- we start off with a shot of the NC's chair, but he's not in it, until he comes up from the lower left corner*
NC: (quietly) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Sorry about all this. It's just, I'm really concerned because I heard you-know-whom might be in town-- *lightning crash! cut to Sage wearing a hooded robe with an evil grin on his face while Night on Bald Mountain plays in the background* Aaah! Sage!
Sage: Yes. Me.
NC: You're looking good. You've been working out or something?
NC: New haircut, new wardrobe, penis enhancements?
NC: Aaah! What do you want with me, mentally demented one?
Sage: My day of reckoning, Critic. *pulls his hood off to show his normal hat* My day that has been coming for nearly four years.
Sage: That little cameo of mine in your Care Bears review could only sate me for so long, Critic. A full and proper crossover is inevitable.
NC: *scared* You mean you...wanna do a review? *Sage nods* Well, I guess that's fine with me! I'll just schedule the next five years--
Sage: *shakes his fist* Now, Critic!
NC: Aaah! Look, no offense, Sage, but anything having to do with you scares the shit out of me! I mean, you don't review things that are well. You are not well!
Sage: It took me a while, Critic, but I finally found the perfect movie for us to review.
NC: Oh no, I've seen what you review! You're not gonna make me review cops with grenades tied to their pubes or something!
Sage: Critic, have a little more faith in me than that. *NC sighs* If I showed you something from my...personal collection, it'd probably kill you. If you died, then I'd have no one to play with. So I bring you, this. *holds up the dvd case to Star Chaser as the music comes to a high note*
NC: *about to scream and the music goes silent when he sees the dvd* Star Chaser: The Legend of Orin? You kidding, what? This doesn't look that bad.
Sage: You're not afraid?
- clips from the movie show*
NC (v/o): What, you got some 80s cheese, some bland story? It has some half-decent animation.
NC: It looks stupid and silly, but this doesn't look awful. No, I'm not afraid!
Sage: You will be. *lightning cracks*
- more clips from the movie*
NC (v/o): So it seems I've been shanghaied into reviewing another fossilized piece of shit that nobody saw the first time it came out. Apparently Star Chaser was released in 1985, and flopped harder than a fat guy on America's Funniest Home Videos. (as he says that, a clip of a fat guy breaking a pool diving board and going into the pool is shown)
Sage (v/o): Aw, come on, Critic, you gotta give them credit for making the best 3D movie ever made. *a movie poster of Star Chaser is shown* Or at least that's what they say on the poster.
NC: Oh, sure, as we all know, 3D is the gatekeeper to quality entertainment. *as he says that, a picture of Transformers: Dark of the Moon is shown, followed by one for Titanic 3D* Though Kate Winslet's nipple in 3D does have some potential.
NC (v/o): So to be fair, the movie starts out all right. I mean, the animation looks like Heavy Metal threw up on a Molly Hatchet cover, but it's harmless.
Sage (v/o): *a scene of a robot slavemaster whipping a slave with a laser whip* Well, as harmless as forced labor in a dangerous mine can be. *a shot of Orin* This is our hero, Orin, who, despite having lived his entire life in the subterranean world as a slave, still manages to have a head of finely shampooed, luxuriant hair.
Elan: Slow down, grandfather, you're too old to keep up this pace!
Grandpa: Slowing down will only prolong my suffering. *as he says this, Orin slips in some of his crystal load into the other bucket*
Elan: Orin, don't! You won't survive doing the work of two!
Orin: The prettiest girl in the world, I'd do the work of ten.
NC: Yeah, have you seen Jessica? That chick be smokin'! *acts embarrassed* Oh, but you're hot, too. You're hot, too. *sotto* You have an nice tooth.
- Orin gets a whip wrapped around his throat*
NC (v/o): It seems that Orin and his friends are slave laborers that mine crystals for a god named Zygon. *a shot of a Zygon from Dr. Who* No, not that Zygon. *a poster of Miss Saigon* Not that Saigon either. *now a shot of the movie's Zygon, laughing while flames roar in the background* This Zygon.
Zygon: My words are angry! *slaves are bent in worship* They have kept you alive since the beginning of time, and ask very little in return!
Sage: Just your continued subjugation and your free will. Really, you're taking advantage of us.
Sage (v/o): So after the slaves offer their mined crystals in exchange for food, Orin happens upon a strange sword embedded in the rock wall. *the sword glows, flies into the air, lands in the ground, then an old sage is projected from the sword*
Slave: It's alive!
Obi-Wan Kenobi: You will go to the Dagobah system. There, you will learn from Yoda.
Sage: Oh, I'm sure that's just a coincidence. *then he gets an evil grin followed by lightning crashing*
NC (v/o:) Yeah, so Not-Obi-Wan say there are other worlds outside of the caverns, and that the wielder of the sword can free all the slaves if he is able to find the blade. *Orin fights with another slave over the hilt* After pointlessly wrestling with another slave, Orin takes what's left of the sword and vows to find the blade.
Orin: We'll go together, Elan.
Kallie: I'll go with you, too.
Orin: You'll have to be with us in spirit, Kallie. It's too dangerous for one as young as you.
Kallie: I'm not too young. You don't want me because I can't see!
NC: No, we don't want you because you're ball-gratingly annoying.
Kallie: Don't leave me, Orin. *cut* What if you don't come back?
NC: It's like he talks in that tone of voice whenever you're trying to mimic someone to sound really whiny. *proceeds to make whining noises like Kallie* Show 'em how it's done, Robin! *and a clip from the Batman & Robin review of Robin whining is shown*
Sage (v/o): Well, Orin and his girlfriend ditch the little turd and take of for...I don't know where, exactly. I guess they just figured that the way out of the caves that their people have lived in for generations has to be SOMEwhere. But, they don't get too far. *a scene of Orin fighting robot slavemasters with the laser drill is shown*
Sage: All right, so they give the slaves dangerous laser drills that can take out a guard in one hit, and give the guards...whips. This isn't an S&M bar. Why don't you give them some guns? *robots are shooting at our hero while Zygon's pushing one's gun down*
Zygon: Watch out for the crystals! *a laser hits the crystals and they explode around him and his soldiers*
Sage: Eh, point taken.
- Orin and Elan are surrounded by robots and Zygon*
NC (v/o): Orin and his girlfriend get captured trying to escape where they learn that the "god" they've been worshipping all their lives turns out to be...*Zygon takes off his helmet, followed by a dramatic music sting* Oh my god, some guy!
NC (v/o): Yeah, really, was this supposed to be in any way surprising? Christ, we're just starting this movie and the dramatic reveal is already wasted. This isn't much of a twist! Anyway, it's not really that big an impact if you don't get to know the characters. We've barely even grown accustomed to Orin or, what's-her-face.
NC: But I guess it doesn't matter, it's not like she's gonna die in the next five minutes.
Sage: Try one. *Elan drops dead*
NC: Well, she was completely pointless, wasn't she?
Sage: You don't even know the half of it.
- Orin is cradling Elan's body*
Orin: This world above...I'll find it for you, Elan!
Sage (v/o): Orin manages to escape Zygon's clutches to a collapsed cavern. He digs his way out into the surface world, but it's not long before he runs into more danger. *Orin trips and falls face first into a swamp, meeting a one-armed mutant robot...thing, that growls at him*
NC: *scared* Sage, what's that?
Sage: Hell if I know.
NC (v/o): It looks like it crawled out of the asshole of H.R. Giger's nightmare.
Sage: No, *another alien, this one having a mechanical skull with beady, blood red eyes* this looks like it crawled out of the asshole of H.R. Giger's nightmare. *the mutant says something I can't make out for the most part of. Critic can just look in shock and awe* It's the eyes, isn't it?
NC: The eyes, what's up with the eyes?
Judge Doom: When I killed your brother, I talked JUST! LIKE! THIIIIISSSS!!!
- Orin is chained up by the mutants*
NC (v/o): So, my new nightmares for the week take Orin prisoner, and decide on who gets what body part of Orin's. Ooh, I'll take the brain--wait, no, that won't fill me up enough. But one of the ungodly monstrosities gets a little too curious with Orin's sword and winds up cleaving one of the others in half.
Sage (v/o): Orin manages to trick the last of the remaining monsters into letting him go and, yeah, big deal tricking things that couldn't figure their way out of a Chinese Finger Trap.
- Orin is running away from the mutant cave when he runs into Dagg, who shoots the last mutant dead*
Dagg: You've got exactly ten seconds to tell me what you're doing in this swamp.
Sage: O hai, Han Solo.
NC: Han, what are you talking about--oh, waitaminute. *dummy voice* A young kid on a distant backwater world finds a magic sword under the instruction of a wise old man, finds a rogue smuggler to help him defeat a dark overlord. This is Star Wa--*normal voice* Wait, is that guy a smuggler?
Sage: Yeah, he's a smuggler.
NC: *dummy voice* This is Star Wars!
Sage (v/o) Yeah, you're pretty much right. Star Chaser even goes beyond lifting plot elements and characters, and rips off iconic shots from the original trilogy.
NC: I can't believe it, this is shameful! This is insulting! This is downright unforgivable!
Sage: Oh, you wanna know what the best part is?
Sage: The same people who distributed this in theaters, also distributed the Garbage Pail Kids movie.
NC: *he cries in fear at the revelation while Night On Bald Mountain plays again*
Sage: *enjoying NC's pain* Mmm, mmm, oh yeah that's good. Excuse me for a moment, folks, I, uh, got some business to attend to. *he takes out a bottle of Keri moisturizing cream as we go to commercial break*
- after commercial*
Sage: *turns out he's rubbing the moisturizer onto his arms and elbows* What? I got crusty elbows.
- Orin tries to stab Dagg with the hilt, but nothing happens*
Dagg: What in the hell are you doing? *he then trips Orin into the swamp*
Sage (v/o): That's our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Guy who trips over himself when slightly tapped from behind.
NC (v/o): This, ahem, oh god, it feels disgusting viewing anything by those people, I--jee! This Han Solo wannabe is named Dagg, who tells Orin that the crystals he's been mining for all his life are comely thought to have been mined by robots. *a swamp monster appears behind Dagg* But the scene is interrupted by a swamp monster that grabs Dagg.
- the monster's about to eat Dagg, when Orin starts hacking and slashing at the monster*
NC: Now wait a minute, how come the sword works now, but not when he tried to stab Dagg?
Sage: Well, Critic, the movie never really explains why the sword works some times and not other times, and several fan theories have floated around to this day--
NC: Wait, wait, waitwaitwaitwaitwait. This movie has fans?
Sage: Yeah. In fact, just recently, it's been announced that plans are being made for a live-action remake.
NC: They did that, it was called STAR WARS! *slams the desk*
- a starfly floats around Orin*
Sage (v/o): Oh, and if this movie hasn't pushed all your rage buttons by now, it also has its own version of Navi from Legend of Zelda.
NC (v/o): Oh fancy fucking that.
- Orin tickles the starfly*
NC (v/o): Uh, is he fondling the little light bulb's junk?
Safe (v/o): I'd like to think so. Well, we don't linger on the possible molestation for long as a patrol comes along and starts attacking the two, and they retreat back to Dagg's ship.
- inside the ship, they're talked to by the ship's computer, Arthur*
Arthur: I wish you'd stop calling me your computer, Dagg, it's so impersonal! After all, you're body's just a machine made of flesh and blood. How would you like it if I went around calling you meatbrain?
Sage: O hai, C3P0!
NC: Waitaminute, it's not even a robot.
Sage: Okay, so, what do you call an AI that speaks in a prissy, whiny, effeminate voice and is largely used for comic relief?
NC: *facepalming* Son of a bitch, it is C3P0!
Arthur: Ow! I told you it wouldn't work!
NC (v/o): By the way, does Dagg ever finish that cigar? Do people just not know how to smoke things in space? I picture that's unlikely, cause they came up with this screenplay, didn't they?
- Dagg's ship is being fired upon by a laser turret*
NC (v/o): Okay, so the two fly off with Dagg deciding to attack a nearby base because...well, the movie has to find a way to shoehorn more lifted shots from Star Wars that way. Also, AT-ATs much?
Sage (v/o): Dagg manages to steal some of the mined crystals from a nearby transport ship, but Zygon captures Dagg before they can make off. But of course, Orin, not being the sharpest tool in the shed, demands the ship be lowered so he can confront Zygon head on.
- Orin drops behind Zygon, who notices him, blaster in hand*
Zygon: You! *Orin takes his sword out and charges at him*
Dagg: Kid, no! *Zygon shoots at Orin, but the sword absorbs the laser, knocking him down*
Sage (v/o): Ow, my sword! You know, as hopelessly dumb and naive Orin is, at least he's incredibly weak and akward.
Dagg: *pulling Orin away from the lasers* Get down! *while they're hiding behind cover, a fembot, named Silica, comes out from a door behind them*
Silica: Who the hell ordered this drill? *Dagg then proceeds to swipe her up into his arm* Hey!
Dagg: Come on, kid! *the group starts running to the ship while robots shoot at them*
NC (v/o): Yes, let's pointlessly carry this heavy robot that is in no way going to help us escape, and will in fact only hinder our chances of escape, making it safely aboard! God, I'm a tactical genius! But of course, this movie isn't set in any kind of logical universe, so they in fact make it safely aboard and blast off, leaving Zygon to mutter one of the strangest lines in the movie.
Zygon: It is him. The Ka-Khan has returned.
NC: The what has returned? *the line repeats* The ca-ca has returned? This movie's full of ca-ca, I never realized it left!
- Dagg is poking at Silica with tools, trying to reprogram her*
Sage (v/o): Well, Critic, if you thought that was strange, get a load of Dagg trying to reconfigure that fembot he picked up from earlier.
Dagg: Where the hell are the personality circuits on these G2 fembots?
Arthur: They're in her...posterior! *Dagg gets a rather sly grin on his face*
Silica: You wouldn't dare! *as she says that, the camera pans to her butt*
NC: He's not seriously going to...
Sage: Oh he's going there! See that look on his face? That's the look of a man who's about to plunder him some ass!
Silica: You wouldn't dare!
Sage: Ooh! Sorry folks, uh, had a flashback there for a moment.
Silica: Help, help! *Dagg soon tapes her mouth shut*
NC (v/o): Oh, it just gets better and better! Give it a few more seconds and we'll have a Cinema Snob review!
Orin: Dagg, why do you risk your life stealing crystals?
NC (as Orin): And how the hell did this movie only get a PG rating?
Sage: Wait for it!
Dagg: That should do it. *he closes up the butt panel and then takes the tape off the robot's mouth*
Silica: *porno sounding music comes on as she looks at Dagg seductively* Hi.
Dagg: That's more like it. *NC just looks on in shock, jaw hanging out*
Silica: Has anyone ever told you you're awfully cute for a meat body?
NC (v/o): Well, that seals it! We went from Star Wars to Star Whores in a matter of seconds!
Sage: Well, if there's one thing we can all learn from Star Chaser is that the way to a woman's heart is through her ass!
NC (v/o): Where the hell did this scene come from?! Who thought it was a bright idea to have Dagg probe a fembot's butt? A fembutt if you will! Didn't anyone think of the fact that there's a children's audience that will most likely see this? Probably, because they're the only ones who'll find this remotely funny!
NC: No wonder they ripped off Star Wars! The original ideas in this are just...eewww!
- a scene of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope*
Obi-Wan Kenobi: You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Sage (v/o): So after the two blast off into a Jackson Pollock painting, Orin and Dagg part ways, with Dagg meeting up with the film's version of Jabba the Hutt to hawk the crystals he stole.
Crime boss (I don't know his name, so feel free to put it in): Oh, Dagg, my nosy men thought they saw you with a young boy this evening. My girls do not excite you anymore? *and he laughs*
Sage: You know, that is exactly what this family friendly space adventure needed. Pedophilia jokes!
NC: Well that, and robot ass play!