Star Trek: The Motion Picture

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January 12, 2012
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Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And welcome to Star Trek Month! (points offscreen) Engage review!

NC's pointing to Chester A. Bum on the computer

Chester: Yes, sir!

The opening title has Captain Kirk shouting KHAN! to the theme of Star Trek II. Scenes from various Star Trek movies play

NC (vo): What can you say about Star Trek? Well, really? Everything. It's a great vehicle for creative ideas! It's an onslaught of clichéd writing. Its characters are timeless and unforgettable! Their personalities are on par with the Ninja Turtles. It's one of the greatest works of sci-fi of all time! It's the corniest schlock you'll ever watch. Everybody has an opinion on Star Trek, but there is one pattern most people seem to agree on. When it comes to the movies, the even-numbered ones seem to be the best. For whatever reason, the odd-numbered Star Trek films seem to be the ones that get once-in-a-while viewers and die-hard fans really pissed off!

Chester: I believe we can attribute that to the binary structure that emanates from these movies--

NC: Or it could just be a giant coincidence.

Chester: Damn it, (slaps desk) I almost sounded intelli-ma-gent!

NC (vo): So all throughout January, we're going to look at the odd-numbered Star Trek movies, the ones that seem to get Trekkies' panties in a bundle.

NC: And we're gonna start off with Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Roll clip number one, energize! (points)

Chester: (imitating Scotty) I cannot do it, Critic! I don't have the power! (normal voice, picks up his change cup) Or the, uh, money? (jiggles his change cup. NC sighs and reaches into his pocket, taking out a penny and tossing it in the cup, followed by a coin sound from Super Mario Bros.) Thank you!

Opening credits for Star Trek 1 play

NC (vo): So we see our opening credits. We got William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelly. (at the Co-starring part, part of the Gilligan's Island theme plays)

Tune: And the rest!

Cut to some anomaly in space

NC (vo): We cut to some anomaly in space, where the Klingons come to check it out.

Klingon captain: (In Klingon) Tactical...

NC: Well, wait a minute, in the original show, the Klingons had flat heads, (shot of an Original Series Klingon, followed by the current version) now they're round and pointy? What's up with that?

Chester: Incoming cameo, Critic!

NC: (rubbing his temples) Oh, God, I was hoping I could avoid this! Looks like I have no choice, I have to face the music. Put him on screen.

We are shown static, followed by AngryJoe on his ship

AngryJoe: Hi, Critic!

NC: AngryJoe? Oh, thank God, I thought you were Linkara for a second! Phew!

Joe: Yeah, I know, he's obsessed with Star Trek! He's a total geek!

NC: Yeah, tell me about it!

Joe: So, anyway, I wanted to point out why exactly the Klingons' heads look like that. (NC goes from a smile to a frown) You see, there's actually several different theories that's popped up over the years. The first one being that the Klingons, uh, suffer from the nekh'rat (editor: did I say that right?), which is a degenerative disease that only their species suffers from.

NC: Uh, yeah, look, um, when I asked that question, I was only half-curious. Well, not even half, more like third, uh, fifth--the fans would kill me if I didn't bring it up, so you don't need to explain it!

Joe: But surely, you need a Star Trek expert like me to help you through this.

NC: No, I don't! And we're not gonna do that thing where we go back and forth and then suddenly, I give in, I'm doing it alone!

Joe: But, Critic, you HAVE no idea what you're in for!

NC: Oh, come on, it was directed by Robert Wise, one of the greatest directors of all time! I'm sure I can get through this.

Joe: Very well, Critic. Very well. But do you know the ancient Klingon proverb, that tells us, "Reveng--"

NC: Nope, I'm not allowing any quotes either, now just piss off.

Joe: Oh, come on, I've been wanting to do the speech for years!

NC: (pointing) Engage overdubbing audio!

Chester: Right! (he types on some keys)

Joe talks, but a different voice is overdubbed on him

Voice: Hello, I am AngryJoe, the fastest mouse in all Me-hee-co! I like to yell and scream because I'm a stupid head, and like to drink elephant urine! I have no friends, only my elephant urine! Does this incredibly racist accent offend you? Good! I don't think it's even the right nationality! That'll teach you next time to interrupt my review!

NC: Nicely done, now back to the review! Engage! (points)

Chester: You know, you don't have to point every time you say that. (Critic shakes his pointing fingers at him) Fine. (a couple key taps and we're back to the review)

NC (vo): So, in typical Klingon fashion, if they don't know what something is, they shoot it! (the Klingon ship shoots a torpedo at the anomaly) Oh, yeah, I should probably mention this anomaly always makes, what I guess, is supposed to be a disturbing sound, but it always sounds like a chord off an electric guitar.

The Anomaly makes it's sound, followed by a clip from Bill & Ted

Bill & Ted: Excellent! (air guitar)

The anomaly shoots out its own torpedo at the Klingon ships, disintegrating them

NC (vo): But the anomaly doesn't like that and fries them faster than...I don't know, a cheap Vulcan replacement for Spock.

Captain Kirk and an unnamed assistant are walking down the dock

NC: Oh, look, a cheap Vulcan replacement for Spock!

Assistant: Report to you, sir?

Kirk: It is my be on that ship...following that meeting. Report to me in one hour.

NC: Hmm, I give him two more lines before he kicks the bucket-- (during that, a shot of the guy is shown, followed by "0 more lines" under him) Wow, I hope you paid that actor by the word, (whispers) 'cause he must've been pissed!

NC (vo): And where's the real Spock, you may ask? (cut to Spock with longer hair than in the classic series, on Vulcan) He's on Vulcan, about to partake in a ceremony that will totally wipe out his emotions. But he senses the anomaly and finds out suddenly, he can't go through with it. (Spock raises his hand to stop the ceremony as the sound is heard, followed by another Bill & Ted air guitar clip)

Elder woman (I don't know her name) (In Vulcan): Your thoughts... Give them to me. (she puts her hand on Spock's face)

NC (vo): So she mind melds with him and finds his brain is still filled with the most illogical of human remains.

The scene is now intercut with Leonard Nimoy singing "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins"

NC (as Spock): Eww, so illogical.

Kirk is beamed to meet Scotty

NC (vo): But we then see Kirk getting ready to board the Enterprise once again!

Kirk and Scotty look over the Enterprise in dock as a sweeping orchestral piece plays

NC: Ah, the traditional Star Trek music and imagery. (sniff) Gets you right here, man.

We are shown more shots of the Enterprise

NC (vo): Yeah, that's still the ship. (more focus on the ship) Still looking at the ship. (and even more ship!) What, are we supposed to be counting the windows on this thing? Get a move on! (and still more shots of the ship or Kirk looking over it) Oh, uh, lemme guess. The next two shots are gonna be Kirk reacting, and a shot of the ship. (and it's just that)

NC (sarcastic): I must be psychic!

More shots of the ship, sadly

NC (vo): Come on, move it! (the shots of the ship are finished at that angle) Well, thank God, it looks like they finally ran out of space to go--(nope, now we get the front of the ship) Oh, no, that was just the buildup for the FRONT of the ship!

NC: Oh, that's great. And how much time are we gonna spend looking at the front of the ship? (another shot of the front of the ship, followed with "4 minutes") Fuck that noise! Prepare to fast forward!

Chester: Preparing to fast forward!

NC: Fast forward!

Chester: Fast forwarding, sir! (the scene's now fast forwarded, followed by the audio used from that scene from Spaceballs)

NC: Go past! Go past this part! In fact, never play this again! (more of the scene is fast forwarded until Kirk and Scotty are finally able to dock)

Kirk: Thank you, Mr. Scott.

Scotty: Aye, sir.

NC: Thank you, Mr. Bum.

Chester: Aye, sir.

NC (vo): But it turns out not everything on this ship is boringly pleasant! For it seems Kirk is relieving Captain Decker of his duties for no other reason than...well, he wants to do it.

Kirk: I'm replacing you as captain of the Enterprise.

Decker: May I ask why?

Kirk: My familiarity with the Enterprise.

Decker: This is an almost totally new Enterprise. You don't know her a tenth as well as I do.

Kirk: That's why you're staying aboard. I'm sorry.

Decker: You told me how envious you were, and how much you hoped to find a way to get a starship command again.

NC: Hey, it could be worse. You could be demoted to (a picture of 7th Heaven pops up on the top left) religious propaganda on the WB.

NC (vo): But more bad news happens as it turns out the beaming of Mr. Not-Spock is going awry. (sarcastic) Gee, I wonder what's going to happen to him? (people are trying to beam up onto the ship)

Kirk: Give it to me.

NC (vo): Uh, yeah, let the captain who we've just been told doesn't know one tenth of the ship take away control from the person who's trained specifically for this job! (the two people would let out a dying scream before going back to their point of origin)

Intercom: Enterprise, what we got back didn't live long. Fortunately.

NC (vo): Well, good one, Kirk. You've been in charge for only 120 seconds and you've already caused two casualties. That's gonna equal out to, what, a death a minute? And it's such a weird scene, too! Why have this character if all you were gonna do is kill him off? It's a grim, pointless scene! It's like watching (a clip of G1 My Little Pony) My Little Pony and then throwing in a clip of a horse exploding. (followed by a clip of a horse exploding) I mean, why do we need that? Oh, well, battlefield promotion.

Kirk: I'm afraid you're gonna have to double as science officer.

NC: Hey, hey, keep it up one day, and maybe you'll make Capt-(becomes rather embarrassed)

A bald female crew member comes onto the bridge

NC (vo): We then get the only crew member to have less hair than Shatner, Lt. Ilia.

Decker: Hello, Ilia.

Ilia: Decker.

Decker: I was stationed on the lieutenant's home planet seven years ago.

Ilia: Commander Decker?

Kirk: Yes, our exec science officer--

Decker: Captain Kirk has the most confidence in me.

Kirk: And in you, too, lieutenant.

Ilia: My oath of celibacy is on record, Captain.

NC: (trying to keep from doing a spit take) Oh, I was this close to spitting out my drink. (he puts his cup down) What the hell!?

NC (vo): As if this setup wasn't awkward enough, you really had to throw that in? Get some social skills, lady!

Ilia: My oath of celibacy is on record, Captain.

(The scene suddenly gets spliced with Tommy Wiseau from The Room)

Johnny: Anyway, how's your sex life?

(And NC manages to spit his drink)

NC (vo): But we still got one crew member to welcome aboard: Bones. And if you think all the other people in this movie were dressed ridiculously, wait till you get a load of this get-up!

(McCoy is beamed in to the tune of "Stayin' Alive", having a full beard and looking more like he's going to a disco)

Kirk: Well, for a man who swore he'd never return to Starfleet...

McCoy: Just a moment, Captain, sir! They drafted me!

Kirk: Bones, there's a thing out there.

McCoy: Why is it any object we don't understand always called a thing?

NC: (as McCoy) Why can't it be called a whoosit or whatsit?

NC (vo): So the ship is all ready to go stop the evil anomaly before it reaches Earth.

Kirk: Take us out.

(The Enterprise begins to pull out of dock while going just as slow as it was when seeing it from the outside)

NC (vo): Uh, a little faster than that, please. (and more slow shots) God, this is gonna take another hour, isn't it? (and more slow shots) You're not 2001: A Space Odyssey, okay? Though Lord knows I'd love for the computer to wipe out most of the crew, if possible. (and the ship is out of dock, followed by a shot of a door to the engine room slowly closing as someone manages to make it in quickly) What the...? (and a shot of the Enterprise flying over Earth as the sun comes up) Well, I guess that was the action scene in the middle of the picture! I guess they thought it needed a little bit more excitement during this moment, so they threw in a guy nearly missing a door. Well, good to know you had your thrilling cutaway shot, if you need it.

Kirk: Engineering, standby for warp drive.

Scotty: Captain, we need further warp simulation on the flow sensors.

Kirk: Engineering, we need warp speed now.

Scotty: It's borderline on the simulator, Captain. I cannot guarantee that she'll hold up.

NC (vo): Eh, fuck danger. The captain wants warp drive and he wants it now. (the ship goes into warp drive) They enter through the opening of Vertigo when suddenly, they realize, what a shock, something's gone wrong.

(The visuals and audio on the bridge are shown to be distorted)

Uhura: Wormhole effect!

Ilia: Unidentified small object has been pulled into the wormhole with us, Captain. Directly ahead.

Kirk: Forcefields up full.

NC: Continue shaking the camera and increase Photoshop smudge! (the camera shakes and the picture is given a smudge effect)

Kirk: Time to impact?

Ilia: Twenty seconds.

Kirk: Standby phasers.

Decker: No! Belay that phaser order!

Cut back to NC, the camera is shaking and his audio is slowed down

NC: Hey, sir, listen to this! (he begins flicking his lips with his finger while imitating Darth Vader) Luuuuke, Iiiii ammm yourrrrr faaaathhherrrr...

Decker: Arm photon torpedoes.

NC (vo): It turns out there's an asteroid that's about to hit them in warp, but Decker figures out how to save the day! (the asteroid is shot down, and everything returns to normal) So, just to clarify, Kirk's been in charge for only a few hours, and he's already killed two crew members, and nearly wiped out the entire ship. I'd follow this man to eternal death! Mostly because I would have no choice.

Kirk: Mr. Scott, we need warp drive as soon as possible.

Scotty: Captain, it was an engine imbalance that created the wormhole in the first place. It'll happen again if we don't correct it.

Kirk: That object is no less than two days away from Earth. We need to intercept it while it still is out there.

NC (as Scotty): Need I remind you of the "holy shit, you nearly killed us" moment not a few minutes ago? You twat!

Kirk: Why was my phaser order countermandered?

Decker: Sir, the Enterprise redesign increases phaser power by channeling it through the main engines. The phasers were automatically cut off.

Kirk: You acted properly, of course.

NC: Captain Decker is right, I mean Captain Decker, I mean Captain Decker, I mean... He's the fucking captain, I don't know why Kirk is there.

Decker: Sorry if I embarrassed you.

Kirk: You saved the ship.

Decker: I'm aware of that, sir.

Kirk: Stop...competing with me, Decker!

NC (as Kirk): Which means stop pointing out when I am obviously wrong!

Decker is walking down the halls when he meets Ilia

NC (vo): But it turns out Decker can fall victim to certain weaknesses. Like cheesy romantic past dialogues.

As Ilia and Decker talk, the choir from the end of Airplane! is playing

Ilia: Was it difficult?

Decker: About as difficult as seeing you again. I'm sorry.

Ilia: That you left Delta IV? Or that you didn't even say goodbye. (Decker puts his hands on Ilia's shoulders)

Decker: If I had seen you again, would you have been able to say it?

Ilia: (she puts a hand on his) No. (then she walks away just as the chorus gets to that last high note)

Ted Striker (from Airplane!): What a pisser.

NC (vo): And we get our last addition to the crew, Mr. Spock comes aboard to figure out why he's been sensing the anomaly.

Spock: I offer my services as science officer.

Kirk: If our exec has no objections?

Decker: Of course not.

NC (vo): So we now have a doubly demoted Decker, and Kirk is overjoyed because now he can partake in all the various, over-the-top ways he can say Spock's name.

(We are shown a montage of clips of Kirk saying "Spock")

NC: Huh, turns out I've been saying it wrong the whole time. It isn't Spock, it's (as Kirk) Spock.

NC (vo): But things heat up when they finally come across the evil anomaly.

Kirk: Full mag on viewer.

Sulu: Full mag, sir. (the anomaly makes its sound, followed by another Bill & Ted air guitar clip)

Uhura: Continuing friendship messages on all frequencies, sir.

NC (vo): But because they figure out the frequency in which to communicate, the anomaly lets them get closer and eventually enter. And, yes, this results in slow, slow, (getting slower) sloooow, slooooooow, slooooooooooooow movement.

(The next several shots are of either the anomaly or the crew, as well as NC being bored)

Spock: Pattern is unrecognizable.

(And we are shown a lot more slow-moving anomaly clips)

NC: (smacking his desk) Good God, this is just watching a bunch of footage and then seeing somebody commenting on it. Who the hell'd wanna see that?!

(The anomaly begins to clear up, followed by another blast of sound and a clip of Bill & Ted, as well as more shots of the crew)

NC (vo): Oh, Jesus, it just keeps going! Do something, damn it! Fire a laser or some shit! (more anomaly shots) Maybe if we tried putting in a thrilling action sequence. (we are shown a replay of the guy nearly missing the door from before) Nope, (back to the anomaly) IT'S STILL BORING! Please, do something! Tell a joke, pull Spock's ears off, I don't care, just something! (still more anomaly) Good God, they don't even bother with reactions anymore. They just are showing longer and longer shots with no friggin' edits in them whatsoever! (yet more anomaly) Cut to something! (sadly, more anomaly) Cut! Cuut! CUUUU-UUUU-UUU-UUUUT!! CUUU-UUT!!

NC: (smacks desk) Oh, my God! This is agony! This is such boredom! AngryJoe, why didn't you tell me!?

Cut to Joe sitting in his ship like Khan

NC (vo): Tell me there's an edit coming up, these shots are going on forever! Please, give me a cut! Just give me a cut!

Joe: Oh, I've done far worse than give you no cuts. I've hurt you. And I wish to go on hurting you. (the camera zooms on NC looking quite scared) I shall leave you as this movie left me, (back to Joe) left all audiences. Marooned in the center of a dead screening. (whispering) Bored out of your mind! Bored out of your mind!

NC: (now he gets mad and starts screaming) CUUUUUT! (zooming out of the neighborhood he lives in) CUUUUT! CUUUUT! (and Joe sighs in victory)

A beam of light appears on the bridge

NC (vo): But believe it or not, something does happen! Oh, thank God's milky prostitutes! A probe comes aboard and starts taking control of the computer. Well, obviously Spock will find the most logical solution and-- (instead, Spock begins smashing the computer with his fists) or he'll go Neanderthal on its ass!

Spock continues smashing the computer with his fists

NC (vo, as the Hulk): Spock smash! (and Spock gets zapped for his trouble) Ow, Spock no like the shiny thing! (normal) It then takes control of Ilia and vanishes her into thin air.

(All that's left is her tricorder)

NC (vo; as Kirk): Well, she's dead now. Tell me, was she celibate?

Ilia is back on the ship with a glowing bit on her body

NC (vo): But she shows up later on the ship, having been taken over by the anomaly.

McCoy comes onto the bridge

McCoy: Jim, what's going on?

Kirk: (points at Ilia) Tricorder.

NC (vo, as McCoy): No, that's a bald woman, (is handed a tricorder) but this is a tricorder.

McCoy: Jim, this is a mechanism.

Ilia (sounding robotic): To more readily communicate with the carbon based units infesting Enterprise. I am programmed to observe and record.

NC (vo): Wow. No emotions, no feelings, no needs. It's the perfect woman!

(An audience of women start booing him)

NC: Am I wrong, ladies? Am I wrong? (he gets slapped for his troubles) Ow.

NC (vo): So the anomaly is called V'Ger, and it's searching for who, or whatever, created her so that she may finally join with it. So while Decker shows her around the ship, allowing her to collect data, (Spock gives a Vulcan neck pinch to incapacitate a crew member) Spock steals a spacesuit to see if he can further communicate with V'Ger.

Spock: Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk, these messages will detail my attempt to contact the aliens.

NC: So, to put it bluntly...he'll be back after these messages. (the room begins going dark) No, wait, wait, that was a joke, that was a joke, I wasn't serious! Hey, wait, what are you doing?!

We go to commercial break

NC: STOP! (slams the desk) Chester, report!

Chester: We were intercepted by a word from our sponsor!

NC: Damn it, those advertising executives are getting more and more clever! Raise our shields against any more commercial plugs!

Chester: Yes, sir! Incidentally, this raising of the shields is brought to you by (a can of Diet Coke appears on the lower right) the delicious taste of Diet Coke!

NC: Chester!

Chester: Sorry, sorry!

Spock is flying towards V'Ger

NC (vo): So Spock journeys to the center of V'Ger and comes across...well, there's no subtle way to say it: V'Ger's vagina! (the center of V'Ger does look rather vaginal, surrounded by spheres) A... V'Ger-na, if you will. I mean, God, look at that! I keep thinking I'm gonna have to put a censor bar over that thing! First we got the Skygina in Langoliers, now we got the space-gina in Star Trek!

NC: It's almost as if sci-fi writers don't get a lot of pussy! But that'd be ridiculous. (a Photoshopped picture of Philip K. Dick is shown with him dressed like a pimp surrounded by girls, especially one with pink hair and nipple pasties) Just look at this last picture of Philip K. Dick. (back to NC) Whoo, guy's a man-whore!

NC (vo): Spock tries to mind meld with V'Ger, but gets his ass handed to him. He returns to the ship to report that V'Ger came from a planet populated by living machines, and has evolved with incredible knowledge, all except for one question: Who the Creator is. And V'Ger vows to cure the universe of carbon units, mostly the ones on Earth, until she finds her answer.

V'Ger: The carbon unit infestation is to be removed from the Creator's planet.

Spock: V' a child. Evolving. Learning. Searching. I suggest you treat her as such.

NC (vo, as Kirk): Hey, does V'Ger wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese? Does V'Ger wanna see a Justin Bieber concert? Does V'Ger wanna fund a franchise about a sparkling vampire that's setting women back dozens of years?

Kirk: The carbon units know why the Creator has not responded.

V'Ger: Disclose the information.

Kirk: Not until V'Ger withdraws the devices orbiting the Third Planet.

The Enterprise flies into V'Ger

NC (vo): So Kirk says he'll give the information, but only to the center of V'Ger herself. The probe complies and Kirk plans his next move.

Kirk: Mr. Scott, be planned to execute Starfleet Order 2-0-0-5.

Chief Ross: Why has the captain ordered self-destruct, sir?

Scotty: I would say, lass, because he thinks...he hopes...that when we go up, we'll take the intruder with us.

NC: Uh, ha-ha, I signed up with Starfleet to pay for my college. Uh, is there any chance we can NOT blow up on my very first mission?

NC (vo): So how powerful is the emotional need at the center of V'Ger? Well, apparently, it's so powerful, (mock crying) it made Spock cry.

Kirk: Not for us?

Spock: No, Captain, not for us. For V'Ger. I weep for V'Ger as I weep for a brother.

NC (vo): A brother we find out you have later and clearly did not weep for, but one movie at a time. So they get to the center of V'Ger and find out that V'Ger is, in fact, Voyager. Voyager 6, the satellite that was sent out years ago and got sucked into a wormhole, stranding it on the machine planet. It evolved over the years and now wishes to still somehow join with its creator.

McCoy: You mean this machine physically wants to join with a human? Is that possible?

Decker: Let's find out.

Decker is now twisting wires on Voyager

Kirk: Decker!

Decker: I'm gonna key the final sequence! Through the ground test computer!

NC (vo): So, whatever he just says apparently means Decker is giving himself to the computer.

Decker is covered in light as the song "Unchained Melody" from Ghost plays, followed by a clip of Molly Jensen (Demi Moore)

Molly: See ya.

V'Ger steps into the light that Decker's in

NC (vo): So their joining sets off a giant explosion and Enterprise gets the hell out of there!

Kirk: Did we just see the beginning of a new lifeform?

Spock: Yes, Captain. We witnessed a birth. Possibly the next step in our evolution.

NC: (as Kirk) Welp, let's never reference this big step in evolution again in anything Star Trek related. That way it'll show just what an impact it had on our evolution. Truly, this is a big day.

Kirk: That a way.

The Enterprise flies off

NC (vo): So the crew is back in form, they're happy a big bang was set off by a big bang, and they go off to where no man has gone before!

(And the Enterprise goes into warp drive, ending the movie)

NC: And that was the first Star Trek movie, and let me tell you, I can see why it's often called the Slow Motion Picture.

Clips from the movie play

NC (vo): The ideas are interesting, even provocative, but most of the characters aren't developed in an interesting way, the pacing is unbelievably slow, and on top of that, IT'S SO BORING! The effects, I'll admit, are very impressive, but when you have to look at them for what feels like an eternity, you get sick of them pretty fast. I really feel like this film was trying to do what 2001: A Space Odyssey did, you know, sort of make it like an experience movie. But that's not what Star Trek was mostly about. It was more about a mix of ideas and characters, not as much an out-of-body experience. The only out-of-body experience this movie can conjure is taking us to fucking Dreamland! So, take it for what it's worth.

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and Star Trek Month is on the way! (he then raises his arms and flies off, then the credits roll)

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Ilia: My oath of celibacy is on record, Captain.

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