Star Trek 9: Insurrection

(We open on a conference room at Kami-Con 4, where the Critic runs across the stage screaming in fear. He then runs into another conference room while still screaming at random fans in the audience. He then runs up on stage and sits in a large throne placed in the middle.)

NC: (Calmly) OK. First question. Uh, yeah (points to someone) Oh no, yeah that's a lot of fun. (Dissolve to another scene where the Critic is still talking with the audience facing the camera) And that's the first time I ever did it with a melon. I just want to say everybody. Thank you so much.

(The audience applauds as the Critic stands up, takes a bow, and runs off the stage continuing to scream. He then runs down a hotel corridor where he suddenly stops and looks to the side to find That Sci-Fi Guy looking from his room)

Sci-Fi Guy: Nostalgia Critic?

NC: Sci-Fi Guy.

SFG: What are you doing...?

(The Critic pushes him inside. Cut to both of them on the bed with a terrified Critic covering Sci-Fi Guy's mouth)

NC: It's him.

SFG: Who?

NC: Linkara!

SFG: Linkara?

NC: Lower your voice, Sci-Fi Guy! He can smell geek.

SFG: My god! Linkara. Why, in Star Trek circles, he's known simply as ... Linkara.

NC: Yes. The ultimate Star Trek nerd. He had heard about my Star Trek month. He wants to do a crossover with me on Star Trek Insurrection, but I won't let him. No no no. All his stupid little nitpickiness that nobody cares about is not going to spoil my review and I found the perfect hiding spot. He will never look for me here.

(He starts laughing maniacally with Sci-Fi Guy reluctantly joining in, then they stop and there is awkward silence.)

NC: Funny. I thought something would happen while we were laughing there.

SFG: Yeah, like maybe we got interrupted there...

NC: Yeah or someone would interrupt our laughing.

SFG: ... So you want some coffee?

NC: That'd be lovely. Thank you, yes.

(Sci-Fi Guy gets up from the bed. Critic then grabs the TV remote and lies down on the bed)

NC: Might as well see what's on the television.

(He turns it on only to find a pissed off Linkara wearing a Star Trek uniform on his spaceship staring disapprovingly at him)

Linkara: Hello, Critic. Start the review.

NC: (sobbing) Last time in the good Star Trek movie.

NC (as the 60s Batman announcer): Picard goes through a Borg identity obsessed with stopping his old arch-rival even though he's never really been that obsessed before. He follows the Borg back in time to stop man's first contact with the Vulcans. After ripping off Moby Dick 'cause ... that's what Star Trek likes to do, Picard defeats the Borg queen and Data goes through his I-Want-To-Be-Human bullshit again and First Contact is still made by the farmer from Babe. Will Star Trek continue to score big with audiences. I don't care. I get paid either way.

(Cut to the Star Trek month logo. Then cut to the Critic still in his hotel room)

NC: And now we come to the final film in Star Trek Month: Star Trek Insurrection, with special guest star, Linkara.

Linkara: Hello, adoring fans. I've come all the way here on my spaceship to talk to you about the most HATED of all Star Trek films.

NC: Wait a moment. This was the most hated? I thought it was either like the first one or 5 that was the most despised.

Linkara: That may be the case with other fans, but me personally, this is my least favorite in the entire franchise. So you need me here, or you'll screw this review up like you've done so many times before.

NC: What? When have I ever screwed something up?

Linkara: (Holding up a large stack of papers) In your Battlefield Earth review, you said that the Psychlos have never had an explosion on their planet when that's NOT what they said in the movie. It was that the air they breathed reacted violently to radiation.

NC: My god. You're defending Battlefield Earth?

Linkara: No. I'm pointing out the fact that you never get details right so we're gonna do this together so it gets done CORRECTLY!

NC: So, let's not waste any time. Let's dive right into...

(Sci-Fi Guy clears his throar off-screen)

SFG: ... Am I in this?

NC: Well, it's kinda just a duo thing.

SFG: But it's my room.

NC: Yeah.

SFG: ... OK, I guess I'll just go stand silently in the corner.

(He then proceeds to do so)

NC: Star Trek Insurrection.

NC (vo): So we open on the Shire as we see a peaceful alien people called the Baku taking care of their planet.

Linkara (vo): Funny how these people who don't believe in machines have an irrigation system set up for their crops. It's almost as if machines are helpful or something. And on top of that, the original series got away with people who looked exactly like humans because it was a low-budget 60s TV series. This is a multi-million dollar movie! Buy some damn forehead bumps or something.

NC (vo): But we see their starfleet personel in invisible suits keeping track of the people in the city.

• If I get any names wrong, I apologize for I have not seen the movie.

Computer: The android. He's out of control.

(Data's head suddenly appears out of thin air as the villagers react with shock, including a little boy who falls over.)

NC: My god. It's Jambi!

NC (as Jambi): Mecca-lecca-die. Mecca-die-you-hoe!

(Data shoots the building making it visible to the villagers)

Linkara (vo): He takes a phazer and reveals the Federation's base, which is remarkably close, isn't it? Wouldn't it make more sense to monitor them in space so that nobody bumps into it?

NC (vo): What? Did they do the construction in invisible suits? They never heard the invisible bulldozers put it together?

Linkara (vo): But heck with that. We have this subplot that goes nowhere.

Riker: Our guests have arrived. They're eating the floral arrangements on the banquet tables.

Beverly: I guess they don't believe in cocktails before dinner.

Troi: Are they vegetarian? That's not in there.

Picard: Perhap we should have the chef whip up a light balsamic vinaigrette, something that goes well with chrysanthemums.

NC: Wow. That was four lines in a row dedicated to plants.

Linkara: Gives you an idea of the "thrill ride" we're in for in this movie.

Troi: Remember. They have a significantly less advanced technology than ours. They only achieved warp drive(?) last year.

Beverly: And the Federation Council decided to protect it so quickly (*I know I got that line wrong)

Picard: ...our losses to the dominion and the council feels we need all the allies we can get these days.

Linkara: Remember this. I'll have a tangent on it later.

NC: What? He said the word dominion wrong or something?

Linkara: Yes, but that's besides the point. We'll get to it later.

Worf: Captain.

Picard: Mr. Worf.

Beverly: Worf.

Picard: What the hell are you doing here?

Worf: I was at the men's archives...

Riker: He's a little late, Geordi. Can it wait?

Geordi: (offscreen) I don't think so.

NC (as Picard): It doesn't matter. You're here. We'll cast you.

Picard: Welcome abourd the Enterprise.

Regent Cuzar: Captain Picard. May I welcome you in a time-honored tradition of my people.

Linkara (vo): So he meets up with the Oompla-Loopma queen as she partakes in the tradition of making bald men look like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.

Picard: But Data should've been back by now. They were only scheduled to observe the Baku for only one week.

NC (vo): But Picard-ahontas...

Linkara (vo): I would've gone with Jean-Luc-ajewea.

NC (vo): OK. That's pretty good ... is told about Data and has to go figure out what's wrong.

Picard: Geordi. Would you set up a security com-link with the admiral in the ad-room(?).

Random blue alien: Uh, captain? Horace Attislow(?). We met at the Mel-Beta Conference last year. Did you ever have a chance to read my paper on thermionic trans-conductors?

Picard: Would you excuse me?

NC: Who was that guy?

Linkara: I don't know.

NC: Well, you've seen all the shows. Has he ever popped up?

Linkara: Not that I'm aware of.

NC: Well, maybe he explain it in his next scene.

Linkara: He doesn't have a next scene.

NC: You mean. He just completely...

Linkara: Vanishes.

(NC then ponders for a few seconds to clips of the character)

NC: Who were you, blue man?

(Back to the movie)

Ru'afo's First Mate: Commander Data attacked us in a mission scout troop yesterday. I know what Data means to Starfleet, Jean Luc, but our proves of mercy are with the people on the planet.

Picard: If our first attemple to capture Data fails ... I will terminate him.

NC (vo): At least give us one more movie before we kill him.

First Mate: All right.

(A small ship leaves with Picard watching)

Picard: Come out. Come out. Wherever you are.

Worf: Sir?

Picard: It's something my mother used to...

(They are suddenly attacked)

Linkara (vo): Well, that was a thrilling backstory.

NC (vo): Yeah. I wonder what other character insights we're gonna glance over.

NC (as Picard): You know, this reminds me of when I was a little girl in the last...What was that?

Picard: Seeing how he responds to threats. I wonder how he would respond...

NC (vo): So in a maneuver that I don't really understand, they figure out that singing to him will somehow break his programming.

Picard: (singing) A british tar is a soaring soul. His nose should pant.

Data: (singing) And his lip should curl.

Picard: His cheeks should flame.

Data: And his brow should furl.

Picard, Data, and Worf: (singing) His nose should pant and his lip should curl.

NC: OK, has Star Trek just become a musical? Between Row, Row, Row your Boat; Lifeforms, and this, I've heard less singing on Sesame Street. I mean what Star Trek fan would actually enjoy this?

Linkara: (singing) His eyes should flash with an inborn fire. His brow with scorn be wrung.

Linkara: I love the classics.

NC (vo): So the singing surprisingly does work as they beam down where they see the Baku playing a friendly game of CG ball.

Picard: We were under the impression they were being held against their will.

Sojef: The artificial lifeform is not allowed to leave.

Picard: Apparently, he was taken ill

Tournel: There was a phaze variance in his positronic matrix which we were unable to repair.

Anij (Donna Murphy): I think the captain finds it hard to believe we'd have any skills repairing a positronic device.

Linkara: Well, yeah, since you clearly explained that you don't use technology.

Sojef: Our technological abilities are not apparent since we chose not to employ them in our daily lives. We believe that when you create a machine to do the work of a man, you take something away from the man.

NC: THEN HOW CAN YOU KNOW THE LATEST TECHNOLOGY!?!

NC (vo): Don't get me wrong. I understand studying technology, but how can you keep up with the latest technology on a planet forbidding technology withOUT any goddamn technology?

Linkara: Magic.

NC: Shut up!

Anij: But at one time, we explored the galaxy just to see you do.

Picard: You have more capability.

Anij: Capability. Yes. But where can warp craft(?) take us except away from here?

NC (vo): Yeah, I guess if Star Trek has taught us anything, it's that space is pretty boring.

Linkara (vo): I'm sorry but I'm not behind this, at least not in the way that these pompous jerks are flaunting it. First of all, you HAVE machines. We saw your irrigation line, you idiots, and those clothes look pretty damn-well tailored for people who don't have the ability to manufacture them properly. Second, this movie builds this place up as paradise, as Eden or Perfection, however their philosophy is the complete opposite of what Star Trek stands for. Star Trek in the end is about how advanced technology has done us so much good. It allows us to do so many great things and that the future is a bright one partially because we want for nothing. THIS movie, however, tells us that we need to get back to nature and be smug hippie-jackasses who reject technology and machines in favor of being so INBRED that we don't believe in any other colors for our clothes except brown.

NC: Yikes Linkara.

Linkara: I'm sorry but I really hate these people! They piss me off!

NC: What, do you hate Amish people, too?

Linkara: No, they hate me. But at least the Amish have religious reasons for rejecting technology. These guys are just dumb.

Linkara (vo): We see them using tools and in the end, what is technology but advanced tools?

NC: Well, on the bright side, at least we don't have to deal with them that often.

Linkara: They're the focus of the movie!

NC: Fuck!

NC (vo): But the atmosphere of the planet starts to play with the molecular structure which makes everyone get all ... for lack of a better word: pubertish. Worf grows a pimple. Picard gets all interjectic, and half the crew act like horny kids.

Troi. Yuck!

Riker: Yuck?

Troi: I never kissed you with a beard before.

Linkara: Ahem (presses a remote control)

(Cut to clips from the show of Troi kissing a bearded Riker)

NC: What was that?

Linkara: That was a clip from the show.

NC: Oh, god. Don't tell me.

Linkara: Yes. I have every episode of Star Trek in my ship's databanks. I intend to use them throughout this review whenever the continuity seems off. Come to think of it, we could've used some a few scenes ago. You want me to go back? (NC screams into a pillow) I'll take that as a "no."

Geordi: All I know is that he was functioning normally until he was shot. Then his fail-safe system was activated.

Picard: His fail-safe?

Geordi: His ethical and moral routines took over all of his functions.

Picard: What you're saying is that he still knew the difference between right and wrong.

Geordi: In a sense, that's all he needed.

NC (vo): Yes because the ethical battles of right and wrong are now easily programmable facts in the future.

NC: Hey, Data. Which of these is ethically sound?: abortion, stem-cell research, death penalties.

(Data's head explodes)

NC: That's what I thought.