Star Trek 7: Generations

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February 01, 2012
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(The review opens with the same 60's Batman themed recap. This time, it shows clips from Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country. Again, NC is the announcer.)

NC (announcer): Last time in the good Star Trek movie...nothing that really connects to this one so...fuck it!

(Star Trek Month opening title. NC is seen in his room.)

NC: And now, the Next Generation team takes over the plots that don't make sense. This is Star Trek: Generations.

(Star Trek Generations title appears)

NC (voiceover): Star Trek: The Next Generation was a big hit on TV for years, but in their first motion picture write-out, you get a pretty unbalanced, pretty nonsensical, and at times pretty annoying series of subplots that often result in this reaction.

Data: I hate this!

NC: So, let's not waste any time. Let's see how their first attempt at filmdom went.

NC (voiceover; a bottle of champagne is seen floating in space): We open with the voyages of the starship Corbelle where, as we see, it doesn't have a very long run.

(Bottle breaks on the Enterprise)

NC (voiceover): It's actually christening the new starship Enterprise, as retired Captain Kirk and... whichever cast members would work for scale, show up to give their blessing.

Enterprise B Captain John Harriman (Alan Ruck): I just want you to know how excited we all are to have a group of living legends with us on our maiden voyage. I remember reading about your missions when I was in grade school.

Kirk: Oh, really.

(Harriman just smiles)

Cameron (from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off): You’re my hero.

Chekov: (to Kirk) I’d like you to meet the helmsman of the Enterprise-B. Ensign Demora Sulu.

Demora Sulu: It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir. My father’s told me some interesting stories about you.

NC: (laughs as he speaks and opens the book “To the Stars” by George Takei) Yes, like how he originally wanted to be the captain on the Excelsior in Star Trek II, but you wouldn't let him. Uh, how you didn't show up to Gene Rodenberry’s funeral—that was pretty douchey—and how you’re just an all-around great big prick. It’s a fascinating read.

Kirk: When did he find time for a family?

Scott: Finding retirement a little lonely, are we?

Kirk: You know, I’m glad you’re an engineer. With a tact like that, you’d make a lousy psychiatrist.

(NC’s subtitle “Awkward Laugh” appears with a countdown with a “Ding!” on each number: 3, 2, 1; after 1, the subtitle “Engage!” appears. Scott makes a quiet but awkward laugh)

NC: (as Scott, chuckling lightly) I’m contractually obligated to like you.

NC (voiceover): So as they go out on their first trip just for a routine test run, there’s—say it with me now—(The audience says along with him the following added subtitle) A distress call. They’re the only ship in range, and they don’t have the proper necessities, but they’re going anyway.

NC: I have trained you well.

NC (voiceover): So it looks like an intergalactic tapeworm is threatening two ships as Star Trek proves once again that ANYONE who is NOT Captain Kirk is a pure incompetent! Except for these guys (an image featuring Star Trek Captains Jean-Luc Picard, Benjamin Sisko and Kathryn Janeway is shown), but let’s face it; they kiss Kirk’s ass all the time.

Harriman: Captain Kirk, I would appreciate any suggestions you might have.

(The song “Get Ready for This” plays out during the following dialogue exchange)

Kirk: First…move us within transporter range and beam those people aboard the Enterprise.

Harriman: They’ll tear us apart.

Kirk: Risk is part of the game if you want to sit in that chair.

NC (voiceover): Why do we let anyone anywhere do anything…

NC: (points) …without James T. Kirk?

NC (voiceover): They get close and beam up as many of the survivors as they can. One of them is being played by Malcolm McDowell. Good to know! Kirk saved someone who would just end up killing him in the end.

Scott: An anti-matter discharge directly ahead might disrupt the field long enough for us to break away.

NC (voiceover): But there’s some techno babble that needs to be resolved, so Kirk goes down below to partake in what Star Trek does best: vent porn.

(Kirk opens up a compartment labeled “Deflector SYS” to do some adjusting on the deflector relay)

Kirk: That’s it!

(Another explosion hits the Enterprise in the deflector dish area)

Demora: We’re clear.

Harriman: You did it, Kirk!

(Silence passes among the crew on the bridge)

Scott: Bridge to Captain Kirk. …Captain Kirk, please respond.

NC (voiceover; as Kirk): Hey, Scotty, this is Captain Kirk saying…(A sound effect of a woman screaming is inserted here)

Scott: Have Chekov meet me on deck fifteen.

NC (voiceover): So they see that Kirk has gone where most cast members wanted him to go before and we cut to years later. (78 years later, in fact) We see our new crew of the Enterprise on the Holodeck—still the most improbable of Star Trek inventions—as we see they're partaking in the “H.M.S. Pina-Worf.”

(As part of a promotion to Lieutenant Commander, Worf is required to jump for an officer’s hat hanging above him while he’s on the plank; he grabs for it and lands safely back on the plank, and the rest of the crew cheers for him)

Riker: Computer, remove the plank!

(The plank disappears from under Worf, and he plunges into the water)

Picard: That’s “Retract plank,” not “Remove plank.”

(“Wah-wah” music plays as the Critic shrugs his shoulders while also giving the Vulcan salute with both hands)

Data: (to Beverly Crusher) I must confess I am uncertain as to why someone falling into freezing water is amusing.

Crusher: Oh, it’s all in good fun, Data.

Data: I do not understand.

NC (voiceover): Oh, Data. You've only been here 12 seconds, and already, your bit is old.

Crusher: Do something unexpected. Get it?

Data: Got it. (He pushes Crusher off the ship, knocking Worf back in who was climbing out) That was…

Geordi La Forge: Not funny.

NC: Oh, no. You want unfunny? Wait until he gets the emotion chip.

NC (voiceover): That’s right, there’s an emotion chip in this movie, a device that…well, is pretty much humanity in a hunk of metal, which Data now feels he has to put in, seeing how he did the unspeakable crime of pushing someone into water.

NC: So, yes, you could say that his growth spurned from getting a woman wet.

(The audience boos before NC slams on his desk and stands up to exit off-screen with a cane, waving his hat on and off his head, as vaudeville music from One Froggy Evening plays out)

NC (voiceover): But Captain Picard then finds out some devastating news that he decides to keep from the rest of the crew.

(On the Enterprise bridge, most of the crew is still dressed in period costume)

Riker: Looks like the observatory took quite a beating.

Picard: Will you begin an investigation? I’ll be in my ready room. (He starts to leave)

Riker: Sir?

Picard: Make it so.

Riker: But—

Picard: Just do it!

NC (voiceover): Boy. Dodging responsibility, being totally emotional and illogical? He’s acting like a real boss! But they do find one survivor, though: Malcolm McDowell’s character, who we saw years before.

Tolian Soran (McDowell): Soran. …Doctor Tolian Soran.

(The Critic has his head resting on one hand while making a cue with the other; nothing happens, and he repeats making the cue a few times, but still nothing)

NC: What, no Lord of the Rings clip?

(A black title card reading “You Played Them All.” appears)

NC (voiceover): WHAT?!

NC: You mean for the four years I've been doing this show I've played every single clip from the Lord of the Rings movies?

(Another title card reading “Yep.” appears)

NC (voiceover): Well, great.

NC: Now what am I supposed to do?

(Another title card reading “Make up a Joke.” appears)

NC: Oh. Um…ever notice how the Soran here (An image of Doctor Soran appears on his left) sounds like the Soran from… (An image of Sauron from Lord of the Rings appears on his right briefly before he changes it to Sauron from the X-Men comics)…the X-Men comics? That was only around very briefly. I…don’t know how many of you remember that. You’d have to be pretty hardcore to…get that reference.

(Brief silence occurs before he does a cop-out, slams on his desk and stands up to exit off-screen vaudeville style again)

NC (voiceover): But that’s not important. We have Data’s annoying emotion chip to exploit.

Data: (after taking a drink) I believe this beverage has produced an emotional response.

Guinan: It looks like he hates it.

Data: (reacts by hurling a little before saying joyfully) Oh, yes! I hate this! It is revolting!

Guinan: More?

Data: Please.

NC: I guess it wasn't too bad as long as you don’t exploit it any more.

(A montage of clips featuring Data exploiting the emotion chip plays with the Merrie Melodies theme music in the background, beginning with him laughing)

Data: (uses a tricorder like a mouth puppet) No, Geordi, I have not. / Open sesame!

(Another clip of him laughing is shown. The Critic sobs and buries his head)

NC (voiceover): Yeah, they go on with this for a while.

(The montage continues)

Data: Very funny! / Mr. Tricorder. / I love it! / I cannot help myself!

(Another clip of him laughing is shown before the Merrie Melodies theme music ends)

NC: Okay, did someone slip in the Rob Schneider chip? Because I swear, I’M READY TO SMACK HIM!

La Forge: Just see if you can help me get these panels open, will you?

Data: (still using a tricorder as a mouth puppet) Make it so.

NC (voiceover): Okay, somebody please up the badassness of this movie?

(Soran comes in to punch La Forge)

NC: Thank you, McDowell!

NC (voiceover): So Soran fights for his research and Data chickens out because of the emotion chip. But a Klingon ship appears and beams him out while also attempting to kidnap Geordi. Yeah, I know, big shock. Geordi gets kidnapped in Star Trek.

NC: I’m sure they put him in a holding cell with Robin, April O’Neil and Princess Peach. (Such a Photoshopped image appears briefly) They start a poker game in every dungeon!

NC (voiceover): But while that’s going on, we do find out why Picard is so bummed out.

(In his quarters, Picard opens a photo album that he had been studying)

Picard: (to Troi) You never met my brother and his wife, did you?

Troi: No.

Picard: Robert…so opinionated. (He starts to sob) So…very gentle.

Troi: What happened?

Picard: …burned to death in a fire.

(NC has an awkward surprise look on his face)

NC: Um…

(He stands up to do yet another cop-out by exiting off-screen vaudeville style)

NC (voiceover): Yeah, pretty heavy stuff to lay on the first Star Trek: Next Generation film. I wouldn't mind so much except that it’s maybe even stranger by the fact that they were only featured in one episode, are rarely referenced, and even here, we just get a few sideways pictures of him. It’s kind of odd to devote so much time to this when really, we know so little about them. How are we supposed to get emotionally connected to characters that we never see in the movie, or are only referenced very briefly?

NC: I mean, it’s just—(His phone rings) Hold on one second. (He answers it) Hello? …Oh, no. My mother’s uncle’s nephew’s father’s brother’s sister’s cousin’s son’s grandfather’s great aunt’s niece just died? (Upset, he wails) MELISSA!!! (He sobs) Feel bad for me!

NC (voiceover): So we find out that Soran is teamed up with the Dura Sisters, a duo of Klingon terrorists who are helping Soran out with his plan in exchange for his deadly weapon designs. Only one other person knows what Soran is looking for, and it turns out it’s that chick from Theodore Rex.

Guinan: He just cares about getting back to the Nexus.

Picard: What’s the Nexus?

Guinan: It’s a doorway to another place that we call the Nexus.

Picard: What happened to you?

Guinan: It was like being inside joy.

(The Critic recoils in great disgust before we get a brief image of Joy Behar)

NC: EEEEWWWW! I had a feeling what they did behind the scenes on The View, but…EEEWWW! They should call it the “EEEWWW!”

Guinan: If you go, you’re not going to care about anything. All you’ll want is to stay in the Nexus.

NC (voiceover; as Picard): Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find the Nexus. It sounds friggin’ awesome! (normal) So the Captain and Data try to figure out where Soran is heading using a room on the ship that they’ve never used before and…will never use again, but it looks cool. However, Data is having trouble handling his emotions.

Data: I cannot continue with this investigation.

Picard: Are you having some kind of malfunction?

Data: No, sir. I simply…do not have the ability to control these emotions.

Picard: Part of having these feelings is learning to integrate them into your life, Data. No matter what the circumstances…

Data: I cannot!

Picard: You will not be deactivated! You’re an officer on board this ship and I require you to perform your duty.

NC (voiceover; as Picard): Just like the duties I dodged earlier because of my emotional matters!

NC: (as Picard) But I’m the captain. (He places his hands up to his ears as if teasing) Na-na-na-na-na!

NC (voiceover): So they find out that Soran’s going to wipe out a star to change the direction of the Nexus to make it come towards him, wiping out all other life inhabiting the planets in that solar system. They make their way there, but the Dura Sisters threaten them with hostage Geordi.

Riker: (to Picard) You can’t trust them. For all we know, they killed Geordi. They might kill you, too.

Lursa: (on viewscreen) We did not harm your engineer.

Riker: Then return him.

B’etor: (on viewscreen) In exchange for what?

Picard: Me! I will be your prisoner, but first you must beam me to the surface so that I can speak with Soran.

Lursa: (on viewscreen) We’ll consider it a prisoner exchange.

NC (voiceover): So…really with no plan in mind, they beam the captain down to the planet to talk to Soran while they beam Geordi back to the ship. Is there an amount of time he’s gonna stay down there? Couldn't the Enterprise just beam him back later, seeing how they're more powerful? Is there a reason the uniforms suddenly don’t match? And nothing’s adding up.

(After Picard is beamed out, Geordi beams in, collapsing to the floor)

NC (voiceover; as Geordi): Oh, it was terrible! They tried forcing my name to Toby! (normal) So Picard tries to reason with Soran while it turns out Geordi’s visor has been bugged with a camera so they (the Dura Sisters) can figure out where’s the best point to penetrate their shields. For God’s sake, nobody checked him out beforehand? I can’t go through airport security without having my BALLS touched, and yet they never inspected this guy who just came off an enemy’s ship?!

NC: Giving up our freedoms, my butt!

NC (voiceover): But hey, at least it puts Data in a better mood.

Riker: Can you find a way to scan for life forms?

Data: I would be happy to, sir. I just…love scanning for life forms. (He twitches once before pressing the buttons on his control panel musically and singing) Life forms / You tiny little life forms / You precious little life forms…

NC: (shrugs) It’s sing-along time again! This side of the Internet (gestures camera right), sing “Life Forms,” this side (gestures camera left), sing “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

(The Critic dances in his seat before we get the "Row Your Boat" clip from Star Trek V with sing-along lyrics and Kirk’s head serving as the bouncing ball)

NC: (sings) Row, row, row your boat / Gently down the stream…

NC: (imitates Data) You tiny little life forms / Do-do-do-do-do.

NC: (sings and dances in his seat) Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a— (switches to imitating Data again) You precious little life forms / Do-do-do-do-do.

NC: (speaks) Everybody sing along! (Beat) I said sing along! (Beat) I’m not continuing the review unless you do! (Beat) Yeah, what are you gonna do? Cut to commercial—?

(Cut to a commercial break. After that happens, the Critic scowls at the camera)

NC: …Dicks.

NC (voiceover): So it seems Soran has placed a force field around his missile that’s going to blow up the star. Uh, here’s an idea; um, why don’t you beam him inside the force field? That shouldn’t be too hard!

(The Critic, as Picard, sits camera right and pokes at the center of the screen before a force field appears)

NC: (speaks into his jacket as though pretending to be speaking through a communicator) Number One.

(He gets beamed to the other side of the screen)

NC: (still as Picard) Thank you! (Pretending to use his hand as a gun, he fires at something off-screen)

NC (voiceover): But he still tries to talk him out of destroying the star in order to get to the Nexus.

Soran: In the end, time is going to hunt you down.

Picard: It’s part of the truth of our existence.

Soran: What if I told you I’ve found a new truth?

NC (voiceover): You know, Soran, I think you’re making it more complicated than it needs to be. Blowing up stars, killing people, destroying planets…you know where the Nexus is going. Couldn’t you just save up your money and be like…

(An image of a shuttle appears)

NC (voiceover; as Soran): Shuttle, please.

(A “Ka-ching!” is heard before we cut to footage of the Nexus with NC’s animated shuttle flying into it)

NC (voiceover; as Soran): My God, that was easy! Hello, Nexus. How are you? Nyyahahahey!

NC: Is everyone’s common sense in the Nexus, too?

(NOTE: Fans of the Nostalgia Critic have argued that Soran can’t technically fly into the Nexus with a ship since it would explode; this mistake is further explained in the Critic’s later “Top 11 Nostalgia Critic F*** Ups Part 3” episode)

NC (voiceover): But the sisters figure out how to penetrate their shields and attack the Enterprise, who quickly tries to look for a way out.

Riker: Would a defective plasma coil be susceptible to some sort of ionic pulse?

Data: Perhaps. Yes. Yes! If we send a low-level ionic pulse, it might reset the coil and trigger the cloaking device!

NC: Yeah, yeah, I can’t understand it either. I’ll just sum what it always is.

NC (voiceover; as Riker): Data, can we blah-blah-blah the techno babble? (as Data) Maybe, if we yada-yada-yada, there’s a chance it’ll boomity-boomity. It’s very unlikely that it’ll humina-humina, but we’ll give it a shot, and of course it’ll work. (as Riker) All hands brace for boomity-boomity! (normal) So they pull off the…humina-humina, and the sisters are now defenseless.

(Explosions occur inside the Bird-of-Prey)

NC: Roll the explosion from Star Trek 6 to save money! Engage!

(The entire Bird-of-Prey is destroyed)

NC: Now partake in a funny line from the trailer…

Data: Yes!

NC: And we have our McDonald’s commercial.

(The clip of the Bird-of-Prey exploding is shown first, followed by Data going “Yes!” and then a clip for a McDonald’s commercial appears)

Announcer: McDonald’s Star Trek meal, available for your kids now.

(Back to the movie)

NC (voiceover): So Soran continues to listen to Picard pester him—Hey, here’s an idea; lower the force field and shoot him!—But he does eventually find a way through and try to stop him. Yeah, you know what you should have done? Lower the force field and shoot him! But even bigger problems are happening. The ship was hit bad and they have to separate the Enterprise in order to survive.

(All the members of the crew prepare for an evacuation towards the saucer section of the ship, including the children onboard)

NC (voiceover): Yes, be sure to move the children you always bring on this constantly attacked ship of peace! You know, if I so much as heard a Klingon say a bad word, I’d take my kid off. But in hindsight, we do see the real tragedy in all this chaos. (A little girl carrying a teddy bear around is picked up and taken away, accidentally leaving the bear behind; the Critic sarcastically speaks the following line) THE LITTLE GIRL’S BEAR! NOOOOOO! Oh, she doesn’t go back for it. We never see it again; it’s not even referenced. They just felt it was really important to show that a little girl lost her bear! Oh, the…bear-manity.

(As the saucer section detaches from the damaged engineering section of the ship, we see a tiny object fall down; the Critic uses a green arrow and a caption “Bear” to point at it)

NC (voiceover; sarcastically speaks as though heart-stricken): OH, MY GOD, THERE IT GOES! THERE GOES THE BEAR! OH, MY GOD! GOODBYE, BEAR! GOODBYE!

NC: (slaps his hand on his desk) Oh, the casualties of war! (Beat) We’ll bury him next to BallSack.

(A Photoshopped image of two gravestones (labeled “Little Girl’s Bear” and “BallSack” respectively) is shown briefly, along with the opening to the theme music from Titanic)

NC (voiceover): Now, to be fair, the ship’s separating is not only a cool scene, but it also leads to one hell of an awesome crash. These are some of the best effects in Star Trek history.

(The saucer section crash lands on Veridian III)

Ray (from Ghostbusters): Oh, that wasn’t such a chore now, was it?

(The caption “Out of Ghostbusters Clips” appears below the Critic with a “Ding!”)

NC: Oh, great, now I ran that out. I gotta see more movies.

NC (voiceover): But Soran does destroy the star and the Nexus comes right at him and Picard. They get sucked into it as the rest of the Enterprise and the planet get blown apart. We then see that the Nexus is in fact…Patrick Stewart doing another rendition of Christmas Carol? Oh, come on, guy, the tickets aren’t selling anymore.

(Picard is in a fancy living room reunited with his children, who all gather around to hug him)

Madison Picard: We love you, Father.

Mimi Picard: We love you.

Picard: I love you, too.

NC (voiceover): No, it turns out the Nexus brings to life whatever your deepest dream is, and Picard’s is that his family is back to life and totally happy. But a shadow—whatever that means—of Whoopi Goldberg is there to tell him that it’s not all real and that he has a chance to still go back and save everybody.

Guinan: Well, as I said, time has no meaning here. So if you leave, you can go anywhere, any time.

Picard: All right, I know exactly where I want to go. The mountaintop on Veridian III, just before Soran destroyed the star.

NC (voiceover): What? Why there?? Why don’t you go to where you first picked him up or when you decided to first go out there in the first place? Fuck, why don’t you go back and save your brother’s family while you’re at it?! What’s this shit about being put back in the moment you already know you lost in?! What are you, a MORON?!!

NC: Did everyone’s brains just get beamed out of their heads?!

Picard: I have to stop it. But I need help.

NC (voiceover): Yes, the most physically fit fighter the world has ever known—or William Shatner. Yeah, that…that’ll work.

(Picard visits Kirk at a Rockie’s farmyard; Kirk is chopping logs)

Picard: I’m wondering, do you realize—?

Kirk: Hold on a minute... Do you smell something burning?

NC (voiceover; as Kirk): By the way, I know a great place that does toupees.

Kirk: (handles a burning pan in the farmhouse kitchen) Looks like somebody was trying to cook some eggs. It’s all right, it’s my house. …At least it used to be. I sold it years ago.

NC (voiceover): So…yeah, as we pretty much partake in somebody’s fan fiction, Picard tells Kirk what’s going on.

Picard: This isn’t really your house. We are both of us caught up in some kind of temporal nexus.

(Kirk cracks open an egg and pours it into the pan)

Kirk: Dill.

Picard: I beg your pardon?

Kirk: Dill weed. In the cabinet, behind the oregano.

(The title logo for Star Trek: The Next Generation appears onscreen as we hear the beginning of its theme music)

NC (voiceover; as an announcer): Behold! Two of the greatest Starfleet captains of all time making eggs!

NC: (still as an announcer) Only one other thing can top off this epic pairing of awesomeness.

(Three slices of toast pop up from the toaster)

NC: (as an announcer, raises his arms up as the sound of an cheering audience is heard) Toast! We have toast!

(The word “TOAST!” flashes onscreen)

NC (voiceover; as an announcer): Ladies and gentlemen, toast!

NC: (as an announcer, takes off his glasses to dry his tear) Oh, my God, I've just soiled myself!

NC (voiceover; normal): So definitely kind of a strange setup, but it does lead to some interesting conflict. Kirk acknowledges that he wants to stay in his perfect past.

Picard: You’re a Starfleet Officer. You have a duty!

Kirk: I don’t need you to lecture me. I was out saving the galaxy when your grandfather was in diapers.

NC: You’re in diapers!

Kirk: (walks upstairs with a breakfast tray) This time, I’m going to walk up these stairs, march into that bedroom, and tell Antonia I want to marry her.

NC (voiceover; as Kirk): Remember all that stuff I said in Star Trek V about needing your pain and how we should embrace how it makes us who we are? Total 180! I wish I slingshot around the sun years ago and pulled this off! (He sings) Hello, Nexus, I love the Nexus! No responsibility, I’m gonna like it here.

(Cut to Kirk horseback riding out in the wilderness)

NC (voiceover): But Kirk starts to realize just how unreal everything is, in that no fear and no remorse is not always such a hot thing.

Kirk: Because it isn’t real.

Picard: Come back with me. Help me stop Soran.

Kirk: You know, if Spock were here, he’d say I was an irrational, illogical human being for taking on a mission like that.

NC: Spock was going to be here, but apparently, they only gave him two lines, so he said, “Live long and suck it.”

Chester A. Bum: That’s MY joke! First Family Guy, then Big Bang Theory, and now you, Critic?!

NC: Oh, come on, there’s enough memes on the Internet. What else have I stolen from you?

Chester: Well, how about my voice for (demonstrates the voice for the following meme) “Big Lipped Alligator Moment”?

NC: Well…it’s not like you really need the residuals or anything.

Chester: …(shrugs) Got me there!

NC (voiceover): So Kirk and Picard go back and try to stop Soran together.

(Both Kirk and Picard fight Soran)

NC (voiceover): You do realize that if you never go into the Nexus, you’d never be able to come back and do this properly. And here’s another thing: it looks like things are going awry! Why don’t they just let Soran continue with his plan and let the Nexus hit them? They can just go back and try it again, can’t they?! Hell, they can do this for all eternity if they wanted until they get it right! It’s not like anything of major importance is lost this time around. Just Captain Kirk!

(During the fight, an iron bridge is blown in half; Kirk has jumped to one half of the broken bridge, retrieved the pad and decloaked the rocket launcher before the bridge would break away and plunge downward with him on it; NC adds in the sound effect of Tom (from the Tom and Jerry cartoons) screaming)

Soran: (to Picard) Get away from that launcher! (He aims his phaser gun)

(Picard does so. Soran gets to the launcher to find the warning message “LOCKING CLAMPS ENGAGED”; he realizes what this means)

NC (voiceover; as Soran): I just wanted to go to the so’-‘op.

(The rocket attempts to launch, but it, together with Soran, is enveloped in an explosion)

NC (voiceover): So Kirk is lying under a bridge dying as he says his final words.

Picard: We made a difference.

Kirk: Oh, my. (He slowly dies)

NC: That’s right. Captain James T. Kirk, with his very last breath, did in fact…do a George Takei impression.

George Takei (from 3rd Rock from the Sun): (audio) Oh, my!

NC: (holds up George Takei’s book “To The Stars”) You win, Georgie! You win!

NC (voiceover): So he buries him under some rocks…not sure if they get him later or anything…and the shuttle comes to take Picard back to his ship. (as Picard) Oh, it’ll be good to see the ship once again—AW, DAMNIT! Number One, I gave you two orders while I was gone! Don’t blow up the ship and don’t sleep with anything! I thought the latter would be more probable! (normal) But as we look through the wreck, Data finds one survivor that he holds very close to his heart.

(Digging through some rubble, Data finally spots something)

Data: Spot!

(We see that Spot is a cat)

NC (voiceover; as a different announcer, speaks accompanying text onscreen as heavenly music plays): Spot Will Live.

(NC squeals for joy as he raises his arms up high and waves them before we see Data cuddle Spot in his hands)

NC (voiceover): So the ship is destroyed, but the trek lives on, as they beam themselves out and make their way back to space dock.

Picard: (speaks into his communicator) Picard to Farragut.

NC (voiceover; as Farragut): Whatchu call me?

Picard: Two to beam up.

(Picard and Riker are beamed up; in the last shot of the film, we see a spaceship fly across space)

NC (voiceover; as Picard): By the way, did I tell you I met Jim Kirk? (as Riker) What? (as Picard) Yeah! He’s under a bunch of rocks. Geeks are gonna complain about it for years.

(The ship and a couple other spaceships fly into warp speed, off to another adventure and ending the film)

NC: So that’s Star Trek: Generations. It makes no sense.

(Clips from the movie play again as NC gives his final thoughts)

NC (voiceover): And that really is the biggest problem of all. I can overlook some of the annoyances as it does have some real good powerhouse scenes later, but the plot threads are so nonsensical that it really does distract. It’s all over the place. Some parts are good, some parts are bad; I’m glad I saw it, but it could have been a hell of a lot better.

NC: But hey, on the plus side, Star Trek Month is almost over! I have only one Star Trek movie left to review! Do you know what that means? (Beat) No Linkara cameo! I haven’t seen him at all! Isn’t that fantastic? No Linkara! No bitching about the little technicals that nobody cares about! No talking about all the dumb little things that I don’t give a shit! It’s all coming together! It’s not gonna happen! There’s gonna be NO Linkara cameo at all! Do you hear me? NO LINKARA CAMEO AT ALL—!

(The title card “Next Week: Linkara Crossover” appears)


Channel Awesome Tagline—Data: (sings) You tiny little life forms…

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