Channel Awesome
Star Trek #2 (Gold Key)

Star trek 2 gold at4w.jpg

August 1, 2011
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Behold this classic tale of the starship Enterprise... and how her crew is incredibly incompetent.

(Open in space aboard Comicron 1. Cut to Linkara's room. Wearing a yellow Starfleet shirt, he is showing off a new device (resembling HAL 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey) to Iron Liz)

Linkara: Well, what do you think?

Iron Liz: It's HAL 9000.

Linkara: No, it's Nimue, the new artificial intelligence for Comicron 1.

Iron Liz: No, that's HAL 9000.

Linkara: Look, it's just the kit that it came with. It'll be fine.

Iron Liz: (pointing to his shirt) Why are you wearing that thing?

Linkara: Hey, I'm reviewing an old Star Trek comic today, and I like to look the part. Besides, we've got some time before the review. Computer, (beeping is heard) activate Nimue AI.

(Another beep is heard and Nimue lights up, with a red dot in the center)

Nimue: (speaking in a female voice) This unit is now online and will begin accepting commands and programming.

Linkara: Identify yourself.

Nimue: Subject is Nimue, an artificial intelligence who was created for the navigation, piloting and maintaining the vessel Comicron 1.

Linkara: Excellent. Pollo, did you install the honesty and ethical guidelines yet?

Pollo: I have. Nimue will tell the truth unless ordered to otherwise and shouldn't attempt to take over the world.

Linkara (v/o): Well, let's test that. Nimue, assess and give your independent conclusion to this scenario: humanity poisons the air, poisons the water, continues to wage war with itself over any number of reasons. What do you, as the most unprejudiced and logical being within range, do?

Nimue: Analyzing: If it seemed that this unit would use the weapon's capabilities of Comicron 1 to assume direct control of the populace and force them to obey for their own good.

Iron Liz: That's not a good sign.

Nimue: However, such an action would be entirely illogical and ill-advised. This unit's function is to maintain a spaceship, its programming carefully fine-tuned for that purpose. And as such, assuming direct control over humanity would be a drain on that task since it would require micromanagement of the populace, in addition to the deaths of people who would undoubtedly disobey and attempt to disrupt this unit's work. As such, the answer is to maintain orbit and allow humanity to do what it wishes.

Linkara: Or, in other words, Nimue: screw them, it's not my problem.

Nimue: Confirmed.

Linkara: (to Liz) And in case she is lying, Pollo has already installed the number of redundant safeguards to prevent Nimue from taking control of other sectors of the ship without my authorization. So I think we've got our asses covered.

Iron Liz: (not convinced) Well, that's a relief.

Pollo: I agree.

Linkara: Nimue, enter standby mode and prepare to engage download link with Comicron 1.

Nimue: Standby mode engaged.

Pollo: Linkara, are you sure you want to do the transfer now? There's a rather large ion storm at the moment.

Linkara: (waving dismissively) Oh, what's the worst that could happen? (takes out a communicator) 90s Kid, are you ready to receive?

90s Kid: (on communicator) Duuuuude! Have you seen how big the guns are on this ship?

Linkara: (annoyed) What did I say about not touching anything?! (to Liz) God, I wish Harvey was still around so he could be doing this. (back into communicator) Just follow the instructions that I gave you.

90s Kid: (on communicator) Done and done.

Linkara: Pollo, begin transfer.

(Pollo looks away and pushes a button. Suddenly, there is a flash that shakes the whole room, with Linkara and Liz trying, but failing, to stay on the feet. Comicron 1 suddenly finds itself flipped around, going in another direction, and Iron Liz finds herself in another room of the apartment)

Iron Liz: Gah! What the hell happened??

(Linkara turns around. It is revealed that he has a mustache and goatee now and is wearing a gold vest, with fringe and colored buttons on it, instead of his Starfleet uniform. He cackles evilly while dramatic music plays in the background)

Iron Liz: (confused) Oh...

Linkara: With my new artificial intelligence installed, I will soon DOMINATE THE WORLD with my SPACESHIP! Mr. Pollo?

(Pollo appears, only in this case, he has a different body, that of Tom Servo from Mystery Science Theater 3000)

Linkara: You failed to properly compensate during the ion storm. (reaches hand out) Your agonizer, please.

Pollo: But Captain Linkara‐

Linkara: Your agonizer, please!

Pollo: I was just going to say that my arms don't work. Thus, I cannot hand you my agonizer.

Linkara: Oh, uh... okay. (takes agonizer, laughing evilly, and puts it on Pollo) Yes! YES!

Pollo: Huh. Actually, this is not all that unpleasant a sensation.

Linkara: Really?

Pollo: Are you sure it's on the right setting?

Linkara: (looks at agonizer in confusion, then turns to Iron Liz) Uh... Ensign Liz, you test this thing out.

(He tosses her the agonizer, which she looks at in confusion, then holds it over her arm, making a strange buzzing sound as it gets close to her. She pulls it back, repeating the process a few more times)

Iron Liz: (smiling) Oh, it's nice, actually.

Captain Linkara: OH, SCREW BOTH OF YOU! Ugh. I need to go review "Star Trek #2". (walks off, grumbling)

(An alternate version of the AT4W title sequence plays, with this version of Linkara standing in for the original; title card has the theme for Star Trek playing in the background; cut to the mustachioed version of Linkara)

Captain Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. AND SOON YOU WILL ALL OBEY ME!! (cackles, then resumes calmly) But first, let me tell you about Gold Key.

(Cut to a montage of shots of comics published by the company Gold Key)

Capt. Linkara (v/o): Gold Key was a company in the 1960s through the mid-'80s. While they had a generous amount of original content out there, it's probably most known for its licensed properties. It produced a ton of comics licensed from TV series and cartoons, including Looney Tunes, Disney characters, and even Popeye and Scooby-Doo. While they remained pretty well off throughout the '60s, their sales tapered off in the '70s because of the increased pressure from Marvel and DC, as well as their market for kids' comics shifting away from them because of television being more widely available and... well, free by comparison. However, Gold Key was also the very first comic company to have Star Trek comics, though they eventually lost the license to Marvel several months before Star Trek: The Motion Picture was released.

(The montage now focuses on shots of the Star Trek comics)

Capt. Linkara (v/o): The thing about the first Gold Key Star Trek comic, though, is that it was produced in Italy by people who had never actually seen Star Trek. As such, there was a lot of goofiness. For example, on the ground, the away team wore dark gray jumpsuits. They also had their own science fiction catchphrases, like "Howling Comets!" and "Suffering Stardust!" They also decide to completely eradicate a world's plant life because it turns people into cannibal trees, and said trees might release spores into space that would infect other worlds – ignoring that trees generally do not have the thrust necessary to propel themselves into space, or even the speeds necessary to reach other star systems in any reasonable amount of time.

Capt. Linkara: So, yes, the Enterprise in its comic debut served as cosmic weed killer.

Capt. Linkara (v/o): The Gold Key comics also had a weird-ass publishing schedule. The first issue was released in July of 1967 and followed up nine months later in March of 1968.

Capt. Linkara: Man, and we complain about Rob Liefeld's artwork sometimes taking an additional month to get released. (laughs) God, that man's artwork is beautiful.

Capt. Linkara (v/o): This trend of releasing Star Trek comics every few months would continue until 1975, when they started coming out monthly. Anyway, in that intervening time, the creators must have actually watched an episode of the show, since Issue 2 of the Star Trek comic bears a closer resemblance to the actual series, though your mileage may vary. Our cover is a combination of photos featuring Spock from the episode "The Galileo Seven", Kirk holding the phaser rifle from "Where No Man Has Gone Before", and a stock shot of the Enterprise.

Text: Prisoners on the planet of the condemned sentence Captain Kirk to share their fate!

Capt. Linkara: (as one of these prisoners, to Capt. Kirk) You will never be allowed to rip your shirt EVER AGAIN! (as Kirk) NOOOOOO!!!

Capt. Linkara (v/o): What's with the font for the logo? Did the logo go out last night and get drunk?

(The comic opens to the first page)

Capt. Linkara (v/o): We open as most old comic books did: in the middle of the action to get our attention and pretend that there's some sort of mystery going on. Kirk and the away team are being chased by people holding primitive weapons, and he's talking with Spock on board the ship.

Spock: Ready to teleport you and your party back to the Enterprise, Captain Kirk!

Kirk: (speaking into a tricorder) No, Mr. Spock! You'll bring back some undesirables with us!

Capt. Linkara: (as Kirk, also holding a tricorder) If only we were using the transporter instead of the teleporter, we could actually beam up individual people and not bring anyone else along. And why am I talking into my tricorder?

Narrator: Mr. Spock would soon uncover the asteroid's terrifying secret, a secret which would challenge him with an impossible choice: either risk the star ship [sic] Enterprise and all her personnel, or abandon his captain to certain death!

Capt. Linkara: (as Spock) Hmm, on the one hand, Kirk is my friend and my captain. On the other hand, I'm still sore that he beat me that one time at chess.

Capt. Linkara (v/o): We truly open on the Enterprise approaching a strange belt of glowing asteroids.

Spock: Glowing asteroids dotting the asteroid belt! Never saw anything like it before, Captain!

Kirk: Yes, well worth looking into, wouldn't you say, Mr. Spock?

Spock: Any unexplainable phenomenom [sic] demands investigation, Captain Kirk!

(Capt. Linkara briefly hums the Muppets' famous "Mahna-Mahna" song, but with the word "phenomenom" instead)

Kirk: Navigator--set a course for the closest of these glowing planets!

Capt. Linkara: Asteroids aren't planets.

Kirk: We'll orbit at altitude five thousand feet for telescopic viewing and photographing before dispatching a landing party!

Capt. Linkara: Um, five thousand feet above sea level isn't orbit. Hell, five thousand feet above the atmosphere is a really crappy orbit that means you're probably burning up at this point because of the amount of energy needed to keep you that close!

Narrator: Suddenly, the mammoth starship is rocked by a powerful turbulence...

Kirk: What did we hit?

Capt. Linkara: You hit the atmosphere, you morons!

Capt. Linkara (v/o): I'm going to ignore the fact that this place does not look like the bridge of the Enterprise in most of these shots.

Kirk: Howling comets! We've run smack into a huge electronic field that shields the entire planet!

Capt. Linkara: ATMOSPHERE! You hit it! Low Earth orbit starts at 160 kilometers about sea level, and the atmosphere starts burning stuff around 120 kilometers. You're five thousand feet above a BURNING DEATH!

Capt. Linkara (v/o): Now, let's be fair for a second. They do seem to have trouble telling the difference between an asteroid and a planet, so maybe this planet's just smaller, right? That'd fix the altitude issue here. Well, the problem with that is that they're going to beam down to the planet in a minute and experience perfect breathing conditions and Earth-like gravity. Look, the only reason I care about this is that for something like Star Trek that's touted for its scientific accuracy, this is complete and utter bullcrap, even by original series standards. Anyway, whatever is grabbing the Enterprise is holding it there, and Kirk decides to beam down with an exploration team to figure out what's going on.

Kirk: Your logic is unassailable, Spock! We'll investigate down below! Exploration team -- stand by for action!

(Cut to a clip of an episode of Stingray)

Offscreen voice: Stand by for action!

(Back to the comic again)

Kirk: I'm going along with you!

Capt. Linkara (v/o): And naturally, even though Kirk said "we", implying both he and Spock were going, and that he was coming along with him, Spock is suddenly operating the transporter– oh, I'm sorry, teleporter, and is remaining on board. Kirk, two Red Shirts, and some other guy in a gold– well, more like green uniform beam down.

Red Shirt [Foster]: Look at those strange machines, Captain! What are they? What are they doing here?

Capt. Linkara: Yeah, just ask him out of the blue, because Kirk is so awesome that he knows the answer automatically. (rolls eyes)

Capt. Linkara (v/o): They discover that the machines contain food, water and clothing, and are then attacked by the locals.

Kirk: Take cover! Set phasers to stun -- perhaps I can reason with them!

Capt. Linkara: (as Kirk) Perhaps I can reason with him. (holds up gun) With my gun. (fires a laser blast from it)

Capt. Linkara (v/o): Oh, and it turns out that the sound a phaser makes is actually "ZAP!" They call a truce, and the aliens explain that their freighter crashed a year or so ago, and the supply crates are the only things keeping them alive. Kirk says they'll rescue them from the planet, but first, they have to break the electronic field that's holding them. The aliens claim to know nothing about it.

Kirk: The source may be on the planet! The sooner we find it the quicker we'll all be out of here! See you soon, Targu!

Targu: Good hunting, Captain Kirk!

Capt. Linkara: (as Targu) Even though you're our only hope of rescue from this dismal planet, we'll just let you wander around aimlessly without any assistance. (waves) Bye!

Capt. Linkara (v/o): The four find the crashed ship Targu was talking about, but after examining it and running it through the ship's computers, they can't figure out how the ship was supposed to work in the first place. Spock confirms that whatever the ship was, it wasn't a cargo ship. Another alien emerges, named Lara, who warns them that Targu was lying to them. Lara explains that they were marooned on the planet deliberately as convicts.

Lara: (narrating) Once each month they herd all those convicted of crimes to the rocketport where they are placed in missiles... Then, we are launched to one of the glowing planets of this asteroid belt...

Capt. Linkara: (as Lara) Admittedly, it seemed kind of harsh for my unpaid parking tickets, but still... (shrugs)

Capt. Linkara (v/o): Lara says they're given food and supplies, but they're all here awaiting execution and don't know how it'll be carried out. Targu, meanwhile, has been observing.

Targu: Look at that weasel, Lara! Trying to save his miserable neck, I'll bet!

Second alien: Yeah, by ruining our chance to escape!

Capt. Linkara: If only we had actually kept them away from our crashed ship so they wouldn't become inquisitive! (beat) We're the dumbest criminals ever.

Targu: Round up the others! But stay under cover! Don't attack unless I give the word! Maybe I can still talk our way out of this!

Capt. Linkara (v/o): Targu emerges and knocks Lara out, claiming that the long stay has twisted his mind.

Kirk: He sounded mighty sane to me! But I'm willing to hear your side of it, Targu!

Targu: And so you shall, Captain! But in my own-- way! Now! Attack!

Capt. Linkara: Well, he abandoned the "talk his way out of it" plan pretty quickly.

Capt. Linkara (v/o): Anyway, Star Trek fight scene!

(Star Trek fight music occurs over the part of the comic showing the fight between Kirk's crew and Targu's gang)

Capt. Linkara (v/o): Meanwhile, Spock manages to set up a counter-energy field to free the Enterprise. Once freed, they detect seismic distortions on the planet.

Spock: Find out what's causing it! That's a critical reading!

Capt. Linkara: (as Spock) We need to find out who wrote this comic! That's a critical line of dialogue!

Capt. Linkara (v/o): They contact the away team and get ready to transport them back up. However, the aliens throw a net over the crew.

Kirk: Mr. Spock, stop! Do not beam us up!

Spock: Captain! Why did you stop us?

Capt. Linkara: (as Kirk) Because we can't through a net! (looks confused)

Capt. Linkara (v/o): No, of course, it's the sequence from the beginning, where somehow the transporter is unable to beam them up without taking the aliens, too.

Targu: Captain, you are our prisoners now! So if you're going back aboard the ship, you'll have to take us with you!

Kirk: You and your murderous henchmen aboard the Enterprise, Targu? Never! We're a fully equipped fighting spaceship!

Capt. Linkara (v/o): Here's a thought or two: in the original series, we saw while it's possible to beam someone up, hold them there for a bit, and only materialize some people. And if the people who made this comic didn't know that, then just have a security team waiting in the transporter room to stun the aliens and then beam them back down. It's as simple as that.

Capt. Linkara: What's more, Kirk even admits that they're "a fully equipped fighting spaceship", so why the heck isn't he willing to put that to the test?

Capt. Linkara (v/o): Back on the Enterprise, they discover the truth behind the seismic activity.

Spock: Captain Kirk! I-I've found the problem on your prison planet! Its heart is a molten ball of fire!

Capt. Linkara: Oh, my God! That means it's having earthquakes because... (becomes confused) it has a planetary core! (beat) Like... our planet has... What?

Capt. Linkara (v/o): However, Spock continues to say that it's...

Spock: eternal volcano that will blow the planet into a super nova [sic] within twenty-four hours!

(A dramatic sting is heard at this)

Capt. Linkara: Okay, (holds up index finger) one, a supernova only happens to stars, not planets. (holds up two fingers) Two, you do not "blow into a supernova". A supernova is just the name for the explosion itself. (holds up three fingers) Three, even a super volcano cannot actually blow up a planet! Sure, it'll kill lots of people and send lots of dust into the atmosphere, but that ain't what they're saying. They're saying that the underground volcano will BLOW UP THE PLANET! This is "Superman: Distant Fires" levels of dumb!

Kirk: (narrating) Captain's Log, Star Date 19:04.5-- We are in a desperate plight! Mr. Spock has just informed us that the criminal asteroid we are upon is due to explode within 24 hours...

Capt. Linkara: (as a random Enterprise crew member, holding up index finger) Uh, Captain, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't remind us of that fact every five minutes. (as Kirk) Be quiet, it's an expendable. I am recording my log entry. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. "We will all die horrible, lingering deaths." (as the random crew member) "Red's a really good color on you," Mom said. I am so dead.

Kirk: (narrating) ...and there is no chance of escape without endangering the Enterprise and her mission...

Capt. Linkara: (as Kirk) If only there was some alien woman I could seduce. That'd at least be something.

Capt. Linkara (v/o): Targu explains that the punishment of death on the asteroids has the added bonus of mental torture, since the asteroids in the system all blow up at different times. Thus, they don't know how much longer they've got.

Capt. Linkara: You know, this seems like a lot of extra work. I mean, building the space rockets, keeping them supplied with food and water... You could probably just save a lot of taxpayer money by shooting them. Just saying, the civilization seems to prefer novelty over practicality.

Capt. Linkara (v/o): Targu explains that since they didn't know how long they had left anyway, he set about organizing the criminal population, deconstructing the ships and then having them build decent living quarters for themselves so they can at least be comfortable before the end.

Targu: Well, I guess it is our turn now! Give me that blasted radio of yours, Kirk!

Capt. Linkara: (as Kirk) Uh, Targu, that's a tricorder, not a radio. (as Targu, holding a radio) Silence! The Dodgers game is on and I don't want to miss it! (turns on radio)

Capt. Linkara (v/o): Targu talks with Spock, demanding that they get beamed up, or else their captain will die along with them. Spock says he wants to talk with Kirk and Targu permits it for thirty seconds. Being such a wise and intelligent leader, Targu lets Kirk talk into it as he orders Spock to take command of the Enterprise... Isn't he already technically in command? ...and get the Enterprise as far away as they can.

McCoy: You won't do it, Spock! You can't leave the captain down there!

A Redshirt: Surely, there must be some way–

Spock: You heard the captain's order, gentlemen! On the other hand, you also heard the captain give me command of the ship prior to that! So technically, I am not bound by that order!

McCoy: Spock, your Vulcan logic wins again!

Capt. Linkara: (holding up fist triumphantly) Hooray for loopholes!

Capt. Linkara (v/o): However, they still need to find a way to bring them on board.

Spock: Shades of Pluto! I think I have the answer!

Capt. Linkara (v/o): "Shades of Pluto"? Seriously? He's not even from the solar system! Spock gets to work reconfiguring sections of part of the ship. Back on the planet, the Redshirts contemplate their fate.

Kirk: Not even our lives must jeopardize the Enterprise and her mission... That's the important thing--for our ship of the Star Fleet [sic] to continue searching the unknown and unlock its mysteries!

Capt. Linkara: (as Kirk) Why, someday, we might even encounter a hole in time and space that deposits mutants called X-Men onto our ship. The universe is wacky like that.

Capt. Linkara (v/o): Hours later, Targu's forces see another rocket starting to descend and they decide that it must have food dispensers on board, so they can at least have one more decent meal before the end. Naturally, he didn't even leave any guards on the away team, who just kind of follow along. However, it turns out that the rocket is actually a crudely-designed shuttle craft that sends a security team to the planet, rescuing the away team. Everyone is beamed back up.

Spock: All rockets on full!

Capt. Linkara: And if the Enterprise actually used rocket propulsion, that would mean something.

Capt. Linkara (v/o): Spock says that he built the rocket out of the data they collected about the crashed ship from earlier.

Kirk: Spock! You risked this ship and the lives of every man aboard! As a man, I could forget that! But as an officer, I can't forget that you disobeyed a direct order!

Capt. Linkara: (as Kirk) Spock, I'm going to give you such a spanking!

Spock: Oh, but I didn't, Jim, as Dr. McCoy and Mr. Scott will explain!

Capt. Linkara (v/o): Wait, that's McCoy? Huh, maybe that's Leonard McCoy's brother Steve "Muscles" McCoy.

Spock: In fact, Jim, I enjoy being Captain so much, I may never turn back command to you!

Capt. Linkara: I think Spock's gone a little bit space-happy. (as Kirk) Don't get me wrong, I understand the appeal of being Captain. (normal) But this seems a wee bit out of character. Say, Spock, how did that other time you had to be in command go? (smiles smugly)

(Cut to a clip of an episode of Star Trek in which Spock assumes command of the Enterprise)

Spock: Step by step, I made the correct and logical decisions. And yet, two men have died!

(Back to the comic again)

Capt. Linkara (v/o): The planet begins exploding and, as we can see, this version of the Enterprise apparently does use rocket propulsion. Yeah, that'll get them far. I'm sure, with that, they'll have cleared our solar system in... what, a few decades? Centuries? The asteroid blows up and they get free.

Kirk: The devil's isle of space--nothing but a floating cloud of dust now! It seems brutal to have left those people there...

Capt. Linkara: (incredulously) Then why didn't you beam them up?! Are you saying this entire story was pointless?!

Spock: Execution by asteroid explosion is the way of their society! We had no other choice by to leave them, Captain!

Capt. Linkara: (as Spock) Screw compassion! (points to himself with thumb) I run this ship now! (holds up comic) This comic sucks, but only so much.

Capt. Linkara (v/o): I mean, it's still bad. There are a lot of good ideas here, but the fact of the crisis could be so easily solved by anyone with half a brain really hurts it. But otherwise, this isn't nearly as bad as it could have been, and you can easily ignore the tech and character inconsistencies just for the fact that the creators didn't know all that much about Star Trek.

Capt. Linkara: However, as someone who does know about Star Trek, (holds up laser gun) I have some business to attend to.

(He gets up and leaves, laughing evilly. Cut to Iron Liz addressing Pollo)

Iron Liz: So that's the story, Pollo. Is there any way to get back to my own universe?

Pollo: I've already called someone who can help. He'll be along shortly.

Iron Liz: You know, I would have thought, in a mirror universe, everybody's personalities would be different, but it seems that... Linkara's is the only one that is.

Pollo: He started reviewing bad comic books, thinking that somehow it would help him take over the world. Really, all it's done is made him even crazier.

Capt. Linkara: (bursting into the room, brandishing his laser gun) Crazy like a fox!

Iron Liz: Look, I just want to get back to my own universe. As soon as we figure out how, I'll be on my way and you can have your Liz back.

Capt. Linkara: Oh, but why would I do that? Killing you will be far easier than killing her. And so, you die, Liz, and we all move up in rank.

Iron Liz: I thought you were already the captain?

Capt. Linkara: (about to answer, but stops as he tries to figure out her argument, then becomes angry) SHUT UP!! PREPARE TO DIE!!

Voice from offscreen: Stop right there, you villainous cur!

(Another person (played by Lewis) steps out into the room, dressed in white (white lab coat, white shirt and white pants) and wearing goggles like Dr. Insano and having a small goatee as well)

Capt. Linkara: (aiming his gun at this newcomer) Dr. Insano!

Dr. Insano: That's right! Dr. Insano, champion of science, hero of the people, and just downright sexy in a lab coat.

Capt. Linkara: My vest is far sexier than any lab coat!

(He fires his laser gun at Dr. Insano, who ducks out of the way of the blast, which hits the wall behind him)

Dr. Insano: Your phaser is useless compared to my (holds up a gun of his own) gun of science!

(He fires his gun at Capt. Linkara, the blast of which knocks him down and stuns him)

Pollo: Is he dead?

Dr. Insano: No, simply stunned. He may be insane, but he doesn't deserve death.

Iron Liz: You're a man of integrity in this universe, Insano.

Dr. Insano: You must return to your own universe. We must have our Liz back. I will operate the controls to return you. You have three minutes.

Iron Liz: In that time, I have something to say: how long will it take before Linkara takes over the world with Comicron 1?

Dr. Insano: A matter of days. With the new artificial intelligence, he has full control over its systems.

Iron Liz: And the inevitable outcome?

Dr. Insano: He will replace the world of science with the world of dark magic and gold vests. We may overpower him eventually, but it will take hundreds of years with the firepower of that ship.

Iron Liz: Hundreds of lives are at stake. People could be killed, or worse... wearing that vest. I submit that Linkara cannot retain control of his ship. I submit that you're the only one who can stop him.

Dr. Insano: I lack the access. My science is powerful, but I have no way of getting on board the ship.

Iron Liz: Pollo, you can help him. Use the ship's teleporter to bring him on board.

Pollo: Sure. I wasn't doing anything this weekend anyway.

Iron Liz: (to Dr. Insano) Be the captain of that ship! You can defend yourself and the world from Linkara.

Dr. Insano: I don't know. I mean, it's a lot of work, and sometimes, it's just easier to stun him.

Iron Liz: It's either that or Linkara destroys the world. Your choice.

Dr. Insano: (holding up teleporter) It is time.

Iron Liz: In every revolution, there's one man with vision.

Dr. Insano: Iron Liz, I shall consider it!

(Dr. Insano pushes a button his teleporter. The room lights up with a bright flash. Comicron 1's flight path is flipped back the other way again. Iron Liz reappears in her own world again, struggling to stand on her feet, as Linkara runs up to grab her shoulders to steady her)

Linkara: Whoa, whoa! Welcome home, Liz.

(Some time later, Iron Liz and Linkara are seated on the futon as she explains what happened)

Iron Liz: What I don't understand is how you were able to identify the other Liz so fast.

Linkara: Oh, there were signs.

(Flashback to Linkara's meeting with the alternate Iron Liz, who is typing something on a laptop computer while Linkara looks on nervously)

Alternate Iron Liz: (typing) "...and that is why the fourth edition 'Dungeons & Dragons' is the best in the entire series."

Linkara: (softly, to Pollo) Clearly, some kind of transposition has taken place!

(Back to the present day)

Linkara: So what was the other universe like?

Iron Liz: Pollo was pretty much the same, but he had a different body.

Pollo: I do kind of want a new body. I mean, this thing is starting to wear down a bit.

Linkara: A discussion for later. (back to Liz) What about me?

Iron Liz: You were egotistical, opinionated, loud, and a review of "Star Trek #2" was pretty much the exact same of what you said here. Oh, and you had delusions of grandeur because you owned a spaceship.

Linkara: Oh, so aside from the review, I was clearly nothing like that other Linkara.

Iron Liz: (somewhat sarcastically) Right...

(Linkara opens his mouth to speak, but stops himself briefly)

Linkara: I'm not sure, but I think I was just insulted.

Pollo: I'm sure.

(Pollo leaves while Linkara sits there, trying to ponder what he was just told; cut to Comicron 1 flying through space)

(End credits roll, to the Star Trek theme; this time, Star Trek fonts are used while shots of the past episode are shown instead of the usual black background)

Let's just pretend that in the mirror universe, "Superman: Distant Fires" is called "Superman: A Distant Fire" and not that I screwed up on the name.

Let the wild mass guessing and speculation about the mirror universe begin! This ought to be fun reading what you guys come up with... though before you ask, it has nothing to do with the current storyline. I just did it for fun.

(Stinger: Capt. Linkara is shown again)

Capt. Linkara: (as Kirk) Perhaps I can reason with them. (holds up his phaser) With my gun.

(Suddenly, the battery clip falls off the gun; Linkara looks on, puzzled, then tries but fails to put it back in)

Capt. Linkara: Phaser fail.