April 24, 2019
(The Channel Awesome logo and NC title sequence play)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Most of us know the classic story of Stuart Little.
(A shot of the cover of the original story is shown)
NC (vo): E.B. White's timeless tale of a little mouse who lives with a human family, goes on the silliest of adventures, and overcomes his fears, resulting in the happiest of endings.
NC: Well, you don't remember dick, because (The cover appears in corner) that's not what this book is like at all!
(A montage of illustrations from the stories by Garth Williams is shown)
NC (vo): Despite millions reading it, many block out the nonsensical insanity that Stuart Little actually was. For starters, he's not a mouse, he's a human that looks like a mouse. And he's not adopted; his mother just pushed him out that way. At the age of seven, he acts and talks like he's 16. He befriends a bird who runs away, and he uses a gas-powered toy car with a magic invisible lever to find her. He takes a job as a substitute teacher along the way, dates a girl who happens to be the exact same height, but blows it because his toy canoe is destroyed and she freaks out by his temper tantrum!
NC: (holding up index finger) Keep in mind, this is the climax!
NC (vo): Thus, he drives north, still searching for the bird, never finding her. And...that's where it stops! It literally ends right there!
NC: Back then, critics were like, "What the hell? Are you high?!"
NC (vo): But...kids seemed to love it, and I guess it made sense. It's a weird, bizarre story told in a very grounded and low-key way. But how strange that so many people remember it being such a normal, run-of-the-mill kids' book when it was anything but.
(The poster and image of the movie are shown)
NC (vo): Well, a lot of that may have to do with the movie, who had the difficult task of taking this wildly odd journal of madness and turning it into a profitable family film. How do Hollywood writers make such a giant hit out of such strangeness?
NC: The answer is, they don't. This is, in fact, the very first film to be written entirely by...the 90s.
(A Photoshopped skit is shown, showing a combined being of various 90s images approaching the image of the book, covering the book up, and then the DVD cover of the movie appears)
NC (vo): They just gave the 90s the book, the Zack Morris cell phone ate it up, and shat out a pair of Khakis in a V-neck sweater.
NC: (confused) Upgrade?
(The title of the movie is shown, before we are shown its footage)
(NC looks stunned for a brief moment, before letting out a chuckle)
NC: No, really, who made this?
NC (vo): ...Stuart Little is an attempt to give audiences an adaptation of the book they thought they read. You can pretty much call this film the Mandela Effect, as it only loosely follows the strangeness of the book and instead gives us light, run-of-the-mill family fluff that we, for some reason, remember the book being. Is it an improvement on the literary drunken ramble, or is it the 90s' Abercrombie and Fitch, a lot of money with no substance?
NC: Well, let's see if things were left better safe than crazy. This is Stuart Little.
(The movie starts)
NC (vo): So how can we hammer in we're in the 90s...? (The first scene of the film shows an excited boy named George Little, played by Jonathan Lipnicki, running to his parents' bedroom) Hi, Jerry Maguire kid!
(George is shown walking with his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Little, to the bus stop, talking about their anticipation for a new adopted brother)
George: I'll play ball with him, I'll wrestle with him, and I'm gonna teach him how to spit.
NC: I like to take some shots at how overly-cutesy his acting is, but seeing how he can probably kick my ass now, (An image of Jonathan Lipnicki in the present day is shown) I'm just gonna stick with Olsen Twin jokes.
Mrs. Little: Bye, sweetie.
(George boards the school bus as the music score from Alan Silvestri is heard)
NC: Ah, the 90s, when even boarding a bus had to have some whimsical music.
(The scene repeats)
NC: (as an over-the-top-sounding bus driver) Next stop: whimsy-whumsy-whimsy!
George: (looking out the bus window to speak one last sentence to his parents) Remember, I want a little brother, not a big brother.
NC: (as George) And human! I can't emphasize that enough!
(Mr. and Mrs. Little later visit the orphanage, where they meet Mrs. Keeper, the owner)
NC (vo): This is George Little. His parents, played by Geena Davis and Hugh Laurie, are off to the orphanage to adopt a brother for him.
(Mr. and Mrs. Little walk into a room filled with dozens of children running and playing)
NC (vo; as the Littles): Oh, none of these kids are mice. This place blows!
(The Littles encounter a talking mouse named Stuart sitting next to them)
NC (vo): They, of course, come across Stuart, voiced by Michael J. Fox, who tries to give them advice on what kid would be the best for them.
Stuart: It happens the same way every time. First, you won't know what to do, you'll be a little bit scared, then you'll meet one of them, you'll talk to him. Somehow...you just know.
NC: Okay, let's be honest. If the dialogue for this character was written for a kid instead of a mouse, he would totally look like a serial killer!
(The scene of Stuart's first appearance is replaced with a Photoshopped image of a boy making a sinister face, with NC voicing him in a high-pitched sinister tone)
Sinister Boy (NC): It happens the same way every time. First, you won't know what to do, you'll be a little scared, then you'll meet one of them, talk to them. And somehow...you'll just know. (Beat) Aren't I good?
(The Littles decide to choose Stuart as their second son, and they begin driving home, as the opening credits roll while the camera focuses on the blue sky)
NC (vo): The credits give us a pretty nice shot of the city...thank God we focus on the clouds through most of them...
NC: New York is such a boring place to shoot.
NC (vo): ...and they bring Stuart to his new home, as featured in several Disney properties. (Two images of a sentient house from a short The Little House and the house from Up are shown in comparison with the Little house)
(Stuart and the Littles walk into the house)
Mrs. Little: They say every Little in the world can find this house.
Mr. Little: Even if they've never been here before.
NC: (looking deadpan) I'm just gonna take a guess and say that's a Shyamalan line.
Mr. Little: Would you like a tour?
Stuart: I don't have any money.
NC: (snickers) I'm just gonna guess and say that wasn't a Shyamalan line, 'cause it actually got a laugh out of me! An intentional one.
(When George comes home, he finds himself unenthused with Stuart and walks to his basement. The family is then shown eating dinner)
NC (vo): But George is unimpressed with his new brother...or perhaps at the fact that the Littles seem to have a stripe fetish. Come on, Tim Burton and The Cat in the Hat have more variety than you!
Mrs. Little: (to George) Don't you have anything you want to ask Stuart?
Stuart: Go ahead. I'm an open book.
NC: Something the writers of this clearly didn't do.
(Various scenes of Stuart's first day at the Little house are shown)
NC (vo): At first, sure. I'll admit, it is kind of funny seeing Stuart among the regular-size house and appliances, and though it doesn't look like he's actually there, he does come across as very expressive and...yeah, I'll just say it...cute. He's very cute.
(We cut back to the earlier scene of the Littles taking Stuart on a tour of the house, only for the family's pet cat, Snowbell, to appear and try to eat Stuart)
NC (vo): But the bullshit family film formula starts to take hold when their cat named Snowbell enters the picture.
Mr. Little: (holding Snowbell) Stuart is one of the family now. We do not eat family members.
NC: Did they...really not think this would be an issue?
(A page of the book is shown)
NC (vo): I mean, in the book, he's just born that way, and they happen to already have a cat. (Back to the movie) Here, it's like buying an ant farm to get along with your pet anteater. IT'S BAD ODDS!
(As Stuart is about to sleep in his bedroom, Snowbell comes in to speak his current displeasure)
Stuart: Maybe I can help. What do you like? Can I...can I scratch your ears?
NC: Okay, place your bets. Which gay 90s actor voices him?
(Images of NC's guesses are shown below a shot of Snowbell)
NC (vo): Rupert Everett, Sean Hayes, or miscellaneous Queer Eye guy?
Snowbell (Nathan Lane): Tense? Oh, I'm...I'm way past tense.
NC: Lane! Of course! Lion King director, I should have connected the dots!
Snowbell: This is my family.
Stuart: Can't we share 'em?
Snowbell: Read my furry pink lips...
NC: (as Snowbell) My poorly computer-generated, borrowed from Babe lips.
(The next morning, Stuart and George each wake up, go to the bathroom, and brush their teeth, as funky music plays in the background)
NC (vo): Uh-oh, Full House music. Here's some UFC pics offsetting the cute pandering that's sure to lie ahead.
(The whole sequence of Stuart and George brushing their teeth is shown alongside various images of UFC fighters in wrestling matches)
NC: They match so little, they kind of match perfectly.
(Due to an unfortunate accident, Stuart ends up getting thrown by Mrs. Little into the washing machine alongside George's pajamas. Snowbell comes in and sees Stuart trapped, before beginning to leave)
NC (vo): Stuart gets thrown into the washing machine, though, and tries getting help from Snowbell.
Stuart: Snowbell, where are you going?
Snowbell: Oh, I've gotta stare at traffic, yawn, lick myself. And believe me, that could take hours if you do it right.
NC: That wasn't a line from the script. That's just when Nathan Lane said what he was gonna do after the shoot.
(Just in time, Mrs. Little rescues Stuart from drowning in the washing machine. We cut to a doctor named Dr. Beechwood, played by Dabney Coleman, checking on Stuart as he recovers in bed)
NC (vo): Mrs. Little gets him out in time, and Dr. Dabney Coleman looks him over, delivering a line so bad that only Dabney Coleman could possibly make it funny.
Dr. Beechwood: I think he's gonna be fine. (The Littles sigh in relief) Also, he's...very clean. (After a short beat, he walks out of the room)
NC: How did he make that line magic? I don't know.
(Days later, the Littles go to visit a department store, while Mr. Little speaks with George outside, who is looking at a model boat on a window display)
NC (vo): Mr. Little talks to George about giving his mousy brother a fair chance, but it quickly, for no reason, turns into a talk about boats.
Mr. Little: Don't you want to race your boat, George?
George: I'm not so good at the racing part.
Mr. Little: So what? It doesn't matter about winning. You try like heck and you have fun.
NC: (as Mr. Little) It's like trying an American accent. You just do it, have fun, and don't listen to the critics.
(Inside the store, Stuart and Mrs. Little are shown various models by a store clerk, with Stuart eventually settling in for a set of clothes that suits the occasion for a big family party, which occurs later in the night, attended by all of the other Little family relatives, who are all carrying large presents)
NC (vo): I like that they shop for Stuart's party clothes in the doll section of the toy store, but what kind of party has everybody arrive at the exact same time?
Uncle Crenshaw: (laughs, embracing George) There's my favorite little nephew.
Uncle Stretch: Oh, you can't say that anymore, Crenshaw.
Aunt Tina: That's right.
NC: (as Aunt Tina) It's not PC. (as Uncle Crenshaw, offscreen) Is it? (as Aunt Tina) I don't know. Nothing's PC anymore.
(Mr. and Mrs. Little introduce Stuart to the other Littles, who, after taking in the fact that the new Little is a mouse, quickly accept Stuart and offer him their gifts, most of which are too big for Stuart to use)
NC (vo): They introduce Stuart to the family, and they give him gifts that are way too big for him, because the parents never told anyone he was a mouse. (Beat) The...thought occurs to me that these parents are really awful.
Aunt Beatrice: (witnessing Stuart on a large bike) He may have to grow into it.
(NC acts out a skit of an excited family member offering gifts to a mother, with various images of what he describes being shown)
NC: (as a family member) I got Billy a skateboard!
NC: (as a mother) Oh, I forgot to tell you. Billy's in a wheelchair.
NC: (as a family member) Oh. Well, I got Cindy a hairbrush!
NC: (as a mother) Oh, I forgot to tell you. Cindy has no head.
NC: (as a family member) Oh. Well, uh...I got Johnny some sneakers!
NC: (as a mother) Johnny's a bear.
NC: (as a family member) Where'd you find this orphanage?!
(Uncle Crenshaw gives Stuart and George a small baseball for them to play together, but this causes George to become annoyed)
NC (vo): But George is still angry that his new brother is a mouse...at least, I...think that's the emotion he's going for.
George: Are you all nuts? Bicycles and bowling balls? How's he gonna toss a baseball? How is he gonna do any of those things? He's not my brother, he's a mouse.
NC: (after a pause) Remember when the Olsen Twins said... (An image of a Photoshopped t-shirt showing an Olsen twin standing around burning fire with the caption "Full House - You're in big trouble, mister" is shown) ..."You're in big trouble, mister"? (Smiles) That was dumb.
(That same night, Stuart approaches Mr. and Mrs. Little's bedroom to speak with them)
Stuart: I just wanted to ask you something.
Mr. Little: What did you want to ask us?
Stuart: About my real family. You know, the ones I look like.
NC: (as Mr. Little) Well, sure. They were Jewish immigrants, and they said they lost you at sea, but they just didn't like you very much. (An image of Fievel's family from An American Tail is shown)
(The next day, Mr. and Mrs. Little visit Mrs. Keeper at the orphanage to ask her to do some background research on Stuart's biological family)
NC (vo): So Mr. and Mrs. Little go to find out about Stuart's original parents.
Mrs. Keeper: It's out of the question, and it's against the rules. Besides, it's very hard to track mouse families. They're not very good with paperwork.
NC: Whoa, whoa! I mean, we all think it, but we never say it! What the fuck?!
(Back at home, Stuart attempts to start off fresh with Snowbell, only to be refused. It is at this moment that Snowbell's friend, an alley cat named Monty, arrives at the house to eat some food, as Snowbell tries to make Monty not see Stuart around the house)
NC (vo): Stuart, meanwhile, tries to get along with Snowbell again, but another cat enters the house, and we partake in clearly cats not acting, but we're just gonna put lips on them like they are.
(Monty and Snowbell talk with each other while in the background, Stuart sneaks past them, carrying a box of cat food)
Monty (Steve Zahn): Yeah, you look pale. Maybe you should see a vet.
Snowbell: A vet? What a swell idea. Do you know anybody? I'm not so happy with mine.
NC: Now that's just lazy. Am I right, Chaplin?
(Doug's cat, Chaplin, is shown in a bathroom with a Photoshopped mouth speaking)
Chaplin (voiced by NC): I'm not even in the same location as you.
(After Monty eventually discovers Stuart and Snowbell chases Stuart in anger after that event, Stuart escapes into George's basement, where he discovers George)
NC (vo): Here's a riddle. Which one of these is the lifeless CG puppet?
(George and Stuart begin to bond with each other by playing together. Stuart performs a stunt involving one of George's toy trains, impressing George)
Stuart: (bowing down) Thank you very much. Thank you.
George: (chuckles) You're crazy. Hey. I have an idea.
NC: (after a beat) Remember when the Olsens released their greatest hits CD? (An image of a Photoshopped CD cover of the Olsen Twins with the title "I Am the Cute One" is shown) I bet their fists aren't as steel-hardened as this guy's. (Another image of an adult Jonathan Lipnicki is shown)
(George shows Stuart a model Roadster car for Stuart to drive in)
NC (vo): George gives Stuart the iconic toy car I remember so well from the book, so naturally, he takes it for a... (Stuart notices from one of the car's mirrors an unfinished boat model of George's called the Wasp) Hey, a boat!
Stuart: She's beautiful.
George: Yeah, but she's not finished.
NC: Like the movie.
(Stuart and George, along with their parents, plan to finish the Wasp for an upcoming boat race in Central Park. Meanwhile, Snowbell and Monty visit a Mafia-like leader of the alley cats named Smokey to get an idea on how to remove Stuart from the house without killing him)
NC (vo): Stuart helps George finish the boat for the big race, but Snowbell is finally fed up and looks for outside help.
Smokey (Chazz Palminteri): A mouse with a pet cat? That's sick! A cat can't have a rodent for a master. Word of this gets out, it'll be bad for cats all over.
NC: (as Smokey) It'll be the worst thing to happen to cats since...well, Cats. (An image of the musical Cats is shown)
Smokey: (to Snowbell) Don't worry, Tinkerbell. I'm all over it.
Snowbell: (laughs) Tinkerbell! He called me Tinkerbell! You're a funny guy!
Smokey: Yeah, right. Whatever.
NC: (as Snowbell) I mean, Timon-Bell would've worked on two levels, but...
(Days later, the Little family attends the Central Park Boat Race, where George and Stuart enter their boat, the Wasp, in the race)
NC (vo): So the day of the race arrives, and their boat named Wasp...
NC: (laughs) Yes. I'm so surprised they call it that, too. (An image of the Little family is shown)
NC (vo): ...is ready to float.
(George suddenly spots a sinister-looking boat in the water, and realizes who's controlling it)
NC: (laughs) Okay. How did they make a toy boat look evil? Ships from Pirates of the Caribbean don't look that evil!
(A image of a toy Pirates of the Carribbean ship is shown alongside the sinister-looking boat. The boat's controller, a bully named Anton, approaches George)
Anton: Gee, George, what did you do? Get that out of a cereal box?
NC: (smiles, bewildered) Oh, don't tell me. You're the owner of that boat?
Anton: I'm glad you're here, George. Someone's gotta finish last.
NC: I didn't know I wanted a series about Dr. Evil as an eight-year-old, but if that kid plays him, I'm totally down!
(Mr. Little and George place the Wasp in the water)
George: Maybe we should go home.
Mr. Little: Why?
George: I'm not wearing my lucky underwear.
NC: (looking unamused) Gotta be a Shyamalan line. Can't you just see it followed up with...?
(A clip from The Happening is shown)
Nursery guy: You like hot dogs, right?
(While carrying the boat's remote control, Stuart accidentally drops it and it is smashed when it is stepped on by a man)
NC (vo): Stuart drops the remote, though, much to Anton and his boat posse's delight.
(As George looks at the destroyed remote, he notices Anton and his friend laughing at him)
Anton: Nice going, Captain Loser! (Continues laughing with his cronies)
NC: (as Anton) Come on, boys. We have a Lego tea party at our toy yacht club! (Snorts in a snobbish manner)
NC (vo): Gee, however will they resolve this?
(To make it up to George, Stuart pilots the Wasp himself just as the race starts)
George: Stuart! (Stuart laughs) What are you doing?
NC: (as George, speaking monotone) I'm blown away with indifference. (Speaks normally) Oh, I mean... (An image of one of the Olsen Twins giving a thumbs up with the caption "You got it, dude" is shown) "You got it, dude" was weird.
(George begins watching the race right next to Anton, who has started the race himself)
Anton: Gee, George, you all done crying?
George: Yeah. You all done being a jerk?
NC: A surprisingly straightforward answer.
(All of the remote control boats, including Stuart in the Wasp, begin sailing into the race course)
Stuart: Don't worry, George, I won't let you down!
NC (vo; as Stuart): I was wondering why we built this with a functioning steering wheel. A toast to improbable techniques!
(Anton uses his boat to ram into another boat, sinking it into the water. The kid who was controlling the sunk boat is then suddenly pulled away by a larger boy also racing his boat)
NC (vo): But not only does Anton's boat demolish another kid's boat, but he has a boy bodyguard shove the driver away.
NC: Oh, 90s bullies. There's a special cloud in Lazy Heaven waiting for you. (An image of a cloud with the caption "Lazy" on it is shown) At least, it would be if it weren't so lazy. (The word "Lazy" disappears from the image)
(Stuart gets into a tussle with Anton's boat)
Anton: Look what that stupid mouse did to my sail!
George: He's not a stupid mouse.
Anton: (smiles) He's a stupid rat.
(George immediately pulls Anton down to the ground and attacks him)
NC: (stunned) This is the most serious toy boat race I've ever seen in my life!
Anton: Get off me! Get off!
(Mr. Little pulls George away from Anton)
Mr. Little: George!
NC: (as Mr. Little) So your mouse brother might die. We still have to follow the rules of the race, (Suddenly speaks normally) which, I think, every single one has been broken!
(Stuart eventually escapes from Anton's boat and manages to cross the finish line first, winning the race, much to the delight of the crowd)
Spectator: (to George) Who is that mouse anyway?
George: That's no mouse, that's my brother.
NC: (beat) He has an eight-pack, man. (Another image of an adult Jonathan Lipnicki appears)
(Anton is shown struggling to control his boat, which has been rendered inoperable after Stuart cut the boat's wires to free himself)
NC (vo): Take that, main antagonist we introduced halfway through the movie and will never speak of again!
NC: Seriously, though, I'm gonna miss you. (An image of Anton is shown along with a caption describing his length of screen time, which is "33:43-41:22")
(We go to a commercial. When we come back, we are shown the Little family celebrating George and Stuart's victory back at the house, before they are suddenly visited by a mouse couple called the Stouts)
NC (vo): Stuart and George, of course, win the big race, but they get some unexpected visitors.
Mr. Stout: We're looking for Stuart.
Mr. Little: Are you friends of his?
Mr. Stout: We're his parents.
NC: (as Mr. Stout) Yeah, we were looking for his brother Algernon. That didn't pan out, so we'll take whatever you got.
(The Stouts speak with Stuart and the Littles in the living room, soon convincing the Littles that Stuart properly belongs with the Stouts. Stuart sadly leaves the Little family, taking the Roadster car from George as a goodbye present, and the Stouts take Stuart to their house, which is at a model castle at a golf course)
NC (vo): So Stuart's parents, played by Bruno Kirby and Jennifer Tilly, say they want Stuart back because they now have the financial capacity to take care of him. Stuart's human parents...again, cementing how awful they are at this...tell Stuart he needs to go with them. George gives Stuart the toy car, and they drive away to his new home at an abandoned miniature golf course.
(Stuart begins settling in to his new bedroom as the Stouts begin to leave)
Mr. Stout: Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite. (Before leaving, he stops and whispers) I'm serious about those bed bugs. Keep an eye open.
NC: (as Mr. Stout) The spider named Charlotte smells nice, but she will eat you. (An image of Charlotte from the animated version of Charlotte's Web is shown)
(Days later, as the Little family struggles to cope with Stuart's departure, Mrs. Keeper visits the Littles to give them some news. Mrs. Little is shown holding Snowbell, who also listens to what Mrs. Keeper is saying)
NC (vo): The family tries adjusting to life without Stuart, but the woman from the orphanage says Stuart's parents are dead.
Mrs. Keeper: It was an unsteady pyramid of cans, and it collapsed. They had to identify them by their dental records. Cream of Mushroom Soup, two for one sale. That's a very heavy soup.
NC: (stunned) How the hell am I supposed to react to that, movie?! No, seriously. Pick one! (Three captions are shown, saying "Awkwardly Sad", "Awkwardly Funny" and "Awkwardly Awkward")
Mrs. Little: Stuart's parents came and took him away three days ago.
Mrs. Keeper: Stuart's parents died in a tragic Cream Mushroom Soup incident years ago. I just told you.
NC: (facepalmed, annoyed) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Even in Stuart Little, STUART FRIGGIN' LITTLE...there STILL has to be a Shyamalan twist! I don't get it! You weren't even a thing yet!
NC (vo): Why stop there? How about Stuart is actually dead, the Littles are actually superheroes, and the trees... (A poster of The Happening is shown) ...what the hell's the Happening again? I don't know! Just tell a fairy tale, you weirdo! (The poster for Lady in the Water is shown) A GOOD FAIRY TALE!!
(Thinking Stuart has been kidnapped, the Littles call the police. Two detectives, Allen and Sherman, arrive at the Little house. Sherman is shown to be played by Jim Doughan)
NC: (as Lt. Kellaway from The Mask) Doyle?!
(Back at the alley, a frightened Snowbell tells Monty and Smokey about the Littles' discovery, revealing that they were the ones who convinced the Stouts to pose as Stuart's parents to get Stuart to leave the house)
NC (vo): The police arrive, as it's revealed it's Snowbell and the other cats who set this up.
Smokey: We scratch him out.
Snowbell: But, Smokey, the police are involved. I don't want to get kicked out of my house!
NC: (uneasy and confused) So...would he go to jail?
NC (vo): If mice can be adopted, can felines do time? He'd already fit in if he started working on Prisoners of Love. (An image of a prison scene from The Producers (2005) is shown, with Max's head being Photoshopped by Snowbell's head)
Smokey: It's settled. (Gives a menacing look) Stuart Little gets scratched tonight.
NC: (surprised at Smokey's face) Okay. All right. I'll give you credit, Stuart Little. You made that adorable cat terrifying.
(A scene from Batman (1989), showing Batman interrogating a thug, is shown)
NC (vo): If I was a thug in Batman, I'd actually be more afraid of this than Michael Keaton.
(The scene plays out with Smokey's menacing look being shown when Batman speaks)
Thug: Don't kill me! Don't kill me, man!
Batman: I'm not going to kill you. I want you to tell all your friends about me.
Thug: What are you?!
Batman: I'm Batman.
(Mr. and Mrs. Little speak with Detective Allen, played by Jon Polito, at the police station)
Mr. Little: What are our chances of seeing Stuart again?
Detective Allen: You want it straight?
Mr. Little: No.
Mrs. Little: Absolutely not.
Allen: Stuart's probably home right now, waiting for you.
NC: (smiles) Again, a legit funny scene. I wish I could stuff them and put them on my mantle.
NC (vo): It gets a...little weirdly dark, though.
Allen: It's my guess these two sickos are on some kind of cross-country, mouse-killing spree. Phil, where is that book on the grisly photos? (Detective Sherman brings out a book and opens it) Oh, look at this one.
(He shows a page of photos to the Littles, who recoil in shock)
NC: (scared) Have fun knowing what happens in this universe, kids!
(The scene repeats, then we are immediately shown the logo of Hop, with an added caption)
NC (vo; as an announcer): Hop! Oh, wait. Wrong movie. Still, what...what're we doing here? Hop.
(Smokey orders the Stouts to hand Stuart over to them, but the Stouts, having grown to actually care for Stuart, reveal the whole truth to him)
NC (vo): Stuart's parents admit they're not his parents, and they were threatened to lie to him about being so, which makes Stuart happy, knowing he's still a Little.
Stuart: (overjoyed) I'm not a Stout, I'm a Little! I'm Stuart Little! (Raises his arms high to the sky) I'M STUART LITTLE!
NC: Not a 90s film unless this film was referenced somehow. (An image of Jack Dawson yelling "I'm the king of the world!" from Titanic is shown) Oh, wait a minute! (An image of the famous bullet time sequence from The Matrix is shown) Let's dodge bullets!
(After saying goodbye to the Stouts, Stuart begins his journey back home in his car. He drives towards Central Park, in a shot that is shown for around 23 seconds)
NC (vo): Stuart drives back home via an unusually long shot of Central Park...
NC: (as footage of the opening credits is shown alongside the current scene) Clouds and blackness. The cinematography has GOT IT!
(At Central Park, Stuart is chased by Smokey and his gang of alley cats, but Stuart eventually escapes by diving into a sewer, though at the cost of losing his car. Stuart then makes it out of the sewer and arrives back home, just as the Littles have left the house to plaster missing posters about Stuart. The only one home is Snowbell, who speaks with Stuart)
NC (vo): ...but a ton of cats corner him. He rides his car into the sewer, though, and gets away. He makes it home and discovers Snowbell is the only one there.
Snowbell: Ever since you left, it's just movies, parties, roller skating. They were just so happy to get rid of you.
NC: Okay, seriously, at this point, wouldn't it make sense just to eat him?
(Snowbell tells a lie about how the Little family have enjoyed life without Stuart, showing Stuart a framed picture of him and the Little family with Stuart's head chopped up (actually used as a picture for the missing posters))
NC (vo): The family already thinks he's gone, Snowbell could just gobble him up and nobody would know. Dramatically, why go through another lie just to drag things out? Or did I...just answer my own question?
Snowbell: I tried to warn you, Stuart. I told you it wasn't gonna work out.
NC: (smiling) Oh, wait, sorry. Silly me. This is very relatable drama.
NC (vo): We've all been adopted, just to find our real parents, just to find they're fake parents, just to find our adopted parents again, just to find they hate us, just to find they don't hate us.
NC: (chuckles) Stop reading my journal!
(We are shown the family at Central Park putting out missing posters of Stuart, before heading back home, just as a crushed Stuart leaves home again)
NC (vo): Of course, his family is actually out putting up flyers, and they just miss each other. Even Snowbell's lies about the family hating him are so harsh, it kind of makes it hard to like him again. It's just so over-the-top, relentlessly mean.
(Cut back to the scene of Snowbell telling his lie to Stuart)
Snowbell: They did that right after you left.
Stuart: And George?
Snowbell: She gave it to him, and he tore it up. I'd give you the pieces, but Mr. Little set them on fire.
NC: (as Snowbell) Oh, and I just found out, your real parents? They're dead. And there is no God. But there is a Hell. And they're going to it. And so are you. You're gonna love me by the end!
(Later that night, Snowbell begins to realize his selfishness and becomes incredibly guilty for having driven Stuart away, but is suddenly met by Monty)
NC (vo): The other cats ask Snowbell to track him down...you know, it's not like we didn't just have a big chase scene with cats...and they locate him down at Central Park.
(A still-guilty Snowbell joins Smokey, Monty, and the other cats as they hunt for Stuart around the park)
Snowbell: Didn't your mothers warn you not to go into Central Park at night?
Smokey: My mother was the reason you didn't go into Central Park at night!
NC: You know, damn it, movie! Stop throwing in a good line every once in a while! I want to hate all of you!
(Snowbell finds Stuart first, and saves him from the other cats by carrying him to the top of a tree, confessing his lie to him and saying the Littles do love him)
NC (vo): Snowbell finds Stuart, though, and decides to protect him from the rest of the cats.
Snowbell: I'm doing this for the Littles, all right? I lied, okay?! I'm the one that hates you.
Stuart: (smiling) You do care! (Runs over and hugs Snowbell's leg)
NC: He...literally just said he hates you. (Pause) Does this...mean he's supposed to be redeemed now...? (The caption "Redeemed" appears with an image of a cat) Okay.
(Smokey, Monty and the other cats appear and discover Snowbell's change of heart)
Monty: Snow, what's he doing to your leg?
Smokey: What the hell's going on here?
NC: (shocked) Did they just give a cat a swear word?
Smokey: What the hell's going on here?
NC: (smiling) Well, that hilariously doesn't fit.
NC (vo): Oh, wait, I forgot. There's literally no other reason for this movie to be PG, and, you know, we gotta let the cool kids know that Stuart Little has an edge! Ooh, a cat says "hell"! Parental guidance is needed!
NC: Ah, shit, parental guidance was needed when writing this damn movie!
NC (vo): Stuart, for...what? The 12th time?...gives a speech about what being a family is all about.
Stuart: (to the cats) Sure, you'll probably scratch him up pretty bad. You'll tear him to shreds, you may even kill him. But Snowbell will not run away. Right? Snow?
(When Stuart looks toward Snowbell, an added shot of a bush is shown instead, giving the illusion that Snowbell has run away)
NC: That's what should have been there, but instead, we just get Snowbell looking afraid.
NC (vo): Oh, what? Would that have been too much? Would it have warranted a PG-13?
(Smokey orders the cats to kill both Stuart and Snowbell. Stuart tries to escape using Snowbell's collar as a zip line on a tree branch, but eventually is left hanging on a tree branch below Monty and the other cats. Just as they're about to grab him, Snowbell comes and starts to break the branch Monty and the cats are on)
NC (vo): They get separated for a bit, but Snowbell catches them on a loose branch and starts lowering them into the water.
Snowbell: (slowly breaking the branch) I'm sure you'll land...on...your...feet!
Monty: (overlapping, scared) Wait! Snow! What are you doing?!
NC: Oh, if only they had cat reflexes to jump off. Pity they're dogs.
(Snowbell breaks the branch, causing Monty and the cats to fall screaming into the river below. From behind, Smokey sneaks up on Snowbell)
NC (vo): But there's one cat left.
(Smokey is about to kill Snowbell, until he hears Stuart's voice)
Stuart: Hey, Smokey!
(Smokey turns around to see Stuart behind him, holding a branch. Stuart releases the branch, hitting Smokey in the face and causing him to fall screaming into the river as well)
NC: Maybe it's because I'm a cat owner now, but I feel legit bad for these animals.
(Several scenes of Smokey, Monty, and the other cats' defeats are shown again)
NC (vo): How many times did they have to smack him in the face or drop him in the water because the director of The Haunted Mansion said the film wouldn't be complete without it?
NC: This guy killed Simba's dad, kitties! (An image of the famous sad scene from The Lion King is shown) You don't want to work with him!
(Stuart and Snowbell return home and they share a warm reunion with the Little family)
NC (vo): Snowbell brings Stuart home, and the Littles are united.
Stuart: That this is how people look...
George: At the end of a fairy tale.
NC: Not the end of an E.B. White book, but a fairy tale? Sure.
(Footage of the film plays once more as NC states his final thought)
NC (vo): And that was Stuart Little. It’s bland, dated, and forgettable, but I suppose it is…inoffensive. I mean, yes, the book is strange and unique, and I would’ve liked it if the movie attempted to tell something strange and unique. But at the same time, I think most people going in know they’re not going to get what the original book was with this, and instead get some tired, but not really harmful, clichés. Some of them are even enjoyably bad, like the out-of-nowhere bully and the weird swearing cat. And I do give credit to an occasional funny line and some expressive animation from Stuart. But it truly is an “in one mouse ear, out the other” kind of boredom, trading in the strange bizarreness of the book for the safe coziness of the 90s. I can’t say there’s much to recommend in it, but I can’t say there’s much you should avoid at all cost either. Not offensive, but not imaginative either. Hopefully, you can figure out if this is the right 90s cheese for your inner mouse.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and, by God. I had to balance out all of this cutesy blandness with something tougher and awesome! (Points to something, but soon loses steam) Oh, look! A segue into...next...week's...review...we're doing Toonami.
(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, before rolling the credits)