March 05, 2013
(We start off in H-E-Double Hockey Stick/the Burning Hells as the screams of the damned fill the air. Inside a red room is Satan (Malcolm Ray) looking at his phone before nodding to his assistant, who turns on the webcam to speak to his legions.)
Assistant: Minions of Hell, (that makes the minions turn to face the monitor) I give to you the one and only master. The Lord of Darkness, Satan.
(A thunder clap is heard as Satan goes to take his seat.)
Satan: My trembling subjects, for a while you've known that I kept the reveal of my daughter a secret. Well, no more. It's time for you to witness the true terror of the Antichrist. The horror of my offspring. The undeniable evil that will destroy what's left of your souls. (Another thunder clap) Behold, pitiful maggots, the fearsome face of darkness: Evilina.
(Coming in is Evilina (played by Rachel Tietz) wearing a tiara and a blue shirt with white polka dots.)
Evilina: (singing) ♪ My Little Pony! (showing a crayon drawing of Applejack and Rarity) I used to wonder what friendship could be! My Little Pony! Until you all shared its magic with me! ♪
(This leaves the minions confused.)
Assistant: Technical difficulties.
Evilina: Can I put it on the refrigerator? Please, please, please?
Satan: Be back in a few. (he goes to turn the camera off)
Evilina: ♪ My Little Pony! ♪
(And the camera goes off.)
Satan: My princess of pestilence, what's wrong with you? This isn't the little hellspawn I raised!
Evilina: Fluttershy loves you! (she drapes a pink feather boa over her daddy's shoulders)
Satan: What is this fecal matter you call Fluttershy? And what's all this talk about friendship and love and kindness?
Evilina: Friendship is magic, daddy!
(Camera zooms in on Satan's scared face before turning and pointing.)
Satan: Get me my wife on the phone!
(On Earth, we see someone trying to cut an apple with a pizza slicer. The woman's (also played by Rachel) phone rings and she picks it up.)
Woman: Hello, Kim Kardashian.
Satan: What in the Hell have you done to our daughter?!
Kim: Look, all I know is that all that TV you've been showing her has resulted in her spinning her head and puking ecto cooler.
Satan: That's what she's supposed to do! She's the seed of evil!
Kim: So I decided to show her some more age appropriate programming. Like My Little Pony.
Kim: Care Bears.
Kim: Dora the Explorer.
Satan: Okay, that's not too bad.
Kim: And Thomas the Tank Engine.
Satan: (disgusted) YOU WHORE OF NO VIRTUE! One more outbreak like this and I'll take away your artificial husband.
Kim: Actually, that's fine. I think the one you gave me is broken. (looking at her phone, there's a picture of Kanye West on it)
Satan: Oh, no matter. It'll take something much more potent to get our little girl back to normal.
Kim: Like what?
Satan: Oh, I created something long ago. A children's film so frightening and so disturbed that no child could watch it without being scarred for life. Bring me... Son of the Mask.
Kim: I got rid of it.
Satan: (shocked) What?!
Kim: It got a bit too scary for her, so I threw it into the human world.
Satan: CERBERUS' NINE BALLS! YOU THREW IT INTO THE HUMAN WORLD?! Mankind is not ready for something so depraved. God help the poor soul who comes across that nightmare sadism.
Kim: Don't worry. I put it somewhere where nobody would look. (She gives a sinister smile.)
(And of course, finding the DVD is...the Nostalgia Critic, who pulls it out of a garbage can.)
NC: Well, if it's in a public garbage can, it must be worth reviewing.
(And now we come to our opening!)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. We all remember the mid-90s comedy, The Mask.
(Clips from The Mask play)
NC (vo): One of the first films to work in the growing popularity of computer effects with a more cartoony nature as opposed to threatening. It was a decent flick, with the Mask character for the kids and Jim Carrey's straight man routine for the adults. And on top of that, it made a lot of money. So much so that a sequel had been in the works for eons. It was mentioned in interviews...
(Footage from a Jim Carrey interview by Barbara Walters is shown.)
Barbara Walters: 10 million dollars...
Jim Carrey: For doing The Mask II.
NC (vo): ...online forums, there was even a Nintendo Power contest for it. Yeah, didn't that turn out to be a great prize! Wait years later for a contest you forgot you entered to get dragged to a set that has no Jim Carrey, no Cameron Diaz. Even the dog I think was freaking dead by this point!
NC: But, hey, at least we have Randy from Scream! (beat) Here's your refund. [holds up a couple $20 bills in his right hand]
(Clips of Son of the Mask play)
NC (vo): Where The Mask had a leaning towards kids and adults, Son of the Mask is most definitely a kids film. Even the advertisements show pretty much nothing but the dog and baby scenes. But it's not only a half-assed sequel without half the asses of the original cast, it's a downright strange, freaky little drive into someone's poisoned outlook as to what family entertainment is. It's a miserable experience that I'm sure you'll want to see me go through.
NC: Well, if I'm going, (leans close into the camera) I'M TAKING YOU WITH ME! Run Son of the Mask!
(Sounds of a movie projector start to roll as the movie begins.)
NC (vo): So we start in Edge City, where the first film left off. We enter a museum that literally has the only cast member from the last movie, Ben Stein. And seriously, was it even worth getting him? It's like making (logo of...) Ghostbusters 3 and the only cast member you bring in (scene of Egon talking to a possessed Louis) is the lamp (arrow pointing at the lamp in the room) from scene 22. Though, to be fair, the lamp would give a much more stunning performance than Stein.
Tourist: Who's that ugly guy?
Dr. Arthur Neuman (Ben Stein): That's Loki, Norse god of mischief. And Loki's ultimate tool of mischief was this. (shows the mask in the display case) The Mask.
NC (vo): So just as he's talking about Loki, what a coinkydink! Loki himself appears, played by Alan Cumming...
Loki: This is a fake!
Neuman: Yes, but it's a good fake. (Loki throws the mask at him and he reacts in deadpan.) Ow.
NC (vo): And you're about to see the number one problem with this film.
(Loki then makes Neuman's face pop off his head.)
Neuman: Wh...what are you doing?
NC (vo): This is one of many "shit-your-pants" disturbing images. Granted, anything dismembering Ben Stein is usually a plus, but I'd rather be able to watch it as opposed to run out of the theater in my urine soaked khakis. So the real Mask is in the river just outside of Fringe City...which is so similar to Edge City, you'll be asking yourself, "Why the fuck didn't they just keep it in Edge City?"...and is picked up by the not-dog from the first movie. Yet looks so identical to him so that the kids can see the trailer and say, "Oh, look! Even the Jack Russell Terrier wanted more money than they were willing to shell out!" But thankfully, they found other performers who were willing to take less. Like Jamie Kennedy, who I swear has set his acting to "permanent nasally whine."
Tim Avery (Jamie Kennedy): [various scenes] I know you're upset, okay?/Slow down, you know I can't run and apologize at the same time./Can I ask you one question?/Look at all this stuff./I can't go as this.
NC (vo): Even when he's talking normal, it sounds like he's whining.
Tim: [various scenes] Honey, come here./Because?/They say, "what does your daddy do?"/Who's a fish?
NC (vo): On top of that, he falls into that common category of badly written characters of the overreacting man-child who never listens, never cares, and yet somehow gets an over-understanding, bland, underwritten hot chick (shows clips of Tim's wife Tanya, played by Traylor Howard, better known as Natalie Teeger from Monk). Why, just look at what goes through his mind when somebody says "baby."
(Cut to his imagination where a nurse is holding a baby.)
Nurse 1: It's a boy.
Nurse 2: And a girl!
(Suddenly babies keep popping out. As they're presented to him, they grow vampire fangs.)
NC: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop right there! There's the poster for your movie! That'll get the kids coming in.
(A freezeframe of the vampire babies is shown with the words "Son of the Mask: A FAMILY Picture")
Announcer: Come see Son of the Mask! A FAMILY picture!
[Cut back to reality, where Tim talks with his wife.]
Tim: I'm not saying I don't wanna have a baby. I'm just saying I don't want a baby right now.
NC (vo): So while Jamie doesn't want to spend all that time and attention on a kid, (showing Tim playing with Otis) like he CLEARLY fucking does for his dog! Seriously, even Gromit doesn't have as much dog related shit in his room! We get our first look at--(suddenly the scene transitions through Otis' eyes) WHAT THE HELL?!
NC (vo): Rip Yosemite Sam Winkle! Actually, that's Bob Hoskins as Odin. Probably thankful for his retirement whenever he pops this movie in.
Odin: That Mask has caused enough mischief and malfeasance among the mortals. This is your mess, and you will clean it up!
*Note: The following joke is exclusive to the Blip website.*
(The scene is dubbed with audio from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.)
God: Arthur, King of the Britons. Your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
Arthur: Good idea, O Lord.
God: Course it's a good idea!
NC (vo): So Jamie works at an animation studio, which happens to be hosting a Halloween party. Seeing how his costume got ruined, he grabs the Mask his dog found and I'll give you one sanity tormenting guess what happens.
(A leg stretches out from the door before Tim as the Mask comes in, his face all green and his orange hairdo looking more like wood than hair.)
NC (vo): Oh, my God! It's like they made DNA syrup out of the Jolly Green Giant and Conan O'Brien!
[To lighten up the party, Tim as the Mask goes onstage and starts to perform a dance number.]
Tim/Mask: (singing) ♪ This is the part where you boogie. This is the part where you dance! ♪
NC (vo): So he tortuously lightens up the party.
Tim/Mask: (singing) ♪ At long last love has arrived, I thank God I'm alive, you're too good to be true. Can't take my eyes...Can't take my eyes off of you. Yo! ♪
NC: So, it'd be one thing if he stuck his STD ridden dick...
NC (vo): ...in just one musical style, but this asshole decides to ruin not two, not three, not four, but five different musical styles! And each one is worse than the last.
Tim/Mask: (singing in country style) ♪ I love you, baby. ♪ (switches to pop/rap) ♪ You're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off you. ♪
NC (vo): Okay, can you just tell everybody to take five steps back away from the wide angle lens?!
NC: 'Cause you can't really enjoy the choreography (moves close to the camera) WHEN YOUR FACE IS THIS CLOSE TO THE CAMERA!!
Tim/Mask: (singing) ♪ Too... good... to... ♪
NC: [Still close to the camera and mocking Tim/Mask] Oh, yeah! Can't you see all the dancers behind me?! Aren't they great?!
Tim/Mask: (singing) ♪ At long last love has arrived, I thank the Lord I'm alive-- ♪
NC (vo): God, it looks like an alien horse trying to French (kiss) me! (clip from the original Mask) At least the first Mask knew Jim Carrey's face was scary enough from a distance. It didn't need to face-hump the camera every chance it got!
[The song reaches its climax, with various partygoers dancing alongside Tim as the Mask.]
Tim/Mask: (singing) ♪ I love you baby, and if it's quite alright... ♪
NC (vo): My God! It's still going! I swear, this thing goes on for what feels like a fucking eternity! And it just keeps getting worse and worse!
(As the song continues playing, NC picks up the phone wanting to dial someone, but hangs up. He tries to refrain himself, but can't take it anymore and answers the phone. And that person is...)
Vanilla Ice: Hello, this is Vanilla Ice.
NC: SAVE THIS MOVIE!
Tim/Mask: This is the part where you boogie! This is the part where you dance!
(The song finally ends.)
NC (vo): So Mutant Ninja Archie goes home, gets in bed with his wife, and makes...
NC: As Cuban Pete would put it...
(Cut to a clip of Jim Carrey's Mask dancing to Cuban Pete to distract police officers from the original movie.)
Jim Carrey's Mask: (shaking his ass) Chick, chicky boom, chick, chicky boom!
NC (vo): And it turns out the next day, the boss of the studio, played by Steven Wright--Yeah, I can't wait to see the excitement he brings to the role--says he wants to make a cartoon series based on his character.
Daniel Moss (Steven Wright): This has potential. I mean, not to be crass about it, but this guy...this could be a franchise character.
NC (vo): (as Steven Wright) Granted, we don't make a shitty sequel after the first one.
Moss: I think we could do something with this. This has that spark I was looking for.
NC: Yeah, I'm talking about a cartoon series that has Rob Paulsen as most of the characters and will focus on slapstick humor that should be funny but will mostly come off as just awkward. (a picture of the Mask: Animated Series DVD cover is shown on the upper left) A short-lived cartoon series.
NC (vo): But his wife has some big news, too.
Tonya: I think I might be...
[The film jump-cuts to a doctor giving Tim and Tonya the news.]
NC (vo): And if you think Bella's pregnancy was freaky, take a look at this shit.
(Tim is looking at the ultrasound showing his baby in his wife's belly. Suddenly the baby starts dancing to the song "Le Freak", as well as shaking maracas to the song, "Cuban Pete".)
Baby: ♪ When I play the maracas I go: Chick, chicky boom, chick, chicky boom! ♪
(Soon as Tonya turns, the baby goes back to fetal position.)
NC (vo): And half her insides would be powder, but let's not ruin this potentially unfunny joke.
[The film cuts to Tim and Tonya's baby being born.]
Nurse: It's a boy!
NC (vo): But the big day comes and Jamie says "Hi!" to his happy little accident.
Tim: I'm your dad!
[And the baby starts crying. We then zoom into the baby's mouth for more Odin, freaking out NC.]
NC: Does Odin just live in remarkably awkward segues?
(We're then treated to a segue from Austin Powers which segues to Odin, scaring NC again.)
NC (vo): So Odin possesses the body of another person and tells Loki that a child has been born from the Mask.
Odin: Find the baby, and you will find the Mask.
NC (vo): And in the charming world of show-no-passage-of-time land, the baby has now grown older, and has even picked up a few tricks from...I don't know, the Mask's wooden DNA?
NC: I mean, if this is like I get a woman pregnant while (pulling his hat down) wearing a hat, they're gonna have special hat powers?
(Baby Alvey watches his mother blow a balloon in front of him. He blows on his thumb and his head inflates like a balloon. Cut to NC smiling; his eyes widen as he proceeds to scream.)
(Several times, we cut back to Alvey continuing to inflate his head, then back to NC who is leaning back in his chair, still screaming.)
(Back to Alvey who stops after Tonya releases the balloon.)
(NC stops screaming and clears his throat, but then starts screaming again. His scream is heard all the way down in Hell where Satan's smiling.)
Satan: That's my music! My movie's been found!
(He teleports to his house where Evilina's on a Skype call.)
Evilina: Fluttershy's the cutest!
(And her chat partner is CR.)
CR: Oh, how original. No, it's clearly Rainbow Dash.
Satan: Get out of there. Where do you find these people?
CR: Is that your dad? Tell him I blame him for that shitty abomination of a third season!
Evilina: Dad, CR blames you for the entire third--(Satan cuts the connection, then pushes the chair she's in) Where are we going?
Satan: Come on, I'm gonna show you an evil worse than Hasbro.
(And we go to commercial break)
(As soon as we get back, NC is still screaming his lungs out before he finally stops and inhales.)
NC: Let's try this again.
(The balloon scene comes on. NC quickly pushes the fast forward button and goes to the next scene.)
NC (vo): We cut to a scene where Loki is trying to find the baby, disguised as a--
(Loki is in the form of a green bee as scary music is added. NC screams again.)
NC: AAAAAAAAAAAA-- (slaps himself) Okay, okay, we're getting through this!
NC (vo): A creepy...goddamn, scary-looking concoction of Hell! I mean, guys, seriously. This is an appealing image for kids? It's like the Statue of Liberty sneezed out the Honey Nut Cheerios bee!
(Loki stings a nurse to cause her to leave, before taking over the nurse's computer to find where the baby is. Cut to Tim being woken up in the night by Alvey crying.)
NC (vo): So while Jamie reads a book clearly the screenwriters didn't read ("Express Yourself Creatively"), we find it's not so easy when babies take care of babies.
(While in a sleepy daze, Tim grabs a lighthouse lamp instead of the bottle and breaks it over his arm. As he brings it close to Alvey, the baby's eyes bulge out in alarm, waking Tim up to see he has a broken lamp while Alvey quivers under the blanket.)
NC (vo): Aw, isn't that cute? He almost fed him broken glass. A common everyday mistake of your everyday likeable hero. Or even better, when the wife has to go out of town for a week for her job, the unbelievably likeable way he takes responsibility for his child.
Tim: Honey, take him.
Tonya: Bye! I love you!
Tim: Honey, take him. Honey, take him.
NC (vo; imitates Tim): I'm too busy being Zach Braff's unfunny clone. [Normal] But to be fair, it's not always easy looking after a demonic version of the E*Trade baby.
(Alvey jumps out of the playpen and then begins doing Michigan J. Frog's "Hello, My Baby" routine. NC just looks on with confusion and disgust. The routine also makes Tim shriek and fall off his chair.)
NC: Okay, let me tell you in great detail why this scene isn't funny. You see...
(Alvey then shakes his face and whoops at Tim before his head turns to Woody Woodpecker doing his signature laugh, then jumping in the air and making another cartoon face before running around the room on the wall. Each transition scares NC, the last one making him scream longer.)
NC (vo): Okay, seriously! What is with the imagery in this movie?! It's fucking terrifying! I mean, I forget; is this the sixth or seventh level of Hell? I haven't read Dante in a while, but I know this is in there! He couldn't have forgotten something as horrifying as this!
(Cut to an earlier scene with Tim trying to get Alvey to speak.)
Tim: Come on, say da-da.
Alvey: (in an obviously dubbed deep voice) Mother.
(That bit creeps NC out again.)
NC: (shudders in disgust)
NC (vo): Oh, while we're on the subject of scaring the shit out of people, you might be wondering, why is the baby so concerned about scaring his father to where his wide angle lens can't obnoxiously stretch any further? Well, it's because he wants him thrown in a mental hospital! Why?!
(NC shrugs with great confusion)
NC (vo): I don't know! I have no freaking idea! It's explained about as well as why the dog wants to kill the baby! Oh, yeah, did I forget to mention that? The dog gets the Mask, looks like an R. Crumb drawing of cancer, and tries to kill the baby! Now to its credit, they explain this a little bit by showing he wants to be the center of attention again, but, yeah, this comes out of nowhere, too! No buildup at all! (A shot of Otis looking at Alvey) Is the dog looking at the baby here supposed to symbolize that he doesn't like him? Is that what you were trying to convey? How would we guess that? Everything else is shot so weird and over-the-top that the only thing being conveyed is the night terrors you're gonna have tonight!
NC: Yeah, for a movie that doesn't know the definition of the word "subtle," you don't really explain these two things very well!
NC (vo): The dog wants to get rid of the baby. Why? Two second image of a cartoon...that actually looks more realistic than the effects you're throwing at us. Oh, and I'm not kidding. The effects when the dog is trying to get rid of the baby and the baby (sarcastic) so cleverly outwits him (normal) is some of the worst animation you'll ever see. I mean, (clip of dancing Sylvester from Baby Geniuses) worse than Baby Geniuses!
NC: I know I can't take that back, but I'm standing by my words! It looks worse than Baby Geniuses!
NC (vo): The Monty Python cartoons looked more three-dimensional! And Lord knows this could benefit from some British nudity. And once again, the images are creepy. They are so fucking creepy! It looks like every second it's on, the movie is trying to jump out and kill you! (Showing a shot of Alvey looking similar to the dead baby crawling on the ceiling from Trainspotting) Look at the baby's face. It looks like something Gollum threw up and animated! Oh, and speaking of which, here's another fun image. (Alvey slips a hook onto Otis' leash) Rather than have the eyes just stretch out like normal cartoon eyes do, (a winch goes on which then drags Otis out of the room) let's have them literally pop out of their skulls (like so!), leaving two black vacant holes where the most expressive part of the face should be! (A better shot of Otis' eyeless face is shown) Hang this picture over your baby's crib tonight!
("Son of the Mask: A family picture!" caption is shown along with Otis' eyeless face)
Announcer: A FAMILY Picture!
NC: It's scary! It's really scary! I mean, could this movie throw any more horrendous imagery at us?
(Just to answer him, we get Loki dressed up like a girl scout.)
Loki: Would you like some Thin Chocolate?
(Seeing that bit causes NC to take the DVD out of the player and throw it in the trash before hiding in the closet. He peeks out and sees the DVD there whispering evil things in an evil tongue, making his mouth quiver as the words get louder. An explosion is shown on the DVD before NC lets out a wide scream and calls for help.)
NC: (on the phone) Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't mean to call, but you're just the only decent good person I can think of to solve this and I...I think my DVD's possessed.
(The person he's calling is...Santa Christ, Santa Christ, we all love Santa Christ! His theme plays in the background.)
SC: Hoo ho ho. No, Critic. There are a lot of bad movies out there, I assure you. That doesn't necessarily mean it's possessed. Ho ho.
NC: But it's called Son of the Mask, and I just don't--
(Suddenly SC's theme stops.)
SC: *gasp!* Son of the Mask!
(He hangs up.)
NC: Hello? Hello?! (Suddenly, an arm reaches out from the closet, scaring NC before turning to see it's SC.)
SC: Is it secret? Is it safe?
(The DVD is thrown in a lit fireplace.)
NC: Santa Christ, what are you doing?
(SC shushes him before using tongs to pull the DVD out.)
SC: Hold out your hand, Critic. It's quite cool. (He drops it into NC's hands, which promptly burn them, making him throw the DVD on the floor.) Nope, maybe not. Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!
(The DVD's now on the dining room table.)
SC: This is the One DVD, forged in the fires of Hell, and now set loose upon the world. (NC comes to the table, both hands wrapped up as he carried a cold drink with his palms) One of two things must happen. Either you must return it to its master, or...you must finish watching it, all the way through.
(The DVD begins speaking evil words again.)
NC: Why don't you take it?
NC: I really want you to take it.
NC: Please take it.
(The two of them begin arguing over each other.)
SC: There is absolutely no way I'm touching it with a ten foot pole. What you're asking is impossible. I'm not listening anymore, la la la la la la la la.
NC: Just take it off my hands. It'd be wonderful if you could take it. I am giving it to you. Please take it off my hands, I'm sick of looking at it, it's brought me so much misery, I mean, there's not many words that can--
(SC grabs NC by his tie and pulls him close.)
SC: Don't tempt me, Critic! Understand, Critic, if you gave me this DVD, through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine.
NC: Wow, because it's so evil, it would totally consume you?
SC: No, it would just be really fun to use indiscriminately.
NC: You know, you've got a bit of a dark side.
SC: Critic, you must finish this DVD.
(NC turns away and sighs.)
NC: I wish this piece of shit had never come to me.
SC: Oh, so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for us to decide. You were meant to find the DVD, and therefore you were meant to suffer. Meant to go through the sort of incredible psychological pain that no force on Earth could match. That is a very encouraging thought.
NC: No! That's not a very encouraging thought! In fact, that's about as far away from an encouraging thought an encouraging thought could get.
SC: Well, that's all I got. Here, have Gremlins. (He takes out the DVD for the movie Gremlins before getting up to leave. Santa Christ, Santa Christ. We all love Santa Christ. NC's left alone in the dining room.)
NC: Thanks! Thanks a lot. Let me know if you wanna quote more Lord of the Rings anytime. (he puts the Gremlins case down) Why was he here?
(Back to the movie. Tim's attempting to change Alvey's diapers.)
NC (vo): So, Jamie tries something different for a change: actually being a good father, by at the very least changing the kid's diaper.
(The Blue Danube plays as Alvey lets out one long stream of pee that Tim tries to stop with the diaper. Now there's three streams of pee, one filling a cup in Tim's hand. NC can only quietly ask "What?" while the baby giggles. Tim takes a glass with q-tips, dumping them out to try to stem the tide of pee.)
NC: (now with eye bags, that are kept on his face throughout the remainder of the review) Why are you making me think about a baby with three penises? What twisted pigshit does that?!
(The three streams of pee stop...only to now have one BIG gush of pee hit Tim. Cue "A FAMILY Picture!" again.)
NC (vo): So Loki finally finds the baby and tries to force them to tell him where the Mask is.
(Loki's face is Mask green as he conjures a fireball.)
Loki: Prepare to feel my true power!
NC (vo): Once again, you really gotta admire his fashion sense. Must be a homage to when (KISS is shown with green face paint instead of white) KISS performed on St. Patrick's Day.
(Loki tosses a grenade at them. Alvey stretches out his hands and turns them into a shield, blocking the explosion.)
NC (vo): But it's okay, because the baby likes his dad now. Yep, right the fuck out of nowhere again with no goddamn explanation. And Odin possesses Jamie's body to tell Loki he's fed up.
Odin: (speaking through Tim's body) You are hereby stripped of your immortal powers and forever banished to the land of mortals.
(Odin then zaps Loki with a lightning bolt, leaving him charred and hair sticking out on end.)
NC (vo): So he's a mortal now, which doesn't add up because the baby does all this stuff (as in squishing Loki with two dumpsters) and he... survives it... somehow. But what makes even less sense is Loki is stripped of his powers just so he can convince Odin literally in two scenes later to give them back. Yeah, just two scenes later, it's like a couple minutes. Meaning there was no point to take the powers away, except to make the movie go even longer.
NC: Because, yeah, that's what I need. This freaky as fuck movie to go even longer! Let's celebrate with more creepy-ass imagery!
(Loki turns Betty's head into a huge nose.)
(Tonya is seen in the shadows.)
Tim: Is that you?
(Turns out it's Loki.)
Loki: No, you idiot.
(Alvey's put down and there's Loki's face again.)
Loki: Guess who?
(NC cowers in fear, covering his face.)
NC (vo): God, it's bad enough we have the Schwarzenegger baby from Junior!
NC: Can you imagine showing those two back to back? (He immediately regrets that choice of words) DON'T SHOW THOSE TWO BACK TO BACK!!
Arnold Baby/Loki Baby: MAMA!!/Guess who?
(NC is clutching his chest in pain as an alarm blares. The words "HEART ATTACK! Tap A quickly to take medication!" are flashing on top as NC smacks his desk in pain before grabbing a bottle of pills, emptying them on the desk and having to lean in to put them in his mouth before he can start calming down, the alarm going off. He then motions the movie to proceed.)
NC (vo): So Loki takes the kid, saying if he doesn't get the Mask back soon, he's keeping him. This leads to a delightful moment where Jamie thinks his wife returned home as Loki and thus beats the loving bajeezus out of her.
(Tim is smacking Tonya's head on the floor and strangling her while she screams his name. "A FAMILY Picture!")
NC (vo): So they find the Mask and decide to do a trade, but wouldn't you know it? In the less than three minutes of screen time, Loki decides he likes the kid now, and wants to keep him forever.
Loki: I can't let go, I've grown attached.
NC (vo): But the always popular crotch shot...
(Otis comes and bites Loki in the crotch. NC just shrugs.)
NC (vo): ...gets the Mask out of his hands and back onto Jamie.
(Loki speeds off in his car.)
Tim/Mask: Honey, I think it's time we trade up!
(The family car has been twisted to look like something from a deranged mind.)
NC (vo): So they work their way into the Charlie Sheen mobile...
NC: Actually, to be fair...that car's fucking awesome.
NC (vo): ...and drive on over to the final showdown.
(Loki's standing in a ring with boxing gloves on and a robe.)
Loki: And here he is, folks.
NC (vo; speaking through his teeth): Will you turn your wide angle lens down?! You've had it pushed to maximum since frame one!
(Tim punches Loki across the ring into a suitcase. Next scene shows a pencil drawing up a wall.)
Announcer: And Loki said "let there be a brick wall." (Tim runs into it.) And there was! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
(Tim's mouth is stretched wide in the shape of a brick, showing way too much of his teeth and gums.)
NC: Now why didn't they make a toy out of that? It's such a charming, delightful image I'm sure kids would flock to-- (the picture's shown) DON'T SHOW IT AGAIN!
NC (vo): So they decide they're evenly matched and figure the best thing to do is let the baby decide where he goes.
Loki: Pick me, pick me.
Tim/Mask: Alvey, I'm your real dad!
Loki: Come on, you little devil. Let's play!
NC (vo; imitates Tonya): I'm just the mother, so clearly I have no say in this.
(Alvey looks over to Loki, whose turned his head to look like something out of Beetlejuice! NC's turned away, shielding his eyes.)
NC: If I don't look at it, it can't hurt me! If I don't look at it, it can't hurt me!
(Tim's taken the Mask off.)
Tim: I love you.
Tim: Oh, Alvey.
NC (vo): So his CG mouth chooses his father. Again, the mother I guess weighed no part in this decision. And we even get some family bonding with Loki and Odin.
Tim: I don't know how things work in the god world, but you're his father. He's your son. And even if you banish him, he's still gonna be your son.
Odin: Come on, son. Let's go home. Okay?
NC: Well, gee, if only Jamie Kennedy were there in The Avengers. I'm sure things would've gone over much better with Loki if he was around.
(Cut to the Hulk confronting Tim instead.)
Tim: There is nothing more important in this entire universe than your relationship with your family. See, you might as well get things right now--
(Nope! Hulk proceeds to smack Tim around like a ragdoll!)
NC: Jamie Kennedy: Nordic god psychiatrist.
NC (vo): So everything seems to be great now. Heck, Jamie even has a new idea for a TV show.
Moss: A baby and a dog competing for dad's attention. I love it. Where did you get the idea?
Tim: The idea just came to me.
NC: Yeah, that does sound like a huge hit TV show, doesn't it?
NC (vo): I did have this other dumb idea about Japanese kids collecting Pocket Monsters to defeat evil.
NC: But this...this is really gold!
(We get a zoom in on Alvey who gives a wink to the camera before the words "The End" pop up.)
NC: Thank God the evil is over!
(Clips of the movie play as he gives his closing summary.)
NC (vo): You remember how Tarsem directed The Cell? A poorly made movie that dived into the mind of a serial killer? Well, Tarsem got it wrong. THIS is the poorly made movie that dives into the mind of a serial killer! It just forgot to mention the serial killer part! Not only is the movie horridly written, awkwardly acted, filled with lame as hell effects, and using way too much goddamn wide angle lens, it is scary! Scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary!!
NC: I feel unclean! I mean, I can destroy this movie all I want, but it will never get rid of the images that it has planted in here! They will haunt me forever! Nobody should ever have to see the terrifying...terror that this movie produced! (he takes the DVD out) And they're not going to if I have anything to say about it! (he walks out to the living room, laughing at the DVD) From Hell's heart, I...throw you the fuck out! Hahahaha! (he goes to throw it in the trash, but the DVD's not in his hand. Turning around, he sees it's back in the PlayStation 3! Clips of the movie appear on the TV) Oh, my god! It's playing again! It's going over and over and over! Oh, my god! Can't somebody stop it? Can't somebody stop it?!
(Santa Christ comes back in with a remote control.)
SC: Stand back, Critic!
NC: Santa Christ!
SC: I'll handle this! (He walks over to the front while NC hides behind him) You shall not play. (Explosions happens in front of the TV) I am a servant of the Sacred Oscar. Wielder of the Thumbs of Our Lord. CGI shall not avail you, Film of Boredom! (more explosions) Go back to the cutting room! (more explosions and clips play. SC clutches his staff) YOU! SHALL NOT! PLAY! (he slams his staff down...only for nothing to happen. He hits the ground with it a few times, but no effect.)
NC: How many times have you done this?
SC: Once. Including now. Here, have Game of Thrones. (he hands NC a season box set)
(Suddenly flames erupt from the TV making NC and SC scream and reel in horror before the flames are sucked back in the DVD player. NC's still frozen in fear while SC wonders what's up. The DVD comes out and it's picked up by Satan, who's with Evilina. NC's still frozen in horror.)
Satan: Ah, yup. Another typical viewing.
Satan: Santa Christ. How's it going, my man?
SC: Oh, not bad at all. You?
Satan: Oh, not bad. Just picking up a movie for my daughter.
SC: Ho-ho-ho. Hello, little Evilina.
SC: So, still trying to take over the world with that little Twitter invention of yours?
Satan: Hey, tell me it's not making people dumber. Tell me it's not making them easier to conquer.
SC: Well, everything seems to be in order here. Give my best to the missus.
Satan: Why? I never do.
(The two laugh.)
SC: What a character. Ho-ho-ho. (He smacks the Game of Thrones box set against NC.) Here you go.
Satan: Heh-heh-heh. He's so blasphemous. Come on, honey.
(NC comes out of his shock and throws himself at the two.)
NC: Oh, please! Please kill me! It's the only sensible thing to do after showing me those horrible, horrible images! Please! Death is the only salvation!
Satan: What do you think, kiddo? Should I kill him?
Evilina: Nah. I think it's crueler to leave him alive.
Satan: That's my girl. You do your daddy proud.
Evilina: Anyway, they tried that before. Didn't go over very well.
(NC cries as he crawls back to his room.)
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it...because it'll never go away! (then he slinks down while still crying) It'll never go away!
(Back in Hell, the monitor turns on as Satan addresses his legions.)
Satan: Now, behold, my pitiful parasites. The true depths of darkness.
(He gets up and lets Evilina take his seat.)
Evilina: ♪ My Little Pony! I used to wonder what friendship could be. ♪ (the minions start laughing) My Little Pony! (Suddenly her face turns into a horror of horrors, scaring what's left of the minions' souls. Satan looks on with fatherly pride.)
Satan: That's my girl!
(Now we finally come to the credits.)
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Tim: Say da-da.
Alvey (deep voice): Mother.