Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
Release Date	January 1, 2020
Running Time	30:05
Previous Review	Die Hard
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Link	TBA

(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, before we are shown a caption that says, "Like it even matters anymore...". The Star Wars logo appears in space and zooms out as a variation of its theme plays. Suddenly, a ship appears and blasts the logo to pieces. Piloting the ship is the Mandalorian (Malcolm). His ship approaches a large starship that has the Star Wars logo written on it. The Mandarlorian heads inside the ship and scans it with his tracker. His tracker beeps rapidly, and the Mandalorian notices the source of the rapid beeping: NC lying down on the ground, unconscious. The Mandalorian kicks NC awake, and after a beat, NC immediately stands up and rapidly speaks)

NC: Okay, so we got to get to the orange planet. We'll give it a name later. Next, we got to find the dagger of daggering. After that, we gotta cure some bugs with our new Force powers. We'll just mention it in passing. Go to the store, pick up some milk, grab the kids from day care. Oh, and you're the grandson of Boba Fett now. Trust me, this was all planned from the beginning.

Mandalorian: Wait, what the hell are you doing?

NC: Please, there's, like, 95 more errands to run.

Mandalorian: I came here to find Star Wars.

NC: Well...you're in it, man.

Mandalorian: I just remember it being more grand and awe-inspiring.

NC: (chuckles) Well, we've been doing a lot with it lately.

Mandalorian: Maybe too much? You look so beat and worn down. I don't think it was built to handle everything you're putting it through.

NC: Nonsense. This baby runs on the finest of fuels.

Mandalorian: Which is?

(NC and Mandalorian both look over to see a money-filled ATM machine on fire)

NC: True, it creates a bumpy, even inconsistent ride, but it still keeps this old girl moving forward.

Mandalorian: Funny. I remember when this ship ran on imagination and ideas.

Voice: Those were the old days, my friend.

(Suddenly, a TV screen turns on to reveal J.J. Abrams (Walter) speaking)

J.J. Abrams: Now it's sticking with what we know works.

NC: Yeah, that's our returning pilot, J.J..

Mandalorian: Returning pilot?

NC: We've gone through a few of them.

Mandalorian: All right, J.J., how do you generate this fuel?

Abrams: Oh, it's a special formula we use over and over.

(Several images of The Rise of Skywalker are shown as Abrams describes them)

Abrams (vo): Introduce poor hero dressed in white, hint at evil side even though that obviously won't be a thing, showing bad guy in all black serving seated overlord, discover bad guy has a good side, display ship battles where one simple thing always wipes the villains out, the hero wins, good bad guy dies.

Abrams: Rinse, repeat.

Mandalorian: Isn't there only so long that formula can keep this going?

Abrams: Well, we tried straying from it a few times, but the passengers didn't like that.

Mandalorian: Passengers?

(Another TV screen turns on to reveal an eager fan, played by Alyanna, holding a wad of cash)

Alyanna: You're doing great, J.J.! Here's some fuel for your ship!

(She throws the money into the burning ATM)

Abrams: Oh, thank you so much.

(Suddenly, another TV screen turns on to reveal a glasses-wearing fan, played by Malcolm, who's looking angry)

Malcolm: I'm not happy, J.J.! You're taking Star Wars in a direction I don't want it to go!

Abrams: Oh, sorry. I'll change course right away. (Drives his ship on a large swift turn) Better?

Malcolm: Quite.

Alyanna: Hey, that's not the direction I wanted!

Abrams: Oh, sorry. Switching back.

(He makes another swift turn, annoying the Mandalorian)

Mandalorian: Jesus!

Malcolm: Hey!

Abrams: Okay, why don't I fly in-between, making you both happy and unhappy?

Alyanna: Hmm. I'm pleasantly enraged by that.

Malcolm: Carry on.

(The Mandalorian turns to NC)

Mandalorian: So this is how Star Wars is right now?

NC: Well, are you really that surprised?

(Images of various Star Wars fans are shown, as well as posters and images from various Star Wars movies)

NC (vo): Star Wars, from its premiere in 1977, changed not only cinema, but movie fandom. Because there were only three films for so long and they incorporated so many different mythical storytelling elements, there was kind of this sacredness that was built around it.

NC: This resulted in, let's say, passionate opinions over the years.

NC (vo): Going from rose-colored glasses to slow disappointment, praising a creative genius, only to shun him later... (An image of The People vs. George Lucas is shown with the caption ""Genius"") ...and watching the franchise be bought out and be passed on from creative team to creative team. All of this gave praise, anger, memories, bad memories, no memories. Childhoods were reborn, while others were destroyed. What was once seen as sacred stories became, well, what they always were, movies. Movies, like any art form, can change people in profound ways, but to many, Star Wars was becoming a way of life, and any changes to a way of life is going to be met with some hostility. And, yes, I know. The majority of Star Wars fans aren't hostile or demanding, they're a lot like any other movie fans. But I'm talking about the fans the filmmakers probably listened the closest to, that being the ones who take it the most seriously. Whether it's serious love or serious hate, these movies are always guaranteed to get big reactions.

(Now we are shown the poster and images of The Rise of Skywalker)

NC (vo): And once again, Star Wars fans are passionate about The Rise of Skywalker, the final part in this new cinematic trilogy. Passionate angry or passionate happy? Yes. Again, everyone seems all over the map whether this progressed towards the familiar world we know and love, or regressed back to the same tired tricks.

Abrams: Good thing I'm in the driver's seat this time. If there's one thing I'm always praised for, it's how I stick the ending.

Mandalorian: Are you sure you're the only one piloting?

Abrams: Oh, yeah. Back to one creative poet leading the way. Nobody else calling the shots.

(As a dramatic choir is heard, we are shown that Abrams is not alone in his room. Also in the room is a figure dressed in Emperor Palpatine's clothing, but has the face of Mickey Mouse looking sinister)

Mickey Mouse: Good. Good. Ha-ha!

Mandalorian: All right. I guess explain how this "new-old" Star Wars works now.

NC: (looking nervous) I don't know. You might not like everything you hear.

Mandalorian: I'm not afraid.

NC: (smiles) Good. (Imitates Yoda) You will... (Suddenly, the Mandalorian fires his blaster at NC, who dodges) Okay, I had that coming. This is Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. The dead speak.

Mandalorian: Come on. Talk like a real person.

NC: No, these are literally the first words from the opening crawl.

Mandalorian: Christ.

NC: Yeah.

(The word "Spoilers" appears in a blue background with a "Ta-da" sound, before cutting to the movie, presented with reenactments by Doug and his crew. We are first shown an image of a radio with the caption, "Still alive, bitches!", before showing Kylo Ren (Jim) battling through a planet by using the Force to control his lightsaber without his hands, before arriving at a dark planet, where he discovers the revived but barely-alive Emperor Palpatine (Barney))

NC (vo): The voice of Emperor Palpatine is heard on a radio transmission, so Kylo Ren searches the universe so he can kill him off, fearing Palpatine might take control of the First Order. He finds him in a hidden part of the galaxy, where a legion of Sith fanboys have been growing an army.

Kylo Ren: I've come here to kill you.

Palpatine: But then you will never get the answers to the questions you possess.

Kylo: Are the answers disappointing?

Palpatine: Extremely.

Kylo: Okay, I'll ask.

Palpatine: Let's retcon this shit!

Kylo: How are you alive?

Palpatine: Something, something, Revenge of the Sith.

Kylo: Who is Supreme Leader Snoke?

Palpatine: Something, something, I grew him in a bottle.

Kylo: What's your major plan?

Palpatine: Something, something, we join forces, and I give you an army.

Kylo: Can I trust you?

Palpatine: Come on! You act as if I have a long history of backstabbing people.

Kylo: Okay, I'm in.

Palpatine: Good. First order of the First Order is to kill Rey. Why don't I have you put a quarter in so I can continue my shaky animatronic movements? (Kylo takes out a quarter and puts it in a machine, causing the crane carrying Palpatine to move about) Welcome to Chuck-E-Cheese! Let's wish Snoke a 72-and-a-half birthday. Make a wish and strike those candles down with all of your hatred, and your journey towards the Dark Side will be complete! Also, free tokens.

(The sound of children cheering is heard. We cut to the Resistance hiding out at a forest planet, where we see General Leia Organa (Tamara) training Rey (also Tamara) in the ways of the Force, as Rey puts down some rocks and a piano she has lifted)

NC (vo): While the Resistance is hiding out on Low Calorie Endor...yeah, they ran out of looks for these planets, so I'm just calling them what they're ripping off...as General Leia trains Rey as a Jedi.

Leia: It looks like Palpatine's back.

Rey: But I thought Palpatine was dead.

(We are shown the rest of the Resistance, Finn (Malcolm), Poe Dameron (Doug), Chewbacca, Rose Tico (Alyanna), Kaydel Ko Connix (Heather), and Beaumont Kin, who is shown with a Photoshopped image of Dominic Monaghan)

Beaumont Kin: We've had one Palpatine, yes. What about second Palpatine?

Leia: You need to figure out how to hear all the Jedis that have come before you.

Rey: Oh, that's an interesting addition. How often will we explore that?

Leia: Once more at the end.

Rey: Ah.

Leia: Wait. It's been seconds, and there's been no rush of movement.

Rey: Indeed. We need to It: Chapter Two this.

Leia: Right. (Speaks to the Resistance) Everyone, act panicky. (The Resistance does so) Poe, you try to get cheap laughs with unfunny small talk.

Poe Dameron: Got it. What's the deal with everything?

Leia: Finn, you try to continue to justify your existence here.

Finn: Right. (Speaks to Rey) Rey, there's something important that I have to tell you.

Rey: What?

Finn: I don't know, but I'm gonna ask you five more times.

Rey: That's the best you've got?

Finn: I'm a reformed killer Stormtrooper. How can you make me interesting?

(Rey shrugs in confusion)

Leia: Never mind. Just make small talk with Poe.

Finn: Got it.

Poe and Finn: What's the deal? What's the deal?

Leia: Everybody, go to different planets to find Palpatine.

(The Resistance runs off in several directions while acting like the Three Stooges. Rose is about to leave, too, until Leia stops her)

Leia: And, Rose...you stay behind and help out here.

Rose Tico: (relieved) Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Leia: Yeah, you've been through enough.

Rose: I am more than happy to be Jar Jar in the last two prequels.

Leia: Move!

(Rose immediately runs off, also in the manner of the Three Stooges. Rey, Finn, Poe and Chewie arrive in the planet Passana, where they witness a yearly celebration)

NC (vo): They make their way to Low Calorie Tatooine, where a festival's being thrown by the natives...

NC: (confused) Go, diversity?

(Lando Calrissian (Malcolm) approaches the group)

NC (vo): And among the celebration, they come across Lando.

Lando: Hi, I'm Lando.

(He immediately walks away. The group is then attacked by First Order Stormtroopers, but they escape by falling into a mysterious cavern, where they discover a mysterious dagger, as well as an injured snail creature, which is shown with a Photoshopped image of a Pokemon, and Rey uses the Force to heal the creature)

NC (vo): They then get chased down by Stormtroopers and fall into quicksand that leads them to a cavern, where they find a Sith dagger. Then they come across a hurt monster, but Rey uses her Force powers to heal its wounds.

Finn: How did you do that?

Rey: Oh, I just gave him some of my life force.

Finn: You used the Force to force life force?

Rey: No, I used the Force to force life force force.

Finn: Oh, that makes more sense.

(We go back to NC and the Mandalorian)

Mandalorian: Oh, I know what this is. We started playing around with that idea. One of our characters uses it to heal someone, and here's a mystery to what it is and to how it works.

NC: Oh, let me guess. You take your time and let the weight of the situation sink in?

Mandalorian: Pretty much.

NC: There's no time for that.

(We are shown Chewbacca in handcuffs, having been captured by the First Order)

NC (vo): We gotta get to saving Chewbacca, who's captured by the First Order.

Mandalorian: What? When did that happen?

NC: When we looked away for a few seconds. Keep up, man! Chewie's dead now!

Mandalorian: What?

(We see Kylo Ren and Rey fighting over a First Order transport which Rey believes Chewbacca is in, but Rey accidentally destroys the transport with Force lightning)

NC (vo): Yeah, we see Rey and Kylo Ren play tug of war with a prison ship, and she accidentally zaps it.

Rey: CHEWIE...!!

Mandalorian: What? Chewie's dead?

NC: No, now he's alive.

(We are briefly shown Chewie in a First Order prison cell)

Mandalorian: What? How?

NC: There was another prison ship offscreen, obviously.

Mandalorian: So he was captured offscreen and put in a different ship offscreen?

NC: Yes, stay on track. Now the prequels are cool again.

Mandalorian: Okay, that, I know you're lying about.

NC: No, it's sadly a thing. Listen.

(They turn to see Alyanna and Malcolm speaking)

Alyanna: I mean, they're not that bad, when compared to Last Jedi.

Malcolm: Yeah, I mean, I saw them when I was two. I figured I'm a good judge of cinema at that point. And the Emperor was cool.

Alyanna: Hey, J.J.! We want to see more Emperor!

Abrams: Oh, right away, right away. More Emperor on the beaten path.

Mandalorian: (shaking his head) This path is beaten, all right.

NC: Well, what do you do if you can't have constant exposition and jumping from place to place every few minutes?

Mandalorian: I don't know. Visual storytelling? Slow pacing? Short but relatable dialogue so you can understand character quickly?

NC: Why are you still on this? We just missed eight more scenes.

Mandalorian: Of course we have.

(The group arrives on the planet Kijimi, where they encounter Poe's old acquaintance, Zorii Bliss)

NC (vo): Now they're on Low Calorie Coruscant with a dash of Hoth, where they need the writing on the dagger translated, and one of Poe's old flings named Zorii can help.

(Poe and Zorii speak with each other)

Poe: You know, I've seen your face. I'm not sure why you're trying to keep it hidden.

Zorri Bliss: I'm trying to do like a Boba Fett thing, keeping my appearance a mystery.

Poe: For what? The four minutes you're in this trilogy?

Zorri: Well, here, you can see my eyes. (Takes off a part of her mask, revealing her eyes) Happy?

Poe: Not really. Your eyes look great. If you had, like, three eyes or something, we'd be more curious about what you look like.

Zorri: Let's talk about you.

Poe: (smiles) Okay.

Zorri: You really think of all the characters, people want to sit down a moment with you?

Poe: Hey, we're just trying to build up the drama of me about to become a general.

Zorri: Aren't you that idiot who mutinied in the middle of a chase?

Poe: I remember why I don't like you.