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Changes: Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

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''(The word "Spoilers" appears in a blue background with a "Ta-da" sound, before cutting to the movie, presented with reenactments by Doug and his crew. We are first shown an image of a radio with the caption, "Still alive, bitches!", before showing Kylo Ren (Jim) battling through a planet by using the Force to control his lightsaber without his hands, before arriving at a dark planet, where he discovers the revived but barely-alive Emperor Palpatine)''
   
 
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Revision as of 01:04, 2 January 2020

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

Star wars rise of skywalker nc

Release Date
January 1, 2020
Running Time
30:05
Previous Review
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Link
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(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, before we are shown a caption that says, "Like it even matters anymore...". The Star Wars logo appears in space and zooms out as a variation of its theme plays. Suddenly, a ship appears and blasts the logo to pieces. Piloting the ship is the Mandalorian (Malcolm). His ship approaches a large starship that has the Star Wars logo written on it. The Mandarlorian heads inside the ship and scans it with his tracker. His tracker beeps rapidly, and the Mandalorian notices the source of the rapid beeping: NC lying down on the ground, unconscious. The Mandalorian kicks NC awake, and after a beat, NC immediately stands up and rapidly speaks)

NC: Okay, so we got to get to the orange planet. We'll give it a name later. Next, we got to find the dagger of daggering. After that, we gotta cure some bugs with our new Force powers. We'll just mention it in passing. Go to the store, pick up some milk, grab the kids from day care. Oh, and you're the grandson of Boba Fett now. Trust me, this was all planned from the beginning.

Mandalorian: Wait, what the hell are you doing?

NC: Please, there's, like, 95 more errands to run.

Mandalorian: I came here to find Star Wars.

NC: Well...you're in it, man.

Mandalorian: I just remember it being more grand and awe-inspiring.

NC: (chuckles) Well, we've been doing a lot with it lately.

Mandalorian: Maybe too much? You look so beat and worn down. I don't think it was built to handle everything you're putting it through.

NC: Nonsense. This baby runs on the finest of fuels.

Mandalorian: Which is?

(NC and Mandalorian both look over to see a money-filled ATM machine on fire)

NC: True, it creates a bumpy, even inconsistent ride, but it still keeps this old girl moving forward.

Mandalorian: Funny. I remember when this ship ran on imagination and ideas.

Voice: Those were the old days, my friend.

(Suddenly, a TV screen turns on to reveal J.J. Abrams (Walter) speaking)

J.J. Abrams: Now it's sticking with what we know works.

NC: Yeah, that's our returning pilot, J.J..

Mandalorian: Returning pilot?

NC: We've gone through a few of them.

Mandalorian: All right, J.J., how do you generate this fuel?

Abrams: Oh, it's a special formula we use over and over.

(Several images of The Rise of Skywalker are shown as Abrams describes them)

Abrams (vo): Introduce poor hero dressed in white, hint at evil side even though that obviously won't be a thing, showing bad guy in all black serving seated overlord, discover bad guy has a good side, display ship battles where one simple thing always wipes the villains out, the hero wins, good bad guy dies.

Abrams: Rinse, repeat.

Mandalorian: Isn't there only so long that formula can keep this going?

Abrams: Well, we tried straying from it a few times, but the passengers didn't like that.

Mandalorian: Passengers?

(Another TV screen turns on to reveal an eager fan, played by Alyanna, holding a wad of cash)

Alyanna: You're doing great, J.J.! Here's some fuel for your ship!

(She throws the money into the burning ATM)

Abrams: Oh, thank you so much.

(Suddenly, another TV screen turns on to reveal a glasses-wearing fan, played by Malcolm, who's looking angry)

Malcolm: I'm not happy, J.J.! You're taking Star Wars in a direction I don't want it to go!

Abrams: Oh, sorry. I'll change course right away. (Drives his ship on a large swift turn) Better?

Malcolm: Quite.

Alyanna: Hey, that's not the direction I wanted!

Abrams: Oh, sorry. Switching back.

(He makes another swift turn, annoying the Mandalorian)

Mandalorian: Jesus!

Malcolm: Hey!

Abrams: Okay, why don't I fly in-between, making you both happy and unhappy?

Alyanna: Hmm. I'm pleasantly enraged by that.

Malcolm: Carry on.

(The Mandalorian turns to NC)

Mandalorian: So this is how Star Wars is right now?

NC: Well, are you really that surprised?

(Images of various Star Wars fans are shown, as well as posters and images from various Star Wars movies)

NC (vo): Star Wars, from its premiere in 1977, changed not only cinema, but movie fandom. Because there were only three films for so long and they incorporated so many different mythical storytelling elements, there was kind of this sacredness that was built around it.

NC: This resulted in, let's say, passionate opinions over the years.

NC (vo): Going from rose-colored glasses to slow disappointment, praising a creative genius, only to shun him later... (An image of The People vs. George Lucas is shown with the caption ""Genius"") ...and watching the franchise be bought out and be passed on from creative team to creative team. All of this gave praise, anger, memories, bad memories, no memories. Childhoods were reborn, while others were destroyed. What was once seen as sacred stories became, well, what they always were, movies. Movies, like any art form, can change people in profound ways, but to many, Star Wars was becoming a way of life, and any changes to a way of life is going to be met with some hostility. And, yes, I know. The majority of Star Wars fans aren't hostile or demanding, they're a lot like any other movie fans. But I'm talking about the fans the filmmakers probably listened the closest to, that being the ones who take it the most seriously. Whether it's serious love or serious hate, these movies are always guaranteed to get big reactions.

(Now we are shown the poster and images of The Rise of Skywalker)

NC (vo): And once again, Star Wars fans are passionate about The Rise of Skywalker, the final part in this new cinematic trilogy. Passionate angry or passionate happy? Yes. Again, everyone seems all over the map whether this progressed towards the familiar world we know and love, or regressed back to the same tired tricks.

Abrams: Good thing I'm in the driver's seat this time. If there's one thing I'm always praised for, it's how I stick the ending.

Mandalorian: Are you sure you're the only one piloting?

Abrams: Oh, yeah. Back to one creative poet leading the way. Nobody else calling the shots.

(As a dramatic choir is heard, we are shown that Abrams is not alone in his room. Also in the room is a figure dressed in Emperor Palpatine's clothing, but has the face of Mickey Mouse looking sinister)

Mickey Mouse: Good. Good. Ha-ha!

Mandalorian: All right. I guess explain how this "new-old" Star Wars works now.

NC: (looking nervous) I don't know. You might not like everything you hear.

Mandalorian: I'm not afraid.

NC: (smiles) Good. (Imitates Yoda) You will... (Suddenly, the Mandalorian fires his blaster at NC, who dodges) Okay, I had that coming. This is Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. The dead speak.

Mandalorian: Come on. Talk like a real person.

NC: No, these are literally the first words in the opening crawl.

Mandalorian: Christ.

NC: Yeah.

(The word "Spoilers" appears in a blue background with a "Ta-da" sound, before cutting to the movie, presented with reenactments by Doug and his crew. We are first shown an image of a radio with the caption, "Still alive, bitches!", before showing Kylo Ren (Jim) battling through a planet by using the Force to control his lightsaber without his hands, before arriving at a dark planet, where he discovers the revived but barely-alive Emperor Palpatine)

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