Continued from Street Fighter review; Mortal Kombat title sequence
Theme Song: MORTAL KOMBAT!
NC (voiceover): That same year, Mortal Kombat came out, and you'd think we would've learned our lesson with Street Fighter, but the fact is, the advertising for this movie was actually pretty good. It looked just like the game, the special effects were pretty cool, and it had that techno beat you just couldn't get out of your head. We went into Street Fighter knowing it was gonna be bad, but for Mortal Kombat, we were suckered in.
NC: So what's the main problem with this film? Four more syllables: PG-Thir-teen.
Footage of the game
NC (voiceover): The game was one of the most violent bloodbaths that ever hit the arcade, and we all knew there was no way they could fit all that gore into a PG-13 movie. Which is a shame, cause there's a few characters here that could use a good decapitation.
Johnny Cage: Where do you get these guys?
NC (voiceover): The story centers around 3 people--Johnny Cage, who makes his living as a pretentious actor, Sonya, who makes her living as a pouty FBI agent, and Liu Kang, who makes his living as a...um...Asian. Accompanying them is a mystical something-or-other named Raiden, played by Christopher Lambert, who sounds a little bit like Peter Lorre after drinking a million sandpaper martinis.
Raiden: The Great Tournament was too much responsibility.
NC: (mimicking Raiden) Responsibility.
NC (voiceover): They're summoned to do battle in a supernatural tournament known as Mortal Kombat. Spelled with a K, not a C.
NC: Because it's more threatening?
NC (voiceover): All of them entered the tournament for different reasons. Sonya, because she's after a killer named Kano, Johnny Cage because he thinks it'll help his career, and Liu Kang because he's...um...Asian. All these characters are pretty annoying, but it's Johnny Cage's one liners that REALLY make you wanna kill yourself.
Liu Kang: You want me to carry your luggage?
Johnny Cage: I pay money, you carry the bags.
Liu tosses the luggage into the water
Johnny Cage: Thank God I didn't ask him to park the car.
NC (voiceover): The tournament is run by the soul-sucking sociopath Shang Tsung. And of course his goal is to, that's right, take over the world.
M. Bison: OF COURSE!
Sonya: Where the hell are we?
Johnny Cage: Do I look like your travel agent?
NC (voiceover): We find out later that Kano is actually working for Shang Tsung, in order to defeat Sonya at the tournament. Like most of the characters in the the movie, this guy COULD have been really cool. But unfortunately...he talks.
Kano: You know, one-on-one, man-to-man, hand-to-hand.
NC: Oh come on, I JUST got done watching Van Damme, don't make me sit through another annoying accent!
Kano: Almost lost my lunch.
NC: I know the feeling.
NC (voiceover): He's also accompanied by fighters Sub-Zero, who gives new meaning to the term cold shoulder, and Scorpion, whose hand looks like a vagina being penetrated.
NC: WELL IT DOES!
Goro: You disgust me.
NC (voiceover): All these characters are pretty cool, but maybe that's because they don't talk throughout the entire movie. For all we know, they could have Jamaican accents or something.
Footage of the characters, overdubbed with Sanka from Cool Runnings
Sanka: A big hot bag of air, who doesn't bathe, and doesn't care!
NC (voiceover): Then there's also the creature known as Goro, who's also serving Shang Tsung.
NC: And let me tell ya, you can REALLY tell he's been working on his forearms (meant as a pun on "four arms")
NC: Oh what, what, what?
NC (voiceover): He's said to be an alien prince, but I don't know. I think he looks an AWFUL lot like the human Prince to me.
Shot of Goro and Prince's faces next to each other
NC (voiceover): He's a pretty decent effect, even though his lip movements are about as accurate as a sock puppet's.
Goro: (lips not synching up) This puny mortal will be no problem.
NC (voiceover): Oh wait a minute, Cage is about to do something funny!
Johnny falls off a boat, holding his luggage, into the water; wah-wah machine
NC (voiceover): So Sonya defeats Kano, Liu Kang defeats...this guy, Raiden croaks up some more advice, and Johnny Cage EVEN manages to kill off Goro, which is an act of kindness after listening to his stupid one-liners.
Johnny Cage: This is where you fall down.
Goro falls; wah-wah machine
NC (voiceover): We also find out why Scorpion and Sub-Zero don't talk. Scorpion, it turns out, is a fire-breathing skeleton--it happens--and Sub-Zero is too busy drawing energy from his CROTCH to defeat his enemies. Hey, if you had cold balls of fury like that, you wouldn't be talkin' much either.
NC (voiceover): After that, the film follows a PRETTY standard format. Someone fights, Raiden talks, someone fights, Raiden talks, someone fights, Raiden talks. So what exactly does he talk about?
NC: Well I hope it's not somethin' cliché like "You must first face your fears in order to conquer them."
Raiden: You must first face your fears...if you are to conquer them.
NC: Fuck me, this is a dumb movie.
Johnny Cage: Go and do a little tournament he said...good for the career he said...
Wah-wah machine, but NC is clearly getting fed up
NC (voiceover): Later we find that Shang Tsung kidnaps Sonya and forces her to fight him instead of Liu Kang.
NC: Well wait a minute, what happened to the brave and powerful Sonya? One second she's this fearsome warrior and then you put her arm behind her back it's-
NC (voiceover): (mimicking Sonya) Oh save me, save me, he's too strong!
NC: It's okay, you know, you'll get out of it...
Sonya: LET ME GOOOO!
NC: Alright, calm down, you'll think of something.
NC: Okay, chill!!!! I mean, Jesus, you're an FBI Agent, it's your job to get out of situations like this!
NC (voiceover): Maybe I should tell her she's NOT gonna be in Mortal Kombat 2, that'll cheer her up.
Sonya: Get over yourself.
NC (voiceover): Looking for guidance, our two heroes turn to Raiden for some helpful advice.
Raiden: I have nothing further to teach you.
NC: Oh NOW you shut the fuck up. The one time we actually NEED your advice, and you have none to give, what kind of Highlander are you anyway?
NC (voiceover): The least you could do is tell us where he's taking her.
Raiden: The Emperor's castle.
NC (voiceover): The Emperor's asshole?!
Johnny Cage: NOOOOOOOO!
NC (voiceover): Actually, he was referring to the mystical realms of Outworld. And no, that is not another name for San Francisco. This horrible dimension has the incredible terror of knocked-over statues, um...knocked-over statues and...some more knocked-over statues. Oh, and a creature known as Reptile who's kinda like a cross between Finding Nemo and Satan's ass.
Reptile possesses a body and rises up
NC: Ooh! I hope this leads to another pointless action sequence!
Pointless action sequence begins
NC (voiceover): IT DOES! I love meaningless violence with no rhyme or reason, it reminds me of just how boring the human imagination really is.
NC (voiceover): After we see Sonya dressed up in a skimpier costume--
NC: Which is questionable but not problematic!
NC (voiceover): --Shang Tsung enters with a bunch of hooded servants. And we ALL know how this works. Alright, the good guys are gonna be in the robes, they keep their head down so you can't see them, yeah well okay, the evil speech, we all know the good guys are gonna pop up any minute, can we please just move this along a little bit, how long do we have to wait here, yes I know you're very evil and everything, come on, can they just pop out anytime, and CAN YOU JUST HURRY UP AND SEND IN THE CLOWNS?!
Johnny Cage: They're already here.
NC: HOORAY! Let's celebrate with more fighting.
NC: And how 'bout another stupid Johnny Cage line?
Johnny Cage: Nice dress.
Wah-wah machine, but NC hurts himself
NC: Ah, ow, okay, seriously, no more Johnny Cage jokes, I just can't shrug anymore!
NC (voiceover): So Liu Kang defeats Shang Tsung, saves Sonya, sets free all the little Casper ghosts and they all live happily ever after.
NC: OR DO THEY?!
Shao Khan (disembodied): Bow to me!
Liu Kang: What is it?
Raiden: The Emperor.
Shao Khan: You weak, pathetic fools! I have come for your souls!
Raiden: I don't think so.
NC (voiceover): Well...I do. When the credits come up, it means it's time to leave the theater and never look back on this horrible film as long as you live.
NC: Now granted, Mortal Kombat isn't QUITE as bad as Street Fighter. But that's kinda like saying being stabbed in the stomach isn't quite as bad as testicular torture.
NC (voiceover): Bottom line? These movies suck. The games are great, but these movies suck. They're terrihorrible...they're horriterrible... If I had a choice of seeing these movies again, and crawling across a street of broken glass on my belly, with my fly open, only to be greeted by a pack of rabid wolverines, who not only want to eat me, but also rape me...I'd probably see the movies again. But it's close! Very very close, like a gnat's wing. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.
Drinks from skull and fires gun again
|The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts
||Transformers · Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue · Cloverfield Trailer Review · Power Rangers: A Look Back · Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Book Launch · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movies · The Top 11 Scariest Nostalgic Moments · Super Mario Bros.: The Movie · Cloverfield Review · Street Fighter · Mortal Kombat · Space Jam · The Nerd Rant · The Nerd Rant Part 2 · Pokémon The First Movie · The Nerd Wizard Rant · The Wizard · The Top 11 Naughtiest Moments in Animaniacs · Batman & Robin · The Top 11 Catchiest Theme Songs · '90s Sports Montage · The Nerd Response…Response · The Top 11 Drug PSAs · The Battle of Epic Proportions · Captain Planet · Double Dare · 3 Ninjas · Top 11 Hottest Animated Women · Video Game Review · The Search for the Nostalgia Chick · He-Man and the Masters of the Universe · Follow That Bird · Saved By the Bell · Tom and Jerry: The Movie · Top 11 Saddest Moments · Nostalgia Chick Winner · Surf Ninjas · NC vs The Nerd Showdown · Top 11 Nostalgic Animated Shows · Kazaam · The Nerd vs. NC: The Final Battle · Off to Beat the Nerd · Drew Struzan Tribute · Halloween '08 Special · Double Dragon · Top 11 Underrated Nostalgic Classics · Howard the Duck · Mortal Kombat: Annihilation · Godzilla · Top 11 Disney Villains · The Super Mario Bros. Super Show · Top 12 Greatest Christmas Specials · Jingle All the Way
||Nicktoons · Nickcoms · SNICK · Good Burger · The Making of the Final Battle · Ferngully: The Last Rain Forest · A Kid in King Arthur's Court · The Good Son · The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog · Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks · Twister · Garbage Pail Kids · Rock-A-Doodle · Titanic - The Legend Goes On · The Pagemaster · The NeverEnding Story · Moonwalker · Top 11 Dumbest Superman Moments · TMNT · Red Sonja · TGWTG Team Brawl · Short Circuit 1 & 2 · Batman vs. The Dark Knight · Full House · North · Critic and Nerd: TMNT Making of Coming Out of Their Shells · Sidekicks · Gargoyles · Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen · Steel · Top 11 Cereal Mascots · Barb Wire · New vs Old - LOTR Animated vs Lord of the Rings · Last Action Hero · Captain N · We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story · Warriors of Virtue · Captain America · Top 11 F*ckups · Alone in the Dark · Blank Check · Old vs. New: Willy Wonka · Cool as Ice · Suburban Commando · Next Karate Kid · Casper · Superman IV · Congo · Siskel and Ebert Tribute · Judge Dredd · Tank Girl · Jack Frost · He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special · Next Best Christmas Specials · Star Wars Holiday Special · Ernest Saves Christmas
||Commando · Junior · Conan and Conan the Destroyer · End of Days · Battlefield Earth · Bebe's Kids · Lost in Space · Top 11 Villain Songs · Quest for Camelot · Old vs. New: Nutty Professor · Bio-Dome · NeverEnding Story II · Top 11 Most Awkward Christopher Walken Moments · Flubber · Home Alone 3 · Old vs. New: King Kong · Drop Dead Fred · The Care Bears Movie · Kickassia: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 · Jaws 3 · Free Willy · A Troll in Central Park · Theodore Rex · Top 11 Coolest Cliches · Hook · Independence Day · The Room · The Phantom · Zeus and Roxanne · Animaniacs Tribute · Flintstones Movie · Mr. Nanny · Rocky IV · Chairman of the Board · Next Top 11 NC Fuckups · Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw · Pebble and the Penguin · Ernest Scared Stupid · Top 11 Scariest Performances · IT · Leprechaun · My Pet Monster · Commercial Special · Old vs. New: 10 Commandments vs. Prince of Egypt · The Thief and the Cobbler · Waterworld · Little Monsters · Rover Dangerfield · You're a Rotten Dirty Bastard · The First Couple: TMNT
||NeverEnding Story III · Ferngully 2 · Secret of NIMH 2 · Care Bears 2 · Dungeons and Dragons · Top 11 Dumbest Spider-Man Moments · The Lost World: Jurassic Park · Return of the Nostalgic Commercials · Inspector Gadget · Old vs. New: The Karate Kid · The Langoliers · Airborne · Baby Geniuses · Raiders of the Story Arc: X-Men · The Magic Voyage · Double Team · Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress · Jaws: The Revenge · Gordy · The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie · Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials · Once Upon a Forest · Little Nemo · Old vs. New: True Grit · Suburban Knights: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7 · Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon · Milk Money · Rad · Raiders of the Story Arc: Duck Tales · Care Bears in Wonderland · Cop and a Half · Top 11 Batman TAS Episodes · Alaska · Let's Play Bart's Nightmare · James and the Giant Peach · The Avengers · Simon Sez · The Tommyknockers · The Haunting · Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows · Exorcist 2 · Doug's 1st Movie · The Cell · Raiders of the Story Arc: Superman · Felix the Cat · Moulin Rouge · Babes in Toyland · How the Grinch Stole Christmas · Child's Play
||Santa Claus: The Movie · Star Trek: The Motion Picture · Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock · Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier · Star Trek 7: Generations · Star Trek 9: Insurrection · Patch Adams · Ponyo · Dunston Checks In · Thomas and the Magic Railroad · Top 11 Nostalgia Critic F*** Ups Part 3 · Richie Rich · Jungle 2 Jungle · Old vs. New: Manhunter vs. Red Dragon · Star Chaser · Transformers Cartoon · A Simple Wish · Alien Resurrection · Jack · Heavy Metal · Mr. Magoo · Top 11 Simpsons Episodes · Signs · Digimon: The Movie · Top 11 F*** YEAH Movie Themes · Baby Geniuses 2 · Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom · The Wiz · Total Recall (with Sci-Fi Guy) · Scooby-Doo · To Boldly Flee: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8 · NC's Top 11 Favorite Jokes · The WORST Movies Nostalgia Critic's Reviewed
||The Review Must Go On · The Odd Life of Timothy Green · Pearl Harbor · Son of the Mask · The King and I · Catwoman · The Cat in the Hat · Top 11 South Park Episodes · Jurassic Park · A.I. Artificial Intelligence · The Master of Disguise · Turbo - A Power Rangers Movie · Top 11 Dumbest Lord of the Rings Moments · Sailor Moon · Les Miserables · Top 11 Adult Jokes We Never Got as Kids · The Last Airbender · Bridge to Terabithia · The Shining Mini-Series · Sharknado · Devil · Dawn of the Commercials · Man of Steel · Top 12 Santa Clauses · Eight Crazy Nights · The Christmas Tree
||Face/Off · The Wicker Man · Ghost Rider · Top 11 Strangest Best Couples · Ghost Dad · Disney's Alice in Wonderland · Top 11 Moments You Never Noticed in Ghostbusters · Disney Afternoon · Foodfight · Swan Princess · The Lorax · Old vs. New: Spider-Man · Blues Brothers 2000 · Jurassic Park 3 · After Earth · Bloodrayne · The Purge · Top 11 Trailers · Small Soldiers · The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement · Ghost Rider 2 · Top 11 Worst Avatar Episodes · Top 11 Best Avatars (with Dante Basco) · Maximum Overdrive · Top 11 New Halloween Classics · Monster Squad · Rise of the Commercials · Forest Warrior · Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (NC) · Christmas Story 2 · Care Bears Nutcracker
||The Matrix · The Animatrix · The Matrix Reloaded · The Matrix Revolutions · AVGN Movie · Mamma Mia! · The Haunted Mansion · Daredevil · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) · Demolition Man · Top 11 Animaniacs Episodes · Legend of Zorro · The Ewoks Cartoon - Was That Real? · Fantastic Four · Cowboys of Moo Mesa - Was That Real? · Sharkboy and Lavagirl · Small Wonder - Was That Real? · Jupiter Ascending · Jurassic World · Top 11 TV Show Intros · Planet of the Apes · Osmosis Jones · Garfield: The Movie · Pixels · The Smurfs · Hammerman - Was That Real? · Mad Max: Fury Road · Event Horizon · Children of the Corn · Hocus Pocus · Conquest of the Commercials · Dragon's Lair · We Wish You a Turtle Christmas · Christmas with the Kranks · Star Wars: The Force Awakens (NC)
||The Happening · Top 11 Funniest Shyamalan Moments · Lady in the Water · Labyrinth · Spawn · Cats & Dogs · The Phantom of the Opera · The Adventures of Pluto Nash · Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain - Was That Real? · Batman v Superman · Blade · Old vs. New: Cinderella · Spy Kids 3D: Game Over · Jem and the Holograms (2015) · The Grinch vs. The Cat in the Hat - Was That Real? · Scooby-Doo 2 · Alvin and the Chipmunks · Ghostbusters (2016) · Teddy Ruxpin Live Action Series - Was That Real? · Wild Wild West · The 3rd Animated Titanic Movie (Tentacolino) · The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle · Stephen King's Dreamcatcher · Freddy vs. Jason · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows · Battle of the Commercials · Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas · Top 12 Christmas Commercials · I'll Be Home For Christmas · Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
||Top 11 Best Movie Sequels · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel · Top 11 Worst Movie Sequels · The Smurfs 2 · Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties · Cool World · Old vs. New: Evil Dead · Top 11 WTF Alternate Endings · Balto · Fant4stic · Clockstoppers · The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas · Suicide Squad Trailer · Suicide Squad · Alien vs. Predator · Transformers: The Last Knight NON-Review · Wonder Woman · Norm of the North · Hulk (2003) · Monkeybone · The Sorcerer's Apprentice · Eragon · Kangaroo Jack · Green Lantern · It (2017) · The Mummy · The Mummy (2017) · Dragonball Evolution · War of the Commercials · Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa · Home Alone 2: Lost in New York · Star Wars: The Last Jedi
||Lara Croft: Tomb Raider · Top 11 Good Adam Sandler Movies · Yogi Bear · Batman Forever · Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked · Alice Through the Looking Glass · Beauty and the Beast (2017) · Jack and Jill · Starship Troopers · Scooby-Doo: The Mystery Begins · The Spirit · Deadpool 2 · The Angry Birds Movie · Fox Kids · The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen · Mission: Impossible 2 · Doom · Ghostbusters 2 · Freddy Got Fingered · Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer · Sleepwalkers · Van Helsing · Rubber (2010) · Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom · Escape from the Commercials · A Christmas Story Live · The Nutcracker (2010)
||Max Payne · Robocop (2014) · The Black Cauldron (NC) · Top 11 Funniest Siskel and Ebert Reviews · The Country Bears · X-Men: The Animated Series · X-Men · X-Men: The Last Stand · Best F(r)iends · Hop · Toonami · Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within · Mary Poppins Returns · Alien 3 · Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief · Kim Possible · Blade II · That Darn Cat · Underworld · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip · The Wall · Hannibal · It: Chapter Two · Venom · Justice League · Planet of the Commercials · The Grinch (2018) · The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
||Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker · Beverly Hills Chihuahua · Con Air · Supergirl · Spider-Man · Spider-Man 3 · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Dolittle · Independence Day: Resurgence · Critters · Avatar (2009) · Superman Returns · Elektra · Alita: Battle Angel · Battleship · The Lion King (2019) · The Animated Lord of the Rings · The Bill & Ted Movies · Playing with Fire · Pokémon Detective Pikachu · X-Men: Apocalypse · The Stand · Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark · Curse of the Commercials · Sucker Punch · The Muppet Christmas Carol · Batman Returns · Home Alone 4
||Shark Tale · The Mummy Returns · Batman vs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles · Strange Magic
||Turkish Rambo · Video Game Review 2: Blues Brothers (SNES) · Reefer Madness · Doomsday Machine · NC - Kickassia · NC - Suburban Knights · NC - To Boldly Flee · NC - Live Review of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 · Paranoia · Cup of Idiocy (Doug's Old Home Movies) · Night of the Living Dead · The Cinema Snob Movie · The Review Must Go On Review
||NostalgiaWeen · Christmas · Annual Theme Month