Star Wars Holiday Special

NC Star Wars Christmas by MaroBot.jpg

Date Aired
December 22nd, 2009
Running Time
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Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it-

NC suddenly rises from his chair and starts running out of the house as though someone is chasing after him. He falls down in his doorsteps and pants. His face changes color, as he realizes he can't escape from the inevitable.

NC: I can't escape it, can I? (camera shakes left and right, meaning "No") I have to go through with it, don't I? (camera shakes up and down, meaning "Yes". NC sobs) All right, here we go. The Star Wars Holiday Special.

Footage of Star Wars Holiday Special

NC (voiceover): The rumors were true, people. In 1978, an actual Christmas special was released under the Star Wars name. And it's not like they just got some of the supporting actors be in it. No, they got the whole freaking cast: Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, James Earl Jones, the works. And not only that, it has guest stars, like Art Carney, Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur. Because like most people, when you think Star Wars, you fucking think Bea Arthur. This special has never re-aired, and to this day, George Lucas has apparently gone out of his way to make sure that nobody sees it.

NC: So just to recap, this is the guy who said this (Jar Jar Binks) is okay and this (Howard The Duck) is okay, which means this (Star Wars Holiday Special) is the project that he was personally ashamed of. Let me go over that again. (The slides are shown again) Okay, okay, personally ashamed of.

NC: There are not enough toilets in the world to contain the amount of shit-spewing fear that I am going through right now. But, spirit of Christmas, I feel I owe it to you to give the audience a gift to review this... (grimaces) heinous special!

A few moments of silence.

NC: Begin.

The special begins.

NC (voiceover): So we see Han Solo and Chewbacca fighting off the stock footage from the first movie, as they try to make playful banter.

Han Solo: I'll get you back there in time, pal, trust me.

Chewbacca growls.

Han Solo: That's the spirit! You'll be celebrating Life Day before you know it!

NC: Life what?

Han Solo: You'll be celebrating Life Day before you know it!

NC: Life Day? What the hell is Life Day?

NC (voiceover): Yes, perhaps I should have rephrased this title a bit. It's not really a Christmas special, as much as it is a Holiday special. Christmas isn't even mentioned. Instead, we get a Wookiee holiday known as Life Day, a holiday probably invented by Jawa advertisers to make more money. We then cut to a beautiful matte painting where Chewbacca's family lives.

A small child Wookiee appears.

NC (voiceover): Why, who's that cute little hunk of armpit hair? I'm guessing it's Chewbacca's son. But it's sort of hard to tell, considering that they never speak English!

Scenes of Wookiees in their house and roaring sounds they make continues.

NC (voiceover): Oh, my God. We're gonna have to listen to this throughout the entire special, aren't we? If you thought Chewbacca's roar got annoying at times, try a fucking choir of it!

Roaring sounds of Wookiees continues although we cut to NC.

NC: Well, I do believe that, yeah. My ears are bleeding. Thank you, special. My ears are bleeding. Five minutes in, ears bleeding. Thank you.

The Wookiee scenes continue, with them continuing to roar throughout.

NC (voiceover): How about SOME SUBTITLES, YOU JERKS?! It's bad enough we have to listen to them belch their lives, but we can't even understand what they are saying!

A subtitle made by NC appears in the bottom of the screen.

Wookiee #1: Junior! Come over here and eat your yak testicles!

Wookiee #2: They taste like diarrhea. I wish I was adopted!

Wookiee #1: You were adopted! You're just a Sand Person we glued hair on to! Now eat your dinner, you abomination!

NC (voiceover): Seriously, it's like watching a Wookiee Reality Show! Where's the lasers? Where are the starships? Is the hairball equivalent of Norman Rockwell really the only thing we're gonna get?

Two Wookiees walk toward a table.

NC (voiceover): What do you think the script for this look like? Do you think it actually explained anymore of what's going on?

NC: Believe it or not, I actually have the copy of the screenplay right here! Let's see what it says.

We see NC reading a random page of the script. On the script we can see the following, and this goes on for the rest of the page.

Wookiee #1: Roar!

Wookiee #2: Roar!

Wookiee #1: Roar!

Wookiee #2: Roar!

Begin Bea Arthur Striptease

Wookiee #1: Roar!

NC closes the script

NC: (slow-motion) DO SOMETHING!!!!!!

Small colorful hologram figures appear and dance on the table while Wookiees watch them.

NC (voiceover): OK, what's this? All right, you're halfway there, special. You're, in fact, doing something. But how about something that actually makes sense? (Two dancers are shown flipping alongside each other) Whoa! Who's doing the 69 assault there?

The dancing parade of the figures on the table goes on.

NC (voiceover, sighing): I have no idea what's going on. It's like watching the Star Wars prequels.

Dancing of the figures ends.

NC (voiceover): So if you're following the story OK, and trust me, I know you are, we learn that they have to contact Luke Skywalker to find out what's keeping Chewbacca so long.

Luke is shown, with a slightly different appearance.

Luke Skywalker: Oh, he's not there yet. Is that it?

NC: Whoa, when did Skywalker turn into a Ken doll?

NC (voiceover): I mean, look at him! He looks like a store mannequin. Was the twelve year old tomboy look just in at the time?

Luke Skywalker: He and Han left here on schedule. He's not there now, they're way overdue.

NC (voiceover, mimicking Luke Skywalker): Well, that just perms my hair!

Luke Skywalker: Come on. Don't look so worried. Now, Chewie's not gonna want to come home to a house full of long faces, is he? C'mon, Malla, let's see a little smile.

Malla the Wookiee struggles to smile, confusing and disgusting NC.

Luke Skywalker: Come on. (Malla smiles) That's better.

NC: Okay, a Wookiee smiling should be outlawed.

NC (voiceover): So one of the Wookiees, I guess, turns on a cooking show, where we see...oh, my God!

Weird-Looking Host: Wonderful! Just adds that touch of frequency.

NC: Harvey Korman, no!

NC (voiceover): Who the hell designed that thing? He looks like a mix between Cinderella's stepmother and that robot maid from The Jetsons!

Host: So it's stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir!

NC's head rotates as he sees the cooking show woman repeating "Stir, whip" over and over again.

Host: Let's try it again. Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir!

The host's "Stir, whip!" continues for a long time as NC becomes more hysterical and is unable to take this any longer.

Host: Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir, beat! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir, beat! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! Whaa!

NC: ENOUGH! Goddamn it, enough! What the fuck?! HOW is this entertainment?! What was the intended age group for this? Ages dead to one?!

We cut to the scene of Han Solo and Chewbacca in the middle of a battle with TIE Fighters.

NC (voiceover): No! Please! Go back to the cooking! I don't want to see all this sci-fi action! I want to see how the fucking dinner turns out!

Chewbacca growls.

Han Solo: You can say that again. This is one Life Day we won't soon forget.

NC (voiceover): Have you ever noticed they never actually acknowledge what Life Day is? I mean, my guess is it's a celebration of life, but what does that entail? What's the history of it? How long has it been around? It's not even much of holiday special if you don't explain the goddamn holiday!

We cut back to the Wookiee family.

NC (voiceover): Oh, good! We're back to the Wookiees. That was about, what, 20 seconds of Harrison Ford you just saw there? You know, when you hire the cast of Star Wars, we expect to see the cast of Star Wars, not these walking dog anuses all day. (The Wookiee roars) Yeah, the dialogue is still riveting.

Art Carney appears in the house.

NC (voiceover): Why, if it isn't Art Carney! And, yes. I double checked, I know it's really him. I guess he's helping the Rebels and their battle against the Empire, and Chewie's family are friends of the resistance.

Art Carney: Why all the long hairy faces? I made it through the Imperial patrol, didn't I?

Little Wookiee (voiced by NC, impersonating Gary Coleman): Whachoo talkin' 'bout, Carney?

Art Carney: And now for the lovely lady of the house!

NC (voiceover): That was a lady the whole time?

Art Carney: Happy Life Day! (To grandpa Wookiee) I'll insert this proton pack. I thought you might like this. One of those that... it's a real... it's kind of hard to explain, it's a, uh... WOW.

NC: World of Warcraft?

NC (voiceover): So I think Grandpa Wookiee enters the Matrix or something as we see him enter some kind of machine as where watches.. Wookiee sperm. Yeah. That sounds about right.

A woman with a revealing outfit appears in the machine and talks in a whispering and soothing tone that echos everytime.

Woman: I exist for you, I am in your mind, as you create me. Ooooh, yes! Oh, ooooooh, we are excited, aren't we?

NC seems perplexed and disgusted. Grandpa Wookiee roars.

Woman: Relax. Just relax. Now, we can have a good time, can't we?

NC: Is... this a traditional Life Day pastime?

Woman: I am your fantasy. I am your experience. Experience me...

NC: This is wrong. This is... a Holocaust of wrong.

Woman: I am your pleasure. So enjoy me...

NC (as the woman): I know you like it shaved. This is what Wookiees look like without all our fur!

Cut to an extreme close-up of Grandpa Wookiee. He roars.

NC (voiceover): Eww, why can't we see Grandpa's hands?!

Woman: This is our moment together in time that we might turn this moment into an eternity.

NC (voiceover; enraged): What is up with this special?! First of all, would you ever look at this and say 'Oh, yeah! Star Wars! I can tell right away!'? Hell! Would you even connect it to a holiday special? Second, are humans just the most attractive creatures in the universe? I mean, (still of...) you got Jabba putting Leia in that slave outfit, and now, you got a Wookiee jerking off to this chick!

NC: How many inner species love nests are there?!

We cut to the scene of Leia and C3PO investigating something in a poorly made set.

NC (voiceover): Oh, good! Because this special wasn't gay enough already.

Leia (To Wookiee family via contacting device): Could you do me a favor and send either Chewbacca or Han Solo to the screen, please?

Lady Wookiee roars.

C3PO: She says that she would like to grant your request, but is quite unable to do so.

Leia: You mean they haven't arrived yet?

The Wookiee roars.

C3PO: She says there has been no contact.

NC (voiceover): You know, I never figured out how the stupid translations in this world work. How come the Wookiee can understand the English that Leia is speaking but can't manage to speak in herself? Is it because their lips don't make O sounds?

Leia: The Imperial patrol must be giving them more trouble than we bargained for.

NC (voiceover, mimicking Leia): Good thing I'm the leader of the club that's made for you and me.

Leia: Malla, are you alone?

The Wookiee roars.

NC (voiceover): But all might be okay. They hear a ship landing outside and assume it must be Chewbacca.

But several Stormtroopers and Empirie patrols enter the house and corner the Wookiees.

Nelson (from The Simpsons): Ha-ha!

NC (voiceover, as a Imperial soldier, mimicking a German accent): They hear you've been hiding Jewish Ewoks!

NC (voiceover): So the Empire drops in because they suspect the Wookiees of wrongdoing.

Art Carney (To Imperials): Wookiee food isn't the greatest, but I'm sure that I can whip you up something in the kitchen that we can all eat. You don't mind, do you, Malla? (Speaks in a fast manner) Malla, will you come in the kitchen and help me?!

NC: What?

Art Carney: Malla, will you come in the kitchen and help me?!

NC: Isn't that Hawaii's way of saying Merry Christmas to you?

NC (voiceover): So Carney tries to distract the Stormtroopers by playing, get this, a music video.

"Light the Sky on Fire", performed by Jefferson Starship is played.

NC (voiceover): Wow! They don't have holidays celebrating Jesus in galaxies far, far away, but they sure do have Jefferson Starship singing a love song into a dildo.

Song continues to go on.

NC (voiceover): God! It's like the special got bored of itself, and so it decided to change the channel to VH1 for you!

The music video finally ends and we cut to the Wookiees, Art Carney and Imperial patrol but none of them ever talks about what just happened.

NC seems tired when <Big Lipped Alligator Moment> is about to appear.

NC: Don't, don't use that. If you point them all out, we're gonna be here all night.

NC (voiceover): So after...(sighs) six minutes of nothing but that song, we finally get to see some action packed, laser shooting sci-fi adventure with our main heroes. cartoon form. God! I would punch this special in the nads if I could!

Leia: Luke, take R2 with you.

NC (voiceover): It's not even a good cartoon either, it's like if Dragon's Lair melted.

Luke: Falcon, come in, Falcon. It's Chewie! But where's Han?

NC (As Luke): And where are my nostrils, for that matter?

Leia: Whatever he's doing, there must be a reason!

Man: He's on a collision course. They're in mortal danger...

NC: Actually, it is me or the animation is done by the same numbnuts who did those horrible Zelda CD games?*

Scene from Link: The Faces of Evil

Gwonam: These are the faces of EVIL!

(*Actually, the special's animated segment was done by Nelvana, while the CD-i games were made by Philips and Animation Magic.)

Luke lands on a planet and comes out of his ship, while we can see a giant monster coming behind him.

C-3PO: What are you going, sir?

Luke: To see if I can locate the Falcon by visual sighting. Maybe it's close by.

NC: Oh, no! We landed in Bedrock!

NC (voiceover): The only thing that people really seem to remember about this cartoon is that Boba Fett - some character who got, like, a ton of popularity for some reason - actually made his first appearance here.

Boba Fett appears and defeats the monster.

Boba Fett: It will be easy to find the ship you seek. Follow me, friend.

NC (voiceover): But who cares? Everyone else looks like a McDonalds character, so it's not like his coolness factor is going to save anything.

C3PO: I'm afraid, sir, because you said Boba is a friend, and...

NC (voiceover): Wait a minute, why does C-3PO blink? And what's the purpose?!

C-3PO and R2-D2 see the conversation between Darth Vader and Boba Fett on screen.

Darth Vader (on screen): I want them alive. Now that you've got their trust, they may take you to their new base. I see why they call you the best bounty hunter in the galaxy.

NC (voiceover): And that was one, two, three lines we got out of James Earl Jones and nothing else. Real nice. You can't even keep the villain in the recording studio for four fucking minutes!

We see animated version of Chewie and Han Solo.

NC (voiceover): Argh! Why does Solo look like Richard Gere's crinkled up caricature?

C-3PO: Chewbacca suspected all along there was something bad about Boba.

Luke Skywalker: How did you know, Chewie?

C-3PO: He just didn't smell right.

Everyone, including Luke Skywalker and Han Solo, laughs.

NC (voiceover): Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Not funny!

Darth Vader: May the Force be with you.

The cartoon ends and we see little Wookiee clapping.

NC (voiceover): Oh, please! Don't come back to the plot now! There must be something else you can watch or put on to waste our time!

Little Wookiee turns on a digital instruction manual. Thus we see another time killing video.

Woman: This instruction cassette provided by the manufacturer.

NC bangs his head on his table.

Woman: This product was packed under strict...

NC (voiceover): An instruction video. They're actually showing us an instruction video. Are you fucking real?! Was The Carol Burnett Show just cancelled at this time? Harvey Korman is in, like, five separate scenes and none of them funny!

Korman: Now, let's get started, shall we?

NC (voiceover): So if you thought this special couldn't possibly get any more boring, Harvey Korman, pretending to be a robot, I guess, demonstrates how to put together a transmitter. And, yes. They show you every. Single. Solitary. STEP!!!

Korman: Thank you for selecting our brand of mini transmitter. If you assemble it properly, following the instructions I am about to give you...

NC, with his chin resting on his hand, watches the instruction with boredom.

Korman: will provide many years of fun. First, find the sealed package containing all the tools you'll need.

NC watches the instruction with anger and boredom.

Korman (voiceover): It looks like this.

NC: Why is this interesting?

Korman: Try not to rip it open, because it makes a very handy storage case for your tools until you need then again.

NC: How is it entertaining?

Korman: This is the first thing you'll need. Please be careful not to hurt yourself on the sharp edges. Ouch.

NC: My God. I actually getting stupider while I'm watching this!

Korman: Find the circuit breaker module...

NC: There goes my college education.

Korman: Let's start calling these components by their proper names...

NC: There goes whatever 5 times 5 equals.

Korman: Every one of the ten thousand terminals are in your circuit breaker module. It is marked in a particular color...

NC: There went my name. Don't remember it anymore.

Korman: These must be connected to the wires with the corresponding colors...

NC: There went the ability to control my bowels.

Said bowels can be heard soiling his pants.

NC: I'm stupid now. I don't even care.

Harvey Korman: We'd better turn our attention to the assembly of the impulse devoice translator.

NC (voiceover): Is there a video telling you how to make a goddamn Christmas special? Because that's the one you goddamn need!

Harvey Korman malfunctions and the instruction video ends.

NC (voiceover): So, finally, after that long drawn out horseshit is over, what do they cut to next?

Imperial patrol are watching a video.

Announcer on a screen: Time now for Life on Tatooine.



NC (voiceover): So, now we cut to Tatooine life! Because the Wookiee life was just so fucking engaging that we needed another one to butt in!

We cut to the Kantina of Tatooine.

A customer: Hello, Ackmena.

He gives Ackmena (the bartender) flowers.

Ackmena: OK. We'll do it your way. Hello. Now I'll do it my way. What'll it be?

NC: Wow, those two guys sound really alike.

NC (voiceover): Actually, that's Bea Arthur as the bartender. And the guy is, here's a shocker: Harvey Korman! Haven't seen him in the past five minutes of torture!

Ackmena: If you're saying what I think you're saying you felt you meant I thought you needed to hear, then I just have one thing to say, I did not.

NC (voiceover): Now, actually, to Bea Arthur's credit, she seems to be like the only one who's actually trying in this whole damn thing. I mean, she just has the role of bartender, but I'm actually a million times more interested in what happens in this stupid bar than I am in the rest of the universe.

Ackmena: Gentlemen, I guess you didn't hear what I said! The Empire has closed us down! All right. We'll have one more round. This one's on the house.

NC: Oh, that's weird. This whole intergalactic Empire is concerned with just closing down this bar? I mean, don't they have more important things to do?

We cut to the scene of Darth Vader meeting the Emperor in Return Of The Jedi. Instead, the dialogue is dubbed by Rob Walker.

Emperor: You've done well, Lord Vader. And now I sense we must focus all of our Forces to crush this tiny Cantina on Tatooine.

Darth Vader: What of the reports of the Rebel fleet massing near Sulust?

Empire: It is of no concern. Soon, the Cantina will be crushed and Bea Arthur will be one of us!

Darth Vader and Emperor walk in silence for a few seconds.

Darth Vader: Why do we need Bea Arthur...?

Emperor: Silence!

NC (voiceover): So she has to get everyone out of the bar, and if you can believe it, actually has a musical number.

Ackmena: It's not the end, friends! If you're a friend, friend.

Greedo is shown in the crowd of dancers.

NC (voiceover): Wait a minute, isn't that Greedo? Huh! I guess he did shoot first.

Ackmena: Try stopping by, friends, if there's a light in the place!

NC (voiceover): Actually, and I hate to say this, but this song sequence actually isn't that bad. Maybe it's because everything else is so horrible by comparison, but I actually feel really sad that her bar is closing. She's the only character I kind of like in all this, and maybe the idea of closing a bar that can supply me alcohol during all of this makes me kind of emotional.

Ackmena: You know I'm here, friend. Is that a tear, friend? In your eye?

NC (voiceover): In fact, you know what? This whole special should have been about her! Yes! This special would have been better if it was focused on Bea Arthur as a singing bartender in a Cantina on Tatooine! That's how low we've gotten, people! That's how low we've gotten.

Ackmena closes the bar and looks around the empty Cantina. NC wipes his tears.

NC: I'm sorry, Bea. I liked your place. It was a nice looking place.

As Ackmena approaches her usual bartender position, Harvey Korman pops out and gives her flowers.

NC: Aw...

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a roaring face of a Wookiee pops on the screen. NC is startled.

NC: Goddamn it! The fucking Wookiees!

NC (voiceover): I hope you get stuck in a drain pipe!

Han Solo and Chewie finally come to the house.

NC (voiceover): But both Chewbacca and Han Solo finally come in to try and save the day.

Han Solo takes the gun from one of the Stormtroopers but drops it. The Stormtrooper trips over his own gun and falls down, screaming.

NC (voiceover): Wow! That's like the most accident-prone Stormtrooper I've ever seen. I mean, tripping over your own gun? How do you think he'd do in a real battle?

NC (mimicking the Stormtrooper with a dumb voice): Oh, hey, look! Rebels!

NC shoots himself in the head.

Han Solo: How are you? Mala!

He hugs the lady Wookiee.

Han Solo: Mala, I'd love to, but I can't. I got to get back to the Falcon before someone stumbles across...

NC (voiceover, mimicking Harrison Ford): Yeah, they're paying me by the minute, so I can't be here for long.

Han Solo: You're like... family... to me.

NC: A very distant, rarely seen family.

NC (voiceover): So I guess the Wookiees hold up some sort of sparkling snow globes as they're suddenly teleported through a bright heavenly light.

The scene of four Wookiees holding the globes overlaps with the music video for Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody".

Queen: Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

A line of Wookiees goes into a giant ball of light. Then a temple filled with Wookiees who are wearing red long robes can be seen.

NC (voiceover): God, I need booze. We're then seen inside a room with.. Oh, Jesus. More screeching Wookiees?

The roaring of Wookies becomes larger and larger. NC screams.

NC (voiceover): God! They sound like humpback whales getting their dicks chopped off!

NC: Why are they even wearing those silly robes? Is it a Wookiee chorus? Are they gonna sing Christmas carols? No, no. Don't do it. Don't do it!

All of the Wookiees sing "We Wish You A Merry Christmas". NC block his ears and screams.

C-3PO: It is indeed true that at times like this, R2 and I wish that we were more than just mechanical beings... (R2 beeps) ...and were really alive so that we could share your feelings with you.

NC (mimicking C-3PO): Because as a machine, this seems quite unbearable to us!

NC (voiceover): So all the cast shows up as Princess Leia does her best British impression for the entire crowd.

Leia: This holiday is yours, where we all share with you the hope that this day brings us closer to freedom and to harmony and to peace. No matter how different we appear, we're all the same in our struggle against the powers of evil and darkness.

NC: Did I mentioned she started doing drugs during this special?

Leia: This is the promise of the Tree of Life.

After finishing her sentence, Leia sings to the tune of the Star Wars theme.

NC: OH, GOD, NO! Not a cheesy Life Day song, please!

Leia continues to sing.

NC: No more! No more! I can't take it! This is the worst! This is the worst Christmas special ever!

Leia is still singing.

NC: Stop it! Stop it! PLEASE!

Leia: A day that takes us through the darkness...

NC: Help me! Somebody help me!

Leia: A day that leads us into light...

NC: Help me, (picture of) Santa! Help me, (picture of) Jesus Christ! Help me... SANTA CHRIST!

Suddenly, the door opens and a person in white clothes, with Santa's beard, glasses, and hat enters the room. The "Santa Christ" song by Michael "Skitch" Schiciano begins.

Santa Christ: Ho, ho, ho!

NC: Santa Christ?

Santa Christ: Don't worry, Critic! I'll save you!

Santa Christ shoots his Unlimited Power to destroy the Critic's DVD-R copy of the special.

NC: Wow! Thanks, Santa Christ!

Santa Christ: Not at all, Critic! Now hold still!

Santa Christ puts his hands on NC's chest. A light shines and a choir of angels can be heard for a second.

NC: What did you do?

Santa Christ: I just cured your diabetes!

NC: I had diabetes? I didn't even know I had diabetes!

Santa Christ: Now you don't now. Ho, ho, ho! And now, as a special gift, I'm going to wipe your mind clean of this horrible holiday special!

Santa Christ flips his finger once.

NC: It worked! I don't even remember what we were talking about!

Santa Christ: Indeed! Ho, ho, ho!

Santa smiles and laughs towards the camera.

Santa Christ: Alrighty, then, Critic! Now, Santa Christ has to get back on my rocket ship.

NC: Santa Christ has a rocket ship?

Santa Christ: And a Harley!

NC: Oh, you kick ass!

Santa Christ: I know! Ho, ho, ho!

NC: You're just so gosh darn wonderful. I, I love you, Santa Christ!

SC's song continues as we see Santa Christ and NC hug each other and say goodbye. Then pictures corresponding to the lyrics of the song can be seen.

Singers: Santa Christ, Santa Christ! We all love Santa Christ! He is Santa and Jesus, goddamn, he's Santa Christ! He atoned for all our sins, but he also likes pancakes. He saved puppies from a fire, and he also likes pancakes. He played bass for Aerosmith, reads to sick orphans, too. He goes surfing in space, and makes really good fondue. He shoots lasers from his eyes, knit your curtains for free. He fights monsters for fun, and hangs out with Mr. T. Santa Christ, Santa Christ, Santa Christ, Santa Christ! You are the best, and we love you, Santa Christ!

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