(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing trailer clips and screenshots from "Star Wars", Episode II: "Attack of the Clones")

Doug (vo): So, despite what you may think, even though I really didn't like "Phantom Menace", "Attack of the Clones", in my opinion, is the worst. Why? Because not only was so little learned from the mistakes of the first film...well, okay, there's a lot less Jar Jar...but this one is just straight out boring. It is dull. It's not very interesting to look at, it's not very interesting to listen to, the stilted acting is still there, the bad writing is still there, there's tons of things in the plot that don't add up...which wouldn't matter if I gave a shit at all what was going on, and I don't. Even "Phantom Menace" had the advantage that it was spectacularly bad, bad on such a big level. This one is just a boring...meh.


Doug (vo): Anakin Skywalker has grown up and apparently has yet to develop a personality, as he apparently comes across Amidala, who is now...not queen. Huh, another...election, I guess. But nevertheless, he's assigned to protect her after a few assassination attempts. The two eventually end up falling in love, but this is a big no-no, as, apparently, Jedis* can't fall in love. Well...that sucks. Not sure why that is, but, whatever. While their (Chuckling) incredible chemistry is being formed, Senator Palpatine* makes a decision to form a clone army. These will eventually become the Stormtroopers* that...have different voices in the later films that... (A picture of a confused Stormtrooper is shown with the question mark on the right) I think they're talking about actually replacing with Australian voices... (Groans) Never mind. And they're gonna take out more of that political nonsense you couldn't follow in the first movie, except this time, (A picture of Count Dooku is shown) Christopher Lee is in it. Well...that's cool. I like Christopher Lee, but...what's he doing there? What's his evil plan? More political talk that you can't follow.

  • A small mistake; the word "Jedi" doesn't have a plural form
  • Another mistake. He's actually Chancellor at this point.
  • Yet another mistake. After the Clone Wars, the production of clones was stopped, and the Empire has started recruiting people to be Stormtroopers


Doug (vo): And honestly, that's about it. They try to fill up all these other things going on, but it's not interesting, and since you can't really follow the political talks or the war talks or anything like that, I don't really know what it ties into, what's supposed to be important. We get a little bit of Anakin being separated from his mother, but he just kind of says he's upset and angry and...that's about it. There's not any more diving into it.

(The romance scenes are shown)

Doug (vo): The romance is kind of similar, too. They just kind of say they're in love over and over and find really corny ways of saying it and...that's it. You never feel any chemistry out of them because the acting is so stilted.

(Several characters are shown)

Doug (vo): At this point, I was starting to realize it wasn't the actors being chosen that was the problem. Now don't get me wrong. Some of them can actually do okay. Ewan McGregor is actually a pretty good replacement for Obi-Wan, Christopher Lee is always a lot of fun, and, of course, Palpatine is always great. Actually, I'm just realizing: it's all the Brits. The British people are the only ones that give great performances in these movies. Even in the first Star Wars films, [Harrison] Ford and [Mark] Hamill are a little whiny, but with the exception of James Earl Jones, it's all the British people that add the credibility to the movie. Maybe that's why Carrie Fisher tried to do the British accent. But, regardless, what I'm getting to is that unless you have a really, really good actor, it's hard to make this dialogue sound natural, and you have to put a lot of trust in your director that what you're doing sounds and looks good.

(An image of a scared George Lucas being surrounded by Stormtroopers is shown)

Doug (vo): And I think we've established that Lucas has been out of touch with being a good director for a while. So, yeah, I can't really blame the actors for how terrible they're reading these lines, they're hard lines to read. And if someone is giving you the direction to make it sound more and more bland, you're gonna just do it.

(Scenes and screenshots of Yoda's duel with Count Dooku are shown)

Doug (vo): One of the only things people really remember out of this film is the lightsaber fight with Yoda. People either seem to love or hate this and, yeah, I'm somewhere in-between. I understand both sides of the argument. On the one hand, yeah, it is kind of neat to see Yoda with a lightsaber. It's cool to see him jump around and shows that such a little person can still cause a lot of damage. But, like the other half of people, I kind of like the fact that all he had to do was wave a hand and a spaceship could fly by, like he was that powerful, all he had to do was just point a finger, he was that in touch with the Force. I don't know. I'm just glad it was something I didn't really see before, and it was kind of neat to see...albeit kind of goofy. (Chuckles) But trust me, that's nothing compared to the other goofy scenes in this.

(The diner scene is shown)

Doug (vo): Like a 50s diner in a galaxy far, far away. Yeah, this isn't like the Cantina in Mos Eisley where it's like, "Oh, it kind of looks like a bar, but it's still kind of its own thing." No, this is just a diner, designed a little differently. Did Star Wars have the 50s? Come on, there still has to be something other worldly about it, not just, "Oh, take a diner waitress and make her a robot". Boom.

Final thought

Doug (vo): And in the grand scheme of things, my brother brought up a really good point. He said, "What is the point of this film and the last one?" After seeing Revenge of the Sith, I realized there really isn't any. You could just watch Revenge of the Sith and you can figure out everything, that Anakin was in love, that he was emotional, that he wasn't ready to become a Jedi. Everything you needed to know was in that one. These two films were completely pointless. No character is developed, the political talks are impossible to follow and not very interesting, there is no real insight into anything. And between the two of them, this one seems the most pointless. It's forgettable, it's dull, it's not even that creative. You can't even really enjoy it for how bad it is...well, okay, some lines...but it's still mostly just a drag. Oh, yeah, that line makes it in the movie, too, from C-3PO. (Gets angry) Oh, it's so stupid! (Calms down) Anyway, if you want to rip it apart and nitpick it, there's more than enough material. But in my opinion, if you can't even say it's so bad, it's good, this is the Star Wars movie you can easily skip.

(A quick montage of clips are shown, ending with the scene showing Anakin killing a Tusken Raider)

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