missing items, most of them scratched out) Seriously?! You never erased that?! Did you really need a cheat sheet to remember four things?! Give this film credit; it does come across like something a person being lobotomized would write!

(As punishment for trying to escape, Blue takes a gun and SHOOTS AMBER AND BLONDIE DEAD!!)

NC (vo; as Blue): That'll teach you two for trying to have more eyeliner than me!

Blue: (to the others) I hope everybody's learned a valuable lesson here!

NC (vo; as Blue): If you want to be sad when a character dies, give them actual character!

(Blue then violently tries to throw himself onto Babydoll, pinning her against a dressing mirror with light bulbs (one of which shatters from the force), and tries to rape her. But the force of his violence also throws open a drawer, in which a knife is contained. Babydoll grabs the knife and stabs Blue on the shoulder with it. Blue reacts, stunned, and Babydoll grabs a key from him and goes off to free Sweet Pea from a closet where she has been imprisoned)

NC (vo): Babydoll stabs the owner and tries to rescue the other surviving woman. There's guards at the gates, so Babydoll decides to sacrifice herself so the other can escape.

Babydoll: (to Sweet Pea) You have to live for all of us now. You're the only one of us that ever stood a chance out there.

NC: (as Babydoll) The way you were a...little more pissed off than us, you're clearly ready for the world!

Babydoll: (giving Sweet Pea the master key) When they come after me, you go, okay?

Sweet Pea: (whispering) There's got to be another way.

NC (vo): Well, to quote (A shot of Kevin Costner as Jonathan Kent in Man of Steel is superimposed) Kevin Costner from Man of Steel, "There's a bajillion other ways," but Snyder wanted to do this.

Babydoll: This was never my story.

NC: Then why did we watch your Z-grade RPG fanfiction for what felt like an eternity?!

(Babydoll goes to reveal herself to the visitors)

NC (vo): Speaking of which, how long is this porn-eographed fight gonna go? Twelve minutes? Fifteen minutes? A half hour?

(None of the above, apparently, for right at the moment the mayor punches Babydoll in the face, we cut back to the asylum, where the surgeon finishes Babydoll's lobotomy)

NC: (shrugs in confusion) I guess Snyder was looking at his watch, too.

NC (vo): The lobotomy is completed, and I suppose a big twist is revealed that everything that happened at the brothel happened in the institution: she befriended the inmates, stole stuff, three of them were killed, she stabbed Poe, and she sacrificed herself so one could get away.

NC: (stares in confusion) Cool. (shrugs) Still don't know shit about her. (shakes head)

NC (vo): This is like retelling (The poster for the following is shown off to the side...) The Happening, but all the characters are (Images of beans are added over the characters' heads) beans. It's still just as bad, even if you didn't change that one element.

(The wounded Blue tries to sexually assault the lobotomized Babydoll, but he is immediately apprehended by the police, having been told by Gorski that Blue had been forging Babydoll's signature)

NC (vo): Isaac being stabbed caused him to go crazy, too, though, and he tries to get revenge on her before being taken away. The last thing we see is the woman who did escape getting questioned by cops, but the bus driver, who is also the mentor, vouches for her.

Bus driver (Scott Glenn): (to the cops) I just let her [Sweet Pea] off to use the restroom. She's been a joy to the entire journey.

(The two cops walk off)

NC (vo; as cop 1): Well, nothing suspicious about that. (as cop 2) Let's talk more about how we want to lose our jobs.

(Sweet Pea boards the bus and it drives off into the sunset)

Sweet Pea: (narrating) Who decides why we live and what we'll die to defend?

(The screen goes black as the movie ends)

Sweet Pea: (narrating) It's you. You have all the weapons you need. Now, fight!

(NC sits, frowning. Then Snyder (as played by Walter) speaks up)

Snyder: See? It's the ending narration that screws everything up!

NC: Just, uh... Just that, huh?

Snyder: I'm 20 to 90 percent sure, yes.

NC: Well... (sighs) I certainly saw other things I didn't like, but what do you think?

Snyder: I think you didn't see them.

NC: (points to camera) I was talking to the viewers, you dumbass!

Snyder: But you were looking at me when you said it!

NC: (nods) Yeah, i-i-it is a confusing setup.

(Footage of the movie is shown one last time as NC gives his closing thoughts)

NC (vo): Am I just missing something that speaks to a certain amount of people? I honestly wouldn't mind other criticisms that other folks have had if it just wasn't so boring. I just want a little character, a little personality from these leads. Instead, I feel like I can't even say I was given ideas; it's more like ideas for ideas – that are then replaced with action sequences. A lot of critics say this was a big-budget video game, but I don't know. A lot of games I've played had more character, story and coherency than this. It's kind of like watching (The poster for the following is superimposed...) Life of Pi, which at one point gives you information that makes you look at the story entirely different. Even without that information, though, it's still an interesting and engaging story. This film's dull with or without the extra information. But clearly, there are people that got something inspiring out of it. So what do you think? Is there more to this than I'm giving credit for? Or is this a decent idea trying too hard to be told in a unique way? Let me know in the comments if you think Zack Snyder has done it again, or if Zack Snyder (listlessly) has done it again.

Snyder: Well, I'm sorry I couldn't win you over, Critic, but look at this way: I'm right.

NC: Doesn't sound very nuanced.

Snyder: But it does make me sound like I'm right.

NC: You know, if there's people to understand your entertainment, more power to 'em. I just don't think I'm your crowd, man.

Snyder: Fair enough. But hey, if you're gonna wrap up this review, can you wrap this up as the Snyder Cut?

NC: Oh, all right. (He snaps his fingers, and again, the video turns grainy) I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (gets up and leaves)

Snyder: (calling out with his hands cupped over his mouth) Don't forget to bite that apple!

NC: (offscreen) Oh, yes, thanks for the reminder– (He suddenly screams in disgust)

Snyder: (laughs) Ain't I a Snyder?

(He raises his eyebrows up and down as "Merrily We Roll Along" (the Merrie Melodies theme) plays again before cutting to black, ending the video)

Channel Awesome tagline:Babydoll: This was never my story.

(The credits roll)

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