Star Wars: The Force Awakens (NC)

Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Released	December 30, 2015
Duration	21:02
Previous	Star Wars: The Force Awakens Trailer
Next	TBA
Link	http://channelawesome.com/star-wars-episode-vii-the-force-awakens-nostalgia-critic/

(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, before showing a caption that says, "A long time ago, an event took place that changed science fiction forever..." Then another caption pops up, saying, "Years later, just in time for the holiday season, the saga continues...". The Star Wars logo, with the title "The Hanukkah Special", appears and moves backwards away as a variation of its theme plays. We see the Millennium Falcon flying in space, being chased by a starship. NC and the Cinema Snob (who is dressed like Han Solo) are shown driving the Falcon. NC roars like Chewbacca)

Cinema Snob: (Speaking like Han until noted) I know your family's waiting. (NC roars louder) I know it's an important day! (NC roars and whimpers) Oh, for God's sakes! Use your adult words!

NC: (Sighs) I'm sorry, Cinema Snob. It's just...I'm so excited! It's the Star Wars Holiday Sequel, and we're totally retconning the problems of the last one!

CS: We're not going anywhere unless we outrun that giant slice of pizza.

NC: Why don't you just jump to light speed? That's always the answer.

CS: Oh, yeah. Why does that always take me so long to remember that? (He jumps to light speed, and the Falcon blasts off into hyperspace, eventually landing on a planet filled with trees. NC and Snob get out of the Falcon and look at their destination) Critic, we're home.

NC: Yep. (The destination is revealed to be the Wookiee house from the special) The same old coloring book color we're used to. Come on, I want you to meet my extended family for Hanukkah*!

*(Note: He says "Han" in Chewie's roar; he will continue to do that every time he says "Hanukkah")

(They walk to the front door)

CS: Oh, God. They're not a bunch of Wookiees like in the last special, are there?

NC: No, I told you, Snob. We're doing something completely different this time.

(The door opens, revealing...a Gungan)

Gungan: Oh, hello-sa!

NC: (Smiles) They're Jar Jars!

Gungan: Honey, wesa got the company!

(The family is revealed to be all Gungans)

Gungan Wife: Wesa got the company!

(Both the Gungan husband and wife cheer in their all-annoying voices, annoying CS)

CS: I could use a Jefferson Starship cameo about now.

(NC and CS sit down on a couch)

Gungan Husband: Now you sit-sa here and watch things while I go and make the dinners. (Walks away, then steps on something) Oh, pee-yoosa! Pee-yoosa!

CS: So what do we watch? Holiday specials?

NC: Oh, no, no, no. We partake in the most classic of Hanukkah traditions: we just sit around and watch stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with the holiday whatsoever. (Looks at their off-screen TV) Oh, look! The Force Awakens is on!

(CS sighs, realizing what they're reviewing)

CS: I see what you did there.

NC: It's very subtle.

(Images of the movie are shown as we go to opening thoughts)

NC (vo): The highly-anticipated sequel to the now poorly-named sci-fi trilogy is here, Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

CS: (vo; now speaking normally): Can it make up for the Siths of the past? Will there be a special edition where CG characters are replaced with puppets?

NC (vo): And most importantly, will it lead to more holiday specials?

CS: More?

NC: Come on. Halloween, Easter. Would you love to see how Jar Jar celebrates Black History Month?

CS: I'd rather ride with Jake Lloyd.

NC: This is The Force Awakens!

(Just like in Jurassic World and Pixels, instead of footage, we get reenacted scenes acted out by Doug and the crew. It starts with Poe Dameron (Doug) encountering the droid BB-8)

CS (vo): So it starts off with...oh, hold on a second.

(He and NC move the scene away so they can stamp big "Spoiler" captions all over the screen)

NC: Though what if somebody out there can't read?

CS: Then how would they know to click on the video?

(NC shrugs and takes us back to the opening scene)

CS (vo): It starts off with a Rebel spy giving secret information to a little droid just before Stormtroopers come in and separate them. (A Stormtrooper appears and knocks Poe out before taking him away)

NC: Wait, that sounds eerily familiar.

CS: Road Chip had the same plot.

NC: Really?

CS: (Scoffs) Who knows? You'll never see it to find out.

(We see the villains of the movie doing all their evil stuff, before revealing Kylo Ren)

NC (vo): Instead of the Empire this time, it's the First Order.

CS (vo): Which is just another name for Empire, isn't it?

NC (vo): Pretty much...as one of their leaders, named Kylo Ren, tells them to put the pilot named Poe on the ship and kill everybody else.

Kylo Ren: (To his Stormtroopers) Put the pilot named Poe on my ship and kill everybody else, especially Max von Sydow!

(Several citizens of the planet, standing alongside an image of Max von Sydow, scream in terror. Harvey Korman (Rob), dressed as the transmitter instructor, suddenly pops up)

Korman: This would be 001.

CS: (Grunts in disgust) What's Harvey Korman doing in this?

NC: Oh, he's a robot that lets us know when a good actor is completely wasted in a role.

Korman: #265: Max von Sydow. Gone, but not unforgotten.

CS: Does that happen a lot in this movie?

NC: Does the Jedi menorah have nine lightsabers?

(We see a menorah indeed having lightsabers on it instead of candles, before we go back to the scenes. We first see Finn (Malcolm) sobbing silently, stopping briefly to cheerfully wave to two Stormtroopers walking past him, before resuming sobbing)

CS (vo): But one Stormtrooper named Finn is shocked that being a psychotic killer means being a psychotic killer. (Poe helps Finn escape as they crash-land into Jakku, where the TIE Fighter starts sinking into the sand) So he breaks Poe out, but gets shot down to planet Not-Tatooine, where Finn presumes Poe's dead as the ship sinks into the sand. (Beat) And blows up. (The ship explodes)

NC: Perhaps it was allergic to sand?

CS: It is very coarse, rough and irritating.

NC:And it gets everywhere.

NC (vo): This is where we meet Rey (Tamara Chambers), a scavenger waiting for her family to return, who comes across the droid BB-8.

Rey: Well, aren't you an adorable-looking soccer ball with a stormtrooper's buttcheek on top.

(A laser blast sets the top of Rey's head on fire, and she puts it out before running)

NC (vo): But, the Not-Empire finds the droid too, (Rey runs past Finn, who is now wearing civilian clothes, and then he runs away when he sees she is being chase by stormtroopers) causing her to run into Finn, and the two of them team up, trying to escape. (Shows the Millennium Falcon with a sign that says "Not Worth Millions") They come across the Millennium Falcon, which they confuse for scrap metal....

CS: It belongs in a museum!

NC (vo): And they take off in it seeing how apparently none of these ships require keys of any kind.

CN (vo): Of course, all the TIE fighters miss them because only the drunkest of soldiers pilot those things, and they escape into space.

NC (vo): But because the galaxy is such a small place, they bump into Han Solo and Chewbacca's ship.

(the doors open to reveal a poorly drawn Han Solo and Chewbacca from the Holiday Special)

CS: Well, wait a minute. What's with the animation all the sudden?

NC: Well, through certain camera lenses, some people look like poorly animated cartoon characters.

CS: Uh-uh, not happening. (snaps his fingers and they turn real)

NC: Wait a minute. How's that possible? You're watching the special with me!

CS: That's your biggest question? You're not concerned why the Jar Jars are watching gay acrobatic holograms?

(Cut to a Gungan, played by Doug, watching the images of Jean-Claude Van Damme fighting of different colors)

Gungan: (laughs and slaps his hand on the table, hitting a pile of poop with a squelching sound) Pee-yoosa!

NC: You just don't understand (imitates Chewbacca) Hanukkah.

CS: Yes, because you never explained it to me!

NC: It's not something you explain, it's something you feel.

CS: (sigh) I feel like a scotch right now.

(Another squelch is heard)

Gungan: (offscreen) Double pee-yoosa!

NC (vo): So Rey and Finn explain their situation and Solo agrees to help them get the droid to the not-Rebels. After he's attacked by some people he owes money to.

Han: You just hide here until this pointless detour blows over.

NC: Pointless detour? That ties in perfectly with--

(A Gungan appears again, holding a DVD)

Gungan: Okay, time to watch the human pornographies I have for some reason! (gives a DVD to NC and somehow ends up with poop on his hand again) Oh, pee-yoosa!

CS: How is that even possible?!

NC: Well, this should fittingly explain how pointless this scene is.

(???)

CS: You sure this isn't the porno version of Star Whores?

NC: No, I think the plot would actually be more focused.

NC (vo): So Kylo Ren talks to Supreme Leader Snoke and--

(The Supreme Leader turns out to be very huge)

NC: Holy shit!

CS: What the Hell is that?!

NC: Oh, my God, that's the new emperor? He's gigantic! Holy smoke-- Imagine the possibilities you could do with this--

Kylo Ren: Supreme Leader, I am sorry we have to talk to you via non-cost-effective gigantic hologram.

NC & CS: Boo!

CS: That's for making me think you were awesome!

NC: Who knows? Maybe it still has a pretty good design.

(We see the Supreme Leader's face)

CS: I thought I said no more cartoons in this!

NC: Actually, I think that's supposed to look realistic.

NC (vo): Yeah, remember that (picture of) cheap-ass alien from Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? He's your emperor now, except somehow he looks even faker.

(Korman pops up)

Korman: Not to mention a whopping seven lines from the actor you're never allowed to see act, Andy Serkis. Ouch.

CS: Even the name Snoke. It sounds like an 80's cartoon about a bunch of colorful creatures that live underwater.

NC (vo): But he does at least let out this important bit of information.

Snoke: By the way, how is your father Han Solo?

(Snoke turns and looks dramatically at the camera. Cut to Rey, Finn and Han on the ship. Han looks uneasy)

Rey: Are you alright?

Han: Anyone else get a "you're so dead" vibe just now?

Finn: Not really.

Rey: In fact, I'm getting more of a "two more movies" vibe, to be honest.

Finn: Yeah, it's probably just you.

Han: That's exactly what I'm afraid of.

(A suspenseful sting plays and we cut to commercial)

(After the break ends we see the ship descend into a building with a sign out front that reads 'Moe's Eisley' with a picture of Moe from "The Simpsons")

NC: (vo) So after finding out the villain has a father-son relationship with one of the good guys, we go to a cantina where a ton of weird aliens hang out--

NC: Okay, none of this is ringing a bell as having been done before?

CS: Oh, I see where you're going with this!

(The bartender at the cantina turns to reveal she's Bea Arthur (Barney Walker) from the Holiday Special)

Bea: I'm Bea Arthur. Welcome to my watering hole.

Finn: (disgusted) Please tell me no more about your watering hole.

Bea: I wouldn't talk, Eraser Head.

(Finn balls his fists and moves forward to fight her, only to be held back by Han)

Han: Alright, settle down.

Bea: You're not even a real fighter. You want us all to run.

Finn: So what if I do?

Rey: Finn! Don't ever think that. Only fools and cowards run. (to Bea) Now, we hear you might have something that could lead us to Luke Skywalker.

Bea: Sure do.

(She tosses her Luke's lightsaber. Upon grabbing it, she sees frightening flashes of her past)

Rey: Got to run.

(Rey tosses up the lightsaber and bolts. Han catches it)

Cantina patron: Typical Mary Sue...

(Rey runs blindly toward Kylo Ren, who uses the force to knock her unconscious and catches her easily)

Kylo Ren: Huh. That was easy. (motions to his stormtroopers) Blow 'em up!

(The stormtroopers shoot at the cantina as Kylo Ren drags Rey away)