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Sonic the Hedgehog: The Movie

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Aired
July 31, 2018
Running Time
21:02
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(We do the Channel Awesome logo and the intro before cutting to the Nostalgia Critic in his room)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Let's talk about Sonic the Hedgehog. (His phone rings and he checks it) I'm required to say... "Before DeviantArt"? (A crowd groans at him)

(The footage and pictures of various Sonic media are shown)

NC (vo): The iconic Sega Genesis character not only had several hit games in the 90s, but also two successful TV shows both on at the same time. It was like having Batman: The Animated Series and Batman the 60s show both on simultaneously. It was strange, but kinda cool. As the years went on, though, Sonic gradually slipped, making clumsy games with clumsy storylines. What, you didn’t want to see Sonic turn into a werewolf, or...make out with Final Fantasy foldouts?

(His phone rings again, and he checks it again)

NC: Oh, some of you didn’t. (Looks at phone again) I’m also required again to say that there is no DeviantArt in this video. (NC's phone beeps numerous amounts of times after that) Why do I suddenly have ten emails of inflated Sonics?!

NC (vo): Despite this, or maybe in light of this, Sonic has grown a very large fanbase online. His reputation is...odd, to say the least. But just because I don’t understand something doesn’t mean it’s bad. And I'm gonna take a wild guess and say there's stranger things online.

(Once again, NC's phone rings, and he checks it)

NC: Why shouldn’t I Google Kaa from The Jungle Book? I see no reason why not- (gets horrified) OH, GOD! (puts the phone away) Okay, we’re getting off-topic!

NC (vo): My point is, people have been asking me to review Sonic media for years, but all I've gotten up to is the Sonic SatAM show, and I haven't really seen any of the new shows or played many of the new games after that.

NC: But then somebody brought up that there's a Sonic movie! (The upcoming 2019 Sonic the Hedgehog movie's IMDb page is shown) No, not that one. (The poster for the Sonic 2013 fan short is shown) Not that one either. Though I hear the Forest G.U.N. Soldier is very good in that.

NC (vo): I'm talking about the anime OVA.

(The title screen is shown, before going to the movie's clips)

NC (vo): Premiering in Japan in 1996, this got a video release in America in 1999. Though not even an hour long, all the advertisements clearly label it as the Sonic the Hedgehog movie. So, I guess it counts. Does it lure newcomers in the mix? Does it please diehard loyalists? Is there room for my fan character "Nosonic Critic?" (The drawn Sonic wearing NC's hat and red tie is shown)

NC: ...When in Rome. Let’s take a look at the Sonic the Hedgehog OVA movie!

(We start with the SEGA logo appearing in silence)

NC (vo): Oh, come on. They don’t even have the singers going...

Singers: SEEEGAAA!

NC: Although, I suppose if we updated it, it’d be...

NC (vo; as the singers): Son of a biiiiitch! (Sonic and Mario are shown with the Nintendo Switch logo)

(The opening of the movie shows a blue, hedgehog-shaped mecha being constructed)

NC (vo): As the credits roll, we see Metal Sonic seems to have been built by Dr. Wily. I mean, Robotnik. I mean, Eggman. I mean-

NC: You know what? Dr. Wily! This is all just a furry version of Megaman! Think about it!

NC (vo): Small blue hero (Sonic and Megaman are shown) stops big mustache scientist (Dr. Eggman/Robotnik and Dr. Wily) who takes over robots, (Animals in robot prisons, and the Robot Masters) has a dog, (Tails and Rush) a girl, (Amy and Roll) and a ton of sequels people hate. (Multiple media of Sonic and Megaman)

NC: You laugh! (points to head) I ponder.

(We see the camera showing the beach with a dump of crashed airplanes in the center of it. Sonic the Hedgehog is shown relaxing on the beach chair, and Miles "Tails" Prower comes to him)

NC (vo): We cut to Sonic who resides in…an area of activity...where Tails, his sidekick/child/adult/fiction is off to use his surfboard.

Tails: Come on! You want to try it out?

Sonic: Not right now, thanks. (Tails leaves) Tails is just like a little kid with his new toy.

NC: (as Sonic) I bet a lot of you thought he was a little kid. Let me unconfuse this by explaining nothing.

NC (vo): Oh, and I mean nothing. There are no intros for anyone. We're just supposed to already know who everyone is and what their characteristics are.

(Old Man Owl arrives in a crashing rocket)

Old Man Owl: Hi, Sonic! I have some news for you!

Sonic: Oh, not that old man again…

NC: I mean, owl scientists and rocket ships clearly explain themselves.

NC (vo): At the very least, you could throw in some Looney Tunes introductions. Even something as little as this could help.

(As Sonic runs across a cliff, the screen freezes to show his Latin description a la Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner. Sonic is Franchisicus Clumsicus. Cut to Tails, who tried to rescue Old Man Owl by himself, screaming as the rocket crashes. The screen freezes, and Tails is shown as Dumbassas Indistressas. Sonic curls up into a spin dash, and rushes on over to Tails and Old Man Owl, right as the rocket explodes)

NC: Wow. Even shorter than I thought.

(Cut to the beginning of the credits to Sonic SatAM. Back to the movie, Sonic puts Tails and Old Man Owl on the ground)

NC (vo): No, Sonic saves the both of them, as the owl scientist lets Sonic know that he's needed.

Tails: Did you say you had some urgent business?

Old Man Owl: Oh, right. It’s a real emergency. You see, the President…

NC: Why do I feel like they came up with the owl's voice the same day they recorded it?

Old Man Owl: What are you talking about, Mr. Sonic? I know how to handle them.

NC: (as the producer, offscreen) You’re recording the owl scientist, go!

NC: I thought I was just delivering blow.

NC: (as the producer, offscreen) You’re a voice actor now! Go!

NC: Um… (Oldish voice) Hi, Sonic! I'm an owl!

NC: (as the producer, offscreen) Hmm, you've done this before.

NC: Questioning my life choices? Yes.

Sonic: He wants us to come to the presidential house right away.

Owl Scientist: That’s it! That’s it!

Sonic: You know, it might have been easier if you just called to tell us that.

NC: (as Old Man Owl) I mean, do we have phones? We don't seem to have clothes that cover our genitalia. Are we really just advanced nudists?

(It is shown that Dr. Robotnik is now residing in some sort of the White House, and Sonic and Tails confront him)

NC (vo): But either a drunk Teddy Roosevelt is president, or Robotnik has taken over.

NC (vo; as Robotnik; channeling Dr. Nick Riviera from The Simpsons): Hi, everybody! (as Sonic and Tails) Hi, Robotnik!

Robotnik: Please accept a small token of my gratitude.

(Cut to the real President and his daughter Sara being held hostage by Robotink's robots)

Mr. President: Stop! Sonic, for the sake of my daughter and everyone else, listen to him!

NC (vo): It seems Robotnik has the President and his daughter captured, which is usually the third act of a movie, and not usually the first couple minutes.

Robotnik: Now, Sonic, I've got the upper hand. This is about the entire planet of freedom, so you better do as I say.

NC: Ohh, so kidnapping the President was just an attention getter. Sonic must be a real asshole!

(According to Robotnik, a giant mecha named Metal Robotnik has exiled him from his utopian city of Robotropolis and sabotaged the Robot Generator, which will explode in less than a day)

NC (vo): Actually, I'm not too far off. Robotnik says he actually needs help because a robotic version of him took over his lair, and a generator of energy has to be stopped before it blows up the world. Our dickhead of a hero could care less.

Sonic: Forget about it. Why should I have to go around cleaning up your messes?

Robotnik: (getting a needle out) Fine! Don't blame me when this happens!

(He stabs the hologram version of the planet, which blows up with a "BAN!" caption)

NC: I thought it was nice that...

(The scene is replayed with the picture of Adam West's Batman delivering a kick with "POW" sound effect caption)

NC (vo): ...they gave those dyslexic Batman sound effects a home.

Mr. President: Sonic, please do it!

NC (vo): We find out quickly, though, that everyone's kind of a taint in this universe.

Sara: Sonic, I don't care what happens to Robotnik or Daddy, but please, just do this for the two of us.

NC: Wow. First thing, bitch. Second thing, are you two an item now?

(Sonic’s ending with Princess Elise the Third in Sonic the Hedgehog 2006 game is shown)

NC (vo): They tried that in another game. The results were…ewwy.

Sonic: Nice smile! (Elise smiles)

NC (vo; as Elise): I’m working through things! Dark things.

(Sonic reluctantly agrees to help Robotnik)

NC (vo): Sonic agrees for...whatever disturbed relationship he has with Sara, and Robotnik gives Tails a watch to get him to his lair.

Robotnik: ...using the shortest and fastest route.

Tails: Thank you, Robotnik.

NC: (as Robotnik) Don’t thank me, just blow your nose! You sound like a constipated Simpson child.

(Sonic and Tails are shown flying in the latter's plane, the Tornado)

Sonic: Tails, do you actually trust that ridiculous little gadget that Robotnik built for you?

Tails: But Dr. Robotnik is the only person who knows where Robotropolis is, so we have to use his navigator and hope it works!

NC: (chuckles) Wow. That was probably the most anime line delivery this movie's had yet.

NC (vo; as Tails): I’m just going to say words until I run out of words, and that these words are going to stop being words, words.

Sonic: I guess so.

(Back in the President's office, Robotnik and Sara are playing the video game on consoles that features the characters who look like them)

NC (vo): Confusingly, back with the President, the video game characters are playing video game characters.

Robotnik: Just give up! We've played a hundred times!

Sara: (teasingly) I'll stop being your hostage.

Robotnik: (exhausted) All right, start it again.

NC: (poker-faced) Okay, one of us is an idiot.

NC (vo): We then cut back to Tails and Sonic.

(Sonic and Tails are shown flying...and saying nothing. After that...cut to Robotnik and Sara again)

NC (vo): Thank God we did that. Back to video games!

Sara: No, no! You beat me again!

(Suddenly, something crashes through the floor and into the ceiling of the President's office)

NC (vo): Apparently, one of Robotnik’s pods drop in, and both Sara and Robotnik hop in.

Robotnik: Sara, that's no good!

(Sara and Robotnik both leave the office in the pod. Mr. President yells as one of the robot minions is shown holding up a sign that literally says, "Goodbye Sara!!")

Mr. President: No! Stop! Come back, Sara!

(NC stares, baffled. The sign is shown again. NC continues staring, but the camera cuts closer to him. Back to the sign...and back to the NC)

NC: I just want to make sure...we are high right now, right?

NC (vo): Sonic and Tails come across some tough winds and end up crashing.

(The Tornado crash-lands onto the ground. Cut to a scene from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)

Henry Jones: Nice landing.

Indiana Jones: Thanks.

(Arriving in the Land of Darkness, Sonic and Tails evade the traps along their way to Robotropolis)

NC (vo): They run through all the traps laid out for them and free the animals inside the robots like in the game- (Sonic destroys a Crawlton, but no animal comes out of the robot) Or just disembowel them!

NC: We'll just...assume they used to be bad.

NC (vo): They get to Robotropolis after crossing some ancient relics...indicating that Sonic the Hedgehog takes place in our current future?

NC: Finally! The Adventure Time crossover we never knew we wanted and we wish stayed that way!

Sonic: We should hurry!

(The lightning crackles, scaring Tails into holding onto Sonic)

Tails: AHHH! I’M AFRAID OF LIGHTNING!

NC (vo; as Sonic): He-he. Tails always act like a kid when there's lightning. But, apparently, he isn't. I don’t know. (normal) But Metal Robotnik appears to try and stop them.

(Metal Robotnik phases in and out each time Lightning strikes, laughing evilly every time he phases in)

NC: (as Metal Robotnik) Well, I thought it was funny. Hell, I'm gonna do it again. (Laughs evilly) The levels, it works on so many of them.

Metal Robotnik: Come here! (He shoots at the two, as they take cover)

Sonic: We don't have time to mess around with some robot!

NC: That's...literally all you do. Does Sonic play Sonic games?

NC (vo): He [Metal Robotnik] grows a rocket pack, and…wings....

(NC shrugs, baffled again)

NC (vo): ...and tries to hunt them down.

Metal Robotnik: Don’t think you're safe yet. I'm well aware that neither one of you can swim!

NC: (as Metal Robotnik) Or...maybe you can. You just play really anxiety-provoking music whenever you're about to drown.

(The scene from the video game is shown, showing Sonic running through the underwater segment of Aquatic Ruin Zone, with the countdown ticking, accompanied by the infamous drowning music)

NC: (as Metal Robotnik) My butthole still clenches every time I hear that!

(Sonic and Tails were about to sneak away from under the bridge, after fooling Metal Robotnik, but he caught on fast)

Metal Robotnik: You didn't think I'd fall for a stupid trick like that, did you?!

(Literally, he starts shooting glue projectiles at them from his ass, as Sonic and Tails run away)

NC: Okay, am I seeing that wrong, or is he...

NC (vo): ...shitting bullets on them? That must be some devilish Taco Bell you had earlier!

(The picture of Metamucil appears like it's a commercial with the caption NC says)

NC (vo; as the announcer): Metamucil: You'll be shitting bullets for a week. (normal) He fires missiles as well to totally eradicate Sonic.

(Said missiles chase Sonic, ending with a gigantic explosion, engulfing the city)

Tails: There's no way you've could have gotten rid of Sonic that easily with those missiles.

NC: Easily? The end of Akira...

NC (vo): ...didn’t have an explosion that big!

NC: They would call him the Blue Blur because that's what he would look like just standing there! (The picture of Sonic, who looks charred, is shown)

(Knuckles the Echidna arrives, wearing a fedora)

NC (vo): Sonic does survive, for...reasons, and Knuckledile Dundee comes in to help out.

Knuckles: Sonic, grab a hold! (Knuckles grabs onto Sonic and hurls him towards Metal Robotnik)

Sonic: There!

(Sonic is able to pierce through Metal Robotnik)

NC (vo; as Metal Robotnik): Asshole! My unborn child! Oh, the robanity!

(Metal Robotnik is destroyed after that last attack. The real Robotnik and Sara appear in a pod, landing in the water)

NC (vo): Robotnik and Sara arrive, though, as Robotnik claims Sonic will have more to worry about.

Robotnik: He'll have to fight something far more evil than Metal Robotnik.

(Sara suddenly whacks Robotnik on the head in anger)

Sara: What do you mean, worse than Metal Robotnik?! You better keep your hands off my Sonic, or I'll never forgive you!

NC: Okay, does "my Sonic" mean hedgehog or hedge? 'Cause, either way, I'm very disturbed.

(We go to a commercial break. After that, we cut to Robotropolis, where Sonic, Tails and Knuckles are trying to enter it, while they are bombarded by robotic animals)

NC (vo): So Sonic, Tails and Knuckles get to Robotropolis, where they come across...

(A robotic snail with wheels and laser cannons in its shell drives up the wall)

NC (vo): Okay, even by Sonic designs, that's lazy. Speaking of which, does Robotnik had to incorporate his face into everything? Seriously, wouldn't that get in the way of the function after a while?

(We see an energy generator that has, indeed, Robotnik's face on it. We also cut to the city loosing its energy, that also has a big glowing face of Robotnik on top of it)

NC (vo; as Robotnik): I want my face on that machine! (As an engineer) Well, we can paint it on, and... (as Robotnik) No! My mustache has to be the gears and my eyes, the measuring rods! (as the engineer) But that compromises the efficiency. A blue hedgehog could easily destroy it. (as Robotnik, while the machine gets destroyed by Sonic) Evil must look beautiful! (as the engineer) Okay, you're the face of the company. (as Robotnik) And the company's my face!

(The machine gets destroyed, as an energy field appears on its place which contains Metal Sonic)

NC (vo): They come across Metal Sonic, who now has Sonic's abilities which were copied while he was in that machine. Metal Sonic, I'll admit, to look at him, is actually kind of intimidating. Though, granted, he's designed like an Evangelion Marvin the Martian.

NC (vo; as Metal Sonic): Your planet's blocking of Venus results in termination. Isn't that lovely? Mmm? (normal) But Robotnik and Sara arrive on the scene.

(Robotnik's ship crashes and once the clouds have lifted, we see Sara holding down Robotnik with both of them grunting. The way it is presented to us: Sara showing her behind to the camera)

Sonic: Sara!

NC: (his face rests in his hand, disinterested) That part was rewound.

Sonic: So what about this plot, Robotnik?

(Robotnik laughs and mocks them)

NC: (smiling and nodding) Way to keep it classy, Robotnik.

Robotnik: You came all the way here, and now you'll die here. I'm going to use Metal to destroy the real Sonic, and then I can completely destroy the Land of the Sky!

Sara: What did you say?!

NC (vo): So I'm...not sure why he made that fake mission to defeat Sonic when he already had him and the President in perfect executable positions, but...now Metal Sonic is after him.

(Sonic tries to run away from Metal Sonic (MS), but he catches up easily, tackles him in the back, causing Sonic to fall. Then MS's neon pink silhouette is seen, slowly moving sideways and grabbing Sonic's leg while he falls)

NC: (as Sonic) He has the power...

NC (vo; as Sonic): ...to turn into 80's music videos. I can't hear Take On Me again!

(We then cut to Sonic standing on the peak of a mountain before MS catches up to him, floating directly in front of a shocked Sonic, upside down. MS then extends one of his legs, spins on his own axis and kicks Sonic with a swift kick from the mountain)

NC: (throwing his hands up) The robot did The Robot. That's mecha meta.

(MS scans for Sonic's life signs, but cannot find any, coming to the conclusion, shown as cartoon figures, that Sonic is defeated and killed)

NC: (looks saddened) I'm not a scientist! I cannot understand that technical jargon!

Robotnik: (In an Egg-O-Matic with Sara) Looks like that's it. (Gets tears in his eyes and starts a creepy laughter, while Sara looks in disbelief)

NC: (steps back) Whoa. Does Robotnik have a "Muppet Satan" setting?

Robotnik: (still laughing with a creepy expression) Sonic will never again be a pain in my egg!

NC: (as Robotnik) Wait, am I called Eggman yet? (waves his hand) Oh, who cares? The parents kind of get it.

(Cut to the opening beach, where Old Man Owl is lying in Sonic's deck chair)

NC (vo): Metal Sonic also has plans for Sonic's friends back home.

(We see MS standing in the shadows, to confuse Old Man Owl)

Old Man Owl: Ah, Master Sonic, I wasn't expecting you back so soon. (MS comes closer with his eyes glowing intensively) Wait. What are you doing?! STOOOOOOP! (Fades to black, while MS interface is still active)

NC: (solemnly) Not even the Owlings survived.

(Cut to the Land of the Sky being attacked by Dr. Robotnik)

NC (vo): So Robotnik starts his...um, second attack on the President's home.

The President: (inner thoughts) Could this be the work of Metal Robotnik?

NC: Well, with three fourths in, might as well have an inner monologue with a character so secondary you could call him quaternary.

NC (vo): But it looks like Metal Sonic didn't destroy the owl, and instead turned him into a painful reminder of when this was made.

Old Man Owl: (dressed as a skater with head phones and a skateboard) He forced me to put on these clothes and then flew away without saying anything. Huhuhuhuhuhuh.

NC: (as Old Man Owl) I suddenly want to Extreme Capri Sun Ski Dive Good Burger. Anyone else?

NC (vo): And, since there's no better time...

(Robotnik is suddenly wearing a blue tux with a red bowtie, while Sara is wearing a dress with a far too short skirt, a big bow on her bag and a hat with flowers on it)

Robotnik: We'll be the only ones left. Then we can get married.

Sara: (first pondering, then grabbing and shaking him angrily) Are you crazy?! I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on Earth!

NC: (as Robotnik, confused) But I will be the last man on Earth. (brushes it off) Oh, who cares? Everyone knows the reason I gave you that dress is because it's an anime and we are in the third act, we need upskirt options.

(MS crashes into the bottom of the air ship, directly in front of Sara, who kicks at him in panic and embarrassment. And, as NC says, the camera is holding on her as it is trying to get an upskirt shot, but that is prevented by Sara holding her skirt over her crotch)

Sara: No, no, no! Don't look there, you pervert!

NC: (surprised by that angle) I'll give credit, that's the most...imaginative way I've seen that done.

(Tails is ramming MS, who is fighting Sonic again (yeah, surprise, he is not dead))

Robotnik: (Pointing at Tails) You're a perfect target for me now, fox!

(Cut to the most obvious gag here: Falco from Star Fox 64)

Falco Lombardi: Enemy fighters coming at you, Fox.

Robotnik: Fire!

(He fires a rabbit missile and a turtle missile, giving a start sign by a robo-pig. Without surprise, the rabbit missile blasts ahead and destroys the plane)

NC (vo; as the rabbit missile): Pika-boom, asshole!

(The plane explodes with a blast that looks like Dr. Robotnik's head)

Robotnik: Yes!

NC (vo): Okay, even the smoke debris has his face?! He practically could have killed Sonic with a hedgehog-seeking missile years ago, but couldn't find a way to work his ugly mug onto it!

(Sara falls through the sky, still holding her far too short skirt down, but before she hits the ground, she gets saved by Knuckles, who holds her with her legs to the camera in a way that we can't see under her skirt)

NC (vo): Knuckles and Tails save Sara, but, big shock, things get sexually awkward.

(All three of them are in a snowball, crushing against an ice wall, but all of them stay unharmed. When the debris lifted, we see Tails holding on to Sara's breasts. Sara doesn't seem to mind that, as she looks neither ashamed nor displeased with that)

Knuckles: Tails! Get off!

Tails: (ashamed) I'm so sorry.

(Sara puts her hands on her breasts, still looking unfazed by that. Who is affected by that, however, is NC, who now looks at that with a mixture of disturbance and shock)

Knuckles: I never thought you'd stoop that low!

(NC still has the expression from before we cut to John Grogan (Owen Wilson) from Marley and Me)

John Grogan: Wow!

NC: (loses his shocked expression) Well, can't act like I'm shocked that I have to play this.

(He snaps his fingers and we cut to The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog's "Sonic Says", where Sonic gives us daily advice)

Sonic (Jaleel White): Kids, there's nothing more cool than being hugged by someone you like, but if someone tries to touch you in a place or in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, that's no good.

NC: (holding a imaginary gun on his belt) I was like a cowboy with a gun holster with that clip.

(Sonic and MS, while still fighting, crash into the ground, causing it to crack at a wide scale)

NC (vo): But Sonic and Metal Sonic continue to fight.

Tails: Knuckles, stop the magma!

Knuckles: (hesitating) Er...I don't know.

Sara: Would you try it for me, brave man? (kisses Knuckles on his cheek, and he turns more red than he already is)

NC: (as Sara) Would you so it for a Sara Snack?

Knuckles: (salutes) Right! Yes, ma'am! (speeds off as Sara waves to him, giggling)

NC: (chortles) How come they're not freezing to death?

(MS grabs Sonic by his throat and strangles him. Sara gets mad and punches MS, even climbing on him, without any effect)

NC (vo): Everybody tries to help Sonic out, and- SHE IS SITTING ON HIS FACE!

NC: What the hell, Japan?! You were giving kids no chance to have a normal sex life!

(The Marley and Me clip is shown again)

John Grogan: Wow!

(MS lets go of Sonic and starts emitting sparks, unable to control himself. A ship with the President and Old Man Owl inside it flies past overhead and crashes into the ice bridge. They try to open the cockpit, but it seems to be stuck)

NC (vo): They knock out Metal Sonic, but then the President comes in to make things more complicated.

Sonic: (carried by Tails towards the ship) The President's timing couldn't be worse!

NC: I think that's what presidents specialize in.

(The battle between Sonic and the recovered MS continues. Knuckles sticks his head out of the ground to see what's going on and Sonic accidentally steps on it)

NC (vo): Tails tries to get the President out, while Metal Sonic gets back up and continues to fight.

(Knuckles growls and thumbs down)

NC: (gasps sarcastically) A thumbs down! In Japan, that's like...a thumbs down!

(MS drops the president and Old Man Owl. Then a large piece of the exploded ship hits the robot, and he falls down into the crater with the magma. Sonic jumps after him)

NC (vo): They get the President out, and Sonic ends up roasting the metal headache.

(MS slowly crawls upward, toward Sonic's outstretched hand. Obviously, we are shown a clip from Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith)

Obi-Wan Kenobi: You were the Chosen One!

Sonic: Grab a hold of my hand!

MS: There is only one Sonic. (slowly dissolves in the magma)

Sonic: No! METAL!!!

NC: (as Sonic) I...didn't realize that I loved him. (shakes both his fists to the sky) CONFUUUUSED!!

(Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Old Man Owl, the President and Sara proudly stand on the iceberg)

NC (vo): Well, we didn't learn jack shit.

Knuckles: (smacks Sonic on the back of his head) Not quite! So now we're finally even, Sonic. (runs off)

Sonic: Come back!

(Sonic and Tails chase Knuckles, as everybody else tries to get a hold of Sonic on the Egg-O-Matic behind him)

NC (vo): Because that's what it's all about. Repressed sexual aggression. Hey, I'd like to hear you make an argument for anything else!

(The movie's title appears with the letters of the word "SONIC" whooshing in, ending the film)

NC: Yeah, I wouldn't announce that so proudly. I'd be more like... (shrugs as the title appears again with a question mark) "Sonic?" Because, brother, this was weird!

(The film's clips are shown for the final time as NC lists his closing thoughts)

NC (vo): The animation is nice, as well as the backgrounds, but this is an overly complicated story with either too little character or too much presumption that we already know what these people are like. I guess I can't be...too angry at it, as it plays exactly like what it is: a giant commercial. It's not obnoxiously annoying and there's nothing offensive... (A scene of Tails groping Sara's breasts is shown briefly) ...ish, but it just feels empty and pointless. I can see some kids having fun with it, but for the fastest hedgehog alive, this could have been a lot more interesting and a lot more cool. Get on your running shoes and dash away from this as fast as possible.

NC: Or, as Sonic Says would say...

(Another "Sonic Says" clip is shown)

Sonic: First, you say no. Then, you get outta there! (speeds off)

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

(He gets up and leaves. The credits roll)

Channel Awesome tagline - John Grogan: Wow!

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