March 18, 2020
(The Channel Awesome logo is shown. Then the Spider-Month title sequence plays, once again to the tune of the old Spider-Man cartoon show of the '60s)
NC (vo; singing):
- ♫ Spider-Month, Spider-Month ♫
- ♫ Still found nothing that rhymes with "month"? ♫
- ♫ Maybe we should change the name ♫
- ♫ "Cliff" sound good? ♫
- ♫ Yeah, let's go with "Cliff" ♫
(A shot of Baby Yoda from The Mandalorian is shown before cutting back to NC in the Spider-Man costume)
- ♫ Look out! Here comes "Cliiiiiff". ♫
(The word "Cliff" is displayed, ending the title sequence. Then we cut to the NC, who is at a get-together of some kind)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. The Internet has come a long way, hasn't it?
(A shot of envelopes covering the world (rather like the ads by Doug for ExpressVPN) is shown, representing email from computers and cell phones)
NC (vo): The sharing of information, entertainment and opinions has connected the world unlike anything else in history.
(Cut to a shot of a woman biting down on a pencil as she sits at a computer.)
NC (vo): True, early on, a lot of people were divisive, angry, and unsure about how to accept something they weren't familiar with. But as time went on, that changed.
(A shot of a collage of cell phones, each with a different social media app on it (Facebook, Twitter, etc.), is shown)
NC (vo): The Internet is now more open, more understanding, and will share their point of view...
NC: ...instead of shoving it down people's throat– (suddenly waves dismissively) Nah, I'm just kidding! We're more divisive than ever.
(The camera then turns around, revealing that NC is standing in the office of a man (played by Doug) with shock hair and smoking a cigar. He looks like J. Jonah Jameson. There are several other people in the room with him, too, played by Jim, Tamara and Malcolm)
Man: As the human representation of the Internet, it's my job to say you're wrong! You're all wrong!
Man (Jim): I just thought–
Internet Representation: Is it my thought?
Jim: I don't know.
Internet Representation: You should know my thoughts and agree with them. Get out of here! (Jim leaves)
Woman (Tamara): Sir, someone said something.
Internet Representation: Give an extreme reaction to it.
Woman: But you don't know what it is yet.
Internet Representation: Do I?
Woman: Do you?
Internet Representation: Well, that's deep. Bob!
Man (Malcolm): Right here.
Internet Representation: Oh, right. My next blog post: "I Said Something Deep; Let It Change Your Life".
Bob: What did you say?
Internet Representation: Does it matter?
Bob: Guess not...
Internet Representation: Get out of here! (Bob leaves) Ah, Critic, sit down.
NC: There's no place to sit...
Internet Representation: Liz, sit down for the Critic.
Liz (Tamara): Yes, sir. (does so)
Internet Representation: I understand you're going to review Spider-Man 3.
NC: Yes, that's right, Mr. Internet.
Internet Representation: It's a menace!
NC: (shrugs) Well, it's definitely a mess, but–
Internet Representation: It's the worst thing ever made! It robbed a bank, kicked a puppy and pissed on my leg!
Jim: (leaning in) A movie can do all that?
Internet Representation: If I said it, it must be true.
NC: I mean, there's some good things in it. I don't want to lie about my opinion.
Internet Representation: What are you, one of them?
Internet Representation: I don't know.
Jim: (to NC) Your silence only makes you more guilty.
Internet Representation: Get out of here! I can handle this. (Jim shrugs and leaves) Your silence only makes you more guilty. But you can fix that. Give me reviews of Spider-Man 3 terrorizing the city!
Bob: (coming back in) That doesn't make any sense.
Internet Representation: Troll!
Liz: Your desk is uneven.
Internet Representation: Liz, get him a coffee while you're down there.
Internet Representation: Don't make this political.
Bob: How is that–
Internet Representation: Go! (Bob leaves)
NC: Look, I have to tell people what I really think. I'm sorry I didn't get your (makes "finger quotes" while speaking mockingly) "written script" about what my opinion is.
Internet Representation: I know. (gives him a binder) That's why I brought you an extra copy.
(NC takes the binder, whose cover reads: "What Your Opinion Is, By The Internet")
Internet Representation: (to Jim) Make sure Spider-Man 3 looks like the worst thing ever created by human beings, or you're fired.
Internet Representation: That wasn't the intent, but sure. (Jim leaves)
NC: Look, it's such a vibrant, colorful feel. Do you think it's right to be so black-and-white?
Internet Representation: The Internet is colorblind. Now, you hate Spider-Man 3 like everyone else. Now take your coffee and get out!
(Liz holds up a cup of coffee somehow)
NC: (confused) How did–
Internet Representation: Get outta here!
(NC irritably slaps the cup of coffee out of Liz's hand, knocking it on the floor)
Internet Representation: Liz, clean that up.
(Liz raises her middle finger before lowering it down. Meanwhile, NC stops in the hallway to take a good look at the binder. He opens it to reveal a message: "Whatever the Internet Says!!!!!")
NC: Okay, here's my opinion. It may not be popular, but it's honest. I think there's something of value in every Spider-Man movie.
Internet Representation: (calling out) BURN HIM!!
(NC hears the sound of yelling and screaming before running off, as Liz, Jim and Bob chase after him with burning torches. Then cut to footage of various Spider-Man movies, including the Sam Raimi films and the Marc Webb films)
NC (vo): No matter how good or how bad, every Spider-Man movie gave me something that made me glad I watched it. I know that doesn't match the Internet's all-in mentality of you either have to 100% hate something or love something, but maybe the idea of Spider-Man is so good that it always has something strong sewn into it.
(An image of Spider-Man battling a guy in a skeleton costume is superimposed, with the message, "Hell YEAH This Too!" Then NC is seen running past, gasping for breath)
NC (vo): And even though the Internet says I'm supposed to hate everything about it, I do find some value in Spider-Man 3.
(Suddenly, a gun is fired at him, just barely missing his shoulder and hitting the wall behind him. Then he hears everyone yelling and runs off again as everyone continues to chase after him with torches. The title of Spider Man 3 is shown, before showing its footage)
NC (vo): A Spider-Man movie so despised, even its director has called it awful... (An image of a news report revealing director Sam Raimi's thoughts on the film is shown) ...Spider-Man 3 made a bundle at the box office, but didn't win over as many fans and audiences as it would've liked. Though Rotten Tomatoes technically has a positive critical rating... (The film's Rotten Tomatoes score is shown, with the critic rating at 63% and the audience rating at 51%) ...and even audience reaction is half-and-half, the people that hated Spider-Man 3 loathed it as one of the worst comic book movies ever made. When compared to its predecessors, which pushed comic book movies forward in a unique way and took its time evolving the characters... (An image of John Jameson from Spider-Man 2 is shown) ...for the most part...3 did seem like a step backwards. It crammed in too much story, too many characters, and you thought the other movies were zany? (The film's infamous dance sequence is briefly shown) This has a musical number, baby! Objectifiably...
Internet Representation: (offscreen) I think you mean "objectively".
NC: No, I think you're wrong, J. Jonas.
(The Internet Representation sighs)
NC (vo): ...it is one of the worst sequels by comparison. But, like the rest of the films, it went all-out...honestly, too all-out, creating something that, in my opinion, was still unique and entertaining. Like the other films, I do still have a soft spot for it and think the good moments aren't represented enough. So we're gonna take a look at what worked, what didn't work, and what really didn't work...but also what worked.
NC: So long as the Internet is okay with me having an opinion that's totally different from the rest... I'd better lock the door. (He walks over to his room's door and locks it, as Liz, Jim and Bob growl at him like vicious dogs. NC hastily sits back down) Let's take a look at Spider-Man 3.
NC (vo): The film opens, ironically, with everybody loving Spider-Man. He's seen as a hero, Peter's praised in his class – except with people over 40, and his girlfriend Mary Jane even got a starring role in a Broadway play.
Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst): (singing in said play) So they say...
Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire): (to two older guys sitting off to his sides) It's my girlfriend.
NC (vo; as these two guys in unison): Mine, too. (The two guys look at each other) Wait, what?
(On a higher level up in the theater, Harry Osborn (James Franco) is watching the play, too. He looks down at Peter with some degree of scorn)
NC (vo): The only hiccup is Harry might become a vengeful, insane maniac, but aside from that, things are good.
(After the play, Peter and Harry meet up on the street)
Peter: I need to talk to you. Explain things.
Harry: (visibly upset) Tell it to my father. Raise him from the dead.
NC: (as Peter) Hey, I know the Devil. (The cover for the infamous Spider-Man story "One More Day" is shown in the corner) I can make that happen.
(After the show, Peter meets up with Mary Jane at the after-party and hug)
MJ: Was I good?
Peter: Good? You were great!
MJ: (seeing a bouquet of red and yellow flowers) And those are from Harry. What's with you guys, anyway?
Peter: It's complicated.
MJ: Tell me again, was I really good?
NC: (as MJ) I mean, I know my husband's connection to the son of the Green Goblin should probably be in focus, but...tell me, was I good?
NC (vo): While hanging out on the web, a meteor with a mysterious black goo on it lands next to them. That shouldn't really be explained in a passing tone, but that's what the movie does, so I'm just gonna give it the possessed hand sound effect from Evil Dead 2 and move on.
(As the black goo advances toward Peter and MJ on the former's bike, said possessed hand sound effect from Evil Dead 2 plays. The goo lands on the license plate of the bike. Meanwhile, back in town...)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, police are in very slow pursuit of escaped convict Flint Marko, played cast with Thomas Haden Church. (An image of Marko in the comics, AKA Sandman, is shown off to the side) The crime he committed was apparently out of love for his daughter, who's very ill and needs money for surgery. Honestly, this is one of the more adult scenes in any of the Raimi films.
Flint: (to his wife, Emma) I'm just here to see my daughter.
Emma (Theresa Russell): You're not getting near her.
Flint: Good reason for what I was doing, and that's the truth.
Emma: That is the truth that you left behind.
(From outside his room, NC hears the sound of yelling. He looks up to see Liz, Jim and Bob pressed against his door, yelling and screaming at him while covering their ears)
Liz: IT'S SO TERRIBLE!!!
NC: (to the crowd) You know, not literally every second of this film is bad.
(Then his cell phone rings and he answers it)
Internet Representation: (yelling over phone) WRONG! (NC recoils at the raised voice)
NC (vo): Peter confesses to Aunt May that he's gonna ask MJ to marry him. In the time scale of things, it does seem a bit fast, as it doesn't look like they've been going for very long. I mean, him and Harry haven't talked yet, so not that much time must have passed. But hey, if she said yes to a guy who got two minutes of screen time, surely she'll say yes here.
Aunt May (Rosemary Harris): (to Peter) The day your Uncle Ben asked me to marry him, he was so scared and excited...and very young.
NC: Why do I feel like every scene of her should start with...
NC (vo; as Aunt May): ..."Titanic was called the Ship of Dreams"?
May: Your uncle had it all planned. He took me to the beach one Sunday. And then he said, "Close your eyes, May." And I did.
NC (vo; as May): And then he whipped it out! (as Peter) Aunt May! (as May) They didn't call him "Ben Ten-Inches" for nothing!
(That night, as Peter drives his motorcycle down the road, someone who looks like the Green Goblin appears and comes at Peter, who spots him in his rearview mirror)
NC (vo; as Peter): Oh, hi, Harry. (Suddenly, the Goblin grabs Peter) WHOA!
(The Goblin starts punching Peter, who punches back, revealing that this Goblin is in fact Harry Osborn)
NC (vo): Harry reveals himself as New Goblin...
(Cut to a shot of the IMDB page for this movie, which shows Franco being credited as both New Goblin and Harry Osborn)
NC (vo): No, really, that's what he's credited as.
(A snippet of the first movie's Green Goblin is shown)
NC (vo): ...and ironically, where the original Goblin costume looked too silly...
(Cut back to New Goblin in the third movie)
NC (vo): ...this one looked too boring. He looks like a snowboarding St. Patrick's Day Shredder. I feel like you could have done more with this.
Harry: You knew this was coming, Pete.
(Peter swings away, darting between two buildings, as Harry pursues)
NC: Now, the effects in this film have gotten a lot of flack over the years, but... (hesitates slightly)
(The first movie's scene of Peter jumping across the rooftops is shown)
NC (vo): Do you even first movie, bro?
(Cut back to the third movie and the special effects there)
NC (vo): There are occasional shots here and there where the camera tracking doesn't make them look especially cartoony, but the majority, for the time especially, I think are ambitious and creatively thought-out. Like in 2, they don't always look real, but they look cool, even if some of them I swear must have been going for a laugh.
(During the chase, Peter stands off to the side and sprays some web in Harry's path. Harry hits the web and is knocked off his hover board. As he tumbles downward, the Goofy Holler is heard, and he hits his head on a pipe on the way down to the ground. He crashes into a dumpster before falling to the ground, motionless and still)
Peter: (mortified) Harry?! (approaches Harry's body)
NC (vo): And Peter never saw Harry's corpse again. Off you go, Peter.
(The next scene shows Harry hospitalized, but still alive)
NC (vo): No, he takes Harry to the hospital, which must have been fun to explain. (as Peter) Yeah, he was rocket-surfing down an alleyway in his weaponized armor and then... (An image of Deadpool stroking a stuffed unicorn appears) Deadpool hit him. (normal again) But not far away, Flint runs away from the police into – you guessed it – another science experiment!
(Said experiment is a particle accelerator that fuses Flint's DNA with the surrounding sand)
NC: (arms crossed) I love how these films gets more and more lazy with how their villains transform.
(We cut to a science lab, where they are working with the accelerator, but they did not expect Flint's arrival)
Scientist 1: There's a change in the silicon mass.
Scientist 2: It's probably a bird. It'll fly away when we fire it up.
NC: (as Scientist 1) Pretty big bird... (as Scientist 2, waving dismissively) Ah, it's probably twenty birds stacked on top of each other to form a human shape. (as Scientist 1, shrugs) You're right. We're scientists; variables don't matter to us. (makes typing motions)
NC (vo): As always, we're shown on a molecular level the changes that take place as like sands in the hourglass...ah, you know.
(Flint is starting to get covered from top to bottom with sand and then gets blown away)
NC (vo; as Flint): No, I'm gonna be coarse, rough and get everywheeeeeerrrrre...!
(Meanwhile, Peter goes to the hospital to check up on Harry, who is recuperating and smiling a silly smile at Peter)
NC (vo): So, wouldn't you know it, Harry happens to get amnesia and doesn't remember a thing. And I'm not gonna lie, his dopey, happy-go-lucky performance is one of my favorite things in the movie.
Harry: (points to his own head) Hit my head.
Mary Jane: (running into the room) I got here as fast as I could.
Harry: (seeing MJ) I know that face.
(NC is heard laughing a dopey laugh)
Doctor: (to Harry) You have lovely friends.
Harry: My best friends.
NC: (as Harry) I don't have a care in the world. It's like I'm hosting the Oscars again.
(We then cut back to Flint as he emerges from a pile of sand, having now become the Sandman)
NC (vo): This brings us to yet another scene that is one of the best in any of the Spider-Mans: the Sandman coming to life right out of a poetic monster movie. So many of the emotional scenes in these films rely on speeches that usually go on too long, but here? No dialogue, no over-explaining, just a person trying to emotionally and physically pull himself back together. The effects are beautiful, the music touching, the imagery almost haunting in how simple, yet imaginative, it is. It's like an artistically fascinating short film snuck its way into this superhero movie. It's one of my favorite, if not my absolute favorite, moment, as there's no other scenes like this in any of the previous films.
(Suddenly, NC's phone goes off again and he answer it)
Internet Representation: (on phone) Wow. I never thought about it that way.
NC: (resignedly) Just say I'm wrong.
Internet Representation: No, really, you're making me look at things from a different point of view.
NC: (massaging his forehead) Just say I'm wrong.
Internet Representation: No, honestly, I'm gonna look deep inside...
NC: Just say I'm wrong.
(This goes back and forth in this way several times for a few more seconds, with the Internet Representation looking at it deeply and not jump to conclusions, while NC insists to be told that he's wrong until...)
Internet Representation: WRONG! (NC nods)
NC (vo): Mary Jane returns with negative reviews of the film– I mean, of her performance. And she's looking for emotional support from Peter, but another crime for Spider-Man interrupts.
Peter: Go get' em, Tiger? (MJ nods) I'm sorry.
NC (vo): I have to also give credit, this is the first time I actually find Peter and Mary Jane's relationship interesting as...
NC: ...they finally acknowledge it's not a healthy relationship.
NC (vo): Yeah, you know all those jokes I made before about how it's all based on lies and secrets and being emotionally immature? Well, here, it catches up with them. And I don't think that's something they just made up on the spot.
(Footage of Peter and MJ from the first two films is shown)
NC (vo): I think they were kind of planning that from the beginning, as look at Mary Jane's face at the end of 2. They must have known at some point they were gonna have to address relationship issues.
(Cut back to Spider-Man 3)
NC (vo):' And here, that's finally what they're doing. As things are finally going Peter's way, Mary Jane becomes the film's new punching bag. And he's not there to help her, because he's too busy with Spider-Man stuff.
Peter: Spider-Man gets attacked all the time.
MJ: This isn't about you. I look at these words, and it's like my father wrote them.
Police: (on radio in corner) All cars. All cars in the vicinity of...
NC (vo): She tries to understand, but the same way romantic angst was building with Peter, now it's building with her.
MJ: I know that you made a mistake and that you feel guilty, but...I want to be here for you.
Peter: Okay. I get it. Thank you.
NC (vo): It might be the only time in these movies they talk about a relationship like an actual relationship.
NC: But you know... (A shot of Peter's infamous dance is shown in the corner) That dance! So you can't be affected by any of this.
NC (vo): Okay, to the credit of this film's criticism, all of this would be fine and elevate the series to a new level...
NC: ...if that's all they focused on. And it's not.
NC (vo): There's another girl entering the picture named Gwen Stacy, played by Bryce Dallas Howard. She's the daughter of the police captain, played by James Cromwell. Going out with Topher Grace [Eddie Brock], played by Topher Grace, who's a photographer trying to take over Parker's job. She's also a model who doesn't know when to move out of the way of a crane.
(As Gwen looks out the skyscraper window, she spots the crane in question, carrying an I-beam, which accidentally swings in towards the window. She ducks down as the I-beam breaks the glass and sweeps across, shattering the window as it goes)
NC (vo): Spider-Woman in another universe, everybody. And all of this is revealed in literally one minute.
(The I-beam having left a gaping hole in the window which weakens the building's integrity, causing the floor to sag and make her start to fall. She clings for dear life to the edge of the floor, screaming)
Eddie Brock: (looking up) It's Gwen.
Captain Stacy: Who are you?
Eddie Brock: It's Brock, sir. I work at the Daily Bugle. And I'm...dating your daughter.
NC: (wearing a black cowboy hat) It's a mighty fine exposition there.
Eddie Brock: And I'm...dating your daughter.
NC (vo; as Captain Stacy): And I also told about my son, the astronaut?
(As the building starts to collapse, another piece of the floor swings in toward Gwen, about to crush her, but Spider-Man saves her in the nick of time and lowers her to the ground)
NC (vo): Spider-Man saves her and becomes such a big hero that Gwen puts together an event to offer him the key to the city.
(Stan Lee makes a cameo appearance, walking up to Peter)
Stan: I guess one person can make a difference. (beat) Enough said.
NC: (as Stan) It may sound corny now, but when I'm dead, you're gonna cry.
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Harry is still gosh-darned in the greatest moods.
Harry: (to Peter) Hey, do you have any girlfriends?
Peter: I don't know.
NC (vo; as Harry): Where do babies come from? God, I'm high.
Harry: (looking at a painting of his father, Norman) He always appreciated how you helped me through high school. I just wish I could remember more about him.
NC: (as Harry) This picture makes him seem like a nice guy...
NC (vo): ...who's secretly a blacklight image from the Haunted Mansion.
(Lightning flashes outside, which turns the Norman painting into that of the stone Medusa from Disneyland's Haunted Mansion. Then we cut to Flint walking down the street)
NC (vo): The next day, cops spot Flint and track him down to a sand truck.
(One cop walks across the top of the sand truck, holding a shovel)
NC (vo; as cop): I hope you have superpowers or else I'm about to murder you– (Suddenly, Flint/Sandman's giant sandy hand reaches out of the truck and grabs the cop) Oh, that's lucky!
(The cops open fire on the Sandman, who roars and flails his arms around)
NC: Yeah, I'm not sure why when he's bigger, his vocabulary switches to... (makes roaring sound)
(A montage of clips showing the Sandman roaring is shown)
NC (vo): Maybe he saw a hot woman and had to try his flirting cat sounds.
(NC makes the sound of a cat purring suggestively in place of the Sandman's roaring)
Jack Cole from Sideways (vo): Waiter!
(The Sandman escapes)
NC (vo; as a citizen): Oh, great, now I have sand in my shoe!
(In the park, there is a party going on honoring Spider-Man. Mary Jane and Harry are there, the latter holding a cotton candy)
NC (vo; as Harry): My cotton candy tastes like pink.
Harry: Hey, MJ. Hey, Pete said you're in a play.
MJ: I was let go.
Harry: You know, this is embarrassing, but I once wrote you a play in high school.
MJ: You wrote me a play?
NC: (as Harry) It was called "Princes Pretty Pretty and the Pretty Pretty Pretty", by Harry me.
NC (vo): Gwen somehow knows exactly where to point to introduce the webslinger, as the crowd encourages him to kiss her.
Spider-Man: Go ahead, lay one on me. They'll love it.
(Gwen does so after Spider-Man lifts up his mask for her. Unbeknownst to him, however, MJ, standing off to the side, sees everything and is stunned)
NC: (crosses arms) Now, this gets tricky, as Peter knows MJ's in the crowd, so this just kind of comes across as douchey.
NC (vo): I think what they're hinting at is Peter is so confident and knows so little about relationships...
Peter: Day by day, he gazed upon her. Day by day, he...
NC (vo): ...clearly..that he didn't put together this would hurt her, especially seeing their love is so strong that he's about to propose to her.
NC: I guess that's possible, but... Christ...
Nc (vo): ...does that seem douchey! Like can even he be that dumb? I mean, Mary Jane was only with two other men when she gave that kiss and one of them was you... Yeah, like I said, I'm glad they're showing this is not the best couple.
(Suddenly, a wave of sand appears as the Sandman arrives on the scene)
NC (vo): Sandman tries robbing a bank, and in yet another pretty cool fight scene, Spider-Man stops him, but he gets away.
Peter: Where do all these guys come from?
NC: (as Peter) And more importantly, can they be memed more than me on the Internet?
(As he says this, we have a collage of shots of Peter's various expressions, providing meme material. Then we go to a commercial. After the commercial, we see Peter in a fancy restaurant)
NC (vo): So Peter gets ready to propose at a fancy restaurant, where Bruce Campbell plays the maître d'.
Maître d': Pecker
Maître d': That is what I said, Pecker!
NC (vo): I always imagined this was the same guy from every film; he just keeps losing jobs and put on an incredibly fake French accent to get this one.
NC: He even at one point just randomly says: "I'm French."
Maître d': Romance. I am French.
NC (vo; as Maître d'): Unless you see IRLS, in which case, (Russian accent) I am Russian from Moscow.
NC (vo): Mary Jane arrives, but so does Gwen, who also happens to be in Peter's class. Now, how could this go wrong?
Gwen: Pete, if you've got a picture of my kiss with Spider-Man... (sees MJ) After all, who gets kissed by Spider-Man, right?
MJ: I can't imagine.
(An image of fire is edited into MJ's eyes as Gwen leaves)
MJ: (to Harry) I don't feel very well. I'm sorry, I have to go.
NC (vo): MJ walks out, saying Peter just doesn't understand her, which...I think is fair...as subplot 122 is introduced: The police say Flint Marko is the real killer of Uncle Ben.
Dennis Carradine: What are you doing?
NC (vo); as Flint): You ever saunter with the spiders in the sandbox of life? (normal) You might be wondering, why weren't they told about this?
Peter: Why weren't we told about this?
Captain Stacy: Settle down, son.
Peter: No, I have no intention of settling down.
NC: Hey, he said settle down! I think that explains everything.
NC (vo): Yeah, this is when the movie starts to spiral out of control. Not only is there now another killer of Uncle Ben... Great, we get to go back to that. But the black goo from the meteor clings onto Peter, thus starting one of my favorite storylines from the comic: (A shot of the storyline in question is shown) the alien costume saga.
(Shots of this comic is shown)
NC (vo): Now, there, it's a long process of the suit slowly corrupting him, balancing difficult choices with dark imagery, something you would think the director of Evil Dead and A Simple Plan could do it his sleep.
NC: But weirdly, it's done like...well, we've compared these to the Superman movies before, so let's do it again. It's done like...
(Cut to a shot of...)
NC (vo): ...Superman III. He acts mean, but it's almost played more for laughs.
(Cut back to clips of Spider-Man 3, emphasizing the corrupted Spider-Man battling the Sandman)
NC (vo): You see, at first it looks like it might work, with Peter killing Flint with water in a fight that...hasn't age that great, but at least has the heightened vengeance down from the suit.
Spider-Man: Good riddance.
NC (vo): After that though, it's the start of... (sighs grudgingly) Emo Peter.
(Outside NC's door, he spots Jim, Bob and Liz all looking in and nodding their heads. NC sways his head in annoyance)
NC: Emo Peter is awful. (His cell phone rings and he answers it while looking up and yelling...) YOU'RE RIGHT!
Internet Representation: Of course I am!
NC (vo): Don't get me wrong, Emo Peter is hilarious, covering his hair over his eye, wearing all black, trying to act cool when a teen who sees himself as Rick when really he's a Morty acts cool.
NC: (shrugs) It's funny, but when you think of the movie we could be getting, (The poster is shown in one corner) the one the posters were promising... (In the opposite corner is a shot of Peter's infamous dance) it is a letdown.
Mr. Ditkovitch (Elya Baskin): Give me rent.
Peter: You'll get your rent when you fix this DAMN DOOR! (looks toward Ursula, Mr. Ditkovitch's daughter)
NC (vo; Peter): And you, your cakes SUCK!
(Peter storms out)
NC (vo): Peter tells Aunt May Spider-Man killed Flint, I guess clarifying she didn't figure out he was Spider-Man from the last film.
NC: Though, honestly, I like to think she did, and this is just her secret backhanded way of teaching him a lesson.
Peter: Spider-Man killed him.
Aunt May: Spider-Man? Spider-Man doesn't kill people.
NC (vo; as Aunt May): I think if Spider-Man were here, I'd call him a psycopath. (as Peter) No, if Spider-Man were here, he'd probably call you too soft. (as Aunt May) I think Spider-Man needs Jesus. (as Peter) I think Spider-Man's telling you to shut the hell up! (as Aunt May) I think Spider-Man's very rude! (as Peter) Yeah, Spider-Man's a dick. (normal) Meanwhile, Mary Jane is still feeling isolated, so she reaches out to someone who will understand.
(She calls Harry, who is painting a vase)
NC (vo; as Harry): This is even better than quilt sewing. (phone rings) Oh, boy, the phone! I hope it's cotton candy delivery!
Harry: (answering phone) Hello?
NC (vo): MJ comes over to Harry's to do some swing-omelette cooking...
NC: My God, even Mickey Mouse would look at you, saying...
(The scene is replayed, with the addition of a bored-looking Mickey Mouse)
NC (vo; as Mickey): Damn, you all need to get laid! (normal again) ...as MJ puts the moves on him, instantly regretting it.
MJ: (pulling away from Harry) I didn't mean to do that.
Harry: No, it's okay. Please. Mary Jane, please!
MJ: (walking down the hall) I'm sorry.
NC (vo; as Harry): Would it help if we kissed upside down in the shower. My butler can help.
(Suddenly, lightning flashes as Harry has flashbacks of his father, restoring his memory)
NC (vo): Wouldn't you know it, Harry gets his memory back and remembers he wants revenge. (Harry grabs MJ by the throat) Thus begins the part of the movie I easily hate the most. And yes, I am aware that's saying quite a bit...Harry forcing MJ to break up with Peter.
(MJ meets up with Peter to tell him the bad news)
MJ: It's over.
Peter: (going emo again) No. Please. Please, don't say that.
NC: A couple of things. (holds up thumb) One, there's a million ways out of this.
NC (vo): Just go up to Peter and tell him: "Harry's over there. He wants me to break up with you. Lob a statue at him." (An image of a statue is edited in, being thrown at Harry)
NC: Second, it just made me realize, why do they have Harry had amnesia at all?
NC (vo): Wouldn't it make more sense if it was written he acted like everything was good and slowly worked his way into breaking Peter and MJ up? It'd make him more a diabolical villain, and it wouldn't waste any time.
NC: Third, this is the first time I've actually given a shit about Peter and MJ's relationship, because they actually gave them relatable problems.
NC (vo): It was more than just romantic one-liners and "will they, won't they" cliches.
NC: Now it's just a third party forcing them to hate each other. It's not relatable and it's unbelievably forced!
NC (vo): Even when Harry meets up with Peter, he doesn't seem that bummed. Who would be after this romance takes such a stupid turn?
Peter: Harry, I was gonna to propose her.
Harry: (speaking in the voice of Johnny from The Room) Anyway, how is your sex life?
(NC was taking a drink of water, but when he hears that line, he spits it out in shock)
NC: How does that always keep happening?!
Harry: I'm the other guy.
(Peter gets up to leave as the waitress in the coffee shop pours him coffee)
Coffee Shop Waitress: How's the pie?
Harry: So good.
NC: That look you give when you got away with (A shot of Harry's amnesia in the hospital is shown in the corner) giving a troll performance for half the movie.
(As Peter leaves, Harry smiles evilly toward him, then disappears as a truck passes in front of him. A black man sitting nearby looks up to see him gone)
NC: That dude has a look like...
NC (vo): (as coffee shop customer) "Did that weirdo just get up and run behind the wall when that truck passed? I gotta stop going to coffee shops with needles on the floor." (mormal) So Peter pulls out his secret weapon.
(He looks toward the black suit in the suitcase)
Voice: Ash nazg gimbatul!
NC (vo): He goes to Harry's home, where he confronts him.
Harry: And when she kissed me... That taste... Strawberries.
(Peter punches Harry)
NC (vo): Peter starts fighting him as Harry reveals he found Dad's secret stash.
(The fight spills into Norman's lair, where the Green Goblin weapons are found. Peter then throws Harry against a glass shelf, shattering the glass)
NC (vo; as Harry): Good news, I have amnesia again.
Harry: You gonna kill me like you killed my father?
Peter: You were an embarrassment to him. Gonna cry?
NC: Hypocrite. (Images of Peter crying appear in the corner)
(Harry tries to throw a Pumpkin Bomb grenade at Peter, but he catches it with a web and throws it back at Harry, where it explodes near him)
NC (vo): Parker blows Harry's face up and discovers the next day Eddie Brock has sent fake pictures to the Daily Bugle.
Newsstand Patron #1: My son thought the world of this guy.
Newsstand Patron #2: I have a nine-year-old daughter who loved Spider-Man. Who's she supposed to look up to now?
NC: (as this patron) I mean, the first couple of times we hated him and we want him arrested, but the 27th time? That's too many!
NC (vo): Peter goes to the Bugle to confront Brock, who I have to admit is...kind of growing on me. Not as an authentic Eddie Brock, but more as a...bizarro Peter. He's like if Peter was wormy and had no ethics. So, Spider-Man 3 Peter, the more I think about it.
Peter: Tell him to check his source next time.
Robbie: It's a fake! The Photographic Department confirms it.
NC (vo): Yeah, you really needed to circle those to prove it's a fake. Gee, why don't you show me how this wasn't the largest inauguration either?
(Now we have that infamous scene in the movie where Peter saunters down the street to a '70s-type funky beat)
NC (vo): Peter does his infamous strut, which, again, might be funny in the same way a dork tries to act cool, but...
NC: ...do people like him or not?
NC (vo): In one scene, they're repulsed by him, but in another, they're all over him. It just keeps going back and forth, so even the movie doesn't have an idea of what we're supposed to think of him.
Ursula: That wasn't cool. I have some nuts, I could make some.
Peter: Go make me some.
NC (vo): Peter even starts dating Gwen and takes her to the jazz club where MJ works.
Peter: Find us some shade.
NC (vo; as Peter): Mr. Washington says there's a table ready. (as jazz club waitress) No, Mr. Washington better know cloning, 'cause he needs 49 more Washingtons for me to do shit.
Gwen: Isn't that your old girlfriend?
Jazz Club Musician: Mary Jane, show us what you got.
NC (vo): MJ gets up to sing and...
Internet Representation: All right, here we go, here we go. Now the real show's about to start here.
(NC gets up from his seat and spots the Internet Representation and his staff sitting on the floor out in the hall and eating a bowl of popcorn)
Internet Representation: You want some? You want some? It's good. It's really good. (laughs as they eat) Oh, man.
NC: (looking out through the door) What are you doing?
Internet Representation: You know what we're doing.
Liz: You're trying to be nice to this movie? Well, let's see you be nice to this.
Bob: Let's see you dance your way out of this one.
Internet Representation: Oh, I see what you did there! That was good, that was good! (laughs) That's really good!
(NC groans and goes back to his seat)
Jim: He'll never make it.
Internet Representation: He'll never make it.
(NC sits back down)
NC: All right, let's talk about the dance number.
Peter: Double time! (jumps on top of piano)
NC (vo): It's every bit as insane as you remember it. I guess to the trilogy's credit, this does almost seem like the next logical step.
(Clips of the weird scenes in the earlier movies are shown)
NC (vo): I mean, we went from wrestling to poetry-reading to talking arms.
(Cut back to the dance in the third movie)
NC (vo): Why wouldn't there be a dance number by this point?
NC: And let's also be honest: the scene is meant to be funny...and it's fucking hilarious!
Peter: (whispering) Take on this. (snaps fingers to a soft jazz tune)
NC (vo): It's like (A shot of Mr. Freeze is superimposed) Arnold from Batman & Robin. I don't know what way it was supposed to make me laugh, but...it is definitely making me laugh.
NC: Let's also give credit to hands-down the best performances in the movie.
NC (vo): Not Kirsten Dunst, not Thomas Haden Church...
NC: ...but the...
NC (vo): ...black people who have to act like they're digging this. Oh, yeah! Tobey Maguire and Bryce Dallas Howard dancing to jazz? There has never been a whiter thing said in the history of mankind, and we love it!
NC: Give every black person in this scene an Oscar, (An image of an Oscar is shown off to the side, with the message: "Best Performance Making Tobey Maguire Seem Cool") 'cause they fucking deserve it!
NC (vo): But honestly, the goofiness of this scene I could handle...
(Cut to the Green Goblin's chat with Spidey in the first movie)
NC (vo): ...as I've kinda gotten used to it in these movies.
(Cut back again to the third movie)
NC (vo): It's just that we could be spending this time really diving into the duality of Peter and the alien suit.
(A shot of a Spider-Man comic is shown, displaying the alien suit there)
NC (vo): In the comic, there's a dream sequence. It's one of the most iconic in all of Spider-Man history. With Sam Raimi's visual dark style, this could be absolutely amazing.
(Cut back to the third movie once again)
NC (vo): But instead, it's replaced with Peter's nipples blowing air on his date.
News reporter: It's hard to believe what is happening.
(The Internet Representation and his staff all heave a huge sigh)
Bob: That was satisfying.
Liz: Was it good for you, Internet?
Internet Representation: Nothing's ever good for me.
NC: (rolls eyes) There have been better scenes.
Internet Representation: Sure, after you saw the worst.
(In the movie, after Peter and Gwen's dance, MJ spots them, looking stunned)
Gwen: (to Peter, realizing the truth) That was all for her?!
NC (vo; as Gwen): I thought you took me to your ex-girlfriend's job so we could get coupons. You know, for a science major, I'm pretty dumb! (normal) Peter gets in a fight with Mary Jane, even ending up hitting her, which finally makes him realize the suit has pushed him too far.
(We then cut to the iconic moment of Spider-Man brooding on the roof of the bell tower, with a matching shot of the poster in the corner)
NC (vo): Did you really think, when you saw this scene on the poster, (The dance scene is shown again) this would be the scene that leads up to it?
(We then cut to Eddie Brock)
NC (vo): This guy knows how Christianity works.
Eddie: (kneeling in a church pew) I come before You today, to ask you for one thing: I want you to kill Peter Parker.
NC: Yes, (Image of Jesus appears in the corner) as Jesus said in the Bible, "Do unto others... You want me to kill a guy? I'll fucking kill a guy!"
NC (vo): Peter uses the bell to get the suit off of him, causing it to fall onto Brock, transforming him into Venom, who so happens to bump into the Sandman... Yeah, New York is a pretty small city...and they both vow revenge on Spider-Man.
Eddie: (to Flint, slowly turning into Venom) I want to kill the Spider, you want to kill the Spider. (fully becomes Venom) Interested?
(A clip of the more recent Venom is shown, before cutting back again to Venom in Spider-Man 3)
NC (vo): While the recent Venom movie certainly looks more like the comic, this one actually does look pretty good, incorporating the Spider-Suit texture into the skin and coming across as genuinely intimidating. Honestly, given a lot of other things we've seen in this movie, I kind of thought this would be a lot worse. Hey, I forget, how do all these movies end again?
(They end with Mary Jane held hostage, this time in a taxicab suspended in a web strung across some buildings high in the air)
News reporter: A young woman held hostage in a taxi!
News anchor: The hostage has been identified as Mary Jane Watson.
(An accompanying news caption reads: "Mary Jane Watson – Former Broadway Star")
NC: Shouldn't the news caption read...
(Additional text is added to the news caption...)
NC (vo): (reading text in deep voice) ..."YEP, THIS BITCH AGAIN".
News anchor: We're going to take you live to the scene with Jennifer Dugan.
NC: (as the news anchor) We were gonna let April O'Neil and Lois Lane report on this story, but they're kidnapped with her in the car, too.
NC (vo): Harry discovers from his butler what really should have been told to save tons of lives when you add everything up.
Bernard Houseman (John Paxton): (to Harry) The night your father died... there is no question that he died by his own hand.
NC (vo): Why do old people keep really important shit from young people in this movies?
Houseman: I loved your father, as I have loved you, Harry...
NC: (as Houseman) Enough to allow you to...
(Harry's fall as the New Goblin is shown again)
NC (vo; as Houseman): ...ruin your life on several occasions.
NC: (normal, frustrated) You're like a weekend father who doesn't show up on weekends!
Houseman: ...as your friends love you...
NC (vo; as Houseman): Anyway, I'll go fire myself. (as Harry) No unemployment checks. (as Houseman) I figured.
(Peter takes out his original Spider-Man suit and goes off into the city to save MJ)
NC (vo): I have to admit, the film really does get back to its cornball sappiness these movies are best known for, as Spider-Man comes to save the day, first posing by an American flag, and giving these extras more cheese to chew on than a Velveeta factory.
(The crowd of people cheer Spidey's arrival)
Jennifer Dugan (Lucy Gordon): He seems to have come out of nowhere to answer (NC snickers) the prayers of the city, just when all hope seemed to be lost.
NC: (as Dugan) I'm Mary Benign, and I'm ending this report on a slow, inspiring shake head. (looks up and shakes head)
NC (vo): He finds he can't fight off Evil Pac-Man and Sand Shrek alone, so Harry finally arrives to help. Harry sacrifices himself to save Peter, as Peter finally figures out how to blow up the alien suit and Topher Grace's career.
(Spidey throws one of the Green Goblin's Pumpkin Bombs at Eddie Brock's Venom suit)
NC (vo; as Eddie Brock): I'll be back when Spike Lee want to cast a douche as a Klansman!
(The bomb explodes, utterly annihilating both Venom and Eddie. Then Peter turns to see the Sandman, who has turned back into Flint)
NC (vo): It's okay, though; the Sandman is (mockingly) really sorry.
(We have a flashback to the night Uncle Ben was murdered, in which Flint was the one who had pulled him out of the car)
Flint: I told your uncle all I wanted was the car.
Ben (Cliff Robertson) (in flashback): What is it?
Flint: (in flashback; pulling him out) I need your car.
NC (vo): Peter finds out the killing of Uncle Ben was at least done in the nicest way possible...
(We flash back to the present day as Peter sheds a tear)
NC (vo): ...and finds it in his heart to forgive him.
Flint: The only thing left to me now...is my daughter.
Peter: I forgive you.
NC: (as Flint) I'm not asking for forgiveness, I'm asking for money. My daughter still needs an operation.
(Flint disintegrates into sand which flies away)
NC (vo; as Flint): Well, I'm off to rob another bank. Hopefully, my kid lives. This was an odd way to wrap things up for me. (The title for the TV show Wings is displayed in the corner) Remember to watch Wings.
NC (vo): Harry dies as they go to...what, their fifth visit to the graveyard? You know, you do six funerals and the seventh is free. And Peter visits Mary Jane once more at her job.
(MJ and Peter embrace tearfully)
NC (vo; as MJ): Sorry, but I'm getting married. (as Peter) Seriously?! (as MJ) Yeah, another astronaut, too. (A shot of Mr. Fantastic is superimposed)
NC: And that was Spider-Man 3.
Internet Representation: Yeah! (scoffs) Tell us! Tell us that was actually a good movie!
NC: (sighs as he tries to explain it) It was way too much and totally insane, even as these movies go, but... (hesitates somewhat) I can't act like I wasn't entertained.
(The Internet Representation and his staff all groan. Then we cut to footage of this movie one last time as NC gives his final thoughts on it)
NC (vo): Maybe because I already didn't take these films that seriously, I just didn't feel as betrayed as everyone else did. I like the majority of the action, it always kept my attention, and the stuff that works, I think, is some of the best in three movies. But when it doesn't work, it's some of the worst. And weirdly, sometimes, the best moments and worst moments are one and the same. Sandman is a great character...except when he eventually isn't. The main relationship is well-handled...except when it eventually isn't. The effects are really good...except they eventually aren't. I feel like all they really needed to focus on were two of these storylines, like maybe the black suit and the romance, similar to what they did in 2, focusing on Peter's personal life and Doc Ock. But, they tried too many things, leaving too many missed opportunities, because they couldn't squeeze it all in. But when I saw this movie, audiences gasped three times. (Peter's infamous dance is shown again) And no, it wasn't at that moment. Once, when the ring was almost lost; another, when Harry and MJ kissed; and the final, when Peter hit her. Any film that got a crowd invested enough to gasp three times is doing something right. But yeah, I can't ignore the bad stuff. It is way too much being juggled, causing motivations to not always make sense, and sometimes, even the characters coming across as unlikable. So I guess it depends. If you're looking for some of the best scenes in the Spider-Man movies, there's certainly some here. But if you're looking for the best Spider-Man movie, you are definitely far from home.
(The Internet Representation and his staff all laugh, which confuses NC)
NC: Why is that funny?
Channel Awesome tagline – Maître d': I am French.
(The credits roll)