March 4, 2020
(The Channel Awesome logo is shown. Then we cut to an interesting opening which parodies the opening titles for the old Spider-Man cartoon show of the 1960s. IN COLOR (according to a helpful message in color, naturally), it's SPIDER-MONTH! NC is shown, wearing Spider-Man's outfit (but not his mask) as he swings around the city and spreads webs around)
NC (vo; singing):
- ♫ Spider-Month, Spider-Month ♫
- ♫ Does whatever a spider doth ♫
- ♫ Spins a web any size ♫
- ♫ No, he can't, he's a pig ♫
(A shot of Baby Yoda appears for a split second)
NC (vo; singing): ♫ Sorry, we're not that good at rhymes. ♫
(After that intro, NC walks into his room, but stops abruptly when he spots Hyper Fangirl lying on his desk, wearing a long red dress over her orange sweater, a crown on her head, earrings, long pearl necklace and lipstick. She holds a wine glass in one hand and a cigarette in a holder on the other. Benny the Assassin stands behind her, also holding a wine glass)
NC: Hyper? Benny? I thought I told you to get ready for Spider-Month.
HFG: (posh accent) Oh, we are, darling.
NC: Awesome! (turns to leave, but then stops abruptly) ...I think? Wait, I thought you guys loved the Raimi movies.
(Shots of NC's past videos on the Sam Raimi-directed Spider-Man movies are shown)
NC (vo): I mean, I've made fun of them for years, but you two have always defended them.
NC: That's one of the reasons I brought you in: to get a different point of view.
HFG: Oh, that's when we were children, darling; little babies. Ohh!
Benny: Yeah, we've grown a lot since then.
HFG: As you can tell by our grow-upping demeanor.
NC: Oh, really? So now you see them as silly movies?
HFG: Of course, darling! The Raimi films are ridiculous!
Benny: Laughably ridiculous.
NC: That's so funny! I've been saying that for years, and everybody's been looking at me like I was crazy!
HFG: They are awful, simply the worst kind of awful.
NC: Well, I...don't know if I'd go that far.
HFG: As well as... (Cut to another collage of movie posters, this one for more recent comic book movies in general: Logan, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, Wonder Woman, Joker, Thor: Ragnarok, and Shazam!) ...real comic book movies in general.
Benny: We've been enlightened with age. Now we see them for the shit that they really are.
NC: Well, I wouldn't call them shit.
HFG: What are you talking about? You've mocked them more than anyone, darling.
NC: I know, but... (hesitates slightly) I guess I've always had a bit of a soft spot for them.
HFG: GASP! Are you saying you actually like those baby movies?
NC: Yes. I mean, no! I mean...I don't know! Compared to the millions of other comic book movies we have now, they are kind of unique.
Benny: Looks like he's one of those man-children that can't let go of his happy memories. (HFG laughs)
NC: Hey, there is good money to be made with that! I mean, I was telling you guys these movies were silly!
HFG: You obviously haven't matured like we have. (NC blinks his eyes in surprise)
Benny: Come, dear, let us venture to where the adults are.
(They both leave, walking in an exaggeratedly uppity way, with their noses turned up, as they do)
NC: (calling out to them) Joke's on you; you're on the Internet, a mental fountain of youth! Nobody grows up here! (Grunting in frustration, NC sits down in his chair) Am I really gonna end up defending these movies? (shakes head)
(The poster for the first Spider-Man movie is shown, as well as the poster for The Amazing Spider-Man)
NC (vo): There's an interesting backlash that's been going on with the Sam Raimi films, as well as the Marc Webb films. In honor of Spider-Month, we're gonna look at both of these series, but for now...
(Cut to footage of the Raimi Spider-Man series)
NC (vo): ...let's start with the Sam Raimi movies. In the past, they were mostly well-received, gaining praise from critics and audiences and even hailed as trailblazing groundbreakers. With the release of even bigger fan favorites, though, like (Posters for newer Spider-Man movies are superimposed: Homecoming and Far From Home) the MCU Spider-Man films and even (The poster for Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse is superimposed) the Oscar-winning Into the Spider-Verse, many are looking back at these and seeing them as, well, corny. It's a Norman Rockwell type of superhero: light, goofy, and living in a romanticized universe.
(A clip of Spider-Man 2 is shown)
Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire): (to a young boy and girl) No playing in the streets.
Kids: (in unison) Yes, Mr. Spider-Man.
NC (vo): Don't get me wrong, (Posters for the first two Superman movies is superimposed) the first two Superman movies do the same thing, and they're hailed as some of the best comic book films ever made. But...how do I put this? If Superman is the... (Cut to a shot of Rockwell's "Murder In Mississippi" paining, along with shots of the first two Superman movies in the upper-left and right corners) "Murder In Mississippi" of Norman Rockwell's works... (Cut to a shot of Rockwell's "After the Prom" painting, along with shots of the Raimi Spider-Man movies along the bottom of the screen) ...Spider-Man is the "After the Prom" of Norman Rockwell's work. (Further shots of the Superman movies are shown) The Supermans could get really intense, morally difficult, and epically powerful. Kids could watch them, but they were mostly for adults. (Now cut back to footage of the Spider-Man movies) The Spider-Mans were occasionally emotional, but lean more towards nonthreatening imagery and ideas. I still have no idea... (Cut to a shot of the Spider-Man movie poster) ...why this movie is PG-13.
(Cut to a shot of Norman Osborn (Willem Dafoe) grinning creepily at Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst))
NC (vo): Was it this look? (MJ looks away as NC speaks exaggeratedly) Cover your children's eyes!
(Cut to some shots of Spider-Man comics)
NC (vo): The Spider-Man comics could be goofy, too, but they didn't shy away from dark choices and heavy themes, treated with as much seriousness as possible. (Cut back to the movies) These...
Green Goblin: (to Spider-Man) Are you in, or are you out?
Spider-Man: It's you who's out, Gobby – out of your mind!
NC (vo): ...do seem to be more kid-focused, don't they? But with all that said, this is a very unique universe I don't see much in comic book movies. There's tons of films like Batman, there's tons of films like Iron Man, but with Spider-Man, nobody really talks like they talk here, nobody really acts like how these characters act, nobody lives in such a friendly yet odd environment. It's like if Pleasantville had pumpkin bombs, right down to Tobey Maguire's in both of them.
NC: But the question remains, does that make these good films or bad films?
(He is interrupted by HFG laughing at him. He looks up to see HFG and Benny peering in through the door)
HFG: Like you even have to ask, darling!
NC: (frustrated) You know, I think I can handle this without you (makes "finger quotes") "adults", so piss off!
Benny: (to HFG) Come, darling. Let us snort our way out of here. (They both leave, snorting exaggeratedly)
NC: (sighs) The best way to figure this out is to look at all the films in order, beginning with the original Spider-Man.
(The title for Spider-Man is shown, followed by footage of the movie)
NC (vo): In production hell for years, Spider-Man was handed from creator to creator, trying to bring it to the big screen, with one of the biggest names being James Cameron. But like most things he holds off on, (The poster for Alita: Battle Angel is superimposed) he just kinda gave it to someone else. After proving he can make continuous good movies with a strange, dark edge to them, Sam Raimi was finally given the reins for the project, being a gigantic Spider-Man fan himself. Now, keep in mind, comic book movies were mostly seen as box office poison at the time, so this was a bit of a risk. However, there was a holy trinity in the late '90s and early 2000s that changed people's minds: (Posters of the following are superimposed, in order...) Blade, X-Men, and this. This, very clearly, was the biggest hit out of all of them, and many claim got the ball rolling for comic book movies to be the cinematic empire they are now. So this film is owed a lot of thanks. But, as we ask before, does it still hold up 18 years after it came out? And can the people who grew up with it still find appreciation in its...bizarreness?
NC: (sighs) Well, I imagine that might be harder for some (looks up to door in annoyance) than others.
(He is staring at HFG and Benny, who have returned and are peering at him through the door again. They again snort exaggeratedly and leave)
NC: This is... (Again, HFG and Benny return, and again, they leave with a snort, HFG dropping her crown as she does) ...Spider-Man.
NC (vo): After the opening credits to the Spider-Man video game...no, really, tell me you couldn't see this in there.
(Footage of the Spider-Man 3 PC game is shown)
Scientist: Help! Please! (Spider-Man crashes into the ground) I'm going to die!
(The building blows up, killing the scientist. Cut back to the movie)
NC (vo): ...we get a narration from Peter Parker, played with mild interest by Tobey Maguire
Peter Parker: (narrating) Who am I? You sure you want to know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart.
NC: Let it be known, the third line of this movie has...
NC (vo): ..."faint of heart" used unironically.
NC: If you're really surprised by anything awkward that follows, you can't say they didn't warn you.
(Peter Parker is first shown getting on the bus after running after it and attempting to find a spot)
NC (vo): We see Parker chasing the school bus, as it appears he's so geeky, even geeks won't let him sit next to them.
Liz Allan (Sally Livingstone): (hogging the bus seat) Don't even think about it.
NC (vo): God, it's like a POV cam from when I was in high school.
NC: I mean, ummm... (An image of a handsome man with NC's head edited on is shown in the corner) Let's look at my yearbook picture again.
(On a school trip, Peter visits a Columbia University genetics laboratory with his friend Harry Osborn and his crush Mary Jane Watson)
NC (vo): They go on a field trip with a pretty fucking weird teacher, even as these movies go.
(A montage of clips is shown of the teacher in question (played by Shan Omar Huey))
Teacher: (to Harry, who was talking to Mary Jane) You were talking throughout that woman's entire presentation... / What is going on? / Let's go talk about how we listen... / The next person who talks will fail this course, I kid you not.
NC: (as this teacher) Daniel, how many times have I told you? Students can't teach the class!
NC (vo): Peter's best friend, Harry, played by James Franco, is dropped off by his controlling father Norman Osborn, played by Willem Dafoe playing Christopher Walken.
(Another clip montage is shown, this one of Norman Osborn)
Norman Osborn: Somebody there? / Who is this? / I can't... / Why? / I started this... / I'll make a few calls...
NC: How come I never see... (A shot of Norman is shown, along with an image of Christopher Walken in the corner) ...these two in the same room? Goblin, shmoblin! This is the real... (Another shot of Walken is shown with Norman Osborn) ...villain alter-ego story! I just don't know who's supposed to be the villain and who's supposed to be the normal one.
(Norman is shown meeting Peter for the first time)
Norman: Your parents must be very proud.
Harry: (to Peter) I think he wants to adopt you.
NC (vo): They're taken to a lab where genetically-designed super spiders...and, yes, that is the scientific term.
Lab Tour Guide (Una Damon): Genetically-designed super spiders.
NC: (as the lab tour guide) We try to name our species by what looks good on a B-movie poster. (Poster for a made-up B-movie (Genetically Enhanced Super Spiders) is shown in the corner)
NC (vo): ...as Peter continues to be picked on.
Peter: For the school paper?
Lab Tour Guide: Mm-hmm.
(As Peter takes a picture, one of the other kids bumps into him, moving the focus away from the spiders and instead accidentally taking a picture of the spiders' den in a hollowed-out log)
NC (vo; as Peter): Well, that'll help me in my articles on logs. (normal) Peter tries hitting on Mary Jane, played by Kirsten Dunst, asking if he can take her picture.
Peter: I need one with a student in it.
Mary Jane: Don't make me look ugly.
Peter: That's impossible.
NC: Now, for a long time, I didn't really get what Mary Jane was about, as she was just sort of written as...nice.
NC (vo): I think Dunst had the same issue because she looks like she has no idea what to do with this character aside from being...nice.
(Cut to shots of a Spider-Man comic which has Mary Jane prominently displayed in it)
NC (vo): When I read more Spider-Man comics, though, I found she's supposed to be more of an energized extrovert. (A montage of the following characters is shown that Mary Jane is compared to) Kind of like Rogue from X-Men, or Andrea Beaumont from Mask of the Phantasm, or, honestly, Kirsten Dunst from Eternal Sunshine from the Spotless Mind. So she can clearly play this role of someone that has a tough life, but put the energy into being super active and positive.
(Cut back to Spider-Man)
NC (vo): Here, we got the tough life part down, but every scene, it looks like she's praying, nay, pleading for direction about what her character is supposed to be, as she's running out of ways of just being...nice!
(A clip montage is shown, this one of Mary Jane)
Mary Jane: Harry, relax... / You'll think I'm a stupid little girl with a crush. / I'd like a cheeseburger. / No, I guess not. / You are...amazing. / I'm in love with something else. / I want to...act.
NC (vo; as Mary Jane): Somebody...please! There's only so long I can smile like a sitcom wife who's dead inside! (normal) While taking her picture, Peter gets bitten by an escaped spider.
(The DNA of the spider is displayed on a computer screen. We cut to a clip of Judge Dredd)
Judge Hershey (Diane Lane): Subtle.
Judge Dredd (Sylvester Stallone): Mm-hmm.
(Cut back to Spider-Man, as we are shown the Oscorp factory)
NC (vo): Meanwhile at Oscorp, Norman is showing the military his new glider technology...
(The glider is shown, along with a dummy wearing the Goblin costume)
NC: (stunned) ...complete with...
(As the scene is replayed, a shot of Krang (of Ninja Turtles fame) in a new body is shown off to the side)
NC (vo): ...Krang's body. But it's Oscorp's other experiments that pique the military's interest.
Dr. Mendell Stromm: Human performance enhancers. We tried vapor inhalation with rodent subjects.
General Slocum: What were the side effects?
Dr. Mendell Stromm: Violence, aggression and insanity.
NC: Okay, screw the rest of the movie. I want to see what an insane mouse looks like.
NC (vo): Does it do cartwheels? Does it eat its own hand? Why watch these goofballs when we could be seeing this the whole time?
(Cut to a clip of NC's review of The Purge, showing Pinky and the Brain there)
Brain (Maurice LaMarche): You are the syphilis to everything I've worked so hard for, you miserable, poisonous sack of disease!
Pinky (Rob Paulsen): But, Brain–
Brain: Shut it, bitch!
(Cut back to the movie)
NC (vo): The military tells Oscorp if they can't produce successful human trials or...non-crazy rats, they're going to give funding to another company. Meanwhile, Peter makes it home to his Aunt May and Uncle Ben, feelings the effects of the spider bite.
Aunt May (Rosemary Harris): You won't have a bite?
Peter: No, thanks, had a bite. (Walks upstairs to his bedroom)
Uncle Ben (Cliff Robertson): What's that all about?
NC (vo; as Aunt May): Maybe our wallpapers making him sick again. Why did we go with VeggieTales funeral? (Speaks normally) Peter begins to transform as that seems to be the pattern tonight, with Norman using himself as the human trial.
(Meanwhile, at Oscorp, Norman continues work on his performance-enhancing chemical)
Norman Osborn: We'll have lost the contract to Quest and Oscorp will be dead. Get me the Promachloraperazine.
NC (vo; as Norman): We will perfect the ultimate mouthwash.
(Norman drinks the Promachloraperazine and throws the bottle on the floor)
(Upon testing the chemical out, Norman suddenly goes insane and kills his assistant. Meanwhile, the next morning, Peter wakes up to find he is no longer near-sighted and his body has metamorphosized into a more muscular physique)
NC (vo): He's exposed to all his farts from The Lighthouse, causing him to go insane, killing his partner. Meanwhile, Peter, through spider-science, seems to wake up cool. (He looks out his window to spot Mary Jane getting dressed) Oh, creepy boy with his room window staring right at his high school crush. (The earlier scene of his finger getting hairy from the spider bite is shown in the corner) I think those hands were hairy and wet long before that spider ever bit him.
Ben: (to Peter, who is about to leave for school) Hey, Michaelangelo, don't forget, we're painting the kitchen right after school. Got it?
Peter: Don't start without me.
Ben: And don't start up with me.
NC: (as Ben; sighs) I don't have a prayer to survive this film, do I? (as May) No, dear.
NC (vo): At school, Peter discovers he has amazing abilities, and Mary Jane discovers she can't even have lunch without having to be rescued.
(Mary Jane is walking across the school cafeteria with a tray full of food, but she slips on some spilled apple juice and she starts to fall. But Peter catches her with one hand and her food with the other. She is impressed)
NC (vo): Now, apparently, this wasn't CGI and it took 156 takes to finally get this right.
NC: But I don't know, if that were true, I think the reaction would be less than this...
Mary Jane: Wow!
NC: ...and more this...
(The scene is replayed, but with cartoon eyes looking upset superimposed over their real eyes, while NC makes gasping-for-breath noises on their behalf. As Mary Jane, he makes crying sounds, possibly from the food spilling)
NC (vo; as Peter): That was pure luck. I was not in control of that situation at all.
(Cut back to Spider-Man)
NC (vo): He continues to go through spider-puberty, as he can't talk to girls, white goo spews out of him, and things get messy without having any control.
(As a bully, Flash, tries to rush him, Peter easily somersaults through the air, high over the bully. Then Peter defeats Flash with a single punch, and Flash ends up with food all over his face. Then we cut to a clip of America's Funniest Home Videos)
Bob Saget: Ah, kids. If you're gonna have children, they're the best kind to have.
(Peter is shown leaving school and slowly discovering his ability to climb walls)
NC (vo): Peter leaves school and discovers even more abilities on the rooftops.
(Peter, whooping with delight, takes flying leaps through the air, lands on rooftops and leaps again)
NC: To those wondering if these hideous effects looked good back then, Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers...
(The scene is replayed, with the poster for LOTR: The Two Towers displayed in the corner)
NC (vo): ...came out the exact same year.
(A quick montage is shown of the movie's special effects)
NC (vo): But don't worry, as the film goes on, they get...THESE EFFECTS WERE AWFUL!
(As Peter stands on the ledge of a rooftop, he tries to shoot out his new web)
Peter: (throwing out his arm) Up, up and away, web! (Nothing happens)
NC (vo): Peter tries summoning his web again, but can't seem to recreate it.
Peter: (throwing out his arm repeatedly) Fly! Shazam! Go, web, go!
NC (vo; as Peter): Maybe if I think of banging Mary Jane– (Finally, Peter does manage to release some web) There we go!
(He then produces some web to swing across, only to hit a wall with a mural of a woman in a car painted on it)
NC (vo): I like where he lands on the ad similar to how a bug will land on a windshield, but the fun stops when he realizes he forgot to get home in time to paint the kitchen.
(As he notices that Uncle Ben and Aunt May are gone, Peter reads a note saying that meatloaf and veggies are in the oven. Then he hears the sound of a man yelling)
NC (vo; as Peter): Uncle Ben's drunk again. (The noise is coming from Mary Jane's house) Oh.
(Peter goes outside to the backyard just as MJ comes out her backyard as well)
NC (vo): It looks like Mary Jane's father is yelling at her, which might be why this awkward romantic scene comes across like two six-year-olds acting in a school play.
Peter: You can just...see what's coming.
Mary Jane: And what for me?
Peter: You're gonna light up Broadway.
Mary Jane: You're taller than you look.
Peter: I hunch.
Mary Jane: Don't.
(We cut to a skit involving a writer, played by Malcolm, typing a film script on a computer)
Writer's wife (Tamara): Honey, what are you doing?
Writer: I'm writing the Spider-Man movie.
Writer's wife: Well, stop hunching over. You're gonna ruin your posture.
Writer: Just let me work! Great, I wrote that into the script!
Writer's wife: Who cares? Nobody's gonna listen to the romance in Spider-Man! Put whatever you want as long as there's nice music.
Writer: I guess that's true. I'm gonna go back to helping George Lucas write the Star Wars prequels.
Writer's wife: Hey! How many times have I told you not to track sand in the house?! It's coarse, rough and it gets everywhere!
(Cut back to Spider-Man)
NC (vo): Peter decides to look for ways to get money to buy a car to impress Mary Jane. He notices an ad for amateur wrestlers...
NC: Because the paper's printing Craigslist now!
(Uncle Ben drives Peter to the library, but before Peter leaves, Uncle Ben tries to give him some advice)
NC (vo): ...and he asks Uncle Ben if he can drop him off, saying he's gonna study at the library. Now, we all know this scene: Uncle Ben says, "With great power," yadda-yadda-yadda, Peter blows him off, and he's gonna regret it. But honestly, I would have liked a little more friction between them as Peter kind of bites his head off out of nowhere. It's not like there was a falling-out between them earlier on; he just kind of acts mean for the sake of acting mean.
Peter: (sharply) I'll figure it out. Stop lecturing me, please.
Ben: I know I'm not your father...
Peter: Then stop pretending to be!
NC (vo; as Peter): Or at least tell me where my father is! (as Ben) Never. He knows what he did, even if I forgot. (as Peter) Goddamn you, Uncle Ben!
(Peter arrives at the wrestling area, witnessing an underground fighting event involving famous wrestler Bone Saw McGraw, played by Randy Savage, viciously beating various wrestlers, and enters the event in his red Spider costume)
NC (vo): He goes to the wrestling ring...wait, wrestling is real in this universe? Now I know this isn't reality...as he applies to fight. (The event's staff member, played by Octavia Spencer, is shown) Hey, I thought Octavius wasn't in this.
Staff member (Octavia Spencer): (to Peter) Down hall to the ramp. May God be with you.
NC (vo; as staff member): Don't forget to try my pie. It's shit.
(The wrestling event announcer, played by Bruce Campbell, announces the entrance of Bone Saw's next opponent)
Announcer (Bruce Campbell): The amazing Spider-Man!
(The curtain opens, revealing Peter wearing his red Spider costume with a mask. Peter slowly begins to walk to the ring)
NC (vo): The announcer sends Peter into the ring to fight a wrestler named Bone Saw. And I'm not gonna lie, seeing Randy Savage, Bruce Campbell, and Octavia Spencer seconds apart in a wrestling ring kind of makes me think there's a god.
NC: Randomness like that has to be planned.
(As Peter walks toward the ring, the crowd boos and a group of Bone Saw's female companions walk over to Peter to taunt him)
NC (vo): Hey, it's how the Internet reacted when they heard Maguire was cast in the role.
NC: Don't worry. A treasure trove of memes shall be thine reward. (An image showing various shots of Peter's silly-looking expressions throughout the films is shown)
Bone Saw's Female Lackey #1: Bone Saw's gonna eat you up and spit you out, little man!
Bone Saw's Female Lackey #2: I'm gonna rip all eight of your feeble legs of yours off, one by one!
NC (vo; as Peter): Actually, this is the most attention I've gotten from women. Thank you.
(Upon entering the ring, Peter discovers, to his shock, that he had unwittingly signed up for a cage match with Bone Saw. Bone Saw confronts Peter)
Bone Saw (Randy Savage): Hey, freakshow! You're going nowhere! I got you for three minutes of playtime!
NC: Can I bring up it's over nine years since he passed and I still miss the shit out of this guy?
(The bell dings, and Bone Saw charges toward Peter)
NC (vo; as Bone Saw): Snap into a Spider-Man!
(Peter dodges Bone Saw's attack by jumping into the air, causing Bone Saw to run into the cage and fall down. Peter and Bone Saw fight, with Peter using his powers, until eventually, Peter wins the match, and is praised by the crowd)
NC (vo): After, honestly, a really great action sequence, probably my favorite in the movie, which is a weird problem, but we'll get to that, Peter doesn't get all his money because he defeated him too early.
Peter: (to the wrestling promoter) I need that money.
Wrestling promoter (Larry Joshua): I missed the part where that's my problem.
(NC's attention, however, is on some pictures of scantily-clad women on the wall behind the wrestling promoter)
NC (vo): Ooh, another reason this was PG-13!
NC: (trying to look away) Avert your eyes! It's as much skin as (An image of Ariel is shown) the Little Mermaid shows!
(After the promoter cheats Peter of his earnings, a thief suddenly robs the promoter's office; Peter allows the thief to escape)
NC (vo): The manager gets mugged, though, running past Peter, who gets out of his way.
Mugger (Michael Papajohn): (to Peter) Thanks.
Security guard: (to Peter) What the hell's the matter with you? You let him go!
NC (vo; as security guard): As a security guard, we always advise kids to stop armed men, idiot!
Wresting promoter: You could've taken that guy apart!
Peter: I missed the part where that's my problem.
(This leads to the infamous moment of Peter discovering Uncle Ben having been shot)
NC (vo): Peter discovers, though, that Uncle Ben's car has been stolen and he was shot in the process.
Peter: (seeing Ben lying on the ground, stunned) Uncle Ben?
NC (vo; as Peter): Oh, my God, you've been shot! I missed the part where that's my problem.
Ben: (weakly) Peter...?
NC (vo; as Ben): Finish...painting the kitchen...
(As Peter takes Ben's hand, it goes limp as Ben breathes his last)
NC (vo): Uncle Ben dies, unleashing his spider rage.
(Driven by adrenaline and vengeance, Peter runs through the city, putting on his wrestling outfit while he runs)
NC (vo; as Peter): Let's see, what'd he tell me again? I wasn't listening. With great power comes great vengeance. Lots of vengeance! Good advice, Uncle Ben!
(Peter climbs up the wall of a building and starts swinging from building to building)
NC (vo): So the effects here are pretty hit-and-miss, with sometimes them looking pretty smooth, and other times (A clip of the opening of the '90s Spider-Man cartoon show is shown in the corner) looking like the '90s cartoon with five pairs of sunglasses on. The funny thing is, a lot of this sequence is hard to see, but the part you're supposed to not see, the carjacker's face, is clearly shown in a number of different shots!
(Peter tracks down the carjacker and grabs him by his front, demanding to know about the murder of his uncle)
Peter: ANSWER ME!
(In the light of the room, Peter is shocked to discover that the carjacker is also the mugger who stole the money from the wrestling arena)
NC (vo; as Peter): Oh, my God! It's you! I only had 12 opportunities to notice that!
(As we cut to a closeup of Peter's face, he has a flashback to the mugger getting away and him being berated for letting him get away)
NC: Thank God for that flashback. Who has time to remember minutes ago?!
(The carjacker pulls a gun on Peter, preparing to shoot him)
NC (vo): You know what I love about heroes that don't kill? Bad guys always conveniently trip to their deaths around them.
(As this happens, the carjacker steps backward. But, his face and gun trained on Peter's face, he doesn't look where he's going and trips on a pipe sticking out. He falls backwards out a window, shattering it, and falls to his doom. Peter looks out the window to see the carjacker lying there, dead)
NC (vo; as carjacker): I had a partner, by the way! Eh, not important.
(Peter returns home to Aunt May)
NC (vo; as May): (crying) Can you believe about Uncle Ben? (as Peter) I know, Aunt May, he's dead. (as May) No, I meant we're out of Uncle Ben Rice. WHERE'S MY HUSBAND?! (normal) Meanwhile, the nearby base is testing their vibrator grasshopper, when Norman crashes the party.
(Norman, in his Green Goblin outfit, zaps the grasshopper, blowing it up. The military personnel are stunned. Then Norman aims for the military bunker where the personnel are stationed and fires another shot. The General screams as the blast hits their bunker, blowing it up)
NC: That seems how a general would react. No "Duck and cover!" or "Locate any weapons!"
NC (vo): Just "tell my wife I died not screaming like my wife!"
(The exploding debris turn into graduation caps being tossed in the air as the students of Peter's school graduate. While there, Peter is given some advice from Norman as Harry watches the conversation)
NC (vo): Cut to everybody graduating, as Norman seems to be happier for Peter than he is for his own son.
Norman: I know this has been a difficult time for you.
NC (vo; as Harry): Excuse me, I have a tumor to fill with this pent-up aggression.
Norman: If you ever need anything, just give me a call. You're like a brother to Harry. That makes you family.
NC: (as Norman) You're like a brother I wish my son had...minus my son.
(That night, Peter is shown teary-eyed in the bedroom as Aunt May comes in to comfort him)
NC (vo): Spontaneously cut to Peter crying... (A collage of shots of him crying in the movies is shown) Trust me, you'll get used to that...as he admits he was thinking about Uncle Ben. Get used to that, too.
May: You were meant for great things. You won't disappoint him.
(Through a quick montage, Peter is shown deciding to use his abilities to fight injustice, donning a costume and the persona of Spider-Man)
NC (vo; as May): Unless you give a really weak entrance by awkwardly walking by papers barely showing your mask when you had an epic World Trade Center intro from the teaser ready to go.
(Cut to clips of Batman and Superman, before cutting back to Spider-Man again)
NC (vo): Yeah, Batman shows his wings; Superman flies; Spider-Man judges you like you ate his McGriddle. (The following words pop up in yellow, which NC reads dramatically...) SPIDER EPIC!
(The teaser trailer is shown briefly)
NC (vo): Yeah, this scene from the teaser was clearly meant to start this montage off, but it was cut due to 9/11. They have a second of it in there, but it's played so fast without the original buildup that, if you blink, you miss it. It's super weak, allowing us to focus on how kind of weird a lot of these New Yorkers are.
NC: (shrugs) Even by New Yorker standards.
(Cut back to the movie, showing a montage of New York citizens talking about Spider-Man)
Truck Driver: He stinks and I don't like him.
Policeman: Ah, some kind of freaky-loo or something, whackadoo.
NC: (as the policeman) Whackadoo! Takin' youse in the thirst bucket to the stoop to get the pie?
Cop: Get a load of this!
(At the sign to a diamond store, two people are caught in a spider web)
NC: (looking stunned) What?
(The scene is shown again, with shots of Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable off to the side)
NC (vo): Were Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable robbing a place?
(More citizens are shown talking about Spider-Man)
Punk Rock Girl (Lucy Lawless): Guy with eight hands. Sounds hot.
NC: I am 100% digging this Xena reboot. The blonde looks great.
Office Lady: He has those tights and that tight little...
NC: (recoiling) Whoa, watch it! This is a PG-13! You can't say... (covers his mouth in embarrassment and then whispers...) "backside".
HFG: (returning along with Benny) Excuse me, darling, but it seems like you find this movie rather ridiculous.
NC: Well, yeah, I never said it wasn't, but I'm still... (pauses awkwardly) invested enough.
Benny: Oh, yeah, that's a quote for the movie: "Spider-Man: I was invested enough."
NC: You know, you're making my job of praising a movie I said was overpraised very difficult.
HFG: Well, that's what happens when you're all grown up!
NC: (shaking his finger at them) I will prove to you there is something beneficial here for adults.
Benny: You do that, while we continue being adults.
HFG: (scoffs) Come, darling. (They start to leave again) Let's use our free time discussing how there's no free time.
Benny: That's very adult.
NC: People need to die younger.
(On that note, we go to a commercial break. Upon return, the movie resumes in the office of J. Jonah Jameson (played by J.K Simmons), the editor of The Daily Bugle, which is reporting on Spider-Man)
NC (vo): So the one over-the-top element everyone can seem to get behind in these movies is J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson. He's the fast-talking head of the Daily Bugle, and despite him really having no reason to hate Spider-Man, he does it so well, I think nobody cares.
J. Jonah Jameson: Tomorrow morning. Spider-Man. Page one with a decent picture this time. Move Conway to page seven.
Hoffman: That's a problem.
J. Jonah Jameson: Make it page eight and give 'em 10 percent off. No, make it five percent.
Hoffman: That can't be done.
J. Jonah Jameson: Get outta here!
NC: (as J. Jonah) How's this for a story? Kids today don't even know what newspapers are!
NC (vo): Peter bumps into Mary Jane and discovers she's dating Harry. But Harry hasn't brought this up to Peter, despite them living together.
Harry: Hey, Pete, you're probably looking for a job? (to Norman) Dad, maybe you can help him out.
(Norman looks toward Peter with creepy enthusiasm)
NC (vo; in a voice like Scooby-Doo): Ooh! (pants like a dog)
Peter: No, I...appreciate it.
NC (vo): Peter discovers he could get a job taking pictures of Spider-Man, so he sets up cameras, hoping a crime will conveniently happen in front of them.
(The next day, Peter provides J. Jonah with pictures of Spider-Man. J. Jonah looks up to Peter)
NC (vo; as J. Jonah): So...you're Spider-Man?
J. Jonah: I'll give you 300. That's the standard freelance fee.
NC (vo): Peter takes the check to Betty [Brant], played by Elizabeth Banks, who welcomes him to the Daily Bugle.
Betty: Welcome to the Daily Bugle.
Peter: Thank you.
NC: (as Betty) My wig has a good feeling about you, (becomes disappointed) but it's also advising me to direct Charlie's Angels.
(At Oscorp, Norman attends a meeting, celebrating Oscorp's recent success)
NC (vo): At Oscorp, Norman seems to be on top of the world, sending the business to new heights, so, of course, he's fired.
Board member: You're out, Norman.
(Norman is stunned. The next day, Oscorp's World Unity Fair is going on at Times Square, with several balloons floating around the square, pop singer Macy Gray performing a concert, and thousands of guests having a good time)
NC (vo): Norman tries getting revenge at a "Raise Awareness for Better Balloon Effects" festival, starring 2002's most 2002 performer, Macy Gray.
(At a building's balcony, Mary Jane and Harry speak with each other)
Harry: Why didn't you wear the black dress? It's just, I wanted to impress my father. He loves black.
Mary Jane: Well, maybe he'll be impressed no matter what.
NC: (looking nervous) Twitter's gonna freak if they see you wearing that.
NC (vo): James Franco's audition to play Tommy Wiseau in three, two...
(Harry approaches an Oscorp leader in a wheelchair)
Harry: Oh, hi, Mr. Fargis.
(Norman, again dressed in his green suit and mask and flying on his glider, makes his first appearance as the Green Goblin and throws pumpkin bombs at the balcony MJ and Harry are on. The ensuing explosion causes the balcony to start crumbling and MJ being put into danger)
NC (vo): Norman finally reveals himself to the world as the Green Goblin, and...it's just as dumb-looking as you remember it.
(After using another bomb to kill Oscorp's board people, the Goblin flies over towards MJ, his mask fully shown)
Green Goblin: Hello, my dear.
NC: Now, I'm not gonna pretend this is an easy character to bring into a three-dimensional world, but...look at these other concepts.
(Various concept arts of the Green Goblin are shown, before cutting back to the Goblin shown in the film)
NC (vo): When you see what we could've gotten, it hits you even more how...Pez Dispenser-y he looks. (An image of a Pez Dispenser of the Goblin is shown)
(Spider-Man makes his entrance and kicks the Goblin out of his glider before he can attack MJ)
NC (vo): Things don't get much better when Spider-Man arrives. I mean...
NC: (moving his hands) ...they do, just not in the way I think the movie intends.
(Footage of Spider-Man and the Green Goblin's first battle in Times Square is shown)
NC (vo): This action sequence, after not having watched it for years, is one of the craziest goddamn things I've ever seen. Just look at this as an adult, with the weird imagery, shitty effects, and over-the-top acting, and tell me this isn't a drunken Power Ranger battle.
NC: Everything about it is totally insane!
(A montage of various shots of the Times Square battle are shown as NC comments on each shot that is shown. First, we are shown the festival stage about to fall on a still-standing boy, who stares at it blankly)
NC (vo): Look at this kid! Did he get high before coming there? What kind of expression is that? (A close-up of the boy's mother is shown) Why doesn't his mom just grab him? He's right there. (As the stage falls down, the balloon connected to the stage is shown rising up) Is that balloon moving backwards? The fuck?
(Next, we are shown a girl spotting Spider-Man making his entrance)
NC (vo): Why does this girl act like she's in a Mentos commercial?
Girl: It's Spider-Man!
(The famous "Mentos: The Freshmaker" slogan appears in the bottom of the shot)
Announcer: The Freshmaker!
(Next, Spider-Man is shown attempting to fight the Goblin, but the Goblin grabs his fist and speaks; his lips are shown to not be moving)
NC (vo): What? Talking without your lips moving?
(The Goblin kicks Spider-Man into a lamppost, which falls down on top of a man, knocking him down)
NC: That fucker's dead!
(The Goblin is shown getting back on his glider)
NC (vo): Jesus, that looks awful!
(The Goblin chases after a running Spider-Man while firing bullets from his glider)
NC (vo): Did we even get a shot of Spider-Man standing up, seeing the Goblin coming towards him? We just cut to him running like a stunt show.
(The balcony MJ is on continues to crumble, knocking MJ near the edge. She screams. This action is shown briefly in fast-motion)
NC (vo): Did they fast-forward Mary Jane? What are they doing?
(Spider-Man jumps through several balloons to try and reach MJ)
NC (vo): Jesus, that looks awful!
(As the Goblin faces Spider-Man again, Spider-Man shoots webbing straight on his face, causing the Goblin to yell in disgust)
NC (vo; chuckling): Wha...what?
(Spider-Man causes the glider to fly out of control, forcing the Goblin to flee the chaos)
Goblin: We'll meet again, Spider-Man!
NC (vo): Did he just pull an... (imitates Dr. Claw) "I'll get you next time, Gadget"?
(Spider-Man saves MJ and takes her on a swing around the city. MJ is shown in close-up holding Spider-Man. He is shown as a prop instead of Maguire)
NC (vo): Is that a dummy, or did he die in midair? Why was it hard to get a person in a Spider suit to hold her?
(Spider-Man and MJ land safely in a garden, where Spider-Man briefly speaks to two visitors)
Spider-Man: Don't mind us. She just needs to use the elevator.
NC (vo): Ha-ha?
NC: So as you can see, this entire action sequence is completely nuts! (beat) But because of that, it's kind of amazing. I give it three-and-a-half little WTFs.
(As he says this, four images of Spider-Man are shown with the caption "WTF", with the fourth Spider-Man image and the fourth "WTF" both shown in half)
Audience: (deadpan) Yay.
(At his mansion, Norman suddenly begins hearing the Goblin's voice, before seeing his own reflection in the mirror acting as the Goblin)
NC (vo): Norman begins realizing he may have a split personality. At least, that's what the voice in his head is telling him. This is scene-chewing at its yummiest.
Norman's reflection (Goblin): So many good things all happening for you, all for you.
(The reflection takes a drink from a glass and then throws it aside, causing it to shatter)
NC: I'm beginning to think you hate glass more than Spider-Man. (An image of a glass Spider-Man mug appears in the corner, which he points to) Is this like his number-one fear?
Norman's reflection (Goblin): Bringing you what you've always wanted. There's only one who can stop us. (laughs evilly)
NC: That moment you realize he was actually underperforming when he played Nosferatu. (An image of Dafoe as Nosferatu in Shadow of the Vampire appears in the corner)
(At the Daily Bugle, the Green Goblin flies in and attacks)
NC (vo): Norman goes to the Daily Bugle to find Spider-Man's photographer.
Goblin: (grabbing J. Jonah Jameson by his throat) Jameson, you slime!
NC: "Slime"?! (gasps) Chalk that up to (The PG-13 rating appears in the corner) another reason this was PG-13!
Goblin: (holding up Jameson by his throat in a choke-hold) Who's the photographer who takes the pictures of Spider-Man?!
Jameson: (gasping for breath) I don't know who he is! His stuff comes in the mail!
Goblin: You're lying!
Jameson: I swear!
NC: So Jameson's willing to put his life on the line for Parker? (looks up) That's like... (An image of Popeye and Bluto is shown) ...Bluto sticking his neck out for Popeye. It's possible, but you gotta explain it.
NC (vo): Spider-Man appears, but Goblin has a way to knock him out. Oh, I do hope it's a silly way.
(It is indeed, as the Goblin sprays sleeping gas from his wrists in Spider-Man's face)
Goblin: Sleeeeep... (Spider-Man becomes groggy) Hah...
NC: (facepalming himself) I love it when it hits you that the main villain of your movie just made a Humphrey the Bear sound effect.
Goblin: (spraying Spider-Man) Hah...
(Cut to a clip of a Donald Duck cartoon called Rugged Bear, where Humphrey appears)
(Back to the movie again, as we see Spider-Man groggily coming to on a rooftop, where the Goblin is also at)
NC (vo): Goblin paralyzes Spider-Man and offers him a chance to join Goblin in...being crazy!
Goblin: You and I are not so different.
Spider-Man: I'm not like you.
Goblin: Eventually, they will hate you. Why bother?
Spider-Man: Because it's right.
NC: And other cliche lines from the '40s. Why doesn't he take his mask off?
NC (vo): I mean, he tells him to think about his offer, but why doesn't he just take Spider-Man's mask off to see who he is?
NC (vo; as Green Goblin): I could take your mask off right now. (as Spider-Man) I know, but don't. (as Goblin) But I want to. (as Spider-Man) I don't want you to. (as Goblin) But I could. (as Spider-Man) But you won't. (as Goblin) Why? (as Spider-Man) Chicken thigh.
(There is an awkward pause before the Goblin gets on his glider)
NC (vo; as Goblin): Well, I guess you got me there!
(Down on the street, Peter runs into Mary Jane again)
NC (vo): After that, we get...ooh! Another scene where Peter and Mary just talk! I do hope it feels more like status updates than actual conversation.
Peter: How's it going with...
Mary Jane: Why so interested?
Peter: I'm not.
Mary Jane: You're not?
Peter: Why would I be?
Mary Jane: I don't know, why would you be?
Peter: (smiling awkwardly) I don't know.
NC: What the hell are you even talking about?
Peter: I'm not.
Mary Jane: You're not?
Peter: Why would I be?
Mary Jane: Why would you be?
(Cut to a clip of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, showing Anakin Skywalker speaking with Padme Amidala on a balcony)
Anakin (Hayden Christensen): You're so beautiful.
Padme (Natalie Portman): It's only because I'm so in love.
Anakin: No, it's because I'm so in love with you.
(We then cut back to Spider-Man, where MJ is suddenly attacked by a group of muggers in an alley)
NC (vo): Mary Jane has to be rescued again, this time from kissy-faces.
(One mugger makes kissy-faces at MJ)
NC: Ooh! (points to camera) I saw a hoodlum do that in West Side Story. (nods)
(Another mugger makes an odd growling noise at MJ)
NC: (shakes head uncomfortably) And I've never seen anyone do that.
(Spider-Man suddenly arrives and fights off the muggers, before speaking with MJ while hanging upside down)
NC (vo): But Peter changes into Spider-Man to save her.
Mary Jane: You have a knack for saving my life. I think I have a superhero stalker.
NC: Who talks like that?!?
(MJ removes the mouth part of Spider-Man's mask to share a passionate kiss with him while upside-down)
NC (vo): You know, Peter, she doesn't know you're Spider-Man. There's no red flags that she's cheating on her boyfriend with a pajamaed criminal while also kind of playing the field with you?
NC: This is why all you got was a hug in Spider-Man 3. (A shot of said hug in said movie appears in the corner)
(Days later, a New York apartment is on fire as firemen attempt to rescue the people inside the building)
NC (vo): The next day, we continue our pattern of parents who are awful, as a mother leaves her baby in a burning building.
(Spider-Man swings into the building in question as the mother and firefighter consoling her watch)
NC: (arms crossed) Yep, Spider-Man's gonna die in a burning building with a baby! This movie suddenly got super dark on a whim!
(Then, as the building explodes, Spider-Man somersaults out the window with the baby in his arms. He lowers himself down to the ground with his web)
NC (vo): Well...that was suspenseful. (But then, they hear a woman scream from inside the burning building) They hear another woman screaming inside, only to discover it's the Goblin.
(The "woman" screaming is revealed to be the Green Goblin in disguise, who punches Spider-Man so hard, he sends him sailing across the burning room)
Goblin: What about my generous proposal? Are you in, or are you out?
Spider-Man: It's you who's out, Gobby – out of your mind!
NC: That line is like a pendulum. (A shot of a movie adaptation of The Pit and the Pendulum is shown) The more it repeats, the more you die a little.
(Spider-Man and the Goblin fight, with Spider-Man's arm getting injured in the process, before Spider-Man eventually flees. We then cut abruptly to Aunt May's Thanksgiving dinner, attended by Peter, Norman, Harry and Mary Jane, where she puts the turkey in front of Norman)
NC (vo): They fight in the fire, with Spider-Man getting his arm injured, but both of them flee, just in time for turkey.
NC: Yeah, I'm tired of nobody putting this on their favorite Thanksgiving specials.
(Norman reaches his hand out to take some of the yams on the table, but May slaps his hand away)
May: Norman, would you do the honors?
(Staring awkwardly, Norman eats the tiny bit of yams he was able to get and then starts to sharpen a knife with which to carve the turkey. May smiles)
NC: (arms crossed) Spider-Man, where even sampling sweet potatoes is somehow made weird.
NC (vo): Norman notices Peter's wound and immediately figures out he's Spider-Man. (Earlier shots of Peter's spider powers in public the outfit is shown) Shocking. He kept it a secret so well.
Norman: (getting up from the table and putting on his coat) Something has come to my attention.
NC (vo): And just when you think this movie can't get be any more– (The Goblin mask is shown in Norman's room) Whaaa??
Norman: (looking at the mask from a distance) What do I do?
Goblin's Voice (inside mask): Instruct him in the matters of loss.
(We cut back to NC's seat, but it's empty. Offscreen, NC is heard howling with laughter)
Norman: (getting on his hands and knees) But how? (crawls toward mask)
Goblin's Voice: The cunning warrior attacks neither body nor mind.
NC: I just recently saw (An image of What Did Jack Do? appears in the corner) David Lynch interrogate a monkey. (points to screen) This is weirder.
NC (vo): Can you imagine somebody walking in on this supposed intimidating scene and not laughing their ass off?
(To prove his point, we have a skit where Tamara walks up to a door)
Tamara: Hey, Rob, I wanted to get your input on...
(She opens the door and spots Rob crawling up to the Dinosaur Rob mask placed on the couch, in the same manner as Norman Osborn)
Rob: (to the Dinosaur Rob mask) What must I do?
(He suddenly looks to the door, noticing it open and Tamara staring at him. Tamara closes the door briefly)
Tamara: Nope, I have to look again.
(She opens the door again to spot Rob still staring at her. She closes the door again and looks up, slightly confused. She suddenly laughs and falls down on the floor. Then we cut back to the movie once again)
NC (vo): This leads to, believe it or not, an even crazier-ass scene, where he [Norman as the Green Goblin] crashes in on a praying Aunt May.
(Aunt May is praying when an explosion happens behind her, destroying the wall as Aunt May starts screaming while the Goblin rises up behind her on his glider, laughing evilly)
Aunt May: (crying out) DELIVER US...
Goblin: Finish it! FINISH IT!!
Aunt May: FROM EVILLLLLL!
NC: (his face in his hands, laughing) Oh, my God!
NC (vo): You can't see anything like this in another comic book movie. It is so...precisely odd. I want to see him do this for other things that people should wrap up.
(Cut to a reenactment where NC is on his phone and softly singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" to himself)
NC: (singing) Beelzebub, has the devil put aside for me...
(Cut to when the Goblin attacks Aunt May. NC starts seizing up in fear, imitating Aunt May)
Goblin: Finish it!
NC: (sings) For me!
Goblin: FINISH IT!!
NC: (sings) FOR MEEEEEE!
(The Goblin laughs as NC pretends to faint in his chair, and the screen goes black and silent briefly before the movie resumes, showing Aunt May recovering in hospital as Peter and MJ talk)
NC (vo): She [Aunt May]'s sent to the hospital where...oh, yes! Peter and Mary Jane remain perfectly still in one spot talking again!
NC: You know, there's other romantic things you can do: go to the fair, walk on the beach...
NC (vo): ...not say things in such a creepy-ass manner.
Peter: (staring creepily at MJ) You feel excited? And at the same time...terrified.
(Cut briefly to a clip of an episode of Ren and Stimpy)
Walrus: (terrified) Call the police...!
(Back to the Spider-Man movie, as Harry comes into Aunt May's room also)
NC (vo): Harry sees Mary Jane flirting with Peter, though, and (mock childish voice) goes to tell his daddy!
Norman: (to a teary-eyed Harry) I haven't always been there for you, have I? I've lost sight of that somewhere, but I'm gonna make it up to you, Harry. I'm going to rectify certain inequities.
NC: (as Harry) Good to have you back, Dad! This wasn't cryptic at all!
(In the movie, the Green Goblin comes roaring up at the screen, and then we hear the sound of Aunt May telling Peter to wake up. It seems he has fallen asleep by her bed and she is caressing his head, trying to wake him up)
Goblin: Wake up, little spider.
May: Wake up. (Peter does so)
NC: (deadpan) Eek.
NC (vo): Peter wakes up from his terrifying dream as it seems Aunt May is doing better.
May: You do too much. You're not Superman, you know. (Peter laughs softly)
NC: (as Peter) Well, I'd have to get a lot better at breaking necks.
May: You know, you were about six years old when MJ's family moved in. You grabbed me and said, "Aunt May, Aunt May, is that an angel?"
NC: I really don't like how many (A shot of Anakin Skywalker saying "Are you an angel?" is shown in the corner) parallels this has to the prequels.
NC (vo): Aunt May says everyone knows he's in love with Mary Jane, which gets him thinking he should give her a call.
(Peter goes out into the hall and uses a pay phone to call Mary Jane)
MJ's voice: Hi, this is MJ...
NC (vo; as Peter): I need to know if you're an angel!
(Suddenly, the phone cuts off)
(To his shock, he hears the sound of the Green Goblin's evil laughter on the phone)
NC: (as Peter, pretending to talk into a phone) MJ! You're finally laughing at my jokes!
(At the Queensboro Bridge at night, MJ is shown standing at the top of the bridge as the Goblin, flying on his glider, attacks and takes hostage a moving cable car filled with kids)
NC (vo): It looks like the Goblin has kidnapped Mary Jane as well as a car full of kids. You can tell they were saving the really good effects for the climax here. (growls in annoyance) Same year as (image of the following appears in the corner...) GOLLUM!!
(Spider-Man arrives to find the Goblin holding both MJ and the cable car full of children hostage)
Goblin: This is why only fools are heroes.
(The Goblin forces Spider-Man to choose whom he wants to save by dropping both MJ and the children)
NC (vo): Spider-Man shows up as Goblin forces him to choose between Mary Jane or the children. Now, anyone who knows the comics knows (A matching comic book page is superimposed) this is a send-up to when the Green Goblin killed Gwen Stacy on the Brooklyn Bridge, one of the most shocking deaths in comic book history. But here?
(Spider-Man barely manages to catch both MJ and the children, but is left struggling to hang on to both as he himself hangs on from the bottom of the bridge)
NC (vo): Eh, we're just gonna do the Batman Forever thing. (Two images of Robin and Dr. Chase being held captive in Batman Forever are shown)
NC: 'Cause, you know, if you're gonna steal from Batman, (makes an A-OK sign) might as well be the best one.
NC (vo): It's not that they don't kill Mary Jane...I honestly don't think that it would've worked here...it's that there's no point in doing it like this if you're not gonna deliver the goods. It'd be like telling the story of Jesus. (Images of Jesus's story in the Bible are shown) He heals people, gets to the trial...and then He's found innocent and goes home. There's kind of some big, epic stuff you're leaving out.
(As the Goblin is about to kill Spider-Man, he is suddenly hit on the head by a piece of garbage. A crowd of New Yorkers are on the bridge, throwing things at the Goblin and yelling at him)
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, did I mention this was made after 9/11?
Man #1: Leave Spider-Man alone! You gonna pick on a guy trying to save a bunch of kids?!
Man #2: You mess with Spidey, you mess with New York!
Man #1: You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us!
NC: (looking nervous) God...bless you your heart's in the right place.
(Spider-Man manages to save both MJ and the children by dropping them onto a passing boat)
NC (vo): Spider-Man saves Mary Jane and the kids, but the Goblin grabs him and takes him to, honestly, the second-best fight in the movie.
(Said fight takes place at an abandoned building, where the Goblin engages in a brutal battle with Peter, with Peter losing, initially, with his suit and mask being torn up in the process)
NC (vo): Again, I think that's because there's not a lot of half-assed CGI, and it feels more gritty and grounded. It's even one of the few times the Goblin's mask looks pretty cool, as you can see Dafoe's much scarier teeth inside the fake teeth, giving it a nice, creepy vibe.
(However, Peter eventually gains the upper hand and finally beats the Goblin, who suddenly pleads for Peter to stop and unmasks himself to reveal his identity)
NC (vo): As you'd imagine, Spider-Man finds his strength and ends up beating the Goblin, just as he reveals his identity.
Norman: Give me your hand. I've been like a father to you.
NC: (as Norman) You know, a father that tries to kill everything you know and love, a Hollywood father.
Peter: I have a father. His name was Ben Parker.
NC: Yeah, and I'm Rey Skywalker. We really are who we choose to be, aren't we?
(As Norman is pleading to Peter, however, the Goblin self still inside Norman had secretly activated the glider to kill Peter once and for all. But Peter senses the attack and jumps away at the last minute, causing the glider to impale Norman instead)
NC (vo): He accidentally nails himself in his goblins, as he makes one last request to Peter.
Norman: Don't tell Harry. (dies)
NC: (as Peter) Well, I guess you did try to kill my girlfriend and Aunt May and me...you know, fuck you. I'm telling Harry.
NC (vo): No, I guess he keeps his dumb scout's honor and returns Norman home, where Harry finds him.
(At Norman's funeral, Peter approaches Harry)
Peter: I'm so sorry, Harry.
Harry: I swear on my father's grave, Spider-Man will pay.
NC (vo; as Peter): You know, the word on the street is the X-Men did this. That Dazzler is a real psycho. (Soon, everyone has left the grave site, except Peter and Mary Jane, who walks up to him) Well, here we are at the funeral of our best friend's father. (They hug) Want to go out?
Mary Jane: There's something I've been wanting to tell you: when I was up there, there was only person who I was thinking of.
(Clips of Peter and MJ's past conversations are shown)
NC (vo; as Mary Jane): The person I've stood still and talked FIVE TIMES, having the most BORING OF CONVERSATIONS WITH! (We then cut back to the grave site) It's love! Dull, monotonous love!
Mary Jane: I love you so much, Peter. (They embrace and kiss)
NC (vo): But Peter, in order to keep her safe, turns down her advances. Because that's...totally how it's always gonna be, guys.
Peter: I will always be your friend.
Mary Jane: Only a friend?
Peter: That's all I have to give.
(As she sheds a tear and Peter leaves her, the Price Is Right "losing horn" sound plays)
Peter: (narrating) Whatever life holds in store for me, I will never forget these words...
NC: (as Peter) ..."Bros before hoes."
Peter: (narrating) ..."With great power comes great responsibility."
(The film's final scene shows Spider-Man swinging around the city, finishing with him swinging towards a large US flag and then swinging straight to the camera, ending the film)
NC (vo): He swings towards an amazingly convincing American flag that totally wasn't put in at the last minute.
NC: And that's the end of Spider-Man.
Benny: It certainly is.
(NC looks up to see Benny and HFG standing at the doorway again)
HFG: So, Critic, with all the jokes and mockery you made of this movie, has anything changed for you since you last saw it?
NC: (sighs) Yeah, but it hasn't just changed for me. It's changed for you, too.
Benny: Oh, yeah? What's that?
NC: (shrugs) Comic book movies.
(Footage of the movie is shown again as NC provides his final thoughts)
NC (vo): You see, back then, there weren't that many, and I was waiting for the equivalent of The Dark Knight to come out, something that took comic book films super-seriously. Instead, I got this: something silly, over-the-top, and mostly innocent. So I always kind of resented it, thinking we could get a much more serious Spider-Man movie. But now that we have films like (Poster of...) The Dark Knight and (Posters for the Spider-Man movies, Homecoming, Into the Spider-Verse and Far From Home are superimposed) even more serious Spider-Man movies, I can finally enjoy how one-of-a-kind this series is.
HFG: But it's so ridiculous!
Benny: Yeah, everything in it is so campy and goofball.
NC: But that's part of the fun: its cons are also its pros.
NC (vo): If you don't take it that seriously and just embrace the hilariously sugar-coated world, it is kind of fun. It’s paced well, it's a decently laid-out origin story, and its angles and imagery are very old school comic book. I know it takes liberties, but if you compare it to the liberties other comic book movies took at the time, this one actually stayed closer than others. And, yes, this was the movie that arguably made the biggest impact in getting comic book films going again. And for that to be an innocent, gentle, cornball flick instead of an extreme, dark, hardcore bloodfest, it's actually rather impressive. It's funny, a lot of younger people that grew up with this find themselves disliking it as they get older. But since I watched it with a more cynical mind and the cinematic environment around me has changed, I actually find myself enjoying it...if I focus on the passion and creativity rather than the details. I think this movie's gonna have a different reaction with different ages at different times. And you know what? If it broadens your point of view, that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Benny: Well, there it is.
HFG: Yes, there it is.
Benny: So, do we like this movie or not?
HFG: Well, I guess the little kid in me is always going to like it and...the adult in me is always going to find problems with it, darling.
NC: And the good news is, there's nothing wrong with that. Whatever you feel towards a movie is okay to feel.
Benny: Well, I guess we were trying to grow up a bit too fast.
HFG: Come on, Benny! Let's put on our Spider-Man pajamas and watch the Raimi films again!
Benny: With alcohol!
HFG: (drops posh accent) Oh, yeah, of course with alcohol. We have to enjoy some perks of adulthood. There's nothing even in these goddamn things.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and whether sober or plastered, Spider-Month is just beginning!
(He gets up and leaves, dancing and grooving to funky music as he does so)
Channel Awesome tagline – Mary Jane: I'd like a cheeseburger.
(The credits roll)