Continued from Street Fighter review; Mortal Kombat title sequence Theme Song: MORTAL KOMBAT!
NC (voiceover): That same year, Mortal Kombat came out, and you'd think we would've learned our lesson with Street Fighter, but the fact is, the advertising for this movie was actually pretty good. It looked just like the game, the special effects were pretty cool, and it had that techno beat you just couldn't get out of your head. We went into Street Fighter knowing it was gonna be bad, but for Mortal Kombat, we were suckered in.
NC: So what's the main problem with this film? Four more syllables: PG-Thir-teen.
Footage of the game NC (voiceover): The game was one of the most violent bloodbaths that ever hit the arcade, and we all knew there was no way they could fit all that gore into a PG-13 movie. Which is a shame, cause there's a few characters here that could use a good decapitation.
Johnny Cage: Where do you get these guys?
NC (voiceover): The story centers around 3 people--Johnny Cage, who makes his living as a pretentious actor, Sonya, who makes her living as a pouty FBI agent, and Liu Kang, who makes his living as a...um...Asian. Accompanying them is a mystical something-or-other named Raiden, played by Christopher Lambert, who sounds a little bit like Peter Lorre after drinking a million sandpaper martinis.
Raiden: The Great Tournament was too much responsibility.
NC: (mimicking Raiden) Responsibility.
NC (voiceover): They're summoned to do battle in a supernatural tournament known as Mortal Kombat. Spelled with a K, not a C.
NC: Because it's more threatening?
NC (voiceover): All of them entered the tournament for different reasons. Sonya, because she's after a killer named Kano, Johnny Cage because he thinks it'll help his career, and Liu Kang because he's...um...Asian. All these characters are pretty annoying, but it's Johnny Cage's one liners that REALLY make you wanna kill yourself.
Liu Kang: You want me to carry your luggage?
Johnny Cage: I pay money, you carry the bags.
Liu tosses the luggage into the water Johnny Cage: Thank God I didn't ask him to park the car. Wah-wah machine
NC (voiceover): The tournament is run by the soul-sucking sociopath Shang Tsung. And of course his goal is to, that's right, take over the world.
M. Bison: OF COURSE!
Sonya: Where the hell are we?
Johnny Cage: Do I look like your travel agent? Wah-wah machine
NC (voiceover): We find out later that Kano is actually working for Shang Tsung, in order to defeat Sonya at the tournament. Like most of the characters in the the movie, this guy COULD have been really cool. But unfortunately...he talks.
Kano: You know, one-on-one, man-to-man, hand-to-hand.
NC: Oh come on, I JUST got done watching Van Damme, don't make me sit through another annoying accent!
Kano: Almost lost my lunch.
NC: I know the feeling.
NC (voiceover): He's also accompanied by fighters Sub-Zero, who gives new meaning to the term cold shoulder, and Scorpion, whose hand looks like a vagina being penetrated. Audience "oohs" NC: WELL IT DOES!
Goro: You disgust me.
NC (voiceover): All these characters are pretty cool, but maybe that's because they don't talk throughout the entire movie. For all we know, they could have Jamaican accents or something.
Footage of the characters, overdubbed with Sanka from Cool Runnings Sanka: A big hot bag of air, who doesn't bathe, and doesn't care!
NC (voiceover): Then there's also the creature known as Goro, who's also serving Shang Tsung.
NC: And let me tell ya, you can REALLY tell he's been working on his forearms (meant as a pun on "four arms") Audience boos NC: Oh what, what, what?
NC (voiceover): He's said to be an alien prince, but I don't know. I think he looks an AWFUL lot like the human Prince to me. Shot of Goro and Prince's faces next to each other
NC (voiceover): He's a pretty decent effect, even though his lip movements are about as accurate as a sock puppet's.
Goro: (lips not synching up) This puny mortal will be no problem.
NC (voiceover): Oh wait a minute, Cage is about to do something funny! Johnny falls off a boat, holding his luggage, into the water; wah-wah machine NC (voiceover): So Sonya defeats Kano, Liu Kang defeats...this guy, Raiden croaks up some more advice, and Johnny Cage EVEN manages to kill off Goro, which is an act of kindness after listening to his stupid one-liners.
Johnny Cage: This is where you fall down. Goro falls; wah-wah machine
NC (voiceover): We also find out why Scorpion and Sub-Zero don't talk. Scorpion, it turns out, is a fire-breathing skeleton--it happens--and Sub-Zero is too busy drawing energy from his CROTCH to defeat his enemies. Hey, if you had cold balls of fury like that, you wouldn't be talkin' much either.
NC (voiceover): After that, the film follows a PRETTY standard format. Someone fights, Raiden talks, someone fights, Raiden talks, someone fights, Raiden talks. So what exactly does he talk about?
NC: Well I hope it's not somethin' cliché like "You must first face your fears in order to conquer them."
Raiden: You must first face your fears...if you are to conquer them.
NC: Fuck me, this is a dumb movie.
Johnny Cage: Go and do a little tournament he said...good for the career he said... Wah-wah machine, but NC is clearly getting fed up
NC (voiceover): Later we find that Shang Tsung kidnaps Sonya and forces her to fight him instead of Liu Kang.
NC: Well wait a minute, what happened to the brave and powerful Sonya? One second she's this fearsome warrior and then you put her arm behind her back it's-
NC (voiceover): (mimicking Sonya) Oh save me, save me, he's too strong!
NC: It's okay, you know, you'll get out of it...
Sonya: LET ME GOOOO!
NC: Alright, calm down, you'll think of something.
NC: Okay, chill!!!! I mean, Jesus, you're an FBI Agent, it's your job to get out of situations like this!
NC (voiceover): Maybe I should tell her she's NOT gonna be in Mortal Kombat 2, that'll cheer her up.
Sonya: Get over yourself.
NC (voiceover): Looking for guidance, our two heroes turn to Raiden for some helpful advice.
Raiden: I have nothing further to teach you.
NC: Oh NOW you shut the fuck up. The one time we actually NEED your advice, and you have none to give, what kind of Highlander are you anyway?
NC (voiceover): The least you could do is tell us where he's taking her.
Raiden: The Emperor's castle.
NC (voiceover): The Emperor's asshole?!
Johnny Cage: NOOOOOOOO!
NC (voiceover): Actually, he was referring to the mystical realms of Outworld. And no, that is not another name for San Francisco. This horrible dimension has the incredible terror of knocked-over statues, um...knocked-over statues and...some more knocked-over statues. Oh, and a creature known as Reptile who's kinda like a cross between Finding Nemo and Satan's ass.
Reptile possesses a body and rises up NC: Ooh! I hope this leads to another pointless action sequence!
Pointless action sequence begins NC (voiceover): IT DOES! I love meaningless violence with no rhyme or reason, it reminds me of just how boring the human imagination really is.
NC (voiceover): After we see Sonya dressed up in a skimpier costume--
NC: Which is questionable but not problematic!
NC (voiceover): --Shang Tsung enters with a bunch of hooded servants. And we ALL know how this works. Alright, the good guys are gonna be in the robes, they keep their head down so you can't see them, yeah well okay, the evil speech, we all know the good guys are gonna pop up any minute, can we please just move this along a little bit, how long do we have to wait here, yes I know you're very evil and everything, come on, can they just pop out anytime, and CAN YOU JUST HURRY UP AND SEND IN THE CLOWNS?!
Johnny Cage: They're already here.
NC: HOORAY! Let's celebrate with more fighting. Fight scenes NC: And how 'bout another stupid Johnny Cage line?
Johnny Cage: Nice dress. Wah-wah machine, but NC hurts himself
NC: Ah, ow, okay, seriously, no more Johnny Cage jokes, I just can't shrug anymore!
NC (voiceover): So Liu Kang defeats Shang Tsung, saves Sonya, sets free all the little Casper ghosts and they all live happily ever after.
NC: OR DO THEY?!
Shao Khan (disembodied): Bow to me!
Liu Kang: What is it?
Raiden: The Emperor.
Shao Khan: You weak, pathetic fools! I have come for your souls!
Raiden: I don't think so.
NC (voiceover): Well...I do. When the credits come up, it means it's time to leave the theater and never look back on this horrible film as long as you live.
NC: Now granted, Mortal Kombat isn't QUITE as bad as Street Fighter. But that's kinda like saying being stabbed in the stomach isn't quite as bad as testicular torture.
NC (voiceover): Bottom line? These movies suck. The games are great, but these movies suck. They're terrihorrible...they're horriterrible... If I had a choice of seeing these movies again, and crawling across a street of broken glass on my belly, with my fly open, only to be greeted by a pack of rabid wolverines, who not only want to eat me, but also rape me...I'd probably see the movies again. But it's close! Very very close, like a gnat's wing. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Drinks from skull and fires gun again