Editing Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan 1

{{Infobox|Box title = Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan #1|Image file = Star trek 2 at4w.jpg|Row 1 title = Released|Row 1 info = December 5th, 2011|Row 2 title = Running time|Row 2 info = 28:16|Row 3 title = Previous review|Row 3 info = [[Captain America Comics 1]]|Row 4 title = Next review|Row 4 info = [[Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan 2]]|Row 5 title = Tagline|Row 5 info = Beyond the darkness, beyond the human evolution... is Khan. And a pointless adaptation of a great movie.|Row 6 title = Link|Row 6 info = http://atopthefourthwall.com/star-trek-ii-the-wrath-of-khan-1/}}
'''Linkara:''' Hello, and welcome to ''[[Atop the Fourth Wall]]'', where bad comics burn. IT'S CHRISTMASTIME!!

''(Linkara snaps fingers and a flash occurs, revealing him in a Santa hat and Starfleet uniform)''

'''Linkara:''' And because it's Christmastime, you're probably wondering why I'm looking at a ''Star Trek'' comic ''(takes off the Santa hat)'' instead of a Christmas comic.

''(Cut to black, with "Sleigh Ride" playing)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Oh, please, do you remember our track record so far? The first year I did this got us...

''(Cut to a montage of past comics from the Christmas period, which pop up as Linkara mentions their more ridiculous aspects: "[[Superman At Earth's End]]", "[[Extreme Super Christmas Special 1]]", "[[New Kids on the Block 4]]", "[[Marvel Team Up 127]]", "[[Santa Claus Conquers the Martians]]")''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' ...Bearded Idiot; the next year brought us a Youngblood member trying to follow the Twelve Days of Christmas to appease a heirless Circe; and last year got us the New Kids on the Block, an omnipotent jackass who cared more about an unrepentant drug addict than starving children and manipulated Spider-Man because an old guy felt kind of sad, and Martians kidnapping Santa Claus!

'''Linkara:''' In other words, it's Christmastime, and I'm giving ''myself'' a present this year. I'm looking at a comic book adaptation of my second favorite movie of all time, ''Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan''. And before we begin, we need to ask ourselves a deep, important question: Why?

''(Cut to a montage of shots of the comic series)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' If this comic had been made in 1982, when the movie came out, I'd have no question as to why this exists. But no, this isn't one of those movie tie-in comics that came out at the same time as the movie. This came out in 2009, ''27 years'' after the movie! And you know why nobody cared to make an adaptation until that point? BECAUSE IT DOESN'T ''NEED'' ONE! [[Star Trek comic 1|I've talked about this film before]], but it bears repeating...

''(Footage of the movie is shown)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' ''Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan'' is, hands down, the best of all the Star Trek films. Even if you're not a Star Trek fan, you should see this movie. The story is positively ''Shakespearean'' in its themes of age, revenge, and obsession. It is full of subtle literary allusions, from "Moby Dick" to "Paradise Lost". The acting is absolutely superb, running a full gamut of ranges from subdued to intense.

''(Admiral James T. Kirk is seen bellowing that immortal exclamation...)''

'''Kirk:''' '''''KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!'''''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Oh, yeah, and it's extraordinarily quotable, full of memorable scenes, tense battles, and interesting nuances.

'''Linkara:''' Let me tell you something, people: ''Camelot'' may be my favorite movie, but when ''Star Trek II'' is on, I ''have to'' sit down and watch it. It is an absolutely ''perfect'' film!

''(More film footage follows)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Cutting any scene, any sequence from the movie hurts it. Every line of dialogue has a reason to exist, even if it's just a joke. And even for a perfect movie, it can get ''better''. My DVD version of the film leaves out some extended sequences that can be found on the Blu-Ray, or some TV versions, and those sequences only add additional flavor to a movie that is ''already delicious''.

'''Linkara:''' But the important thing to remember about it is that it needs ''all'' of its elements in order to work as well as it does. And guess what ''doesn't'' have all of those elements? ''A comic book!''

''(Shots of covers of the comic series of this film are shown)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Comic books do not have acting, they do not have delivery, music, or the same kind of pacing that a movie does. Now, don't misconstrue me as saying that comic books are inferior to movies. Hardly. I think it's well-established by now that I care more about comic books than I do about movies, and I don't follow very much movie news and information unless it's something I care a great deal about. But the two mediums are ''very'' different, and adapting something like ''Star Trek II'' would require a ''hell'' of a lot of work in order to make it even a ''tenth'' of how great the movie is.

'''Linkara:''' So let's dig into ''(holds up the first issue of the comic series to be reviewed)'' "Star Trek II: The Wrath of&ndash"

'''[[Nimue]]:''' Warning. An intruder has infiltrated&ndash;

'''Linkara:''' [[Nimue]], not now.

'''Nimue:''' But there is&ndash;

'''Linkara:''' No, Nimue, this is the ''review'' portion of the episode. If there's anything important, we have to save it until the very end.

'''Nimue:''' But this&ndash;

'''Linkara:''' [[Pollo the Robot|Pollo]], tell her.

'''Pollo:''' It's no use when he gets this way. He won't listen. Just do what you can until he's ready.

'''Nimue:''' Confirmed.

'''Linkara:''' Now, then, let's dig into "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan" and see if they can pull this off.

''(''AT4W'' title sequence plays, followed by title card, which has "Under Pressure" by Queen playing in the background; cut to a closeup of the cover)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' The cover is pretty decent. It resembles a movie poster, which I like. Otherwise, not much to say about it.

''(Cut to the first page, which is white and devoid of anything except for some text, detailing the classic opening line of the show)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' We open to a page giving us the standard ''Star Trek'' opening narration. They are wasting a page with this, especially since that narration wasn't spoken until the ''end'' of the movie. The only thing they needed was the caption saying "In the 23rd Century...", which was a clever way to say, "This takes place in the future, and you don't need to know the backstory since that backstory will be given to you in the movie properly. No opening text crawls or stuff like that."

''(The comic proper begins)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' We ''truly'' open on the bridge of the Enterprise, which is bathed in red light, despite the fact that they haven't gone to red alert yet. Perhaps the true reason we opened with the narration was because we needed to have this two-page spread. Format-wise, it's a two-page spread because... because there is no reason for this. There is no reason for this to be a two-page spread. The Enterprise is on a training mission on the edge of the Neutral Zone.

'''Linkara:''' Because when you're on a training exercise, there is no better place to do it than on the border you share with a warring enemy.

'''Linkara (v/o):''' They receive a distress call from freighter called the Kobayashi Maru, which has hit a gravitic mine and drifted into the neutral zone. Their life support is failing and they need help. The woman commanding the Enterprise, a Vulcan named Saavik, orders them to go in and rescue them. This is in direct violation of the treaty with the Klingons, but hey, there are several hundred people on board who will die if they don't go in. And of course, as soon as they enter the zone, three Klingon attack decloak and fire torpedoes. Hey, wait a damn minute! Okay, I'm really sorry to get my nerd on here, and admittedly, I'm being nitpicky, but those are clearly ''not'' Klingon D7 cruisers like they were in the movie. Those are Klingon Birds of Prey!

'''Linkara:''' Again, I know it's a bit nitpicky, but on the other hand, the movie has been out for over ''20 years!'' You couldn't get an easy detail like that right?!

'''Linkara (v/o):''' So after several volleys of weapons, the ship is destroyed and all the crew are dead. At least until the doors opened and revealed that it was all a simulation. Hey, wait! Okay, this one ''isn't'' nitpicky. We get exterior shots of the ship. We ''see'' three Klingon ships firing at them! We see the ship blowing up from the outside! You can't do that! This is a simulation taking on Earth! This is bullcrap! It's a way to trick the reader into thinking it was real, ''except it makes no sense for there to be exterior shots!''

''(Cut to footage of the same scene in the film)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' What's more, this is again something that didn't happen in the movie. In the movie, we never got an exterior shot; it was all on the bridge. Start thinking for two seconds! Geez!

''(Cut to a shot of the comic version of ''Star Trek: Elite Force'')''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' This just like in the ''Star Trek: Elite Force'' comic, where we have an exterior shot of a Borg attacking Voyager, except, as stupid as that one was, it was on a holo-deck, which could portray that kind of complex simulation.

''(Cut back to the current comic)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' This is just a simulator room on a mock-up bridge! Ugh. Anyway, this is all simulation for cadets at the academy. I don't really get how the ranking system works at Starfleet Academy, since Saavik is supposed to be a cadet, too. Otherwise, why the hell is she taking the Kobayashi Maru simulation and yet everyone refers to her as a lieutenant? Admiral Kirk walks in... Oh, I'm sorry, ''Captain'' Kirk, going by the rank insignia wearing there. Again, nitpicky, but whatever on that one. And she asks for suggestions.

'''Kirk:''' Prayer, Mister Saavik. The Klingons don't take prisoners.

'''Linkara:''' ''(as Kirk)'' Except for all those times in the past when they ''do'' take prisoners. They're kind of complicated like that.

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Oh, and one more side I need to get out of the way: Back in the [[Star Trek comic 1|"Star Trek #1" review]], which took place ''after'' this movie, people kept wondering why the hell Saavik was referred to as a "mister". Hmm, that's easy enough to explain. It was naval tradition to refer to an officer, regardless of gender, as "mister". I don't know if modern-day navies still do that, but at the time, that was the case.

'''Kirk:''' Spock? ''Aren't you dead?''

'''Linkara:''' Um, that line is from later on and makes absolutely no sense being said right there. What the hell?

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Spock is also the teacher of the trainees and instructs them to go to the briefing room. Saavik stays behind, however, to complain about the simulation.

'''Saavik:''' I don't believe this was a fair test of my command abilities. There was no way to win.

'''Linkara:''' Actually, in several Star Trek expanded universe novels, we see that there are technically several ways to win the no-win scenario. It's just that the simulation cheats, too.

''(Cut to a shot of the cover of a book called "Star Trek: The Kobayashi Maru")''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' For example, when Scotty took the test, he used his knowledge of science and engineering to defeat the Klingon ships. It's just that when the ships were destroyed, several new ones took their place and kept on doing so until he was defeated.

''(Cut to a shot of the cover of another book: "Star Trek: New Frontier: The Captain's Table (book five of six)", about Captain Mackenzie Calhoun)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' My favorite, though, is from Captain Calhoun in the "New Frontier" novels. His solution: Blow up the Kobayashi Maru and run like hell. He reasoned out that one, why the hell was a cargo ship with so many civilian passengers flying that close to the neutral zone? Two, it seemed awfully convenient that so many cloaked ships just happened to be nearby when you made the rescue, combined with the first point, making it seem more likely that the whole thing was just a trap. And three, even if it was genuine, there was no way to save them with such overwhelming odds, and the enemy would have just likely taken the crew of the freighter and tortured and killed them anyway, so he was mercy-killing them.

'''Linkara:''' See, just because I don't like my superheroes killing, doesn't mean I don't like my badass starship captains killing.

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Anyway, back to the comic. Kirk tells Saavik that a no-win situation is a possibility that every commander must face. Then, looking very, ''very'' tired, and is apparently now in some kind of beige void, he tells her how we deal with death is just as important as how we deal with life.

'''Linkara:''' And in Saavik's case, it's to complain that it's not fair. Command material right there, folks!

'''Linkara (v/o):''' McCoy asks why they don't just put an experienced crew back on the ship instead of putzing around with trainees, but Kirk says that galloping around the cosmos is a game for the young.

''(Cut to a clip of the movie, which is missing from the comic, as Linkara explains)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' And apparently we skip the scene where Spock gives Kirk a copy of "A Tale of Two Cities", meaning we lost the literary foreshadowing of a man sacrificing himself for others and establishing Kirk's birthday, as well as Spock wondering about the performance of his cadets to establish that he does care about the trainee crew that is ''character development'' for him for a later scene and...

'''Linkara:''' And you see what I mean when I say that every scene in the movie was important? Even if it's something ''small'', like the thing with Spock and the cadets, it's a part of his ''character''. You leave it out, and it diminishes the impact of later events!

'''Linkara (v/o):''' We cut to the USS Reliant in deep space, as they search for a lifeless planet in connection with something called "Project Genesis".

'''Linkara:''' Okay, [[SF Debris]] already made this joke, but...

''(He raises his finger in the air, making "Invisible Touch" by Genesis play briefly)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' They're orbiting a planet called Ceti Alpha VI, and they seem to have a blip on the sensors. The planet ''has'' to be absolutely lifeless, for reasons not disclosed right now.

''(Cut to another clip of the movie also cut from the comic)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' We also skip another scene here where they call the science team, eliminating potential foreshadowing about Genesis, as well as setting up Dr. Carol Marcus' past relationship with Kirk, but whatever.

''(Back to the comic)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Chekov is now the first officer aboard the Reliant, and he beams down with Captain Tyrell. We cut to Kirk's swingin' bachelor pad. You ''know'' the man is classy. He has an entire collection of magic guns on his wall. Actually, it's his collection of antiques, and Dr. McCoy arrives to give him a new one.

'''McCoy:''' More antiques for your collection. They're over 400 years old. They're for your eyes.

'''Linkara:''' Wait, I thought you just said they were for his collection. Make up your mind!

'''Linkara (v/o):''' He got them for Kirk because his eyesight is going, and he's allergic to the standard 23rd Century treatment. Kirk, however, is not exactly feeling great.

'''McCoy:''' Dammit, Jim. Other people have birthdays. Why are we treating yours like a funeral?

'''Linkara:''' ''(as McCoy)'' If we are gonna treat it like a funeral, we're gonna treat it like an Irish wake. Booze me up, Scotty!

'''Linkara (v/o):''' McCoy says that clearly this isn't about the fact that he's getting older, but how he's unsatisfied being an admiral and on the ground instead of commanding the Enterprise.

'''McCoy:''' Jim, I'm your doctor. I'm your friend. ''Get back your command.''

''(Cut to a clip of this chat in the movie)''

'''McCoy:''' Get it back before you turn into part of this collection. Before you really do grow old.

'''Linkara:''' I included that because those who adapted this apparently felt that emphasizing the fear of growing older wasn't important to this story ''despite it being one of the the themes of the story!''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Meanwhile, we cut to Arakis, dune, desert planet, where Chekov and Tyrell beam down. The tricorder gets some faint readings, and they find some cargo containers with the words "Botany Bay" written on them. Chekov, recognizing the name, yells out they need to get away. They don't go inside the containers, like in the movie, because they wanted to condense down this sequence of events.

'''Linkara:''' ''(defensively)'' I know! I know! You're getting sick of me telling you about scenes from the movie, but dammit, this is important!

''(Footage of the movie is shown)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' All throughout the movie, Khan is quoting "Moby-Dick". He's doing so ''deliberately'', identifying with Ahab's quest for revenge. Now, would he be so keen on Moby-Dick? Because in the movie, Chekov and Tyrell go inside the cargo containers and find what are probably the ''only'' books that he has, including "Moby-Dick", "Paradise Lost" and "King Lear", stories about revenge, exile and betrayal, respectively. They inform his character, dammit! Ugh, okay, okay, I'll try to be funnier with this, all right?

''(Back to the comic again)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Tyrell and Chekov run into a group of (?) in this admittedly gorgeously drawn splash page. The sand people take the two inside, and while everyone else has already discarded their sand gear, Khan apparently decided he needed to wait for dramatic effect. In the movie, he waited until his mask was off before he started speaking. Here, he goes through ''four panels'' before taking it off, meaning that all this dialogue? It actually should sound like this...

'''Khan:''' ''(very muffled, almost inaudible)'' You... I never forget a face, Mister... Chekov, isn't it?

'''Tyrell:''' Chekov, who is this man?

'''Khan:''' ''(muffled)'' You mean to tell me no one told you the tale? He never told you how the Enterprise picked up the Botany Bay, lost in space from the year 1996? I am the product of late 20th Century genetic engineering. As i my crew. We were in cryogenic freeze. What you see is all that remains of the ship's crew... of the Botany Bay. Marooned here fifteen years ago... ''(takes off mask, speaking clearly now)'' by Captain ''James T. Kirk''.

'''Chekov:''' Khan...

'''Linkara:''' ''(as Chekov)'' Khan... I did not a word of that. Could you repeat yourself?

'''Khan:''' You... I never forget a face, Mister... Chekov, isn't it?

'''Linkara (v/o):''' And yeah, Chekov wasn't in the episode that Khan first appeared, but that's a minor issue, really.

'''Khan:''' He never told you how the Enterprise picked up the Botany Bay, lost in space from the year 1996?

'''Linkara:''' ''(waving dismissively)'' No, no, no, that crappy movie came out in 1998. ''(looks up)'' Huh. Come to think of it, that had a comic adaptation, too. ''(beat)'' One sci-fi movie adaptation at a time.

'''Chekov:''' We left you on a planet teeming with life &ndash; Ceti Alpha Five was a paradise&ndash;

'''Khan:''' ''This is Ceti Alpha Five!''

'''Linkara:''' ''(as Khan, his lower jaw thrust forward)'' Shouting with only my lower jaw exposed means I'm angry!

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Khan explains that Ceti Alpha Six exploded a few months after they were left on the planet, and it shifted the orbit, turning the planet into a desert wasteland. Now, a legitimate question many raise is, how the hell a planet just up and explodes for no reason, and why Starfleet, an organization designed to chart and keep track of scientific phenomena didn't ''already'' know about this, or why no one bothered to leave a log entry about Khan so that when someone came into this system, they may note, "Hey, this is that star system where we left that one guy who was a major historical figure during the eugenics wars." However, I have my own question about this exposition: how the hell did ''Khan'' know about the planet exploding? I mean, this place is pretty run down, and the Botany Bay wasn't exactly designed for big scientific journeys, so it probably didn't have a telescope, so how the hell did Khan learn about the planet exploding? If we don't have some kind of telescope or something, we only see planets in the sky as stars, if at all. How the hell did they know the other planet exploded and shifted their orbit, and then they didn't just happen to set down on the one crappy part of the planet that happened to have a fifteen-year desert period or something?

'''Khan:''' On Earth... 200 years ago... I was a prince.

'''Linkara:''' ''(as Khan)'' Now I am the Khan formerly known as Prince.

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Khan, realizing that they didn't expect to find him there, wants to know what they're doing there. As such, he brings out his brain slug so he can take control of their minds.

''(Cut to a clip of an episode of ''Futurama'', in which Fry and Leela notice that two people, a man and a woman, each have a brain slug attached to their heads)''

'''Woman:''' We favor unreasonably huge subsidies to the Brain Slug Planet.

''(Cut to a clip of the brain slugs in the movie)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Sometimes, it's just fun to be a supervillain. Little trivia note on the movie version, since they're skipping the bit where he puts the slugs in their ears: for those scenes, they actually constructed...

''(Cut to a shot of...)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' ...a giant prop ear to have the slug crawl into. I just love imagining the budget meeting, where they decided they needed to build that for the effect.

''(Back to the comic again)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' We cut back to the Enterprise, where Kirk is doing an inspection tour of the ship.

'''Kirk:''' No dust, Mr. Scott. What a welcome surprise on this flying old death trap.

'''Linkara:''' ''(as Kirk)'' My compliments to the chief maid officer.

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Scotty's midshipman, a little wiener named Pressman*, takes a bit of offense to the remark about the ship, but of course, it was just a little test from Kirk to see if the kid was just as insane as Scotty is about the honor of the ship. Pressman is also Scotty's nephew. ''(sarcastically)'' Boy, I sure hope something horribly tragic doesn't happen to him to illustrate the dangers that they face, as well as the youth and age theme.

*NOTE: Pressman is actually named "Preston".

'''Kirk:''' Well, Mr. Scott, are your engines capable of handling a minor training cruise?

'''Scotty:''' ''(who has a creepy smile on his face)'' Give the word, Admiral.

'''Linkara (v/o):''' ''OH, SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?!?''

'''Linkara:''' ''(pulling comic away from himself)'' Scotty, never smile again!

'''Linkara (v/o):''' The ship gets underway, with Spock giving Saavik the captain's chair so she can pilot the ship out of space dock. I'm pretty sure you don't fly the ship from the captain's chair, but whatever. We get another absolutely ''beautiful'' splash page of the Enterprise departing space dock. I'll give the book one thing: horrifying smiles aside, a lot of the artwork is actually breathtakingly fantastic. However, since I am a critic, I feel the need to critique this image as well. They're supposed to be in space dock, right? Then what the hell is with the background? The space dock is apparently made of translucent metal that lets you see stars on the other side. Oh, except for those two huge lights or windows or whatever right there. On top of that, I thought we were in orbit over Earth, and the sun looks kind of weird. Also, I think the Enterprise might be running an oil-rich mixture; there's a lot of smoke coming from its exhaust, from the look of it. We cut to Space Station Regula I, where a group of scientists are working on Project Genesis. They get hailed by Chekov, who informs them that Ceti Alpha Six is perfect for Genesis, and they're coming to take it from them. They're outraged by this since they refuse to let anyone have control of Genesis because of the dangers of the device. Of course, they don't ''say'' that; I only know that because I saw the damn movie. Instead, they seem like scientists who are pissed off for no adequately explained reason.

'''Scientist:''' Who gave the order?

'''Chekov:''' The order comes from... Admiral James T. Kirk.

'''Scientist:''' I knew it!

'''Linkara (v/o):''' And because the comic left out the previous scene establishing how the one scientist, David Marcus, positively hates Kirk, this reaction makes no sense. Without that scene, their reactions are more like "Admiral Kirk? That's awesome! I want his autograph! Dudes, it was Admiral Kirk! Can you believe it?" Back on the Enterprise, Saavik meets with Kirk in a turbo lift and mentions how she's still bothered by her performance in the Kobayashi Maru scenario. She asks him how he dealt with it, but he evades the question. Also, McCoy is there so we can have one line from the movie, but not the really funny one that he makes before getting into the turbo lift. Instead, Dr. Carol Marcus calls the ship &ndash; she's the scientist lady from Regular I &ndash; and wants to talk to Kirk, and McCoy just makes his comment about how...

'''McCoy:''' It never rains but it pours...

'''Linkara:''' ''(as McCoy)'' Except when it hails. Or snows. Or acid rain. ''(beat)'' Forget what I said.

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Dr. Marcus asks him why he's taking Genesis away, but Kirk doesn't understand what she's talking about. Before she can talk any further about it, the transmission is jammed. At Regula I, the scientists decide that they can't allow Reliant to take Genesis, so they start formulating a plan on what to do before the ship arrives. On the Enterprise, Kirk goes to meet with Spock and... well, to contrast the gorgeous art, we have this rather pudgy, distorted Kirk. Kirk tells Spock that they've been ordered to look into what's happening at Regula I.

'''Kirk:''' I told Starfleet Command all we had was a boatload of children, but we're the only ship in the quadrant.

'''Linkara:''' You know, with this many times as the plot device of "We're the closest ship" or "We're the only ship in range" comes up in Star Trek, it really makes you stop and wonder if the Federation only has ''two frigging ships'' in its ''entire'' fleet at a time!

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Kirk wonders how the cadets will handle "real pressure".

'''Linkara:''' Yes, how will they handle being... under pressure?

''(He raises his finger in the air, and a snippet of "Under Pressure" by Queen plays)''

'''Spock:''' Like all living things, each according to his gifts. Of course...

'''Linkara:''' ''(as Spock)'' Some will merely wet themselves while others crap their pants and run screaming back to their rooms.

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Spock offers command of the ship back to Kirk, but he modestly refuses.

'''Spock:''' Jim... you proceed from a false assumption. I am a Vulcan. I have no ego to bruise.

'''Linkara:''' ''(as Spock)'' Except when you beat me at chess. Then I harbor a deep grudge that will only be sated by sticking pawns up your nose.

'''Spock:''' If I may be so bold... It was a ''mistake'' for you to accept promotion. Commanding a starship is your first, ''best'' destiny.

'''Linkara:''' ''(as Spock)'' Your second best destiny is scoring with tons of alien women. Your least best destiny is almost killing the franchise with [[Star Trek V: The Final Frontier|the fifth movie]].

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Spock dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, thus meaning it makes more sense for everybody for Kirk to be in charge.

'''Spock:''' You are my superior officer. You are also my friend... I have been, and always shall be, yours.

'''Linkara:''' And three dozen slash fics spontaneously generated from that line alone.

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Kirk arrives on the bridge and orders them to head for Regula I. He informs the trainee crew about the change of situation.

'''Kirk:''' I know none of you expected this. I'm going to have to ask you to grow up a little bit sooner than you intended. And for that... ''I'm sorry.''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' And... that's the end of the issue?? What the hell? You're ending this on him saying he's sorry?! He even looks so depressed in this panel! Is this supposed to be a sad, dramatic cliffhanger or something?

''(Cut to a similar scene in the movie)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' In the movie, this scene was slightly triumphant, what with Kirk assuming command of the ship again. And yes, he basically said the same dialogue, though the lines are in a different order, but it wasn't like it was something to feel bad about; it was just him apologizing.

'''Linkara:''' ''(holding up comic)'' This comic is completely unnecessary. It's a watered-down version of a much superior film, lacking a lot of details that help shape the characters. But hey, we've still got two issues to go, so there's still hope. ''(drops comic and looks offscreen)'' Now, then, Nimue, what was it you wanted to tell me?

'''Nimue:''' Intruder alert. Sensors detect a robotic form attempting to gain access to this unit's propulsion systems.

'''Linkara:''' ''(alarmed)'' WHAT?! ''(jumps up to his feet)'' [[Mechakara]]! He must've gotten aboard Comicron-1!

'''[[Pollo the Robot|Pollo]]:''' We must get aboard and stop him!

'''Linkara:''' Lock him out, Nimue!

'''Nimue:''' I was unable to stop Mechakara from gaining control of the propulsion systems. However, I have locked out every other major system and am in the process of locking down less critical systems.

'''Linkara:''' Nimue, teleport us up and contact everyone else!

'''Nimue:''' Already underway. [[Iron Liz]] responding. [[Harvey Finevoice|Finevoice]], [[90's Kid|90s Kid]], [[Ninja-Style Dancer|Ninja]] and [[Boffo the Clown|Boffo]] are not responding.

''(Linkara and Pollo disappear from the room)''

'''Nimue:''' [[Dr. Linksano|Linksano]] responded, but informs me that he is in the middle of a dangerous experiment and cannot leave.

''(Linkara reappears on Comicron 1, albeit in the bowels)''

'''Nimue:''' He recommends you deploy security sentry.

'''Linkara:''' Do it! ''(looks up, realizing where he is)'' Hey, wait! Nimue, why aren't we on the bridge?

'''Nimue:''' Information: Mechakara has gained access to secondary security lockouts. He has sealed the bridge and is currently instigating Emergency Procedure 2.

'''Linkara:''' "Emergency Procedure 2"? ''(realizes, becomes alarmed)'' HE'S LOCKING DOWN THE SHIP!!

''(Linkara runs down the hall, but a door ahead of him slams shut, cutting off his path)''

'''Linkara:''' Dammit! Have you locked him out of everything else?

'''Nimue:''' Security lockout is engaged. ''(Linkara nods)'' He is attempting to bypass, but he will not be successful.

'''Linkara:''' ''(taking out communicator)'' Liz, what's your status?

'''Iron Liz:''' ''(on communicator)'' Looks like I got dumped on level 7, but I'm in a hallway, too.

'''Linkara:''' We'll do what we can from here. We're on level 2, so we'll try to get to the bridge and unlock all the doors. You head down to engineering and try to secure of the area. We ''cannot'' let him gain control of the ship from there!

'''Iron Liz:''' And if he gets to engineering?

''(Pollo floats up beside Linkara, who hesitates before speaking again)''

'''Linkara:''' ''(gravely)'' Comicron-1 has enough destructive capability to level the Earth. Its sensors were designed to track every variety of lifeforms it could find. If Mechakara gains control of it, he will ''kill'' every living thing he can find. I will ''not'' allow that to happen. This is ''my'' ship, and I will destroy it before I let anything like Mechakara possess it.

''TO BE CONTINUED''

''(End credits roll)''

''Yes, Khan also has copies of The Bible, Dante's Inferno, and Statute Regulating, but those probably just reinforced his kinmanship with Satan as portrayed in Paradise Lost.''

''Especially the book on State [sic] Regulating. Imagine being stuck on a dead planet with only a book on economic statute regulations as company. You'd turn to evil, too.''

''(end)''

{{AT4W}}
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