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Spider-Man: No Way Home

Spider-Man No Way Home NC.jpg

Release Date
May 11th, 2022
Running Time
28:04
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(After the 2022 NC opening plays out, we fade in to a dressing room, where Tamara is at. She notices a laser gun prop with a sign that says "Not a parallel universe gun. Do not use for parallel universes". After a beat, we suddenly cut to Tamara preparing to use the laser gun. Malcolm walks in)

Malcolm: What's that?

Tamara: A parallel universe gun from the wardrobe room.

Malcolm: Sounds right.

Tamara: I figure, since we're reviewing No Way Home, it'd be cool to see what we look like in a parallel universe.

Malcolm: (notices the sign) But isn't that a sheet that says "Don't do that", though?

Tamara: Critic put that there.

Malcolm: Oh, by all means, light it up.

(Tamara fires the laser gun, just as NC walks in)

NC: Hey, Malcolm. Hey, Tamara. (Quickly becomes concerned) What in God's name are you doing?

Malcolm: We found your portal gun.

Tamara: Yeah, we figured we could find different versions of ourselves for the Spider-Man review.

NC: (smiling nervously) No, no, you don't need to do that. In fact, I'll do it.

(He attempts to switch off the gun as Malcolm tries to stop him)

Tamara: Hey, why are you so concerned with us using this?

(Suddenly, a portal appears and out steps a different version of NC. This NC is wearing a Spider-Man mask)

Malcolm: Wow! You're a Spider-Critic!

(Another version of Malcolm steps out of the portal, wearing the same clothing as Miles Morales)

Tamara: Malcolm Morales!

(And lastly, another version of Tamara steps out of the portal, dressed as the Doc Ock from the Amazing Spider-Man 2 review)

Malcolm: Tamtavious?!

Tamara: This is awesome! Why didn't you want us to see this?

Malcolm Morales: (suddenly points at NC) Hey, it's the copycat!

Tamara: What?

Tamtavious: Let me guess, he reviews nostalgic properties with over-the-top reactions?

NC: (scoffs) That is absurd...

Malcolm: Yes.

NC: (frowns) Yes.

Malcolm Morales: He's been wearing a similar outfit for 18 years?

Tamara: No, 15. (Suddenly gasps and looks at NC) Did you steal from the Spider-Verse?!

NC: No.

Malcolm: It's the exact same thing, except yours is more successful.

NC: No, it's a different universe, so it doesn't count.

Malcolm: Why?

NC: Fewer people have seen it.

Tamtavious: Hey!

NC: Come on! (Gestures to Spider-Critic) This guy doesn't even sound like me!

Spider-Critic: (in the same voice and tone as Gilbert Gottfried) I am appalled that someone would be stealing from us so blatantly!

Tamara: He sounds just like Gilbert Gottfried.

NC: So?

Tamara: You sound just like Gilbert Gottfried.

NC: I can't even do Gilbert Gottfried! Watch. (Clears his throat and attempts to mimic Gottfried) A guy walks into a talent agen... (Speaks normally again) Goddamn it. Even when I try not to, I do it.

Malcolm Morales: He took the same idea we had, recreated it, and everyone thinks it's so fresh and new!

NC: Okay, okay, so I surrounded myself with similar people and similar ideas, but... (Nervously speaks his next line) Artistically, people like you more. (NC's response annoys the three alternate versions, who all groan and yell angrily. Desperate, NC points to the back) Look, a guy pointing!

Spider-Critic: I think it's clear we're not gonna look, because it's an obviously fabricated distraction... (The camera cuts back to the real Malcolm and Tamara, revealing NC has left) And he escaped while I was explaining that!

Tamtavious: Split up and find him!

Malcolm: Can we wave our fists and yell?

Tamtavious: Yes. Preferably.

(Everyone yells and raises their fists in the air, running out of the room to find NC, who has ran into his review room. He closes the door and sits down on his chair)

NC: Should a successful property be praised when something like it was already done...in the same franchise?

(Posters for The Wild and Madagascar are shown, before we are shown various footage of Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, while a few clips from the movie about to be reviewed are also shown)

NC (vo): Don't get me wrong, it happens whether we agree to it or not. Hunger Games with Battle Royale, X-Men with Doom Patrol, Phantom of the Opera with School Days. It's an age-old occurrence. Though, with one of the biggest movies to come out in recent years, Spider-Man: No Way Home, I was shocked how few people were pointing out the similarities between the Spider-Man property many people still proclaim as the best Spider-Man movie, Into the Spider-Verse. Praised by critics and audiences and even winning the Oscar for Best Animated Film, it didn't get the box office return it was hoping for, or at least nothing near No Way Home. Sony is doubling down, though, literally, with two sequels in the works, hoping the goodwill it's built up will equal good ticket sales. But that still raises the question: Is a Sony movie about Spider-Man in a multiverse of crossovers ripping off another Sony movie about Spider-Man in a multiverse of crossovers?

Tamara: (offscreen) Hey, so who plays Daredevil in your universe?

Spider-Critic: (offscreen) AFFLECK!!

NC: It's complicated.

(The title for Spider-Man: No Way Home is shown, before showing its footage fully)

NC (vo): First of all, you have to realize the hype around this movie was almost next level. I'm really not kidding when I say this was on par with Endgame or The Dark Knight. It wasn't just past characters from Spider-Man meeting up, it was past actors. The Internet flipped just seeing Alfred Molina, and knowing there could be even more actors involved made everyone, well... (Two shots of Spider-Man (2002) are shown briefly, one shot of Peter suffering from the aftereffects of the spider bite, and the other of Peter accidentally firing his web at a model, destroying it) Honestly, the movie still would've done great even if it was just okay. But luckily, it had some great action, wonderful acting, and surprisingly brilliant storytelling that balanced a ton of characters, many of them beloved, into one movie without being a huge mess. Only one other Spider-Man film managed to do this more effectively, and, you guessed it, it came out four years earlier. But here's the thing. Not only is No Way Home live-action, which doesn't make it a better experience, but does make it a different experience, but it's done at the height of the nostalgic reboot. Yes, nostalgic properties have been milked for years, but the idea of getting the original cast for a reunion/re-imagining is not only hot, but it's fading into lukewarm. (Posters of Bill & Ted Face the Music, Ghostbusters: Afterlife, Scream (2022), the upcoming Flash movie, Halloween Kills, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022) are shown) No Way Home came out just as people were starting to get sick of aging stars banking on your fond memories. But it still did something new yet familiar, winning everybody over, and that's no small feat. I don't think it's an example of Spider-Verse walks so No Way Home could run, it's more Spider-Verse runs so No Way Home could...run in a different way. While there are similarities, and I still stand by Spider-Verse is the better film, I think it's important to understand why this worked as well as it did and why, in my opinion, it's a case of influence, not ripoff, to a point where people you'd think would call it a ripoff don't.

(The three alternate versions approach NC's door)

Malcolm Morales: Aha! He's in here!

Tamtavious: (unable to open the door) Damn it!

Tamara: (watching the scene along with Malcolm) What? What's wrong?

Malcolm Morales: We come from a universe where the aliens from Signs took over.

Spider-Critic: We're not very good with doors.

Tamara: It's okay. Let's just get some water and we'll think of a plan.

(The alternate versions groan loudly in disgust)

NC: Let's take a look at Spider-Man: No Way Home.

(The film starts at the exact moment when Peter Parker/Spider-Man discovers that his latest enemy, the recently-deceased Quentin Beck/Mysterio, has managed to reveal his identity to the entire world before his death and framed Spider-Man for his own crimes)

NC (vo): The film picks up right where the last one left off, where Spider-Man, played by Tom Holland, being outed as Peter Parker, and his girlfriend, MJ, played by Zendaya, caught in the middle after people think he killed the false hero, Mysterio.

(A panicked Spider-Man swings around New York with a terrified MJ holding onto him tight)

MJ: I told you I never wanted to do this ever again!

NC (vo): Even though the effects in this are hit-and-miss, I have to admit, the swinging scenes are probably the best since Amazing Spider-Man 2. Yes, good things came out of that, aside from Giamatti's accent.

(A clip of the Rhino from ASM2 is shown, as we are also shown fading in footage of Miles from Sideways making an embarrassed expression)

Rhino: I crush you, I kill you! I destroy you!

(As the days go by after the secret is revealed, Peter, MJ, his best friend Ned Leeds, and aunt May are all interrogated by the Department of Damage Control)

NC (vo): They go to Aunt May, played again by Marisa Tomei, but so do the police, and everybody gets arrested. I hate it when the jackass cop in a movie has a point.

Cop: (interrogating Aunt May) The boy was entrusted to you, and as his legal guardian, you not only allowed him to endanger himself, but you actually encouraged it.

NC: (speaking as a lawyer while holding papers) Uh, my client would like to refer to the argument of, "Oh, come on! Comic books!"

(Back at the apartment, Peter, Aunt May, and Peter's bodyguard, Happy Hogan, all speak with Peter's lawyer)

NC (vo): They're released on bail and are greeted by, I don't care what anyone says, my favorite cameo.

(Peter's lawyer is revealed to be Matt Murdock from the 2015 Daredevil show, played again by Charlie Cox)

Matt Murdock: That's great.

(The sound of an audience cheering is suddenly heard, confusing NC)

NC: Huh?

(Malcolm Morales is shown to be playing the sound on his phone)

Malcolm Morales: Oh, does your universe not require an audience track with your movie?

NC: No.

Tamtavious: Ours does. It's the law.

NC: It's the law for all your movies to have audience tracks?

Tamtavious: No, just this one.

Malcolm Morales: Yeah, the pauses go on way too long without them.

(After Matt reveals that he managed to get Peter's charges dropped, he suddenly uses his senses to catch a brick that was thrown through the window and was about to hit Peter. Everyone stares in silent bewilderment at Matt's ability to catch the brick)

NC: Okay, fair enough.

Spider-Critic: Oh, this track is especially good, because I was at the screening.

(The moment Matt is revealed as Peter's lawyer is shown again with the sound of audience applauding and Spider-Critic's voice being heard yelling "AFFLECK!!")

NC (vo): I really like this cameo for two reasons. One, it's nice knowing these series are still canon. (An image of The Defenders is shown) Two, Peter doesn't have any money, so it makes sense he would represent him, which is more than I can say for that Jennifer Susan Walters. God, I hate her ads! (An image of Jennifer Susan Walters is shown with a quote that says "I'll show you the green!")

(Peter, MJ, and Ned are shown returning to school for their final year, with two crowds, one supporting Spider-Man and the other supporting Mysterio, watching them)

Mysterio supporter: Mysterio forever!

NC (vo): Peter, MJ, and his pal Ned all try their best to adapt, and I knew this movie was working when I realized I didn't need the characters from the other movies. No part of me was getting restless or looking at my phone saying, "When are they gonna arrive?" These leads are so ridiculously likeable, their problems surprisingly relatable, and the pacing, for as much information as they throw at you, is amazingly stellar. Much like Spider-Verse, this should not work, but it brilliantly balances out.

(Months later, Peter, MJ, and Ned all get a letter from MIT that rejects their applications)

Ned: (reading) In light of recent controversy, we are unable to consider your application at this time.

(Later, Peter goes to a snow-covered New York Sanctum to ask Stephen Strange for help)

NC (vo): Peter sees his friends are not accepted into college, most likely because of him. So he goes to his friend, Doctor Strange, played by Benedict Cumberbatch's still hilarious American accent...

Doctor Strange: The sanctum's built at the intersection of cosmic energy currents. Some of these walls are thousands of years old.

(A clip from The Simpsons is shown)

Pierce Brosnan: (his voice is on the phone that Marge is listening to) This is Constable Wiggums. Remove your knickers and wait in the bath.

NC (vo): ...who can possibly help out while defrosting his house. (Beat) Yeah, I still don't know what the point of that was.

(At a hidden temple, Strange conjures up a forgetting spell)

Strange: The entire world is about to forget that Peter Parker is Spider-Man.

NC (vo): Yeah, how good is this movie? It takes a story as terrible as One More Day and says...

Fix-It Felix (from Wreck-It Ralph): I can fix it!

Peter: So my girlfriend's just gonna forget about everything we've been through?

NC (vo): I think it's cool Peter is messing with things he shouldn't mess with, but not for selfish reasons. Everything he does in this movie, for the most part, is to help others. He's fine taking shit, but he doesn't want it to ruin his friends' futures. Even his major goal is to rehabilitate people, not just to beat them up.

Dr. Otto Octavius: (in a later scene) You could've just left us to die. Why didn't you?

MJ: 'Cause that's not who he is.

NC (vo): He's essentially a live-action Eek the Cat. He says it never hurts to help, then spends a lifetime getting hurt.

(Peter attempts to make several requests for his friends and family to still know, but Strange struggles to make those requests and keep the spell from being corrupted)

Peter: Harold "Happy" Hogan, he used to work with Tony Stark and...

(The spell quickly gets corrupted, causing the multiverse to burst open, though Strange contains the spell to stop it)

NC (vo): When he interrupts the spell, things go wrong, but Strange thinks he can contain it.

Strange: You know, after everything we've been through together, somehow, I always forget...you're just a kid.

NC: A 26-year-old kid. He's one of GQ's Men of the Year! (An image of Tom Holland on a GQ magazine is shown)

(Peter goes to a highway, where he attempts to convince an MIT administrator in a car to reconsider MJ and Ned's applications)

NC (vo): Peter tries to convince the vice president of a college to let his friends in. But he's attacked by a familiar face.

(The highway is suddenly under attack by a new foe, who turns out to be Dr. Otto Octavius/Doc Ock. The sound of an audience cheering is heard again, annoying NC)

Malcolm Morales: (holding his phone) It's the law.

(Spider-Critic is heard yelling "Frida!" as the audience cheers)

NC (vo): Like I was saying, we get Doc Ock back in the picture, played again by Alfred Molina.

Doc Ock: Hello, Peter.

NC (vo; as Doc Ock): You might be wondering why I'm 20 years older and 50 pounds lighter. The answer is, "Ooh! The Doc Ock theme!" (Hums the theme) Classic!

(Peter quickly changes into Spider-Man and engages in a fight with Ock, using his own mechanical arms to combat Ock's mechanical arms)

NC: I should point out, almost every action scene is ridiculously creative.

NC (vo): I mean, this is an eight-legged octopus man fighting an eight-legged Spider-Man. Can we just give thanks we live in a world where this is popular?

(Peter eventually gets the upper hand when one of Ock's arms grabs a piece of his nanotech Spider-Man suit, inadvertently allowing for Peter to control Ock's arms)

Computer: Pairing new device.

NC (vo): Peter uses the nanotechnology from his suit to control Doc Ock's arms, but more importantly... (Speaks in an excited tone) ...his friends are getting into college! Again, this movie is really working when I was concerned about that throughout the entire fight.

MIT Administrator: I'm gonna talk to admissions about your friends, and I'm gonna talk to them about you.

NC (vo; as the administrator): I'm gonna get you that role in the Uncharted movie. (as Peter) Oh, please don't.

(Peter is quickly teleported back to the Sanctum by Strange, who reveals he not only has Octavius in his cell, but also another enemy of Spider-Man in another cell, who is revealed to be Dr. Curt Connors in his form of the Lizard, and explains that before he could contain the corrupted spell, it summoned people from other universes who know Spider-Man's identity, including those two villains)

NC (vo): Strange finds out Octavius isn't the only new arrival, though, as he locks up both him and the Lizard.

Strange: Frankly, the multiverse is a concept about which we know frighteningly little.

NC: (as Strange) I saw Everything, Everywhere, All at Once and I couldn't follow any lick of it.

(Peter quickly gets MJ and Ned to help him find other villains)

NC (vo): This looks like a job for half the characters of Recess.

Strange: Scooby-Doo this shit!

MJ: You know, I know a couple of magic words myself, starting with the word "please".

(A Photoshopped explosion suddenly appears, and MJ is replaced with an image of Lola Bunny (whom Zendaya also voiced) from Space Jam: A New Legacy)

Lola (voiced by NC): Not cool.

(Peter, Ned, and MJ speak with an imprisoned Octavius to get some information)

NC (vo): They try to figure out where other villains from other worlds could be, leading to a joke you either love or hate.

Peter: I'm sorry. What was your name again?

Octavius: Dr. Otto Octavius.

(Peter, MJ, and Ned immediately laugh and snicker)

Peter: No, seriously, what's your actual name?

(As NC speaks, a scene from Spider-Man 2, the scene where J. Jonah Jameson names Octavius "Doc Ock", is shown)

NC (vo): On the one hand, this doesn't bother me too much, as they made fun of it in the original.

J. Jonah Jameson: Guy named Otto Octavius winds up with eight limbs. What are the odds?

(A clip from Avengers: Infinity War is shown)

NC (vo): And even Peter makes a joke about Strange's name.

Peter: I'm Peter, by the way.

Strange: Doctor Strange.

Peter: Oh, you're using our made-up names. Um, I'm Spider-Man, then.

NC: So my only gripe is, wouldn't he be used to these names by now?

NC (vo): Maybe an eye roll or something could've worked, but laughing this hard like this isn't the world you live in is a little strange.

Hoffman: Dr. Strange.

Jameson: That's pretty good.

NC: See, even that worked a little better.

(That night, Spider-Man, wearing a black suit, encounters another villain, Electro, but he is suddenly assisted by another villain, Flint Marko, who is completely in his form of the Sandman)

NC (vo): They search through the Internet and I think Onward cameos... (one of the images on Ned's phone is shown to be a female green creature) ...to discover two other visitors, Sandman and Electro. (Spider-Man and Sandman manage to take Electro down, restoring him to his normal human form as Max Dillon. The sound of an audience cheering is heard again, along with Spider-Critic yelling "Ray Charles can't see!". Clips focusing on both Sandman and the Lizard are shown) I absolutely love that Sandman helps out in this one. And despite both Thomas Haden Church and Rhys Ifans barely showing their faces, it does make a difference having their incredibly distinct voices. Knowing how crazy the planning and scheduling for this must have been, it doesn't feel like a cheat.

Max Dillon: The power...it's different.

NC (vo): Electro, played again by Jamie Foxx, you can tell they're trying to fix as a character compared to the last one, but all they get is he's a literal power-hungry villain who wants electricity. I'll give him this, his writing's still consistently awkward.

Peter: It's actually my fault that you're here.

Max: Like the universe, or the woods? I hate the woods.

NC: (mimics Max in the manner of Anakin Skywalker) It's barky and rough and irritating and it's everywhere.

(Sandman and Max are shown being imprisoned in Strange's dungeon, where the Lizard begins speaking with Max, having recognized him)

NC (vo): Strange traps them as well, and remember when I said the effects were hit-and-miss? The Lizard is the worst of that.

Lizard: Speaking of which, what happened to you? Last I recall, you had bad teeth, glasses, and a combover.

(A shot of the Lizard from The Amazing Spider-Man is briefly shown)

NC (vo): He wasn't that great an effect to begin with, but now he looks like a Super Mario Bros. movie Goomba cheese-sandwiched with the Gieco Gecko.

(Meanwhile, the last enemy of Spider-Man who had arrived in this universe, Norman Osborn/Green Goblin, is at an alley. Norman had regained control of his sanity and is attempting to cover pieces of the damaged glider, while the Goblin's voice calls to him through his mask, which is hanging on a trash bin)

Green Goblin: We have a new world to conquer.

NC (vo): Speaking of green abominations, when Willem Dafoe shows up... (The sound of an audience cheering is heard yet again, along with Spider-Critic yelling "Nemo!") ...here's my other personal biggest applaud moment.

Goblin: You can't escape yourself!

(Attempting to resist the Goblin's control over him, Norman uses a rock to smash the Goblin mask into pieces. Upon seeing that moment, NC applauds, and continues doing so as the sound of an audience cheering is heard again. Dozens of footage of Norman Osborn/Green Goblin from Spider-Man (2002) is shown as NC speaks, and eventually, footage of the Goblin in this movie is shown)

NC (vo): You know how much I hated this mask. Dafoe is a lot of fun in the first Spider-Man, but the idea of covering up this face for a character called "Green Goblin" is absolutely baffling to me. You could've given him some makeup or alter him in a way where people wouldn't recognize him, but you needed to see this face. (An image of "Weird Al" Yankovic's album "Poodle Hat" is shown with a caption revealing a lyric from the song "Ode to a Superhero", which says, "He's wearing that dumb Power Rangers mask, but he looks scarier without it on") Well, they finally listened to the Weird Al song, and they gave him clothes that not only look closer to the Goblin, but also allowed his face to match, too. Aside from one cool scene where you see a mouth within a mouth, this movie showed how much of his performance we've been missing with his face covered up. My only complaint is, I could've used to turn him green a little bit. That's the one thing Amazing Spider-Man 2 started to play with, that wasn't a bad idea. They just...botched it up. He looked like the Rat King. (An image of the Goblin from ASM2 is shown with an image of the Rat King) I'm actually curious if they had that idea, as Aunt May sticks him with something* that doesn't have an effect, so I'm almost wondering why it was even in there. Maybe it was to give him that effect, and they backed out at the last minute, I'm not sure. With that said, he's still perfectly over-the-top and clearly having a ball, but he's also legit kind of scary.

*(It's an incomplete Anti-Goblin serum that Aunt May hurriedly pulled from the fabricator in order to cure Osborn.)

Goblin: (various scenes) You are the one that killed her. / That's some neat trick. / Peter, Peter, Peter.

NC: I also give credit, he's not trying to fool Peter either.

(As day breaks, Peter enters the F.E.A.S.T. building where Aunt May works at to discover Norman is there, wanting Peter's help to cure his split personality)

NC (vo): He goes to Aunt May and legit wants help. It's only later that the Goblin takes over again. This makes the character so much more interesting and Peter's need to help him all the more relatable.

(Aunt May drives Peter and Norman to the Sanctum)

Norman Osborn: Thanks, May. Hope to see you again.

NC: (nods) I ship it. He kills her later, but that means nothing in comics.

(And we go to a commercial. When we come back, we see Peter and Strange debating over what to do with all five captured enemies of Spider-Man. While Strange aims to send them back to their own universes, Peter has realized that three of the villains all died in their universes fighting Spider-Man, and now desires to cure them of their respective villainous behaviors. Spider-Man attempts to take Strange's cube with the contained spell inside, while Strange attempts to retake it)

NC (vo): Once the villains are all caged up, Strange says he has to send them back home to die. Peter thinks there's still good in them, though, and steals the spell from Strange, who literally knocks him out of his body.

(Strange has just knocked Peter's astral form out of Spider-Man's body, but Spider-Man's body somehow still prevents Strange from grabbing the cube)

Peter: What?

Strange: How are you doing that?

NC: (chuckles) Neat. Although that raises a good question: how is he doing that?

NC (vo): The theory is it's his Spider sense taking over. That's a bit of a stretch, but I guess I'd buy it. Either way, it doesn't matter, though, 'cause the film never tells us.

Malcolm Morales: No, no. That's a spider thing. You remove its soul and it still has good reflexes.

Tamtavious: Watch. We'll show you with this spider here.

(She uses a power to remove a spider's soul from its body)

Malcolm Morales: Here we go. (Attempts to crush the spider's body, expecting it to dodge his attack, and...ends up crushing the body and killing the spider, proving his theory completely incorrect) Oh...maybe not.

Tamtavious: Sorry, buddy. (Flicks the spider's soul away)

(Malcolm and Tamara are shown sitting next to the alternate group)

Malcolm: We're still here, by the way.

(Spider-Man and Doctor Strange's fight over the cube soon sees them taking their battle inside the Mirror Dimension)

NC (vo): And for no extra charge, we're given a really awesome Doctor Strange battle.

Spider-Man: We can't send them home to die!

Strange: It's their fate.

NC (vo): This scene made me realize Strange wasn't just a throwaway cameo like in Thor: Ragnarok, where he just transports a character. He easily could've been written out. There's different ideologies being fought for here, with Strange not wanting to mess with fate anymore, and Peter wanting to do the right thing, and it does end up changing them.

NC: Don't believe me? This is Strange the first time he's gonna erase Spider-Man.

Strange: (in an earlier scene) Nice knowing you, Spider-Man.

NC: This is him doing the same thing, but after Peter challenges the way he perceives things.

Strange: (in a later scene, speaking in a conflicted, sad tone) Everyone who knows and loves you, we...we'd have no memory of you.

NC (vo): He goes through an arc, and it's nice he isn't just here because he's a face you recognize. Also, Peter using math to figure this world out is both clever and surprisingly believable. I'm actually amazed at how smart this solution is.

Spider-Man: The Mirror Dimension is just geometry. You're great at geometry. You square the radius, divided by pi. (Uses his webs to leave Strange hanging, unable to move or do anything as Spider-Man manages to retake the cube from him)

NC: See? So in the likely circumstance you're trapped in-between worlds and fighting a magical realm wizard, geometry was finally essential to learn in school.

(Spider-Man returns to the Sanctum, leaving Strange trapped in the Mirror Dimension)

NC (vo): He traps Strange in his own world, maybe for a little too long. What's the amount of time he was there?

Strange: (in a later scene) I've been dangling over the Grand Canyon for 12 hours!

NC: What? Did you have lunch with the Midnight Gospel?

NC (vo): And Peter decides to do his best to rehabilitate the villains.

Peter: (speaking to all the imprisoned villains) Look, our technology is advanced...

Norman: I can help you. You know, I'm something of a scientist myself.

NC: Do you think that's your catchphrase? Why do you think that's your catchphrase?

NC (vo): I really shouldn't be too picky, seeing how so much of this movie works better than I would've thought possible. With that said, man, this is a lame way to write out a character.

(Peter, along with Aunt May, brings all the villains into Happy Hogan's apartment, except for the Lizard)

Peter: Where's Connors?

Aunt May: He told me he wanted to stay in the truck.

Peter: Okay.

NC: (shrugs) No cure for him, then.

NC (vo): Peter's mouth wasn't even moving when he said that line!

NC: (imitating Tommy Wiseau while his line is badly dubbed over) Let's go eat, huh?

(The Lizard is shown waiting in the back of Aunt May's truck)

NC (vo): But it's cool. They randomly cut back to a truck shaking to show, "Oh, yeah. We didn't have to edit that in at the last minute. That was always in the script." Maybe they just got tired looking at his Teenage Mutant Audrey II Face.

(Having learned about Octavius's cause for his villainy, Peter creates a new inhibitor chip for him)

Doc Ock: When I get out of this, we're gonna rip you a new...

(Peter puts the chip on his missing spot, soon returning Octavius to the good man he once was before his old chip was destroyed and allowing the arms to take control of his mind. Peter also works on developing cures for Max and Norman, who also assists Peter)

NC (vo): For a while, Peter seems to legit help them out, as he reprograms Doc Ock's chip, gives Electro a stabilizer, and even Norman helps out.

Norman: When all this is over, if you need a job and you're willing to commute to another universe...

NC: And I have to say, all these actors are bringing their A-game.

NC (vo): Not one of them feels like they're half-assing it. (That night, things go sour when the Goblin suddenly regains control over Norman's body, shortly after hearing Octavius comment that when Norman is cured, there will be "no more darker half") With that said, though, the Goblin does take Norman over and convinces everyone pretty quickly that evil is cool and...

Dark Helmet (from Spaceballs): Good is dumb.

Goblin: These are not curses, they're gifts. Gods don't have to choose.

NC: Most of them I can buy, except for Sandman.

(Sandman is shown fleeing the scene as the situation gets more intense)

NC (vo): His turn makes no sense. What the hell does he have to be evil about? All he's done is help out and, what? We're supposed to think he's like, "Ha-ha! Off to save my daughter, which I may or may not have already done!" What is he doing?

(As all the other villains flee the scene, the Goblin engages Peter in a vicious fight, with May unsuccessfully attempting to help)

Peter: May, run, please.

(The Goblin's new glider suddenly bursts in and hits May, grievously wounding her. The Goblin gets on his glider and escapes, as Peter attempts to take a hurt May out of the apartment while beginning to show regret over trying to help the villains, to which May attempts to remind him he did the right thing)

NC (vo): May tries to stop them, but gets killed by the Goblin. I have to admit, I like that she dies doing something noble and isn't just a bystander.

Aunt May: (to Peter) And with great power, there must also come great responsibility.

(Shortly after saying that line, May suddenly collapses to the ground, and eventually ends up dying in Peter's arms)

NC (vo): So on top of this scene playing out really well, despite her saying what you've heard a million times, despite her clearly replacing Uncle Ben, despite you could argue Tony was the Uncle Ben role in this universe, they changed with the lore in a way that's backwards, but does ultimately add up.

NC: One of my pet peeves with the other Holland films was that there was no sense of purpose.

(Clips from Homecoming and Far From Home are shown)

NC (vo): I didn't want to see Uncle Ben die again, but if you show me those two movies without me having any knowledge of Spider-Man, said "This is one of the greatest heroes ever", I wouldn't know what you were talking about. It'd just be a kid trying to be a hero done well, but done in a million other stories. But whether intentionally or unintentionally, they made Parker someone who just wanted to do good and, overtime, gain that purpose, gain that sacrifice. It's also done after we've gotten two movies to really know him and his friends, so it feels a lot more personal.

(At Ned's grandmother's house, Ned and MJ, having learned what happened and trying to figure out what to do next, suddenly discovers that Ned, who is wearing one of Strange's rings, can actually summon a portal)

Ned: I just wish we could see Peter.

(A portal opens, revealing Spider-Man outside at an alley)

NC (vo): Speaking of which, Ned tries to help, using one of Doctor Strange's rings, resulting in...

(Spider-Man runs through the portal and into the house, and takes off his mask, revealing himself to be Andrew Garfield's Peter Parker from the Amazing Spider-Man films. Another loud audience cheer is heard, and Spider-Critic is once again heard yelling, "KICK ODIE!!")

NC: A lot of people say this film was redemption for Andrew Garfield, but you're wrong. Garfield was always great.

(A shot of Peter-2 shrugging is shown with the caption "Blow me!" and a "Ta-da" sound effect being heard. Ned soon opens another portal, and out steps Tobey Maguire's Peter Parker from Sam Raimi's trilogy. Once more, the sound of the audience cheering is heard, and Spider-Critic is heard yelling, "Molly's Game!")

NC (vo): Tobey Maguire arrives, and now all cinematic Spider-Mans are in this movie, and while, to many, this wasn't that big a surprise...

NC: ...I think everyone was impressed with just how much of them were in this movie.

NC (vo): I was assuming they'd be in the climax or maybe a little cameo at the end where they help out, but they're here for most of the third act, and they do everything you want to see these three do...except one thing. (The famous "three Spider-Men pointing at each other" image is shown, before we are shown an image of the three Spider-Man actors reenacting the image) No, they did it behind the scenes! This movie's great!

Peter-2 (Tobey Maguire): (to MJ and Ned) I've been trying to find your friend ever since I got here. I just have this sense that he needs my help.

Peter-3 (Andrew Garfield): Our help.

NC: Uh, if anything, your franchises need his help. (Posters of Spider-Man 3 and The Amazing Spider-Man 2 are shown)

(MJ and Ned find their Peter sulking at a rooftop where they used to hang out during their final year of high school, and Peter breaks down as his friends embrace him. Soon after, Peter meets his two alternative selves, who reveal their own experiences of losing their loved ones; Maguire's Peter losing Uncle Ben, and Garfield's Peter losing Gwen Stacy)

NC (vo): This movie is smart to let the friends meet up and cry about losing Aunt May. Most movies would rush into getting all the Spider-Mans together, but a scene like this shows they do care about the characters first. And when they do meet up, this whole scene feels like a love letter to all the themes and ideas that have carried through Spider-Man.

Peter-2: My Uncle Ben was killed. It was my fault.

NC: (mimics Peter; snickers) Uncle Ben, like the rice? We do that here. (An image of Peter laughing at Dr. Octavius is shown)

NC (vo): It is pretty funny when Peter asks if their versions of Uncle Ben said "With great power comes great responsibility". Garfield almost has to think, "Is that what that overwritten line was trying to say?"

Peter: She told me that with great power...

Peter-2: Comes great responsibility.

Peter: What? How do you know that?

(A shot of Garfield's Peter's reaction to the line being heard is shown as the scene of him being told the line by his Uncle Ben from The Amazing Spider-Man is also shown as jaunty music is heard in the background)

Ben Parker: If you could do good things for other people, you had a moral obligation to do those things. Not choice; responsibility.

Peter-3: Uncle Ben said it.

NC: (as Garfield's Peter) Sounds like your version was a little tighter, could fit on a T-shirt, but same idea.

(Peter is convinced to fight in May's honor, and the three Peters unite to develop cures for the four remaining villains. They eventually lure Electro, Sandman, and the Lizard to the Statue of Liberty, which is currently being renovated to include Captain America's shield, and all three Spider-Men fight them in a huge battle)

NC (vo): They science up and figure out ways to zap the villains back to normal and tell them to meet at the Statue of...Captain America. All the villains show up, and while they all still have great chemistry, this is surprisingly kind of a lame climax. Of course it's awesome to see the three Spider-Men swinging around, but it's a pretty ugly-looking finale. It's murky, it's dark, it looks like they smeared a fart through the lens somehow. Even the statue has a look like... (Mimics a bored-sounding woman) "X-Men did it, and even then, it was pretty meh." (All the Spider-Men eventually cure all three villains, restoring Sandman and Lizard to their human forms, and Dr. Octavius arriving to assist them in curing Electro by injecting the stabilizer onto his chest) They do get the villains back to normal, though, leading to this obvious but still kind of funny line.

Max: (speaking peacefully with Garfield's Peter) I just thought you was going to be black.

Peter-3: Aw, man, I'm sorry.

Max: Oh, don't apologize. There's gotta be a black Spider-Man somewhere out there.

NC: Well, and like a black property, the white property is constantly taking ideas from it. (Posters of Into the Spider-Verse and this film are shown)

(Doctor Strange soon returns, but so does the Goblin, who uses his bombs to destroy Strange's cube and unleash the corrupted spell around the area. In the chaos, MJ falls from a large height as Peter attempts to dive down and save her, only for the Goblin to snatch him away)

NC (vo): If you're like me, you thought this "death of girlfriend" moment was gonna be some Into Darkness bullshit, but somehow, it went from worst scene to best scene in a millisecond.

(Garfield's Peter ultimately dives down and manages to save MJ from falling, managing to do what he couldn't do with Gwen)

Peter-3: Are you okay?

MJ: Yeah. (Peter-3 slowly begins to break down, finally having achieved spiritual redemption) Are you okay?

(Peter-3 looks at MJ and nods yes while giving a small smile)

NC: Hell with Tick...Tick...Boom. That one face should've gotten him an Oscar!

(Peter ultimately uses a bomb to destroy the Goblin's glider, and he faces off against the Goblin in a vicious fight, intending to kill him)

NC (vo): It's time to take on the Goblin, though, as, again, to the film's credit, it remembers this is Holland's movie, and it gives him an arc about being pushed to the edge, trying to get revenge.

(Peter gets the upper hand and attempts to use the damaged glider to stab the Goblin, only for Peter (Maguire) to appear and stop him from delivering the killing blow)

NC: So while there's things animation can do that live-action can't, there are things live-action can do that animation can't. This is an example.

NC (vo): This image has to be Tom Holland, Willem Dafoe, and Tobey Maguire. It's only powerful because it's these actors right there with years of history behind them. There's not even a line here, because it's not needed. It's all in their looks.

NC: I'm not saying animation or live-action is better, they're just different, and a good art form should lean into what makes it different.

(Peter eventually strikes the cure on Norman's neck, destroying the Goblin and restoring Norman to normal. At the same time, the multiverse has cracked open, with dozens of people who know Spider-Man's identity starting to break through, and the first forgetting spell doing nothing to stop it. Peter realizes that the only way to protect the multiverse is to erase himself from everyone's memory and requests that Doctor Strange do so)

NC (vo): Goblin is turned back to normal, but Strange says the multiverse is out of control, and he has to make the world forget who Spider-Man is to set it back to normal.

(Peter says his goodbyes to MJ and Ned, who will soon forget about him)

Peter: I...

MJ: Just wait. Wait and tell me when you see me again.

(Strange casts the spell, erasing everyone's memory of Peter Parker, but fixing the multiverse and sending the two Spider-Men and their former enemies back to their own universes)

NC (vo): I usually hate these setups, because it feels regressive and like things aren't moving forward, but...

NC: ...seeing how this series is already backwards and they turn it into something great, I am curious what they're gonna do with it.

(Two weeks later, Peter visits MJ and Ned to reintroduce himself, but he decides against it, and while living in a new apartment on his own, he is inspired to carry on, making a new suit and resuming his duties as Spider-Man)

NC (vo): We haven't had Peter all on his own in this series yet, with no friends or expensive gadgets. That was a pretty big part of the comics for a while, and I wouldn't mind seeing how they handle it. Also, again, the acting is really stellar and everything builds up to this choice of him leaving the ones he loves so that they could live normal lives.

Man: Rent is due in the first of the month. Don't be late.

NC (vo; as Peter): You'll get your rent when you fix this damn door! (The poster for Spider-Man 3 is shown) Oh, next one, next one.

(Meanwhile, at a bar, former reporter Eddie Brock, who is bonded with the symbiote known as Venom, is speaking with the bar's owner about the events of the MCU, only to suddenly get transported back to his own universe)

NC (vo): Oh, I'm not kidding. As the after-credits sequence shows what I thought would be a big upset with Tom Hardy as Venom getting zapped back to his reality, I thought people were gonna freak because they were really building this up in the last Venom movie, but maybe folks realize we really didn't want to see these particular movies together.

Owner: Sir, you have to pay the bill.

(Eddie suddenly starts to get transported back to his universe)

Venom: What is happening?! No!

NC (vo; as Eddie): Hey, at least I technically made this a Sinister Six movie!

(Eddie and Venom are soon gone, though a little bit of the symbiote is left behind)

NC: And that was, in my opinion, the best live-action Spider-Man movie.

(Footage of the film plays as NC gives his final thought)

NC (vo): It's like it took all the little problems that added up in the other films and almost completely fixed them. Okay, it's not 100% the comic, but it not only somehow made the other films more like the comics, but it got the soul and character down in an almost totally backwards way. Getting us to relate to these people for two movies, playing the long game, and having us warm up to them really leaned hard into the whole "friendly neighborhood Spider-Man" feel. I really love watching Tom Holland grow up as Peter. Yes, he was, like, 20 when these started, but it's actually kind of eerie how much he's looking like Parker growing up. Much like Spider-Verse, this isn't how I would imagine the best Spider-Man movie, but that's also what I really like about it. It is different, while also paying homage to everything we love about this series. Where Spider-Verse did everything that could be done with that idea in animation, No Way Home did everything that it could with this idea in live-action, at least in a way that, for the most part, balanced out. I really don't think it would've worked if these guys were brought in, too. (Images of Harry Osborn from both versions and Venom from Spider-Man 3 are shown) Both this and Spider-Verse are movies that, on paper, shouldn't work. But because of great skill, clever thinking, and a clear love and understanding for the material, they show their strengths in both their similarities and their differences.

(NC notices the punch sound, the three alternate versions approach NC's door once again...)

Tamtavious: Of course, pushing really hard! And that's a tour's weakness!

Malcolm Morales: Okay, Critic, we're gonna--

NC: It's all good. I do review and now everything is fine.

Malcolm Morales: Oh. Is-- Is that how things work around here?

NC: Pretty much, yeah.

Malcolm Morales: Huh. Well, I've learned that you really can't--

NC: We know.

Malcolm Morales: Oh.

NC: But I think I've learned that you can never--

Tamtavious: We know.

NC: Oh, I guess you can show yourself out then.

Tamtavious: You got it.

Spider-Critic: See, how is Gilbert Gottfried here in our universe? He's working on a new version of the Aristocrats joke with Bob Saget and Norm McDonald to make some good people laugh.

NC: The same.

Spider-Critic: Hmm... Good to know.

(Malcolm Morales, Spider-Critic and Tamtamious all leave)

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remem--

Tamara: So, did you just hire us because you saw us in a parallel universe?

NC: No, I made you in a lab.

Malcolm: Oh, good. (as he and Tamara leaves and comes back...) Wait--

(cut to black)

Channel Awesome tagline: Max: I hate the woods.

(the credits roll)

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