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Star Wars Holiday Special
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Date Aired
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December 22nd, 2009
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Running Time
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23:42
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Website
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Nostalgia Critic: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it-
NC suddenly rises from his chair and starts running out of the house as though someone is chasing after him. He falls down in his doorsteps and pants.
NC: I can't escape it, can't I? I have to go through with it, don't I?
He sobs.
NC: Alright, here we go. The Star Wars Holiday Special.
Footage of Star Wars Holiday Special
NC (voiceover): The rumors were true, people. In 1978, an actual Christmas Special was released under the Star Wars name. And it's not like they just got some of the supporting actors be in it; no. They actually got whole freaking casts: Harrison Ford; Carrie Fisher; James Earl Jones. And not only that, it has guest stars! Like Art Carney, Harney Korman and Bea Arthur. Because like most people, when you think Star Wars, you fucking think they are in it. This special has never reaired to this date when George Lucas has apparantly gone out of his way to make sure that nobody sees it.
NC: So just to recap, this is the guy who said this (Jar Jar Binks) is OK and this (Howard The Duck) is OK, which means that this (Star wars holiday special) is the project that he was personally ashamed of. Let me go over that again. OK (Jar Jar Binks), OK (Howard The Dcuk), personally ashamed of (Star Wars holiday special)
NC: There are none of toilets in the world to contain the amount of shit-spewing fear that I am going through right now. But spirit of Christman, I feel like owe to you to give the audience a gift to review this hateness special.
A few moments of silence.
NC: Begin!
NC (voiceover): So we see Han Solo and Chewbacca fighting off the stock footage from the first movie, as they try to make clear from the battle.
Han Solo: I'll get you back there in time now, trust me.
Chewbacca growls
Han Solo: That's the spirit! You'll be celebrating Life Day before you know it!
NC: Life what?
Han Solo: You'd be celebrating Life Day before you know it!
NC: Life Day? What the hell is Life Day?
NC (voiceover): Yeah, perhaps I should have rephrase the title a little bit. It is not much a Christmas special,it is actually a Holiday Special. Christmas is not even mentioned. Instead, we have a Wookie holiday known as Life Day. A holiday probably invented by Ja Wa advertisers to make more money.
NC (voiceover): We then cut to a beautiful mad painting where Cewbacca's family lives. A small child Wookie appears
NC: why who's that cute little hunk of armpit hair? I am guessing it's Chewbacca's son. But it's sort of hard to tell, considering that they never speak English!
Scenes of Wookies in their house and roaring sounds they make continues.
NC (voiceover): Oh my god. We'll gonna have to listen to this throughout the entire special, aren't we? If you got Chewbacca's roar annoying at that time, try the fucking choir of it!
Roaring sounds of Wookies continues although we cut to NC.
NC: Well, I do believe that, yeah. My ears are ringing. Thank you. Five minutes in, earing ringing. Thank you.
NC (voiceover): How about SOME SUBTITLES, YOU JERKS! It's bad enough we have to listen to their belging their lives, but we don't even understand what they are saying! A subtitle presumablely made by NC appears in the bottom of the screen.
Wookie #1: Junior! Come over here and eat your yak testicles!
Wookie #2: They taste like diarrhea. I wish I was adopted!
Wookie #1: You were adopted! You're just a Sand Person we glued hair on to! Now eat your dinner, you abomination!
NC (voiceover): Seriously, it's like watching a Wookie Reality Show! Where's the lasers? Where are the star ships? Is the hairball only thing we are gonna get?
NC (voiceover): What do you think the script for this look like? Do you think it actually explains anymore of what's going on?
NC: Believe it or not, I actually have the copy of the screenplay right here! Let's see what it says.
We see NC reading a random page of the script. On the script we can see the following, and this goes on for the rest of the page.
Wookie #1: Roar!
Wookie #2: Roar!
Wookie #1: Roar!
Wookie #2: Roar!
NC closes the script and roars: DO SOMETHING!
Two Wookies sits in front of a table. A small colorful hologram figures appear and dance on the table.
NC (voiceover): OK, what's this? All right, we're halfway there, special. You're in fact doing someting. But how about something that actually makes sense? Whoa! who's doing the 69 assualt there?
The dancing parade of the figures on the table goes on.
NC (voiceover, sighing): I have no idea what's going on. It's like watching the Star Wars prequels.
NC (voiceover): If you are following the story OK, trust me, I know you are, we learn that they have to contact Luke Skywalker to find out what's taking Chewbacca so long
Luke Skywalker: Oh, he's not there, yet. That it?
NC: Wow, when did Luke Skywalker suddenly turned into a Ken doll?
NC (voiceover): I mean, look at him! He looks like a store manikin. What, the twelve year old cowboy look was just in at that time? Luke Skywalker: He has left here on schedule. He's not there now, they're overdue!
NC (voiceover, mimicking Luke Skywalker): Wow that just perms my hair!
Luke Skywalker: Come on. Don't worry. Chewie's not gonna want to come to a house with long faces, is he? C'mon. let's see a little smile. NC frowns in disgust.
Luke Skywalker: Come on! OK. That's better
NC: OK. Wookies smiling should be outlawed.
NC (voiceover): So one of the Wookies, I guess, turns on a cooking show where we see oh my god!
A very weird looking Cooking show woman: Wonderful! Just taste that...
NC: Harvey Korman, no!
NC (voiceover): Who the hell designed that thing? He looks like a mix between of Cinderella's stepmother and the robot maid from the Jacksons!
Cooking show woman: So whip, stir, whip stir, whip, whip whip stir! Whip, stir, whip stir, whip, whip whip stir!
NC's head rotates as he sees the cooking show woman repeating "Whip, stir" over and over again.
Cooking Show Woman: Whip, stir! Whip, stir! Whip, whip whip, stir!
Cooking Show Woman's "Whip, stir!" continues as NC becomes more hysterical and is unable to take this any longer.
Cooking Show Woman: Whip, stir! Whip, stir! Whip, whip whip, stir! WOW!
NC: ENOUGH! God damn enough! What the fuck! HOW is this an entertainment? For what age it was intended? Ages from 10 to 1?
We cut to the scene of Han Solo and Chewbacca in the middle of the battle.
NC (voiceover): No! Please! Go back to the cooking! I don't want to see all these Sci-Fi action! I want to see how the fucking dinner turns out!
Chewbacca growls.
Han Solo: You can say that again. One life day and soon we all forget.
NC (voiceover): Have you ever noticed that they actually do not acknowledge what the life day is? I mean, I guess ti's a celebration of life, but what does that entail? What's the history? How long has it been around? It is much about holiday special, but you don't explain the god damn holiday!
NC (voiceover): Oh good! We're back to the Wookies. that was about 1, or 20 seconds of action you just saw that? You know, when you hire the cast of Star Wars, we expect to see the cast of Star Wars, not these walking doginesses all day. Yeah, But the dialog is still riveting.
NC (voiceover): Why, that is Art Carney. Yes. I double checked and I really know it's really him. I guess he is helping the rebels and their battle against the empire. And Chewy's family are the friends of the resistance.
Art Carney: Why all the long hairy faces? I made that for the Imperial petrol, didn't I?
Little Wookie (voiced by NC): What's you're talking about, Carney?
Art Carney: And now for the lovely lady!
NC (voiceover): That was the lady the whole time?
Art Carney: How do you like that?
Art Carney (To grandpa Wookie): We insert this proton pack.. I thought you might like this. one of those that, kind of hard to explain it to you, it's called WOW.
NC: world of warcraft?
NC (voiceover): So I think the grandpa Wookie enters the matrix of something as we see it enters some kind of machine as he watches.. Wookie sperm. Yeah. That sounds about right.
A woman with a revealing outfit appears in the machine and talks in a whispering and soothing tone that echos everytime.
Woman: I'm your sister, I am you mom, as you creat them. Ooooh yes! Oh, ooooooh Yes! Relax. Just relax...
NC seems perplexed and disgusted. Grandpa Wookie roars.
Woman: Now, we can have a good time...
NC: Is... this a traditional lifeday past time?
Woman: I am your fantasy, I am your experience. Experience me...
NC: This is wrong. This is.. a holocaust of wrong.
Woman: I am your pleasure. Join me...
NC: I know you like to shave. This is what the Wookie looks like without all furs!
Grandpa Wookie roars.
NC (voiceover): Oh, why can't we see grandpas hands?
Woman: This is our moment together in time that we might turn this moment into an eternity.
NC (voiceover): What is up with this special? First of all, would you ever look at this and say 'Oh, yeah! Star Wars! I can tell right away!'? Hell! Could you even connect it to the holiday special? Second, are humans just the most attractive creatures in the universe? I mean you got Jabba putting Leia in that slave outfit and now we got a Wookie jerking off to this chick! How many inner species that love humans are there?
We cut to the scene of Leia and C3PO investigating something in a poorly made set.
NC (voiceover): Oh, good! Because this special was gay enough already.
Leia (To Wookie family via contacting device): Could you do me a favor and send either Chewbacca or Han Solo to the screen please?
Lady Wookie roars.
C3PO: She says that she would like to grant your request, but it is quite unable to do so.
Leia: You mean they haven't arrived yet?
The Wookie roars.
C3PO: She says there has been no contact.
NC (voiceover): You know, I'll never figure out how this stupid translation in this world work. How can the Wookie can understand the English that Leia is speaking but can't manage to speak in herself. Is it because her lips can't pronounce O sounds?
Leia: The Imperial petrol must be giving them more trouble than we bargained for.
NC (voiceover, mimicking Leia): Good thing I am the leader of the club made for you and me.
Leia: Malla, are you alone?
The Wookie roars.
NC (voiceover): But iall might be okey because they hear a ship landing outside and it must be Chewbacca.
But several stormtroopers and Empirial patrols enter the house and corner the Wookies. A comical Ha Ha sounds can be heard.
NC (voiceover): I heard you've been hiding Jewish Ewoks!
NC (voiceover): So the Imperials drops in because they suspect the Wookies for wrong doing.
Art Carney (To Imperials) : Wookiee food isn't the greatest, but I'm sure I can whip you up something in the kitchen we can all eat. You don't mind, do you Malla?
Art Carney (in a very fast manner): Malla, you get in the kitchen and help me!
NC: What?
Art Carney: Malla, you get in the kitchen and help me!
NC: Isn't that Hawaiians' way to say Merry Christmas to you?
NC (voiceover): So Carney tries to distract the stormtroopers by playing, get this: A music video.
"Light the Sky on Fire", performed by Jefferson Starship is played.
NC (voiceover): Wow! They don't have holiday celebrating Jesus in this galgaxy far far away, but they sure do have Jefferson Starship singing love song.
Song continues to go on.
NC (voiceover): God! It's like the special got bored of itself so it decided to change the channel to VH1!
The music video finally ends and we cut to the Wookies, Art Carney and Imperial patrol but none of them ever talks about what just happend.
NC seems tired when <Big Lipped Alligator Moment> is about to appear.
NC: Don't, don't used that. If we point them all out, we'll gonna hear all night.
NC (voiceover): So after...(sighs) SIX minutes of nothing but that song, we fiannly get to see the action packed, laser shooting Sci-Fi adventure with all our character... In cartoon. God! I would punch this special in the nose if I could. Leia: Luke, take R2 with you.
NC (voiceover): It's not even a good cartoon either, it's like a Dragon's Lair cartoon.
Luke: Falcon, come in, Facon. It's Chewy! But where's Han?
NC: And where are his nostrils for that man? Leia: Whatever they're doing there must be a reason!
Man: These are in collision course. They're in mortal danger.
NC: Actually, it is me or the animation is done by the same numbnuts who did the horrible Zelda CD games?
A part from Zelda CD game is shown.
Man: These are the faces of EVIL!
Luke lands on a planet and comes out of his ship, while we can see a giant monster coming behind him.
C3PO: What are you going, sir?
Luke: To see if I can locate the Falcon by visual side. Maybe it's close by.
NC: Oh, no! We landed in bedrock!
NC (voiceover): The only thing that people really seems to remember about this cartoon is Boba Fett, who has kind of galactic popularity for some reason, actually made his first apearence here.
Boba Fett appears and defeats the monster.
Boba Fett: It will be easy to find the ship you seek, Halloween friend.
NC (voiceover): But who cares? Everyone else looks like McDonald character! So it's not like he's coolest factors going to save anything!
C3PO: I am afraid sir, because you said Boba a friend, and..
NC (voiceover): Wait a minute, why does C3PO blink? What's the purpose?
C3PO and R2D2 see the conversation between Darth Vader and Boba Fett on screen.
Darth Vader (on screen): I want them alive. Now that you've got their trust - maybe they will take you to their new base. I see why they call you the best bounty hunter in the galaxy.
NC: Now, that was one, two, three lines we got out of James Earl Jones and nothing else. Fail. Can't even keep the villian in the recording studio for four fucking minutes!
We see animated version of Chewy and Han Solo.
NC: Argh! Why does Solo look like Richard Gere's wrinkled up caricature?
C3PO: Chewbacca said there wal all along something bad about Boba!
Luke Skywalker: How did you know, Chewy?
C3PO: Because he didn't.. smell like.
Everyone including Luke Skywalker, Han Solo laughs.
NC (voiceover): Ha ha ha ha ha! Not funny!
Darth Vader: May the Force be with you.
The cartoon ends and we see little Wookie clapping.
NC (voiceover): Oh, please! Don't go back to the plot now! There must be someting else you can watch, or put on to waste our time?
Little Wookie turns on a digital instruction manual. Thus we see another time killing video. Woman: This instrctions are provided by the manufacturer.
NC bangs his head on his table. Woman: This product was packed under strict...
NC (voiceover): An instruction manual. They are actually showing us an instruction video. Are you fucking real?!
NC (voiceover): Did the Kilberman show just canceled at this time? Harvey Korman is in this like five separate scenes and none of them funny!
Harvey Korman: OK. Let's begin now, shall we?
NC (voiceover): SO if you thought this special couldn't possibley get anym more boring, Harvey Korman, pretending to be a robot, I guess, demonstrates how to put together a transmitter. Yes. They show you everyting. Signal, solitary, STOP!
Harvey Korman: Thank you, for selecting our brand of mini transmitter. If you assemble it properly, following the instruction that I am about to give you,
NC, with his chin resting on his hand, watches the instruction with boredom.
Harvey Korman: It will provide many years of fun. First, in a consealed package there are all tool you need.
NC watches the instruction with anger and boredom.
Harvey Korman (voiceover): It looks like this.
NC: Why is this interesting?
Harvey Korman: Try not to rip it open, because it is a handy storage case for your tools until you need then again.
NC: How is this entertaining?
Harvey Korman: This is the first thing you'll need. Please be careful not to hurt yourself with sharp end. Ouch.
NC: My god. I actually become stupider while I am watching it!
Harvey Korman: Find the circuit breaker module...
NC: Here goes my college education!
Harvey Korman: Let's start calling these parts by their proper name...
NC: There goes whatever 5 times 5 equals!
Harvey Korman: Every one of this ten thousand terminals are your circuit breaker module, and it is marked in particular color...
NC: There went my name! Don't remember anymore.
Harvey Korman: These must be connected to the wires with corresponding colors...
NC: There went the ability to control my bowels.
Horrible sounds can be heard.
NC: I am stupid now. I don't even care.