Star Wars 3-D #1
February 11, 2013
The Double Feature finale to the "Guns and Sorcery" Storyline!
Dr. Insano: (speaking through a microphone) You may remember me as your former president, America. After I was impeached... and really, how was I supposed to know that prostitute was a cop? ...I began dreaming of something bigger and better: conquest of the ENTIRE WORLD! (cackles)
(Cut to Linkara on Comicron 1, where he is from last time)
Linkara: Nimue, deploy Neutro's shutdown sequence!
Nimue: Shutdown sequence has been deployed. The system is not responding.
(Cut back to Insano, who giggles)
Dr. Insano: You may also recall the most powerful robot ever built: Neutro! It's been out of my hands for a while now, but not anymore! The world's governments will surrender to me, or I will level your cities! Although, I might just do that anyway! (cackles)
(Cut back to Comicron 1)
Harvey Finevoice: How the hell did that psycho get a hold of Neutro?!
Linkara: I'd sure as hell like to know! Nimue, you're supposed to monitor Neutro's security along with everything else!
Nimue: This unit has been severely overtaxed this last year. Along with random malfunctions across Comicron 1, the continued observations of several individuals, regular maintenance, and searches for the previously-unidentified Gunslinger have forced this unit to relax certain security measures in order to stay functional.
Dr. Linksano: (speaking over the computer) He could have been planning this for months! Ever since he discovered you lost your magic, Linkara...
(Cut to Dr. Linksano)
Dr. Linksano: ...if he had enough patience, he could have hacked into Neutro's systems, overridden its security protocols, and gotten into it without any of us ever noticing!
(Cut back to Linkara)
Linkara: Then we've got to stop him before he does any more damage. Nimue, charge the forward lance. (clenches fist) Slice that robot in half!
(Neutro is hit with a laser blast, but it has no effect at all)
Nimue: Neutro robot is undamaged. It appears to have an energy shield.
Linkara: Insano has been busy. Neutro never had an energy shield before.
Nimue: We are being hailed by enemy robot.
Linkara: On screen! (crosses arms)
(Cut back to Dr. Insano)
Dr. Insano: So, Linka– (stops as he realizes his microphone is on; he drops it) So, Linkara, how's that whole "magic not working anymore" thing working out for you?
Linkara: My magic was restored a few months ago, Insano! Surrender now, and I won't use it to send your ass to Hell!
Dr. Insano: (nervously) Oh, it's back, is it? That sucks. (confidently again) But still, doesn't matter! I've equipped Neutro with a negator! And thanks to this energy shield, I don't think even a Blitzball is going to keep me from fulfilling my destiny!
Linkara: YOU'RE CRAZY, YOU BASTARD!!
Dr. Insano: (exasperated) Really? (points at Linkara) Well, in case you forgot, Neutro was (points to himself) mine to begin with, (points at Linkara again) and you stole it from me! And you didn't even vacuum in here or dust or put in an air freshener or anything. But it doesn't matter, because I'll clear the air myself – WITH LASER BEAMS! (cackles)
(Having had enough of Dr. Insano's ranting, Linkara angrily slams his hand down on the communication button on the computer, shutting off Insano)
Linkara: Can you beam me down there?
Nimue: Teleportation systems are unable to penetrate enemy robot shields.
Linkara: Can we get through to AngryJoe? Maybe get some reinforcements?
Nimue: AngryJoe Army station is currently orbiting the other side of the planet. It would take several hours to maneuver into location on thrusters and several hours to return to optimal teleport position.
(Cut to Dr. Linksano)
Dr. Linksano: (holds up index finger) I can get through that shield (clenches fist) in less than an hour, Linkara! I promise it!
Linkara: Then do so. Till then, there's only thing I can do: gather my thoughts – with a comic book.
(Cut to black for several seconds as a dramatic sting plays, then cue the AT4W title sequence; title card has the iconic Star Wars theme playing in the background)
Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. At this point... well, what can I really say about Star Wars?
(Footage of the Star Wars series is shown)
Linkara (v/o): It's Star Wars! Everyone under the sun has talked about it! We've seen people deconstruct the prequels and find everything that's wrong with them, we've lampooned and parodied the original trilogy, we've made the jokes, we've seen the Turkish and Brazilian Star Wars, so what am I bringing to the discussion?
Linkara: Well, how about being the guy that doesn't like Star Wars as much as others?
Linkara (v/o): Now, don't get me wrong: I don't hate Star Wars. I love the movies, and even if I think the prequels suck, I still got a lot of entertainment value out of RiffTrax making fun of them, or the Plinkett reviews heavily deconstructing them. But the thing is that in the classic battle between Star Trek and Star Wars, I'm firmly in the Star Trek camp.
(Footage of the Star Trek series of movies is shown)
Linkara (v/o): I think Star Trek overall is better written, more entertaining, and generally just better than it. I grew up playing Star Trek games, watching Star Trek on TV, wanting to be my own Starship captain. I can check that one off the list at least.
(More footage of the Star Wars series is shown)
Linkara (v/o): Star Wars has great, enjoyable, quotable movies... that didn't have as much of an impact on me as Star Trek did. As such, I'm much more detached from the Star Wars franchise and why I'm able to say that, when you get right down to it, Star Wars is really kind of stupid. A bunch of religious zealots that use an invisible, magical energy field run around with laser swords, while little troll puppets dispense pearls of wisdom. Some asshole with a bucket on his head saunters up while obeying the commands of Evil Von Evilton, and a giant slug is somehow a gangster commanding lots of loyalty, despite the fact that he could easily be assassinated by just shooting him in his drooling face a few times from thirty feet away. Princesses engage in resistance movements to overthrow empires, robots that nobody can understand are brought along on dangerous missions on terrain that they're not designed for, and subsequently, inefficiently-designed gold robots somehow are main characters, even though they have no functions on missions. Single planets are also moons that have a full, single ecosystem encompassing the entire planet, yet retain a completely breathable atmosphere. And somehow, it's better to have a planet-destroying weapon, even though destroying entire planets is probably bad for morale and the economy.
Linkara: But then again, other people think differently and could just as well point out different things that Star Trek has about it that are stupid and absurd. It's the great thing about nerd culture, our ability to converse intelligently about the things we love.
Linkara (v/o): Plus, let's face it: superhero comics are kind of absurd, too, when you get right down to it, possessing just as much ludicrous, absurd and moronic elements to them, yet I absolutely love superheroes.
Linkara: The point is that, yeah, I like Star Wars fine. I just don't get as overly emotional about it as other people. I got more upset that the 2009 Star Trek movie had the Enterprise being built on the ground than I did about Han not shooting first.
Linkara (v/o): But I get it. I get the rage and I get the love. We're all geeks together, and we'll poke fun and nitpick to our hearts' content. I'm cautiously optimistic about the upcoming Disney trilogy. They seem to be making all the right choices, the first being don't let George Lucas write or direct. And even if they do screw it up, we'll just have new fodder for jokes.
Linkara: Aaaand speaking of fodder for jokes, did you know that there were Star Wars comics?
(Shots of Star Wars comics are shown)
Linkara (v/o): Oh, yeah, just like every popular franchise, Star Wars has multiple runs from multiple companies. Marvel had a rather bizarre run back around the time of A New Hope; Dark Horse has had critically lauded – and critically panned – series. Hell, for a while, I was considering having my first proper Star Wars comic review to be from Dark Horse's run that explains why Jedi aren't allowed to fall in love.
Linkara: (sotto voce) Spoilers: the reason is really, really stupid.
(Cut to a shot of today's comic: "Star Wars 3-D #1")
Linkara (v/o): But then there's what we've got today: "Star Wars 3-D #1", coming at us from Blackthorne Publishing. You may remember Blackthorne as being responsible for another 3-D comic I've reviewed...
(Cut to shots of that comic...)
Linkara (v/o): ..."The California Raisins 3-D". If you don't remember that review, go and watch it again. But it's important to note that the 3-D in that comic was utter balls. It didn't create any effect at all and was hard on the eyes, like most 3-D is anyway. The good news is that the 3-D in this comic is actually a lot better. It's still pretty shallow in most places and completely unnecessary for dialogue balloons, but it does actually work in most spots. There will be sequences where there are characters in the front, characters in the background, and the anaglyph 3-D actually does what it's supposed to do and separates them.
Linkara: (wearing a pair of 3-D glasses) However, since the panels are going to be moving around in this review anyway, I would suggest you not watch this one with 3-D glasses. Trust me, like The Phantom Menace in 3-D, it does not make things any better. Let's dig into (holds up today's comic) "Star Wars 3-D #1".
(Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover)
Linkara (v/o): The cover's decent, if a bit crowded. The "Star Wars 3-D" logo is way too big and takes up a whole third of the thing. The middle has this scene full of aliens and Han Solo punching someone, Luke having his lightsaber out – though the health of the thing looks a bit larger than normal; maybe that's just me – and Chewbacca lifting this guy over his head. Chewbacca seems the worst rendered, since now he kind of looks like Bigfoot.
Linkara: (holding up his fist) One day I'm gonna get that Wookie!
(Cut briefly to some Star Wars-type ending credits, displaying the director as being Irvin Kershner and the producer as being Gary Kurtz; cut back to the comic's cover)
Linkara (v/o): The story, while being published in 1987, seems to be set shortly after the first movie and is also apparently a "10th anniversary series".
Linkara: Man, were they ahead of the curve! It took the 35th anniversary for the studios to release crappy 3-D Star Wars material and then cancel it.
Linkara (v/o): We open (voice echoes) IN SPAAAAAACE!
Narrator: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away--
Linkara: (as narrator) In a sepia-toned galaxy...
Narrator: The stars stretch-- then scream--
Linkara: (as narrator) The stars were really not ready for their yoga session.
Narrator: --as the fugitive freighter Millennium Falcon makes the jump in from lightspeed-- to find it has unwanted company!
Linkara: (as narrator) And they're too polite to ask them to leave.
Linkara (v/o): So, yeah, a bunch of TIE Fighters are attacking the Millennium Falcon. Hey, what the hell are these fighters doing all the way out here without a mothership? Or is that another Death Star back there? Would explain the grid lines on the planet.
Han Solo: (onboard) We can't outrun 'em, kid! We're gonna have t'stand and fight!
Linkara: Well, considering we've seen the Millennium Falcon's gunner ports, I'm pretty sure you mean sit and fight.
Linkara (v/o): As Luke and Han Solo separate to go to the gunner ports of the Falcon, C-3PO offers this helpful comment...
C-3PO: Oh, dear me-- why didn't I stay behind with Artoo?
Linkara: Because it wouldn't be Star Wars without some kind of annoying comic relief.
Linkara (v/o): Although, that is a good question: what the hell is C-3PO doing here? And why wasn't R2-D2 brought along? Whatever they're doing, the little trashcan has proven a hell of a lot more useful than the robot who knows what order the forks are supposed to be laid out.
Han: (addressing a TIE Fighter) Hey, we're the guys who destroyed the Empire's precious Death Star, remember?
Linkara: Yeah, and then they turned right around and built a new one. Then again...
(Cut to a clip of the movie Contact, showing Ellie Arroway watching a machine with a video feed on it)
S.R. Hadden (John Hurt): (on video feed) First rule in government spending: why build one when you can have two at twice the price?
(Cut back to the comic)
Luke Skywalker: Nice shooting, Han-- but after a target like the Death Star's exhaust port-- shooting the fighters* is a snap!
- NOTE: Luke actually says, "TIE Fighters", not "the fighters".
Linkara: (as Luke) Did we mention that we destroyed the Death Star? We totally did. We really want to convince the audience that we did that.
TIE Fighter pilot: Concentrate fire on port and starboard def–
Linkara (v/o): Wait, is... is that a Star of David on that pilot's helmet?
(Cut to a clip of History of the World Part 1, showing a fleet of Star of David-shaped spaceships in space)
Background singers: We're Jews out in space! We're zooming along, protecting the Hebrew race...
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, the TIE Fighters keep outmaneuvering the Falcon, but they manage to get away by pulling a loop-the-loop and causing some of the fighters to crash into each other. After blasting another, Luke says Han can have the last one. However, when he tries to fire, it malfunctions.
Han: Miserable hunk of junk! Work, blast you!
Linkara: N-No, Han, you're flooding it. Give it a rest.
Linkara (v/o): After hitting it once more, though, it works and blasts the remaining TIE Fighter. By the way, it really goes to show how crappy the Empire's TIE Fighter are, considering a beaten-up old freighter is capable of taking out an entire squadron of them singlehandedly. They start making the calculations to light speed, and Han says it's not too late for Luke to change his mind and– OH, DEAR LORD, LUKE'S ARTWORK!! Aside from him looking nothing like Mark Hamill, the perspective with the hand is not helping Luke appear less bulky. Dude's got really wide shoulders now. What's he doing with his hand, anyway? Is he trying to mind-trick Han? We cut back to Yavin 4, where the Rebels are trying to evacuate their base, since, well, even they destroyed the Death Star, the Empire probably knows where they are. Of course, they probably wouldn't have to do this in such a hurry...
(Cut to the ending of A New Hope, showing Luke and Han receiving medals from Princess Leia on Yavin)
Linkara (v/o): ...if they hadn't taken time out to make everyone stand in formation while giving medals to everybody but the Wookie, the racist bastards.
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): And of course, being such a well-organized rebellion, they don't actually have a backup base in mind and are hoping Luke and Han can help with that when they return.
Linkara: The sad part of all of this is that X-Wing pilot Porkins actually a really great place in mind for a new base before his tragic fate.
Linkara (v/o): The general wonders if the two will even return at all.
Leia: They haven't disappointed us yet, General.
Leia: What do you mean, R2 -- there's always a first time?
Linkara: I always like to think that R2-D2 is actually the most foul-mouthed jackass of the Star Wars universe.
Leia: Yes, I know, Artoo-- I'm worried about them, too!
Linkara: (gruff voice, presumably representing R2-D2) Lady, stop pretending you understand what I'm saying! I was telling you that hairstyle looks hideous on you!
Linkara (v/o): We cut back to the Falcon, which is, surprisingly enough, returning to Tatooine. Both Han and C-3PO express their distaste over being here.
Han: Don't know why you needed to come back here, kid--! This place is still the unadulterated armpit of the galaxy!
Linkara: (as Han) Plus, there's that whole "I owe lots of money to a giant worm" thing. (beat) Ah! (waves dismissively) That won't come back to bite me in the ass.
Luke: For the rest of you, maybe-- but I grew up here! I have a few loose ends to tie up before I can concentrate on the rebellion!
Linkara: Ohhhhh, really?! (snaps fingers)
(Cut to a clip of the movie, showing Luke addressing Obi-Wan Kenobi)
Luke: I'm going to come with you to Alderaan. There's nothing here for me now.
Obi-Wan: You'll have to sell your speeder.
Luke: That's okay. I'm never coming back to this planet again.
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara: Luke, I'm just saying that maybe you don't need to worry about changing your mailing address. And despite the fact that it was the same damn scene, the writer apparently remembered that Luke sold his original Landspeeder and had to borrow one from the Yavin base, although that does beg the question of what the rebellion needed with a Landspeeder on a forest moon.
C-3PO: Will the Millennium Falcon be safe here, Captain Solo?
Han: Safe as anything can be, Threepio...
Linkara (v/o): And by "safe", he means... uh, shooting at it. Maybe no one will try to steal the Falcon's stereo if it already looks beat up. Or maybe its galactic power locks. (power lock sound is heard) Actually, it turns out that Solo has a new trick up his sleeve
Han: ...once I've activated her new camouflage-webbing!
(Cut to a clip of The Empire Strikes Back)
Lorth Needa (Michael Culver): (about the Millennium Falcon) No ship that small has a cloaking device.
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): I love how this comic seems to have simultaneously seen and not seen Star Wars. It's an interesting dichotomy. Anyway, the group rides back to the desolated moisture farm of Luke's aunt and uncle. We see that their bodies have been buried, which makes me wonder if Luke just did it now...
(Cut to a clip of A New Hope, showing Luke's aunt and uncle's farm destroyed and nothing left of them but their charred skeletons)
Linkara (v/o): ...or if he actually dragged their still-smoking skeletons into the graves he dug. And with that thought in your head, just remember that this is the same franchise that gave us Jar Jar Binks.
(Back to the comic again)
Luke: Didn't realize coming back here would be so painful--!
Linkara: (wearing the 3-D glasses) Me neither, but for me, the painful part is (points to himself) my poor eyes.
Linkara (v/o): I will never understand the need for 3-D comics to also make the text 3-D, and this comic actually can't decide on it. Half the time, the text is just the darker red, and the other times, it's kind of a blurry mixture of blue and maroon.
(Editor's note: "It may not be as evident here with the scans, but the actual comic is blurry.")
Linkara (v/o): You really need to look closely to read it properly, and no, reading it with the 3-D glasses does not help. It actually seems to make it worse.
Luke: They murdered my Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen-- just because they bought a couple of droids!
Linkara: Well, sorry, Luke, but your aunt and uncle's credit card payments were way overdue, and the Empire's repo man can get a little overzealous.
Linkara (v/o): Luke realizes that this part of his life isn't over yet, that the moisture farm meant everything to his aunt and uncle, and he can't just abandon it.
Linkara: I wonder what part of Joseph Campbell's "Hero's Journey" this is supposed to be? Hero refuses call? Hero gains supernatural aid and loses said aid? Hero decides that he should really be a farmer? (shrugs)
Linkara (v/o): Han points out that the Empire would be able to find him in a second if he did that, although given their track record so far, I don't exactly trust that to be the case. However, Luke thinks he needs to find someone to take over the farm. Han tells him to just get over it, but Luke is dead set on his goal. Meanwhile, a Jawa comes across the cloaked ship, but apparently, it's not just a cloaking device, it's also an electric fence. The Jawa tries to push his stick into it, and the stick gets fried, causing it to flee. Back with our heroes...
Han: If anyone on this miserable dustball was even remotely interested in your folks' farm, they'd have claimed it by now!
Luke: The property still belongs to me, Han-- and I've been away!
Linkara: Oh, yeah, I bet that'd stop them. (looking offscreen, different voice) Hey! There's an awesome moisture farm down there that's clearly abandoned that I want to raid or make my own! But somebody still owns it. (clenches fist) Foiled again!
(Cut to Linkara back in his regular room on his futon)
Linkara: Hello, my friends. We'll be right back after these commercials with... (AT4W logo appears in corner as Linkara pauses) ...a commercial.
(Cut to black as we go to commercial; upon return, cut back to Linkara on his futon)
Linkara: If you donate to the Youngblood's Disease Foundation, you can receive this nifty t-shirt.
(He holds up a maroon t-shirt with a support ribbon on it and the name of the company: "Youngblood's Disease Foundation")
Linkara: But if this style is not to your liking, (puts down t-shirt) there are a number of other styles available, including (holds up a shirt with Pollo on it reading...) "Pollo Lives!" For this and many other options, please visit this link below.
(The following link appears at the base of the screen: ""; the AT4W appears in corner)
Linkara: And now, back to our show.
(The review resumes)
Linkara (v/o): Luke decides to trust the Force, which leads him to Mos Eisley Spaceport.
Han: Anyone you'd find here would as soon steal your farm as look at it!
Luke: Maybe so, Han-- but that's where I've got to go!
Linkara (v/o): Because you trust the Force, I guess? The same Force that had the brilliant wisdom...
(Cut to footage of Anakin Skywalker in Revenge of the Sith)
Linkara (v/o): ...letting a petulent teenager slaughter 90% of the Jedi Order, usher in an age of oppression, planet-killers, and got your mom killed by aforementioned teenager, or a broken heart, or something stupid like that. I'm just saying, the Force seems like a colossal dick that enjoys messing with you people.
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): They put on some robes to disguise themselves, as since there's still a price on their heads in the spaceport, and it's the logical disguise, seeing as, well, everybody in Star Wars wears robes. These people really need fashion consultants. At least in Star Trek, they always tried to update the uniforms to make them look different. Han asks where they're going.
Luke: To the cantina. I think the Force is strong there.
Linkara: (as Luke, clutching his temple) In fact, I'm sensing a very strong force from this (points offscreen) tequila bottle. I'd better drink it to be sure.
Linkara (v/o): Luke enters the bar and makes this horrifyingly creepy face. Aren't you so happy that you can see this face in 3-D? Luke senses a guy cradling a drink, and Han recognizes him.
Han: Do you have any idea who that monstrosity is, kid? That's Throgg, one of the nastiest spice smugglers in the system!
Linkara: (as Han) And he who controls the spice controls the universe!
Linkara (v/o): Luke, further demonstrating that he's the kind of guy who would get lost if you put a paper bag over his head, decides to go over to Throgg and chat with him.
Luke: Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?
Throgg: You see anyone? Throgg likes to drink alone!
Linkara: (as Throgg) Throgg also likes to speak in third-person. Throgg thinks it makes him endearing.
Linkara (v/o): Despite the threats that Throgg makes, Luke continues to talk to him and asks him if he has everything he wants.
Throgg: Throgg has all he needs -- good booze and a fast ship--!
Linkara: (holding up a bottle of alcohol and smiling) Preach on, brother!
Luke: Maybe you're satisfied, Throgg-- but are you at peace?
Throgg: Peace? What is peace?
(Cut to a clip of an episode of The Critic, showing Orson Welles and a pile of peas on his dinner table)
Orson Welles (Maurice LaMarche): Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness.
Linkara: (smiling) Oh, there are times when I love puns. But no, Throgg, peace is that thing that Palpatine said you guys would have in an over-the-top fashion.
Throgg: Once, long ago, Throgg was a farmer and was at peace with the land--
Linkara: So far, this has been less Star Wars and more Star Hippies.
Linkara (v/o): Then the Empire came and took away Throgg's farm-- and Throgg fled to the stars-- Since that day-- peace has only been a word.
Linkara: What the hell was this guy farming that the Empire felt the need to claim eminent domain on his ass?
Linkara (v/o): You know what else the Empire took? Proper artwork separation. The panel of him pouring a drink is overlaying part of the speech bubble and covering it up, mostly because of the 3-D effect. Luke hands the deed to the moisture farm over to him, because I guess he was just carrying that around. Throgg considers it for a second, but then crumples up the paper and tosses it away, because it's "too late" and he's "too old for this crap" and he's "seen too much" and blah, blah, blah. Unfortunately, tossing a piece of paper in a bar full of surly jerks was a bad idea, since it bounces on a walrus guy's head, which ends up causing a bar fight. Because it's fiction; you can't have characters enter a bar without some kind of fight breaking out. Threepio suggest ducking out, but Han and Chewie can't resist a good fight. Luke, once again showing off how S-M-R-T he is, says Han's name out loud, which gets people to recognize them. The group make a hasty retreat, with Luke calling back to Throgg that it's never too late to change. And later that night, Throgg was visited by the Force ghosts of Christmas past, present and a long time ago. Throgg, inspired by, well, nothing, really, picks up the deed. All of a sudden, there are Stormtroopers outside.
Stormtrooper: Citizen--HALT! We wish to see your IDENTIFICATION!
Linkara: (as Stormtrooper) Did you know how fast you were driving out of that bar?
Linkara (v/o): They shoot at the Troopers and get away in the Landspeeder, spotting the Jawas around the Falcon. I'll give the 3-D effect this much credit: the Falcon itself is only in blue, so it actually does have a weird kind of camouflage or perception filter thing going for it. Anyway, they slam through the Jawas and haul ass off the planet. And so, our comic ends with Throgg at the moisture farm, looking up at the sky.
Throgg: Throgg thanks you little man. May the Force be with you.
Linkara: (as Throgg) And now, as is tradition among my people, I will eat the corpses. (closes comic and holds it up; normal voice) This comic sucks, but it's not dreadful.
Linkara (v/o): The story is a bit of a continuity hiccup with the movie, considering Luke's remarks having nothing left for him there, but you can probably chalk that up to him just being lost in the moment and not having any real time to grieve and take in the loss of his surrogate parents. Him mourning for them and wanting to see their moisture farm survive does demonstrate some humanity. The problem, though, is that the problem feels a bit contrived. There's no actual reason for Luke to return to Tatooine. It's not like we see him getting any personal effects or anything. In addition, trusting the Force to just lead him to a random asshole who just happened to be a former farmer is really pushing it. I mean, does the Force really care all that much about finding the right person for a moisture farm?? But yeah, the story is fairly harmless. The real issue comes from the 3-D. It's better than the California Raisins comic, but that's not exactly a difficult hurdle to leap over. The 3-D is still pretty shallow and, more often than not, hurts your eyes, especially if you're trying to read the dialog.
Linkara: "Star Wars 3D" took its first step into a larger world... and probably should have stepped back.
(He puts down the comic and gets up. Suddenly, Dr. Linksano's voice comes over the computer)
Dr. Linksano: Engineering to bridge! I've got it! There's a weak point in the shielding that is open to us every few minutes!
(Cut to Linksano)
Dr. Linksano: I can beam down one person and one small object.
(Cut back to Comicron 1)
Pollo: I'm ready, Linkara.
Linkara: No, Pollo. I have something else in mind.
(Linkara teleports into Neutro, holding a Cybermat in his arms)
Linkara: All right, (stoops down to put Cybermat on floor) go and play.
(The Cybermat rolls along the floor; cut back to Dr. Insano, who is swaying his head around)
Dr. Insano: By Sagan, this is taking forever. I really should have given Neutro some tennis shoes or something.
(Suddenly, the door into his room opens, revealing Linkara)
Dr. Insano: Well, well! Look what the cat dragged in – and vomited up.
(Dr. Insano pushes a button on his remote, creating a force field that cuts him off)
Linkara: Insano, you know, you really don't have to do this.
Dr. Insano: Oh, but I kind of do. Otherwise, I'd have to turn in my mad scientist club card. And let me tell you, the other mad scientists can be real dicks about that kind of thing.
Linkara: Look, have you actually thought about what you would do after you took over the world?
Dr. Insano: Oh, well, I don't know. Uh, have people fight in my gladiatorial arenas and have lots of kinky sex, just for starters?
Linkara: So, really, all you'll want is for people to fight for your amusement and to get laid, right? I have holodeck technology. You don't have to do any of this!
Dr. Insano: Yeah, see, here's the thing: don't really give a crap about fake people. I heard you got that Linksano fellow to work for you, but I'm not Linksano! I want to rule the world! I will crush resistances, make people adore me, and make the world's currency Insano dollars! And if anyone tries to bitch at me about it, my robots army will crush them and serve them us as low-quality meat product! In other words, I'm Dr. Insano, bitch, AND I'M GOING TO RULE THE WORLD!!
(Linkara keeps staring. Suddenly, the force field in front of him shuts off, and electricity crackles as the lights flicker)
Dr. Insano: (nervously) What the hell is going on?!
Linkara: Oh, that would be my Cybermat getting drunk on Neutro's power systems.
(Outside, Neutro is seen walking, but coming to a halt, powering down and hanging its head as it does. Frantically, Dr. Insano tries to operate the controls again, but to no avail. Enraged, he roars and lunges at Linkara and tries to strangle him, while Linkara tries to push him away; they tussle)
Linkara: Nimue, I need home turf advantage! Beam us out of here!
(Linkara and Dr. Insano disappear from Neutro and reappear in Linkara's apartment; Insano shoves Linkara away, who stumbles backwards, then puts on a pair of gloves)
Linkara: (walking back up to Insano) Knock it off, Insano! You and I both know how this is going to end.
(Insano puts a plasma disc on his coat and activates it)
Linkara: I'm gonna go up to you, beat you up–
(Suddenly, Insano, wearing the gloves, punches Linkara so hard it sends him to the other side of the apartment. Insano giggles crazily. Linkara gets stumbles to his feet again, clutching at his chest where Insano punched him)
Linkara: (groaning) What the hell?!
Dr. Insano: (cackles) Something wrong, Linkara? You came here prepared to fight a madman, and instead you find... A GOD?!? (cackles)
Linkara: What are those things?!
Dr. Insano: Power-enhancing energy gloves! (giggles) Not my design, of course, but I've made a few improvements.
Linkara: Not your own...?
(Suddenly, Linkara looks shocked, as we flash back to footage of the events of To Boldly Flee)
Linkara (v/o): When you took the USS Exit Strategy, you've got all the tech that was on board, including the stuff that JesuOtaku created!
JesuOtaku: (wearing...) Power-enhancing energy gloves! They increase your body strength by 1200 percent!
(Cut back to the present day)
Dr. Insano: Indeed. So, Linkara, (strikes a fighting pose) want to go a few rounds? Come get some.
(Linkara growls, then pulls out his magic gun. He fires a couple of shots, but Insano punches them away with his gloves. Frustrated, Linkara holsters his gun and walks up to Insano to fight, but Insano simply holds his hand and knocks him backwards to the ground)
Linkara: (dazed) Right... It's Morphin' Time!
(He takes out his Zeo Morpher and activates it. As in with his battle with Mechakara in his "Power Rangers Zeo #1" review, he does his Zeo morph: his outfit turns white, with a gold belt and neck piece. He and Insano then fight some more, with Linkara even managing to land a few punches, but they do little damage to Insano, who punches him in the stomach, knocking him backwards)
Dr. Insano: Oh, that had to hurt! (holds up fists) Want to try again, nerd boy?
Linkara: I'm just getting started, asshole.
(Linkara advances on Insano again, but suddenly, he is shot in the shoulder by an energy blast, which knocks him to the floor. It's Jaeris the Gunslinger, who had fired his gun at Linkara)
Dr. Insano: Um... Excuse me, you're kind of interrupting our fight scene.
Jaeris: (aiming his gun at Insano) Shut up!
(Insano shrugs and looks away, arms crossed, while Jaeris walks up to the fallen Linkara, aiming his gun at him)
Jaeris: I can never go home again, thanks to you. I can't help my friends, my family, my wife!
Linkara: I know! I know. I found out about your mission, and I'm sorry.
Jaeris: A little late for sorry.
Dr. Insano: Okay, look, obviously, you two are having a bit of a lover's quarrel, so, uh–
Linkara: (to Insano, holding up index finger) SHUT IT! (back to Jaeris) Jaeris, I made a mistake. A horrible, terrible mistake, because I let my rage get the better of me. I realize that now. But I have resources. I have a ship in orbit, with the best dimension-crossing technology in the multiverse. And I have a crazy-ass scientist who can help you get home.
Dr. Insano: (pointing) Him?! His scientist couldn't make water if you stuck him in a room with a snowman and a blowtorch. Look, I may not know who you are, but I can definitely be of more help than that dingbat.
Linkara: I know about your mission, and I can help you.
Dr. Insano: Join me, Full Metal Alchemist, and not only can we take this world, I can get you where you want to go, but with an army of robots to crush your enemies!
Linkara: I can't promise you success, but I'll sure as hell do everything I can to make it happen.
Dr. Insano: I can promise you success!
Jaeris: What the hell can either of you do to convince me you're on the level?
(Linkara takes out his magic gun and holds it up to Jaeris)
Linkara: Take it. Take my ship if you have to, to free your world.
(Jaeris and Linkara stare at each other for several more seconds, then Jaeris aims his gun at Dr. Insano)
Jaeris: You remind me of some people I don't like.
(Insano sways his head in frustration, then fires two energy blasts at Jaeris, who dodges them)
Dr. Insano: Anyone who opposes me will be destroyed.
Linkara: Emergency procedure four, activate!
(A force field appears in front of Insano, but he simply punches it away, then steps up to Linkara and Jaeris)
Jaeris: You know, I think you need better force fields.
Linkara: Yeah, that has become very clear to me.
Dr. Insano: What have I to fear from you... worker ants, scurrying about with your pitiful weapons, afraid of the purity of SCIENCE! I am Dr. Insano, your alpha and your omega! I have defeated time, hypertime, and the worst Final Fantasy games ever! Eat death, you magical morons!
(Linkara and Jaeris charge forward to fight, but they barely land any punches, while Insano simply pushes them back with his gloved hands. They hide behind a counter in the kitchen)
Jaeris: This guy's tough!
Linkara: He really isn't. The gauntlets are his advantage right now. Can you distract him for a minute?
Jaeris: My pleasure.
(Jaeris jumps out in front of Insano again and fires at him; Insano blocks his attacks with force fields and fires energy blasts from his gauntlets, which Jaeris dodges. Meanwhile, Linkara holds his gun up to his mouth)
Linkara: (speaking into gun) When we last spoke, you said that you were holding back, that you could cut loose. Care to give a demonstration?
(The camera pulls back to reveal that Margaret is in the room with him; she walks up to him)
(She puts her hand on his shoulder and Linkara aims his gun at Insano, charging up. Insano sees what's happening and conjures up another force field in front of him to shield him. Linkara fires his gun, the blast of which hits the force field shield, seeming protecting him, but suddenly, the blast goes up and over the shield and, much to Insano's horror, hits him. There is an explosion of white light, and Dr. Insano lies on the floor, out for the count but still alive. Linkara puts his gun down)
Linkara: Niume, beam this asshole out of my apartment!
(Dr. Insano disappears)
Jaeris: Why the hell didn't you just beam him out of there like that before?
Nimue: This unit was unable to get a lock on the intruder until the gauntlets were disabled.
Linkara: Yeah, you just kind of get used to that when it comes to Insano.
Jaeris: Yeah, I guess I'm gonna have to get used to this.
Linkara: I wasn't lying to you before, Jaeris. With the resources of Comicron 1, we can get you home, help you survive the trip, and help free your world.
Jaeris: Why the hell would you help me? I've done nothing but make your life miserable since we first met.
Linkara: Because I was wrong about you. I don't think you're my enemy. I think you're my friend. (reaches his hand out) And you don't leave your friends behind when they're in trouble. You try to help them, try to make them better.
(Jaeris stares awkwardly at Linkara's outstretched hand)
Jaeris: I'm not ready to call you that yet. I wouldn't have needed to ask your help if you hadn't destroyed my watch. (hands Linkara his dagger) However... I will need your help. You know where to find me.
(Later, Linkara, now wearing his normal attire again, sits on his futon as Spoony comes in and sits down with him)
Spoony: Sorry about Insano, man. He could be a real asshole.
Linkara: Considering he killed you that one time, he would know. Which reminds me: how many times have you died now?
Spoony: One. Maybe three, depending on whose continuity you believe.
Linkara: You're a friggin' Time Lord, man.
Spoony: Don't pull that Doctor Who crap on me.
Linkara: Your frustration amuses me.
Spoony: Dude, you are evil.
Linkara: Somehow I doubt that. Still, thanks for keeping Insano on a leash again.
Spoony: I think he just needs to get out of the house sometimes to amuse himself. Hey, are you really gonna help out that Gunslinger guy?
Linkara: Yep. Linksano's working on trying to figure out the coordinates of his home universe. Apparently, the database in his ship is different from Comicron 1's.
Spoony: Do you really think you can trust him? The dude shot you in the back, and he stole guns for a living.
Linkara: Yeah, but he's not doing that anymore. And I think the fact that he didn't just take the gun and let Insano finish me says something.
Spoony: Maybe. Anyway, I'll order the pizza, and meantime, (holds up a Playstation controller) I will kick your ass at Tekken. (gets up and leaves)
Linkara: (confused) Do you always carry a controller around with you everywhere?
Spoony: Uh, yeah, 'cause I'm the lord of Tekken.
Linkara: All right, I'll be there in a minute.
(Moments later, he looks up to spot Margaret)
Linkara: So is that blue in your hair?
Margaret: I can control how I look and I got bored.
Linkara: So is this gonna be a regular thing, you showing up around here?
Margaret: Not really. There are rules to magic and the forces you're playing with. And you're going to need to learn those rules for some of the things coming.
Linkara: Oh, what, like some new evil on the horizon that I have to deal with? (looks away, putting his head on his hand)
Margaret: There's always an evil. Fortunately, there's also a new hope.
Linkara: (looking back to Margaret) Wait, did you just do a Star Wars thing?
(To his surprise, however, Margaret is gone. Cut to Comicron 1's onboard computer)
Nimue: Information: throughout this last year, this unit has experienced several critical malfunctions that have interfered with normal operations. They are far too numerous and in specific areas to be mere malfuntion. Initiating self diagnostic to determine if the fault lies within this unit or inside–
(Suddenly, the computer sparks and flickers, interrupting Nimue and causing things to go silent briefly)
Nimue: Self diagnostic... cancelled. (the screen suddenly turns from green to red)
(End credits roll)
I know people wanted credits for the All-Star Batman and Robin #5 review, but honestly, I'm just exhausted from finishing this relatively on time.
And no, unfortunately, due to a number of factors (time, mostly) Noah and I did not have time to film any crossovers or the like, but we have ideas for the future.
(Stinger: Dr. Insano is seen operating his controller for Neutro, in front of a green screen)
Dr. Insano: I have no idea what these do. I'm just pushing buttons, really. (pushes one button repeatedly) I bought this at a Best Buy. It still plugs in very nicely.