Suburban Knights: Part 4

Suburban knights ep 4 by marobot-d3ki3sv.jpg

Date Aired:
June 30th, 2011
Running Time

The Nostalgia Critic and his group continue their way through the forest trail. As Critic is viewing the map, Linkara begins to make conversation.

Linkara: You know, Critic, I couldn't help but feel that you're... not getting into character.

NC: Well, sure I am. I'm all magical and shit.

Linkara: Well it's just that... The map says that we must be in character in order to find the treasure. It... helps us find our way...

NC: Alright, Sir Dicks-alot, tell me what this means then: "You will ask which warrior which way to go. Which way do you think which warrior will show?" Now what the hell does that mean?

The party is startled be a clap of thunder. They look forward to see a little lady with thick, black glasses, a pointed rubber nose, a large witch hat, and a black track suit.

Witch: *with a friendly wave* Hello!

NC: Boy, this guy couldn't spell worth jack shit. *to witch* Hey, you need a "T" in here in order for this pun to work!

Witch: Well, next time I see the ol' Jaffer, I'll give him the info.

NC: So, you know Jaffers too, huh? Lemme guess: You're supposed to be Witch Warrior.

Witch: That's the whole kit n' kabootle!

Linkara: Then tell us, Witch Warrior: Which way... to Malachite's Hand?

Witch: Hmm, take one hundred steps, turn left in the forest, keep goin' straight.

Linkara: Huh, that was easy.

Witch: But unfortunately, you have to pass by me in order to continue. It's my job as Good Witch of the Woods.

The party begins to snicker.

NC: Really? You're the Good Witch of the Woods, huh?

Witch: Yeah.

Benzaie: Oh, we're supposed to be scared of the Good Witch of the Woods?

Witch: If you could, yes.

NC: Alright, Kiki. Mrs. Good Witch of the Woods.

Critic, Linkara, Phelous, and Bennett approach the witch to mock her mercilessly.

NC: *in baby talk* Oh, who's a good witch? Oh, you are a good witch!

Critic, Linkara, Phelous, and Bennett all begin to spout baby talk at the witch as the rest of the party chuckles.

Witch: Ah, ha, ha, alright, very funny...

NC: Oh, who's a good witch? Oh, you are a good witch!

Bennett: You're such a good witch! Aww, such a good witch!

The witch begins to voice her annoyance, but Critic, Linkara, Phelous, and Bennett continue to mock her as the rest of the group laughs on. The four begin to play Ring-Around-the-Rosie around the increasing annoyed witch, and before they can finish their rhyme, the witch grabs Critic's wrist to a dramatic chord. Critic looks down at the witch, who looks up at him with glowing red eyes and begins to speak in a demonic voice.


Critic screams hysterically as the witch makes her threat. Linkara, Phelous, and Bennett flee midway through her speech. Critic is finally able to escape the witch's grasp and cowers behind Nostalgia Chick. The witch immerses herself in light, her screams echoing throughout the woods. She then swiftly returns to her kind demeanor.

Witch: Neat, huh?

NC: Stupid chain letter, I knew I shouldn't have followed it. Why didn't any of you try to stop me?!

Witch: Chain letter?

A brief silence occurs as the witch has discovered something amiss.

Witch: But Jaffers didn't- Oh... Oh dear... Perhaps it's better if you die now rather than wait for what's coming. I know what hunts you, and believe me, it's much kinder if I just, mmm... smash your brains in and and drink from your bleeding skulls.

The witch then screams maniacally and summons lightning from the sky, causing the party to scatter all around. Among the hysteria, Phelous drops his dolls. Before he can retrieve them, lighting strikes them, destroying them.

Phelous: *sobbing* My friends!

The witch continues her spell, cackling demonically. Handsome Tom then takes a stand and approaches her.

NC: Tom? Where the hell are you goin'?

Tom walks up to the witch, still summoning lightning around her. The rest of the party look on in suspense. Tom steps in front of the witch and sprays her face with mace. The witch stumbles back, her spell ceased. She then starts cursing in a demonic voice.


The witch then disappears into a ball of light. The party is left speechless after what had just occurred.

Benzaie: How did she do this?

Linkara: It's magic. You don't have to explain it.

NC: Don't be stupid, there's no such thing as magic.

Linkara: *annoyed* Really? Then how did she do it?!

The party stares at the empty trail the the witch once was. Critic is unable to answer an impatient Linkara.

NC: Keep movin'.

The party continues onward.

Cut to the map Spoony had lost, still where it was since Episode 3. A valley girl talking on her phone walks up to it.

Girl: *talking on phone* And my dad shot her. It was weird. *she notices the map* Hold on a sec.

The girl bends over to reach for the map. Before she can pick it up, and cane pins the map down. She looks up to see the mysterious person looking down at her.

Mysterious Person: Where did you find that?

Girl: Just here. Is it yours?

The stranger picks up the map and looks around aimlessly.

Girl: Excuse me. I said, "Is it yours?"

The stranger continues to ignore her.

Girl: Well, if it's not yours, I'm takin' it? Finders keepers.

The girl tries to take the map from the stranger, but the stranger holds on to it to a dramatic chord.

Girl: *tugging for the map* Hey, come on. *she goes back to her phone* No, no, Frank, it's just a... Rocky Horror reject.

MP: Is that your phone?

Girl: Yeah.

MP: Don't use that.

Girl: Why not?

MP: Just don't.

Girl: *toyingly* Why?

MP: What do you think of the 21st century?

Girl: I don't know. I can't see that far into the future.

MP: Does your cocoon of technological webbing keep you safe? Does it protect you from the real evils of this world? Do you feel better knowing what every last man, woman, and child is doing this very moment, all across this fearsome existence? Every message, every podcast, Facebook, "Charlie Fucking Bit Me!" Does it enrich your life? Does it give you... purpose?

The girl has no idea what to think of the man's question, then gives a flirtatious smile.

Girl: Hey, you're kinda hot. What'cha doin' tonight?

A bolt of red lightning crashes on top of the girl, causing her to explode. The stranger, map in hand, walks away from the pool of fire where the girl once was.

Cut to Spoony's party, walking through a trail. Spoony holds his hand up to halt the group from continuing into a forked road.

Spoony: The path is split! No more shall we wander naked in the dark. 'Tis time to see where the next arrow lies.

The group looks confused until Todd in the Shadows translates.

Todd: He's checking the map.

Spoony: Yes.

Group: Oh, okay...

Spoony looks into his bag, but becomes troubled when the map is not there.

Spoony: Um, oopsie-doodle.

Todd: What? What is it?

Spoony: Well, um... uh...

Todd: Did you lose the map?

Spoony: I'm not saying that, uh...

Todd: *raising his voice* Well, what are you saying?

Spoony: ...Well, I'm saying it now.

The party groans.

Snob: This is intolerable.

Paw: A pox on your houses!!!

MarzGurl: *speaks in Japanese* (in subtitles: Yeah, what he said.)

Spoony: No wait, wait. I think I remember what it said on the map.

Todd: You couldn't remember the goddamn alphabet!

Spoony: No, really! I believe it said, "If the path should split from left to right, pick up a stone and say 'Give me light.'"

Joe: "Pick up a stone and 'Give me light?'"

Spoony: Well, I think so.

Snob: Oh, right. *picks up a stone* Like I'm just supposed to pick up a stone, stand here, and say "Give me light?"

A cut to Spoony's Gatecleaner character suddenly appears, with an accompanying loud gong.

Gatecleaner: DOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Cinema Snob is startled and drops the stone.

Snob: Shit!

Cinema Snob's jumpiness grabs the others' attention.

JewWario: What was that?

Snob: Nobody saw that?

JewWario: No.

Snob: *picks up another stone* You actually pick up a stone, stand here, and say, "Give me light."

The Gatecleaner pops up again.

Gatecleaner: OOOOOOOOHHH!!!!!

Cinema Snob is startled again and drops the rock.

Snob: Fuck!

Everyone is taken aback by Snob's reaction.

Luke: Okay. *picks up a rock* I'll try it.

Film Brain: Like hell you will. *tries to take Luke's stone* Give me that!

Luke: *still holding on to his rock* Like hell you will, Spotted Dick.

Film Brain: Back off, Dudley Do-Right!

Luke and Film Brain: *both holding the rock* Give me light!

The Gatecleaner pops up again.

Gatecleaner: DOOOOOOOO!!!!! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...

The Gatecleaner's appearance startles the two, but they manage to hold on to the rock.

Gatecleaner: So, puny mortals, you are looking for the correct path to lead you to Malachite's Hand?

Luke and Film Brain: Yes...

Gatecleaner: Then follow these words closely, for I shall not repeat them. Go to-

Film Brain suddenly drops the rock.

Film Brain: Bollocks! *retrieves rock*

Luke: Film Brain!

Film Brain: Sorry.

The two hold onto the rock again.

Luke and Film Brain: Give me light!

The Gatecleaner appears yet again.

Gatecleaner: DAAAAAAAHH!!!!! Don't let that happen again! These rocks already get bad reception!

Luke and Film Brain: Sorry.

Gatecleaner: Good. Now go to the r-

Luke suddenly drops the rock.

Luke: Oh, hold on. I better right this down. *searches himself for a pen and paper*

Film Brain: Just remember it!

Luke: Ugh, fine! *retrieves rock*

Film Brain: Like working a second grader.

The two hold onto the rock.

Luke and Film Brain: Give me light!

The Gatecleaner appears once more.

Gatecleaner: DAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!

Luke and Film Brain: *unamused* Seen it.

Gatecleaner: Now stop dropping the damn rock already! I'm a busy man and I haven't got all day! Got it?!

Luke and Film Brain: Yes, sir.

Gatecleaner: Alright! But this is the last time, I swear to God! If you miss it, you miss it. Now, go-

A phone rings.

Luke: Oh, hang on a second.

Luke drops the rock to answer his phone. The party looks on, growing more frustrated.

Luke: *on phone* Hello? ...Oh, hi Mom. ...Yeah, I'm on a quest for buried treasure. Isn't that cool? ...No, this one's for real this time. *more quietly* No, I won't bring home another dead animal.

The party looks fed up.

Luke: *on phone* Okay, love you, too. Bye. *hangs up and puts away phone* We may continue. *retrieves rock*

Film Brain: *sarcastically* Oh, may we?

The two hold onto the rock.

Luke and Film Brain: Give me light!

The Gatecleaner pops up once more.

Gatecleaner: DAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!

Luke: Ugh, do you have to do that every time?

Gatecleaner: I'm contractually obligated to, yes. Now stop dropping the damn rock!!!

Film Brain: Hang on, I've got an idea!

Film Brain places the rock on the palm of his and Luke's hands.

Film Brain: *tosses rock* Whoo! *catches rock*

Gatecleaner: DOOOOOOO!!!!!

Film Brain: *tosses rock* Whoo! *catches rock*

Gatecleaner: DAAAAAHH!!!!!

Film Brain: *tosses rock* Whoo! *catches rock*

Gatecleaner: AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!

Film Brain: *tosses rock* Whoo! *catches rock*

Gatecleaner: OOOOOOOOOHHH!!!!!

Film Brain: *tosses rock* Ha, ha! *catches rock*

Gatecleaner: DRAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!

Film Brain: *tosses rock* This is fun! *catches rock*

Gatecleaner: WOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!! STOP IT! STOP IT! *finally catching Luke and Film Brain's attention* YOU INSOLENT MAGGOTS!!! I've seen three-headed hellspawn more cooperative than you! Now, do you want to know the stinking location or not?

Luke and Film Brain: Yes...

Gatecleaner: Alright then! Go to the fork in the road, take a right, and continue forth, got it?!

Luke and Film Brain: Yes.

Gatecleaner: Good! Never call me again, you little bastards! Now if you'll excuse me, I have rock waiting. *flips to next line* HAAAAAAAHH!!!!!

Cut to a woman with red hair and a bright colored dress in a modern home, with a cigarette in one hand and rock pressed against her ear in the other.

Gatecleaner's Wife: Honey, did you ever pick up the croutons?

Gatecleaner: I told you to check the pantry. I'm not buying more croutons when we already have an open box!

Cut back to the party, where Luke steps forward, shoving Film Brain aside.

Luke: Well, I figured it out. We take the path to the right.

The party looks intimidated. Luke is unsure of what's going on, then notices they aren't looking at him. He and Film Brain turn around to see the mysterious person from moments ago, staring dramatically at them.

Snob: Who is that?

Todd: Looks like a member of Run-DMC.

The stranger approaches the party. JewWario steps up to speak with him, stepping cautiously while the others look on.

JewWario: Um, excuse me? Can we help you, strange... Gestapo looking person?

The stranger dramatically reaches into his pocket, quickly pulling out the map and presenting it to JewWario. JewWario recoils in fear, then realizes what the man is holding.

MP: You dropped this.

JewWario, still on his guard, takes the map and goes over it.

JewWario: Oh. Oh! Well- Well, thank you very much! *turns back to the group* What a nice person. We should give him something. Uh-

JewWario turns around to find that the man has already disappeared. The rest of the group looks just as confused as JewWario as to where the man could have gone to so quickly. They turn around. They are then startled by the sudden appearance of the Cloaks in front of the trail. Cloak 1 waves daintily at the party.

MarzGurl: *in Japanese* (subtitles: Chicken humpers!)

Spoony: Run like children!

The party runs away from the Cloaks like children.

Cloak 1: Unleash the fire of a thousand arrows.

Cloak 2: You mean the machine gun?

Cloak 1: ...Yes.

Cloak 2 hands Cloak 1 her broadsword and pulls out a machine gun. She then opens fire at the party, who are still fleeing in terror. Angry Joe suddenly turns around, with a look of joy on his face.

Joe: Wait, I didn't know we could use machine guns!

As Cloak 2 continues to fire away, Joe whips out his signature MP5 and points it at the Cloaks.


Joe unleashes a hail of bullets onto the cloaks, who begin to withdraw. Cloak 1 and Cloak 3 do their best to deflect the bullets as Cloak 2 continues to fire, while Joe buys time for the party to escape.


Joe continues his fire at the retreating Cloaks.

Cloak 1: Cloak 2, don't be a hero!

As the Cloaks finally retreat, MarzGurl returns to fetch Joe.

MarzGurl: *in Japanese* (subtitles: Let's go, Ted Nugent!)

MarzGurl takes Joe with him, but not before Joe can fire a few more shots at the Cloaks. The two rejoin the party, exhausted from running. Joe, however, is on an adrenaline high.

Joe: Oh, man, that was awesome! I'm liking this character more and more!

Luke: Wait a minute! *looks around* Where's Film Brain?

The party realizes they are minus one companion.

Cut to a lost Film Brain, who has been hiding in among the trees in the chaos.

Film Brain: Hello? *steps out from hiding* Hello? Did we win?

A hand turns Film Brain around. Film Brain is terrified to see it is Cloak 1.

Film Brain: *waving his wand* Exxon Petrolium!

Nothing happens. Cloak 1 slaps Film Brain's wand from his hand, then slaps his face. Film Brain screams in pain. Cloak 1 then gets a firm grip on Film Brain's shoulders and stares at him.

Cloak 1: Look into my eyes!

Film Brain: *terrified* I can't see your eyes! They're covered up!

Cloak 1: Oh... Well, pretend you can see my eyes.

Film Brain: *gleefully* Okay.

Cloak 1: Look into them!

Film Brain: *terrified* AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

Cloak 1: You are now one of us! One of us. One of us.

Cloak 1 continues chanting, putting Film Brain into a hypnotic stupor. Cloak 2 and Cloak 3 join in on chanting "One of us." Film Brain's blank expression is shown one more time before cutting to black.

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