Editing Suburban Commando

{{Infobox
|Box title = Suburban Commando
|Image file = NC_Suburban_Commando_by_MaroBot.jpg
|Image size = 320
|Row 1 title = Date Aired
|Row 1 info = October 6, 2009
|Row 2 title = Running Time
|Row 2 info = 18:37
|Row 3 title = Previous review
|Row 3 info = [[Cool as Ice]]
|Row 4 title = Next review
|Row 4 info = [[Next Karate Kid]]
|Row 5 title = Link
|Row 5 info = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIgPfOpsGFA}}
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Various images of wrestlers and their movie roles are shown as NC speaks)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): “Should wrestlers star in movies?” This is the question that has plagued mankind for centuries. On the one hand, it seems ideal. I mean, they’re already sort of acting, aren’t they? I mean, they’re wrestlers. They know how to play to the crowd, they know how to make everything look thematic, it’s practically in their blood.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: On the other hand, “Suburban Commando.”</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The title screen for “Suburban Commando” is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): This is a movie starring THE HULKSTER (Hulk Hogan) as an intergalactic freedom fighter trying to hide out in middle-class suburbia.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: What’s that? That’s even too crappy to be a TGIF sitcom? Well, let’s take a look and see why this sci-fi flop is just as bad as it sounds.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The movie begins with a battle in space)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): First of all, tell me if this opening rings any bells. (A large spacecraft flies over the camera, and NC sings to the tune of the “[[Star Wars: A New Hope|Star Wars]]” theme music) Rip off! This is a rip off! This is a rip off! Are you kidding? (Normal) It turns out the sinister…Bald Guy in Chair is planning to conquer every intergalactic brouhaha and has kidnapped the President of He Won’t Be Around for Long So Who Cares?-ville.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Henchman: (speaks over an intercom) Intruder! Level 5!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">General Suitor (The “Bald Guy in Chair”): Ramsey.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Chef Ramsay (from the “Hell’s Kitchen” TV program): (bleep) Rancid!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): No, no, not that Ramsey. (Shep Ramsey (Hulk Hogan) is shown) This guy. Hulk Hogan plays the superhero Shep Ramsey.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Chef Ramsay (from “Hell’s Kitchen”): (bleep) Donkey!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: No, not Chef Ramsay! Shep.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(A clip of Shemp Howard from a “Three Stooges” short is shown)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: No, not that Shemp! (He spells out the name in red letters below him) S-H-E-P. (“Y?” appears briefly after “SHEP” goes away) Why does he have that name? (“????” appears next) I don’t know. (Three images of famous celebrities appear below him) Maybe he was born from a celebrity or something.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So he (Shep) walks down the set that even “Spaceballs” would be embarrassed to have as he beats up some bad guys.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Bad guys in black armor with blonde ponytails are shown running through the halls of the ship)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as one of the bad guys) Aww, man! Our girly haircuts won’t save us this time!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep Ramsey: Goin’ up? (He takes two bad guys and shoves their heads through a ceiling)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: (appears in a ceiling) Goin’ down. (He cuts a wire that makes two more bad guys fall through the floor)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Shep bursting into the control center and beating up more bad guys)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Shep) Going up. Going down. Err, sorry, that’s all I know how to say.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Shep takes two bad guys with black eye makeup by the throats and shoves them against a wall)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Why do all the henchmen in this world look like KISS fans or Tanya Harding?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">General Suitor: Stop! He’s mine. (As the dialogue continues, President Hashina secretly pulls out a white envelope from his sleeve) It’s been nice knowing you, Shep.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: There will be others.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">General Suitor. Goody, goody.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The President throws the envelope at General Suitor, and it somehow cuts off the Suitor’s hand that’s holding a gun; General Suitor screams in pain)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: …..I’m sorry, what?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The clip of the President throwing the envelope at General Suitor and somehow cutting off his hand that’s holding a gun and him screaming in pain is shown again)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: …He uses an envelope to cut off a man’s hand. (Curious, he lifts up his left hand, takes an envelope in the other hand, and tosses it at the left hand with no effect) HOW DOES THAT WORK?!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So I guess because his hand is cut off, he (General Suitor) starts to turn into some sort of vomit monster for some reason.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">General Suitor: (speaks in a monster voice as he goes over to grab the President by the throat with his monster hand and lifts him up) My negotiations have ended!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: Bye now. (He hits a bad guy before leaving to duck into a passageway and escape while placing limpet mines on the ship that are designed to blow it up)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Shep) So long, Mr. President! Good luck with that whole monster killing you thing! I’m just gonna detonate the ship and run away like a coward.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to the whole ship exploding in space)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Hooray! The President is dead! (Pauses before lifting his fists weakly as though to root for Shep) Go, Ramsey?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: (his escape pod spins in space and he grunts trying to get it under control) Come on! Stabilize! Stay with me!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Yeah. What do you think the odds are that he’ll run into Darth Vader after getting blown up from the Death Star?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to NC’s animation of Darth Vader’s TIE Advanced X1 and Shep’s escape pod colliding into each other and then flying off into space)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Darth Vader) OW! Watch it, dick cheese!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Back to the movie)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Superior Officer: (appears on a video screen above Shep) Excellent work, Ramsey. The Shild system can now live without threat of annihilation by General Suitor. Millions are in your debt.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as Superior Officer) All except for that one tiny detail. What was it again? Ah, yes. You killed the President, you freakin’ idiot!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: Great. So what’s next?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: World Leader Assembly, I hope!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Superior Officer: Well, actually, with the evil General out of the way, things are…pretty quiet.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: You gotta have somethin’ on your books. Maybe a terrorist extermination?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Superior Officer: No.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: Galactic nark duty?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Superior Officer: Uh-uh.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: OK, how about a big bug hunt with creatures that bleed acid?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as Superior Officer) No. Now stop referencing sci-fi films that are better than this one.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So he (Shep) accidentally damages his ship, which means he has to lay low on a planet until it recharges. How long, you might ask?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Superior Officer: Recharge no higher than .01%.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: It’ll take me six weeks to recharge! What am I gonna do for six weeks?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as Superior Officer) Maybe some acting lessons would be a good idea.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So as the credits roll, we’re greeted to a nice suburban rap.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Background Singer: (rapping) Get ready to party! That’s what I’m sayin’! Get up, get your body swayin’! Madonna lumbato, so (????) want to be there!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Yeah, that’s good, but it’s no ICE!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Vanilla Ice (from “[[Cool as Ice]]”): I’m gonna drop you funky lyrics.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So we cut to our other star in the movie, Christopher Lloyd, playing an architect named Charlie.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Theresa (Charlie’s daughter): (smiles) Please, Dad. Get a grip.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie Wilcox (Lloyd): Tell your mom I’ll be right in.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Charlie) I’m working on my flux capacitor. (normal) He’s married to a decomposing codfish—I mean, Shelley Duvall, as she tries to give him advice about asking for a raise.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jenny Wilcox (Duvall): You’ve gotten praise for that raise.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie: Aw, now, honey.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Charlie while the credit “Costume Designer: Ha Nguyen” appears) Costume designer Ha Nguyen wouldn’t like that. (Normal) So after the rap song stops barking, Charlie finally gets up the nerve to ask for a raise.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie: I’m trying to say…</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Adrian Beltz (Larry Miller): I know what you’re trying to say. Come on, Charlie. (He grabs Charlie by the arms and shakes him a little) Charlie, Charlie, look at me. Be with me now. Come on now! Come on, boy!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: This is sexual harassment and I don’t have to take it?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So he doesn’t get the raise, but he does get a comedy foil. Ramsey lands and tries to find a place to stay while his ship recharges.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Shep finds a sign on a pole that says “Apartment for Rent” and has an arrow pointing to the right)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Well, gee! Judging by those incredible directions that sign just gave me, my guess is the apartment is somewhere…there-ish. (Many green arrows point to various spots on the screen) We then cut to a scene where Charlie is hag-racing with some old geezers but finds he just can’t run the yellow light.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Charlie stops his car as soon as the yellow traffic light flashes and other car go around him)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie: Damn it! (He backs up his car to try again)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): That’s not funny. But don’t worry. It’s a running joke, so they’ll repeat it several times until you have no choice but to find it funny!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: But who am I to argue with running jokes Big Lipped Alligator Moment, Elephant, Chuck Norris?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(NC’s “Big Lipped Alligator Moment,” “Elephant” and “Chuck Norris” running gags appear simultaneously)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So he returns home where his wife thinks that he asked for his raise. (Charlie lies on the couch) So she wants to congratulate him by—(Jenny appears in a robe, black lingerie and a thick, braided wig) Oh, God! No, no, NONONONONONONO! Not with Shelley Duvall, please!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jenny: I just thought you sounded so sad on the phone.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): God! It looks like a mix between Cher and The Incredible Mr. Limpet.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie: Thanks, anyway. (He gets off the couch to leave)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Jenny playfully spanks Charlie once on the butt as he leaves)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jenny: You’re welcome.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): No. No spanking, no lingerie! As far as I’m concerned, this is a sexless marriage! I know they have two kids, but that’s what orphanages are for. Thank God somebody rings the doorbell and interrupts her I-don’t-want-to-know-what.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie: (answers the door and opens it) What?!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: (shows the “Apartment for Rent” sign) I’m here to rent the apartment.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So Ramsey comes into the picture and tries his best to fit in.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie: I can’t believe we even rented out to that guy. He’s enormous! And he’s probably dangerous.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as Charlie) Or worse yet, a wrestler!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): But Charlie sneaks a peek at Ramsey’s settling in, because he simply doesn’t trust him. Or at least I ''hope'' that’s why he’s sneaking a peek at him.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Charlie sneaks a peek at Shep examining the stuff in his bag)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Charlie) Oh, God, he’s so much more attractive than my wife! (Normal) He finds one of his ray guns and accidentally turns it on, which allows interstellar bad guys to track him down.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Trooper: Commander, we got a traceable power source.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Commander: Can you pinpoint?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Trooper: I’m working on it now, sir.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as the Trooper) Let me just finish playing my game of Pac Man first. (Normal) So while they track him down, our hero continues to encounter some misunderstandings about suburban life!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Shep lifts weights with some giant tool machines outside until he hears Jenny screaming inside the house; he tosses one machine aside before quickly getting up)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as a neighbor, presumably hit by the giant tool machine) OWWW!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Shep runs inside to see Jenny screaming to herself while sitting on the couch and lifts her up from it)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jenny: Whoa! Mr. Ramsey! It’s “Marsha”!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: “Marsha”?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jenny: A TV show! It just so happens that today is about…screaming for health. You know, to get out all those internal tensions before it becomes mental stress?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: …Yes! And next week is running down the middle of the street shouting “Rape!” to ease the tension.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): He also tries skateboarding with Charlie’s son, but that seems to backfire as well.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Boy #1: (after Shep tries a skateboard and falls) Even my mom can stay on longer than that.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The other kids laugh, Shep gets mad and tosses the skateboard into the sky like a Frisbee; Cut to NC’s animation of the skateboard hitting Darth Vader’s TIE Advance X1 and bouncing away)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Darth Vader) AHH! God, what a week.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (Normal) Meanwhile, that running joke returns to set up a most likely disappointing payoff.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Charlie drives with traffic until the traffic light flashes yellow, making him stop and have other cars drive around him)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): What is it with him, anyway? Did a yellow light eat his dog or something?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: What kind of world is this?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So the neighbor’s car is very rudely blocking Charlie’s driveway, which results in Ramsey moving it out of the way.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Four tough men from next door approach Shep)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Tough Guy #1: Hey! Goldilocks!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (laughs) That was funny.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Tough Guy #1: You got any idea what we’re gonna do to you if we find one itty-bitty scratch on ‘em?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: Let me guess. You’re gonna pound my face, break every bone in my body, then you’re gonna drag me across the gravel road and feed my remains to a warthog. Is that about right?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as Shep) ‘Cause that would really turn me on!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Tough Guy #1: What are you, nuts? It’s the ‘90s. We’re gonna sue ya.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (laughs) That’s also funny. The movie clearly should have been about these guys.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Tough Guy #2: You’ll be hearing from our attorney.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Oh, he (Shep) also saves the life of Charlie’s son, because apparently he can’t hear an incredibly fast moving vehicle with the music blasting as loud as it can!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Shep moves Mark Wilcox out of the way as the car runs over Mark’s skateboard and turns at a corner; Shep watches the car drive away and gets mad)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as Shep, raising his fists in fury) Hulk SMASH!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Shep lifting the car on the passenger side, trying to flip it over)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Young Teen: You’re crazy!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So he flips the car over and throws the guys out of the vehicle. So what does he get for injuring others and destroying someone else’s property? CAKE!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Jenny: (offers Shep some chocolate cake at dinnertime) Shep, this is for you in appreciation of everything you’ve done for us.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Thank you for senselessly beating people and scaring the shit out of the neighborhood.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): But Charlie still doesn’t trust Ramsey, so he follows him around some more.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Charlie peeking his head out of some bushes and the musical score accompanies him doing so)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Shep) It’s no use! I can hear your sneaking music! (Normal) So I guess he (Shep) just goes out in the middle of the night looking for crimes to fight. Good God, doesn’t this guy ever sleep?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: (after beating up some thugs and returning a valuable item to a female victim while jogging in place) Ma’am.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Shep) Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to pee.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Woman #1: (after Shep leaves) Thank you.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Shep walking around until he hears arcade shooting noises; he backs up against a wall as though hiding in defense until he enters an arcade place)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Boy #2: (playing a video game) No way you’re winning the galaxy this time, Dragus! Oh, no, he’s gotten to my deflectors!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: Use your phasors!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Boy #2: I can’t! I’m in hyper space!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: Then launch photon torpedoes!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Boy #2: You’re crazy! Dragus absorbs photons to get more power!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Really? Because it looks like “After Burner.” You know, that game about jets and ''not'' space aliens?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Shep tries his hand at the game)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Boy #2: Forget it! No one can defeat Dragus!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): It’s “After Burner”!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: Give it up, Dragus! Give it up!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (his voice raises in anger) It’s “After Burner”!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: Give it up, Dragus! Give it up!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: IT’S GODDAMN “AFTER BURNER”! IT’S A GAME MADE IN 1987 BY THE SEGA CORPORATION! IT’s “AFTER BURNER,” “AFTER BURNER,” “AFTER BURNER”!!!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The game ends and a white surrender flag pops up from the top of the game machine)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Boy #2: You just saved the galaxy!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Children: YAAAYYY!!!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Boy #2: You must play this game a lot.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: Game? What game?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The children laugh and giggle as we hear the trumpet “Wah-wah” music)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (shrugs his shoulders) “AFTER BURNER”!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So Charlie finds Ramsey’s robotic suit and…rather than question it, he simply decides to put it on and fight crime itself.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to a woman being held by two thugs)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Woman #2: Help me!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Thug #1: Come here, baby.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Ah, yes, this is back in the day when all bad men wanted to do was just pull at women’s arms repeatedly.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Charlie using his suit to fly up and land on the thugs, defeating them)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Charlie) It’s Gizmo Duck!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): By the way, what is THAT thing for? (A green arrow points to Charlie’s codpiece) Does every super-suit just come with an automatic crotch warmer?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie: Does it have to be that way?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So while Ramsey checks his scanner to see if there's any black people in this movie, he comes across an unfortunate discovery.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: Bounty hunters!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Firmus Piett (from “[[Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back]]”): We don’t need their scum.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): He thinks Charlie is to blame, so he goes to his work to see him.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: (to a receptionist) Where’s Charlie Wilcox?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Secretary: In a meeting. He can’t be disturbed. Take a message or take a seat.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Shep smashes an item on the secretary’s desk)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Secretary: (stands up) I said, “Take a seat!”</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as the secretary) And if you ''dare'' do the joke I know you’re thinking of—(Cut to Shep carring a bench on his shoulders) Oh, you are scum.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Shep in Charlie’s office and grabbing Charlie by the shirt and pushing him up against the doors)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: Where’s my intertinellarizor (sp?)? Did you follow me to my ship?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie: Yes.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: Did you fool with my stuff?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (is disturbed) Uhhhhh…</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: Where’s my intertinellarizor?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So Hulk Hogan and Christopher Lloyd get in a car—and no, that’s not the beginning of a bad joke—to hunt down the weapon that’s leading the tracking signal.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie: You said, “Maybe”! That they may find their way here.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: They may not get an exact fix. They could pass us right by if no more flares are set up.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie: That’s why you gotta get that in…two-tooth…thingy back, right?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: Right.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Shep) You know, I gotta admit, you’re taking this whole “me being an alien” thing pretty well. Most people would have…''questions'' or something, but you seem pretty cool with it.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: We can find ‘em with this. It zeroes in on the gun’s electronic signal. (He activates an electronic device with two probes flipping out from the sides)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (sputters in disbelief) Wait a minute! That’s the PKE meter from “Ghostbusters”!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Good God, were you just raiding Dan Aykroyd’s storage locker?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So it turns out the crooks from the other night stole that weapon. They start using it as a freeze gun—(An image of Mr. Freeze from “[[Batman & Robin|Batman and Robin]]” is shown) No, I’m not going there. (Back to the movie)—as they use it to break into banks and steal money.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to the two crooks stuffing money into a bag and into their shirts)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as the crooks) Oh, boy! Now we can just pay women to let us pull their arms!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Ramsey gets the gun back, but Charlie is frozen in the process. On top of that, the evil bounty hunters arrive and start randomly shooting the wall! (beat) Mildly annoying, but not really that threatening. So Ramsey gets Charlie home—hopefully not going through any tunnels—as he thaws him out at his ship.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: They’re here. (sighs)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie: Who’s here?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: A couple of leeches that make their living off the blood of others.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: I’m gonna say the producers.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: Bounty hunters!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: That was my next choice.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So while suiting up, Ramsey asks Charlie for help in defeating these evil doers.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: It’s your fault they’re here!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie: My fault?!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: Yeah!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie: How the hell was I supposed to know that you were some sort of alien Rambo?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): And then Charlie says probably one of my favorite out-of-context lines of all time.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie: Christ! I was frozen today!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (laughs) I friggin’ LOVE that line. Let me hear it again.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie: I was frozen today!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (laughs) Just out of nowhere! The next time you’re in the middle of an argument with someone, just say it! Just say it out of nowhere! For example, you’ll be like…</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to NC sitting down, arguing with NC standing up)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC 1: Don’t act like you know what I’m going through. You have no idea what I’m going through!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC 2: Well, don’t act like you’re king of the universe all the time!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC 1: I worked very hard to get where I am!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC 2: (scoffs) “Hard work”! You have no idea what hard work is!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC 1: I WAS FROZEN TODAY!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(NC 2 stares awkwardly at NC 1 while slowly backing out of the room, closing the door; cut back to NC looking at the camera)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Say it at parties, family get-togethers, whatever. Just sit back and enjoy some of the most awkward expressions you’ve ever seen in your entire life. (He gives a thumb up as the “I Was Frozen Today!” line appears onscreen below him)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie: (audio) I was frozen today!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Anyway, back to the story. It turns out the only thing to fix Ramsey’s ship faster are these crystals that Charlie’s boss happens to have, so they try to sneak in after business hours to get them, but the boss is entertaining.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Adrian Beltz: (to Charlie) Did you make the alterations I specified?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie: Ah, yes! Yes, yes, I left them down in the car. I’ll go pick them up and bring them to your office.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Adrian Beltz: Good. Splendid. One more thing. Will I be astonished?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie: I think so.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Adrian Beltz: I almost kissed you, but I wouldn’t.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(NC makes a surprised face and we hear a “Boing” sound effect)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie (from earlier in the film): I was frozen today!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (laughs) You see? I already forgot about what the previous line was. It’s that good.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So the bounty hunters find him (Shep) and they have themselves a somewhat creative but mostly boring fight scene. I have to admit, any action sequence that gets a toilet on someone’s head is at least trying.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Hutch (played by Mark Callaway a.k.a. The Undertaker, but speaks in a child's voice) You’re a dead man, Ramsey.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: (is surprised and dumbfounded) No wonder you guys never talked.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: If only Hulk Hogan can learn that trick.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So, of course, they defeat the bounty hunters as Ramsey and Charlie get ready to launch the ship.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: Charlie, do me a favor. Go back to my place and make sure I’ve got everything. I don’t want to risk leaving even one of those traceable devices behind.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as Shep) We don’t need sequels, Charlie. We don’t want anything calling it back!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Charlie arriving home and all the lights are off)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie: Jenny? Jenny!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Charlie) I was frozen today. (Normal) But Lord Shiny Scalp is apparently still alive as he threatens Charlie and his family if Ramsey doesn’t turn himself in.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to a different location: Shep’s apartment)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: (to General Suitor) Well, this is how you’re gonna do me in. By boring me to death with speeches?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">General Suitor: Oh, unfortunately for you, you’re going to die much…more…painfully.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (mocks General Suitor) Could I emphasize my words…(sniffs through his nose once)…any…mmmore?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): But the family escapes as Charlie rushes in and tries to stop the evil villain, who is transformed into—(General Suitor appears in his monster form, and NC laughs) OK. When did he turn into the Emperor from the Black Lagoon?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(A fight scene occurs as the monster fights Shep and raises its arms in triumph, making a screeching noise)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as the monster) I love cheering over stupid things! It allows my enemies plenty of time for them to destroy me—(Shep takes an electric wire, breaks it apart to have sparks come out and approaches the monster) Oh. Yeah. Pretty much like that.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Shep shocks the monster with the electric wires and runs away before the building explodes)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So Ramsey and Charlie make it out alive as Ramsey plans to leave Earth once and for all. But not before tying up some loose ends.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Shep trying a skateboard in front of a group of boys one more time; he slips, but flips backward to land his feet back on the skateboard and do tricks on it)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Boy #3: Whoa! He’s going for a full-out hand stand!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Boy #4: No way!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: (skates by the boys while doing a hand stand) Way!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: What, did he learn skateboarding from the “Surf Ninja” kid?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Johnny (from “[[Surf Ninjas]],” played by Ernie Reyes, Jr.): Remember, bend your knees, use your arms!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So he (Shep) gets on his ship, says goodbye, and takes off from a skyscraper. (Pauses) Yeah, because nobody will notice a spaceship leaving in broad daylight on top of a skyscraper!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: But wait a minute. What about that running yellow light joke?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Charlie driving with traffic until the traffic yellow light turns to red, and Charlie drives through it; he stops to get out and shoot the light with a laser gun, making it spew sparks everywhere before he gets back in the car and drives off)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Really? You’re gonna end on that? Just shooting the lights? We waited through…two unfunny scenes that you had to close down this whole friggin’ highway delaying traffic for God knows how long JUST FOR THAT?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: SUCK MY NOSTALGIC EGG ROLL, MOVIE!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So that’s “Suburban Commando,” and while certainly not a good movie, I will give it credit that it at least got a chuckle out of me here and there, which is more than I can say for some other films.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: But for the most part, it’s just stupid. The only contribution to cinema it's ever made is…</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie: I was frozen today!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (laughs) I’m serious, just…try it out and see what happens. I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (He gets up to leave)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">THE END</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (pokes his head in after leaving) And it was “After Burner”!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shep: Shut up.</p>

{{NCscripts}}
[[Category:Content]]
[[Category:Guides]]
[[Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts]]
[[Category:Transcripts]]
[[Category:Nostalgia Critic]]