NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Well an overwhelming amount of viewers have made it clear that there are two films that put the "sin" in cinematic shit-mongering that I must address:
Footage of both films
NC (voiceover): Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat. And God can't tell you how much I don't wanna review these suckers. If someone gave me a choice between sitting through these movies again and being crucified, I'd say
NC: "Grab the nail gun, I hear there's a lumber sale at Home Depots*!"
NC (voiceover): Both of these movies are based on the best fighting games that ever hit the arcades: Street Fighter II for it's speed and gameplay, and Mortal Kombat for its violence and gore.
NC: But luckily all that violence and gore had absolutely NO disturbing effects on our DECENT childhoods.
NC begins drinking out of a skull and firing his gun in the air
NC: I'm sorry, I have to do that every 12 minutes.
NC (voiceover): Now both of these movies came out around the same time, so we got a double dose of disappointment that summer.
NC: But, to keep it simple, let's review the FIRST film that came out that year, Street Fighter. So what's the biggest problem with this piece of shit of a movie? Four syllables:
Footage of Van Damme in Street Fighter
NC (voiceover): Jean Claude Van Damme. Van Damme is like the poor man's Chuck Norris. The guy you get if you think Steven Segal is too classy for your movie. He knows martial arts, but he often forgets that you need a personality in order to be interesting.
Guile: Anytime, dickhead.
NC: The only bigger insult to having a bad actor in a bad film is having a GOOD actor in a bad film.
Footage of M. Bison
NC (voiceover): Enter Raul Julia as the villain, M. Bison. Raul Julia was one of the most charismatic actors who ever lived and was taken from us a million times too early. In fact, it was rumored he did this as his last film because it's something his children really wanted him to do.
NC: Well THANK YOU, you little brats. He lived long enough just to see the destruction of his entire career! Top notch!
Textual overlay relaying the following announcement
Announcer: Warning: This is clearly for satirical purposes. Raul Julia kicks ass and I'm sure his family kicks ass.
Guile: You've lost your balls.
NC: So what's the story, you're probably wondering.
NC (voiceover): Well ironically it involves absolutely no street fighting whatsoever. Van Damme plays a war hero named Guile who's out to stop the evil M. Bison from, you guessed it, taking over the world.
M. Bison: OF COURSE! **First appearance**
NC (voiceover): On top of his fearsome army, Bison also has hostages that he's holding ransom for 20 BILLION dollars. Guile, being the fearless leader, has this to say.
Guile flexes his arm
NC: (gasp) Can he do that on TV?
NC (voiceover): After that we get a bad action sequence. Followed by another bad action sequence. Followed by ANOTHER bad action sequence. Followed by...another bad action sequence. Followed by- oh hey look they're actually talking here! Okay, this is the scene where they discuss their strategy to- oh wait, no no, this is just another bad action sequence. Guile's accompanied by 3 other fighters: Chun-Li, Balrog and Honda. They represent some sort of journalistic...secret agent...fighting squad, who are also out to take on M. Bison. Now that's just violating non-partisan reporting. These three obviously have a very difficult task ahead of them. Not taking on M. Bison's fearsome army, but trying to figure out what the hell their fearless leader is saying.
Guile: (obscured by his accent) Call it a...wake up call.
NC: A way-kakaw? What's a way-kakaw?
Guile: If I am not topside in fifteen minutes--
Guile: I'll distract his defenses
Guile: If Sagat runs off to Bison-
NC (voiceover): Seriously, even the actors in the movie look at him like they don't know what he's saying.
Guile: Some moron just canned me
A man looks at him quizzically
NC: I hate to admit it, but I think I might actually be missing Schwarzenegger!
Guile: Get the hostages OUT!
NC: Get the hostages OUT!
NC (voiceover): Things start looking up when it appears that Guile has been shot and murdered in the middle of a violent shootout.
NC: Hey, alright, this movie's finally startin' to get good!
Guile rises off his morgue table
NC (voiceover): It turns out that Guile is still alive, and this death scene was just an attempt to fool the enemy, even though they spot him on a speedboat just a few moments later.
NC: Which makes this scene...
He raises his finger, and a chime indicates the appearance of the words "Entirely Pointless" on screen
NC: Entirely pointless.
NC (voiceover): By the way, I LOVE Guile's army fatigue, a blue camouflage. That'll really come in handy if they're ever fighting in the sky, or under water. The rest of the story is KINDA hard to keep track of, considering how there's so many damn characters.
NC: Most adaptations have the problem of leaving a character or two out. But not Street Fighter, no, they have the courtesy of giving us every single DAMN annoying character these games ever produced. Like:
Shots of each character
NC (voiceover): Guile, M. Bison, Chun Li, Honda, Sagat, Balrog, Ken, Ryu, Cammy, Zangief, Dee Jay, Vega, Dhalsim, T Hawk, Blanka, Sneezy, Dopey, Grumpy, Dancer, Prancer, Comet, Cupid, Cubby, Tommy, Pinky, Brain, John, Ringo
Gilligan's Island Theme Song: The Professor and Mary Anne!
NC: IT'S A NIGHTMARE! Everyone in the world is here! It's like A Street Fighter Christmas!
NC (voiceover): Okay, I'm gonna do you a favor and show you the only funny scene in this entire movie. It's when the villains are watching a TV screen showing a truck of explosives riding out of control, only to find that the truck is actually heading right towards them.
Zangief: QUICK! Change the channel!
NC (voiceover): Okay...that's kinda funny. But trust me, it's not worth it to watch painful scenes like this one where the most stereotypically smug British man tells Guile that they're giving in to M. Bison's demands.
British Guy: Deliver these orders to your troops, then consider yourself relieved of your command. I think we can deal with General Bison.
NC affects a bad British accent, and sips a teacup
NC: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to burn down an orphanage and puppy farm. Ahahahahahahaha.
NC (voiceover): Then Guile delivers a speech that even George W. (Bush) would find epically ridiculous.
Guile: Our superiors say the war is cancelled. We can all go home.
NC: Oh Good! I don't know how much more of this movie I could take.
Guile: Bison is getting paid off for his crimes. And our friends will have died here. But...we can all go home.
NC: Yes yes yes, very tragic-I got things to do so I'm just gonna-
Guile: Meanwhile, ideals like peace, freedom and justice...they get packed up. But...we can all go home.
NC: Well we WOULD, if you would stop yapping your trap.
Guile: Well...I'm not going home.
NC: No no, don't do this to me Van Damme! You said I could go home!
Guile: I'm gonna get on my boat and I'm going to KICK that son of a bitch Bison's ass.
NC: Heart of a poet.
Guile: Now who wants to go home-
NC raises his hand
Guile: And who wants to go with me?!
NC: NO NO NO!!!!
NC (voiceover): One subplot out of the BILLIONS going on here involves Guile's friend Blanka, who's transformed into a mix between the Hulk and one of those cavemen you see from the Geico commercials.
Guile: You're joking.
NC (voiceover): This is all done by a scientist named Dhalsim, who's just a DEAD RINGER for the Dhalsim in the video game.
Still shot showing that no, no he isn't
NC (voiceover): Can you tell the difference? I sure can't. Actually one of the strangest parts of the movie involves his appearance. The last time we see him, he looks like this.
Standard appearance of Movie Dhalsim
NC (voiceover): And then the next time we see him, he looks like this.
Something much closer to the game version
NC: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?
NC (voiceover): One minute he looks like a scientist, then the next he looks like the bald guy from 300 (Xerxes). And the movie NEVER tells us why!
NC: Did he just "bloom" into a yogi/Indian warrior? Is he on his way to Quiquai costume party? I mean it makes no sense!
M. Bison: Why?
NC (voiceover): So after an onslaught of bad lines and lame action sequences, we FINALLY get to the showdown between Guile and M. Bison. Granted, Bison's army is totally outnumbered and all they have to do is shoot him in order to end this stupid war, but nope! Guile wants to risk THOUSANDS of lives, so he can show off his cool hand-to-hand combat moves. A 30-year-old heavyweight takes on a 50-year-old dictator?
NC: Gee, I wonder who's gonna win!
Guile owns Bison
NC: What a shock!
NC (voiceover): At some point, Bison regenerates himself and is able to levitate throughout the room. So he flies up into the air and hits Guile straight on! And then, after that...he flies up into the air and hits Guile straight on. But then he has the brilliant strategy...of flying into the air and hitting Guile straight on. I think finally the TWELFTH time he does this, Guile gets an idea:
NC: Maybe he should, pfft, hit him!
Guile owns Bison again, this time sending him flying into a wall of TVs, causing an explosion
Guile: BISON! You're off the air.
NC: (sarcastic) Ahahahaha
NC (voiceover): I think probably the strangest scene--and trust me, that's saying a lot--comes at the very end where Guile tries to rescue Blanka and Dhalsim. Blanka says he can't face the world looking how he does, so Dhalsim decides to look after him in the comfort and safety OF A BURNING BUILDING!
NC: I mean what made them think that would be okay there? Guile even at one point says--
Guile: This whole place is gonna go up.
NC: Oh, it's a fixer-upper, but you can't beat that rent.
NC (voiceover): Gee, I wonder how the armies feel knowing that Guile's best friend and an innocent scientist were lost in that explosion.
The characters all strike a pose to celebrate
NC (voiceover): I guess they're taking it pretty well. Horrible movie, sucks ass, next film.
Title card saying "End of Part 1. Don't forget to see Part 2 at Youtube.com/TheNostalgiaCritic
|The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts
||Transformers · Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue · Cloverfield Trailer Review · Power Rangers: A Look Back · Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Book Launch · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movies · The Top 11 Scariest Nostalgic Moments · Super Mario Bros.: The Movie · Cloverfield Review · Street Fighter · Mortal Kombat · Space Jam · The Nerd Rant · The Nerd Rant Part 2 · Pokémon The First Movie · The Nerd Wizard Rant · The Wizard · The Top 11 Naughtiest Moments in Animaniacs · Batman & Robin · The Top 11 Catchiest Theme Songs · '90s Sports Montage · The Nerd Response…Response · The Top 11 Drug PSAs · The Battle of Epic Proportions · Captain Planet · Double Dare · 3 Ninjas · Top 11 Hottest Animated Women · Video Game Review · The Search for the Nostalgia Chick · He-Man and the Masters of the Universe · Follow That Bird · Saved By the Bell · Tom and Jerry: The Movie · Top 11 Saddest Moments · Nostalgia Chick Winner · Surf Ninjas · NC vs The Nerd Showdown · Top 11 Nostalgic Animated Shows · Kazaam · The Nerd vs. NC: The Final Battle · Off to Beat the Nerd · Drew Struzan Tribute · Halloween '08 Special · Double Dragon · Top 11 Underrated Nostalgic Classics · Howard the Duck · Mortal Kombat: Annihilation · Godzilla · Top 11 Disney Villains · The Super Mario Bros. Super Show · Top 12 Greatest Christmas Specials · Jingle All the Way
||Nicktoons · Nickcoms · SNICK · Good Burger · The Making of the Final Battle · Ferngully: The Last Rain Forest · A Kid in King Arthur's Court · The Good Son · The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog · Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks · Twister · Garbage Pail Kids · Rock-A-Doodle · Titanic - The Legend Goes On · The Pagemaster · The NeverEnding Story · Moonwalker · Top 11 Dumbest Superman Moments · TMNT · Red Sonja · TGWTG Team Brawl · Short Circuit 1 & 2 · Batman vs. The Dark Knight · Full House · North · Critic and Nerd: TMNT Making of Coming Out of Their Shells · Sidekicks · Gargoyles · Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen · Steel · Top 11 Cereal Mascots · Barb Wire · New vs Old - LOTR Animated vs Lord of the Rings · Last Action Hero · Captain N · We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story · Warriors of Virtue · Captain America · Top 11 F*ckups · Alone in the Dark · Blank Check · Old vs. New: Willy Wonka · Cool as Ice · Suburban Commando · Next Karate Kid · Casper · Superman IV · Congo · Siskel and Ebert Tribute · Judge Dredd · Tank Girl · Jack Frost · He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special · Next Best Christmas Specials · Star Wars Holiday Special · Ernest Saves Christmas
||Commando · Junior · Conan and Conan the Destroyer · End of Days · Battlefield Earth · Bebe's Kids · Lost in Space · Top 11 Villain Songs · Quest for Camelot · Old vs. New: Nutty Professor · Bio-Dome · NeverEnding Story II · Top 11 Most Awkward Christopher Walken Moments · Flubber · Home Alone 3 · Old vs. New: King Kong · Drop Dead Fred · The Care Bears Movie · Kickassia: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 · Jaws 3 · Free Willy · A Troll in Central Park · Theodore Rex · Top 11 Coolest Cliches · Hook · Independence Day · The Room · The Phantom · Zeus and Roxanne · Animaniacs Tribute · Flintstones Movie · Mr. Nanny · Rocky IV · Chairman of the Board · Next Top 11 NC Fuckups · Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw · Pebble and the Penguin · Ernest Scared Stupid · Top 11 Scariest Performances · IT · Leprechaun · My Pet Monster · Commercial Special · Old vs. New: 10 Commandments vs. Prince of Egypt · The Thief and the Cobbler · Waterworld · Little Monsters · Rover Dangerfield · You're a Rotten Dirty Bastard · The First Couple: TMNT
||NeverEnding Story III · Ferngully 2 · Secret of NIMH 2 · Care Bears 2 · Dungeons and Dragons · Top 11 Dumbest Spider-Man Moments · The Lost World: Jurassic Park · Return of the Nostalgic Commercials · Inspector Gadget · Old vs. New: The Karate Kid · The Langoliers · Airborne · Baby Geniuses · Raiders of the Story Arc: X-Men · The Magic Voyage · Double Team · Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress · Jaws: The Revenge · Gordy · The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie · Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials · Once Upon a Forest · Little Nemo · Old vs. New: True Grit · Suburban Knights: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7 · Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon · Milk Money · Rad · Raiders of the Story Arc: Duck Tales · Care Bears in Wonderland · Cop and a Half · Top 11 Batman TAS Episodes · Alaska · Let's Play Bart's Nightmare · James and the Giant Peach · The Avengers · Simon Sez · The Tommyknockers · The Haunting · Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows · Exorcist 2 · Doug's 1st Movie · The Cell · Raiders of the Story Arc: Superman · Felix the Cat · Moulin Rouge · Babes in Toyland · How the Grinch Stole Christmas · Child's Play
||Santa Claus: The Movie · Star Trek: The Motion Picture · Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock · Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier · Star Trek 7: Generations · Star Trek 9: Insurrection · Patch Adams · Ponyo · Dunston Checks In · Thomas and the Magic Railroad · Top 11 Nostalgia Critic F*** Ups Part 3 · Richie Rich · Jungle 2 Jungle · Old vs. New: Manhunter vs. Red Dragon · Star Chaser · Transformers Cartoon · A Simple Wish · Alien Resurrection · Jack · Heavy Metal · Mr. Magoo · Top 11 Simpsons Episodes · Signs · Digimon: The Movie · Top 11 F*** YEAH Movie Themes · Baby Geniuses 2 · Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom · The Wiz · Total Recall (with Sci-Fi Guy) · Scooby-Doo · To Boldly Flee: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8 · NC's Top 11 Favorite Jokes · The WORST Movies Nostalgia Critic's Reviewed
||The Review Must Go On · The Odd Life of Timothy Green · Pearl Harbor · Son of the Mask · The King and I · Catwoman · The Cat in the Hat · Top 11 South Park Episodes · Jurassic Park · A.I. Artificial Intelligence · The Master of Disguise · Turbo - A Power Rangers Movie · Top 11 Dumbest Lord of the Rings Moments · Sailor Moon · Les Miserables · Top 11 Adult Jokes We Never Got as Kids · The Last Airbender · Bridge to Terabithia · The Shining Mini-Series · Sharknado · Devil · Dawn of the Commercials · Man of Steel · Top 12 Santa Clauses · Eight Crazy Nights · The Christmas Tree
||Face/Off · The Wicker Man · Ghost Rider · Top 11 Strangest Best Couples · Ghost Dad · Disney's Alice in Wonderland · Top 11 Moments You Never Noticed in Ghostbusters · Disney Afternoon · Foodfight · Swan Princess · The Lorax · Old vs. New: Spider-Man · Blues Brothers 2000 · Jurassic Park 3 · After Earth · Bloodrayne · The Purge · Top 11 Trailers · Small Soldiers · The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement · Ghost Rider 2 · Top 11 Worst Avatar Episodes · Top 11 Best Avatars (with Dante Basco) · Maximum Overdrive · Top 11 New Halloween Classics · Monster Squad · Rise of the Commercials · Forest Warrior · Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (NC) · Christmas Story 2 · Care Bears Nutcracker
||The Matrix · The Animatrix · The Matrix Reloaded · The Matrix Revolutions · AVGN Movie · Mamma Mia! · The Haunted Mansion · Daredevil · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) · Demolition Man · Top 11 Animaniacs Episodes · Legend of Zorro · The Ewoks Cartoon - Was That Real? · Fantastic Four · Cowboys of Moo Mesa - Was That Real? · Sharkboy and Lavagirl · Small Wonder - Was That Real? · Jupiter Ascending · Jurassic World · Top 11 TV Show Intros · Planet of the Apes · Osmosis Jones · Garfield: The Movie · Pixels · The Smurfs · Hammerman - Was That Real? · Mad Max: Fury Road · Event Horizon · Children of the Corn · Hocus Pocus · Conquest of the Commercials · Dragon's Lair · We Wish You a Turtle Christmas · Christmas with the Kranks · Star Wars: The Force Awakens (NC)
||The Happening · Top 11 Funniest Shyamalan Moments · Lady in the Water · Labyrinth · Spawn · Cats & Dogs · The Phantom of the Opera · The Adventures of Pluto Nash · Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain - Was That Real? · Batman v Superman · Blade · Old vs. New: Cinderella · Spy Kids 3D: Game Over · Jem and the Holograms (2015) · The Grinch vs. The Cat in the Hat - Was That Real? · Scooby-Doo 2 · Alvin and the Chipmunks · Ghostbusters (2016) · Teddy Ruxpin Live Action Series - Was That Real? · Wild Wild West · The 3rd Animated Titanic Movie (Tentacolino) · The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle · Stephen King's Dreamcatcher · Freddy vs. Jason · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows · Battle of the Commercials · Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas · Top 12 Christmas Commercials · I'll Be Home For Christmas · Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
||Top 11 Best Movie Sequels · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel · Top 11 Worst Movie Sequels · The Smurfs 2 · Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties · Cool World · Old vs. New: Evil Dead · Top 11 WTF Alternate Endings · Balto · Fant4stic · Clockstoppers · The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas · Suicide Squad Trailer · Suicide Squad · Alien vs. Predator · Transformers: The Last Knight NON-Review · Wonder Woman · Norm of the North · Hulk (2003) · Monkeybone · The Sorcerer's Apprentice · Eragon · Kangaroo Jack · Green Lantern · It (2017) · The Mummy · The Mummy (2017) · Dragonball Evolution · War of the Commercials · Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa · Home Alone 2: Lost in New York · Star Wars: The Last Jedi
||Lara Croft: Tomb Raider · Top 11 Good Adam Sandler Movies · Yogi Bear · Batman Forever · Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked · Alice Through the Looking Glass · Beauty and the Beast (2017) · Jack and Jill · Starship Troopers · Scooby-Doo: The Mystery Begins · The Spirit · Deadpool 2 · The Angry Birds Movie · Fox Kids · The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen · Mission: Impossible 2 · Doom · Ghostbusters 2 · Freddy Got Fingered · Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer · Sleepwalkers · Van Helsing · Rubber (2010) · Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom · Escape from the Commercials · A Christmas Story Live · The Nutcracker (2010)
||Max Payne · Robocop (2014) · The Black Cauldron (NC) · Top 11 Funniest Siskel and Ebert Reviews · The Country Bears · X-Men: The Animated Series · X-Men · X-Men: The Last Stand · Best F(r)iends · Hop · Toonami · Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within · Mary Poppins Returns · Alien 3 · Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief · Kim Possible · Blade II · That Darn Cat · Underworld · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip · The Wall · Hannibal · It: Chapter Two · Venom · Justice League · Planet of the Commercials · The Grinch (2018) · The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
||Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker · Beverly Hills Chihuahua · Con Air · Supergirl · Spider-Man · Spider-Man 3 · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Dolittle · Independence Day: Resurgence · Critters · Avatar (2009) · Superman Returns · Elektra · Alita: Battle Angel · Battleship · The Lion King (2019) · The Animated Lord of the Rings · The Bill & Ted Movies · Playing with Fire
||Turkish Rambo · Video Game Review 2: Blues Brothers (SNES) · Reefer Madness · Doomsday Machine · NC - Kickassia · NC - Suburban Knights · NC - To Boldly Flee · NC - Live Review of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 · Paranoia · Cup of Idiocy (Doug's Old Home Movies) · Night of the Living Dead · The Cinema Snob Movie · The Review Must Go On Review
||NostalgiaWeen · Christmas · Annual Theme Month