Spice World

NChick: Hi, I'm your Nostalgia Chick, and you know what time it is? It's Gross Oversimplification Time! Let's talk about feminism.

(Spanish Flea starts playing with photos of feminists throughout history)

NChick (VO): What did we get from first wave feminism? The right to vote, among other things. What did we get from second wave feminism? The right to have sex indiscriminately, among other things.

NChick: But wasn't there a third wave? A wave that was sort of a backlash to those first two waves? What did that wave give us? Among other things.

(opening titles of the movie, with each Spice Girl labelled with the cheapest font ever, before cutting to clips of the movie)

NChick (VO): Oh, Spice Girls. For about a year and a half, they were inescapable. a pop group phenomenon to contend with, to be sure, that all ultimately culminated in the motion picture event, Spice World.

NChick: A movie with at least half the ambition of A Hard Day's Night, a quarter of the budget, and at least two percent of the talent.

(opening credits)

NChick (VO): The film opens on this little tidbit, that the film itself is based on an idea by the Spice Girls.

NChick: Which means that we're in for quite a ride, you guys!

(footage of movie)

NChick (VO): As we are introduced to our feisty young singers, we also are privy to this brilliant dress worn by Geri Halliwell, who was apparently Modo's spokesman. Did you know she is FEMALE?! Could have fooled me! Does it have a plot? No! But amazingly, it does manage about four subplots, each one more painfully useless than the last. And look! It's Alan Cumming! And he's wearing a chest toupee.

NChick: Isn't it amazing how every time Alan Cumming's in a movie you always immediately find yourself saying 'No! No! You don't understand! It's horrible!'

NChick (VO): After the show, the girls go into the space-time continuum bus with many, many times the internal space, piloted by Meat Loaf, who basically drives them round London landmarks all day. And what do they do in the bus? Well, mostly they just kind of run through all the stereotypes with which we've come to identify them.

Victoria: I never know what to wear.

Mel C: You know, trying to decide whether to wear the little Gucci dress, the LITTLE Gucci dress, or the little Gucci DRESS.

Victoria: Exactly.

NChick: (chuckling) So this is what you guys consider funny.

Emma: I know! Why don't you wear the Little Gucci Dress?

Victoria: That's a good idea.

NChick: We're only six minutes into the movie....

Mel B: There they are!

Geri: What?

Mel B: My boots, Geri! You're wearing my boots!

NChick: Look! Girly things! God, if it got any more girly, they'd start a pillow fight.

Mel B: Right, you've had it.

Geri: Fine, have 'em back!

Mel B: I don't want 'em!

(the girls start play fighting)

NChick: You know, I wasn't serious....

NChick (VO): OK, so we have no plot, and I'm not talking Teen Witch no plot, I mean NO PLOT. Aside from the Spice Girls, we have several sub-plots, one involving some American film makers wanting to make a movie about them, one with the manager reassuring some eponymous chief who's petting the villain cat and occasionally the villain pig in the villain room while he drinks his villain 'tini, Alan Cumming's futile attempts to make a documentary, and some paparazzis' repeated attempts to slander the Spice Girls. Between all these sub-plots, it's pretty amazing that the movie has no plot but their ego.

NChick: What do the Spice Girls do? Basically, just take up space for ninety minutes.

Film crew guy: That's the power of girl power, man.

NChick (VO): Next thing you know, we're at another rehearsal, and my God, we're adorable and girly. Just look at us. Poke our adorable girly selves.

NChick: Next thing you know, they'll figure out a way to bring babies into the fray.

(enter the heavily pregnant Nicola)

NChick (VO): OK, so the Spice Girls all have one friend, who has been their one friend since the long long ago time, she's got herself knocked up and I guess it's supposed to provide some grounding influence or something.

Victoria: How's Trevor?

Nicola: He's gone. Trevor's left me.

(Girls make general noises of sympathy)

NChick: Ah, guess it was one of those pain-free breakups. 'Specially with that kid on the way.

NChick (VO): Although if one good thing does come from this subplot, we do get to hear Scary Spice say the word 'BAY-BEH' over and over.

Mel B: (in thick Northern accent) Baby.

NChick: Say it again!

Mel B: Baby.

NChick: Say it again! Say it again! Say it again!

Mel B: Baby. Baby! Baby.

Nicola: Just wait 'til YOU lot start having kids!

NChick: We could pad the movie for at least a whole minute!

Nicola: That'd be REALLY weird.

(swirling fantasy world vortex)

Geri: Kids today, they don't know how...

All: LUCKY THEY ARE!

('Mama' intensifies from upstairs)

Geri: BRUCIE! DEBBIE!

NChick: And pointless plot cul-de-sac wrapped up, let's go back to the non-plot.

NChick (VO): The movie's main grievance seems to be with the general incompetence of all kinds of media, evidenced especially by poor Alan Cumming who just keeps trying to worm his way back into the movie, and the evil newspaper editors who ust want to destroy the Spice Girls in the interest of selling papers.

NChick: And this movie HATES the media. Kind of ironic, considering what made the Spice Girls popular in the first place.

Editor: Or if they find a cure for deja vu.

Cohort (whatever the hell he does): Pshh. Not me.

Editor: Or if they find a cure for deja vu.

Cohort: Pshh. Not me.

NChick: DVD skip, or bad screenwriting?

NChick (VO): Character development in this movie basically takes the form of the five Spice Girls playing up their one personality trait, whatever it might be, and wondering 'is there perhaps something more to me than the adjective before my Spice?' So needless to say, Ginger doesn't have a lot to do, except spending the whole movie in truly unfortunate outfits.

NChick: Next thing you know, there's gonna be self-indulgent glamour shots.

(They do just that)

NChick: Guys! I was kidd- I didn't mean i- Co- Stop it!

Mel B: (dressed as Geri) Um, blah blah blah. Erm, girl power, feminism, d'you know what I mean?

NChick: (impersonating her) Nuh. ...Do you?

NChick (VO): Seeing Sporty Spice in Posh's outfits does seem a bit suspect though.

Mel C: I'm just TOO posh.

Austin Powers: That's not your mother, it's a MAN, baby!

NChick: Sorry.

Victoria: These are really comfy actually.

Mel C: Don't even think about it.

Austin Powers: Well, you have to admit, she is rather mannish!

NChick (VO): Next stop in the movie, a publicity party, 'cos you know, those happen sometimes with no real purpose, when Nicola shows up with a request.

Nicola: I want you all to be godmothers!

Victoria: Hang on a minute. Um.... Do godmothers get stretch marks?

NChick: Vain AND stupid. Girl power!

NChick (VO): And what's another good lesson from our intrepid heroines?

Alan Cumming: Do you have any time for boys?

Mel B: You see, I think, with boys, you should be able to just wheel them in, and then they're there and then that's it.

NChick: True girl power means objectifying the other gender. Double standards, they're the best kind of empowerment!

Emma: And order them like a pizza.

Alan Cumming: Oooh!

(the girls perform a cover of Leader of the Gang with their male back-up dancers wearing assless pants and thongs)

NChick: Who was this movie marketed towards?

NChick (VO): This movie's kind of a giant mishmash of completely unappealing to adults with jokes that I can only assume are meant to appeal to kids who make up the bulk of the people going to see this movie anyway.

(the girls are standing around a unconscious boy in hospital)

Victoria: Maybe you should take your top off, Geri.

(the boy's eyes snap open)

NChick: Hi, seven year old fans!

NChick (VO): So, late one night, on a road, every toilet on the bus, because there are many, has broken.

Clifford: Isn't there something that you can do about them?!

Meat Loaf: Listen: I love these girls. And I'll do anything for 'em. But I won't do that.

(I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) begins playing)

NChick: Could it be that the movie has redeemed itself in a mere one joke?

(music video for the song)

NChick: Well, looks like we're running out of stuff to pad the movie with, but fortunately, I have my Girl Power Weird Shit-O-Lever to pull, in the event that the movie needs padding, so what have you got for us?

(Chick pulls it and the on-screen options cycle through Chewbacca, Easter Bonnets, I! Like! Boys!, Aliens, Crab People and North Korea Invades before setting on Aliens)

NChick: Kay!

NChick (VO): I guess the movie's just gotten so grossly uninteresting that we needed to pull out aliens.

(one of the aliens reaches off tentatively towards the girls, and Mel B's breasts)

Mel B: Oi! Get off!

NChick: Way to pull me out of my Meat Loaf state of glory, movie.

NChick (VO): Seems like the rest of the movie's never ending barrage of plot cul-de-sacs. It takes up space. So the closest semblance of anything resembling plot seems to be this show that they're preparing for which takes place at the end of the film. And is really important for some reason. The reason for their lack of time though? Dance camp with this guy.

Drill Sergeant-type Instructor: (singing) Mama, oh, mama....

NChick: Again, I THINK they're trying to be funny. I'm not sure, they are British.

Emma: We can't dance like that.

Instructor: Yes, I know, I've seen your videos.

NChick: Come on, girls, show him what you're made of. Show him those exquisite Spice dance skills.

(They do. Sort of.)

NChick: So the Spice Girls can dance at least as well as 70% of the geriatrics in America.

NChick (VO): As they spend the night in this dance camp of nightmares, the girls start having nightmares about this big important gig that they've got coming up.

Mel B: Well, I had this horrible dream last night.

Mel C: You didn't have an 'ead?

Mel B: How did you know?!

Victoria: I had exactly the same dream but mine was much, MUCH worse. Well, you see, I had a head, but there was no makeup on it.

Geri: Oh no....

NChick: OK. You? Shut up. Stop talking. You're bringing down the property value of vaginas everywhere.

Victoria: I just - I can't take it anymore!

NChick: Well, time for another irrelevant plot cul-de-sac. What have you got for us, movie guys? Is it time for another pull of the Girl Power Weird Shit-O-Lever?

(She pulls it, and it flicks through Charity in Africa, Mermaids, Punitive Damages, Trip to Trader Joe's, Drinking Bottle Water and Sexy Secret Agents before settling on the last one)

NChick: Yay!

American Film Guy: He has to call in....the Spice Force Five!

(Spice Force Five title card and theme cue)

NChick: (sighs)

(Geri gets into a phone box and spins around on the spot while their version of the Wonder Woman theme plays as she turns into....)

Bob Hoskins: (in Geri's voice) Girl power! Equalisation between the sexes!

NChick: What are you even talking abo- Was that Bob Hoskins?

Bob Hoskins: Hm.

NChick: Well deary me, is it already time for another pull of the Random Shit-O-Lever?

(Options cycle through Vaginitis, Little Bo Peep, Special Olympics, Ravished by Zeus, Manicures and Aquatic Adventures before settling on the last one)

Alan Cumming: Quick, there's an aquatic adventure happening here!

(the girls dance around on a boat singing a cover of My Boy Lollipop before Alan Cumming is pushed off the boat following them)

NChick: Oh lord, please, no, not Alan Cumming, this movie needs him so badly, please, no.

NChick (VO): Manager man is rather peeved about the whole boat incident and as a result, the Spice Girls seem to be on the verge of breakup, without ever actually fighting.

Clifford: I think I may have just started the breakup of the Spice Girls.

NChick: No, I think you just started the end of your tenure as their manager. Don't worry, they fly through the managers.

NChick (VO): Well, after a flashback, they all go back to the exact same nostalgic place and make up instantly. Then they take their pregnant friend to a dance club. Pregnant lady dancing up on a platform in a night club, that won't end badly.

Emma: NICOLA!

NChick (VO): The Loaf then drives them in the Spice Bus to the hospital, where they spend the night waiting for the baby, which does, at long last, pop out as a perfect smegma-less Caucasian three-month old.

Geri: Now that is girl power.

NChick: It's all we're good for! Alright, so now they have to get from Point A to Point B, while the movie guys narrate for some reason.

Fat guy: Those are the rules!

NChick: Well, looks like this is gonna have to pass for our climax, so what have you got for us, Girl Power Random Shit-O-Lever?

(Options cycle through Egg Nog, Fried Teeth, Tapestries, Exfoliating, The Return of Christ and finish with WHAT THE FUCK EVER)

(I Would Do Anything For Love plays as the girls ride atop the bus, it almost crashes into a Mini driven by nuns, pigeons scatter, the Meat Loaf video, the Chick lip-syncing, an obvious model shot of the bus jumping Tower Bridge, Emma finding a bomb, not necessarily in that order)

NChick (VO): And we get to the show on time and we perform the hit song from our new album. And boy, do those extras look excited. Look at 'em go.

NChick: But don't think the movie's over just yet. Not quite. We still have a little bit of fourth wall to break.

NChick (VO): With the epilogue where we make fun of the movie we just watched, like 'oh, we know this movie was Spice crap, we did that on purpose.

Richard E. Grant: They want me to play their road manager.... Well, I'm on a mobile phone, getting angry all the time.... I don't want to end my career.

Alan Cumming: You want me to lose my Scottish accent, that's fine. I'll do a posh silly accent, but the chest wig?

NChick (VO): True to art imitating life imitating art form, the Spice Girls did, in fact, break up not too long after the release of their second album and this film. Gone forever though? Hardly. The five of them did reunite for a reunion tour and album last year, some of them looking way worse for wear than women in their early 30s have a right to. 'Look at me, I do sit-ups! Oh, the sit-ups, you wouldn't believe the sit-ups that I do. I do sit-ups.' 'Well, look at me! Ha-ha! I don't eat! Look at how much I don't eat!'

NChick: But the thing is, their dynamic is totally gone. One thing you could say about the Spice Girls, like 'em or not, whether you like the way they dress, the way they talked or what they said, was that they at least seemed to like each other.

NChick (VO): And how many instances of girls being interested in friendship more than boys do little girls ever get? They were marketed on the basis of being good friends. Now look at them, they won't even look at each other.

NChick: Friendship never ends. However, careers do. But we can't feel too sorry for them as they do still have their cushy cushy millions to cry into.

NChick (VO): Or, better than that, they have Spice World, one crappy non-entity of a movie. But one thing we can say for certain however is that there is nothing so crappy that it will not benefit from the presence of a little....

(I Would Do Anything For Love starts playing while the Chick looks wistful)

NChick: ....of Meat Loaf.... I'm your Nostalgia Chick..... I remember it becau....(runs off)