Some Jerk With A Camera: Star Tours (1987-2010) w/ Spazz Master and The Wire
Original Air Date
May 28, 2011
Channel Awesome Air Date
November 7, 2014
[At Star Tours: The Adventures Continue, he is spanning the park using his phone]
Jerk: The speed ratings are off-the-chart! Oh, Hi. I'm Some Jerk with a Camera and welcome to my third episode, a three-way co-review of the original Star Tours, which ran at Disneyland from 1987 to 2010 before being replaced by Star Tours: The Adventures Continue. But, we'll get to that in a future episode. This episode was my very first time working with two very talented friends and collaborators who went on to basically become this show's supporting cast: SpazzMaster, whose various shows can be found at this URL [www.youtube.com/RBGProds] and, of course,The Wire [Jerk grabs her onscreen], whose show An Idiot's Lantern can be found at this URL [www.youtube.com/AnIdiotsLantern]
The Wire: Stop touching me.
Jerk: Okay. The Wire, what do you remember about shooting this episode on location at Disneyland?
Wire: I...remember... "Channel Awesome," keep this in mind, both Spazz and I are California-raised and we kind of grew up around Disneyland. So I remember, I really thought I knew what we were in for when we arrived to shoot that first video.
Jerk: So young and naive we all were.
The Wire: Yeah. Yeah.
Jerk: We were exhausted.
Wire: We were, that is still the most exhausted I have ever been at one of these parks.
Jerk: And...and that's saying something considering what I've put you guys through since then.
The Wire: Yeah, this guy [points at Jerk] does Disneyland like hardened criminals do prison. Consider that for a second.
Jerk: Not sure how I want to feel about that, but thank you, I guess. Uh, one thing I do want to say, we happened to shoot this review, by complete coincidence, on "Star Wars Day," May the 4th, on May 4, 2011. We released it on May 28, 2011, the week before this thing [Points at "Star Tours: The Adventures Continue"] opened and that was about a year and a half or so before Disney bought Lucasfilm, which is why there's no jokes or references to Disney buying Lucasfilm. And on that point-
Wire: [Interrupts] That's timing.
Jerk: Yeah, on that point, I'd like to say the following: to J.J. Abrams, Rian Johnson, and whoever is directing "Episode IX," I know all three of you are watching, you have the opportunity to make the original ride cannon. All you have to do is you have to invent some reason for there to be a 3rd Death Star, blow it up, which you are gonna anyway, admit it, and put a StarSpeeder 3000 in the background. If you do that, you will earn my eternal respect.
Wire: It's that easy, or we get a Rex cameo. I want a Rex cameo instead.
Jerk: One thing at a time.
Jerk: (to camera) Enjoy!
[He and The Wire wave at us]
The Wire: It's your website, he's your problem now.
Jerk: That's right, come at me Greedo. I will shoot first! [Camera zooms in on Jerk's face]
[The scene then fades to black and then to the original episode. We start with the a version of the "Long time ago in a galaxy far, far away..." text, but here it says: "A short time ago in a theme park across the street from an IHOP..." Then the opening crawl starts with the "Star Wars Theme")
Some Jerk With A Camera
Tours! Turmoil and unrest have engulfed the east side of the original magic kingdom. It is a dark time for the Land of Tomorrow, which continues crumbling under attacks by time itself.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a series of inexpensive amusements, the evil Galactic Executives create a strange hodgepodge of monorails, mountains of space, dysfunctional rocket rods, three-dimentional pop stars you turn into shrink machines and then back again when dead, and something called "Innovations" which is beloved by nobody.
As the Imagineers prepare to give up on the "future" theme entirely with a Finding Nemo ride, the lone constant in the galaxy remains a simulated flight to the mood of Endor. Upon learning of this alarming consistency, the Executives prepare to close it down for "enhancements"
[ By the time the 2nd paragraph of the Crawl ends, we hear Jerk's voice]
Jerk [Offscreen]: Hey, who left the light off?
[The blackness of space is the replaced with a room in Jerk's house, the stars and the crawl remain. Jerk is about to cross the room but notices the crawl from his perspective]
Jerk: Why are these words all backwards? [Shrugs] Damn kids.
[He exits frame and turns off the light, the blackness of space returned. But Jerk is now watching the crawl from offscreen]
Jerk [Offscreen]: Lets get some real music in here! [Wham!'s "Wake Me Before You Go-Go"plays ] That's the stuff! Ha-cha-cha!
[After the crawl, black outer space turns into the blue morning sky, a rooster crows, the camera then pans down on "Star Tours: The Adventure Continues" and in front of it, Jerk. He appears to be asleep while standing up. After the song abruptly ends at "Wake me up!" Jerk wakes up.]
Jerk: Ketchup! What? Oh, Hi! How long have I been out? [caption appears: "three months"] Wow. I better get started. What am I doing again? [The beginning of the opening crawl appears again, showing Jerk what he's reviewing] Right, right. Sad but true, folks. Star Tours, Disneyland's original groundbreaking motion simulator ride and the first Disney ride ever based on a non-Disney movie, closed its automatic doors in July of 2010.
Jerk [v/o]: After 23 and a half years and literally millions of flights to Endor in which the exact same things always went horribly wrong, on June 3rd, it will reopen with an entirely different ride without a storyline, utilizing elements from...
[Cut to Jerk standing beside the Star Wars: The Adventures Continue poster]
[We see The Wire and Spazzmaster reading books at a table next to a gift shop. Wire is reading a Game of Thrones book and Spazz is reading Screenwriting for Dummies.]
Wire: I sense a great disturbance in The Force... almost as if somewhere, somehow... Some Jerk with a Camera needs us. Spazzmaster, [slams her book on the table] I'm going to Disneyland. [Wire storms off to her left. Spazz gives an evil smirk and places his book down.]
Spazz: Finally. [He gets up from his chair and exits]
[Wire runs into a passersby, played by Byson Nysen, with a phone and grabs him by his shirt collar.]
Wire: Where is Disneyland?
Passersby: It's over that way. [Points to behind him. Wire pushes him aside and runs toward the park]
Jerk: But I know the original Star Tours must be reviewed before it's erased from all human memory just like the prequels were removed from C-3PO's memory, lucky bastard. And since I'm the only one who can possibly review it...
[Cut to Yoda from Empire Strikes Back]
Yoda: No, there is another.
[Cut back to Jerk, who faces The Wire at his right]
Jerk: The Wire of AnIdiotsLantern? You're my sister?
Wire: [confused] Nope, not as far as I know.
Jerk: Whew, thank god. Well, anyway, since The Wire and I are the only ones who can possibly review it...
Yoda: No, there is another.
[Cut back to Jerk, who faces SpazzMaster at his left]
Jerk: SpazzMaster? You're my sister?
Spazz: [sarcastically] Yes, I'm your sister.
Jerk: Whew, thank god...
Spazz: How dare you!!
Spazz: You stole my idea of shooting stuff at Disneyland!
Jerk: Oh yeah, I did.
Spazz: Yeah, my Top 20 video?
Jerk: Right, I've completely ripped you off.
Spazz: I'll bet you've never even heard of Disneyland until I posted that video.
Jerk: That is very true, but I think the more pressing issue right now is how The Wire is here. I thought you were trapped in a TV.
Wire: They have TV's at Disneyland, you know.
Wire: Nah, actually, I'm just dreaming.
Jerk: Oh, really. This is a dream sequence?
Wire: Yeah, for me. I'm making you up right now.
Jerk: How dare you. Wait, I thought this was my dream.
Wire: No, if it was your dream, there'd be way more Inception jokes.
Jerk: Oh, of course.
Spazz: Wait, whose dream is this?
Wire: It's a dream-within-a-dream.
Jerk: Look, Inception jokes are so last year. Enough of these dreamy sci-fi gobbledygooks. It's time to review the Star Wars ride!
All: EXCELSIOR!! [They pound their fists up in the air. They keep their poses for several seconds.]
Spazz: I'm still mad at you.
Jerk: I know.
[Cut to footage of the Opening of Star Tours]
Jerk [v/o]: Star Tours opened in Tomorrowland on Janurary 9, 1987, during an era when Michael Eisner miraculously knew what he was doing.
[Cut to the 3 reviewers in front of the "Sword in the Stone"]
Spazz: [Fairy tale Knight like accent] Did such an era actually exist?
Wire: [Also fairy tale knight voice] Are the fantastical legends true?
Jerk: [Also in fairy tale knight voice] Yes, my children, that era was very real! [Points at the sword] So sayeth the scripture upon this sword! [He then tries to pull it out, but can't. He makes several comical grunts each time he attempts a pull.]
Wire: [to Spazz] Do you want to say it or should I?
Spazz: Yeah I should. [To Jerk] So uh, Jerk?
Jerk: [In frustration from his failure to pull out the sword] What?
Spazz: Have trouble getting your sword out? [He covers his mouth to hide his snickering]
Jerk: [Still in his fairy tale knight voice] I swear this never happens to me! Just give me a minute to concentrate!
Spazz: Well, don't take more than 4 hours!
[He leaves the frame to continue laughing. We then cut black with the caption "One minute to concentrate later..." Jerk is still struggling to get the sword out]
Spazz: [To The Wire] So, you're in Disneyland's TV's?
Wire: Security cameras.
Spazz: Ah. So, you've seen...?
Wire: Oh, yeah. If I had a childhood, it would be violated by now.
Jerk: Could someone consult my physician!?!
[Cut back to footage of the ride]
Spazz [v/o]: Star Tours was the first thrill ride to ever use military flight simulators as vehicles. The original deal called for multiple destinations, but then...
[Cut to a clip from "Empire Strikes Back"]
Darth Vader: I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further.
Wire [v/o]: So, to save money, the ride was the same each time; a mercifully interrupted flight to Endor and for decades, "Star Tours" was the very last corner of the "Star Wars" universe untouched by George Lucas' [muted footage of an interview of him is shown with the caption "Worse than Satan"] rampant, psychotic destruction of his own legacy.
Jerk [v/o]: But as always, if it's not good enough for George, it's not good enough for you, no matter much you already love it, you morons.
[Cut to Spazz playing a Kid in a Disneyland gift shop]
George Lucas [v/o and arm and voiced by Tony Goldmark]: [Hands Spazz a plush toy of Bolt] Here kid, have a cute little puppy dog.
Kid: [Very happy] Wow, thanks George Lucas! [Hugs the toy] Oh, I love my new little puppy dog! I'm gonna love him forever.
George Lucas [v/o and arm]: [Grabs the toy from the kid] I'll take that!
Kid: [Disappointed] Hey!
George Lucas [v/o and arm]: Nah, this puppy isn't cute enough [throws it away], I'm gonna take it to ILM and make it a CGI groundhog that says "Whazzup?!?!" You're welcome [Gives him a thumbs up]
Kid: [Crosses his arms together] This is the worst Life Day ever!
Jerk [v/o]: I guess a "Star Tours" revamp was inevitable. I mean, Walt did create Disneyland as a place where things could change, because he too was frustrated that he couldn't change his movies after releasing them. And I have to wonder, if he had George's chutzpah, would he have even bothered with Disneyland or would he have just released a bunch of Special Editions where Bambi's mother shoots first or something? My point is: was "Star Tours" really still good enough for the 21st century or have twenty years of imagineering left it in the dust?
Wire: I don't know if I can be objective about this, guys. See, when my creator Morgan was some five years old, she hadn't seen Star Wars yet. So, she thought that those flight announcements and tourism videos that you watch in the line were real. And she kept asking her mother if they were absolutely sure she remembered the tickets.
Spazz: Did she remember the tickets?
Wire: No. No, she didn't because she was...
Jerk: Right, because you had them.
Wire: No, N-n-no, there were no tickets.
Spazz: Right, because they were on will call.
Wire: Are you guys even listening to me?
Jerk: Right, because amphibians have one ventricle.
Wire: I'm going over there. [Wire exits, annoyed]
Spazz: Right, because Michael Bay is the antichrist!
Jerk: We're geniuses.
Spazz: High five!! [Spazz and Jerk attempt one, but they miss each other's hands. Spazz looks up, disappointed] Being in a dream sucks.
Wire [v/o]: So, as you get further ahead in line, you start noticing this project's most ingenious aspect: animatronic droids, including [A count down to 10 with the caption "Worst joke in (countdown clock)] long necked Wall-E[?]
Spazz: Actually, the long-necked Wall-E is a stripped down goose from the old "America Sings" attraction.
Wire: [The countdown is over here's the bad joke:] Now, usually when I want to strip down a robot goose, I have to buy it dinner first.
[Cut to Jerk doing the comedy rim shot at a drum set]
Jerk: [To the camera] I did that under protest.
Spazz [v/o]: Finally, you arrive at the front of the line and watch the pre-show safety video.
Safety Instructor [on video screen]: When the automatic doors are open, please be seated directly across the ramp.
[An example of people being seated shows Chewbacca and Admiral Akbar as passengers.]
Jerk: Okay, bullshit!! I rode that ride dozens of times and I never once got to ride with Chewbacca or the "It's-A-Trap" guy. Disney lied to me again!!
Wire: You're right, it really is a trap. Ugh, I bet that "when you wish upon a star" thing is bullshit, too.
Spazz: No, it actually works. [Jerk and Wire look at Spazz in bewilderment and confusion] Yeah. That's how I won that new car. [Cut to Spazz sitting on the seat of the Mr. Toad car acting 'gangsta'. Cut back.] And how I won that pet goat. [Cut to Spazz at a petting zoo behind a goat acting 'gangsta'; cut back] And how I got trapped in that toy box. [Cut to Spazz in the Toy Story 3 toy box, once again, acting 'gangsta'; cut back] All through the power of star-wishin'! [Caption appears: "Star Wishin' TM"]
[Spazz gives a thumbs-up and smiles. He keeps that face throughout the entire scene, as if he's freeze-framed. The Wire snaps her fingers at Spazz's face, trying to get his attention.]
Announcer [v/o]: [sped-up] Star-wishin' is not for everyone. Side effects of Star Wishin' may include: [with caption] "headaches, backaches, nausea, glaucoma, insomnia, paranoia, pericarditis, diabetes, effervescence, random leaky discharge, wooden gallbladder, cancer of the soul, pancreatic liver, allergy to shellfish, tooth insurrection, silly voices, bacon lung, sudden total bone loss, bloody hangnails, bastardly earlobes, cancer of the pie, spontaneous combustion, random jellyfish, testicular strawberries, longshoreman's purple disease, existentialism, not enough pens, too many pens, almost just the right amount of pens, sugary bowel extractions, disgusting bloody death syndrome, rogue elephants, oral radiation, gonorrhea, random stabs in the heart with a knife, six-second pregnancy, the Wrath of God, and Jerry Mathers as The Beaver." Always consult your cricket before doing anything whatsoever.
Wire: Spazz, come back to us, man!!
Wire [v/o]: Then, after you enter the cabin, take your seats and fasten your safety belts, we are introduced to our ship's droid pilot Captain Rex, voiced by the Spleen [His character in 1999s "Mystery Men"] himself, Paul Reubens.
- George Lucas would later re-use the name, Captain Rex, for a clone trooper who appeared in "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" and "Star Wars: Rebels"
Jerk: Well, we've seen what he's capable of in a normal theater, what's be gonna do when the theater jerks around?
- In '91, Reubens was arrested for public masterbation is an adult movie theater.
[Realizing this, all three scream as we cut to footage of "Pee-Wee's Playhouse" where Pee-Wee Herman and his anthropomorphic furniture yell at the the word of the day. Cut back to footage of the ride.]
Captain Rex: I know this is probably your first flight and it's mine too [chuckles].
Wire: Here's a fun fact: You could ride that ride hundreds of times and it would always be Rex's first flight!
All: Must be Disney Magic!
Spazz [v/o]: So, then the actual ride would start up and of course; SOMETHING WOULD GO HORRIBLY WRONG!
[The ship starts flying out if control through out the space dock, until it finally heads into space.]
Captain Rex [v/o]: I meant to do that, a little short cut [Nervously chuckles].
[cut to a clip from "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure"]
Pee-Wee: [shouts] I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!
[We see the ship starting to go into light speed.]
Capt. Rex [v/o]: Light Speed to Endor! [The ship goes into light speed and soon exits] R2, we passed the Endor moon!
Wire: Aww, but i wanted to see the Country Ewok Jamboree! [pan down to see she has her hand on an TNT plunger. She strokes the top] Soon, my pretty, very soon!
Jerk [v/o]: So, after an awesome sequence in which our Star Cruiser encounters a comet shower and enters a fuckin' comet! Woo!! We in a comet, yo!
Capt. Rex [v/o]: Well, we can relax now! Everything's under control and we'll be on our way to the Endor moon without any further delay. [Sees a trio of Star Destroyers in view.] Oh no, we're caught in a tractor beam!
Wire [v/o] Told you public transportation in California sucked!
[Cut to Spazz, Wire and Jerk on the Disneyland Monorail, they're all looking at their cell phones]
Announcer: [Speaks in a calm monotone voice throughout] Welcome aboard the Disneyland Monorail; the smoothest, safest, most energy efficient vehicle ever built. [Screams of other passengers are hear and the camera shakes as if the Monorail is also shaking, none of this perturbs Jerk, Wire, or Spazz from their phones] If you look to your right, you'll see we're being attacked by a hoard of robotic space monkey terrorists with killer bees. My god, that is sound of our monorail crashing into another monorail. Sweet, merciful heaven and humanity. [Machine gun fire is heard in the distance, they're still on their phones.] If the guests have already reverted to cannibalism and wish to jump into the fiery wreckage, you will need a handstand to re-enter the park. Tonight's showings "World of Color" are at 9pm and 10:15pm. Thank you and God help us all.
Spazz [v/o]: So, our Star Cruiser gets embroiled in an, honest-to-god, star war, even though this ride is supposed to take place after the movies.
- Before "Force Awakens" had an Empire that still survived, "The First Order." The Expanded universe books also showed a the remains of the Empire still fighting.
Wire [v/o]: Yeah, maybe these guys are like Civil War re-enactors.
[Cut to Jerk in the lobby of "Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln," holding a Stormtrooper helmet, playing a star wars re-enactor.]
Re-eneactor: [W/ a southern accent] We of the "Star Wars Re-enactors Guild #52577" recognize all those weird freaky aliens who gave their lives to fight for and against the state's rights to blow up planets real good. It is for those crazy-weird looking aliens, those...those ugly, un-meetable, disfigured, freaks of nature before us, but-
[Cut to the people he's talking to, two guys, two girls, two of which are Wire and Spazz, the others are played by Byson Nysen and Kristine Slipson]
Guy [Spazz]: [Interrupts, yet still raises his hand] Uh, excuse me, but not cool! I'm part alien, [gestures to the other three] we all are!
Re-enactor: Really? But, you all look so humanoid.
Guy: Yeah, we all look humanoid, but that's because we've got a hundred years to crossbreed because our planets haven't been blowing up!
Girl [Wire]: And wait a minute, "State rights to blow up planets?" Are you pro planet explosion?
Re-enactor: I happened to think it looks cool. Now, are we gonna fight all day or are we gonna pretend to fight all day?
Girl: [Throws her arms in the air] Screw this! [Walks off frame]
Re-enactor: Fine, [Puts on Stormtrooper helmet] I'll re-enact the "Star Wars" myself! [He uses his hands as ships flying, lightsabers dueling, and more with the sound effects he makes. The others start to walk away, leaving him to his playing. He says in a falsetto voice] Oh no, it's the trap guy, ahh!
[Cut to the commercial break and afterward back to the ride where the Star Cruiser get hit by a laser from a Tie Fighter.]
Capt. Rex: Ah! We've been hit! [Ship starts to head towards the Death Star] R2, get the stabilizer fixed!
Jerk: [Looking angry] Why the hell is there a third Death Star?
Capt. Rex: And hurry, we're losing altitude fast! [R2-D2 responds back with his usual beeps and whistles]
Wire: Why the hell is there a third Death Star?
[Cut back to the ride as the view screen shows X-wing fighters and tie fighters in a dog fight.
Spazz: [Angry] No seriously, why the hell is there a third Death Star?
Capt. Rex: [Getting ready to do a trench run] I've always wanted to do this! We're going in!
Jerk [v/o]: I mean, don't get us wrong, yes, this is a fucking awesome sequence. Yes, it is so cool to be able to feel like you're doing this for real. But...
All three reviewers and a Fourth person: WHY THE HELL IS THERE A THIRD DEATH STAR?!?!
Fourth person [played Byron Nysen]: This is an outrage! I demand my time and money back!
Jerk: Who are you?
Fourth Person: I don't know. [He leaves]
[Cut to back to Star Tours footage. The StarSpeeder is flying around the landscapes of the Death Star.]
Speaker: Red 24, I'm going in. Cover me.
[Cut to what looks like a arcade flight simulator where Wire is in gear. She wears a pair of light-up sunglasses]
Wire: Red 24, are you going in?
[Cut to clip from Captain EO]
Captain EO: We're going in.
Wire: I was afraid of that.
[Back to Star Tours footage]
Speaker: I'm at target range! [The X-Wing Fighter in front of the StarSpeeder shoots at the Death Star causing it to explode] It's a hit!!
Spazz: That's right kids. Not only did they build a third Death Star, but they built the third Death Star with the same exact weakness as the first one. [Jerk emerges from the right as the camera follows him]
Jerk: What kind of idiot mad man would spend hundreds of millions of dollars on three massively destructive projects that are all equally weak- [stops and realizes] Ohhh.
[Cut to all the posters to the prequel trilogy, cut back to footage of the ride]
Wire [v/o]: So, Rex brings the cruiser home and, like any good robot, apologizes for all the fun we humans were foolish enough to have.
Capt. Rex: Hey, sorry folks. I'm sure I'll do better next time. Hey! Hey!
C-3PO: We do hope you enjoyed your tour at Endor and will come back soon.
[Cut to "Pee Wee's Big Adventure"]
Large Marge: Be sure and tell them Large Marge sent ya! [cackles]
Spazz [v/o]: So, we disembark and, for the first time in Disneyland history, we exit directly into a gift shop. Michael Eisner, you magnificent bastard.
[Cut to Jerk in said gift shop]
Jerk: And now, only this gift shop remains, until June 3rd, when the new ride opens. For better or worse, it'll never be quite the same. Despite all our prayers, the deal has been altered further. [Cut to the 3 outside Space Mountain, Spazz is drinking water] And I've gotta tell ya, I am cautiously optimistic.
Spazz and Wire: [Spazz almost does a spit take] What?!?!
Jerk: I know, i'm surprised too, but I am cautiously optimistic.
Spazz: Jerk, what is wrong with you?!?!
Wire: [Points at Jerk] He's a bitch!
[Spazz looking ready to throw his water bottle at him.]
Jerk: I'm sorry, but even after...
[Footage of the Prequels is shown with Weird Al's "The Saga Begins"]
Jerk [v/o]: ...Jar Jar and Watto and Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen and Jar Jar and Boss Nass and the rat tail [Referring to the braid Jedi Apprentices, mostly Obi-wan and Anakin, wear] and the midichlorians and Jar Jar and all the CGI and Jar Jar and Jar Jar and Jar Jar and Jar Jar and Jar Jar and the interminable C-span footage and that stupid fucking monologue about sand and all that [Cut to footage of a Patton Oswalt comedy special, Jerk repeats as he says:] "You get to see him [Darth Vader] as a little kid!" bullshit...
Jerk: ...and even after...
[Cut to a clip from "Revenge of the Sith"]
Darth Vader: Nooooo!
Jerk: [Throws his arms in the air] I still remain cautiously optimistic, sorry.
Wire: [places her hand on his shoulder] Jerk, you're among friends here, [Pulls out an Ewok plush toy] why don't you show us on the Ewok where "Star Wars" touched you?
Jerk: [Upset] I already told you, I must've been asking for it! [Throws the Ewok toy on the ground, talk in a normal voice] Look, the 2 things the Prequels kind of got right were [Cut to footage of...] the scenery and the chase scene. That's pretty much "Star Tours" to a 'T.'
[We cut to see the Wire talking the other 2, who are off screen, in front of the "Pirates Of The Caribbean" Ride]
Wire: You know, this whole thing just reminds me of how I felt about "Pirates" [Of The Caribbean Ride] being redone a few years ago.
[Cut to footage of the updated "Pirates Of The Caribbean" Ride with characters from the films to the "Pirates Life" song.]
Wire [v/o]: I know, the "Pirates" changes weren't actually that bad. But, I can remember a time when you were one lucky bastard if the line was ever less than an hour long.
Wire: And now, even on a busy day, you probably won't wait an longer than 15 minutes.
Wire [v/o]: I can understand why they wanted to update the ride. But, I can't help but think they lost some of the magic when they did so. Check out how they promoted "Star Tours" back in the 80s.
[Cut to an 80s commercial for "Star Tours." Footage looking like the Star Cruiser is actually flying out of the park and into space then to footage the Death Star from the ride.]
Announcer: Prepare yourselves for the ultimate Disneyland thrill attraction from the imagination of Disney and George Lucas! Because now, the adventure is real! "Star Tours" at Disneyland!
Wire [v/o]: Fucking epic! And look how they're promoting the new ride.
[Cut to the commercial for "Star Tours: The Adventure Continues." A guy is riding the ride nervous, he looks to his left to see...]
Admiral Ackbar: [Chewbacca is sitting behind him, reading a news paper] Bumpy flight and who know where we'll land.
[He looks to his right at his son and wife, Darth Vader is sitting behind him with his lightsaber lit]
Son: [To dad] What, are you scared?
Dad: [Nervously laughs] No.
Ackbar: Really? You look scared.
Wire [v/o]: Lower your expectations folks, they're playing the "See, this kid isn't scared! Ha ha! Why are are you such a pussy" card. Sitting there and judging me while I'm trying to get into the experience. He's supposed to be scared, you morons! Because scared is exciting!
Jerk [v/o}: Also, look how dead he [the son] looks whenever he's not talking. What, did they freeze Jake Lloyd in carbonite again?
[Cut back to the commercial where a Tusken Raider is staring at the mother.]
Ackbar: Ooh, somebodies got eyes for you.
[Cut to Jerk back at the drum set, shaking his head in refusal to do a rimshot. Then cut to a picture of the Peoplemover ride with the caption "Empty peoplemover track" and then the same for "The Escalator To Nowhere."]
Wire [v/o]: I'd rather see them spend money fixing stuff that's broken then possibly breaking stuff that's working. But, I don't make the decisions and hey, maybe someone had some sort of kick-ass idea that would make "Star Tours" so much more exciting and daring and kick-ass and funny and they simply just had to do it! Maybe, but I doubt it.
Spazz: Well, aside from what've already said in my video. I just have one question: WHY IS THE NEW RIDE IN 3D?
Spazz [v/o]: I know 3D usually makes motion simulators better. [His example is the Universal ride "The Amazing Adventures of Spider-man"] But guess what? "STAR TOURS TAKES PLACE ON A SPACESHIP!"
Spazz: If you're on a space ship and stuff from outside is coming at you, guess what, you're dead! You, your family, dead! Deader than that fucking plant in Wall-E would've been if kindergarten science hadn't mid-jacked like in the movies! [Cut to Spazz nearby a Star Tours promotional poster. Jerk is behind the camera.] These two don't belong in the same universe.
Jerk: How do you mean?
Spazz: Tie fighter, droid control ship. Original trilogy, prequel trilogy. AWESOME! SH-I-I-ITT.
Jerk: You know it takes place between the two, right?
Spazz: Oh, shut up! [Cut to the 3 in a more greener part of park.] And further more, why did they get rid of the waterfalls at the Disneyland Hotel? Walt would've LOVED those if he had lived long enough to see them. Bad show, Disney! Bad show! Bad show, bad show, bad show-bad-show-bad-show! [Spazz jumps up and down in circles while building up rage. He continues to yell "bad show" faster and faster. The Wire grabs him before he explodes.]
Jerk: Oh god. I've seen this before. He's going into full-on fanboy foamer mode.
Spazz: [Deep voice] There is no Spazz only Zuul!!
Jerk: There's only one thing that can possibly restore him.
Wire: You can't possibly mean!
Jerk: Yes! Dress up as slave Leia!
[cut to a picture of slave Princess Leia with Jerk's face photo-imposed on her face]
Jerk: Feeling better buddy?
[Cut to Star Tours gift shop]
Spazz: [pleased] I feel much better. Say, The Wire, one thing that still puzzles me. If this is your dream, how come there hasn't been any weird freaky dream stuff?
Wire: [holding a pink/yellow triceratops toy] Gee, I don't know.
Jerk: [talking with his hand] What are you guys talking about?
Spazz: We were just talking about ketchup-ketchup-ketchup-ketchup... [The footage of Spazz saying "ketchup" repeats intermixed with The Wire and Jerk saying "ketchup" with nightmarish voices at various pitches, and numerous crazy filters. This is also intercut with The Wire, Spazz Master and Jerk screaming, Jerk snatching the dinosaur toy from the Wire, clips from Willy Wonka in the nightmarish boat scene, Return of the Jedi, and The Three Stooges, The Wire flailing her fingers, Jerk in his car pouring opened ketchup packets on his face and Jerk making out with a Captain EO poster.]
[Cut to The Wire waking up from her 'dream'.]
Wire: Ugh... Oh... Ugh, what a horrible nightmare. Does real color burn like that? I can't remember. Oh! Make sure to join in next time when I talk about the ground-breaking 23rd season of that animated masterpiece, Ewoks. Isn't that right, Ketchup? [Holds a bottle of ketchup as the sounds from the last dream sequence fades in.]
[Cut to Jerk waking up from his dream]
Jerk: Oh god, what a horrible nightmare. Wait a minute. [pinching his wrist to see if he's still asleep] Cool. Well anyway, ketchup, ketchup, ketchup, ketchup, ketchup, ketchup, ketchup, [walks closer to the camera and shakes it around] KETCHUP! KETCHUP!!!!
Spazz: [wakes up] Oh! What a wonderful nightmare. I guess that assuming that Jerk JERK was just in my head the whole time, I'll be reviewing theme parks from now on, starting with whichever ride is in front of... Oh, come on!
[Spazz sees that he's in front of Captain EO. Cut to Rocko's Modern Life where Heffer Wolfe wakes up from his dream and breathes heavily. He gets up and walks toward his window.]
Heffer: What a nightmare! Maybe I should lay off the exercise for a while.
[Heffer's house turns into a cackling udder with a face with milk squirting out of it. The two other houses turn into laughing udder faces. Cut to clip from The Simpsons, Lisa is on the floor waking up from her dream.]
Lisa: Oh, it was just a dream.
Largo: That was a close one, Lisa, but you made it. And believe me, this is not a dream.
[Lisa screams. Cut to a clip from North, where the title character wakes up. He looks around to see the top from "Inception" spin, which fades to Jerk sleeping at the same place Spazz was sleeping. Jerk is wearing 3D glasses on his face]
Jerk: [Muttering in his sleep.] No, no, no it can't be happening. No, "Inception" jokes are so last year, it can't be happening if its so last year. Why the hell did I reference "North?" [He wakes up, he shivers. He takes off his 3D glasses and then pinches his wrist. We then see he's looking at the "Inception" top] Ok, mystical spinning top, do not lie to me, is this a dream? [We see the top is beginning to waver] I'll take that as a no. [Turns to the camera] Well folks, be sure to join me next time when I review whatever attraction is really right in front of me, because...
[He screams, it's Captain EO. Then cut to a clip from "Back To The Future," Marty [Mcfly] wakes up to see he's in a bed and the room is dark.]
Marty [Voiced by Jerk]: Mom, is that you?
Lorraine [Voiced by Wire]: There, there now, just relax. You've been asleep for almost a thousand years now.
Marty: I had a horrible nightmare, dreamt I went back in time to the 80s when Captain EO was still open and I was fat and I had glasses and Tommy Wiseau hair, it was terrible.
Lorraine: Well, you're safe and sound now back in Michael Jackson's mind.
Marty: [Realizes] Michael Jackson's mind?!?!
[Loraine puts the Light on, Marty gets up to see Captain EO shooting some rainbow laser from his hands as we cut to the "Back To The Future" 'To Be Continued->' logo shows to "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go," which Jerk makes scatting noises over as we cut to the end credits. This is done in order to avoid the copyright bots he encountered when he first posted the video, to whom he ends his scat by singing, "Fuck you, bots!" In the middle of it we cut to The Wire.]
Wire: Oh, those cute, furry, little Ewoks, [She pulls out a toy blaster] their day is coming! [She does a Robocop like spin with is as we cut back to credits. Afterward, we cut to the 3 of them on the Califonia Screamin']
All 3: Until next time, we're some jerks with cameras! [And then the ride starts]