(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from Solo: A Star Wars Story)
Doug (vo): Well, here it is. The first Star Wars movie to not make money: Solo. Now, to its credit, it's not entirely the final product's fault. This was the most expensive Star Wars film because, well, everything was reshot. Originally, they had two different directors making it, but they didn't like the direction it was going, so they switched them out with Ron Howard. But they were already deep, deep in production, which meant there was a lot of reshoots. And sadly, as the box office showed, it didn't pay off. But even taking that equation out of it, Solo is very...so-so. Of all the characters I feel like I'd be interested in knowing the backstory to, Solo, oddly enough, is not one I, or I found out, a lot of people, really needed to know about. He seems self-explanatory. You saw him, you felt like you already know his story. But it turns out, you didn't, and this film is gonna make you wish you didn't.
Doug (vo): Solo starts out as a young thief with a girlfriend who steals all sorts of goods for this giant...centipede Muppet...it's a little weird. But he decides he wants to do something with his life, so he takes his girlfriend and they try to escape the Empire. They get separated, though, with her staying behind and him leaving the planet...with a brand-new name, too.
Imperial Officer: Solo.
Doug (vo): WHO NEEDED THE ORIGIN OF THAT?! Oh, and by the way, the Empire theme? That's totally used in their commercials. (An image from Return of the Jedi of the entire Empire army awaiting the Emperor's arrival on the second Death Star is shown) Now whenever the Emperor lands in Return of the Jedi, I just want to see a little marching band playing that theme the whole time...that's so weird! Anywho, Solo goes from adventure to adventure from different group of roads to other different groups of roads that... (Sighs) ...I guess are always smuggling, but they're always smuggling from either the Empire or some bad group that he's not really a bad guy, he's not really much of an outlaw. It's like how Bruce Wayne was never really a criminal because he only stole from himself. God, you lame-ass fucking cheaters! Just make him a bad guy! Anyway, he meets up with a giant creature named Chewie, who we discover eats people...I guess if Ewoks can do it, why not Wookiees?...and his whole focus is to go from job to job to get back to his planet to meet up with his fair love... (A scene showing Han reuniting with Qi'ra at Crimson Dawn is shown) Oh, there she is! (Beat) Huh. Not even halfway through the movie, and he just kind of found her. They're...not even really that impressed to see one another. Now that you completely robbed the motivation from this movie, where do we go from here? Well, oddly enough, the rest of the flick just kind of feels like they're trying to find their motivation, like he's trying to figure out what she's up to, and she's trying to figure out what this other group of bad guys are up to, or are they bad guys? And even when you do find out, it's kind of even more confusing, tying into, like, the animated Star Wars movies that you have to have seen to follow this.
Doug (vo): On top of it being all over the place without something to really focus on to lead us through it, the different worlds in this movie are just kind of ugly. I remember them being very brown and smoky, and you can't see a lot of them. Sometimes, that works out well, like when he meets Lando, I want him to meet him in, like, a dark, scuzzy, bar-like place. But when he's going through the Kessel Run, which I'll admit, it is kind of cool to see exactly how he made that speed, it looks like it's through a tornado's butthole. It's just so unappealing to look at. Sometimes, there can be an occasional good shot, and again, if it's, like, during a war or something that's supposed to kind of look like World War I, I'm okay with that. They're trying to do a homage. But the whole film looks like this. Rogue One could look dark and gritty, too, but you could still see it. It still had a visual sense, you felt like you were there. Here, it just feels like someone's blowing smoke in your face the whole time. Why do I want to see that in a Star Wars film?
(Several characters and special effects are shown)
Doug (vo): The acting, for the most part, I remember being okay, and the effects, I remember being okay. But like I said, the motivation and the focus just didn't seem there. And even when he does do smuggling stuff, it's never actual smuggling, at least not outlaw smuggling. It's going against the Empire, these other bad guys, and that's not what I imagined for Han Solo. I remember him being an actual rogue. That's why it made it interesting when he joins the Rebellion. But, nope. That would make him too much of a bad guy, and that's too much of a complicated idea, so we just always have to make him good.
Doug (vo): But honestly, that'd be small potatoes if I just cared at all, and I didn't. I don't need every Star Wars story to be epic, they can be small. (An image of Bea Arthur in the Cantina from The Star Wars Holiday Special is shown) Hell, I actually really liked that Cantina scene from the holiday special. That was great, and it had no epicness in it at all! I loved it! I heard they were gonna do a movie on Mos Eisley! I would totally be down for that! But here, it feels like it's trying to be a small story and a big story at the same time, and because of that, they can't really keep it focused. It's just another movie. It doesn't even really feel like Star Wars, it just feels like this sci-fi flick about this guy that kind of goes from thing to thing and then it's over. Even the people who like it say they enjoy it, but they kind of forget about it shortly after. I guess that's not the biggest crime. But for something like Star Wars, whether it be incredibly good or incredibly bad, there has to be something incredible about it, and there's definitely nothing like that here.
(One of the film's first scenes, showing Han Solo driving his speeder through the streets of Corellia while a Star Destroyer hovers in the sky, is shown)