[Some Jerk with a Camera and Spazz Master are riding on Mickey's Fun Wheel, which is still stuck]
Jerk: So, apparently, my teeth are openly rebelling against me. Sa-a-a-ay, remember the show Step by Step?
Spazz: No.
Jerk: Me neither. [pause for a couple of seconds] Why isn't this dissolving?
Spazz: You need to say "released on."
Jerk: Oh, yeah, yeah. Released on November 29th, 2013... [the scene finally dissolves to the episode] There it goes.
Announcer: Previously, on "ABC presents the Full House All-Singing, All-Dancing Smiley Happy Goodtime Variety Hour Hour"
Joey: I still can't believe we missed Captain EO.
Announcer: And now, previously, in the 1990's.
[Cut to Intro to Step by Step with the theme from The Brady Bunch]
Jerk [v/o]: Step by Step, ladies and gentleman, a shameless Brady Bunch ripoff starring the pretty boy from Dallas [Patrick Duffy] and the blonde chick from Three's Company [Suzanne Somers]. Say what you want about Full House, at least Full House had an identity. At least Full House gave work to relatively unknown talent, to use the term loosely. Step by Step was a glorified rerun before it was even rerun, a contractual obligation at 9/8 Central, a prime time Nick at Nite.
[Cut to Jerk next to the bust of Mary Tyler Moore]
Jerk: Casting established talent in your sitcom may seem like a great idea at the time and, granted, it's worked a couple times in the past, but usually, it's just short-term gain, long-term loss. I mean, everyone remembers Bob Saget as Danny Tanner, buu-u-u-u-t- Quick! Name Chrissy Snow and Bobby Ewing's Step by Step character names.* [Jerk pauses for a couple of seconds] See? Nobody can do it. I watched that show every week and I don't remember. I mean, this show was like a televised Blue Pill, you took it and instantly forgot everything about it. [As Jerk says that line, the intro from the show plays in reverse]
*Carol Foster and Frank Lambert
[Cut to Jerk in a dark living room watching television and gorging on a bowl of popcorn]
Jerk: Oh, boy! A new show with Patrick Duffy! I like him! [eats popcorn] Wow! Patrick Duffy's in that show, too! He looks great for his age! [eats another handful] Holy shit! Is that Patrick Duffy? Wow, this show keeps getting better and better. [Eats a third handful and then glances at his hand] This is popcorn! I LOVE POPCORN! [eats one last handful] Where am I?
Jerk [v/o]: But hey, the show will be in its element at Disney World. I mean, its opening theme takes at an opening theme park... I think? Actually, it looks more like an opening county fair, except for the big huge metaphorical roller coaster. Get it! Because RAISing KIds is LiKE a RoLleR COasTErRrRRRRrRrgh!!
[cut to Jerk in front of Space Mountain]
Jerk: I guess this is a metaphor for raising your kids IN SPAAAAAACE!! [At Matterhorn Bobsleds] And this is a metaphor for raising the kids of a man-eating snow monster.
[cut to Jerk in front of Gadget's Go Coaster]
Jerk: And this is a metaph.. [he looks behind him at where he's at] Oh, yeah, this exists.
Jerk [v/o]: As a side note, that thing must be a bitch to look from county to county every summer. Oh, it's [Six Flags] Magic Mountain. That makes perfect sen- HOLY SHIT, THE I-5 IS FLOODED! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE!! AAAAAAHHH!!!!
[Cut to Jerk standing in front of a painting of a mammoth]
Jerk: I watched this episode earlier to prepare and instantly forgot everything about it. So, excuse me while I watch it again. [Jerk walks off-camera; Cut to black with a caption: "Forty-four minutes later"; cut back to Jerk, disappointed] I noticed a pattern on this one.
Jerk [v/o]: So, they go to Disney World thanks to their grandmother, but their trip coincides with Bobby and Chrissy's [again, Carol and Frank] anniversary, so they spend most of the episode desperately seeking time alone. Meanwhile, the dumbass son [J.T.] and his dumbass friend [Rich] spend their time trying to pick up girls, but those girls have ulterior motives and the guys lose everything they have. The daughters [Al, Karen, and Dana] spend all their time rehearsing for a live performance at a Disney World venue and one of them turns into a tyrant who won't let the others have fun. But, then, lessons are learned and everyone enjoys the fireworks.
[Cut back to Jerk]
Jerk: Notice the pattern yet?
[Clip from Die Hard]
Sgt. Powell: They got the universal terrorist playbook and they're running it step by step.
Jerk [v/o]: [distant] Wrong park! [normal] They even hired the same director as the Family Matters episode and stole the episode's title such as it is. [Caption: "Step by Step: 'We're Going to Disney World (Parts 1 & 2)' Season 5 Episodes 22-23; First aired on May 3 and May 10, 1996"] This show was so unoriginal, it couldn't even make its own cheesy "we're going to Disney World" episode without cannibalizing other cheesy "we're going to Disney World" episodes.
[Cut to Jerk at the Disney Hollywood Studios, next to a Yellow Saber-tooth Tiger Power Ranger uniform]
Jerk: I didn't know cheese could cannibalize other cheese, but apparently those Swiss holes have teeth in them. I told them genetic engineering would lead to this. If you thought Cheddar was sharp before... Where was I? Oh, right, Step by Step. I've never seen this episode. Let's watch.
Jerk [v/o]: So, they go to Disney World thanks to their grandmother, played by June Lockhart of all people.
Helen Lambert: What I'm talking about is taking all of you on a little trip the first week of summer vacation.
[Cut to Jerk at Space Mountain, again]
Jerk: We're going to Alpha Centauri and we're bringing a robot and a crazy doctor. Don't worry, nothing will go wrong.
Frank: Gee, mmm, that's really generous of you, but you see, Carol and I already have plans to...
[Cut to Jerk at Paradise Pier]
Jerk: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Play that again?
Frank: You see, Carol and I already...
Jerk: There, right there. You're telling me that Suzanne Somers's character on this show was named Carol? It was already a blatant Brady Bunch ripoff and they had the gall to name the mother with the hair of gold Carol. Out of all the female names- You know what? I actually kind of admire that. I mean, so many other writers go to such great lengths to hide their thieving hackery, and this show flat-out embraced it. I mean, Mark Zuckerberg didn't call his site Winklebook, Vanilla Ice didn't call that song "Ice Ice Pressure," and I sure as hell don't start every show saying-
[Jerk turns around and the scene transitions with Jerk wearing the Nostalgia Critic outfit]
NC!Jerk: Hello, I'm the Vacation Critic. I encounter it because you don't get to. Do you ever start off a sentence very calmly and rationally and then [pounds his fists against the table] EXPLODE INTO A FIT OF RAGE FOR NO GOOD REASON?!! This is Step by Step.
[Transition back to Paradise Pier]
Jerk: You know why I don't do that? Because I... don't... know... why... either. I've forgotten everything again. [pause; Jerk gives a confused look] What am I doing?
Jerk [v/o]: Oh, yeah, this shit. So, they go to Disney World thanks to their grandmother, played by June Lockhart of all people.
Helen: It's only fair to leave the decision up to them. So, they can go on their own vacation or we can ALL go to Disney World.
Jerk [v/o]: Doesn't summer vacation last longer than one week? [Cut to an airplane taking flight] Apparently not! Fuckin' Obama.
[At an Orlando hotel]
Helen: Come on, girls, I'll help you unpack and I'll tell you all about the weekend in '53 when I tangoed with Ricardo Montalban.
[As Helen does her tango dance, Al, Dana, and Karen follow her to another room. Red Alert flashes: "Engage Khan/ Mom from Lost in Space Fanfic"]
Jerk: Well, it's a better story than her very similar weekend with Benedict Cumberbatch. He kept making his friend scream his name during sex.
Jerk [v/o]: Speaking of sex, when they get to the park, Scuzzlebutt's leg and his Step-by-Stepford wife play a hot game of "Let's Traumatize This Poor Bastard" [referring to Lilly, whom Carol is holding as an arrow points at Lilly].
Carol: [to Frank] Why don't you and I take a ride on Peter Pan's Flight? It's a slow-moving fantasy ride in the dark. And you know when you and I are alone in the dark, it's adults only.
[Cut to a photo of a door to a therapist's office. The caption appears: "Seventeen years later..."]
Lilly: [voiced by Jerk] Every time I see a Disney park commercial, I just start screaming and puking and I don't know why. I can't even watch Blip anymore.
Psychiatrist: What the hell is Blip?
Lilly: It's even worse with their new campaign.
[A Disney World ad is shown with an added caption]
Announcer: "Disney World: Where your parents have sex."
Helen: I know I said I'd watch the baby for you, but today is not a good day. Jean-Claude and I have plans.
[A Disney World ad is shown with an added caption]
Announcer: "Disney World: Where your grandma has better sex."
Jerk [v/o]: So, while Mrs. Robinson from Lost in Space turns into Mrs. Robinson from The Graduate, the dumbass son and his dumbass friend seek a couple of dumbass dates.
J.T.: [looking through a restaurant pamphlet] We got Italian, seafood and Chinese. What's your pleasure?
Ashley: Well, I hear Pinetta's is really great, but it's really expensive.
Jerk: [extremely long pause] What the hell is Pinetta's?
J.T.: Well, it just happens to be your lucky day because I happen to own Pinetta's.
Jerk: No, seriously, what the hell is Pinetta's? I've literally never heard of a Disney restaurant called Pine-
Ashley: Are you serious?! You own Pinetta's?
Jerk: [looking up on his phone] I'm at the Disney World dining website and their alphabetical list of restaurants skips from Picabu's at the Dolphin Resort to... [camera pans up to reveal The Pinocchio Village Haus Restaurant]
J.T.: When we come back, we'll head over to Pinetta's.
Ashley: Great.
Jerk: [still looking up on his phone] I just Googled Pinetta's and the only listing for a restaurant is in BATON ROUGE!! And I know I didn't spell it wrong because you went to the trouble of making A SIGN for your dumb made-up restaurant. [and as it turns out, that restaurant that was disguised as Pinetta's for the episode is a restaurant in Pleasure Island (now Disney Springs) entitled Portobello Yacht Club (now just Portobello)]
Jerk [v/o]: [as Ashley] Have you tried The Broiled Void of Nothingness? It's so light.
Jerk: Granted, this is not a SmartPhone, but still, was it really that hard to find an actual expensive restaurant...in Disney World? The freaking churros have installment plans.
Jerk [v/o]: Anyway, they take a limo all the way from Baton Rouge and now they're completely broke for some reason.
Rich: It took us a year to save up that money, man, and you blew it in two days! You got to be the most irresponsible jerk I've ever met!
Jerk: Hey, hey, hey, give that man a little credit. He did give you a table in a restaurant that doesn't even exist. That's not easy. I've been on the waiting list for Milliways [The Restaurant At The End of the Universe] for an eternity.
Rich: As soon as I scrounge up enough money for bus fare, I'm heading back to Port Washington and find myself a new friend!
Jerk [v/o]: [as Rich] And then, I'm gonna be in A Goofy Movie and Spirited Away and Fairly Odd Parents. I'm gonna get tons of voice work and you're gonna get shot in both arms over a traffic dispute!!
Announcer: [voiced by Jerk] This joke brought to you by IMDb.
Jingle: [sung by Jerk] ♪♪ What you do instead of things! ♪♪
Jerk [v/o]: But never let it be said this show doesn't believe in equality. The daughters are all mindless horn dogs, too.
Al: Personally, I would rather go with a real man, one of those guys that runs the Jungle Boat ride.
[Cut to Jerk in front of the entrance to Jungle Cruise. The word "Cruise" on the sign is blacked out and replaced with "Boat"]
Jerk: Skipper Dayamn is the name. If you're extra nice to one of these guys, he just might show you the backside of his water. [raises eyes flirtatiously]
Jerk [v/o]: So, is anyone else a little unnerved by how horny everyone is? I mean, I get it. It was the mid-90's; every show was trying to match Seinfeld and Friends for libido usage, but how many base-level nuanced impaired walking talking hormones does one heartwarming family sitcom need? Can't these people at least keep it in their pants long enough to enjoy the goddamn parks?
Karen: You know who the perfect hunk is? Prince Charming. I'd like to party in his castle.
Carol: You know, we can make our way to Fantasyland.
Helen: I guess we'll just have to use body language.
J.T: If we weren't making with these girls, we're going to have to spend it.
Al: Hi, there, jungle boy. [roar]
Dana: Hellooooo, boys! I'm getting to see why they call it Pleasure Island.
J.T.: By midnight, we'll be men, if you know what I mean.
Rich: I know what you mean. I want to be a man just as much as you.
[A Disney World ad is shown with an added caption]
Announcer: "Disney World: Basically an orgy with churros"
Jerk [v/o]: So, naturally, when an XY chromosome hands the girls a sliver of dead tree, who are they to doubt its mighty will?
Karen: Country Music Talent Search. Winner receives a $500 college scholarship.
[Cut to Jerk dressed as a redneck standing beside Mater from Cars. This segment is a parody of Hee Haw.]
Redneck: Because if there's one thing we country folk love, it's higher edjumacation. Ain't that right, Mater?
Mater: Sure, I hired me a Cajun last week. Then I ran him over for talkin' French.
[Jerk makes a goofy face as the camera zooms in to him; cut to clip from Hee Haw]
Grandpa Jones: And now, here's Mister Johnny Cash!
[Applause; cut to an older Cash on his guitar in the "Hurt" music video]
Johnny Cash: [singing] ♪♪ I hurt myself today... ♪♪
Jerk [v/o]: So the dark-haired brunette [Karen] wants the other two to be her backup singers, but the blonde [Dana] will have nothing of it until, you guessed it, MORE XY CHROMOSOMES, because we're just that awesome.
Dana: On second thought... Yippy-yo-ki-yay.
(Cut to a clip of "Die Hard")
John McClane: ...Motherfucker.
Jerk: And now, my Step by Step review is stealing Die Hard references from my Family Matters review. HAVE YOU NO SHAME!?!
Jerk [v/o]: But then the dark-haired brunette won't let them stop rehearsing.
Karen: This is my group and we eat when I say we eat.
Dana: I've got news for you, Miss Queen of the Nashville Nazis.
Jerk: I've just found the name of my new cover band.
[Cut to the album of "Rip Out My Urkel-Loving Heart" with a Hitler mustache added to Jerk's face and a crown on his Stetson. Jerk singing voice screams the lyrics and has a German accent]
Queen Of The Nashville Nazis: ♪♪ Rip out my Urkel-loving heart, Lord, Lord ♪♪
♪♪ Won't you rip out my Urkel-loving soul? ♪♪
Jerk [v/o]: So the blonde and the light-haired brunette [Al] quit the band and the dark-haired brunette hits the stage all by her lonesome.
[Karen gets up onstage at the Talent Showcase and stands there aimlessly with her guitar as the band plays the intro to "Girls With Guitars" by Wynonna Judd. During the show, she develops stage fright and struggles to play by herself. Cut to clips from 8 Mile, particularly ones where the audience boos and chants "Choke! Choke! Choke!"]
Karen: I can't do this. [She gives up as she walks offstage and takes off her guitar]
Jerk [v/o]: And... apparently, whichever parent is biologically hers is busy in the men's room [over a "Scene Missing" clip] giving Patrick a quick Duffy and/or showing Suzanne Somers his ThighMaster. You're welcome. [back to the action] So, her sisters console her and they make up and sing with her to an audience of... people who clap without making noise. [Showing the audience of country folk type people with clapping noises that go out of sync with the motion] How Zen. Then, I'm pretty sure she dyed her hair blonde and made a cameo in the Country Bears movie and no one heard from her again.
Jerk: I heard tell that she eventually got kidnapped, shot her non-vital organ, and buried alive by the CEO of one of the following companies. See if you can guess which one. [gestures a firearm shooting] Pew, pew.
[Fade to black]
[Cut to a commercial]
Patrick Duffy: Hi, I'm Patrick Duffy. Are you having trouble hearing? [The sound of white noise increases volume] What if it's something easily correctable like earwax? And now, here's a quick and easy way to find out. [static]
Suzanne Somers: Every single time you squeeze ThighMaster, you strengthen the tone right where you need it. So it's easy to Squeeze. [The word "squeeze" is repeated, gradually increasing the speed of the footage and audio, eventually cutting to a clip of the "Hourglass" video by Squeeze] [static]
[Cut to It's a Small World: The Animated Series]
Children: [singing] Hooray! Hooray! We're on our merry way! [The cartoon explodes as it fades to Jerk for he just pushed down the plunger of the TNT in Toontown]
Jerk [v/o]: There's only one Step by Step subplot I really like, and it concerns their neighbor, Flash, a Crispin Glover wannabe who tags along and learns a disturbing factoid:
Mark: Boris Petrovsky from the Russian Republic of Uzbekistan set a record by visiting every attraction in the park in just under four days.
Flash: A Russian holds a record? That's a disgrace!
(cut to Jerk standing outside Rushin' River Outfitters in DCA.)
Jerk: Yeah! Those greedy jerks already have freezing cold, barren wasteland, rampant poverty, anti-gay laws, and all the Faberge eggs they can eat, and now they want [mocking] "accomplishments?" [sighs] Selfish communists.
Flash: I'm gonna break this Russian guy's record, and bring the title back home where it belongs!
(cut to Jerk standing outside Magic Kingdom transport entrance)
Jerk: (with Russian accent, and digitally altered strong-man voice) I think the Russian might break you first. In fact, I'm pretty sure that he must.
Jerk [v/o]: [low voice still] And so, the-- [clears throat, normal, with first Soarin' note crescendo] Sorry. And so, the one called Flash accepts this noble and worthy Herculean task before him, armed only with one basic tool, without which no true hero could ever exist-- [cut to black] AN INSPIRATIONAL MONTAGE!
[Cue said inspirational montage, with "This Track Counts For Community Service" by Flying Like Wilma, the comedy rock band formed by Tony [Jerk] and his ex-wife]
Flying Like Wilma: ♪♪ Learning to read made me cool ♪♪
♪♪ So stay in schoooooool! ♪♪
[Cut to clip from Rocky IV]
Ivan Drago [in Russian]: He is not human... He is like a piece of iron!
Flying Like Wilma: ♪♪ Rock! ♪♪
[Cut back to Jerk in the studio, recording the song]
♪♪ Learning to read made me cool ♪♪
♪♪ So stay at schoooooool! ♪♪
Jerk: Community service complete, bitches! Whoooo! [mindlessly runs out the door and drives off]
[Cut to the montage of Flash running rampant around the parks]
Jerk [v/o]: I know this whole subplot is just a transparent means of promoting the rides, but ludicrous as it is, it's basically how I am at Disney Parks! ...Minus the running. I'm not good at running. But when I'm not shooting Some Jerk with a Camera, I'm usually doing what Flash is doing here: squeezing as many rides, shows, and stuff into my day as humanly possible. I don't like meandering in gift shops or just sitting around if I can avoid it, because I'm keenly aware that these parks close at night! And this show fulfills a geek fantasy by having Disney support Flash's goal for some reason. They give him food and souvenirs for free, and even let White Urkel here [Mark] command the control room!
Flash: As soon as I'm done with Astro Orbiter, I'm on my way to Alien Encounter.
Mark: Negative, repeat, that's a negative, Flash. Plans have changed on Alien Encounter. Access route is impeded. Parade in progress.
Jerk: ...but, both those things were in Tomorrowland. The parades never went through Tomorrowland.
Mark: Please choose alternate route going through Fantasyland, and proceed directly to Jungle Cruise, over.
[cut to Jerk at a gift shop]
Jerk: That does go through the parade! Are you insane?! You- ...you're trying to sabotage him. You commie bastard, you were working for the Ruskies this whole time! You diabolic-
Mark: (voiced by Jerk, points gun at Jerk's face with dramatic music underneath) Just back away, man. You have no idea how high this goes.
Jerk: ...take it easy, alright, it's just a theme park-
Mark: IT'S NEVER JUST A THEME PARK! This involves the NSA, the World Bank, S.H.I.E.L.D., Rob Ford! You think Pinetta's was erased from history by accident? IT KNEW TOO MUCH!!
Jerk: Calm down, okay? I mean, it's Step by Step, I'm going to forget everything about this episode the instant it's over, it's Step by Step- oh, my God.
Mark: What?
Jerk: The show's called Step by Step, and it's about stepsiblings. [The dramatic music cuts off.]
Mark: Whoa...
Jerk: I literally just this moment noticed that.
Mark: Holy Christ on a cracker...
Jerk: This show is deep!
Mark: I know, right?
Jerk: So, we still on for bowling on Thursday?
Mark: Only if you buy the shoes!
Jerk: [chuckles] Oh, nerdy kid. You rapscallion, you. [continues chuckling] I think I'll go fall down. [he does]
Jerk [v/o]: Then he's about to see the Indiana Jones Stunt Show, but it gets unexpectedly delayed.
Man: Next show will begin at 2:00.
Father: [To his son] Sorry, son. We'll be on our way to the airport by then.
Boy: But I saved Indy to be my very last, and I'm never gonna see him.
[Jerk is at the front entrance of the Indiana Jones Stunt Show]
Jerk: And at that exact moment, young Shia LaBeouf swore he'd get revenge.
Jerk (v/o): So in order to help save the future, Flash risks sacrificing his chance of the record by agreeing to... (Flash is shown participating in the stunt show) No. No, no. No. No. No. No. No. No. No, no! No! NO! NO, NO, NO! NO! NO!
(We then get a minute-long montage of all sorts of characters shouting "No!", with clips from various movies, TV shows and other Internet shows. Those include: Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Star Wars: A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back, Revenge of the Sith, the Nostalgia Critic's review of Drop Dead Fred, The Lion King, Tangled, A Bug's Life, Monsters, Inc., Toy Story, Toy Story 2, The Incredibles, The Avengers, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, Observe and Report, The Death and Return of Superman, Futurama: "Bend Her", Rocko's Modern Life: "I See London, I See France," Community: "Remedial Chaos Theory," The Daily Show: Election Night 2004, Mr. Show: "The Cry of a Hungry Baby," MST3K: "Earth vs the Spider," Silent Movie, To Be or Not to Be, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, Back to the Future Part 2, Back to the Future, Mystery Men, Ghost Dad, Patton Oswalt: Finest Hour, Breaking Bad: "Cornered," What's Trending: Gilbert Gottfried, Kill Bill Volume 2, Inglorious Basterds, Django Unchained, Death Proof, Tombstone, Star Trek: First Contact, Scrubs: My Brother, Where Art Thou," The Daily Show: "10/3/2013," History of the World Part 1, Cop Out, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory ("You get nothing!"), Rise of the Planet of the Apes, The Happening, The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: "Lovesick Sonic," The Office: "Frame Toby," and The Simpsons: "Treehouse of Horror VI")
Chief Wiggum: Yes. Um, I mean, no. No.
Jerk: First of all, they would not cancel Indy just because the guy playing Indy couldn't make it. That's what understudies are for.
Jerk (vo): If you thought it would ruin the Disney magic to reveal that Indy's just an actor, guess what? (Cut to a curtain call of the stunt show) DISNEY ALREADY REVEALS THAT!
Host: Ladies and gentlemen, Harrison Ford's stunt double, Kevin Morgan!
Jerk: Second of all, they would not just let anyone do this!
Jerk (vo): These are professional stuntmen! Even if you've got the physical prowess for it, and even if you could somehow circumvent the Union Laws, these are delicate routines that require a shitload of rehearsal and are not to be taken lightly!
[Cut to a news report showing the death of a stunt performer]
News reporter: Last night, stuntman Anislav Varbanov was killed in a rehearsal for the Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular.
Jerk (vo): This is a dangerous job! Injuries are inevitable and the performers need to be qualified. I dare say it's a testament to Disney's safety concerns that the show ran 20 years before its first and only fatal accident. But you wouldn't know it from this show!
[The scene of Flash convincing the man to be in the show is shown again]
Jerk [v/o]: [As Flash] Hey, can I be Indy?
Man: Sure, why not?
Jerk: I'm sorry, but I just can't pretend these inaccuracies don't bug me anymore. Disney World is a real place! I'm standing in it! And you can't just make stuff up about a real product! Where do you draw the line between suspension of disbelief and false advertising?
(A Disney World ad is shown with an added caption)
Announcer: "Disney World: Where your kids perform death-defying stunts in front of thousands of witnesses, and the restraints on thrill rides are optional, because Mickey Mouse ice cream bars give you the power to fly, and if you buy two of every plush toy, your mom and dad will get back together and Grandma will finally wake up!"
(Cut back to Step By Step)
Jerk (vo): And as if all that wasn't enough, what a shocker... (Cut to a clip from the Full House Disney World episode) FULL HOUSE DID THIS FIRST!! But when they did it, DJ was hallucinating her boyfriend is Indy!
(Cut to a clip from UHF)
Bob: George! (George wakes with a scream) Are you daydreaming again?
(Cut back to Step By Step)
Jerk (vo): SO EVEN FULL HOUSE IS MORE LEGITIMATE THAN STEP BY FUCKING STEP! Christ, even the subplots I LIKED turned into irresponsible ripoffs! How do you think a real stepbrother would react to this shit?
(Cut to a clip from Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox story)
Dewey Cox: Patrick Duffy took a beating.
(Cut to Jerk in front of the Lucy Tribute in USF)
Jerk: Hey, FUN FACT: Step by Step lasted seven seasons! I Love Lucy lasted six! Just thought I'd throw that out there. So...
(Cut to the brothers on Sunset Boulevard at Disney-MGM Studios)
Jerk (vo): ...I guess I can forgive Illinois Smith and the Temple of Dumb here as long as he doesn't make any more of [camera pans up on, yep, you guessed it, The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror!] the same mistakes that the other shows I've reviewed have already ma--
Flash: Let me get this straight, you said--
Jerk (vo, goes friggin' POSTAL as the camera cuts from him to the episode and back again like mad): AAAaaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAAaaaHHH!! SWEET JESUS, I EVEN THINK THEY HIRED THE SAME ACTOR TO PLAY THE BELLHOP!! [According to the commentary, the actor could have actually been a real cast member working the Tower of Terror. Whatever the case, he had the perfect look for it.] I AM IN HELL!!! I'M IN AN ENDLESS MOEBIUS STRIP OF HELL! I'LL NEVER BE FINISHED EDITING THIS FUCKING THING!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH--
(Cut to a Technical Difficulties title card, with the subtitle "Cranial Re-Flash-Adulation In Progress." The visual is a clipart of a human man locked in a straitjacket inside a padded cell of a mental hospital.)
Jerk (vo, obviously worn-out and sarcastic): So, on the last morning of this groovy vacation, they had Flashy-washy enter the park before anyone else (which seems fair) and they blocked off Main Street for his one-man parade! Whee! I didn't even add the Rocky theme to this scene, it was there already!
(Cut to Flash running down Main Street hoisting an American flag, with, of course, "Gonna Fly Now" by Bill Conti playing in the background)
Jerk: (waving two American flags on a corner in Main Street) Go for it, Flash! You can do it! Be the savior of the universe! Can you read semaphore? I'm trying to say I love you!
(Cut to Flash claiming his title on the Castle Forecourt Stage with his entire family and Mickey Mouse looking on!)
Jerk (vo): And sure enough, Flash triumphantly breaks that sonovabitch record and brings the illustrious title back to the Land of the Free, Home of the Lapsed Safety Regulations where it belongs! ...And two years later [cut to Animal Kingdom's Tree of Life], Animal Kingdom opened, and this record got smeared with an asterisk.
[As the Mario Death music plays in the background, a scoreboard shows up on the screen reading: HIGH SCORES: 1. Flash*, 2. Boris*, 3. SJerk]
[Cut to Jerk standing outside the Disney's Hollywood Studios entrance]
Jerk: So, that's Step By Step. And now that it's over, I've forgotten literally everything about it. Along with my ATM pin, my social security number, whoop! There goes my birthday...
[As the end credits roll over the song "Step By Step" by The Crests, his dialogue continues.]
Jerk (vo): ...and there goes my mother's birthday, and there goes my mother's maiden name, my grandma's maiden name, my other grandma's maiden name, my maiden name-- I don't remember any of these people, or these people in the background, now are they the same people? I'll never know... I just forgot which color is orange, I forgot the Prime Minister of Finland's name, and I forgot how to sneeze. [the "additional clips" credits come up] Aaaand I don't remember seeing any of these movies... Or these movies... Or these mov-- rather a lot of movies, aren't there? I won't remember any of these, I forget how these songs go... Uuuuuuuuhhhh...
Jerk: And now I've forgotten my entire senior year of high school. What exactly is happening?
[Cut to a clip from NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter with Xayide's memory machine, depicting one of Jerk's memories going down the chute with the ABC logo ending up among the memories. Static transition into that same "Full House" To Be Continued clip]
DJ: Michelle!
Kimmy: Michelle!
Stephanie: Michelle, where are you?!?
[The end credits finish with the intro to "Try To Remember" by Big Daddy]
