Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
January 1, 2020
(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, before we are shown a caption that says, "Like it even matters anymore...". The Star Wars logo appears in space and zooms out as a variation of its theme plays. Suddenly, a ship appears and blasts the logo to pieces. Piloting the ship is the Mandalorian (Malcolm). His ship approaches a large starship that has the Star Wars logo written on it. The Mandarlorian heads inside the ship and scans it with his tracker. His tracker beeps rapidly, and the Mandalorian notices the source of the rapid beeping: NC lying down on the ground, unconscious. The Mandalorian kicks NC awake, and after a beat, NC immediately stands up and rapidly speaks)
NC: Okay, so we got to get to the orange planet. We'll give it a name later. Next, we got to find the dagger of daggering. After that, we gotta cure some bugs with our new Force powers. We'll just mention it in passing. Go to the store, pick up some milk, grab the kids from day care. Oh, and you're the grandson of Boba Fett now. Trust me, this was all planned from the beginning.
Mandalorian: Wait, what the hell are you doing?
NC: Please, there's, like, 95 more errands to run.
Mandalorian: I came here to find Star Wars.
NC: Well...you're in it, man.
Mandalorian: I just remember it being more grand and awe-inspiring.
NC: (chuckles) Well, we've been doing a lot with it lately.
Mandalorian: Maybe too much? You look so beat and worn down. I don't think it was built to handle everything you're putting it through.
NC: Nonsense. This baby runs on the finest of fuels.
Mandalorian: Which is?
(NC and Mandalorian both look over to see a money-filled ATM machine on fire)
NC: True, it creates a bumpy, even inconsistent ride, but it still keeps this old girl moving forward.
Mandalorian: Funny. I remember when this ship ran on imagination and ideas.
Voice: Those were the old days, my friend.
(Suddenly, a TV screen turns on to reveal J.J. Abrams (Walter) speaking)
J.J. Abrams: Now it's sticking with what we know works.
NC: Yeah, that's our returning pilot, J.J..
Mandalorian: Returning pilot?
NC: We've gone through a few of them.
Mandalorian: All right, J.J., how do you generate this fuel?
Abrams: Oh, it's a special formula we use over and over.
(Several images of The Rise of Skywalker are shown as Abrams describes them)
Abrams (vo): Introduce poor hero dressed in white, hint at evil side even though that obviously won't be a thing, showing bad guy in all black serving seated overlord, discover bad guy has a good side, display ship battles where one simple thing always wipes the villains out, the hero wins, good bad guy dies.
Abrams: Rinse, repeat.
Mandalorian: Isn't there only so long that formula can keep this going?
Abrams: Well, we tried straying from it a few times, but the passengers didn't like that.
(Another TV screen turns on to reveal an eager fan, played by Aiyanna, holding a wad of cash)
Aiyanna: You're doing great, J.J.! Here's some fuel for your ship!
(She throws the money into the burning ATM)
Abrams: Oh, thank you so much.
(Suddenly, another TV screen turns on to reveal a glasses-wearing fan, played by Malcolm, who's looking angry)
Malcolm: I'm not happy, J.J.! You're taking Star Wars in a direction I don't want it to go!
Abrams: Oh, sorry. I'll change course right away. (Drives his ship on a large swift turn) Better?
Aiyanna: Hey, that's not the direction I wanted!
Abrams: Oh, sorry. Switching back.
(He makes another swift turn, annoying the Mandalorian)
Abrams: Okay, why don't I fly in-between, making you both happy and unhappy?
Aiyanna: Hmm. I'm pleasantly enraged by that.
Malcolm: Carry on.
(The Mandalorian turns to NC)
Mandalorian: So this is how Star Wars is right now?
NC: Well, are you really that surprised?
(Images of various Star Wars fans are shown, as well as posters and images from various Star Wars movies)
NC (vo): Star Wars, from its premiere in 1977, changed not only cinema, but movie fandom. Because there were only three films for so long and they incorporated so many different mythical storytelling elements, there was kind of this sacredness that was built around it.
NC: This resulted in, let's say, passionate opinions over the years.
NC (vo): Going from rose-colored glasses to slow disappointment, praising a creative genius, only to shun him later... (An image of The People vs. George Lucas is shown with the caption ""Genius"") ...and watching the franchise be bought out and be passed on from creative team to creative team. All of this gave praise, anger, memories, bad memories, no memories. Childhoods were reborn, while others were destroyed. What was once seen as sacred stories became, well, what they always were, movies. Movies, like any art form, can change people in profound ways, but to many, Star Wars was becoming a way of life, and any changes to a way of life is going to be met with some hostility. And, yes, I know. The majority of Star Wars fans aren't hostile or demanding, they're a lot like any other movie fans. But I'm talking about the fans the filmmakers probably listened the closest to, that being the ones who take it the most seriously. Whether it's serious love or serious hate, these movies are always guaranteed to get big reactions.
(Now we are shown the poster and images of The Rise of Skywalker)
NC (vo): And once again, Star Wars fans are passionate about The Rise of Skywalker, the final part in this new cinematic trilogy. Passionate angry or passionate happy? Yes. Again, everyone seems all over the map whether this progressed towards the familiar world we know and love, or regressed back to the same tired tricks.
Abrams: Good thing I'm in the driver's seat this time. If there's one thing I'm always praised for, it's how I stick the ending.
Mandalorian: Are you sure you're the only one piloting?
Abrams: Oh, yeah. Back to one creative poet leading the way. Nobody else calling the shots.
(As a dramatic choir is heard, we are shown that Abrams is not alone in his room. Also in the room is a figure dressed in Emperor Palpatine's clothing, but has the face of Mickey Mouse looking sinister)
Mickey Mouse: Good. Good. Ha-ha!
Mandalorian: All right. I guess explain how this "new-old" Star Wars works now.
NC: (looking nervous) I don't know. You might not like everything you hear.
Mandalorian: I'm not afraid.
NC: (smiles) Good. (Imitates Yoda) You will... (Suddenly, the Mandalorian fires his blaster at NC, who dodges) Okay, I had that coming. This is Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. The dead speak.
Mandalorian: Come on. Talk like a real person.
NC: No, these are literally the first words from the opening crawl.
(The word "Spoilers" appears in a blue background with a "Ta-da" sound, before cutting to the movie, presented with reenactments by Doug and his crew. We are first shown an image of a radio with the caption, "Still alive, bitches!", before showing Kylo Ren (Jim) battling through a planet by using the Force to control his lightsaber without his hands, before arriving at a dark planet, where he discovers the revived but barely-alive Emperor Palpatine (Barney))
NC (vo): The voice of Emperor Palpatine is heard on a radio transmission, so Kylo Ren searches the universe so he can kill him off, fearing Palpatine might take control of the First Order. He finds him in a hidden part of the galaxy, where a legion of Sith fanboys have been growing an army.
Kylo Ren: I've come here to kill you.
Palpatine: But then you will never get the answers to the questions you possess.
Kylo: Are the answers disappointing?
Kylo: Okay, I'll ask.
Palpatine: Let's retcon this shit!
Kylo: How are you alive?
Palpatine: Something, something, Revenge of the Sith.
Kylo: Who is Supreme Leader Snoke?
Palpatine: Something, something, I grew him in a bottle.
Kylo: What's your major plan?
Palpatine: Something, something, we join forces, and I give you an army.
Kylo: Can I trust you?
Palpatine: Come on! You act as if I have a long history of backstabbing people.
Kylo: Okay, I'm in.
Palpatine: Good. First order of the First Order is to kill Rey. Why don't I have you put a quarter in so I can continue my shaky animatronic movements? (Kylo takes out a quarter and puts it in a machine, causing the crane carrying Palpatine to move about) Welcome to Chuck-E-Cheese! Let's wish Snoke a 72-and-a-half birthday. Make a wish and strike those candles down with all of your hatred, and your journey towards the Dark Side will be complete! Also, free tokens.
(The sound of children cheering is heard. We cut to the Resistance hiding out at a forest planet, where we see General Leia Organa (Tamara) training Rey (also Tamara) in the ways of the Force, as Rey puts down some rocks and a piano she has lifted)
NC (vo): While the Resistance is hiding out on Low Calorie Endor...yeah, they ran out of looks for these planets, so I'm just calling them what they're ripping off...as General Leia trains Rey as a Jedi.
Leia: It looks like Palpatine's back.
Rey: But I thought Palpatine was dead.
(We are shown the rest of the Resistance, Finn (Malcolm), Poe Dameron (Doug), Chewbacca, Rose Tico (Heather), Kaydel Ko Connix (Aiyanna), and Beaumont Kin, who is shown with a Photoshopped image of Dominic Monaghan)
Beaumont Kin: We've had one Palpatine, yes. What about second Palpatine?
Leia: You need to figure out how to hear all the Jedis that have come before you.
Rey: Oh, that's an interesting addition. How often will we explore that?
Leia: Once more at the end.
Leia: Wait. It's been seconds, and there's been no rush of movement.
Rey: Indeed. We need to It: Chapter Two this.
Leia: Right. (Speaks to the Resistance) Everyone, act panicky. (The Resistance does so) Poe, you try to get cheap laughs with unfunny small talk.
Poe Dameron: Got it. What's the deal with everything?
Leia: Finn, you try to continue to justify your existence here.
Finn: Right. (Speaks to Rey) Rey, there's something important that I have to tell you.
Finn: I don't know, but I'm gonna ask you five more times.
Rey: That's the best you've got?
Finn: I'm a reformed killer Stormtrooper. How can you make me interesting?
(Rey shrugs in confusion)
Leia: Never mind. Just make small talk with Poe.
Finn: Got it.
Poe and Finn: What's the deal? What's the deal?
Leia: Everybody, go to different planets to find Palpatine.
(The Resistance runs off in several directions while acting like the Three Stooges. Rose is about to leave, too, until Leia stops her)
Leia: And, Rose...you stay behind and help out here.
Rose Tico: (relieved) Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
Leia: Yeah, you've been through enough.
Rose: I am more than happy to be Jar Jar in the last two prequels.
(Rose immediately runs off, also in the manner of the Three Stooges. Rey, Finn, Poe and Chewie arrive in the planet Passana, where they witness a yearly celebration)
NC (vo): They make their way to Low Calorie Tatooine, where a festival's being thrown by the natives...
NC: (confused) Go, diversity?
(Lando Calrissian (Malcolm) approaches the group)
NC (vo): And among the celebration, they come across Lando.
Lando: Hi, I'm Lando.
(He immediately walks away. The group is then attacked by First Order Stormtroopers, but they escape by falling into a mysterious cavern, where they discover a mysterious dagger, as well as an injured snail creature, which is shown with a Photoshopped image of a Pokemon, and Rey uses the Force to heal the creature)
NC (vo): They then get chased down by Stormtroopers and fall into quicksand that leads them to a cavern, where they find a Sith dagger. Then they come across a hurt monster, but Rey uses her Force powers to heal its wounds.
Finn: How did you do that?
Rey: Oh, I just gave him some of my life force.
Finn: You used the Force to force life force?
Rey: No, I used the Force to force life force force.
Finn: Oh, that makes more sense.
(We go back to NC and the Mandalorian)
Mandalorian: Oh, I know what this is. We started playing around with that idea. One of our characters uses it to heal someone, and here's a mystery to what it is and to how it works.
NC: Oh, let me guess. You take your time and let the weight of the situation sink in?
Mandalorian: Pretty much.
NC: There's no time for that.
(We are shown Chewbacca in handcuffs, having been captured by the First Order)
NC (vo): We gotta get to saving Chewbacca, who's captured by the First Order.
Mandalorian: What? When did that happen?
NC: When we looked away for a few seconds. Keep up, man! Chewie's dead now!
(We see Kylo Ren and Rey fighting over a First Order transport which Rey believes Chewbacca is in, but Rey accidentally destroys the transport with Force lightning)
NC (vo): Yeah, we see Rey and Kylo Ren play tug of war with a prison ship, and she accidentally zaps it.
Mandalorian: What? Chewie's dead?
NC: No, now he's alive.
(We are briefly shown Chewie in a First Order prison cell)
Mandalorian: What? How?
NC: There was another prison ship offscreen, obviously.
Mandalorian: So he was captured offscreen and put in a different ship offscreen?
NC: Yes, stay on track. Now the prequels are cool again.
Mandalorian: Okay, that, I know you're lying about.
NC: No, it's sadly a thing. Listen.
(They turn to see Aiyanna and Malcolm speaking)
Aiyanna: I mean, they're not that bad, when compared to Last Jedi.
Malcolm: Yeah, I mean, I saw them when I was two. I figured I'm a good judge of cinema at that point. And the Emperor was cool.
Aiyanna: Hey, J.J.! We want to see more Emperor!
Abrams: Oh, right away, right away. More Emperor on the beaten path.
Mandalorian: (shaking his head) This path is beaten, all right.
NC: Well, what do you do if you can't have constant exposition and jumping from place to place every few minutes?
Mandalorian: I don't know. Visual storytelling? Slow pacing? Short but relatable dialogue so you can understand character quickly?
NC: Why are you still on this? We just missed eight more scenes.
Mandalorian: Of course we have.
(The group arrives on the planet Kijimi, where they encounter Poe's old acquaintance, Zorii Bliss)
NC (vo): Now they're on Low Calorie Coruscant with a dash of Hoth, where they need the writing on the dagger translated, and one of Poe's old flings named Zorii can help.
(Poe and Zorii speak with each other)
Poe: You know, I've seen your face. I'm not sure why you're trying to keep it hidden.
Zorri Bliss: I'm trying to do like a Boba Fett thing, keeping my appearance a mystery.
Poe: For what? The four minutes you're in this trilogy?
Zorri: Well, here, you can see my eyes. (Takes off a part of her mask, revealing her eyes) Happy?
Poe: Not really. Your eyes look great. If you had, like, three eyes or something, we'd be more curious about what you look like.
Zorri: Let's talk about you.
Poe: (smiles) Okay.
Zorri: You really think of all the characters, people want to sit down a moment with you?
Poe: Hey, we're just trying to build up the drama of me about to become a general.
Zorri: Aren't you that idiot that mutinied in the middle of a chase?
Poe: I remember why I don't like you.
(We cut to Rey and Kylo Ren, who's now wearing his repaired mask, confronting each other through their still-intact Force bond, with Rey in a First Order Star Destroyer and Kylo on the planet)
NC (vo): We get to the one thing that's been continually good in this new trilogy...
(We briefly see Abrams pressing a button, causing cash to rain down on top of him)
NC: Aside from that.
(Rey and Kylo are shown facing each other intensely, with Kylo eventually grabbing an apple and throwing it at Rey, who dodges it. Rey then throws Darth Vader's charred helmet at Kylo, who catches it and notices what he has just caught)
NC (vo): ...Rey and Kylo Ren's connection. Each of them tries to convince the other to join their side, and they communicate through their mental and physical Force powers despite them not being in the same room, one of the few things not retconned from Last Jedi. But don't worry. They backtrack on other stuff.
Kylo: So that's where you are.
Rey: Oh, shit.
(Kylo immediately crashes into the room Rey is in on his ship and confronts her in person)
Kylo: Join me, for I know your importance. Your caretaker never told you what happened to your parents.
Rey: He told me enough. He told me that you killed them.
Kylo: Nobody told you that.
Rey: You know what? I'm so sorry. I keep forgetting what we're vomiting up and rehashing for this one. So my father is someone bad, right?
Rey: Oh, good. We don't have to go through all that again.
Kylo: Your grandfather is someone bad!
Rey: Oh, okay. Well, that's new territory. Who is it? Snoke?
Rey: (missing the answer) Hux?
Rey: That guy Benicio Del Toro played last time?
Kylo: You already guessed it.
Rey: What? Who?
Rey: (shocked) WHAT...?!
(We cut back to NC and the Mandalorian)
Mandalorian: Wait, Palpatine's her granddaddy?
Mandalorian: (beat) Who the hell slept with him? I mean, it'd have to be right after his face got lightninged and shit. You're telling me somebody saw that guy and was like, "Hey, might be a good fuck?"
NC: Apparently, that doesn't matter.
Mandalorian: What do you mean that doesn't matter? How does someone bang the leader of the galaxy and then disappear? He didn't keep tabs on her? She somehow avoided him? This is the fucking story, man. This is the juicy shit the trilogy should've been about.
(Suddenly, Aiyanna and Malcolm resume speaking)
Aiyanna: Oh, what? The Last Jedi apologists didn't need to know Snoke's story.
Malcolm: Oh, shut up! They said Rey was a nobody, so anyone could be strong with the Force. But now it's midi-clorians, and you had to be related to somebody! Boo!
Abrams: No, no. Um... (He takes a look at the Palpatine-dressed Mickey Mouse, who shrugs his arms) What else was I supposed to explore with this?
(Several images of The Last Jedi are shown as Abrams describes them, while several captions of that film's end results are shown as Abrams says them)
Abrams (vo): Maybe we could explore Snoke...dead! Maybe dive into Rey's past...nada! Maybe draw out Finn and Phasma's rivalry...kapoot! Maybe see if Rey would join the Dark Side...ended! (An image of a man shrugging is shown last) What was I supposed to do?
Abrams: Everything was finished before it was even set up!
NC: There definitely is some truth to that.
(More images of The Last Jedi are shown, along with the poster for The Rise of Skywalker)
NC (vo): Last Jedi set up some new ideas and directions it could go in, but it wrapped up so much that, character-wise, all that was left to explore was Rey and Kylo Ren's relationship, and even then, not a ton, as they seem to have stayed on their chosen sides. To suddenly give the final film a blank slate to go off of is a bit of a challenge, to say the least.
NC: And here's the thing. Taking into account all nine films when you watch them all together, having Rey be related to the Emperor is not a bad idea.
NC (vo): I mean, in chronological order, it does kind of start with Palpatine, so it makes sense it would end with him as well. But to bring him into this new trilogy now, especially in such a rushed and clumsy manner, this was way too big an idea to squeeze into the final film. Had they started out with this idea in The Force Awakens, maybe it could've developed into something gripping. Hell, even in Last Jedi, when they kill Snoke, if we suddenly hear the Emperor laughing, that would be kind of a good lead-in, just something, anything. As is, it just feels like a last-minute surprise. Like, imagine you found out that Vader was Luke's father in Return of the Jedi instead of Empire Strikes Back. It just wouldn't be enough time to get all that you can out of it.
NC: So am I against the idea? No. Am I against the idea now? A million percent!
Abrams: Well, as the pilot who has vowed to take control of this journey, it's my responsibility to say...it's his fault! (An image of Rian Johnson is shown)
Mandalorian: How is this a different Star Wars than I remember, yet not different enough?
(We go to a commercial. When we come back, we see the group arriving on the planet Kef Bir, where Rey discovers the remains of the second Death Star)
NC (vo): After everyone escapes the First Order, Rey comes across the wreckage of the Death Star on Low Calorie Waterworld...
NC: Ah, this world's different enough. I'll call it by its real name.
(The caption "Kef Bir" is shown. Rey holds the dagger towards the remains; the dagger is written with an arrow and two words saying "Go there". Finn attempts to approach Rey while acting all suave and cool)
NC (vo): ...as she happens to stand in the exact perfect location for the dagger to show her where to head. Meanwhile, seeing how Finn's romance with Rey went nowhere...
Rey: (stops Finn) No, I'm married to the Force.
(She walks away. Finn then brings out a communicator to speak to Rose, but she shakes her head no as a caption pops up saying "Friend Zone", causing Finn to hang up. Finn then meets up with one of the planet's inhabiters, Jannah (Malcolm), who is also a former Stormtrooper)
NC (vo): ...and also, his romance with Rose went nowhere, he finally comes across someone similar to him. Although, character-wise, maybe a bit too similar.
Finn: So I hear you were a Stormtrooper.
Jannah: I was.
Finn: I hear you left 'cause you didn't wanna slaughter people.
Jannah: I did.
Finn: I hear you're underutilized 'cause this movie has no idea what to do with you.
Jannah: That I didn't hear, but sounds about right.
Finn: Wanna talk about why we have nothing to talk about?
Jannah: I think we just did.
Finn: Oh, yeah. Here's to maybe being something.
(She walks away. After a beat, Finn suddenly snaps)
Finn: Why do I suck in these movies now?!
(Inside the Death Star remains, Rey is confronted by Kylo Ren, as well as a vision of herself as a Sith)
NC (vo): Rey comes across Kylo Ren on the Death Star, as well as a dark version of herself.
(Dark Rey activates her lightsaber)
Mandalorian: Trailer fodder?
NC: Trailer fodder.
Dark Rey: (annoyed) Seriously? But this is awesome!
(The droid D-O suddenly pops up next to NC)
D-O: Too awesome for Star Wars now? By the way, I'm a thing in this.
Dark Rey: There better be some cool fanarts of me!
(She walks away in annoyance, throwing away her lightsaber. Kylo Ren confronts Rey)
Kylo: I can take you to Palpatine. Come with me.
Kylo: Very well. Shall we exit this ugly, grainy location to another ugly, grainy location?
Rey: Did they learn nothing from the movie Solo?
(Kylo Ren Force-pushes Rey outside in the middle of raging waters. He takes off his mask and attempts to attack, but Rey quickly uses her lightsaber to stab Kylo in the stomach, beating him, before getting up and preparing to leave)
NC (vo): Rey defeats Kylo Ren, though, and decides to take his ship to find Palpatine.
Rey: Oh, can I get your keys? (A wounded Kylo uses the Force to throw his keys straight to the ship) Thanks. You're a peach.
(Back on the Resistance's planet, Leia uses the last ounce of her strength to reach out to Kylo and healing him from his injuries (with a video game sound effect accompanying it) before she dies as Rose and Maz Kanata, who is shown with an image of an orange with a face on it (voiced by Malcolm), look on)
NC (vo): I guess Leia, though, uses her Force life force Force or whatever to give Kylo Ren extra life. Honestly, given Carrie Fisher's untimely death, they worked all this into the story pretty well...except, of course, when somebody has to explain what's going on, because Leia clearly can't.
Maz Kanata: She is giving up her life for him, so that when he finally passes, she will pass, too.
Rose: (confused at Maz) Who are you? We built you up so much in the first movie and then did nothing with you.
Maz: Well, the Jedi grew several of me in jars while...
Rose: Forget it.
(Rey arrives on the planet Arch-To, where she encounters the Force spirit of Luke Skywalker (Doug))
NC (vo): Rey makes a stop at Luke's old hideout and comes across the transparent one himself.
Rey: How can I be a Jedi when I'm related to one of the most despised men in the universe?
Luke: Well, let me tell you right now. It's not all about the blood lines.
Rey: (confused) Except it totally is. I mean, in the last movie, it wasn't, I suppose. But now, I'm connected to one of the most powerful men in the galaxy.
Luke: Yeah, but I'm related to a man who just appeared out of nowhere. You want to know how big my family tree is? One branch. That's it.
Rey: What does that have to do with anything?
Luke: I don't know.
Rey: (beat) Why did you come here?
Luke: To say we're all hypocrites in these movies. "Only a Sith deals in absolutes." (Slaps himself in the head) That's an absolute! (After a beat, Luke walks away) They didn't fix a damn thing with these movies.
Rey: Can I at least have your...? (Without a word, Luke throws his keys to Rey) Thank you.
(Meanwhile, back on Kef Bir, Kylo Ren, shaken by the death of his mother, converses with a memory of his father, Han Solo, who is shown in a Photoshopped image)
NC (vo): Kylo Ren has a surprisingly touching scene with his father, Han Solo, which, thankfully, they never make clear if it's really him or if it's just in his head.
Kylo: Dad...I realize how wrong I was about everything. I just wanted to say...
Han Solo (voiced by Doug): I know, son. (Kylo comes close to breaking down in tears. Han then turns to face the camera) Well, I gave the only emotional scene in the movie. (An audience applauds as Han waves at them while leaving) So long, everybody! I'm never coming back to these damn films, and I mean it this time!
(A still-tearful Kylo waves goodbye. We are next shown images of the other films, showing the heroes planning their attacks on the villains' weapons, as well as images of this film's climactic space battle)
NC (vo): So, remember how in the other movies when they're going into a fight, they would discuss their strategy of how to take the enemy down? This one, they just head in and hope that other people show. All the discussions, all the strategy, all the times people sit around and listen to what they have to do so we have suspense of knowing when something doesn't go right, all gone.
NC: Why? Because you know the plan. It's the fourth time they've done it! (To the Mandalorian) Can you guess?
Mandalorian: They shoot the one thing that blows everybody up?
NC: (laughs sarcastically before snapping) That's what it always is!
Abrams: Hey, hey, now give us some due credit here.
(An image of Rey facing Palpatine is shown)
Abrams (vo): It's only the fifth time we've had a throne room scene where someone sits and watches people fight with lightsabers.
Malcolm: Yay! They're doing it again!
Aiyanna: Boo! I don't wanna see that! Boo!
Abrams: Okay, I'll change it up. How about it's still in the throne room, but the main villain doesn't show up until the end?
Malcolm: Yes! Now we'll both be disappointed!
NC: Actually, that's a good point. Who's even the main villain now?
(Images of the climax of Return of the Jedi are shown, along with an image of Kylo Ren, before we cut to Rey arriving at Exegol and confronting Palpatine)
NC (vo): I mean, in Return of the Jedi, where this cliche started, the battle was with Vader, the main conflict of the previous two movies. Here, with Kylo Ren saying he's good now, I guess it's Palpatine, who's only introduced in this trilogy in this film, and even then, he's not in it for very long. What makes it even stranger is that there's a giant stadium of Sith cultists or something watching them. How long have they been sitting there waiting for Rey to arrive?
(We are shown two "Sith cultists" (Tamara and Aiyanna) speaking with each other)
Sith Cultist #1 (Tamara): Okay, when did he say she was going to get here? It's been friggin' days and I smell like ass!
Sith Cultist #2 (Aiyanna): His predictions are never wrong.
Sith Cultist #1: Except when they are! How often has he been electrocuted or thrown off something?
Sith Cultist #2: That's only happened a couple of times.
Sith Cultist #1: What if this is one of those times?
Voice: Hot dogs!
Sith Cultist #2: I'll take five.
(The Resistance and all of their allies around the galaxy battle against the First Order in one final battle, while Rey is still facing Palpatine, who is still hanging in his healing crane)
NC (vo): So as the battle rages above, Palpatine...
Aliens (vo): The claw!
NC (vo): ...makes a proposition to Rey.
Palpatine: Kill me, and you will take the throne as the Emperor of the New Order.
Rey: Why don't you just take the throne?
Palpatine: Something, something, Force power, Dark Side...
Rey: All right, all right!
Mandalorian: Wait. I thought he wanted her dead.
NC: That was Plan A. Plan B is to have her come there so he can transfer his soul into her.
Mandalorian: Why wasn't that Plan A?
NC: Because Plan C is to suck both Rey and Kylo Ren's life force if they happen to show up together.
Mandalorian: His backup plans are much better than his original plans.
NC: That's turning out to be Star Wars in a nutshell.
Mandalorian: Is there any goddamn strategy in this movie?
NC: (chuckles) Well, there is this one moment.
(We cut to Rose joining the battle while riding on something)
Rose: Space horses! Whoo!
(With Rose leading the charge, dozens of colorful horses join the final battle)
NC: (smiling) Yep. Stinking space horses are in this again!
Mandalorian: The same ones as before?
NC: No. Different ones. All I can imagine is them transferring those animals to the friggin' fight.
(Rose is shown in a room populated by the horses)
Rose: (excited) This'll be great! There's totally so much we could do with these guys in a space battle! (A pooping noise is heard, stripping Rose of her excitement) I'll get a mop.
(We go back to Rey and Palpatine's confrontation, where Kylo Ren, having regained his original identity as Ben Solo and turned to the light side, joins Rey. However, Palpatine realizes the two have a Force bond, and uses the Force to drain the duo's power to restore himself to full strength)
NC (vo): Kylo Ren shows up to help Rey, but that only makes things worse, as the Emperor now has their unique bond that makes them much more powerful, so he can drain their life force together, making him more powerful. It's dumb.
Palpatine: Let's make lightning strike twice, baby!
(Palpatine unleashes his Force lightning to attack the Resistance fleet. A weakened Rey suddenly hears the voices of past Jedi, who lend her their strength)
NC (vo): But Rey, now, for some reason, finally connects with all the Jedi of the past and uses their strength to fight back.
Various Jedi voices: I believe in you. I believe in you. I believe in you. I believe in you, Peter.
(Rey gets back up again, and suddenly turns Super Saiyan! Palpatine is shocked)
Palpatine: Oh, bananas.
(Rey uses her last ounce of power to finally destroy Palpatine for good, but she dies herself in the process. When the smoke clears from the giant explosion, Ben Solo regains consciousness)
Ben Solo: I'm fine.
(Ben notices Rey dead, but revives her by using the Force to transfer his life onto Rey's. Rey and Ben both smile at each other before Ben suddenly dies)
NC (vo): Kylo Ren gives his life force that Leia gave him to Rey, sacrificing himself to save her. Death is now like hot potato in this world.
Rey: (mourning) Oh, Kylo! Just when I was learning to love you.
(She prepares to kiss Ben's body, until we suddenly cut back to NC and the Mandalorian)
Mandalorian: They kiss?
Mandalorian: Odd. I always thought they had more of a brother-sister relationship.
NC: Like that makes any difference in this world. (An image of The Empire Strikes Back showing Leia kissing Luke is shown)
(Having finally defeated the First Order, the Resistance returns to their planet to celebrate)
NC (vo): Everybody returns to Low Calorie Endor and celebrates, despite the people they've lost.
(Rose approaches Chewie)
Rose: Chewie, Leia wanted me to give this to you.
(She gives Chewie a medal. Chewie looks at it and growls in confusion)
Chewie: (subtitled) After she died?!
Rose: She just never had the time.
Chewie: (subtitled) We saw each other over and over! She came to my family's LIFE DAY, for Christ's sake!
Rose: What can I say? We're all hypocrites in these movies.
(Chewie takes one more look at the medal, then throws it away. Lando suddenly comes back and approaches Jannah)
NC (vo): Even Lando makes a...friend?
Lando: So, where are you from?
Jannah: I don't know.
Lando: Want to find out together?
Jannah: (out of character) Can I hit on someone that's not me?
Lando: Actually, you might be my daughter.
(Lando winks. Meanwhile, Rey visits the planet Tatooine, Luke's old home, where she meets a passerby (Heather))
NC (vo): Rey goes to Luke's original home and buries the lightsaber, coming across an old resident.
Passerby: Nobody's been there for years. What's your name?
Passerby: And your last name that presumably your parents gave you?
Rey: They didn't.
Rey: Well, I guess, technically, it's... (Looks up at the sky)
Mandalorian: Oh, I see. Because blood lines don't matter, she's going to say her name is Palpatine, turning that evil name into something strong and hopeful.
Mandalorian: Or she picks Skywalker...a name associated with a dark overlord who killed children.
Mandalorian: They're fucking called children.
NC: Well, like this movie, I guess it's in the eye of the beholder.
(Images of the film, as well as its previous two installments, are shown once more as NC gives his final thought)
NC (vo): Rise of Skywalker, from my viewpoint, is a mess. I can’t act like the previous two were perfect, but this seems especially all over the map. The motivations keep changing, plot twists seem unearned, the pacing is way too fast, trying to accomplish way too much, and on top of that, it was ugly to look at. Even if you didn’t like the previous two, they were, at least, visually stimulating. This one is grainy, dark, colorless, and sometimes even hard to make out. As this trilogy draws to a close, I can’t act like I wasn’t introduced to some interesting ideas, but they never felt anchored down by a clear goal, apart from…you know. (The shot of Abrams pushing a button, causing money to rain down, is shown again) I didn’t hate this film, by any means. It did give me some cool scenes, and honestly, it is nice to finally have some closure, even if it’s not 100% satisfying. But that’s kind of the Star Wars we have now. Where in the past, Star Wars seemed to bring fans together, whether for one reason or another, it now seems to leave them divided.
(Once more, Malcolm and Aiyanna start complaining)
Malcolm: Nuh-uh! You're wrong! We're not divided!
Aiyanna: Yes, we are! We're so divided!
Abrams: Why don't I just do what makes everybody money...I mean, happy?
(Abrams, Aiyanna and Malcolm each start talking rapidly, annoying the Mandalorian. Suddenly, a large boom is heard)
NC: What the hell was that?
(Another TV screen turns on, showing Cara Dune (Tamara) on another ship)
Cara Dune: Hey, Mando, you find what you're looking for?
Mandalorian: Yeah, but...it's definitely not how I remember it.
Cara Dune: Well, hurry back. You've got someone waiting for you.
(A Photoshopped image of The Child pops up next to Cara Dune, with baby noises heard. The sight of The Child causes Abrams, Aiyanna and Malcolm to become amazed)
Aiyanna: Oh, my God!
Malcolm: That is the most adorable thing I have ever seen.
Abrams: Too cute! Too cute!
NC: Wait, you all like this?
Aiyanna: How can we not love something like that?
Malcolm: I have never seen anything more pwecious.
Abrams: Where can I see more of that?
Mandalorian: Well, I guess you can follow us. I mean, we are technically Star Wars.
NC: What? Can't be. It's bringing all these fans together.
Mandalorian: Well, without it, I wouldn't be here. Star Wars molded me, shaped me into who I am. I guess when something is really that powerful, it finds life anywhere, even the most unlikely places.
Cara Dune: Like a bounty hunter raising a baby Yoda.
NC: Yeah, actually, the more I think about it, I feel like most fans, if they heard that, would hate it.
Mandalorian: Yet here we are.
Aiyanna: Can I come?
Malcolm: Yeah, me, too!
Abrams: And me?
Cara Dune: Sure. Come on, guys. Let's go down a different path.
(Aiyanna and Malcolm cheer in delight)
Abrams: He is so adorable!
(NC thinks about something. Later, on the planet Tatooine, Cara Dune witnesses the starship fly away into the sky, as NC and the Mandalorian look on)
NC: So what do you think? Is there a new hope for Star Wars?
Mandalorian: For now. And when that fades, another will appear.
NC: I guess just because I'm done with the Star Wars movies doesn't mean I'm done with Star Wars.
Mandalorian: And like anything special, it isn't done with you.
(The Mandalorian then walks away, as NC does the same. The Mandalorian joins Cara Dune as they both look towards the binary sunset. We then suddenly see Star Wars fan and reactor Eric Butts watching the review's ending, and getting emotional over it)
Eric Butts: Oh, my God! (While mixing between crying and laughing, he takes out a hankie and blows his nose) It was so...so awful! What was that?
(The Channel Awesome logo is shown again, then we are shown one last shot of Eric Butts, who is still continuing to be emotional)
Eric Butts: Why does Doug even wear glasses anymore? It's not canon!
(The credits roll)