Star Wars: The Last Jedi
December 27, 2017
"Audiences seem split on the sci-fi epic, can Chris Stuckmann and Cinema Snob determine if this is good or bad? They join the Nostalgia Critic to help review Star Wars Episode VIII - The Last Jedi."
- Video Description
(After we see the Channel Awesome logo, we are shown the caption that says "You know when and where...". The Star Wars logo appears in space and zooms out as a variation of its theme plays. Suddenly, Chris Stuckmann crashes into the logo, making it fall)
Chris: Oh, my God. That was...
(Then he is suddenly risen up by an opening crawl, preventing it from moving properly)
Chris: Whoa! Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know what's happening. I'm sorry. Just...just...it won't stop.
(He then notices Nostalgia Critic and Cinema Snob dressed as Han Solo walking out of a flash of light)
NC: Stuckmann, are you stopping the opening crawl again?
Chris: Whoa. Critic, Snob, what are you guys doing in space?
CS: Oh, we just wrapped up our Force Awakens review.
NC: As well as just celebrated (imitates Chewbacca's roaring) Hanukkah.
Chris: Well, I just finished doing my Rogue One review with you. Continuity-wise, I don't think those timelines sync up.
NC: No, no. Pretty sure our two separate storylines match up exactly. Pretty sure.
CS: Yeah. It only feels like two years have gone by.
NC: (showing his bald head for a moment) Yeah, and we all look exactly the same as when we saw each other a couple seconds ago. (And CS points out his ring finger)
Chris: Do we? I'm pretty sure at least my teeth look different.
CS: Yeah, so step off the crawl so we can review The Last Jedi.
Chris: I don't know. If literally no time has passed, I don't think the crawl is gonna give us much.
NC: Look, this is how these Star Wars movies work. A few years pass by with each one, and the crawl always catches us up!
Chris: I'm telling you, Critic, they got nothing.
NC: Well, we'll be the judge of that, so step off!
(Chris shrugs and joins NC and CS as they look at the moving crawl with arms folded. It says "We got nothin'. The crawl's pointless, we got nothin'. Traditions, I guess. We're just gonna fill up this space here with the Meow Mix song lyrics. Meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow...")
Chris: Yeah, I told you. The crawl's pointless, they got nothing.
(Then they notice there are whopping SEVEN lines of "Meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow")
NC: All right, let's just get on with it.
CS: Oh, wait. I always wondered what the last lyric was.
(The eighth, ninth and tenth lines of "Meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow" appear, ending the crawl)
CS: "Meow." Lloyd* was right!
(Lloyd is the name of Cinema Snob's cat.)
NC: (sighs) Let's just get going.
(NC and CS clench both of their fists and touch their chests with them, teleporting themselves and Chris onboard a spaceship. Chris is startled)
Chris: Whoa. How did you guys do that?
NC: (sighs) Chris, there have been huge advances in the last couple of seconds since we saw each other.
CS: The Force, space technology, appearing wherever you want. All big breakthroughs.
NC: And we have those ingenious minds to thank for it!
(A porg pops out from behind a pilot's seat)
Chris: Porgs? They're responsible for all this?
NC: Well...what'd you think, they were just a toy ad named after Swedish Chef gibberish?
CS: (shakes head in disappointment) Shame, Stuckmann. Shame.
(The porg is shown holding a note pad with doodles written on it)
NC: The porgs are the most im-porg-ant part of Star Wars right now. They're even more central than the Force!
Chris: I mean, I like them fine, I just didn't realize they were so interwoven and everything.
NC: They are.
CS: Extremely interwoven.
(The three look at the porg, who looks back on them and slides his head back)
NC: Now, let them continue to figure out the mysteries of the universe while we start our review.
Chris: Man, I am so sorry again, porgs.
CS: They'll forgive you, Stuckmann. In time.
NC: (to the camera) This is our review of The Last Jedi, aka...A Porg's Tale.
(Images of the movie are shown)
NC (vo): The Last Jedi is Episode VIII of the Star Wars whatever-gy. It was highly anticipated, obviously, but also carried a lot of concern.
Chris (vo): They were also concerned it might be slightly underwhelming like many parts of its spin-off, Rogue One, so this film had a lot to live up to and several hurdles to jump.
NC: But thankfully, the porgs pulled us through. (glances at Chris) Unlike some naysayers that doubted.
Chris: I'm sorry. I didn't know.
CS: Shame, Stuckmann! Shame!
Chris: (annoyed) Stop saying that!
NC: So let's see how Last Jedi did with...The Last Jedi.
(Chris scoffs and rolls his eyes. Like before, as with most reviews of movies still in theatres, the whole review is presented with reenactments and occasional images. We first see General Hux (Chris) overlooking a space battle from his ship)
Chris (vo): After an impressive space fight on par with Rogue One...
NC (vo): All it was missing was Darth Vader ceiling-ing someone to death.
(We briefly see that moment of Darth Vader defeating the rebels in the Rogue One review before cutting back to show the Resistance ship escaping from the first order, with General Leia Organa (Tamara) flipping the bird at Hux, who becomes angry)
Chris (vo): General Leia escapes with the Resistance, angering General Hux, but especially angering Emperor-ish Snoke.
(Hux begins speaking with Supreme Leader Snoke (Brad), who appears via hologram)
General Hux: Lord Snoke, I assure you my hammy overacting will not be thwarted next time. Please don't use your Force...
Supreme Leader Snoke: To do this? (uses the Force to whack Hux onto the floor several times) Yeah, not feeling it, buddy. (Whack!) Think you'd have your stuff together... (Whack!) ...after our planet-destroying 8-ball... (Whack!) blew up.
Hux: I understand, your Snokiness, but we have a way of tracking them through light speed.
Snoke: Oh, that's cool. You'd think me being so powerful, I'd sense that.
Hux: Or maybe read a report on your desk every once in a while... (Whack!)
Snoke: No, I got apprentice shit to do. Speaking of, where's that douchebag from Girls?
(Kylo Ren (Jim) comes in and pushes Hux away)
Kylo Ren: He-hey.
Snoke: Three things.
Snoke: Kill your mother.
Kylo: Got it.
Snoke: Ditch the pointless mask.
(Kylo is now unmasked)
Snoke: And do a shirtless scene for the ladies.
Kylo: You have watched Girls, right?
Snoke: Of course, girlfriend!
(Kylo nods in agreement. We then see him in his ship, hesitating to kill Leia on her ship, until another TIE Fighter destroys the ship, leaving Leia floating unconscious in outer space)
NC (vo): Kylo Ren finds he can't destroy his mother, but luckily, the other fighters can, blasting her into space.
Chris: I'd be lying if I said this wasn't a little awkward, considering this is Carrie Fisher's last movie.
NC: Oh, don't worry. It gets even more awkward!
(Leia suddenly opens her eyes and begins flying, as the soundalike of the Superman theme is heard)
CS: (annoyed) Oh, come on, Critic! Show what really happened.
NC: That is what really happened! She goes "Shooting Star" on our asses!
(Leia's flying scene is shown with toned-down "Shooting Stars" by Bag Raiders playing and the galaxy revolving around her in the background)
NC (vo): Even if you overlook Fisher's passing and the fact that we're watching her cold corpse come back to life...
CS: That's a pretty big overlook!
NC: ...when did Leia learn to do something like that?
(Images of Luke and Rey are shown, as well as showing Leia flying again)
Chris (vo): We see how hard it is for prodigies Luke and Rey just to move rocks. How can she vacuum-suck her way back to the ship with no practice?
CS (vo): Maybe Luke and her were getting a drink one night and he said...
(We cut to Luke Skywalker (Doug) chatting with Leia at a bar)
Luke Skywalker: So, if by some rare chance, you're out Sandra Bullocking in space, just remember, hold your hand out to the nearest ship, the Force has got your back.
Leia: That's uncomfortably specific, but good to know.
Luke: Welcome to my world.
CS: It's weird.
(We cut to the planet of Ahch-To, showing Rey (Tamara) finding Luke and handing him his lightsaber)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Rey is still in the midst of handing Luke Skywalker his lightsaber.
Rey: Master Skywalker, I've journeyed far and wide to... (Luke throws his lightsaber away and walks off) O-kay.
CS (vo): Luke tries ignoring her, but the big walking carpet is a little more forceful.
(Chewbacca (Walter) approaches Luke)
Luke: Chewie, what are you doing here?
(Chewie's dialogue is shown with subtitles)
Chewbacca: The fans go nuts if you even blink wrong! Come back to stop their bitching!
Luke: I told you, I'm not a Jedi anymore.
Chewbacca: Okay, I'll just wait patiently for God knows how many days.
(He walks away. Rey is shown speaking with Luke as various moments from Force Awakens review play out)
NC (vo): Rey brings Luke up to speed with all the things that have happened since he's been gone.
Luke: So Han gave up these sequels to do Blade Runner sequels. That was a smart choice.
Rey: Show me the ways of the Force, then you can come back with me and restore balance.
Luke: No. I'm happy here, with my weird lizard nuns, my green-nipple alien milk, and, of course, the porgs.
Rey: My God, you have porgs here?
Luke: Yes. They have taught me more about the Force than I ever thought possible.
Chris: Okay, did they? 'Cause I don't remember that happening!
NC: I can't believe you missed how im-porg-ant they are!
CS: (speaks to the porg) Listen to him not, marshmallows of enchantment. (The porg nods. CS and NC glare at Chris) SHAME!
(Before Luke can leave Rey, R2-D2 displays the hologram of Leia. Annoyed, Luke mouths "All right" and goes off with Rey)
CS (vo): Luke still says no, but R2 shows him his frenching sister, which gives him the motivation to train again.
R2-D2: (also "translated" by subtitles) I guess I'll ALSO just wait patiently for God knows how many days.
Chewbacca: Wanna play that weird-ass space chess?
R2-D2: I'm tired of letting your dumb ass win!
(We transition to Star Destroyer chasing after Leia's pod, and then cut to Hux and the officer (Malcolm) at the control panel)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Hux is still chasing down Leia's ship, but due to some confusing techno jargon, they can't defeat them yet.
Hux: Tell me again why we're not firing at them!
Officer: They're too out of range.
Hux: But they can't even go to light speed!
Officer: No, they'd run out of fuel.
Hux: ...Then why don't we go a little FASTER that they're going?!
Officer: Look, we only have three settings on this ship. (The buttons on the panel are revealed to be saying "Light Speed", "Ridiculous Speed" and "Ludicrous Speed", taken straight from Spaceballs) Do you want evil or efficient?
Hux: Well, evil, of course!
(The officer resumes pressing buttons on the panel, and the chase continues)
CS (vo): While Leia is out of commission, the second-in-command, Vice Admiral Holdo...
(Hodor from Game of Thrones (Kristian Nairn) is shown)
CS: (chuckles) Boy, that would have been a different movie.
(Chris gestures, and Hodor is replaced by purple-haired Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo (Aiyanna), who smiles and waves at the camera)
CS (vo): ...is put in charge, and she seems less like an admiral and more like a working mom trying to keep her cool around her teenage son.
(Poe Dameron (Doug) comes up to Holdo)
Poe: We need some answers! We need to know what's going on!
Holdo: (speaking in a slow, didactic tone) I hear you, but I need you to trust my decision.
Poe: How? How can we trust you if we don't even know what you're doing?
Holdo: I need to keep things from you so that you can learn a lesson.
Poe: We don't need to learn any lessons! What we need to do is...
Holdo: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Poe: (tearfully) You're the worst Vice Admiral ever!
(Poe leaves Holdo, and she again smiles to the camera. Fade to another spaceship, where we see Finn (Malcolm) getting up with his arms folded, followed by a Resistance member Rose Tico (Heather), who waves cheerfully)
Chris (vo): This brings us to Finn, who just woke up from his kind of coma, and Rose, a technician who lost her sister in battle. (As he says this, Rose stops smiling and imitates wiping a tear from her cheek)
Finn: Rose, you know about space engineering. How are they tracking us, even though we use light speed?
Rose: It must be that new porg technology that's changing the world.
(NC slaps Chris on the head)
Rose: There's a codebreaker who can help us. We can sneak to the solar system he's at, bring him back, and he can hack the other ship.
Finn: Great. Let's go.
(Finn and Rose exit the scene. After a few seconds of silence, they come back, looking at the camera)
Rose: You coming?
NC: Um... We're good.
CS: All fine.
Chris: Thanks, though.
Rose: Are you sure? It's really exciting.
Finn: Yeah, we have space horses and everything.
Chris: Probably not as exciting as you'd expect.
CS: Yeah, I'm getting a "sidequest filler" vibe.
NC: Tell us how it went, though.
Finn: Come on.
(He and Rose reach for the right side of the screen to transition to the scene featuring them walking around the Canto Bight casino)
NC: (overlapping) No, no, we got that great plan. We don't need to... Please go back to Luke and Rey. I really don't want to do that. Come-
CS: (overlapping) No, please. No, no, stop-
Chris: (overlapping) No, no, please. No, no, no, stop, stop, sto-
(The transition ends, and all three groan in frustration. Chris does a double facepalm)
NC: All right. Let's talk about this scene.
Chris (vo): Finn and Rose are fine characters, but their subplot feels unnecessary and not very Star Wars.
NC (vo): They go to a surprisingly boring casino where the codebreaker is, but a lot of the time, it's just listening to them say...
(Finn puts his hand on Rose's shoulder)
Rose: (sadly) I was raised here among the people, abused to make the system of greed work. Social commentary, social commentary, social commentary.
Finn: Social commentary?
Rose: With political subtext.
(Finn gasps in horror)
CS (vo): Remember the pointless diner scene in Attack of the Clones and the pointless squid scene from Rogue One? Just combine those scenes together, and you have 1/4 of your movie.
(Back to Ahch-To, we're shown Luke speaking to Rey in the rain)
Chris (vo): What's unfortunate is that every time it cuts back to Rey and Luke, the story becomes so challenging and mythical.
Luke: I knew Snoke had already corrupted Kylo's mind.
(As Luke talks, we flash back to him in a cave observing Kylo sleeping and hugging his dog plush toy. Luke activates his green lightsaber)
Luke (vo): For a split second, I thought about killing him. But then I was like... "You know, nah."
(And then Kylo wakes up. Luke smiles sheepishly, and Kylo uses his Force power to make the cave collapse on Luke)
Luke (vo): But then he happened to wake up at that exact moment.
(Back to him talking to Rey)
Luke: And so...yeah. All of this is kind of because of poorly timed light switch.
Rey: My God. Let's continue to explore this and develop our...
(Suddenly, Finn and Rose walk into the shot)
Finn: Us again!
(NC, CS and Chris groan in annoyance again. After that, the background behind Finn and Rose changes to Canto Bight)
Rose: We freed some animals.
Finn: Space horses.
Finn: Oh, and we found the codebreaker, but he was busy and didn't do anything.
Rose: In fact, you can probably start a pointless MacGuffin count around now.
(Just as she said, the "Pointless MacGuffin Count" appears below them with the number 1 and a ding)
Chris: Awesome. Can you let us get back to Luke and Rey again?
Finn: Oh! Sure.
Rose: (chuckling) Silly us!
(After Finn and Rose walk away, the scene changes to Rey standing in a fog, with three small reflections of her behind)
Rey: Why would this strange section of the island be associated with the Dark Side?
NC: Oh, now, this should be interesting. (He, CS and Chris lean forward)
Rey: Perhaps because it could give me answers to my past, and the way of the Jedi is letting go of your past. What a fascinating conflict of...
(Finn and Rose interrupt her again by appearing from the right side and transitioning the scene to Canto Bight)
Finn and Rose: Drag! Drag! Drag!
(NC groans at this)
Chris: Haven't you dragged enough?!
Rose: We found another codebreaker. (She brings the hacker named DJ (Walter) into the shot, and he just stands there listless)
Finn: This is DJ. Oh, God, is that what we call you?
DJ: Yep. I'm a rogue who always plays in the winning s-s-s-side.
(NC, CS and Chris aren't amused)
NC: Is that supposed to be a stutter?
DJ: Yeah, but it's pretty inconsistent. Just like this movie! Am I r-r-r-right? (high-fives Finn) I'm gonna be the most utilized cameo since Gwendoline Christie.
(He looks at NC, CS and Chris, who are quite disappointed. NC clicks his tongue. And after that, we go to commercial. When we're back, Rey has already left Ahch-To to confront Kylo without Luke. On the ship, she sneaks up behind Kylo Ren's back and covers his eyes in a "Guess who?" fashion. Kylo turns around and sees Rey. They laugh together, even when Kylo brings out a gun and leaves the scene with her in hostage. The lightning strikes, as we go back to Luke on Ahch-To, who's trying to turn on a lighter and burn his Jedi temple and library)
Chris (vo): Rey decides to go to Kylo Ren because she feels there's still good in him, while Luke is thinking about burning what's left of the Jedi text. He gets an unexpected visitor, though.
Voice: Wassup, L-Dog?
(Luke turns around to see...Master Yoda's toy (voiced by Malcolm) serving as Yoda's Force ghost)
Luke: Back off, Master Yoda. I'm gonna destroy the Jedi tree temple thingy. At least...I think I'm going to.
Yoda: Less schlock, more shock.
(Yoda's ghost uses his Force. The tree is immediately struck by lightning)
CS: (amazed) Whoa! I completely underestimated Jedi ghosts!
(Luke looks in despair as his Jedi temple is burning)
Chris (vo): Talk about becoming more powerful than you can possibly imagine. That Muppet don't mess around!
NC (vo): You always thought the Jedi spirits were more of a guiding light, giving advice and wisdom. With that kind of power, you can have a friggin' Jedi ghost army like in Return of the King and win this war in two seconds!
Yoda: You must let go of the past and create a future of new challenges and ideas.
Luke: (after a beat) You do know you're talking to Star Wars fans, right?
Yoda: Bite my ass, they can!
Luke: ...Fair enough.
(We transition to Vice Admiral Holdo's ship. Poe returns, holding her at gunpoint. In the background, various creatures wearing the Resistance uniforms walk from left to right and vice versa)
CS (vo): Back on Holdo's ship, Poe takes over command by forcing her to surrender.
Holdo: (crosses arms) This is mutiny, Mr. Poe.
Poe: That's right. We're taking over. We're finally gonna put things the way they should be. I'm tired of listening to you, I'm tired of not getting all the answers, I'm tired of... (stutters a bit and looks around) Is nobody having a problem with me holding a gun at you and taking over the ship?
Holdo: Yeah, no. Everyone seems fine. Doing their own thing.
Poe: Yeah, I kinda thought there'd be a lot more resistance in this Resistance.
(Suddenly, Poe gets shot in the chest. He is shocked to discover the shooter is Leia)
Poe: General Leia?
Leia: Well done, Holdo. You got us to the planet where we can evacuate our fleets.
Poe: Wait. So this was all part of your plan!
Poe: Well...why didn't you just tell us before?
Holdo: (smacks her lips) Well...like I said before, to teach you a lesson.
Poe: What, not telling anyone the plan of risking a mutiny that literally just happened?!
Holdo: Well...mah, mmm, meh...mo.
Poe: Was that gibberish?
Holdo: No, that was an alien language.
Poe: What does it mean?
Holdo: It means SHUT UP!
(We cut to Kylo taking Rey to Snoke, who is sitting on a chair in a red room while guarded by four Elite Praetorian Guards)
Chris (vo): Kylo Ren takes Rey to Snoke and... (sees Snoke wearing an all-too familiar robe) What is up with that...
Chris: ...Playboy Mansion robe?!
(As porno music plays, we see Snoke in his chair, smoking a pipe while wearing his robe, which has a tag on it)
NC (vo): Yeah, Snoke is looking less like an intimidating villain and more like a crumpled-up drawing of Quagmire.
Snoke: Rey, baby, welcome to my pad. Do you like my Snoking jacket? I am totally gonna rule the universe.
(Rey and Kylo look at each other awkwardly as Snoke shakes a tumbler)
CS (vo): Granted, the CG on him is a lot better than in the last one, but some of this material is a little too on-the-nose familiar.
Snoke: Let me show you your friends as they perish in space. (Outside, a space battle is going on between the Resistance and the First Order) Let me loosen your cuffs... (releases Rey from her cuffs) ...because that's proven to be smart in the past. Let me... (quickly forgets what he's saying and picks up a folder, containing the script for Return of the Jedi) ...make this a little easier. (opens the folder and reads it, using one half of the glasses) Page 84, Scene 5.
Rey: Where you reveal there's no more good left in your apprentice?
Snoke: Yeah. (reads) Page 92, Scene 7.
Rey: Where you reveal that you've tricked me and you're more powerful than me?
Snoke: Got it. (reads) And Page 103, Scene 12.
Rey: Where you reveal you're going to kill me, but then your apprentice stabs you in the back?
Snoke: Right on, and... (realizes what she said) Oh, wait, skip that one... (Too late; Kylo uses the Force to activate Rey's lightsaber, impaling Snoke on the torso. Snoke looks at his fatal wound, then looks at the camera in confusion) Who the hell even was I? Would it have killed anyone to give me one sentence of backstory?
(Snoke dies, as Rey grabs her lightsaber and Kylo activates his, as they face Snoke's red guards together. Two of the guards (Doug and Chris) begin speaking with each other)
Guard #1: Oh, my God, Frank! It's like the second time we let the leader of the Dark Side get killed! I'm beginning to think the red guards are cursed!
Guard #2 (Frank): Uh, it's okay, Harry. Revenge is afoot.
Harry: Right. (grabs his walkie-talkie) Send in every Stormtrooper you got! (laughs)
Frank: Uh, Harry? What are you doing?
Harry: I'm calling for backup.
Frank: No, Harry. We got this.
Harry: I really feel like we don't.
Frank: Uh, you think more guards would have saved our Emperor?
Harry: Very much, yeah.
Frank: No. We use our ninja moves with no blasters.
Harry: Uh, I don't know, though. That sounds very wrong.
Frank: (rubs his body) It feels so right.
Harry: I think this is why we have two Emperors on our dead list.
Frank: Harry, we're the red guys. When has anything ever gone bad for a guy wearing red in sci-fi?
Harry: Yeah, guess you're right. Charge!
(Rey's lightsaber suddenly cuts the guards' heads off, and they fall to the ground)
Harry: (chuckles) We really suck at this.
(Harry and Frank giggle like Beavis and Butt-Head. After that, Kylo turns to Rey)
Kylo: Rey, come with me. Together, we can Page 92, Scene 4 of Empire Strikes Back.
Rey: That is my favorite page. But I can't. I know my parents were a bunch of nobodies who abandoned me.
Kylo: (becomes a bit confused) Not really sure what that has to do with...wait, what?
CS: Hang on. If her parents are nobody, why was the last movie building it up like they were somebody?
(Finn and Rose pop into the scene)
Finn and Rose: MacGuffin #2!
(The "Pointless MacGuffin Count" appears below them again with the number 2 and a ding)
CS: Oh. Um...what a twist, I guess.
(Captain Phasma (played by Doug, voiced by Aiyanna) suddenly appears and captures Finn and Rose, while revealing that DJ revealed the Resistance's escape plan to the First Order in exchange for his freedom)
NC (vo): Speaking of weird surprises, after it's revealed that DJ switched sides...
Finn and Rose: MacGuffin #3!
(The "Pointless MacGuffin Count" appears with the number 3 and a ding. BB-8 suddenly shoots at Phasma, while controlling a robot)
NC (vo): Yeah, great...BB-8 saves the day by gunning down everyone, operating a killer robot.
Chris: BB-8 weirdly has a body count.
(As the ship catches fire, Finn faces off against Phasma)
NC (vo): Thus, Finn and Phasma have a big fight that's been building up for a while.
Captain Phasma: Time to finish what we sort of started!
CS (vo): Unfortunately, it's cut short because Holdo sacrifices herself by aiming her abandoned ship at the First Order and putting it in light speed*.
- Note: Small mistake there. Holdo's sacrifice happened before Finn and Phasma's fight, not during.
(Before Finn and Phasma can hit each other, Holdo's ship comes crashing in in slow-motion, as Holdo talks with Finn and Phasma as if everything is fine)
Holdo: Oh, hey, guys! It's my last words. Crazy, right? (chuckles)
(The sudden crash causes Finn and Phasma to separate, with Phasma moving towards fiery danger. Phasma realizes what's about to happen and becomes angry)
Phasma: Is that all I get?! I'm Gwendoline goddamn Christie! I'm fifth least likely to die on Game of Thrones!
Finn: Sorry. We had to cut it short.
Phasma: For what?!
Finn: For boring casino FILLER!
(Phasma falls to her fiery death, as Rose approaches Finn again)
Finn and Rose: MacGuffin #4!
(The "Pointless MacGuffin Count" appears once more with the number 4 and a ding)
Finn: (suddenly looking bored) We need real surprises in this.
(A smirking Hux, meanwhile, walks towards an unconscious Kylo Ren)
NC (vo): Hux finds Kylo Ren unconscious and tries to finish him off.
Hux: (takes out his gun) It's the end of the line for... (Kylo immediately wakes up, causing Hux to change his tone) ...you've got something right there on your shoulders, just there.
(Kylo Force-chokes Hux)
Kylo: I'm in control now. Let's go destroy the Resistance.
Hux: (choked) Cool beans.
(On the planet Crait, Leia meets up with Chewbacca, and they hug)
CS (vo): On the planet below, the Resistance are cheerfully reunited.
Leia: (facing the camera) There. I hugged him. You happy, you weirdos? (Beat) And Greedo shot first. Ooooohhhhh!
(Suddenly, the First Order's AT-ATs appear and march towards the Resistance base. Ren and Hux are onboard one of them)
CS (vo): It doesn't last long, as the First Order sends in the AT-AT walkers.
Chris: Isn't it pronounced At-At?
CS: There's gonna be enough bullshit in the comments. Why worry now?
(Finn and Poe notice that the First Order has a new weapon alongside the AT-ATs)
Finn: Oh, no. A laser battering ram!
Poe: A what now?
Finn: It's...exactly what it sounds like.
Finn: I'm gonna sacrifice myself to it. (walks away, leaving Poe confused)
Poe: Yeah, I guess it did kind of explain itself.
(Finn, riding on a ship, speeds towards the large weapon, until Rose, on her ship, stops him)
Chris (vo): Finn tries to sacrifice himself to destroy the laser, but Rose stops him at the last minute.
(Finn holds an injured Rose in his arms)
Finn: Rose! Why'd you do it, Rose?
Rose: It's not about fighting the things we hate. It's about saving the things we love.
Chris: So you sacrificed yourself to stop him from sacrificing himself?
CS: Yeah...either way, someone's getting sacrificed...
Rose: Save the things we love, Finn. Now take my middle school kiss!
(She kisses Finn on the cheek and falls unconscious. Finn becomes confused)
Finn: Um, is that the kind of relationship we had? 'Cause, honestly, I think I have more chemistry with Poe.
(Poe calls from Finn's walkie-talkie)
Poe: Hey, thanks a lot, buddy! Now bring her back and be sure to keep it vague whether or not she's dead. We don't know if she's sequel material yet.
(Rose quickly regains consciousness)
Finn: Oh, come on. You're set for life with conventions.
(He drags Rose away. Meanwhile, Luke appears and reunites with Leia, giving her some dice before going off to face Kylo Ren)
Chris (vo): Luke Skywalker arrives, though, and sees his sister one last time before facing Kylo Ren, allowing the Resistance time to escape.
(Kylo and Hux notice Luke in their AT-AT)
Kylo: Don't even try and toy with me, Skywalker. I can see right through you.
Luke: (whispers) Shit. (checks himself, but resumes facing Kylo) Oh. Kylo Ren, I have come to apologize for failing you. Know that even if you were to blow me to smithereens, you would only increase the pain that you feel...
(The AT-ATs immediately fire on Luke and seemingly destroy him. Hux laughs and pats Kylo's back)
Hux: Ha! Look! Operation: Blow Him to Smithereens was a smashing success! You could even ask him yourself...aah!
(Luke is still alive; he just brushes off some dust from his shoulder. Hux is about to say something, until he sees Kylo is not there. Kylo is outside, charging towards Luke to attack him, but instead runs through him. Kylo, confused, walks towards Luke and feels him, realizing he's actually a projection)
Chris (vo): It turns out Luke has used all of his powers to project himself from entire planets away.
Luke: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You think this is the real Quaid?
(Luke vanishes from a defeated Kylo, while back on Ahch-To, Luke becomes exhausted. He has enough time to see the twin suns of the planet before dying and fading away. Rey is shown arriving to the Resistance and telekinetically lifting some rocks off Poe and Finn. All three celebrate...until the rocks fall back on Finn and Poe)
Chris (vo): But it drains all of his literal life force.
CS (vo): He strikes a Captain Morgan's pose and fades into the sunsets, allowing Rey to rescue the Resistance while he distracts them.
Chris: This will likely be polarizing for some fans, but here's a few reasons why I don't mind it.
(Images of Luke are shown)
Chris (vo): It shows that both Luke and the Force are continuing to change and evolve. That's what we want from our myths, isn't it, to evolve? What if after A New Hope, fans said, "The Force can't shoot lightning" or "The Force can't make you see ghosts" or "The Force can't lift an entire ship"? We would miss out on an ever-developing and ever-changing world that was being shaped and molded. So in my opinion, this is a great and even practical addition to what the Force can do.
CS: Yeah, but he was projecting the dice the whole time, too.
CS (vo): While he's fighting from galaxies away, killing what's left of him, was he really just sitting on that rock, saying to himself...?
Luke: Remember the dice, remember the dice, remember the dice, remember the dice...
CS: That just seems like a weird detail he would focus on.
Chris: Snob, who do you think taught him how to do that?
(He points towards the porg. CS becomes disappointed)
CS: Oh, my God. I questioned the porgs and brought shame to all.
(He brings out his blaster and is about to shoot himself, but NC and Chris stop him)
NC and Chris: No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
NC: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! That is not the porg way. (The porg nods) Oh, it is? Okay, continue. (CS is about to shoot, but NC stops him again) Oh, no, no, no! You know...Han's died enough.
(We see a little boy (Malcolm) on the planet Canto Bight, looking up at the stars)
NC (vo): Finally, we see one of the abused kids from the casino look out into the stars, imagining all that the future holds for him.
(Captions are shown in the sky, saying "Sequels", "Spin-offs", "New Trilogies", and "A Guardians of the Galaxy Crossover")
Chris (vo): And, yes, he even appears to be Force-sensitive.
(The kid uses the Force to pick up a broom)
CS: Last Jedi, my ass! This movie should've been called...
(Sterling Archer (voiced by Doug) from the eponymous show appears to say the new made-up title of the film)
Archer: Gotcha! There's, like, totally gonna be more Jedi.
NC: And that was the latest Star Wars movie. How was it?
NC, CS and Chris: Amazing…except when it was kind of dumb.
(Images of the film are shown as NC, CS and Chris give their final thoughts)
NC (vo): The more I think back to it, the more I do find things wrong with it, but at the same time, the more I think back to it, the more I don’t care, because I’m so distracted by how visually grand and emotionally breathtaking the other scenes are.
CS (vo): It has flaws, certainly, and for some, they might be too distracting, but it still feels like Star Wars. Even though it’s not going in a completely different direction, it’s still going in a direction that’s different enough to be entertaining.
Chris (vo): It borrows from more than just from itself. It borrows from classic myths, anime, religions and philosophies. It still knows how to keep us talking and asking questions, looking for deeper meanings, which is what any timeless myth should do. And I’m still looking forward to seeing what’s gonna happen next in a galaxy far, far away.
Chris: And after all this, I just gotta say...thank you, porgs, for making this all possible.
(The porg chirps and nods in response...until he's killed by CS's blaster)
CS: Okay, seriously, I did not like those things.
Chris: All right, but, uh...who's gonna fly the ship?
NC: Come on. How hard could it be-
(We immediately smash cut to the ship crashed in a now burning White House, and NC, CS and Chris standing in front of it)
CS: So I'll see you in Mexico?
Chris: See you there.
(They run off in different directions. The credits roll)
Channel Awesome tagline - Harry: That sounds very wrong.
Frank: It feels so right.